1. I keep telling you, Fran, someday
we're gonna want to retire,
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2. and we're gonna have
nothing to retire on
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3. if you keep writing
those checks.
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4. Frittering our money away on
frivolous notions and knick-knacks.
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5. Knick-knacks?
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6. "Wesayso Water and Power."
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7. Seventy-nine bucks!
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8. Water and power?
Do we need both?
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9. Earl, the reason we decided
that I should pay the bills
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10. is that when you pay the
bills you always overreact.
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11. - Oh, my!
- "Oh, my"?
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12. What "oh, my"? You
never say "oh, my."
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13. We'll worry about
this one later.
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14. Oh, no! We'll fly off the
handle about it right now!
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15. It's the phone bill and it's just
a little more than I expected.
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16. 4,563,000 dollars?
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17. That's our phone number.
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18. Oh. Three hundred dollars.
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19. That's a lot too.
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20. Who's making these calls?
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21. I'm afraid it's Mother, Earl.
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22. But you've got to understand
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23. her only pleasure in
the autumn of her life
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24. is talking to friends
and relatives.
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25. - She's just a lonely old lady.
- She's a lonely old leech,
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26. sucking away our
retirement money.
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27. She's a part of
this family, Earl.
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28. She contributes just
as much as anyone else.
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29. Jean-Claude...
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30. Come on, Grandma, finish story.
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31. Come on! The wolf huffs
and puffs, and then what?
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32. Mmm.
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33. Hmm?
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34. Big mistake.
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35. Give it back!
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36. I mean it.
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37. That does it.
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38. Here comes the pouty face.
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39. Huh?
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40. Hey, where you going
with my suck toy?
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41. Hey, you! Come back here!
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42. Oh, you're right, Fran.
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43. She is contributing.
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44. Look, she's busy
holding down the rug,
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45. doing the work of six
or eight carpet tacks.
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46. - She's just tired, Earl.
- Dialing fatigue, Fran.
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47. She's worn out from making
all those long-distance calls.
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48. - Want suck toy!
- What is it, sweetheart?
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49. Want suck toy!
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50. Want, want, want.
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51. He wants a suck toy, she
wants to sit on the phone all day,
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52. and you probably
got your heart set
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53. on some snazzy
new high-price mop.
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54. Well, all these baubles
don't come free.
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55. This family's gotta learn you don't
get something just because you want it.
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56. Want suck toy!
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57. Oh, wow.
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58. My suck toy.
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59. Hey, let me try this.
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60. Want a cable-ready big screen!
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61. - We need a bigger fireplace.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!
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62. Earl, you don't know
where that's been.
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63. - Sure I do. It's been in the chimney.
- Yeah.
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64. - It's still perfectly good.
- It's dirty, throw it away.
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65. Oh, yeah, let's buy a new one.
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66. And while we're at it,
let's buy a new chimney.
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67. - The dirty pacifier's
been in it.
- It's full of germs.
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68. Trust me, Fran. There's
no such thing as germs.
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69. So, who do you
like, the little pink kid?
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70. Yeah, he's a real fluff
ball, a regular four-star host.
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71. Hey, I say we move
in, find a nice warm spot
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72. and make ourselves at home.
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73. - And then trash the place!
- Yeah!
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74. - Gimme, gimme, gimme!
- Yes.
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75. Earl, if he catches something,
you're going to be very sorry.
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76. You worry too much, Fran.
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77. He's the picture of health.
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78. Ah... ah... choo!
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79. "and blew the house down."
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80. Honey, I'm home.
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81. Aaah!
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82. - Ohh!
- Ow!
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83. - Ow!
- Ooh!
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84. Aah!
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85. This better be good, Fran.
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86. The old family emergency excuse
doesn't exactly hold water at work.
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87. - I'd better see some
body parts here.
- Guess what, Earl?
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88. The baby is sick.
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89. The baby is sick.
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90. Well, it's a good thing
that I rushed home
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91. from my important job
in the middle of the day
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92. because apparently I'm
the only one who can operate
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93. the highly complicated
Kleenex machine.
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94. I've seen a lot of
phlegm in my time,
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95. but I've never seen
this color before.
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96. This is your fault, Earl.
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97. Now you'll take
him to the doctor.
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98. Oh, Fran, I'm sure all the
little snuffle bunny needs
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99. is a bottle of juice, a nap,
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100. and some TLC from his D-A-D.
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101. Not the mama.
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102. He, um, specifically
asked for you, sweetheart.
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103. He needs proper medical
attention right now.
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104. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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105. These childhood illnesses always
look worse than they really are.
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106. Remember Robbie? He
had exactly the same thing.
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107. I mean, not the spinning head.
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108. So what would you suggest, Earl?
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109. I suggest we don't spend our
money on needless doctor visits.
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110. I'm as smart as those
so-called medical experts
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111. with their shiny metal
thing on their... up there,
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112. and that wooden
tongue stick doo-dah
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113. that they put in your
mouth and you go "aah."
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114. And that cold silver listening
thing they wear around their, uh...
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115. - I'll go start the car.
- And the red rubber
hammer thing
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116. that they use to hit you on
the bendy part of the leg with.
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117. See? We could've
done this at home, Fran.
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118. We got a trash can,
we got old magazines.
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119. We got a whole drawer full of...
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120. Yaah! What are these?
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121. Hello, I'm Dr. Ficus. What
seems to be the problem today?
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122. It's our baby.
He's awfully sick.
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123. Oh, I'm sure it's one of a dozen
common childhood illnesses
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124. that we see here every day.
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125. Now, let's take a
look-see, shall we?
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126. Look this way.
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127. Whoa. Coming around.
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128. - Yoiks!
- "Yoiks"?
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129. Medical term meaning no need to
worry, I have everything under control.
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130. Let's take a listen.
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131. Ooh!
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132. Oh.
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133. Ahem. I'll just
add that to the bill.
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134. - Doc, you know what it is?
- Of course I know what it is,
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135. but rest assured, even if
I didn't, I'm a professional.
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136. I'd never admit
it in front of you.
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137. You're a straight
shooter, doc. Yep. Like it.
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138. Would you step this way, please?
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139. - You going to talk about me?
- Only good things, my boy.
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140. Now, in my expert opinion,
Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair,
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141. your baby is going to need some
remarkably expensive medicine.
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142. Expensive?
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143. How much expensive?
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144. Well, I'll tell you, but
please keep in mind
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145. I went to school for many
years to be a great healer.
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146. So when I state
the actual figure,
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147. my voice will resonate with
such authority and confidence
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148. you'll instantly feel
you're doing the right thing.
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149. I instantly feel I'm
doing the right thing.
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150. One thousand dollars.
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151. One thousand dollars.
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152. Goodness, that's just
an awful lot of money.
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153. It's a miracle of the modern
age. We call it the blue medicine.
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154. He'll drink it tonight and be
better by morning... most likely.
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155. Are you sure it's going to work?
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156. It's blue.
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157. Don't spill any.
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158. How'd you get the big tightwad
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159. to part with all that money?
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160. Oh, it's easy to
criticize, isn't it, Ethyl,
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161. but I had a decision to make.
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162. My baby's health was at stake.
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163. And this medicine was the
only rational course of action.
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164. - You really believe that?
- I have to. I spent
a thousand bucks.
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165. In my day, you got sick,
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166. they took you to
the guy in the woods.
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167. Oh, here we go with
the guy in the woods.
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168. - Now there was a healer.
- Sure.
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169. He'd mix up some mud,
some roots, a little moss,
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170. fix you up in no time.
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171. - Ooh.
— And what did he charge?
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172. - What?
- Two beaver pelts
and a roast beef.
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173. Oh, yeah? What would he charge
to suture your mouth shut forever?
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174. Open up, sweetheart.
Here's your juice.
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175. Blue juice?
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176. It's a special kind
of yummy juice
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177. just for special little boys.
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178. All right, it's medicine.
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179. Not a chance!
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180. - Now, open up.
- Fran.
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181. You're not using
proper child psychology.
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182. Open. OK.
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183. - Oh.
- That should do it.
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184. How long does it take to work?
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185. Well, now, let me
see here. Um...
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186. About that long.
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187. Pretty effective stuff, I'd say.
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188. Can, uh, your guy in
the woods do that, Ethyl?
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189. With a glass of warm milk.
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190. The kid's just asleep.
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191. Shh! You'll wake him.
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192. You're absolutely
right, sweetheart.
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193. Let's be very quiet...
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194. Your attention, please.
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195. Ladies and gentlemen...
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196. I'm kidding. Ladies
and germs, a toast,
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197. to modern medicine.
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198. - Modern medicine.
- Whoa! What a kick.
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199. I feel like I could... Whoa!
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200. Hey! Good to see you.
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201. Nice to know you.
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202. This blue stuff is great.
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203. We're gonna need more glasses.
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204. There's my little megalosaurus.
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205. Daddy loves you,
and he proved it,
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206. by buying very expensive
medicine for you.
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207. No more being sick,
no more doctors,
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208. no more juice, no
more food, no more fun!
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209. We're gonna make you
wear tight, scratchy diapers
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210. then take you to a big,
scary department store
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211. and leave you there!
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212. Aah!
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213. Frannie, come and
take a look at the kid.
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214. I think he's feeling
a whole lot better.
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215. I don't know, Earl.
I'm not so sure.
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216. - And I'm also not the mama!
- And I'm not the papa!
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217. We ate your real
family for breakfast.
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218. And now we're gonna eat you!
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219. Don't eat the baby! Not the
real mama, not the mama!
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220. Just a hunch, Dad, but I don't
think the medicine worked.
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221. It is, too, working.
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222. It just has a small side effect
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223. where the patient
gets a lot worse.
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224. Charlene, take that rattle from
your brother before he hurts himself.
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225. I'll get it.
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226. Earl, maybe it wasn't enough.
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227. Maybe we need more medicine.
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228. More?
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229. Hello, the known world to Fran.
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230. We just spent every last
penny we had on the blue stuff.
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231. You only would've
been out a roast beef
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232. if you'd gone to the
guy in the woods.
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233. Nobody wants to hear
about your lunatic in the forest.
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234. Why don't you just
get back on the phone.
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235. It's worth $1.95 a minute
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236. not to have to listen to your
toothless yammering yap.
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237. You two stop! We
have a sick child.
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238. He's under a doctor's
care and we have to trust
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239. that the doctor
knows what he's doing.
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240. Go away!
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241. Is that so?
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242. Well, where's your precious doctor
now, Fran, when we need him most?
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243. - In the living room.
- Oh.
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244. What are you doing here?
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245. Just a routine house call.
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246. I like to check up
on all my patients.
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247. We gave the baby the
medicine just like you said
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248. and it didn't work at all.
We don't know what's wrong.
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249. Mr. Sinclair, I understand
you're distraught.
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250. I'm sorry if something
I might have said
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251. led you to believe
that the blue medicine
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252. was some sort of magical
overnight cure. It's not.
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253. This is.
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254. Wow. Orange.
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255. It's the most advanced
and complex color
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256. medical science has to offer.
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257. How much?
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258. Before I say...
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259. let me tell you
that this medicine...
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260. No, no, no! No resonating.
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261. That resonating cost
me a thousand bucks.
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262. Just write it down. Humph!
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263. I'm not falling for
that trick again.
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264. There.
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265. Thank you.
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266. Wow.
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267. Look at the penmanship.
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268. Fran, we need this much.
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269. That's even more
than the last time.
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270. Oh, Mrs. Sinclair,
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271. can you honestly put a price
tag on your child's health?
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272. - Well, you just did.
- Fran!
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273. Earl, I just don't know where we'll
possibly find this kind of money.
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274. Allow me to introduce
my assistant, Brock.
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275. How ya doin'?
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276. Brock will make
a full assessment
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277. of your home's
current market value
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278. and we can work from there.
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279. I said it was a house call.
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280. Are these original fixtures?
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281. Doctor, you're a healer.
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282. My child is desperately sick.
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283. Surely there's a way for
us to pay for this medicine
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284. without selling our house.
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285. - You got a boat?
- Oh, no, Fran!
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286. We won't be able to afford
this. Now I have to buy a boat!
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287. Doctor, could you excuse
us for a few moments?
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288. Oh, of course.
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289. Any medical decision like this
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290. has to be weighed carefully.
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291. We'll be under the house
checking the foundation.
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292. Earl, as much as I've
always put my faith
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293. in the integrity of all
medical professionals,
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294. I think this guy's a quack.
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295. Mom, Dad, you might want
to take a look at the baby.
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296. He's, uh, doing something.
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297. Cold! Cold!
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298. La, la. Here you go.
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299. No, no, no! Hot! Hot!
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300. - Hot! Sweaty hot!
- What do you want?
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301. - Thirsty. Dying of thirst.
- Oh. Uh...
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302. Say "aah."
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303. Better?
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304. Big mistake!
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305. - Coming up!
- Oh, oh. Open.
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306. Disgustorama!
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307. He's not getting any
better, Fran. Sell the house.
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308. We're not selling the house to
buy medicine that doesn't work.
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309. But the medicine that
doesn't work is our only hope!
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310. - I don't trust the doctor.
- Why?
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311. Just because everything he said
has been wrong? Fran, our baby is sick.
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312. And if we can't make him better,
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313. and the doctor can't
make him better,
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314. then what other alternative do
we have on this entire planet?
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315. I don't know if I
mentioned this before,
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316. but there's this
guy in the woods.
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317. This is it.
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318. The ritual healing ground.
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319. There's magic here,
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320. something in the air.
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321. It's a hot day.
The beef's rotting.
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322. I hope we find this guy soon.
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323. That's the sacred
tree, right over there.
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324. You're supposed to pound
on it three times, lard brain.
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325. - Oh.
- You the 5:30?
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326. Uh, no. Actually, we
don't have an appointment.
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327. Look, just because
this is a tree
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328. doesn't mean you can
show up any time you want to.
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329. This is a professional
medical facility.
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330. Why don't you go have a
seat on the log? Oh, jeez!
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331. Thank you.
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332. Jeez.
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333. We're at the
doctor's, little guy.
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334. How are you holding up?
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335. Daddy, I love you.
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336. Fran, he's delirious.
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337. You're my favorite, Daddy.
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338. Oh, no, we're losing him!
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339. I am Zabar, the
guy in the woods.
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340. You have traveled many
miles, through great...
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341. Eh...
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342. On the word "wisdom."
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343. You have traveled many
miles, through great wilderness,
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344. to seek my wisdom.
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345. See? Better.
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346. Heh. I will now
examine... the roast beef.
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347. He's a pro.
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348. Yeah.
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349. Lean. Very nice.
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350. OK. Let me see the child.
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351. Hmm. I recognize the
young one's ailment.
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352. It is serious. There
is only one cure.
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353. What color is it and
how much does it cost?
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354. Fortunately it is simple,
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355. widely available,
and costs nothing.
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356. To rid the child's body of
the wicked contaminant,
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357. he must eat moldy bread.
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358. - Moldy bread, huh?
- Uh-huh.
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359. No wonder you practice
in the woods... you freak!
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360. Come on, Fran, turn
that thing around. Let's go.
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361. Give him a chance.
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362. He knows what he's doing.
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363. Earl, we've come this
far. Let's not give up yet.
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364. Oh, Fran, I just want
my baby to get well,
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365. but all these medical guys
are telling me different things,
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366. - and I don't trust any of 'em.
- Do you trust me, Earl?
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367. Then I think we
should let Zabar try.
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368. All right.
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369. But don't you dare hurt my son.
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370. Well, I've never lost one yet.
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371. Now, open the child's mouth
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372. so that I may administer
the moldy bread.
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373. - No, not sick anymore! Feeling better!
- Come on, eat the bread, kid.
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374. Huh?
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375. Yuck! That stuff stinks!
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376. Sickness begone!
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377. Zabar, the guy in the
woods, commands it.
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378. Commands it!
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379. Wisdom?
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380. Oh! Moldy bread?
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381. - I hate moldy bread!
- Yeah, let's get out of here.
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382. What do you mean? We got
a good infection going here.
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383. Oh, get over it. There's
lots of other places to go.
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384. Oh... Abandon ship!
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385. Ah... Ah-choo!
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386. Behold! The child is cured.
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387. Look! The spots, they're gone.
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388. He's back to normal.
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389. Wait. I'll be the judge of that.
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390. Do you happen to have
a frying pan on you?
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391. I do.
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392. - Oh.
- Wow. Thanks.
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393. Here, son.
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394. Now, are you all right?
Do you know who I am?
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395. - Ow!
- Not the mama!
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396. It's so good to have our
little boy back, isn't it, Earl?
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397. It sure is.
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398. And I guess I owe a
big debt of gratitude
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399. to you, Fran, for
not losing hope.
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400. And to Zabar there
for saving the kid's life.
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401. - Don't mention it.
- And...
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402. that's it.
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403. Anything you have to say to me,
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404. you ungrateful sack of fat?
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405. Earl, I think Mother showed us
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406. she makes an important
contribution to our family.
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407. She just saved our child's life.
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408. OK. Appreciate it.
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409. - Earl.
— I didn't do it for you.
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410. - I like the kid.
- And I like him too.
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411. And he likes you.
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412. And he doesn't feel like you're a
burden to have around the house
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413. and he won't complain to his
wife about your long-distance calls
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414. to your millions of
deadbeat relatives.
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415. Apology accepted.
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416. It wasn't an apology.
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417. - Oh, of course it was.
- It was not.
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418. - Was so.
- Hey, listen, Ethyl,
don't get sick,
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419. 'cause if you do, I swear
I'm taking you to a doctor.
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420. Don't threaten me, fat boy.
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421. It's not a threat,
it's a promise.
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