1. I've got you now,
Captain Action Figure.Copy !req
2. And there is no escape!Copy !req
3. - That's what you think, Dr. Freebie.Copy !req
4. Come, Remington.Copy !req
5. - Oh, no! Not...Copy !req
6. Yes, it's Remington,
the robot puppy that transformsCopy !req
7. into an assault rifle.Copy !req
8. With telescopic tail sight!Copy !req
9. - And doggie night vision!
- I want that!Copy !req
10. OK, boy, let's show
Dr. Freebie how to play dead.Copy !req
11. Hey!Copy !req
12. I can't believe
they'd putCopy !req
13. that kind of violence
in a children's show.Copy !req
14. - What are they thinking?
- Buy me the puppy rifle.Copy !req
15. That's what they're thinking.Copy !req
16. Hey, Mom. I've got this little
bump on the back of my neck.Copy !req
17. A bump? I'd better
take a look at that.Copy !req
18. Yeah, I'm a little worried.
It's breaking the line of my sweater.Copy !req
19. Well, then.
There's no time to waste.Copy !req
20. Something smells funny.Copy !req
21. - Oh! Oh, Charlene!
- What?Copy !req
22. - Yeah?
- This bump is your scent gland.Copy !req
23. - Your scent's come in!
- Oh, already?Copy !req
24. - I can't believe it! Mom!
- Oh!Copy !req
25. How come they're happy?
She stinks.Copy !req
26. To you and to every other male,
except one particular boy out there...Copy !req
27. - Yeah.
- ... who'll find that scentCopy !req
28. a wonderful, magical fragrance.Copy !req
29. And that's the boy Charlene
is destined to spend the rest of her life with.Copy !req
30. She still stinks.Copy !req
31. Trust me, for one lucky boy
that scent is the beginning of love and romance.Copy !req
32. - Remember, Earl, when I got my scent?Copy !req
33. Oh, you bet. You smelled
exactly like a new car.Copy !req
34. You were attracted to Mom
'cause she smells like a car?Copy !req
35. A new car.Copy !req
36. Showroom fresh, leather
interior, pile carpeting. Oh...Copy !req
37. - Not in front of the children.
- Oh, sorry, Fran.Copy !req
38. For a minute there I was
18 again.Copy !req
39. - Earl.
- Please.Copy !req
40. Whoa!
What's that stench?Copy !req
41. Are the carpets on fire again?Copy !req
42. - No, it's my scent, Daddy.
- Swell.Copy !req
43. It just came in
this morning. Smell.Copy !req
44. - Isn't it great?
- Yeah, great.Copy !req
45. Whoa, later.Copy !req
46. Oh, oh,
is somebody burning tires?Copy !req
47. Charlene got her scent.Copy !req
48. - It's a magical fragrance.
- Yeah.Copy !req
49. Congratulations. Now, could
somebody please open a window?Copy !req
50. Very funny.
You see, you're just jealousCopy !req
51. because I'm about to start
a whole new life.Copy !req
52. And once I'm married,
Mom and Dad won't be making all my decisionsCopy !req
53. like telling me where to go
and what to think.Copy !req
54. - I'll have a husband
to do that. - Good plan.Copy !req
55. Now, if you could just get
someone to chew your food and breathe for you,Copy !req
56. you won't have to lug
that pesky brain around.Copy !req
57. - Jealous.
- Yeah...Copy !req
58. Ha! Of course, I can't
start a whole new life with an old wardrobe.Copy !req
59. A milestone like this
requires major shopping.Copy !req
60. I'm glad to see the significance
of this event was not lost on you.Copy !req
61. Oh, I just realized. I could
meet him in school today.Copy !req
62. My future mate for life.Copy !req
63. Ha. I could be engaged
before homeroom.Copy !req
64. Oh, I gotta change!Copy !req
65. Ooh, OK, here comes another one.Copy !req
66. Yeah? OK.Copy !req
67. - Huh?Copy !req
68. - Huh?Copy !req
69. - Oh, gee.
- Boy, this is so depressing.Copy !req
70. I mean, six hours
and not one guy has noticed me.Copy !req
71. - There you are!Copy !req
72. Mr. Pullman?Copy !req
73. At last, my desperate,
lonely search is at an end.Copy !req
74. - Aah...
- Oh...Copy !req
75. Oh, boy.Copy !req
76. Oh, well, I don't know.
Charlene Sinclair-Pullman.Copy !req
77. - It could've been magic.
- Very funny.Copy !req
78. - What's that acrid odor?
- Huh?Copy !req
79. Oh, let me guess.
Burning rubber, right?Copy !req
80. Of course!
Those darn seniors.Copy !req
81. I told them, "No wheelies
in the parking lot."Copy !req
82. - Excuse me, ladies.
- Sure.Copy !req
83. Charlene, I don't know.
This is kind of weird.Copy !req
84. Standing in the hall waiting for
some boy to get wind of you.Copy !req
85. - It's pretty undignified.
- Yeah, you're right.Copy !req
86. What if I sat on the hood
of your car, and you drove me around town?Copy !req
87. - Ooh, cool. Meet you outside.
- Great.Copy !req
88. Oh, no! Not him!Copy !req
89. Not the custodian!Copy !req
90. - Oh, yes!
- No!Copy !req
91. Oh, baby!Copy !req
92. Honey, I'm home.Copy !req
93. Aaah!Copy !req
94. - Ohh!
- Ow!Copy !req
95. - Ow!
- Ooh!Copy !req
96. Aah!Copy !req
97. No!Copy !req
98. - Yeah!Copy !req
99. Oh, baby!Copy !req
100. Oh, that smarts! Oh!Copy !req
101. - I know I come
over here for something. -Copy !req
102. - Oh, yeah. That smell on you!
- What?Copy !req
103. Whoo-ee! Takes me back
to my first car.Copy !req
104. - I smell like a new car?
- Oh, heck, no.Copy !req
105. That baby had some
miles on her.Copy !req
106. - What?
- Burned off something fierce!Copy !req
107. Never figured I'd smell anything
like that old smudge pot again,Copy !req
108. - but, shoot, girl. Here you be.
- Yeah. Gosh.Copy !req
109. Wow, that's very flattering,
but if you don't mind I gotta go...Copy !req
110. Uh, uh, uh. You got the smell.Copy !req
111. That means you the one.Copy !req
112. I'm sure this is just
some sort of crazy mix-up.Copy !req
113. Oh, there's no use
fightin' it, darlin'.Copy !req
114. That smell and this nose
go together like a hog and slop.Copy !req
115. We was made
for each other, girl!Copy !req
116. But you don't even
know my name!Copy !req
117. - I know what it's gonna be!
- What?Copy !req
118. Mrs. Ray Gherkin, janitor!Copy !req
119. But, but, I, I...
I'm too young to be married.Copy !req
120. - No.
- I'm only 15.Copy !req
121. So. My sister was only 14
when she married Uncle Cephus.Copy !req
122. And there's nothing
I'd like moreCopy !req
123. than to be part of such
a loving, inbred family, but I...Copy !req
124. Yeah. You don't have to
sweet talk me, buttercup. I'm ready to do this deal.Copy !req
125. Yeah, but I'm not!Copy !req
126. I mean, I just can't believe
that I'm supposed toCopy !req
127. spend the rest
of my life with you!Copy !req
128. Believe it, sugar.
And it's a pretty picture, too.Copy !req
129. You, me, a trailer park,
and a parcel of young'unsCopy !req
130. crawling over everything like
maggots. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
131. Huh? Where'd my little
smoke bomb go?Copy !req
132. Don't matter.Copy !req
133. You can run...
but you can't hide.Copy !req
134. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
135. - More.
- You finished that whole gallon?Copy !req
136. - You can't still be hungry.
- This isn't about satisfying hunger,Copy !req
137. this is about exploding!Copy !req
138. I know you're disappointed,
but eating's only going to make it worse.Copy !req
139. Worse? Nature has determined
that I'm to spend my lifeCopy !req
140. with a boorish,
slovenly, dimwit?Copy !req
141. Do you have any idea
what that's like?Copy !req
142. - Fran, the TV's gone!
- Turn around, honey.Copy !req
143. Found it!Copy !req
144. - The time passes quickly.
- Yeah.Copy !req
145. - Oh, look at this!
- Hmm?Copy !req
146. You heard right, ladies.Copy !req
147. Spike reductions,
tail enlargements, even scent changesCopy !req
148. for just $29.95.
We'll make it bigger, smaller.Copy !req
149. Make you smell like a daisy
at Surgery King.Copy !req
150. If you can find the same
surgical procedures anywhere for less,Copy !req
151. I'll match it, or your
second surgery is free!Copy !req
152. And you can believe me because
I'm not just the announcer...Copy !req
153. I'm also a chief of surgery.Copy !req
154. - Move it.
- What? You're not serious!Copy !req
155. Charlene, you can't
change your scent.Copy !req
156. - It's a scam!
- You don't know that!Copy !req
157. Tonight we go behind
the scenes at Surgery King.Copy !req
158. - What?
- Where bogus promises of scent changingCopy !req
159. have already lured
countless, gullible saps.Copy !req
160. After that, two more
depressing stories,Copy !req
161. then a bit of fluff
from the old, whiny guy.Copy !req
162. - I'm gonna smell forever.
- There's nothing wrong with your scent.Copy !req
163. Your scent is who you are,
and I think you're a wonderful young girl.Copy !req
164. Yeah? Yeah, well if
I'm so wonderful,Copy !req
165. how come the only guy who sees
it spends most of his time with his head in the toilet?Copy !req
166. You know what?Copy !req
167. I think we should
invite Ray over for dinner.Copy !req
168. Uh-huh. And the twisted,
misguided logic behind that would be...Copy !req
169. That in a relaxed,
social setting,Copy !req
170. you can get to know
what Ray is really like.Copy !req
171. Oh, you're right, Mom.Copy !req
172. Yeah. It's time we move
past the glamorous,Copy !req
173. debonair image we all have
of school custodians.Copy !req
174. Look, if he's as awful
as you say, you have nothing to worry about.Copy !req
175. Your father will never give
his blessing for a marriage.Copy !req
176. What?Copy !req
177. - This can't be happening to me.Copy !req
178. - I'll get it.
- No! No, tell him we moved.Copy !req
179. Tell him it's the
wrong address, Mom. Please.Copy !req
180. OK. I don't want to
prejudice you in any way, Dad,Copy !req
181. but you've got to take a long,
hard look at this guyCopy !req
182. and see him for the
fat loser he really is.Copy !req
183. Now, don't worry.Copy !req
184. I'm not gonna let
just anybody walk off with my little princess.Copy !req
185. Earl, this is Ray Gherkin.Copy !req
186. - Howdy-do!
- I like him.Copy !req
187. - Dad!
- It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sinclair.Copy !req
188. Hope you don't mind, but I
parked my truck on your lawnCopy !req
189. so's I can keep an eye on it.Copy !req
190. Don't want nobody
stealing my new gun rack.Copy !req
191. - Smart.
- Hey, Smokey!Copy !req
192. Hi, Ray.
Uh, what's that under your arm?Copy !req
193. I didn't want to show up
at the in-laws empty-handed.Copy !req
194. - Brewski?
- You read my mind.Copy !req
195. All right! I bet I can
guzzle faster than you.Copy !req
196. - You're on!
- OK, here we go!Copy !req
197. Pretty dreamy, huh, Mom?Copy !req
198. - I'm champion.
- Wow! Doesn't that hurt?Copy !req
199. Can ain't got no feelin'.
Right, Earl?Copy !req
200. What a clever insight,Copy !req
201. but I believe, now,
my husband has some questionsCopy !req
202. - he'd like to ask you.
- Yes! Yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
203. - Questions?
Oh, yeah, right. Um... - Uh-huh.Copy !req
204. Could you teach me
that thing with the beer can?Copy !req
205. - Earl!Copy !req
206. - That ain't no big thing.
- Hmm?Copy !req
207. Here, Ray.
Why don't you sit down?Copy !req
208. - Oh, OK.
- No, Mom!Copy !req
209. So, Ray. Charlene tells me
you're a custodian.Copy !req
210. Yeah, but I'm just doing it
for the money, which ain't all that good.Copy !req
211. But I can swipe
all the disinfectant I want.Copy !req
212. Well, anyhoo, I'm taking
night school so I can make something of myself.Copy !req
213. Oh, really? Night school.Copy !req
214. - Please.
- Yep. Some say it's a dream,Copy !req
215. but someday...Copy !req
216. - ... I'm gonna be a tree pusher.Copy !req
217. - You wanna be a tree pusher?
- Yeah.Copy !req
218. Reach for the stars.
That's what Daddy said.Copy !req
219. Never said nothin' else.Copy !req
220. That's when we had to
keep him in that little room under the stairs.Copy !req
221. Hey, tree pushing's
a noble profession.Copy !req
222. You've gotta be a special
kind of guy to push down hundreds of trees a day.Copy !req
223. Are you sure you're up to it?Copy !req
224. Yep. Long as I got a good,
sturdy female behind me.Copy !req
225. Watch it!Copy !req
226. I know exactly what you mean.Copy !req
227. Would you excuse me
for a minute, please?Copy !req
228. Look, my life is
flashing before me.Copy !req
229. And it's your life, Mom.
Do something!Copy !req
230. Um... Why don't we have dinner
and chat some more?Copy !req
231. I'm sure we have
a lot to talk about.Copy !req
232. No, no. I think we can skip
the formalities, Frannie.Copy !req
233. - Ray.
- Yeah.Copy !req
234. I'd be honored to have you
as a member of my family.Copy !req
235. You adopting me?Copy !req
236. No. I'm giving you my blessing
to marry my daughter.Copy !req
237. Well, hot doggies!
Did you hear that, Charlene?Copy !req
238. Now there ain't nothing
to stop us from getting hitched.Copy !req
239. - Frail little bird, ain't she?Copy !req
240. - So, you're making a new scent?
- Yeah. I've got to.Copy !req
241. My real scent attracted
a janitor.Copy !req
242. You'd have someone
to clean up your room.Copy !req
243. Yeah... And yet,
something is missing.Copy !req
244. - Several key chromosomes?
- For starters.Copy !req
245. You think rubbing on
this other scentCopy !req
246. is gonna help you attract
a better class of guy?Copy !req
247. - Yeah.
- What a bizarre concept.Copy !req
248. Hey, it's worth a try.
Here we go. Ah!Copy !req
249. - OK. Come on,
smell me, smell me. - OK, OK.Copy !req
250. - What do you smell?Copy !req
251. - I'm in a pine forest...
- Good.Copy !req
252. - ... high in the mountains...
- Yeah.Copy !req
253. A sweet, alpine breeze caresses
me with the scent of jasmine...Copy !req
254. - Jasmine.
- ... honeysuckle,Copy !req
255. - and a fiery heap
of burning whitewalls. -Copy !req
256. There's got to be a way out.
I mean...Copy !req
257. There's got to be
something I can do!Copy !req
258. Refer to scent...Copy !req
259. Scent, hmm, scent, scent.
Where is it?Copy !req
260. Oh, here it is!Copy !req
261. OK... All right...Copy !req
262. - Charlene, it's two
in the morning. - What?Copy !req
263. - What are you doing?
- Well, I'm just reading, Grandma.Copy !req
264. Hey, shouldn't you be asleep?Copy !req
265. I try to stay up at night
so I'm out cold when your father's around.Copy !req
266. - Nah.Copy !req
267. - So... you're reading.
- Yeah.Copy !req
268. What is it, fashion catalogues?Copy !req
269. No, no. I'm studying
a medical textCopy !req
270. on reptilian,
olfactory function.Copy !req
271. - I'm old, don't mess
with my world. - Oh, no, no, no. Grandma.Copy !req
272. Several of these books
mention one particular flower with enzymesCopy !req
273. so powerful that it can
actually change a dinosaur's body chemistry.Copy !req
274. If I could find that flower,
I might be able to change my scent.Copy !req
275. You're talking about
the McGuffen lily.Copy !req
276. Yes, that's it!
Oh, that's the one! Where is it?Copy !req
277. Well, nobody knows for sure.Copy !req
278. Legend has it
that it grows in a valleyCopy !req
279. on the other side
of the super continent.Copy !req
280. Look, you've got to tell me
how to get there.Copy !req
281. Please. It's the only chance
I've got to change my scent.Copy !req
282. Charlene, sweetheart,
you can't change your scent.Copy !req
283. Fine, fine.Copy !req
284. Then I'll marry Ray,
he'll move in here,Copy !req
285. and you'll have someone
exactly like Dad around all the time.Copy !req
286. Um... I'll draw you a map.Copy !req
287. Let's see...
North by northwest...Copy !req
288. Yeah, OK. Here we go.Copy !req
289. OK...Copy !req
290. OK... Uh...Copy !req
291. OK. OK, if this map is right,Copy !req
292. there should be a whole field of
lilies just beyond these vines.Copy !req
293. All right,
we're about there.Copy !req
294. - Hi there.Copy !req
295. Welcome to Foto-Fast.
Film developing in a flash.Copy !req
296. What are
you doing here?Copy !req
297. I offer the finest in photo
processing with drive-thru convenience, of course.Copy !req
298. What! Drive-thru?
There are no roads out here!Copy !req
299. Sure, now, but when there are,Copy !req
300. you watch everyone start
scrambling for all the good locations.Copy !req
301. - Then we'll see
who's crazy, huh? - Well, maybe you can help me.Copy !req
302. Oh, sure.
You picking up or dropping off?Copy !req
303. No, no. I'm looking
for a special kind of flower.Copy !req
304. The McGuffen lily.Copy !req
305. Uh, beautiful little thing
with golden blossomsCopy !req
306. and a wondrous,
almost mystical, fragrance?Copy !req
307. Yes! Yes! Have you seen it?Copy !req
308. - Sure, the place
was lousy with them. - What?Copy !req
309. That was before we paved
the whole thing over to build the hut.Copy !req
310. There's still some around,
right?Copy !req
311. - You didn't tear them
all up, did you? - Uh, 'fraid so.Copy !req
312. Hey, if you don't want
any pictures developed,Copy !req
313. you got anything
you want laminated?Copy !req
314. - No.
- Uh, film to video transfer?Copy !req
315. No. I needed those flowers.Copy !req
316. - I can make you a key.
- Shut up!Copy !req
317. Oh, boy. I can't believe I came
all this way for nothing!Copy !req
318. Oh, I'd hardly say nothing.Copy !req
319. Bring this coupon next time and
you get free double prints. Eh?Copy !req
320. How am I supposed to
change my scent now?Copy !req
321. Those flowers were
my only hope.Copy !req
322. - Aah, tough break, kid.
- Yeah.Copy !req
323. Say, on your way home,
could you stick some of these flyers on trees?Copy !req
324. - I'm dying out hereCopy !req
325. I still don't understand
how you could let her go off on a dangerous tripCopy !req
326. like that all by herself.
She's only 15!Copy !req
327. - Oh, beauty!Copy !req
328. I don't know what
I was thinking.Copy !req
329. Well, I can't just
stand here waiting.Copy !req
330. - I'm calling the police.
- Don't bother, I'm back.Copy !req
331. Charlene, thank heavens!
Are you all right?Copy !req
332. - I'm fine.
- Did you find the lilies?Copy !req
333. No. The legendary lilies
were all plowed underCopy !req
334. to make room for a one-hour
photo booth.Copy !req
335. I wish I'd known.
I had film.Copy !req
336. That was such a crazy
thing to do.Copy !req
337. Anything's worth it
to get out of marrying Ray.Copy !req
338. But you can't get out of it.
This is the way nature planned it.Copy !req
339. - This is your destiny.
- Well, I want a different destiny.Copy !req
340. Honey, marriage is not that bad.Copy !req
341. Sure, Ray may seem like
not the best catch in the world,Copy !req
342. but with your help
he can grow and change.Copy !req
343. - Just look at your father.
- Bad example.Copy !req
344. I've been working with him,
shaping him, for 20 yearsCopy !req
345. and with wonderful results.Copy !req
346. Why you can see
he's so much more... more...Copy !req
347. - Fat.
- Mother!Copy !req
348. I'm trying to give her
a reason to live!Copy !req
349. Uh, I found a reason
to live, Ma.Copy !req
350. I... I climbed a mountain.Copy !req
351. I crossed a desert.
I hiked a thousand miles.Copy !req
352. - You climbed a mountain?
- Yep.Copy !req
353. And I discovered
I'm capable of anything.Copy !req
354. And that there's a world
of adventure and challenge out there.Copy !req
355. But now the only adventure
in my life will be discoveringCopy !req
356. new ways to get beer stains
out of Ray's overalls.Copy !req
357. - Rub in a little club soda?
- So Thursday night...Copy !req
358. - Oh, Charlene, you're back.
- Yeah.Copy !req
359. Ray, you are losing it, pal.Copy !req
360. When I was courtin' Frannie,
I could smell her a mile away.Copy !req
361. Depending on the
prevailing winds, of course.Copy !req
362. Smokey, is that you?Copy !req
363. - Yeah, it's me.Copy !req
364. - Whoo-ee, you stink!
- Huh?Copy !req
365. Hey, Ray.
Hey, a word of advice.Copy !req
366. You don't usually talk
to your wife like that until after the wedding.Copy !req
367. Oh, I don't care.
That smell could knock a rat off a road pizza.Copy !req
368. - What?
- You've done something to your scent.Copy !req
369. You go back and hose
yourself off. Get yourself smelling right.Copy !req
370. - Now, go on, girl. Git.
- But... Mom? What does he mean?Copy !req
371. I mean, I don't smell
different, do I?Copy !req
372. - Well, you do to him.
- So...Copy !req
373. Don't you see,
your scent has changed.Copy !req
374. But how could it?
I never found the flowers.Copy !req
375. You tried to find them.Copy !req
376. When everyone said
you couldn't change your scent,Copy !req
377. - you still went out and tried.
- Ohh...Copy !req
378. The old Charlene
would have just given up.Copy !req
379. You've changed,
Charlene. In here.Copy !req
380. - I'm a-waiting.
- Aah... Yeah...Copy !req
381. - I'm sorry, Ray...
- Huh?Copy !req
382. - ... but I'm not going anywhere.
- Oh?Copy !req
383. And I'm not
going to marry you.Copy !req
384. Don't you sass me, girl!Copy !req
385. There's plenty of females
out there'd give their eyeteeth to be with me.Copy !req
386. - Well, then marry one of them.
- Huh?Copy !req
387. You belong with someone
who's missing some teeth.Copy !req
388. All right,
I'm out of here, dadgumit.Copy !req
389. - But you won't forget me, girl.Copy !req
390. Every time you see a shiny,
white toilet staring back at youCopy !req
391. like a polar bear's butt,
you're gonna remember Ray Gherkin, janitor!Copy !req
392. - Oh!
- There! Now, I'm gettin' out of here.Copy !req
393. I'm gonna miss that
colorful dialect.Copy !req
394. Charlene,
are you crazy!Copy !req
395. Letting that gem of a guy
walk out of here?Copy !req
396. You go out there
and apologize to him right now!Copy !req
397. - No, Daddy.
- What did you say?Copy !req
398. I said I'm not
apologizing to Ray.Copy !req
399. And I'm not marrying anyone
until I'm ready.Copy !req
400. - Okeydoke.Copy !req
401. Hey, what happened to Ray?Copy !req
402. He's out there taking
his truck off the blocks.Copy !req
403. - I threw him out.
- Oh, yeah, right.Copy !req
404. I did and I've got news for you.Copy !req
405. I'm not gonna let you
walk all over me anymoreCopy !req
406. with your macho,
teenage male posturing,Copy !req
407. and your pseudo-intellectual,
anti-establishment attitude.Copy !req
408. - What'd you find out there?
A thesaurus? - Ha!Copy !req
409. Look, don't push me, Charlene.
I know your weak spots.Copy !req
410. I could reduce you
to rubble like that.Copy !req
411. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
412. - Take your best shot.
- OK, all right, you asked for it.Copy !req
413. Your sweater.
It's got... a snag.Copy !req
414. It's only clothing.Copy !req
415. Aah!Copy !req