1. - I'll raise you a buck.
- Hmm.
Copy !req
2. I'll see you,
Copy !req
3. and I'll raise you a suck toy.
Copy !req
4. Ah. Must have a
pretty good hand.
Copy !req
5. - Maybe.
- I know you.
Copy !req
6. Whenever you squinch up your
nose like that, you're bluffing.
Copy !req
7. I'm not bluffing, I'm pooping.
Copy !req
8. And I thought my hand stunk.
Copy !req
9. Mom, Dad, guess what's
happening on Saturday night.
Copy !req
10. Just a minute, sweetheart.
Copy !req
11. Mother, I don't think teaching
the baby how to play poker
Copy !req
12. - is such a good thing.
- Oh, lighten up, Fran.
Copy !req
13. He's just a kid. He doesn't
know what he's doing.
Copy !req
14. OK, my deal. Five card draw,
Copy !req
15. Jacks or better to
open, trips to win.
Copy !req
16. Did you hear
that? He's a genius.
Copy !req
17. - Earl, don't encourage him.
- Uh, excuse me.
Copy !req
18. But there's gonna be a big talent
show at school this Saturday night.
Copy !req
19. I'm sorry, what's
happening Saturday?
Copy !req
20. I'll tell you what's happening.
Copy !req
21. I am taking this little pink
shark to my poker game.
Copy !req
22. Talent like this is a
rare and divine gift,
Copy !req
23. and we're gonna
milk it like a Guernsey.
Copy !req
24. Well, interestingly enough, the
baby isn't the only one with talent.
Copy !req
25. - Everyone's gonna
find out Saturday.
- What are you gonna do, honey?
Copy !req
26. - Well,
since you asked, I'm...
- So...
Copy !req
27. You guys ready for
some outrageous news?
Copy !req
28. Well, if you don't mind,
Copy !req
29. we are discussing my life here.
Copy !req
30. Sounds fascinating.
Copy !req
31. So, guess who won first place
Copy !req
32. for writing the best essay
for the school journal.
Copy !req
33. - Oh, my!
- But, but, I...
Copy !req
34. "For excellence in
scholastic achievement."
Copy !req
35. Yeah, so what'd you win?
Some idiotic scholarship?
Copy !req
36. - Nah...
- Mom, Dad, um,
Copy !req
37. the talent show, remember?
Copy !req
38. - Ta-da!
- Whoa! Meat! You won meat!
Copy !req
39. - Wow.
- Meat?
Copy !req
40. I'm so proud!
Copy !req
41. Yeah, it was sponsored
by the butchers' association.
Copy !req
42. A thousand words on the
theme, "Freedom's entrée".
Copy !req
43. - Oh, Robbie,
this is so wonderful.
- Yeah, but...
Copy !req
44. - We should celebrate.
- And what better way
Copy !req
45. than to take this impressive
trophy and toss it on the grill.
Copy !req
46. Doesn't anyone care
what I have to say?
Copy !req
47. You didn't by chance happen
to win any onions, did you?
Copy !req
48. - Oh, Dad.
- Apparently not.
Copy !req
49. Look, Mama, I drew
to an inside straight.
Copy !req
50. Baby's first straight.
Copy !req
51. Fran, get the camera.
Copy !req
52. Bye.
Copy !req
53. Well, I can do lots of things.
Copy !req
54. Come on, Char, this is your
best friend you're talking to.
Copy !req
55. Oh. OK. I could, uh...
Copy !req
56. I could coordinate
a fall wardrobe.
Copy !req
57. Eh... Oh, who am I kidding?
Copy !req
58. I should just run
away and join a circus.
Copy !req
59. No, I think they
require talent too.
Copy !req
60. Yeah.
Copy !req
61. Gee, Charlene, you
don't have to cry about it.
Copy !req
62. That's not me. I'm not crying.
Copy !req
63. - Well, someone is.
- Hey.
Copy !req
64. Hey, listen. It's
coming from over there.
Copy !req
65. Oh.
Copy !req
66. Mindy, it's... It's a caveling.
Copy !req
67. Oh...
Copy !req
68. Honey, I'm home.
Copy !req
69. Aaah!
Copy !req
70. - Ohh!
- Ow!
Copy !req
71. - Ow!
- Ooh!
Copy !req
72. Aah!
Copy !req
73. Now... Now, now easy, fella.
Copy !req
74. It's OK. No, I'm
not gonna hurt you.
Copy !req
75. I just wanna help, OK?
Copy !req
76. Nice and easy.
Copy !req
77. There we go.
Copy !req
78. Ah, there you go.
You're free. Now...
Copy !req
79. Go on. Shoo.
Copy !req
80. Ha.
Copy !req
81. Oh, look! There's more of them.
Copy !req
82. Shoo.
Copy !req
83. No, no. You don't get
it. You know, leave.
Copy !req
84. Wow. Ha! Look, Mindy, they
follow every move I make.
Copy !req
85. Great. You can teach an
aerobics class. Can we go, please?
Copy !req
86. I bet I could teach
them a lot of cool tricks.
Copy !req
87. You know, this could be my
act for the school talent show.
Copy !req
88. Charlene, they're
just dumb humans.
Copy !req
89. For the talent show,
you gotta be good.
Copy !req
90. You can't just get up
there and do anything.
Copy !req
91. Thank you, Spike, for showing
us all how to hotwire a car.
Copy !req
92. It was informative
and felonious.
Copy !req
93. Don't mention it.
Copy !req
94. Hmm.
Copy !req
95. Next up is, uh...
Robert Sinclair,
Copy !req
96. with a folk/left wing/
Copy !req
97. environmentally
correct love song.
Copy !req
98. Oh, dear.
Copy !req
99. - Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
Copy !req
100. Come on. Ow!
Copy !req
101. Oh, it's a tough crowd. You
might as well hang it up right now.
Copy !req
102. Hey, just because you didn't
win doesn't mean the night is over.
Copy !req
103. Well, the night's over. Robbie
didn't win. Let's head home.
Copy !req
104. What about me? I mean, I
haven't even gone on yet.
Copy !req
105. She's right, Earl. We should
stay and watch Charlene's act.
Copy !req
106. A bunch of smelly humans standing
on one foot, scratching their butts?
Copy !req
107. Yeah, that's a
real crowd-pleaser.
Copy !req
108. And now, Charlene Sinclair
and her interesting little bipeds.
Copy !req
109. I hope they've had their shots.
Copy !req
110. Hi.
Copy !req
111. And up.
Copy !req
112. Whee.
Copy !req
113. Jump. Hup!
Copy !req
114. And up.
Copy !req
115. Yeah.
Copy !req
116. Oh.
Copy !req
117. And... up.
Copy !req
118. Up.
Copy !req
119. And over.
Copy !req
120. Hey. Ta-da!
Copy !req
121. Wow!
Copy !req
122. Good.
Copy !req
123. Hey!
Copy !req
124. Hey! Ha ha!
Copy !req
125. And the winner is...
Charlene Sinclair.
Copy !req
126. Yeah!
Copy !req
127. Thank you. Shoo.
Shoo. Come on, let's go.
Copy !req
128. - Very good.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
129. Sweetheart, you were wonderful!
Copy !req
130. I won! Can you
believe it? I won!
Copy !req
131. I had no idea you
were so talented.
Copy !req
132. You are my new favorite child.
Copy !req
133. - Daddy!
- What? Hey, what about me?
Copy !req
134. Now, Robbie. Charlene's success
doesn't take anything away from you.
Copy !req
135. How would you like
Robbie's room? It's bigger.
Copy !req
136. Hey, I don't see what everybody's
making such a big deal about.
Copy !req
137. The humans did all the work.
Copy !req
138. She just stood there
with a stick, saying "hup".
Copy !req
139. - Where's that girl
with the stick?
- Me?
Copy !req
140. There she is! Kid, I know
talent, and believe me, you got it.
Copy !req
141. - Yeah?
- I love the way
you say "hup."
Copy !req
142. Go ahead. Say it.
Copy !req
143. - Hup.
- Oh, fabulous! I love it!
Copy !req
144. - Makes me wanna jump.
- Who are you?
Copy !req
145. Hank Hilber, booking
agent extraordinaire.
Copy !req
146. - Oh, wow.
- Oh.
Copy !req
147. Little lady, you and I
have a lot to talk about.
Copy !req
148. Another... A pair
of teeth, Mr. Hilber?
Copy !req
149. Thanks. I gotta tell you,
Copy !req
150. your little girl here
has a one-of-a-kind act.
Copy !req
151. And there's no reason Charlene
and her amazing humans
Copy !req
152. - can't go straight
to the top.
- Oh.
Copy !req
153. - You mean?
- That's right. The state fair.
Copy !req
154. - Ha ha!
- Wow!
Copy !req
155. "Charlene and her
amazing humans."
Copy !req
156. I like it.
Copy !req
157. Excuse me, but I fail to
see what's so special about
Copy !req
158. a bunch of dirty forest animals
jumping all over each other.
Copy !req
159. - I am not.
- Yes, you are.
Copy !req
160. - Look, you're green.
- I'm always green.
Copy !req
161. - Yeah.
- So, what do you say,
Charlene?
Copy !req
162. - The fair's tomorrow.
- Well, uh...
Copy !req
163. Well, you see, Mr. Hilber,
the cavelings are kind of tired,
Copy !req
164. and I was gonna let
'em rest tomorrow.
Copy !req
165. A state fair.
Copy !req
166. I haven't been to
one of those in years.
Copy !req
167. - Ah.
- Cotton candy,
hot rat on a stick,
Copy !req
168. porta-potties. I'm in heaven.
Copy !req
169. Well...
Copy !req
170. I guess, uh, a little more
exercise wouldn't hurt them.
Copy !req
171. OK. I'll do it.
Copy !req
172. That a girl.
Copy !req
173. Yeah. Ah...
Copy !req
174. Look, I know you're tired, and I
know I promised you could play today,
Copy !req
175. but we've got this fair thing.
Copy !req
176. So, guys, we'll just do
one more show. OK?
Copy !req
177. OK.
Copy !req
178. What do you mean, "we"?
We're doing all the work, fatso!
Copy !req
179. - Ha!
- What?
Copy !req
180. Do you know what
your problem is?
Copy !req
181. You are so incredibly jealous
Copy !req
182. that Mom and Dad are finally
noticing me that you can't stand it.
Copy !req
183. Ooh. Charlene and
her amazing ego.
Copy !req
184. Well, listen, quill brain,
Copy !req
185. what I do requires an
incredible amount of work.
Copy !req
186. - Oh, right. I forgot,
"hup, hup, hup."
- Hey, what about...
Copy !req
187. Huh? Hey.
Copy !req
188. Do you think...?
Copy !req
189. - I bet that's their mother.
- Um, well, how do you know?
Copy !req
190. I mean, the woods are
crawling with cave people.
Copy !req
191. She could be anybody.
Copy !req
192. Charlene, it's showtime.
Copy !req
193. So, is my talented daughter
ready to go to the fair?
Copy !req
194. Those lines for the porta-potties
aren't getting any shorter.
Copy !req
195. Uh...
Copy !req
196. Mmm?
Copy !req
197. I'm ready, Daddy.
Copy !req
198. Good.
Copy !req
199. You can stare all you want,
you're not getting any beer.
Copy !req
200. You're thirsty?
Go hit the toilet.
Copy !req
201. Hey! Wha...? Oh, jeez.
Copy !req
202. Hey, you know...
Copy !req
203. for a filthy, disgusting,
godforsaken creature,
Copy !req
204. you're pretty cute.
Copy !req
205. Oh. OK, now you're shedding.
Copy !req
206. Cute only buys so
much. Go on, scram.
Copy !req
207. Listen, kid, stop
beating yourself up.
Copy !req
208. You were terrific
yesterday at the fair.
Copy !req
209. Yeah, but I only
came in second place.
Copy !req
210. Hey, who knew someone would
bring in a two-headed goat that sings?
Copy !req
211. I'm still convinced that
left head was lip-synching.
Copy !req
212. Yeah. Hmm. What
do you think, Daddy?
Copy !req
213. Hmm? Well, I gotta
go with the judges.
Copy !req
214. I've seen your act twice
now, and quite frankly, honey...
Copy !req
215. - It's startin' to get
a little old.
- Oh.
Copy !req
216. Say, Hank, do you know if
that goat's got an album out?
Copy !req
217. Daddy.
Copy !req
218. - See, kid? That's your public.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
219. You gotta spice up the act.
Give the audience what they want.
Copy !req
220. - Thrills. Excitement.
- Multiple heads.
Copy !req
221. Now, you've got your cavelings
jumping through hoops already.
Copy !req
222. So, I'm thinking...
Copy !req
223. Set the hoops on fire.
Copy !req
224. Ooh. Fire. Nifty.
Copy !req
225. - Fire?
- Listen to your
audience, Charlene.
Copy !req
226. - Yeah. But, couldn't
they get burned?
- Aha!
Copy !req
227. That's the question
the audience will ask.
Copy !req
228. Hey, couldn't they get burned?
Copy !req
229. See? They're on the
edge of their seats.
Copy !req
230. Well, I don't know.
Copy !req
231. I mean, training them
to do a trick like that,
Copy !req
232. it's gonna take an
awful lot of cookies.
Copy !req
233. Well, that's your problem.
You're feeding them.
Copy !req
234. - Try not feeding them.
- Huh?
Copy !req
235. You'll be amazed the
tricks they'll do for a cookie,
Copy !req
236. if they're hungry.
Copy !req
237. Oh.
Copy !req
238. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Come on, come on, come on!
Copy !req
239. Ah...
Copy !req
240. Uh-uh. My banana.
Copy !req
241. No way! Mama!
Copy !req
242. - What?
- They want my banana!
Copy !req
243. Well, don't give
them any, sweetheart.
Copy !req
244. Charlene said they shouldn't
eat, they're in training.
Copy !req
245. No food?
Copy !req
246. No food.
Copy !req
247. That stinks.
Copy !req
248. Hmm.
Copy !req
249. Shh. Quiet.
Copy !req
250. Go for it!
Copy !req
251. Share it. Share it.
Copy !req
252. Aw...
Copy !req
253. Wow. Jeez. You guys act
like you haven't eaten in days.
Copy !req
254. Doesn't anybody ever feed you?
Copy !req
255. Me. Banana.
Copy !req
256. Oh. Well, we'll see about that.
Copy !req
257. Oh. Yeah.
Copy !req
258. Here you go.
Copy !req
259. What do you think you're doing?
Copy !req
260. Well, they were hungry. I was
giving them something to eat.
Copy !req
261. - If that's OK with you.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
262. No, it's not OK with me.
Copy !req
263. If you understood anything
about training animals,
Copy !req
264. you'd know you have to withhold
food to get them to perform.
Copy !req
265. You're starving them
so they'll do stupid tricks?
Copy !req
266. - That's the worst thing
I've heard of!
- Why don't you just say it?
Copy !req
267. You're still jealous 'cause
I'm getting all the attention.
Copy !req
268. I'll admit I was a
little jealous before.
Copy !req
269. This is getting out of hand.
These cavelings are not your toys.
Copy !req
270. They're hungry and unhappy.
They should be with their mother,
Copy !req
271. not jumping through fire
so you can look like a star.
Copy !req
272. Yeah! Uh-oh.
Copy !req
273. Well, it shows how
much you know.
Copy !req
274. This has nothing to
do with being a star.
Copy !req
275. I'm Mortie Troutman, and
it's time to "Leap To The Stars"
Copy !req
276. Thank you. Thank you very
much. Nice to be here, folks.
Copy !req
277. Oh, and boy, have we got
an exciting show for you!
Copy !req
278. We've got a 71-year-old
belly dancer...
Copy !req
279. Boy, have I got
butterflies in my stomach!
Copy !req
280. Me too. I've never had an
act that went this far before.
Copy !req
281. And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
Copy !req
282. Let's see what lucky talent is
ready to "Leap To The Stars"!
Copy !req
283. Our first act is...
Copy !req
284. Charlene and her amazing humans.
Copy !req
285. And... up!
Copy !req
286. Yeah.
Copy !req
287. Ah!
Copy !req
288. And, ah!
Copy !req
289. And, yep!
Copy !req
290. Ahh!
Copy !req
291. Not very good.
Copy !req
292. I wanna see the puppet show.
Copy !req
293. And... ready?
Copy !req
294. And... Hup!
Copy !req
295. Yeah! Ta-da!
Copy !req
296. Hee hee.
Copy !req
297. - Seen it.
- Not impressed.
Copy !req
298. Uh, uh... Oh. Uh...
Copy !req
299. I don't understand.
Copy !req
300. You said the fire trick
would knock their socks off.
Copy !req
301. You're gonna have
to do... the ladder trick.
Copy !req
302. Oh. The ladder trick? But, I...
Copy !req
303. - I don't wanna make them...
- Come on, kid.
Copy !req
304. Your parents are watching.
You want to impress them or not?
Copy !req
305. Well... Yeah. I...
Copy !req
306. For our last trick, we will be
performing a very dangerous stunt
Copy !req
307. that has never been done before.
Copy !req
308. Here, on this stage,
a human being
Copy !req
309. will climb to the top
of this 50-foot ladder,
Copy !req
310. and dive into this
plastic kiddie pool
Copy !req
311. filled with...
very little water.
Copy !req
312. OK. Here we go.
Copy !req
313. And... up!
Copy !req
314. Yeah. Ha ha.
Copy !req
315. Come on, up.
Copy !req
316. Um...
Copy !req
317. What?
Copy !req
318. Why did she stop? She stopped.
Copy !req
319. Ooh.
Copy !req
320. And up!
Copy !req
321. Go up!
Copy !req
322. Go on up!
Copy !req
323. Please! Please! This
is a very difficult trick.
Copy !req
324. It requires a high
degree of concentration.
Copy !req
325. Please, show the
performer some respect.
Copy !req
326. - Take off your top!
- What? Oh...
Copy !req
327. Uh, uh...
Copy !req
328. Look, look, I promise it's the
last trick I'll ever make you do.
Copy !req
329. Uh, I'll give you a cookie
as soon as you're done.
Copy !req
330. I'll give you ten cookies.
Please, just get up there!
Copy !req
331. Please?
Copy !req
332. Kiddo, here, use this.
Copy !req
333. - Here.
- What is it?
Copy !req
334. - A cattle prod.
- Huh?
Copy !req
335. Oh.
Copy !req
336. Just give the fur ball
a little zap in the tush,
Copy !req
337. that'll make 'em
leap for the stars.
Copy !req
338. But... But I don't
want to hurt it.
Copy !req
339. Oh, they're humans.
They have no feelings.
Copy !req
340. Now, zap her and get on with it.
Copy !req
341. I'm sorry. I can't.
Copy !req
342. Well, if you won't, I will.
Copy !req
343. No, no, no. You stop!
You leave it alone.
Copy !req
344. Look, kid, you wanna succeed in
show business, it takes sacrifice.
Copy !req
345. Not necessarily your
sacrifice, it could be theirs.
Copy !req
346. Somebody's gotta suffer.
Copy !req
347. Well, I just can't.
Copy !req
348. Oh, great! This
is the thanks I get.
Copy !req
349. I was dedicated to you,
kid. You, and only you.
Copy !req
350. Oh, I'll never get over this.
Copy !req
351. Mortie, have I showed
you this kid I got?
Copy !req
352. Bites the heads off chickens.
I know what you're thinkin'...
Copy !req
353. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
354. Please, please. Look...
Copy !req
355. I know that you
think I'm a quitter,
Copy !req
356. and maybe I am.
Copy !req
357. But nothing can justify
hurting another living thing.
Copy !req
358. Not fame, not fortune.
Copy !req
359. Not even a chance to be
someone special in your own family.
Copy !req
360. Earl, I think we've done
something wrong here.
Copy !req
361. I agree.
Copy !req
362. - Back to the ballgame.
- Earl!
Copy !req
363. I know you all came here
tonight to have a good time.
Copy !req
364. But stop for a moment, and
ask yourself this question.
Copy !req
365. Are you willing
to trade the pain
Copy !req
366. and suffering of these,
your fellow creatures,
Copy !req
367. for a few fleeting moments of
cheap, unethical entertainment?
Copy !req
368. - Yes!
- Well, I'm not!
Copy !req
369. Oh!
Copy !req
370. - Boo! Get 'em off!
- It's all right.
Copy !req
371. We want the goat!
We want the goat!
Copy !req
372. We want the goat!
Copy !req
373. There we go. Come on out.
Copy !req
374. That's it.
Copy !req
375. Well, guys, this is it.
Copy !req
376. It's the end of the
road. I'm letting you go.
Copy !req
377. But I just want you
to know, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
378. Do you understand? I'm sorry.
Copy !req
379. Oh. Oh, no. No.
Copy !req
380. You don't understand, no.
Copy !req
381. No, no, you don't have
to do tricks anymore.
Copy !req
382. I guess you taught
'em pretty well.
Copy !req
383. - Look, I'm trying
to let them go, OK.
- Oh, yeah, I know.
Copy !req
384. I saw what you said
on TV. That took guts.
Copy !req
385. - Oh, thanks for noticing.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
386. Well, now that I'm
setting my act free,
Copy !req
387. no one's ever gonna
notice me again.
Copy !req
388. I can go back to my old act.
Copy !req
389. Charlene, the amazing,
invisible middle child.
Copy !req
390. Charlene, you're not invisible.
Copy !req
391. - Well, it sure seems that way?
- Is that what you thought?
Copy !req
392. That you needed
to put on a big show
Copy !req
393. to get your father
and me to notice you?
Copy !req
394. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
395. - What?
- Oh!
Copy !req
396. Oh! Um...
Copy !req
397. Sweetheart, you don't need to put on
a big show just to get me to love you.
Copy !req
398. - No?
- No, a little revue
would be plenty.
Copy !req
399. - Oh...
- What your father
is trying to say is
Copy !req
400. that sometimes it's hard
when you have three children
Copy !req
401. to give each of them the
attention and love they deserve.
Copy !req
402. - Yeah.
- But we'll try harder.
Copy !req
403. - Huh?
- What?
Copy !req
404. Hey, look, they found their mom.
Copy !req
405. Or their dad. How can you tell?
Copy !req
406. You watch out for traps, OK?
Copy !req
407. Yeah. That's right. Shoo.
Copy !req
408. - Bye.
- Bye.
Copy !req
409. - You did the right thing.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
410. They're back among their own
kind now, where they belong.
Copy !req
411. - Yeah.
- Safe in the wilderness
Copy !req
412. where no one can ever find them.
Copy !req
413. No one can ever hurt them.
Copy !req
414. Now, in exchange for my theatrical
representation of your children,
Copy !req
415. I will, of course, require 40...
Copy !req
416. Eh, 50 percent of
all gross earnings.
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417. This will cover all public
performances, theme park appearances,
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418. mini-series and boat
shows, you understand?
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419. Good.
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420. Now, let's get into
merchandising.
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421. Should any of your children be
made into a plush toy, action figure...
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