Dinosaurs 2x4

1. Honey, I'm home.

2. Good morning, Pangaea!

3. Good morning.

4. Good morning. It's Wednesday,

5. September 20, 60,000,003 B.C.

6. Coming up, Godzilla will be stopping by

7. with a clip from his new blockbuster.

8. Well, OK. He's here.

9. But first, a look at the weather where you are.

10. Yay!

11. As you can see,

12. we've got ourselves an active super-continent this morning.

13. In the north, violent volcanoes,

14. including one particularly big boomer

15. that ought to rip the Tigris-Euphrates Valley wide open.

16. So if you've got relatives there,

17. kiss 'em goodbye.

18. Connie, Rex, back to you.

19. Thanks, Dr. Doug.

20. Good morning, my family who loves me.

21. Not the Mama.

22. All right. That ends right now.

23. I've had it with this "Not the Mama."

24. I am not "Not the Mama", I'm your daddy,

25. and you only get one, Buster.

26. And that's what you'll call me: Daddy.

27. Now say "Daddy."

28. Say "Daddy"!

29. OK. All right. All right.

30. Say "Dah."

31. Dah.

32. Say "Dee."

33. Dee.

34. Dah...

35. Dah...

36. Dee.

37. Dee.

38. Dahdee.

39. Dahdee.

40. Franny!

41. - Dahdee! - Fran!

42. Dahdee.

43. He loves me. Listen.

44. Dahdee, Dahdee!

45. Not the Mama!

46. I'm not going to school today.

47. Don't you feel all right, sweetheart?

48. Oh, I feel fine. There's nothing wrong with me.

49. I'm just not leaving the house anymore. Are we clear?

50. Something bothering you there, Princess?

51. Nothing's bothering me.

52. I happen to be in a delightful mood.

53. Kiss the baby.

54. - Shut up! - Waahh!

55. - And cut that out. - Yes, ma'am.

56. Look, something's bothering you. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

57. Then you're the guy for the job.

58. Oh, everything's fine, Daddy.

59. And my life is not that simple

60. that you could put my deepest feelings into simple words.

61. Every girl in school's grown a tail except her.

62. Did I leave anything out... Stump?

63. Grrr!

64. Get him! Get him, Charlene!

65. Get him! Get him!

66. Ahh! Ahh! Mom! Mom!

67. Come on, kids, that's enough.

68. I give! I give! I give! Ow, ow, ow!

69. You snap his neck, you're gonna hear from me.

70. Mercy!

71. Oh, man!

72. I got spit on my neck.

73. Charlene, I was one of the last girls in my class to get my tail.

74. That didn't keep me from landing a wonderful guy

75. like your father.

76. It's not my tail.

77. I don't care about my tail!

78. Good, because no matter how long and gorgeous your tail is,

79. eventually it'll end up looking like this.

80. Jeez, Ethel. Put that thing away.

81. Ugh!

82. Why should I care that I'm the only girl I know

83. who still has her stupid, little stub?

84. Huh? Why should I get upset that that's all boys care about?

85. Oh, honey, you have to give the boys more credit.

86. They're not as shallow as all that.

87. And if you subscribe to Dinosaur Sports now,

88. you get all that sports action,

89. plus every guy's favorite,

90. the year-end tail issue.

91. That's not real. Real tails don't stand up like that.

92. What's so great about tails anyway?

93. Nothing.

94. Oh, you're all a bunch of pigs.

95. Earl, we have to talk to Charlene about her tail.

96. She's just a kid.

97. We don't have to talk about this for years.

98. Her friends are getting their tails and she's concerned...

99. Hey, I'm telling you, she doesn't care about her tail.

100. She's just a little girl. What is she? Seven?

101. She's 12, Earl.

102. Seven, 12: it's not her tail.

103. That would be a female problem.

104. She isn't a female yet, so she doesn't have a problem.

105. Which if she did, we wouldn't discuss it in front of the son.

106. Fine. I'll leave.

107. I'll go with you.

108. Come on, come on.

109. Come on, come on.

110. Yeah!

111. All right. Yeah.

112. Ooh.

113. Huh?

114. I love you.

115. And I love you.

116. Hey, hey!

117. Hey, cut that out.

118. I don't like my lunch

119. uh... fraternizing with each other.

120. Go away.

121. Whoa, whoa!

122. They didn't even know each other before I defrosted them.

123. Hey, hey. What have we here?

124. Hello, lady.

125. Well, I think it's time to take a dip in the secretarial pool.

126. Come on, Roy. I'm a married guy.

127. Hey, look at the tail on that one.

128. Lift it, don't drag it, sweetheart.

129. Hey, and look at that one.

130. You know, she looks a little like Charlene

131. if Charlene had a tail.

132. Hey, what did you do that for?

133. Gee, I don't know what came over me.

134. Oh, never mind, then.

135. Hey, hey, pally-boy.

136. I think that one over there likes me.

137. You mean the woolly one with tusks?

138. No. The one who looks like Charlene if she had a tail.

139. Hey! Earl...

140. I don't want to pry into your personal business,

141. but is something bothering you?

142. Not that I'm aware of.

143. Charlene?

144. Charlene, tail?

145. Hey!

146. Well, I thought I was on to something. Guess not.

147. Charlene is too young to have a tail.

148. She's just a little girl.

149. Not wanting to open a can of worms here,

150. but hasn't she been a little girl for about 12 years now?

151. So?

152. Well, sometimes a child grows up

153. and a father, who may not ordinarily be a sensitive type,

154. may have to suddenly get sensitive

155. to his little girl becoming a fully fledged adult... tomato.

156. Tomato?

157. Who are you talking about?

158. Uh, someone else entirely.

159. Gee, John, we both work in the same bookstore,

160. but you sell so many more books than I do.

161. I used to have trouble selling books,

162. - until I read this. - Ah!

163. Dino-Netics; The Science Of Selling Books.

164. Pangaea's watching ABC,

165. the Antediluvian Broadcasting Company.

166. Coming this fall on ABC...

167. He's a big-city dinosaur detective

168. who leaps through time to adopt seven interracial children.

169. She's a ghost with seven interracial ghost children.

170. Now they're all moving to the country

171. to become district attorneys.

172. Watch the sparks fly when Mother moves in.

173. It's all... Way Too Complicated!

174. Wednesdays at 8:00.

175. Whoa!

176. Jeez, more of the same.

177. Mother, you're still mad at them

178. for canceling Thirtymillionsomething.

179. I'm home!

180. Hi, Daddy.

181. Oh, hi, Princess.

182. Upstairs playing with your dolls?

183. Um... Yeah, sure.

184. Uh, Daddy, did anything come in the mail for me? Hmm?

185. Oh, well, I don't know. Let me check.

186. OK. Water, uh...

187. gas, electric.

188. Sorry, honey.

189. Oh, wait a minute.

190. Oh, lookee here.

191. "To Charlene Sinclair,

192. from the Junior Miss Prosthetics Company."

193. OK.

194. Here you go.

195. Thank you.

196. Hey, what is it?

197. Uh... doll house.

198. Nice.

199. "Tomato."

200. Hello, there, my family who loves me.

201. So, Robbie, you got any big weekend plans?

202. I'm was thinking of taking Connie DeSalvo out,

203. but I don't have the money to take her anywhere good.

204. How much?

205. Oh, well, a dinner that was 10 bucks nicer

206. would increase my chances of a good-night kiss.

207. Here you go, Son. Money well spent.

208. Earl Snead Sinclair.

209. Oh, Fran, he's just a young fella sowing his wild oats.

210. He's come for a little sowing assistance,

211. and I'm glad to give it to him.

212. I'll take care of the son, and you take care of the...

213. Ahh.

214. Oh, Charlene!

215. Isn't it just the most lovely night outside?

216. Charlene, you look very nice tonight,

217. but I can't help thinking there's something different about you.

218. Hey, Charlene, you got something stuck to your butt.

219. - Oh, wow... - Leave me alone!

220. Oh, I'm sorry.

221. Should I get my staple gun?

222. - Robbie! Robbie, give it to me! - Robbie, give me my...

223. Robbie go to your room.

224. Go on, Son.

225. Charlene, would you like to talk about this

226. with your father and me?

227. No.

228. Ah, gee, too bad.

229. Let's go, Junior. Let's go fast. Let's go.

230. Aw, Charlene, don't you think you're being ridiculous?

231. But I want a tail.

232. Look, sweetheart, when you really stop to think about it,

233. is a tail really that important?

234. Yes.

235. Who says so?

236. Well, the world.

237. Magazines,

238. movies, television.

239. Charlene, the tail on your backside is not as important

240. as the head on your shoulders,

241. and you've got a good one.

242. I'm surprised at you for not using it.

243. Mom, you said you were the last in your class to get your tail.

244. How did you handle it?

245. Oh, well, that was a long time ago.

246. I'm sure I handled it with grace and dignity.

247. She tried to throw herself off the roof.

248. Mother!

249. Of course, she weighed 2,800 pounds,

250. so the roof collapsed.

251. She fell right through onto Grandpa Louie,

252. who was cleaning his pipe at the time.

253. We never found the pipe,

254. but Grandpa Louie walked funny after that.

255. The point is,

256. your tail will come when it comes.

257. Until then, live each day to the fullest.

258. Make the most of every moment of your life.

259. OK.

260. Where are you going?

261. The roof.

262. So, the 10 bucks paid off after all.

263. That's my boy, that's my boy.

264. You love your caveman, don't you?

265. I love my caveman.

266. Oh!

267. Good morning, family.

268. Whoa!

269. Oh...

270. what'd you do, buy the variety pack?

271. You're wasting your time, Moronasaurus.

272. It's real!

273. Uh, real...

274. What? Oh, no, man! Oh, I touched my sister's tail!

275. Charlene, is it really...

276. Yes. It grew in last night.

277. Isn't it beautiful, Ma?

278. - Oh, I'm so happy for you. - Oh, Mom.

279. Oh, isn't it wonderful, Earl?

280. How long do you think it'll take the boys to notice I got my tail?

281. Oh, it's the boys!

282. It's the boys! Yay!

283. Our little girl's all grown up.

284. She's blossomed.

285. She's a tomato.

286. Whoa! So how am I doing?

287. - Do I look good? - You're doing fine.

288. Are you sure? 'Cause my date's gonna be here at 7:00.

289. I have to find my new center of gravity by then. Whoops.

290. The first rule of having a tail is,

291. be careful how you turn around.

292. Why?

293. Whee! Oof!

294. Ohh...

295. Again!

296. Charlene, stop.

297. - What? - Let me come to you.

298. So, Mom, when I walk, do I swing it back and forwards,

299. - or do I just let it drag? - Nice girls don't swing.

300. - So boys like that? - No.

301. They're crazy for it.

302. Mother.

303. I'm just telling her what's what.

304. And I'm telling her what's right.

305. You want her to be alone all her life?

306. Sweetheart...

307. just swing it a little until you get married,

308. then you can put it away.

309. OK.

310. - Hi. - Oh.

311. Hi, Daddy.

312. Yeah, yeah.

313. Hi, honey. We're just preparing Charlene for her first date.

314. - Any words of wisdom? - Date?

315. Daddy, do you think I should swing it or let it drag?

316. Because I want him to like me

317. but I don't want him to think I'm fast.

318. But I do want him to buy me dinner

319. but I don't want him to get any ideas.

320. So, Dad, you're a guy. What do you think? Swing? Drag? What?

321. Date?

322. Oh, that's for me.

323. They're all for me.

324. Again!

325. Oh, Earl.

326. Our little girl's going out on a date.

327. Why don't you put a knife in my head?

328. Mother, Father,

329. this is my date, Maurice.

330. Hello, Maurice.

331. Hello, Mrs. Sinclair.

332. Well, I can certainly see where Charlene gets her good looks.

333. Ohh.

334. And this is my daddy.

335. I want you to know your daughter's in good hands.

336. I'm sure.

337. Well, then, I guess we're off.

338. Wait, wait, wait. Where are you taking my little girl?

339. We're just going out for ribs.

340. Ribs? They deliver ribs. We could have ribs right here.

341. - Earl. - Why do you need to go out?

342. We think going out would be more fun.

343. Fun? You want fun? We got fun right here.

344. We got food, we got games.

345. Mom.

346. Earl, you go into the kitchen,

347. get on the phone and order some ribs.

348. - Mom! - Right away, Fran. My treat.

349. Maurice, your money's no good here.

350. But... But, Mom.

351. Shh!

352. Get out of here. Have a good time.

353. Oh, thanks, Mom.

354. You're a peach, Mrs. S.

355. Aw...

356. - Bye. - Bye-bye.

357. You're taller than my brother, aren't you?

358. - Oh, yeah. - I thought so.

359. I'm back! Mr. Fun!

360. And look, guys, I found the board games.

361. You see, Franny? This is what dating should be.

362. Parents and children.

363. Where are the children, Fran?

364. Oh!

365. Betrayed. Betrayed by the very ones I love.

366. First my daughter, who had the nerve to grow a tail

367. and take it out into the night.

368. And then my wife Franny, the queen betrayer.

369. She sent me into the other room to order ribs

370. while daughter decisions were being made.

371. And most of all Bruno,

372. who makes the skinniest ribs in the business.

373. I ate six buckets and I lost weight.

374. Ah, the refrigerator.

375. Always there for me.

376. Hey! Turn out that light!

377. Sorry.

378. Ahh.

379. Yo, look here, Chucky, just because you can't sleep,

380. doesn't mean you got to disturb me.

381. Uh... no, uh...

382. Then tuck me in.

383. Yeah.

384. Uh, yes, sir.

385. Take me out of the refrigerator at this hour,

386. I'll lose my space.

387. Hey! Kiss me good night!

388. Hmm? Oh.

389. And don't be putting me in no vegetable bin.

390. I wake up in the vegetables,

391. I'll come out and kick your flabby dinosaur butt

392. all up and down the super-continent!

393. You've been pacing the floors all night.

394. You! I'm not even talking to you!

395. You who uses ribs to manipulate others!

396. Earl, you knew Charlene was going to grow up someday.

397. This is not about her. I'm not thinking about her.

398. I'm not even worried about Charlene in the least.

399. Oh, Franny, yesterday she was my sweet little girl,

400. and today, she's Little Miss Look-What-I-Got.

401. And that frightens you.

402. Nothing frightens me, Fran.

403. I'm the mighty megalosaurus.

404. I am the king of all I survey!

405. Oh, Franny,

406. I don't know how to be the father

407. of a teenage female thing.

408. You're a wonderful father, Earl.

409. Yeah, I was a wonderful father

410. when they were little kids and sat on my lap,

411. but now they're not little kids anymore.

412. I don't have a lap to sit on anymore.

413. All I want is my little girl back, Fran.

414. I want her to still need me.

415. I want to hold her and read her stories.

416. Tell her I love her.

417. Where the hell have you been?

418. Hi, Daddy.

419. If you think I'm gonna pace these floors

420. for the rest of my life

421. worrying about you out there in the world, Little Missy,

422. you can forget it.

423. You are not going out on any more dates.

424. That's fine with me.

425. Then we're in complete agreement.

426. Yes, we are.

427. Why?

428. Well, because it was the most humiliating experience of my life.

429. Ohh...

430. What did he do to you?

431. He dumped me.

432. Is that what the kids are calling it now, Fran?

433. He met a girl with a tail that was bigger than mine

434. and he went off with her.

435. I walked all the way home.

436. Oh, well, sweetheart...

437. you know, in situations like this...

438. your mother is always right there and knows exactly what to say.

439. Honey.

440. Good night, Earl.

441. Mom?

442. Mom!

443. Charlene, why didn't you call me?

444. I'd have come to pick you up.

445. I thought if I walked home, you'd be asleep,

446. but you waited up.

447. Well, of course I waited up. What do you think?

448. I think if this is what happens,

449. I'm not going out on any more dates.

450. Oh, yes, you are.

451. What?

452. Look, you grow a tail,

453. and all of a sudden, guys start asking you out.

454. And you think these guys are the right guys to go out with?

455. Yeah. I do.

456. Well, you're wrong.

457. Daddy, nature gave me a tail.

458. Nature thinks I'm old enough to make the right decisions.

459. Is this the same nature that gave us volcanoes and earthquakes and human beings?

460. The same nature that turned you, overnight, from my little girl

461. into some female-walking-home-by-herself thing?

462. I don't think nature knows what it's doing.

463. What you need is something to protect you from nature.

464. You mean... like a father?

465. Well, actually, I was thinking more like a machine gun.

466. But I guess a father would do in a pinch.

467. And I'm going to tell you something.

468. This boy didn't dump you,

469. because he wasn't even dating you.

470. He just left your tail for another tail.

471. If he knew you, he never would have left you.

472. So, you're gonna look out for me, Daddy?

473. Well...

474. if you want me to.

475. I do want you to.

476. Hey, there's nothing I'd rather do, Charlene.

477. How'd I do, Fran?

478. Well, not the Mama, but...

479. you'll do in a pinch.