1. Honey, I'm home.
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2. Welcome back to Dirty Dare!
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3. As you can see,
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4. I've covered both
our contestants
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5. with chunks of meat. Oh...
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6. Next we're going to throw
them into the pit 'o wild dogs
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7. where they'll try and
find the one unlocked door
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8. that leads to safety
and our grand prize
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9. $25 savings bond
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10. and candy!
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11. - Wow, yeah!
- Sound easy?
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12. Well, it won't be,
wearing these high heels.
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13. Come on, come
on. It's all in fun.
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14. - Again!
- Blood.
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15. You know, there's a
lot of housework to do,
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16. and it wouldn't hurt you to
get off your big green butts
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17. and give me a hand around here.
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18. Jeez! Fran, what
you choose to do
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19. in your free time's up to you.
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20. We wanna watch television.
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21. And now that we have cable,
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22. our TV's become a
rocket sled to adventure.
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23. Buckle up, kids. Yeah!
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24. Hi, and welcome to The
Hat Channel, 24 hours a day
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25. of hat news, hat features
and hat happenings.
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26. Oh, great. Hat news.
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27. Oh, Fran, there's so much
out there to see and do.
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28. And now, we can experience
it all without leaving our chairs.
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29. The fire swept through
two square city blocks.
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30. Miraculously, no
hats were damaged.
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31. Yipee. There's some good news.
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32. Dad, you're lingering.
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33. Oh, right.
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34. Hello. You're on the air,
and I'm Just Listening.
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35. Did you have a personal
problem you wanted to talk about?
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36. Yes, it's my son. He
won't speak to me.
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37. Really? That's too bad.
Kids can be like that.
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38. Well, good luck.
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39. Hello. You're on the air.
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40. What's on your mind today?
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41. Hi. I've got a
problem with my boss.
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42. Oh, gee. Problems
at work are the worst.
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43. I hope everything turns out OK.
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44. Bye.
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45. Hi. I'm Just Listening.
What's your problem?
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46. It's amazing, isn't it, Mike?
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47. Not only does it give my
car a showroom shine,
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48. it improves my gas mileage
and cured my spastic colon.
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49. Wait a minute.
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50. I know it's hard to believe.
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51. But they couldn't
say it if it wasn't true.
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52. No, no, no, go back
to that talk show.
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53. Fran, I'm paying
for 162 stations here,
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54. and I'm not gonna waste my money
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55. looking at just one of them
for more than eight seconds.
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56. But at least the last
one had real dinosaurs
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57. talking about real problems.
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58. Ho-ho, kids.
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59. Looks like the cable
bug's got your mother.
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60. Slide over and welcome
her to the dynamic world
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61. of watching other
folks doing stuff.
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62. Yeah, come on, Mom.
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63. Hello. You're on the air.
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64. My name is Liz. I have
a really big problem.
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65. Oh, that's too bad.
Let's take another call.
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66. Hello. You're on the air.
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67. You're on the air,
and I'm Just Listening.
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68. Hi. I don't think my
life's not worth living.
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69. I'm on a cellular phone,
and I'm on this high ledge.
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70. That's rough.
Hope you get over it.
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71. If things work out,
give us a jingle.
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72. Come on, jump!
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73. Hungry. Closer.
Come on! Come on!
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74. Hello, Mama!
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75. You know what the
problem is with this show?
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76. It's the host. He
doesn't do anything.
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77. I'm going to call him.
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78. What?
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79. Hey, where you going?
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80. I'm hungry!
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81. Ohh.
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82. Ahh.
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83. Mm-hm.
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84. Ooh, look what I made. Art.
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85. You're on the air.
What's your problem?
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86. Hi, my name's Fran.
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87. I've been watching your
show since yesterday.
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88. I'd like to make a suggestion.
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89. It's the mama! The
mama fell in the TV.
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90. I think that instead of
just listening to dinosaurs
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91. tell you their problems,
you should try to help them.
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92. Well, it's always nice
to hear suggestions.
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93. Thanks for calling.
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94. No, I'm serious.
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95. You could give them
advice, tell them things
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96. that might actually
solve their problems.
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97. That's fascinating. Well,
gotta take another call.
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98. - Excuse me. Fran, is it?
- Yes.
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99. The name's Jerry Valentine.
I'm the show's producer.
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100. You may be on to something
with this whole advice angle.
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101. Hang on, Jer, I don't
give advice. I just listen.
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102. See? Just Listenin'.
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103. You are so threatened
by the tiniest suggestions.
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104. Isn't that interesting?
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105. The lady gave me an idea.
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106. If you could just
give it half a chance.
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107. Look, Jer, as long as I'm here,
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108. I'm Just Listenin'.
You got that?
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109. And if you don't like it,
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110. you can find
yourself a new host.
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111. I appreciate your
sending the car for me,
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112. but I do have a
roast in the oven.
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113. Look, forget the roast.
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114. You've got talent, kid.
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115. I mean, talent is a divine gift.
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116. To squander it
would be... a sin.
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117. Now, don't say anything
to upset the sponsor.
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118. - Here we go.
- What?
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119. And now it's time
for Just Advisin'
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120. with your host Fran Sinclair!
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121. What do you mean,
don't upset the sponsor?
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122. What do you think
I should... say?
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123. Lights. Yes! And...
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124. - Hi.
- Action!
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125. - I'm Fran.
- Yeah.
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126. Huh? Come on.
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127. Take a call.
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128. Huh?
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129. Push the button, Fran.
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130. Oh, uh...
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131. Uh, hello. Ooh!
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132. Uh, hello.
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133. Hi, Fran, the
reason I'm calling is,
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134. I'm not sure, but I
think my husband
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135. may be having an affair.
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136. Oh. Well, uh...
gee, maybe, um...
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137. Maybe you should ask him.
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138. Ask him! Wow! Incredible advice.
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139. Thanks.
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140. Ooh! Powerful stuff, Fran.
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141. Yeah?
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142. Ground-breaking. Do it again.
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143. Oh. Uh, hello.
You're on the air.
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144. Hi, Fran. Love your
show. Never miss it.
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145. Thanks, but I've only
been on about a minute.
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146. Well, you're doing a great job.
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147. I'm having a problems
with my teenage son.
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148. He refuses to walk
on his hind legs
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149. like the rest of the family.
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150. Should I snap his neck or what?
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151. If it were my son, I
wouldn't snap his neck
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152. right off the bat. He may
just be going through a phase.
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153. You're right. I've
been terribly unfair.
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154. Thank you, Fran. You
saved my life and my son's.
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155. Yes!
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156. Men, do you suffer
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157. from short attention spans?
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158. Yeah.
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159. Why don't you try
letting your husband
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160. think he's won the argument
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161. and then do what
you want anyway?
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162. I know that's what I
do with my husband.
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163. Hey, Earl, isn't that your wife?
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164. Hello. You're on the air.
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165. Gee, and I thought
you brought the TV in
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166. so we could watch the game.
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167. What's your wife
doing with a job?
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168. Yeah, wives don't
work. They're wives.
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169. If they worked,
they'd be husbands.
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170. That's not my wife
or my husband.
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171. Uh... boy,
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172. I have to make a phone call
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173. about something
totally unrelated.
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174. Duh...
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175. Well, it sure looks like Fran,
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176. and she's got the same name.
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177. But it's absurd that she
should have her own TV show.
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178. Maybe it's her sister.
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179. Roy, that's nuts!
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180. Her sister wouldn't
have the same name.
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181. I don't know.
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182. My brother Roy says it
happens more than you'd think.
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183. Uhh.
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184. Well, I don't know.
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185. Just tell your
husband not to take
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186. the whole paper with him.
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187. Hi. You're on the air.
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188. Hello, is this my
wife? Please say no.
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189. - Earl?
- Oh, jeez!
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190. Hey! Hey, Earl!
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191. You're on TV!
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192. What's going on out here?
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193. Huh? Oh, Uh... uh,
nothing. Nothing at all.
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194. We're just having
fun at Earl's expense.
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195. Oh, humiliation.
Great stuff! I want in!
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196. Channel 86, boss.
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197. Earl, I'm working.
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198. That's impossible. You were
in the kitchen just this morning.
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199. Can we please talk
about this at home?
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200. Yeah, Earl, after
you make dinner!
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201. Dinner! That's great!
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202. Guys, I'd like to be alone
with my wife, please.
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203. Roy, turn off the set!
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204. No problem, pally-boy.
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205. Here you go, complete privacy.
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206. Hey! What'd you do that for?
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207. Give me that. There.
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208. Earl, I can't talk about
this now. I have other calls.
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209. We will talk about it now,
Fran, because I say so,
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210. and I am the mighty
megalosaurus...
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211. Thank you.
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212. Hey, she got you, Sinclair!
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213. Made you look like
a thundering boob
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214. in front of millions of viewers.
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215. "and so the woolly
mammoth learned
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216. if you marry something
smaller than you,
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217. you have to always be
careful where you step."
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218. Oh, tough lesson.
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219. Mm-hm.
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220. Read another one.
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221. No. I think that's
enough for now.
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222. OK.
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223. Then feed me! Feed me!
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224. That I can do.
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225. Good, good, good. Feed me.
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226. What do you want?
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227. Baby bottle, please.
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228. There you go.
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229. Thank you.
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230. Ah, good, good,
good. Ha, ha, ha.
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231. - There you go.
- Gimme, gimme.
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232. Gimme. Mmm. Ahh.
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233. Will you look at this?
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234. My wife goes off and gets a job
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235. and leaves our precious
bundle of joy here all alone.
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236. I'm here.
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237. Fine, all alone with Monica.
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238. Earl, the baby and I are
getting along just fine.
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239. Monica, you can't possibly
replace the bond of love
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240. between a parent and a child.
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241. Poor motherless thing.
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242. Not the Monica!
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243. I think I can
handle it from here.
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244. Hi, Dad.
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245. Is Mom back from work yet?
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246. Look at them, orphans
crying out for their mother,
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247. wailing against this injustice.
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248. Personally, I'm proud of her.
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249. Yeah, hey, she's
practically a celebrity.
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250. - Yeah. Jeez.
- Jeez.
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251. Look, you two, when
your mother gets home,
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252. you better act betrayed
and abandoned,
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253. or you're both out of here.
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254. Earl, Fran's now
a working female.
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255. She's under a lot of pressure.
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256. And right now, what she
needs more than anything
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257. from her loving husband
is understanding,
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258. compassion and support.
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259. Not a chance, tootsie.
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260. I see your radical
agenda at work here.
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261. What agenda?
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262. You want the wives out of the
houses and into the workforce
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263. so they're fulfilled
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264. and their husbands have
a new respect for them
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265. and the sexes live
together in harmony.
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266. And then, uh...
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267. I don't have all the pieces
to your diabolical scheme.
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268. You sense a threat to
your male-dominated world.
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269. You got that right.
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270. You've gotta stop
hitting your daddy
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271. on the head with
that juice bottle.
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272. - Ha, ha, ha.
- I'm home!
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273. Oh.
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274. How can I say
this nicely? Get out.
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275. You two, act abandoned.
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276. No way.
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277. Hey, look hungry.
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278. Sorry.
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279. Bye, kids. Good luck.
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280. Where have you been?
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281. - I was out.
- Out. My point exactly.
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282. You were out at some
job I didn't know about
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283. when you should have been
here, putting dinner on the table.
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284. What's that on the table?
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285. - Dinner.
- Wow! Takeout food.
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286. And it's still kicking,
very expensive.
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287. Oh, I see your little game.
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288. You skip out on the family,
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289. then you try to weasel
your way back in
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290. with expensive culinary
delights we can't afford.
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291. - Spit that out!
- Ow!
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292. It's going back
to the restaurant.
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293. Hey, I had a hat.
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294. Oh. Oh. Here you go.
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295. Yeah.
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296. Thanks.
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297. Earl, we can afford it.
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298. I got an advance on
my first week's salary.
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299. I know. It's very exciting.
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300. You got yourself a little job,
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301. and you're making
yourself a little money,
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302. Hey, hubba-hubba, pally-boy.
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303. Looking good.
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304. Yeah. Check out the
tie. Matching plaid.
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305. Oh!
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306. Can't even see it.
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307. Yeah. Sure sign of quality.
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308. Oh, and, uh, check
out the handkerchief.
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309. What handkerchief?
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310. Am I styling or what?
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311. So, what gives?
You win the lottery
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312. or maybe a rich
relative got eaten?
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313. It's the wife.
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314. Oh, gee, I'm sorry to hear that.
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315. I always liked Fran.
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316. No, no, she's still alive.
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317. And what's better,
she's making money.
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318. Hey!
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319. And I'm being taken care of.
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320. Ooh!
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321. I think I'll go get
my nails done today
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322. and maybe bikini wax.
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323. Hey Earl. Nice hat.
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324. Hey, what's that smell?
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325. Oh, that.
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326. It's an expensive
fragrance that Fran got me.
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327. Nice, huh?
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328. It makes me feel as fresh
as a bright summer's day.
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329. Gee, sometimes I
feel... not so fresh.
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330. Sinclair, now!
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331. Whoa! He forgot
to say, "Get in here."
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332. Well, I think he feels
comfortable enough with us
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333. that he doesn't have to.
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334. Thanks for calling,
and line two...
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335. Yes, my captain.
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336. Your wife's show.
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337. Oh, it's completely out of my
hands, sir. There's nothing...
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338. My wife loves it.
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339. Oh. Thank you, sir.
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340. I always try to encourage
my Fran to speak her mind.
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341. But I hate it!
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342. But not to speak
her mind so much
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343. that it could possibly
bother or offend anyone.
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344. That was her idea completely.
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345. I kind of like the parts
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346. where she uses you
as her idiot example,
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347. and you get humiliated.
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348. Oh. Thank you.
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349. What I don't like is, is put
ideas into my wife's head.
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350. And my wife's head
is no place for ideas.
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351. - No.
- No wife's head is.
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352. It's too dangerous.
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353. Could rip apart the
very fabric of our society.
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354. You understand.
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355. I... Uh, uh...
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356. I want to so badly.
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357. Get your wife off the TV!
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358. Ah, well, that
could be difficult, sir.
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359. You see, she's
fulfilled and happy
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360. and making what I'd call an
obscene amount of money.
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361. Hmm.
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362. Earl, I don't want to meddle
into your personal affairs,
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363. but as your friend and mentor,
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364. I advise you to be careful.
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365. Am I in more danger
than usual, sir?
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366. Why, sure.
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367. Wife starts making
money, next thing you know,
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368. she'll want to have
more of what they call...
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369. input.
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370. Input?
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371. Oh, yeah. Very dangerous.
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372. Female starts to make money,
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373. she tends to get more
bossy around the house.
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374. Input. Watch out for it.
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375. Well, that's not going to
happen with my Frannie.
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376. 'Cause before I
let her input me,
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377. I'm going to take all
the stuff she bought me,
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378. load it in the car and
return some of it. Ha!
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379. Fran, I'm home,
and I'm starving.
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380. Is dinner ready?
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381. Earl, I'm home,
and I'm starving.
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382. Is dinner ready?
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383. Dinner?
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384. I'd love some. Thank you.
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385. Well, then why don't
you make something?
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386. Oh, Earl, I'm too tired.
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387. Would you mind running out
Copy !req
388. and picking something up?
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389. Money.
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390. I see. I see.
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391. So this is your input
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392. into the dinner decision, is it?
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393. Would you rather we
had something delivered?
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394. Oh, something delivered.
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395. Some more input, hey, Fran?
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396. What are you talking about?
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397. Right. That's it. Job's over.
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398. Tomorrow you quit.
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399. I am not quitting.
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400. - Oh, yes, you are, Fran.
- No, I'm not, Earl.
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401. I've made my decision,
and I am the husband.
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402. Need I say more?
Copy !req
403. Husbands can be so pigheaded.
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404. Maybe I needed to say more.
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405. That's why communication
is so important.
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406. When you say communication,
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407. do you mean like throwing
a frying pan at him?
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408. Well, I've certainly wanted
to do that with my husband.
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409. But I'm sure it's not easy
being a male dinosaur,
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410. working your tail
off day after day,
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411. getting yelled at by your boss
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412. just so your family
can have a better life.
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413. Now that I'm working, I know
what the pressure feels like.
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414. It makes me sympathetic
to what males go through,
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415. although it's not easy.
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416. Hey, I wonder if that
was meant for me?
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417. Well, I think you
married yourself
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418. a pretty deep dinosaur
there, pally-boy.
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419. Yeah. Well, she
does the best she can.
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420. Yeah.
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421. Hey, that's lunch.
Long morning, huh?
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422. Let's go see
what's on the truck.
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423. You got it.
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424. Hi, this is Fran.
You're on the air.
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425. Hi, Fran. It's Frank.
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426. I had this show
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427. when it was called Just
Listenin', you remember?
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428. Oh, sure, Frank.
How have you been?
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429. Fine. Thanks.
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430. Giving advice is
a big improvement
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431. - over just listening.
- Yeah.
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432. But I think your audience, Fran,
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433. is ready for the next step,
something more visual.
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434. Oh, like what?
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435. Off the top of my head,
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436. why don't you have
couples that don't get along
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437. come on the show and
resolve their problems
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438. by throwing things
at each other?
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439. That just sounds like a
shameless grab for ratings.
Copy !req
440. Frank? Yeah, Jerry.
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441. Listen, run that
throwing thing concept
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442. by me again, will you?
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443. Yuck.
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444. What's the matter with you?
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445. This milk tastes bad.
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446. It's all that's
left. Deal with it.
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447. Ow!
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448. I feel better now.
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449. I can't believe this.
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450. I threw these dirty clothes
on the floor this morning,
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451. I come home.
They're still there.
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452. I mean, what's going on?
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453. Mom's working. That's
why we're drinking sour milk.
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454. You know, I was all for
this Mom gets a job thing
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455. when it was just more money,
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456. but now it's starting
to inconvenience me.
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457. These clothes are
not getting any cleaner.
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458. Well, why don't you
just go and wash them?
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459. Oh, yeah? Why don't you
just go buy some more milk?
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460. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
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461. Look what's happening to us.
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462. What?
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463. I'm sorry.
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464. I'm not seriously suggesting
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465. you do your own laundry.
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466. - Yes, he is.
- Yeah. I'm sorry too.
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467. - I know you're not the enemy.
- That's right.
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468. Mom is.
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469. Hi, kids.
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470. Dad? Dad, listen.
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471. Remember when you wanted
us to gang up against Mom?
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472. - Well, we're ready now.
- Definitely.
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473. Look, kids, I know
times are tough,
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474. but your mom's doing something
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475. she finds enriching
and rewarding.
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476. So?
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477. So until she realizes it's not,
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478. we've all gotta pitch in
and take over her chores.
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479. - Aw!
- Dinner.
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480. Can't you just re-marry?
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481. Where's the mama?
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482. - Oh, you want the mama?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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483. No problem.
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484. She's coming right up.
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485. Welcome back to Just
Throwing With Frank.
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486. Whoa!
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487. I should never
have asked you out!
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488. Oh! Aah!
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489. You and your dirty socks!
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490. Hey, where's the mama?
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491. I don't know.
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492. - I'm right here.
- There's the mama!
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493. The mama got out of the TV!
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494. Frannie, what are
you doing here?
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495. I quit my job.
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496. You quit?
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497. Oh, hallelujah.
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498. Oh, I'm sorry, Fran.
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499. I know I should be
more supportive,
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500. but gee, that's good news.
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501. - Well, what happened, Mom?
- Yeah.
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502. They wanted the
show to have more...
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503. What do they call
it? Oh, yeah. Edge.
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504. Ooh!
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505. Yay!
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506. Hey, I was watching that!
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507. - It's better not to.
- Oh.
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508. Well, glad to have
you back, Mom.
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509. Here's your apron.
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510. And here's the
laundry. We missed you.
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511. But now you're back
where you belong.
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512. Home for good.
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513. Ahh, Mama.
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514. Good to have you home.
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515. Thank you, everyone. Ahh.
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516. Mama back.
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517. But I'm not home for good.
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518. What?
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519. Oh, you mean you're
going out to pick up dinner?
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520. No, I mean I enjoyed working,
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521. and I'm going to
look for another job.
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522. - What?
- Oh!
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523. Earl, it's just a job.
I'll still be your wife.
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524. And I'll still be your mother.
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525. I'll always be those things,
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526. but that doesn't
mean that's all I am.
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527. Well, if it's a job
you really want,
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528. then I say...
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529. what's in it for us?
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530. My happiness, Earl.
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531. And if one member of
this family isn't happy,
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532. then none of us will be.
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533. Believe me, that's the truth.
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534. Oh, Fran, I guess we could try.
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535. I don't know anything
about running the house.
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536. For instance, on
these frozen dinners,
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537. when they says preheat the oven,
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538. do they mean the whole oven
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539. or just the space inside?
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540. Why don't I cook dinner tonight?
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541. Then, afterwards,
we'll have a few drinks,
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542. send the kids up to bed,
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543. and then I'll introduce
you to the kitchen.
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544. Duh...
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