1. At last,
Dr. Fiend, you've done it.Copy !req
2. Oh, they laughed
at me, Igor.Copy !req
3. They mocked me.
They said I was mad!Copy !req
4. But, now I, and I alone,Copy !req
5. have given life to...Copy !req
6. a squash!Copy !req
7. My squash is alive!Copy !req
8. Doctor, you are mad.Copy !req
9. Yes! But, mad angry.Copy !req
10. Not mad crazy.Copy !req
11. Doctor, something's
gone horribly wrong.Copy !req
12. The monster squash,
it's... it's growing out of control!Copy !req
13. - Earl?Copy !req
14. Jeez!Copy !req
15. I don't want Baby watching
these awful scary movies.Copy !req
16. He'll have nightmares.Copy !req
17. I'm not scared
of vegetables.Copy !req
18. Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, Fran!Copy !req
19. This isn't merely
a scary movie, it's more of a, uh...Copy !req
20. - Uh, a documentary.
- Yeah!Copy !req
21. Which examines the consequences
of meddling in things you don't understand.Copy !req
22. - Yeah.
- A giant walking squash?Copy !req
23. - It could happen.Copy !req
24. Come on, sweetheart.
Time for bed.Copy !req
25. No, no,
I wanna watch the movie.Copy !req
26. - I wanna see the scary squash!
- Fine, stunt his intellectual growth.Copy !req
27. Robbie and I
are gonna sit here and soak up some science.Copy !req
28. And now, back to 50 Foot Vegetable Theater.Copy !req
29. I wanna watch
the scary movie.Copy !req
30. I'm a big boy.Copy !req
31. Of course you are.
You want your snuggle bear?Copy !req
32. - Yes.
- There.Copy !req
33. Mmm.Copy !req
34. - Good night.Copy !req
35. - Night, mama.
- Good night, sweetheart.Copy !req
36. - Night, mama.
- Good night.Copy !req
37. - Night, mama.
- Good night.Copy !req
38. - Night, ma...Copy !req
39. Big boy.Copy !req
40. Not scared.Copy !req
41. Um, Mr. Squash?
Is that you?Copy !req
42. Better come out, or...
or I'll bite you.Copy !req
43. Mr. Squash?Copy !req
44. Mama!Copy !req
45. Honey, I'm home.Copy !req
46. Ahh!Copy !req
47. - Ooh!
- Ow!Copy !req
48. - Ow!
- Ooh!Copy !req
49. Aah!Copy !req
50. Oh, Earl. I wish
you wouldn't make such a big deal about of this.Copy !req
51. Oh, not a big deal.
Just want to be loose and limber.Copy !req
52. Don't want to cramp up
in a crucial moment.Copy !req
53. Get into bed!Copy !req
54. Ooh, you impatient
little minx.Copy !req
55. - Oh, Earl.
- Oh, Fran.Copy !req
56. To be with you
at this magic moment.Copy !req
57. Where the only sound
is the beating of our hearts.Copy !req
58. Help, monster!Copy !req
59. And, the whistling
of the wind in the trees.Copy !req
60. Mommy, Daddy, help!Copy !req
61. Yeah, that's pretty much
all you hear.Copy !req
62. - Hearts and wind.
- Mommy!Copy !req
63. - Oh.
- Frannie, you're ruining the mood.Copy !req
64. I told you not to let him
watch that monster movie.Copy !req
65. All right,
it was my mistake. I feel terrible anguish.Copy !req
66. - Comfort me?
- Mama!Copy !req
67. - He needs me, Earl.
- And I need you, too.Copy !req
68. Come on, Fran.
Who do you love more?Copy !req
69. OK, you can let me know
when you get back.Copy !req
70. Mama, Mama, Mama!Copy !req
71. Mama, Mama!Copy !req
72. Mama, the monster's
gonna eat me!Copy !req
73. Aww, there's no monster,
sweetheart.Copy !req
74. No one's
trying to eat you.Copy !req
75. - Don't leave me.
- I won't.Copy !req
76. I'll be right here
until you fall asleep.Copy !req
77. Even if I have
to stay here all night long.Copy !req
78. Fran, we're running out
of Thursday night.Copy !req
79. - He's frightened, Earl.
- So am I!Copy !req
80. Look, let me handle this.Copy !req
81. All right, I believe
I know a little bit about child psychology.Copy !req
82. Son, the next time you see
that big ugly monster,Copy !req
83. you take this
special monster bat,Copy !req
84. and let him have it.Copy !req
85. Whack!
Right on the head.Copy !req
86. - OK?
- OK, Daddy.Copy !req
87. Attaboy.
Go, Fran.Copy !req
88. And, remember,Copy !req
89. Mommy and Daddy are down
the hall in their room doing mommy and daddy thingsCopy !req
90. permissible under the law
between two consenting adults.Copy !req
91. We're outta here, Fran.Copy !req
92. - Whack the monster!
- Turn on the light.Copy !req
93. - Whack the monster!Copy !req
94. - Fran, lights, now!
- I can't find the switch.Copy !req
95. - Whack the monster!Copy !req
96. There it is.Copy !req
97. Are you all right,
sweetheart?Copy !req
98. - No, I broke
my monster bat. - Aww.Copy !req
99. I'm scared again.
Don't leave me.Copy !req
100. Don't worry.
I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
101. - One of us ought
to get some sleep. - No!Copy !req
102. Big monster,
need Mommy and Daddy!Copy !req
103. - Don't worry, Earl.Copy !req
104. He'll be out
like a light in five minutes.Copy !req
105. See you in the morning,
Fran.Copy !req
106. Last night
I heard some sort of noise. Did you?Copy !req
107. Was there something
going on with the baby?Copy !req
108. - I don't know.
I slept like a rock. - Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
109. Hey.Copy !req
110. - You guys look terrible.
- Yeah, get some rest.Copy !req
111. - Yeah.
- Huh.Copy !req
112. Gosh, I hope I don't look
that pathetic when I'm old.Copy !req
113. - Morning, kids.Copy !req
114. Awake all night,
no sleep.Copy !req
115. I can't live like this,
Fran.Copy !req
116. It's just one night.
It won't last.Copy !req
117. I can't live
like this, Earl.Copy !req
118. This just isn't fair.Copy !req
119. He's awake all night
then sleeps all day.Copy !req
120. This "monster-under-the-bed"
thing is not going away.Copy !req
121. If we're ever gonna
get any sleep,Copy !req
122. we have to take bold,
decisive action.Copy !req
123. - We're going to a motel.
- Far away.Copy !req
124. We have to get
a good night's sleep and then we'll be back.Copy !req
125. - Maybe.
- The number's on the fridge?Copy !req
126. - No. Come on, Earl.
- Oh.Copy !req
127. - Look, don't worry.
We'll be fine. - Whatever.Copy !req
128. - Bye. Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
129. Yes! All right!Copy !req
130. Baby's in bed,
parents are gone.Copy !req
131. Pop a couple frozen pizzas
in the oven.Copy !req
132. I've got some
long distance calls to make.Copy !req
133. - It's a plan.
- Party.Copy !req
134. - Mama!
Come quick, the monster! - Huh?Copy !req
135. - Mama!
- Flip for it?Copy !req
136. - OK.
- OK.Copy !req
137. - Mama! Mama, come quick!
- Tails, he's yours.Copy !req
138. - Yeah.Copy !req
139. - Mama!
- What?Copy !req
140. - The monster!
- All right!Copy !req
141. Tell your big sister
where the horrible monster is.Copy !req
142. I'll kick
his monster butt.Copy !req
143. He's under the bed!
There!Copy !req
144. You know what?
I think you're making this whole monster thing up.Copy !req
145. - No!
- You're trying to get attention.Copy !req
146. No, no, no, no! Please?Copy !req
147. - OK, I'll check.
- Oh, good.Copy !req
148. Be careful!Copy !req
149. - Are you under here,
Mr. Monster? -Copy !req
150. No monsters here.Copy !req
151. Charlene!Copy !req
152. No!Copy !req
153. Robbie!Copy !req
154. We now return to 50 Foot Vegetable Theater.Copy !req
155. This time I've
really done it, Igor.Copy !req
156. Behold!Copy !req
157. A shiitake mushroom!Copy !req
158. Robbie!Copy !req
159. - What?
- Need you now!Copy !req
160. Charlene's there. Need her. - The monster ate her!Copy !req
161. Well, then I'll bet
Mr. Monster's tired from all that chewing.Copy !req
162. - Now why don't you
both go to sleep? - I'm scared!Copy !req
163. Charlene,
could you please deal with this?Copy !req
164. I don't think so.Copy !req
165. Oh. All right.Copy !req
166. She just doesn't know
how to handle kids.Copy !req
167. Stand back!Copy !req
168. I've come to vanquish
the evil slumber menace once and for all.Copy !req
169. I brought my special
monster zapper.Copy !req
170. That's the vacuum cleaner.Copy !req
171. With a special
monster-sucking accessory hose.Copy !req
172. - Oh.
- So, where's Charlene?Copy !req
173. I told you.
Monster pulled her under the bed!Copy !req
174. Oh, look.
I'm gonna show you once and for all...Copy !req
175. - there is no monster...
- No! Don't!Copy !req
176. under the bed! What?Copy !req
177. Just this big scary hole
leading into a cavernous netherworld.Copy !req
178. Charlene's down there.
We gotta save her!Copy !req
179. Well, look, just
because you saw Charlene get sucked into that hole,Copy !req
180. doesn't mean
she's down there.Copy !req
181. Robbie! Help!Copy !req
182. Help me, Robbie!
Can you hear me?Copy !req
183. Bummer.Copy !req
184. Um... uh...Copy !req
185. listen, little guy,
if you're a touch nervous being down here,Copy !req
186. I understand and we can
just turn aroundCopy !req
187. and head back
and rethink this.Copy !req
188. You're chicken,
aren't you?Copy !req
189. - Oh, no.
I'm thinking of you. - Chicken-boy!Copy !req
190. - Stop it.Copy !req
191. - Cut that out.Copy !req
192. - Aw, jeez.Copy !req
193. Shh! Charlene?Copy !req
194. Oh, Robbie, be careful.Copy !req
195. - He'll see you.
- Who?Copy !req
196. The monster.
Oh, he's got huge clawsCopy !req
197. and a horrible face
with lots of big, sharp teeth.Copy !req
198. Don't see any monster.
Maybe it's your imagination.Copy !req
199. All right, I'm sorry
I didn't believe you.Copy !req
200. Now hurry up
and get me out of here!Copy !req
201. - He's gonna cook me for dinner.
- Yeah. Well, where did he go?Copy !req
202. That way. Robbie,
we gotta hurry.Copy !req
203. He could be back here
any minute.Copy !req
204. Look, I don't know what
he's doing, but I'm sure it's something diabolical.Copy !req
205. - There.Copy !req
206. Hey! What're you doing here,
you stinking meddling kids?Copy !req
207. - Oh, no.
- Uh...Copy !req
208. - This is your big,
scary monster? - Yeah.Copy !req
209. This is the threat
beneath the house?Copy !req
210. - Oh, I'm shaking!
- No, Robbie.Copy !req
211. No, you'll just
get him mad.Copy !req
212. Oh, we don't want
to get him mad because if we did thatCopy !req
213. then we'd be unleashing,
what, a good 30 pounds of subterranean fury?Copy !req
214. Come here, little fella.
Come here, boy.Copy !req
215. - Robbie.
- Whoa, whoa!Copy !req
216. Never underestimate a guy
with a low center of gravity.Copy !req
217. I'm sorry, Earl,
but I called three times and no one answered.Copy !req
218. Something
is obviously wrong.Copy !req
219. Ah, they're probably
fast asleep.Copy !req
220. Give me one reason
why we should be here instead of back at the motel.Copy !req
221. There are two pizzas here,
they haven't even been touched.Copy !req
222. - Good enough for me.
- I'll check the baby's room.Copy !req
223. Well, oh,
and, uh, I'll check the refrigeratorCopy !req
224. for signs of other
suspicious foodstuffs.Copy !req
225. - Mmm.Copy !req
226. This chocolate cake
bears closer inspection.Copy !req
227. I'd better send it
right down to the lab.Copy !req
228. Robbie? Charlene?Copy !req
229. Earl! Come quick!Copy !req
230. They're gone!
Call the police!Copy !req
231. Jeez.Copy !req
232. Yeah, when you think
"daring rescue"Copy !req
233. you almost have to think
"Robert Sinclair."Copy !req
234. - Not amusing.
- I mean, how do you do it?Copy !req
235. It's like you're some
sort of rescuing machine.Copy !req
236. - Ooh, a fight.
- I'm gonna get outta here fine.Copy !req
237. - You know why?
- Why?Copy !req
238. Our friend will eat you
first and choke to death on your fat head.Copy !req
239. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
240. Fat head,
that's funny.Copy !req
241. And a fat butt
to match it.Copy !req
242. Oh, yeah? Let's see you
come over to my cage and say that!Copy !req
243. Shut up. Shut up!Copy !req
244. It's bad enough
living under this noise.Copy !req
245. Now I gotta be ringside
to this nonstop yapfest.Copy !req
246. If you hate us so much,
why are you living under our house?Copy !req
247. I'm living
under your house? Oh, that's rich.Copy !req
248. I'm not living
under your house, you're living on top of mine!Copy !req
249. When we built our house
there was nothing but a mound of dirt.Copy !req
250. Well, that mound of dirt
was my home.Copy !req
251. One minute, I'm sitting
in the sun room, doing my crossword,Copy !req
252. and the next,
somebody's pouring concrete on my head!Copy !req
253. But that was ten years ago.
What've you been doing all this time?Copy !req
254. Tunneling through
ten feet of concrete.Copy !req
255. But... but, ten years?Copy !req
256. It took me eight years
just to get the permits.Copy !req
257. Look, I know you're mad,
but you don't have to kill us.Copy !req
258. If you were displaced
from your land, you have rights, we can negotiate,Copy !req
259. one species to another.Copy !req
260. Ah, you want to negotiate?Copy !req
261. - Yeah.
- Fine, I'll negotiate.Copy !req
262. I'll negotiate
after I eat you!Copy !req
263. Well, at least we have
a dialogue going. Ha.Copy !req
264. You were right to call
the authorities.Copy !req
265. When citizens take the law
into their own hands,Copy !req
266. we police
have very little to do.Copy !req
267. Chief, we completed
the investigation of the child's room.Copy !req
268. - Ah, excellent. Report.
- Back here, sir.Copy !req
269. - Huh? Right.
- Yes, Chief. The hole checks out.Copy !req
270. - We're dealing with a monster.
- You're sure?Copy !req
271. Yeah, big spider webs.
Eerie, dripping sounds.Copy !req
272. Torches on the walls.
It's a 317, all right.Copy !req
273. - 317?
- Monster under the bed.Copy !req
274. We get them
all the time, ma'am.Copy !req
275. Really? What kind
of a monster is it?Copy !req
276. From the physical evidence,
I'd say the subject is a male,Copy !req
277. webbed claws, about 300 pounds,
lots of spooky, googly eyes all over its head.Copy !req
278. - Oh!
- I'm just guessing on the eye thing.Copy !req
279. Now try and stay calm,
Mrs. Sinclair.Copy !req
280. This situation
is under control.Copy !req
281. Your children are in
the competent hands ofCopy !req
282. trained law enforcement
professionals.Copy !req
283. Hey, everybody!
We're gonna be on TV!Copy !req
284. - Oh, goody!Copy !req
285. - Call my mom,
tell her to tape this. - 10-4.Copy !req
286. We interrupt this program for a special report.Copy !req
287. Here is DNN's
senior correspondent, Howard Handupme.Copy !req
288. Good afternoon,
the standoff betweenCopy !req
289. local police and the scary
monster under the bedCopy !req
290. continues at this hourCopy !req
291. as negotiators
search for a wayCopy !req
292. to communicate
with the beast.Copy !req
293. Police Chief Parish,
any luck making contact with the creature?Copy !req
294. No, Howard. I'm afraid
we're pretty much out of ideas at this point.Copy !req
295. If only it were as easy
as picking up a telephoneCopy !req
296. and calling
the creature itself.Copy !req
297. But there are
no easy answers in police work.Copy !req
298. Wouldn't you say, Chief?Copy !req
299. Ah, oh, nuts.Copy !req
300. Hello?
Monster-Under-the-Bed.Copy !req
301. Uh, can I call you back?
I'm right in the middle of dinner.Copy !req
302. Oh, all right.
But make it quick, I'm famished.Copy !req
303. - Here you go,
it's for you. - Uh...Copy !req
304. Hello?Copy !req
305. Robbie, can you hear me?
Are you all right?Copy !req
306. So far. What happened
is we built our house on top of this guy's house,Copy !req
307. which was wrong, but,
he's not such a bad guy, he's pretty reasonable.Copy !req
308. - And he's gonna eat us.
- Baby! Is that you?Copy !req
309. We're now hearing the voice
of Baby Sinclair.Copy !req
310. He's gonna cook us in
a big pot with carrots. I hate carrots!Copy !req
311. - Earl, do something!
- Who, me?Copy !req
312. - Son, this is your dad.
- How ya doing?Copy !req
313. This is your dad.Copy !req
314. Hey, look, when I talk
on the telephone,Copy !req
315. it comes out
on the TV!Copy !req
316. Hello, my name is Earl.
I am now talking into the telephone.Copy !req
317. All right,
enough chit-chat. Time to eat!Copy !req
318. Please, sir.
I know how to handle this.Copy !req
319. We calm him down,
establish a rapport.Copy !req
320. Hey, there, monster.Copy !req
321. Did you ever share
a hot cocoa with your dad?Copy !req
322. Well, yeah.
Yeah, I did.Copy !req
323. - Boy, that really
brings back memories. - Sure.Copy !req
324. - Sounds like you
really understand. - Ha-ha.Copy !req
325. Well, it's just 'cause
I care so darn much.Copy !req
326. Release those kids, dirtbag!
Or we'll turn you off like a light switch!Copy !req
327. - If I go, they go with me!
- You don't have the guts!Copy !req
328. I dare ya! Go ahead,
scaredy-pants, do it!Copy !req
329. - Do it!Copy !req
330. - He's clearly unstable.Copy !req
331. We'd better move in.Copy !req
332. - Ahh!Copy !req
333. So it appears
we've reached a boiling pointCopy !req
334. as police and monster
inch ever closer to an almost inevitable firestorm.Copy !req
335. Huh? Yes.Copy !req
336. I've just been informed
the tactical teamCopy !req
337. is about to make its move
into the cavern.Copy !req
338. - Everyone ready?
- Yep.Copy !req
339. Count of three.Copy !req
340. - One...
- No, no!Copy !req
341. two...Copy !req
342. And we'll be right back
after a wordCopy !req
343. from the makers
of Happy Fluff candy.Copy !req
344. Hold it.Copy !req
345. Have you tried
new cocoa Fluff?Copy !req
346. Can I have some more, Mom?Copy !req
347. - And we're back live.
- ... three, let's go!Copy !req
348. Earl,
you've got to stop them!Copy !req
349. - Wait a minute!
- Hold it.Copy !req
350. - I've got an idea.Copy !req
351. Out of the chaos
comes the lone, tiny voice of a child.Copy !req
352. What idea could this
adorable, but naive, moppet provideCopy !req
353. that could possibly
change the terrible destiny that now unfolds before us?Copy !req
354. Do you want to hear
my idea or not?Copy !req
355. All right.Copy !req
356. Just move the house.Copy !req
357. Move the house.
In a word, ridiculous.Copy !req
358. But let's throw it
to our resident expert, Ernest J. LaPan.Copy !req
359. Ernest,
is it at all possible?Copy !req
360. Could they actually
just move the house?Copy !req
361. Sure.Copy !req
362. But, even if
it is possible,Copy !req
363. will this bloodthirsty,
half-crazed basement beastCopy !req
364. possible consider
such a whimsical solution.Copy !req
365. - Hmm. Yeah, OK.
- Yay!Copy !req
366. - Gets us home by 6:00.
- OK.Copy !req
367. Isn't that
wonderful, Earl?Copy !req
368. Well, I don't know
how I feel until TV tells me.Copy !req
369. And so,
this dramatic stalemate sadly peters outCopy !req
370. without any of the gunplay
we have come to expect.Copy !req
371. And, in fact,
pathetically need.Copy !req
372. Stay tuned for
the movie of the week.Copy !req
373. Loosely based
on this incident,Copy !req
374. but with a much more
exciting ending.Copy !req
375. And nudity. Good night.Copy !req
376. Yay!Copy !req
377. - Hold on,
here comes another one. - Oh.Copy !req
378. Whee!Copy !req
379. Again!Copy !req
380. - I think that did it.
- Oh. Whew.Copy !req
381. - You had quite an adventure.
- I did, Mama.Copy !req
382. All right,
fellas, thanks a lot.Copy !req
383. Well, that was smooth,
crisis averted.Copy !req
384. - Everyone's happy.
- Yep.Copy !req
385. Hey, you know something?Copy !req
386. I learned a very valuable
lesson from all this.Copy !req
387. What's that, Earl?Copy !req
388. - Gather round, everybody.
- OK.Copy !req
389. I learned
that when an infant tells you something,Copy !req
390. no matter how wildly
improbable or utterly farfetched it might seem,Copy !req
391. you should believe him,
'cause he's always telling the truth.Copy !req
392. Earl, that's...Copy !req
393. ridiculous!
That's a stupid lesson.Copy !req
394. Well, let's just see.Copy !req
395. What do you have to say,
little fellow?Copy !req
396. Look,
a giant monster squash!Copy !req
397. OK, I guess
I was wrong...Copy !req
398. again.Copy !req
399. No, no, no, really!
There's a giant monster squash out there!Copy !req