1. Honey, I'm home.Copy !req
2. Mother, there must
be more for you to doCopy !req
3. than sit around and
watch the grass grow.Copy !req
4. We're back with more
grass-growing action.Copy !req
5. What an exciting lawn this has
turned out to be, right, Arnie?Copy !req
6. You've got that right, Howard.Copy !req
7. We've been watching
this dichondra for four daysCopy !req
8. and have seen nearly
a quarter inch of growth.Copy !req
9. Oh and... I understandCopy !req
10. we're going back down
to the lawn right now.Copy !req
11. Let's watch.Copy !req
12. The weather's so nice, I
thought we'd go to the swamp.Copy !req
13. - Would you like to come?
- What for?Copy !req
14. The baby's gonna
play in the scum.Copy !req
15. - I've got my scum bucket.
- You and I can sun on a rock.Copy !req
16. No, it's too late in the day.Copy !req
17. All the good
rocks will be taken.Copy !req
18. Mother, live a little.Copy !req
19. A little is all I got left.Copy !req
20. I don't want to
waste it doing things.Copy !req
21. Hi, Grandma. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.Copy !req
22. Charlene? Why don't you do
something with your grandmother today?Copy !req
23. Ooh, gee. A tempting offer.Copy !req
24. And though it may
be hard to believe,Copy !req
25. I'm gonna have to pass.
Maybe another time, 'K?Copy !req
26. It's not a request.
It's an order.Copy !req
27. Oh, then I'd love to.Copy !req
28. Not.Copy !req
29. Hey, Grandma.Copy !req
30. What?Copy !req
31. You want to do something?Copy !req
32. You know, we
could, um... um... uh...Copy !req
33. Oh, uh... think.Copy !req
34. Oh... Uh, you could get
out the old photo album,Copy !req
35. and you could tell me all about
your friends who had operations,Copy !req
36. or we could do
something with yarn.Copy !req
37. No, I'm fine here.Copy !req
38. If I run out of things to do,Copy !req
39. I can always die.Copy !req
40. Uh! Ma. Uh, bye-bye.Copy !req
41. Mother, you're impossible.Copy !req
42. Hmm.Copy !req
43. Ice hockey!Copy !req
44. Yeah, there you go!Copy !req
45. - Earl?
- What?Copy !req
46. You're watching TV in here,Copy !req
47. and Mother's
watching TV in there.Copy !req
48. Wouldn't it be more fun if you
watched TV in the same room?Copy !req
49. Only if... the TV was
crushing her head.Copy !req
50. I'm just concerned that
she seems a little depressed.Copy !req
51. Would you check on
her once in a while?Copy !req
52. And when you see
her, say something nice.Copy !req
53. Hey, the game's starting.Copy !req
54. Yeah, fine, fine. I promise.Copy !req
55. Thank you.Copy !req
56. It's a beautiful
day at Lake Oldivy.Copy !req
57. Here comes the brontosaurus
team out on the ice.Copy !req
58. Ooh! And they're going
through the ice into the water.Copy !req
59. An unfortunate but all
too familiar turn of eventsCopy !req
60. for this large
accident-plagued teamCopy !req
61. of large, clumsy herbivores.Copy !req
62. Well, they're dead.Copy !req
63. Ohhh!Copy !req
64. Helicopters have arrived to tryCopy !req
65. to hoist this damp and
discouraged brontosaurus teamCopy !req
66. out of the freezing water.Copy !req
67. Munchy time.Copy !req
68. Hey, don't forget to
say something niceCopy !req
69. to the mother-in-law.Copy !req
70. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
71. How you doing there, Ethyl?Copy !req
72. Like I care.Copy !req
73. - Here's a beer!
- Yeah, have two!Copy !req
74. - Don't drive!
- Give me a brew. Thank you.Copy !req
75. So, Ethyl, what a lovely, um...Copy !req
76. Um... lovely, um...Copy !req
77. Blanket you've got
draped over your legs.Copy !req
78. You done with those?Copy !req
79. Thanks.Copy !req
80. Hey, you talk to
your mother-in-law?Copy !req
81. Yeah. You know, it was one
of the nicer chat we ever had.Copy !req
82. She wasn't obnoxious,Copy !req
83. she wasn't insulting,
she didn't hit me.Copy !req
84. Oh, my gosh, she's dead.Copy !req
85. Ethyl? Hello?Copy !req
86. Are you dead?Copy !req
87. Hey, hey, I got an idea.Copy !req
88. Ethyl?Copy !req
89. I've got half a mind
to eat a potato chip.Copy !req
90. I said I've got half a mind.Copy !req
91. Don't make me throw
my weight around.Copy !req
92. Yaah. Yeah.Copy !req
93. She must be dead.Copy !req
94. She could never resist the
chance to take a shot at me.Copy !req
95. I'd like to spit on your head.Copy !req
96. Uhh! Did you hear that?Copy !req
97. Uh! Uh!Copy !req
98. What do we do with her?Copy !req
99. Well, we could go watch
the game and just leave her.Copy !req
100. Yeah. She's definitely
non-corporeal.Copy !req
101. No.Copy !req
102. Ethyl, go towards the light.Copy !req
103. Go towards the light.Copy !req
104. I heard you the first time.Copy !req
105. I'm not deaf. I'm just dead.Copy !req
106. Toward the light, Ethyl.Copy !req
107. Ooh! What are you doing?Copy !req
108. Don't touch me!Copy !req
109. We are here to guide you.Copy !req
110. I don't know where
your hands have been.Copy !req
111. Light. Light.Copy !req
112. The light,Copy !req
113. it's so bright.Copy !req
114. Bright!Copy !req
115. Oh, gee, I'm sorry.Copy !req
116. Is this better?Copy !req
117. Boy, you've got
quite a layout here.Copy !req
118. Well, this is the afterlife.Copy !req
119. We have an image to maintain.Copy !req
120. I understand.Copy !req
121. Why don't I show you around?Copy !req
122. Mmm. Very nice.Copy !req
123. Over here is the Mar Vista Room,Copy !req
124. where we have our eternal
all-you-can-eat buffet.Copy !req
125. Is the fish fresh?Copy !req
126. Fresh? It's just been created.Copy !req
127. We buried her deep.Copy !req
128. A lot of folks would
have stopped at six feet.Copy !req
129. Yeah, well, a lot of folks'
hearts aren't really into it.Copy !req
130. Experts do say
cardiovascular activityCopy !req
131. does produce a natural
sense of euphoria.Copy !req
132. Yeah, and throwing your
mother-in-law into a ditchCopy !req
133. is also a good pick-me-up.Copy !req
134. It's everything I
dreamed it would be.Copy !req
135. I could stay here forever.Copy !req
136. That's pretty much how it works.Copy !req
137. You think I could
see my husband now?Copy !req
138. And your name is?Copy !req
139. Ethyl Phillips.Copy !req
140. Hmm. Hmm. That's odd.Copy !req
141. We don't have your reservation.Copy !req
142. Were you scheduled
to arrive today?Copy !req
143. What do you mean,
scheduled? I dropped dead.Copy !req
144. Ahh, here you are.Copy !req
145. Oh, you aren't expected
for quite some time.Copy !req
146. There must have been a mistake.Copy !req
147. I wanna see my husband.Copy !req
148. I'm dead, and I know my rights.Copy !req
149. Um... no, actually,
you're just near-dead.Copy !req
150. It's a form of unconsciousness,Copy !req
151. but not to worry,Copy !req
152. you'll wake up alive
and well any moment.Copy !req
153. What?Copy !req
154. We're back!Copy !req
155. Uh...Copy !req
156. Fran, sweetheart,Copy !req
157. there's news.Copy !req
158. The swamp was absolutely packed.Copy !req
159. I caught leeches.
Can I keep them?Copy !req
160. No. Those are for dinner.Copy !req
161. Uh, Frannie,
speaking of parasites,Copy !req
162. um, remember when we saidCopy !req
163. your mother would stay with usCopy !req
164. for the rest of her life?Copy !req
165. - Mm-hm.
- Well, she's moved out.Copy !req
166. What are you talking about?
Where is mother? Mother?Copy !req
167. Uh, you're gonna have
to yell louder than that.Copy !req
168. Roy, this is a somber moment.Copy !req
169. Oh! Oh, jeez, uh,
look at the time.Copy !req
170. Um, well, Fran, my condolences.Copy !req
171. What do you say
at a time like this?Copy !req
172. Uh...Copy !req
173. Bye.Copy !req
174. Earl, what are you
doing with that shovel?Copy !req
175. Shovel? Shovel?Copy !req
176. Um... Frannie,
life is like the tide,Copy !req
177. it comes in and goes out.Copy !req
178. It washes in the new
and washed out the old.Copy !req
179. I used it to bury your mother.Copy !req
180. You buried my mother?Copy !req
181. Now, Frannie, she
died quite suddenly,Copy !req
182. and you know we've got a
scavenger problem around here.Copy !req
183. She died? How did she die?Copy !req
184. What did the doctor say?Copy !req
185. Well, there was
no doctor, per se.Copy !req
186. No doctor? Well, did
you take her pulse?Copy !req
187. Pulse?Copy !req
188. Sure, it's all very well, you
coming in here after the factCopy !req
189. and quibbling
over little details.Copy !req
190. Then how do you know she died?Copy !req
191. Fran, I know when
somebody's dead.Copy !req
192. I'm not an idiot.Copy !req
193. Guess again, fat boy.Copy !req
194. Shh...Copy !req
195. Frannie?Copy !req
196. Sweetheart?Copy !req
197. I got you something.Copy !req
198. It's a nice card.Copy !req
199. Would you like me to
read it to you, sweetie?Copy !req
200. I'll take that as yes.Copy !req
201. "What can I say when
I've ruined your dayCopy !req
202. and made you all
angry and surly?Copy !req
203. How could I make such
a thoughtless mistakeCopy !req
204. and bury your mother too early?"Copy !req
205. Oh, come on, Frannie!Copy !req
206. They wouldn't make
this kind of cardCopy !req
207. if it didn't happen
all the time.Copy !req
208. You buried my
mother alive, Earl.Copy !req
209. I did a bad thing yesterday.Copy !req
210. I said I was sorry.
Now let's move on.Copy !req
211. She had to claw her way outCopy !req
212. from under 15 feet
of tightly packed dirt!Copy !req
213. Yesterday.Copy !req
214. Yesterday, I buried her.Copy !req
215. Today, I brought her soup.Copy !req
216. Now we're even-steven.Copy !req
217. Wow, Grandma, that's impressive,Copy !req
218. to have dug your
way out of all that dirtCopy !req
219. without the use of your legs.Copy !req
220. And the tough part was dragging
the wheelchair in my teeth.Copy !req
221. Did you get worms
and bugs up your nose?Copy !req
222. - Tell us about the afterlife.
- Yeah.Copy !req
223. It was the most glorious
experience I ever had.Copy !req
224. Mmm. Was there shopping?Copy !req
225. Everything starts
at 40 percent off.Copy !req
226. - No way!
- Wow!Copy !req
227. You want to talk
about selection...Copy !req
228. Kids, let your grandmother rest.Copy !req
229. She's been through
a very rough time.Copy !req
230. Oh, nonsense. Being dead is
the best experience of my life.Copy !req
231. I could talk about it for hours.Copy !req
232. Maybe you shouldn't
be talking to the kidsCopy !req
233. so much about death.Copy !req
234. Couldn't we change the subject?Copy !req
235. OK. Robbie.Copy !req
236. Hmm?Copy !req
237. I met the most
wonderful female for youCopy !req
238. in the afterlife.Copy !req
239. Very pretty for a dead girl.Copy !req
240. Grandma.Copy !req
241. Hey, it's the host
of that TV show,Copy !req
242. Mysteries That Haven't
Been Solved Yet.Copy !req
243. Hello, members of
the viewing public.Copy !req
244. Has there been an unsolved
mystery in the neighborhood?Copy !req
245. I'm looking for
an Ethyl Phillips.Copy !req
246. Oh, that's me. Oh, I
just love your show.Copy !req
247. How do you come up with
those mysteries week after week?Copy !req
248. Actually, we only have fourCopy !req
249. which we tell over and over.Copy !req
250. Luckily, no one seems to notice.Copy !req
251. So that's how they do it.Copy !req
252. However, this past week,
despite our best efforts,Copy !req
253. one of our mysteries
was irrevocably solved.Copy !req
254. - Oh.
- And that means we need
a new fourth mystery,Copy !req
255. and your story could
be it. Life after death.Copy !req
256. - Wow!
- Great.Copy !req
257. It's mysterious,
and it's unsolved.Copy !req
258. Are you interested?Copy !req
259. There were shuffleboard courtsCopy !req
260. as far as the eye could seeCopy !req
261. and bocce ballCopy !req
262. and a pervasive
sense of well-beingCopy !req
263. and a feeling of being
at one with the infinite,Copy !req
264. and I was regular.Copy !req
265. But while Ethyl PhillipsCopy !req
266. was marveling at the
wonders of the afterlife,Copy !req
267. back at the Sinclair house,Copy !req
268. Ethyl's seemingly dead
body was being buriedCopy !req
269. by her simple-minded
son-in-law EarlCopy !req
270. and his dim-witted friend Ray.Copy !req
271. Hey, that's an outrage!Copy !req
272. They got my name wrong.Copy !req
273. That is supposed to be me?Copy !req
274. That doesn't even
look anything like me.Copy !req
275. Not the mama!Copy !req
276. Why are we watching
this show anyway?Copy !req
277. I wanna watch the puppet
show on the other channel.Copy !req
278. - That's a kid's show.
- Not so.Copy !req
279. They do some very sophisticated
juxtapositions of reality.Copy !req
280. It'll last a year.Copy !req
281. Well, she's in the hole.Copy !req
282. Let's throw large
amounts of dirt on her.Copy !req
283. Did she just move?Copy !req
284. Could it be that she
might possibly be...Copy !req
285. still alive?Copy !req
286. Maybe, but I,Copy !req
287. lacking the intelligence
God gave this shovel,Copy !req
288. plan to bury her anyway.Copy !req
289. Hm-hm.Copy !req
290. The two nitwits continued
working feverishly,Copy !req
291. intent on their terribly
misguided task.Copy !req
292. But my time had not yet come,Copy !req
293. so I was turned
away from the afterlife.Copy !req
294. But I will always remember it,Copy !req
295. for it was more beautiful
and more marvelousCopy !req
296. than anything in this world.Copy !req
297. And I take solace that
someday I will return there.Copy !req
298. And I hope it's soon.Copy !req
299. An amazing tale.Copy !req
300. Thank you.Copy !req
301. Next week's baffling mystery:Copy !req
302. Our viewers, who are they?Copy !req
303. Why do they keep
watching our showCopy !req
304. when there's a
wildly better showCopy !req
305. on the other channel
in this time slot?Copy !req
306. And cut.Copy !req
307. - Great show, Ethyl.
- Thank you.Copy !req
308. I was touched,Copy !req
309. and normally, I'm untouchable.Copy !req
310. Rico, young blood. My chair.Copy !req
311. Miss Phillips, that
was an inspiring story.Copy !req
312. I'm not signing any
more autographs.Copy !req
313. No, no. I'm just
someone with a vision.Copy !req
314. Miss Phillips, there
are millions of dinosaursCopy !req
315. who live lives of misery
and desperate lonelinessCopy !req
316. without a soul to care for them.Copy !req
317. Is my limousine here yet?Copy !req
318. But what if we could
distract these poor dinosaurs,Copy !req
319. get them to stop expecting
so much out of life nowCopy !req
320. with the promise of
some vague reward later?Copy !req
321. Now, you've come up
with this afterlife concept,Copy !req
322. and I think that's it.Copy !req
323. The afterlife could not only
keep dinosaurs in their place,Copy !req
324. it could be a major
source of revenue.Copy !req
325. Sounds interesting.Copy !req
326. What exactly did
you have in mind?Copy !req
327. Now live via satelliteCopy !req
328. from the cavernous
Paradise Shrine,Copy !req
329. where route 19
meets interstate 5,Copy !req
330. it's The Afterlife Show.Copy !req
331. Starring Ethyl PhillipsCopy !req
332. and her inspiring
tales from beyond.Copy !req
333. How you doing?Copy !req
334. And the 1,000-voice Ethyl Choir.Copy !req
335. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
336. That was beautiful.Copy !req
337. Welcome, friends.Copy !req
338. Whose life is miserable
and wretched?Copy !req
339. Ours is!Copy !req
340. And who wants to get
through with their lifeCopy !req
341. so they can get
to the afterlife?Copy !req
342. We do!Copy !req
343. And how you gonna get there?Copy !req
344. We're not sure!Copy !req
345. Then you need to
hear the inspiring wordsCopy !req
346. of the only dinosaurCopy !req
347. who's been to the afterlifeCopy !req
348. and come back
to tell us about it:Copy !req
349. Ethyl Phillips.Copy !req
350. - Life stinks.
- Oh.Copy !req
351. You know it. I know it.Copy !req
352. But it doesn't matter,Copy !req
353. 'cause when it's all done,Copy !req
354. that's when the
fun really starts.Copy !req
355. Let me tell you what
I saw in the afterlife.Copy !req
356. They got a monorail that
goes around the whole place,Copy !req
357. and they got rides for the kidsCopy !req
358. and no lines at all.Copy !req
359. Can I go to the afterlife?Copy !req
360. No, not for a long
time, sweetheart.Copy !req
361. Oh, but I want to
go to the afterlife.Copy !req
362. Better than the now-life.Copy !req
363. Earl, I'm worried about
what mother's saying on TV.Copy !req
364. I'm afraid of the
effect this might haveCopy !req
365. on simple, impressionable minds.Copy !req
366. I want to go to the afterlife!Copy !req
367. Earl!Copy !req
368. Gee, Fran, now that
I know there is one,Copy !req
369. why should I worry
so much about politics,Copy !req
370. the environment
and social injustice?Copy !req
371. I'm just gonna put my
feet up and wait to die.Copy !req
372. That sounds great, Ethyl.Copy !req
373. And now you can
secure your shareCopy !req
374. of the good life
in the afterlife.Copy !req
375. But space is running out,Copy !req
376. so if you'd like to purchaseCopy !req
377. one of these prime
three-bedroom luxury condominiumsCopy !req
378. or a timeshare in the hereafter,Copy !req
379. send me as much money as you canCopy !req
380. for your down payment.Copy !req
381. Yes, nothing this luxuriousCopy !req
382. is available in this life,Copy !req
383. at least, not to
poor folks like you.Copy !req
384. Poor folks like you can secure
your share of the good life.Copy !req
385. And, Ethyl, while
everyone's calling,Copy !req
386. why don't you tell us some moreCopy !req
387. about the lovely
amenities of the afterlife?Copy !req
388. Uh...Copy !req
389. Ethyl? Uh...Copy !req
390. Earl, what's wrong with Mother?Copy !req
391. Gee, she looks like she's dead.Copy !req
392. Lucky stiff.Copy !req
393. I'm going down there.Copy !req
394. - Ethyl! You're on.
- She kicked off again.Copy !req
395. Ah...Copy !req
396. Well, looks like Ethyl's
taken a quick tripCopy !req
397. to check on our contractorCopy !req
398. in the great beyond.Copy !req
399. You got to keep an eye
on those guys all the time.Copy !req
400. Well, we'll be right back.Copy !req
401. Are we off yet?Copy !req
402. Yep.Copy !req
403. Ethyl? The old bag's dead again.Copy !req
404. Ethyl!Copy !req
405. Ethyl! Ethyl!Copy !req
406. Oh.Copy !req
407. Louie, is that really you?Copy !req
408. Hiya, cupcake.Copy !req
409. Oh, Louie, I missed you.Copy !req
410. Am I finally good and dead?Copy !req
411. Not yet.Copy !req
412. Oh, will you guys
stop jerking my chain?Copy !req
413. I'm dead. I'm alive.
I'm dead. I'm alive.Copy !req
414. If I wake up with dirt
in my mouth again...Copy !req
415. Take it easy, cupcake.Copy !req
416. They sent me here
with a message.Copy !req
417. Stop pushing the afterlife.Copy !req
418. But, Louie, it's so
beautiful up here.Copy !req
419. It's just as beautiful
where you are, Ethyl.Copy !req
420. It's more beautiful
because it's life,Copy !req
421. and you only
get a little bit of it.Copy !req
422. If you don't live every dayCopy !req
423. of your life to the fullest,Copy !req
424. you'll have an
eternity to regret it.Copy !req
425. But, Louie, I miss you.Copy !req
426. I miss you too, sweetheart.Copy !req
427. But it's not your time yet.Copy !req
428. Will we be together soon?Copy !req
429. Soon enough, cupcake,Copy !req
430. but you gotta go back now.Copy !req
431. And stop trying to make
a buck off the afterlife.Copy !req
432. Dinosaurs who sell the afterlifeCopy !req
433. may not ever see the afterlife.Copy !req
434. They may end up
someplace not so nice.Copy !req
435. Look what's waiting for you.Copy !req
436. Hi, Ethyl! Come on in!Copy !req
437. No!Copy !req
438. - Mom? Mom?
- Oh, boy. Oh...Copy !req
439. Um...Copy !req
440. Grandma, can you say anything?Copy !req
441. Hey, look, look. I think
she's coming around.Copy !req
442. No! No! No! The
hole's already dug.Copy !req
443. Let's get on with it.Copy !req
444. Not so fast, fat boy.Copy !req
445. Ooh!Copy !req
446. I knew I should
have cremated her.Copy !req
447. Oh!Copy !req
448. Dad?Copy !req
449. What? Huh?Copy !req
450. Where am I?Copy !req
451. Grandma, we brought you
back from the TV studio.Copy !req
452. We were worried.Copy !req
453. We better call your producer.
He thought you were dead.Copy !req
454. Let him think whatever he wants.Copy !req
455. I'm not going back there.Copy !req
456. Mom, I thought you loved
talking about the afterlife.Copy !req
457. I did, Fran, but if I'm
ever gonna go back,Copy !req
458. I can't just sit around here
watching the grass grow.Copy !req
459. What I'm gonna
do is appreciate lifeCopy !req
460. and love all of you.Copy !req
461. Aw!Copy !req
462. Starting tomorrow.Copy !req
463. Why not today?Copy !req
464. 'Cause today, there's a perfectly
good hole in the backyard,Copy !req
465. and we're gonna
bury fat boy in it.Copy !req
466. What?Copy !req
467. Ooh!Copy !req
468. Again!Copy !req