Dinosaurs 2x16

Directed by Jay Dubin

Richard Portnow as Mel Luster (voice) • Paxton Whitehead as Sir David Tushingham • Florence Stanley as Grandma Ethyl Phillips (voice) • Sam McMurray as Roy Hess (voice) • Sherman Hemsley as B.P. Richfield (voice)

An archaeologist documents dinosaurs' way of life as they may have existed long ago, but clips from previous episodes tell a different story.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Honey, I'm home.

2. Hello, I'm Sir David Tushingham.

3. Behind me, a desolate landscape.

4. Arid, stark, and unwelcoming.

5. A hostile environment of relentless heat,

6. foreboding rock and unfriendly dirt.

7. But 60 million years ago,

8. this was a lush tropical landscape,

9. teeming with life, crammed with exotic vegetation.

10. With insects as big as your head,

11. and mushrooms as big as your head with a large hat.

12. And ruling over it all,

13. the most fearsome creatures the world has ever known.

14. Who were these so-called dinosaurs?

15. Where did they come from? Where did they go?

16. And why do these immense creatures,

17. who ruled the world for millions of years,

18. end up as decorations on children's pajamas?

19. Very good.

20. Off you go.

21. Tonight, we will answer these and other questions

22. as we try to debunk the myths, strip away the illusions

23. and liposuck the fatty misconceptions

24. from the thighs of history.

25. Come on! What does this have to do with me?

26. A meteor three times the size of Earth,

27. is heading towards us in a collision course

28. that will result in the extinction of all life

29. on this planet.

30. This just in.

31. No, it's not.

32. Here, beneath the ancient soil of the Serengeti,

33. we find these enormous bones.

34. Too large for any dog to have buried,

35. they must be the remains of the great dinosaurs.

36. If only these bones could talk,

37. if they had but tongues and little lips and you could say,

38. "Hello, bone. Tell us what happened."

39. But these bones do not speak.

40. At least, not loudly enough for us to hear.

41. So we can only surmise

42. what life was like 60 million years ago.

43. It was then,

44. during the dawn of the Jurassic period,

45. that the world first witnessed

46. the birth of this most terrifying creature.

47. Oh, God.

48. Oh, God!

49. Ta-da!

50. Oh! Ooh! Whoa, I'm on the floor.

51. Oh, it's adorable.

52. Whoa, I'm naked.

53. Who's the mama? Where's the mama?

54. Come here, you sweet thing.

55. Oh, hi. How ya doin'? How ya doin'? How ya doin'?

56. Ferocious, bloodthirsty, tyrannical beasts,

57. dinosaurs would as soon rip your back off

58. as give you the time of day.

59. Here is nature at its most savage,

60. creatures capable of unspeakable acts of violence.

61. I'm going to bite you now.

62. Aah!

63. Now, this bat may be a little too heavy for you.

64. Ow!

65. Not the mama!

66. I should have seen that coming.

67. Oh!

68. Fortunately, that didn't hurt a bit.

69. Duh! Uhh.

70. It's like a dream. Somebody pinch me.

71. Doh!

72. I love you.

73. Earl, get your head out of his mouth right now.

74. He started it.

75. Uh-uh.

76. Look at him talking with his mouth full again.

77. Roy, if you bite my husband's head off...

78. Ahh!

79. But of all the dinosaurs,

80. none was so feared as the triceratops.

81. From the Latin "tri," meaning three,

82. "cera," meaning horn,

83. and "tops," meaning boss or employer.

84. Suggestions! Want 'em! Now!

85. - Well... - Well, I... Well, I...

86. All right.

87. Let me see which one of you I wanna hear from first.

88. Oh, please. No. No. No. No.

89. Not me. Not me. Not me. Not me. Not me. Please.

90. I think...

91. I pick... you!

92. Certainly, dinosaurs were large.

93. How large, you ask?

94. As large as buildings.

95. What kind of buildings, you ask?

96. Big downtown office buildings with many levels of parking

97. and impressive rotating restaurants on top.

98. How did the dinosaurs get so big?

99. Well, one theory is they ate a lot

100. and they exercised very little.

101. So for these enormous, building-sized creatures

102. finding sufficient food to sustain life

103. was a constant struggle.

104. You can have a frozen dinner, Earl.

105. We've got a frozen dinner right here.

106. Oh, blecchh!

107. Aren't you hungry? Your appetizer is getting cold.

108. Yo, look here, chunky, just because you can't sleep,

109. doesn't mean you've gotta disturb me.

110. Duh, no, uh...

111. Then tuck me in. Yeah.

112. Take me out of the refrigerator at this time of night,

113. I'll lose my space.

114. Hey, kiss me good night.

115. Hmm? Oh.

116. And don't be putting me in no vegetable bin.

117. I wake up in the vegetable bin I'll come out

118. and kick your big, flabby dinosaur butt

119. all up and down...

120. This constant quest for food

121. struck mortal fear in the hearts of all smaller creatures.

122. Indeed, no sight on Earth was more terrifying

123. than a voracious herd of hungry dinosaurs.

124. Yeah, that's lunch.

125. - Spit that out! - Ow!

126. It's going back to the restaurant.

127. Hey, I had a hat.

128. Oh. Ah. Here you go.

129. Yeah. Thanks.

130. You're disgusting me with the way you chew

131. - with your mouth open. - Huh?

132. I'm telling you, I can see your lunch,

133. and your lunch can see me.

134. - Nah. - How you doing?

135. Will you tell him it's disgusting.

136. Listen, I hate to be critical, but I'm gonna have to agree.

137. And let me tell you, you've got one

138. major plaque build-up back here.

139. Huh?

140. Oh, jeez! Swallow it, spit it out, do something!

141. Yeah, make up your mind.

142. Ooh.

143. Whoa! Man, do I need a shower.

144. Earl, you hurt my feelings

145. and embarrassed me in front of my lunch.

146. Ooh! Ooh!

147. This is it, boy. Bon appétit.

148. - Dad, I don't want to. - Eat him.

149. I'm not even hungry.

150. Put him in your mouth and chew.

151. You can't make me.

152. Hey, what's with the kid?

153. Uh, nothing, nothing's wrong with my kid.

154. - He's a veggo, isn't he? - Hey, hey!

155. Will you just eat him and let's go home, Robbie?

156. No.

157. You know, my son tried the same thing at his age.

158. "Why do I have to eat the other creatures, Dad?

159. What's so important about the food chain?"

160. - What'd you do? - I ate him.

161. - I like it. - I'm tough, but I'm fair.

162. It's not an exaggeration to say

163. that the dinosaur's life was defined by his search for food.

164. And when food was scarce,

165. the ravenous dinosaur was capable of anything.

166. Come here. Come here. Come here.

167. Mmm.

168. Come. Come.

169. Ha ha.

170. Ha ha ha ha ha.

171. Here is an unexpected and exciting find.

172. Bones, perhaps 70 million years old,

173. and unlike any we have found elsewhere.

174. They are small, delicate, almost bird-like.

175. Perhaps this is a new species.

176. But why here in this one spot and not anywhere else?

177. This find might call into question

178. all we think we know about these amazing creatures.

179. We'll be back.

180. Hello, and welcome back.

181. Understanding the mystery of the dinosaurs

182. is much like putting together a complex jigsaw puzzle.

183. Many pieces are easy to assemble,

184. others more difficult.

185. Still others fall off the card table of science entirely

186. and are lost under the sofa of obscurity

187. or sucked up by the vacuum cleaner of ignorance

188. or chewed up and made unrecognizable

189. by the disobedient dog of time.

190. If only Earth's distant past

191. came in a box with a picture on the lid,

192. then we could so easily answer all our questions.

193. For example, scientists now speculate

194. the dinosaur may have had two brains,

195. one in the head, the other in the tail.

196. If this is true,

197. it means, in fact, that dinosaurs

198. were twice as intelligent as we previously thought.

199. All right, who filled in the holes in my bowling ball?

200. Oh, never mind. Here's some more.

201. Hmm, what is it?

202. Well, it's obviously a suggestion box.

203. Hello. This is Roy. What do you suggest?

204. As you can see,

205. I have separated all known dinosaur wisdom

206. into three categories:

207. Animal, vegetable, rocks.

208. Well, what about fire?

209. Vegetable.

210. What about water?

211. Water is the opposite of fire,

212. which we previously established as a vegetable.

213. What's the opposite of a vegetable? Fruit.

214. So water is a fruit.

215. Fruit is not a vegetable,

216. so it has to be either an animal or a rock.

217. We know it's not an animal. Therefore, fruit is a rock.

218. Sometimes, on a paleontological dig

219. such as this, we unearth an artifact so unusual,

220. so unexplainable,

221. an artifact that so challenges our fundamental beliefs

222. that we're tempted to put it back in the ground,

223. cover it up and dig somewhere else.

224. Here is something we're covering up right now.

225. A moment, please.

226. Here are the bones of a group of dinosaurs

227. huddled around this mysterious cube.

228. What was this box?

229. What made it so important, so compelling,

230. that these gargantuan creatures

231. sat around it until they died?

232. We want to watch television.

233. And now that we have cable,

234. our TV's become a rocket sled to adventure.

235. Buckle up, kids! Yeah!

236. Hi, and welcome to The Hat Channel,

237. 24 hours a day of hat news,

238. hat features and hat happenings.

239. Pangaea's watching ABC,

240. the Antediluvian Broadcasting Company.

241. I always felt I was an herbivore trapped in a carnivore's body.

242. Cross-eaters, today at four on Raptile.

243. Now, listen, Ugh,

244. I'm expecting an important package this afternoon.

245. So whatever you do, don't open it.

246. I won't, Woodrow.

247. Hilarious hijinks with that talking caveman,

248. this afternoon on Mr. Ugh.

249. Today at four.

250. It's television.

251. They say whatever they want.

252. Television is responsible for the utter degradation of our society.

253. We should write letters.

254. - Mom? - What?

255. Get a life.

256. Welcome back to DTV.

257. You're in the middle of a weekend of macho idiot rock.

258. That's right. All weekend long,

259. superficial adolescent male posturing

260. and shallow, meaningless songs.

261. Cool.

262. This special weekend is brought to you by BEER.

263. Well, as you can see, we've got ourselves

264. an active super-continent this morning.

265. In the north, violent volcanoes,

266. including one particularly big boomer

267. that ought to rip the Tigris-Euphrates Valley wide open.

268. So if you've got relatives there,

269. kiss 'em goodbye.

270. Once again,

271. it's time to learn about science on Ask Mr. Lizard.

272. - Hi, kids. - Hi, Mr. Lizard.

273. Hi, Mr. Lizard. What are we going to learn today?

274. Well, Timmy, what do you think would happen

275. if we mix potassium nitrate...

276. Oh!

277. Charcoal and sulfur?

278. Hmm. Gee, Mr. Lizard. I don't know.

279. We're gonna need another Timmy.

280. Aah!

281. Say it.

282. We're going to need another Timmy.

283. Yay!

284. Gee, Mr. Lizard,

285. what should I do with the nitroglycerin?

286. We're gonna need another Timmy.

287. Well, Timmy, you just pour it into the blender there

288. while I get behind this lead shield.

289. OK.

290. Say it.

291. We're gonna need another Timmy.

292. I've never seen a real jet engine before.

293. Keep looking.

294. OK, but I don't think it's going to work.

295. I mean, nothing's happening...

296. say it!

297. We're gonna need another Timmy.

298. I don't want the kids to think.

299. I want the kids to watch safe, little situation comedies

300. with time-tested, repetitive story lines.

301. Coming this fall on ABC.

302. He's a big-city dinosaur detective

303. who leaps through time to adopt seven interracial children.

304. She's a ghost with seven interracial ghost children of her own.

305. They're moving to the country to become district attorneys.

306. And watch the sparks fly when Mother moves in.

307. It's all Way Too Complicated! Wednesdays at eight.

308. Wow!

309. Jeez. More of the same.

310. And so, we leave this artifact

311. for future generations of paleontologists

312. to dig up, ponder over,

313. become frustrated with and then bury again.

314. Oh, thank you, Miss Honeywell.

315. You're doing a splendid job.

316. You're capable, efficient,

317. very professional.

318. Sex.

319. For the dinosaur, mating was an elaborate ritual.

320. Hey! Hey!

321. Look at the tail on that one.

322. Lift it, don't drag it, sweetheart!

323. So, Mom, when I walk,

324. do I swing it back and forth or do I just let it drag?

325. Nice girls don't swing.

326. So boys like that?

327. They're crazy for it.

328. Mother.

329. Sweetheart.

330. Just swing it a little... until you get married.

331. Then you can put it away.

332. And even though young Robbie

333. was caught with his pants down, so to speak,

334. he was merely pursuing the female of the species.

335. I'm sure even you, as a youth,

336. fell prey to a well-turned tail.

337. Am I right?

338. Well, I may have played love's fool once or twice.

339. Aah!

340. Wanna make more of an impression with the ladies?

341. From time immemorial, dinosaurs have known

342. there's only one way to a woman's heart.

343. It's not flowers.

344. It's not candy.

345. Yes, it's the mating dance.

346. Ahh. Mm-mm.

347. Ahh. Ahh.

348. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

349. Fran?

350. Male. Female.

351. To the untrained eye, they're virtually indistinguishable.

352. But within the dinosaur family,

353. gender roles are quickly established

354. and rigidly maintained.

355. Charlene, you are now my son.

356. Thanks, Daddy.

357. Frannie, could you just for one evening forget you're a female

358. so I could get romantic with you?

359. Uh, Dad, when's Mom coming back from Grandma's?

360. When she's recuperated from you.

361. Until then, I'm the mother.

362. OK, Mom, can I go to a movie tonight?

363. Not a chance.

364. Dad said I could.

365. Uh... He really did?

366. Mm-hmm.

367. Dad, I had a late lunch. I'll see you later, OK?

368. Where do you think you're going?

369. Out with the guys to mark some territory.

370. Oh!

371. Oh! Oh!

372. I slaved over a hot oven

373. making a nice dinner for you kids,

374. and now you're gonna sit at this table and eat that dinner

375. and express proper gratitude to your mother-father!

376. Night.

377. Hey, you don't think I'm gonna let go of this table

378. and come after you two?

379. You're playing with fire here.

380. I'm telling you, you're playing with fire!

381. No, I'm playing with fire.

382. What?

383. Ooh!

384. No!

385. Oh! Oh!

386. Oh! Ooh.

387. - Daddy. - What?

388. - Hot. - Oh!

389. Where we going?

390. Again!

391. Children.

392. Like all animals, dinosaurs cherish them.

393. Give me that!

394. Dinosaurs cherished their young...

395. That's mine!

396. Looked forward to the birth of each offspring

397. with eager anticipation.

398. What I'm trying to say is that

399. life holds such enormous possibilities

400. as long as there's nothing inside that egg.

401. In return for the love

402. and protection they gave their young,

403. the dinosaur parents demanded complete respect

404. and obedience.

405. Not the mama! Not the mama!

406. Not the mama! Not the mama!

407. Not the mama! Not the mama!

408. You do that one more time

409. and I'm gonna throw you across the room!

410. Not the mama!

411. Whee! Oof!

412. Again!

413. Want to give Daddy a kiss?

414. Not the mama! Not the mama! Not the mama!

415. Not the mama! Not the mama!

416. That is starting to bother me.

417. Not the mother. Not the mother.

418. No, that's not it at all.

419. Good morning, my family who loves me.

420. Not the mama.

421. All right, that ends right now.

422. I've had it up to here with "not the mama."

423. I'm not "not the mama." I'm your daddy.

424. You only get one, buster,

425. and that is what you're gonna call me: Daddy.

426. Now say "Daddy."

427. Say "Daddy."

428. OK. All right. All right.

429. Say "Da."

430. Da...

431. - Say "dee." - Dee.

432. - Da... - Da...

433. - Dee. - Dee.

434. - Daddy. - Daddy.

435. - Frannie! - Daddy.

436. - Fran! - Daddy.

437. He loves me! Listen to him!

438. Daddy! Daddy!

439. And so our trek through ancient times is complete.

440. But one question remains unanswered:

441. What destroyed the dinosaurs?

442. Perhaps it was their own failure to adapt to a changing planet.

443. With their tiny, embarrassingly small brains,

444. they couldn't have known

445. that their environment was changing around them

446. and that they must change with it.

447. Will the same fate befall us?

448. Impossible.

449. We humans are clearly capable of learning from the past

450. and avoiding such devastating ecological demise.

451. Compared to the dinosaurs,

452. we may be short, but we're not short-sighted.

453. This is Sir David Tushingham.

454. Good night.

455. Professor, what do you want us to do with all this trash?

456. Well, how do I know? We're in a desert.

457. Just dump it somewhere.

458. Let's dump.