1. Honey, I'm home.Copy !req
2. Welcome back to DTV.Copy !req
3. You're in a middle of a
weekend of macho idiot rock.Copy !req
4. That's right. All weekend long,Copy !req
5. superficial adolescent
male posturingCopy !req
6. and shallow, meaningless songs.Copy !req
7. Cool.Copy !req
8. This special weekend's
brought to you by BEER.Copy !req
9. Next up, a smashing new
band, Lyzzard Skyzzard.Copy !req
10. This is their latest video,Copy !req
11. which won them the DTV
Music Award for Fastest Editing.Copy !req
12. Robbie, isn't that too loud?Copy !req
13. Thanks, Mom. With cheese!Copy !req
14. It's too loud!Copy !req
15. And I don't like the
values they portray.Copy !req
16. Mom, you're overreacting.Copy !req
17. Beer! Cigarettes! Chicks!Copy !req
18. He could've heard that anywhere.Copy !req
19. Where is he? Where is he?Copy !req
20. Ahh, there's the birthday boy!Copy !req
21. - Tomorrow's the big day!
- Yeah!Copy !req
22. Presents! Presents!Copy !req
23. Hey, you betcha,
presents, hats, streamers,Copy !req
24. the works for
your first birthday.Copy !req
25. Even a pony!Copy !req
26. - Pony?
- That's right.Copy !req
27. A big, juicy one,
grilled to perfection.Copy !req
28. Earl, you'll spoil him.Copy !req
29. I want him to like
me. Is that so wrong?Copy !req
30. Honey, you have
to earn his love.Copy !req
31. That could take years.Copy !req
32. I'm his daddy.Copy !req
33. I want his love now,Copy !req
34. genuine and unconditional,Copy !req
35. and I'm willing to pay for it.Copy !req
36. Look what Daddy got for you.Copy !req
37. - Present!
- Do you like me?Copy !req
38. - Gimme!
- I'm overwhelmed.Copy !req
39. We're bonding
all over the place.Copy !req
40. Duh.Copy !req
41. Earl, isn't he a little
young for sports?Copy !req
42. Never too young to
learn the fundamentals.Copy !req
43. Now, this bat may be a
little too heavy for you. Ow!Copy !req
44. Not the mama!Copy !req
45. I should've seen that coming.Copy !req
46. Ohh!Copy !req
47. Fortunately, that
didn't hurt a bit.Copy !req
48. He's been out for a long time.Copy !req
49. - Is he dead?
- No, sweetheart.Copy !req
50. If he were dead there'd
be scavengers at the door.Copy !req
51. It's my family, looking at
me with love and concern.Copy !req
52. He opened his eyes.
I guess he's alive.Copy !req
53. Not necessarily. It could just be
an involuntary muscle response.Copy !req
54. My adoring children.
How I treasure them.Copy !req
55. Again!Copy !req
56. Is your father
still unconscious?Copy !req
57. Yeah, I put a pan under
his chin to catch the drool.Copy !req
58. That's very considerate.Copy !req
59. What are we doing
with all this stuff, Ma?Copy !req
60. Your little brother's outgrown
a lot of his baby clothes.Copy !req
61. So I thought I'd pack them
up and give them away.Copy !req
62. Aw. That's the nest I made for
him when he was just an egg.Copy !req
63. Where is he?Copy !req
64. He's taunting me, Fran!
Keep that kid away from me.Copy !req
65. Mom, take a look at this
nest. I don't think it's ours.Copy !req
66. Of course it's ours.Copy !req
67. She's right.
There's a label on it.Copy !req
68. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
69. Let's see.Copy !req
70. "This is the property of
Gus and Glenda Molehill.Copy !req
71. If found, please
squeeze into any mailbox.Copy !req
72. Return postage guaranteed."Copy !req
73. You got somebody else's nest.Copy !req
74. That's not possible.Copy !req
75. Your baby brother's egg
was always in that nestCopy !req
76. and the nest
never left the houseCopy !req
77. except when I went
to Lamaze class.Copy !req
78. Well, was there a Mrs.
Molehill in your Lamaze class?Copy !req
79. Yes, there was,Copy !req
80. but I don't see how we
could've switched nests...Copy !req
81. Unless it was the
day of the earthquake.Copy !req
82. Now, when the egg is
ready, it will start to crack.Copy !req
83. Even though there's
not much for you to do,Copy !req
84. Lamaze class can still
be reassuring for youCopy !req
85. and a big money maker for me.Copy !req
86. I spent 200 bucks for this?Copy !req
87. And my butt is falling asleep.Copy !req
88. Most importantly,
there's no refund.Copy !req
89. If you don't like it, leave.Copy !req
90. Earthquake! Still no refund.Copy !req
91. What do you mean
there's no refund?Copy !req
92. Earthquake!Copy !req
93. - My egg!
- Get the egg!Copy !req
94. Earthquake! Earthquake!Copy !req
95. That's mine.Copy !req
96. I think we have the wrong eggs.Copy !req
97. I think you're right.
They look so much alike.Copy !req
98. They do.Copy !req
99. I guess that's when it happened.Copy !req
100. That's awfully fascinating.Copy !req
101. Could you see if there's
a dent in my head?Copy !req
102. If the nests got switched,
the eggs might have too.Copy !req
103. Would somebody
look for dents, please?Copy !req
104. Then that other lady
could've gotten Mom's eggCopy !req
105. and Mom could've gotten her egg.Copy !req
106. - Yeah.
- Oh! Geez! Here's a dent.Copy !req
107. I'm pretty sure
there's brain damage.Copy !req
108. Wait a minute, everybody,
'cause I think this is big.Copy !req
109. Now, if you switched eggs,Copy !req
110. that means we could
have the wrong baby!Copy !req
111. - Wow!
- Hmm.Copy !req
112. The wrong baby?Copy !req
113. No! I refuse to
even consider it.Copy !req
114. And yet... hmm.Copy !req
115. Earl, you're not
seriously thinking...Copy !req
116. What? Me?Copy !req
117. No. I would never even suggestCopy !req
118. that our adorable
little cuddle bunnyCopy !req
119. might possibly belong
to another lucky family.Copy !req
120. The mind reels at the thoughtCopy !req
121. that some other
family might take awayCopy !req
122. our dimpled bundle of delightCopy !req
123. legally and forever.Copy !req
124. And who knows what we'd
be left with in exchange?Copy !req
125. The chances are that
we'd never get another childCopy !req
126. quite as precious as this one.Copy !req
127. Ha!Copy !req
128. Earl, he's our baby.
A mother knows.Copy !req
129. I don't know. The nest
is pretty suspicious.Copy !req
130. - He doesn't look like us.
- Yeah. He's pink.Copy !req
131. - None of us is pink. Isn't that weird?
- Very.Copy !req
132. Hey, we owe it to the childCopy !req
133. to explore even the most
terrible of possibilities.Copy !req
134. As awful as it must seem,Copy !req
135. and believe me, I
take no joy in this,Copy !req
136. we must call the Molehills.Copy !req
137. Well, I don't know
about that, Earl.Copy !req
138. What if there's a problem?Copy !req
139. That would be terrible.Copy !req
140. Come on, come on.Copy !req
141. Earl, you're not looking
forward to this, are you?Copy !req
142. No, dear. It's merely
a brave facade.Copy !req
143. On the inside
I'm full of despair.Copy !req
144. Whoa! Coming!Copy !req
145. Hey, how you doing?Copy !req
146. Gus Molehill, gotta love me!Copy !req
147. Gotta love me!Copy !req
148. Hey, nice digs. What
do you do for food here?Copy !req
149. Earl, I'm still not convinced.Copy !req
150. Hey, this is my wife Glenda.Copy !req
151. And this is my boy Aubrey.Copy !req
152. So you must be the mama.Copy !req
153. Yes.Copy !req
154. I guess that makes
you not the mama!Copy !req
155. Not the mama!Copy !req
156. Fran, he's a cute green kid.Copy !req
157. Hey, my boy looks
just like you, Earl.Copy !req
158. Piggyback horsy! Piggyback!Copy !req
159. I love this kid!
He cracks me up!Copy !req
160. Am I crazy or what?Copy !req
161. Again!Copy !req
162. Hi, there, little fella.Copy !req
163. Juice? Is something wrong?Copy !req
164. You're not gonna hit me?Copy !req
165. Dear me, no. I just thought
you might enjoy a beverage.Copy !req
166. It's quite refreshing.Copy !req
167. And with the safety nipple,
you eliminate nasty spills.Copy !req
168. - Hey, this tastes great!
- Mmm.Copy !req
169. You're a mighty
nice little fella.Copy !req
170. Oh, please, it's
the least I can do.Copy !req
171. After all, you've been
such a gracious host.Copy !req
172. Oh!Copy !req
173. Thank you.Copy !req
174. You know, this is my nest.Copy !req
175. Isn't it funny how these
silly little mix-ups happen?Copy !req
176. This is horrible.Copy !req
177. It can't be happening.Copy !req
178. This rattle is fun and soothing.Copy !req
179. It's my gift to you.Copy !req
180. It's pretty obvious what
happened here, huh, Earl?Copy !req
181. I got your kid. You got mine.Copy !req
182. Guess we got our eggs scrambled!Copy !req
183. "Eggs scrambled."
Hey, that's great.Copy !req
184. Hey, thanks for
taking care of the kid.Copy !req
185. You know where to
send his clothes, don't ya?Copy !req
186. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
187. He's had all his
inoculations, hasn't he?Copy !req
188. I... Stop right there!Copy !req
189. - Put my baby down!
- Uh...Copy !req
190. Sweetheart, haven't
you been listening?Copy !req
191. He's not our baby.Copy !req
192. If you let our baby
go out that door,Copy !req
193. I'll bite your face off!Copy !req
194. Well, you can't
argue with that logic.Copy !req
195. You could, but it would
be hard without lips.Copy !req
196. How can you let this happen?Copy !req
197. Aw, honey, I know it's
upsetting to lose your child,Copy !req
198. but, well, have you seen
the one we're getting?Copy !req
199. - You...
- We're not
exactly trading down.Copy !req
200. Nobody is switching babiesCopy !req
201. until I see some absolute proof!Copy !req
202. I will run a series of
scientific tests on the babiesCopy !req
203. and compare our
results in the labCopy !req
204. with these blood samples
taken from each father.Copy !req
205. Boy, did that hurt. Huh, Earl?Copy !req
206. That didn't hurt a bit.Copy !req
207. I just want this settled,
once and for all, doctor, -Copy !req
208. so I can take my
baby and go home.Copy !req
209. Hey, my baby, your baby,Copy !req
210. let's let the
expert decide that,Copy !req
211. huh, sweetheart?Copy !req
212. Now, listen here, you...Copy !req
213. No, no, no, these
battery of testsCopy !req
214. will determine correct parentageCopy !req
215. beyond any reasonable doubt.Copy !req
216. They represent the
absolute vanguardCopy !req
217. of primitive science.Copy !req
218. You're a quack!Copy !req
219. Shh. He's a distinguished
man of science.Copy !req
220. - Shh!
- Shh!Copy !req
221. Quiet!Copy !req
222. Oh! Sorry.Copy !req
223. Professor, you have a lot
of electricity working here.Copy !req
224. I just thought I should tell
you about a health condition...Copy !req
225. More juice!Copy !req
226. Again!Copy !req
227. Again! Again! Again!Copy !req
228. Round and round.Copy !req
229. Let's go!Copy !req
230. Yahoo! Faster!Copy !req
231. I have your test
results right here.Copy !req
232. I know you're
anxious to hear them.Copy !req
233. I'm just awaiting one
crucial piece of informationCopy !req
234. before I can
release them to you.Copy !req
235. - Yes?
- La la.Copy !req
236. The credit card
cleared. Thank you.Copy !req
237. - Yeah!
- Oh, thank God. Good.Copy !req
238. OK.Copy !req
239. Here goes.Copy !req
240. The green baby
belongs to the Sinclairs,Copy !req
241. and the pink baby
belongs to the Molehills.Copy !req
242. Science has spoken.Copy !req
243. Now, take your babies, go homeCopy !req
244. and live the rest of your lives.Copy !req
245. All right, son. I'll toss
you the ball and you hit it.Copy !req
246. - As you wish, Father.
- Batter up.Copy !req
247. - Oh! Heavens, missed that one.
- Oh, bad throw! Sorry!Copy !req
248. Another of my nose bleeds.Copy !req
249. If you could just
get me a tissue.Copy !req
250. Robbie, get your
brother a tissue.Copy !req
251. Aw, geez, is he bleeding again?Copy !req
252. I have a weak nasal membrane.Copy !req
253. He's got a membrane.
Get him a tissue!Copy !req
254. That's all I do is bring him
tissues and Q-tips and cotton balls.Copy !req
255. Could I trouble
you for tweezers?Copy !req
256. I've gotten a splinter
from this rough-hewn bat.Copy !req
257. Shh! Don't talk.
You'll pull a muscle.Copy !req
258. Uh... tell you what.Copy !req
259. Let's play something
a little less physical.Copy !req
260. How about a game of peek-a-boo?Copy !req
261. - OK.
- All right.Copy !req
262. Now cover your
eyes. I'll cover mine.Copy !req
263. Now, where's Daddy?
Where did he go?Copy !req
264. - Father, Father! Where have you gone?
- Huh?Copy !req
265. Oh, oh! Don't abandon me!Copy !req
266. I'm having an asthma attack!Copy !req
267. It's all right. I'm
here. Daddy's here!Copy !req
268. - Where's my inhaler?
- Inhaler? Inhaler?Copy !req
269. Here it is. Here it is.Copy !req
270. Ahh!Copy !req
271. Oh, what a cruel, cruel game.Copy !req
272. I felt so alone.Copy !req
273. Promise me you'll never
play that again, Father.Copy !req
274. I promise, I promise.
Just don't bleed.Copy !req
275. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.Copy !req
276. Hi, I'm back from the market.Copy !req
277. I got nearly everything
on Aubrey's listCopy !req
278. except the low-sodium
goat cheeseCopy !req
279. and sugar-free tofu
teething cookies.Copy !req
280. Perhaps you could pop out after
supper and check other stores.Copy !req
281. Did you manage to
change the linens in my crib?Copy !req
282. They were left in quite a
state by your previous child.Copy !req
283. My previous child?Copy !req
284. Come on, Frannie!Copy !req
285. Our real son is
celebrating his first birthday.Copy !req
286. My baby is one year
old, and I'm not there!Copy !req
287. I just want to crawl
into the woods and die!Copy !req
288. Cake time!Copy !req
289. Charlene, your mother
wants some cake.Copy !req
290. Fran, hey, no wonder
you're feeling down.Copy !req
291. You don't have a party hat.Copy !req
292. Oh, my baby has
been taken from me!Copy !req
293. Oh, cake, cake!
Cake, cake, cake, cake!Copy !req
294. - That's it. Come on.
- Here you go, Mom.Copy !req
295. I want the knife!
Give me the knife!Copy !req
296. No cake. No cake.Copy !req
297. What's the matter with Mom?Copy !req
298. She's overwhelmed
with happiness.Copy !req
299. - Well, I got the tissues.
- Give.Copy !req
300. - Huh?
- No! Come on,
sweetie, now cheer up.Copy !req
301. We're celebrating a
new addition to our family.Copy !req
302. - Everyone else is happy.
- I'm not.Copy !req
303. Me, either. The kid's a
real zero. Oh, no offense.Copy !req
304. None taken. Fortunately,
I'm very well-adjusted.Copy !req
305. You guys have
got this all wrong.Copy !req
306. This kid is the best!Copy !req
307. Hey, watch this.Copy !req
308. All right. Aubrey?Copy !req
309. Yes?Copy !req
310. - Here's a big bat.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
311. - Here's a big fat head.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
312. Now, what you gonna do about it?Copy !req
313. Um... Um...Copy !req
314. Um...Copy !req
315. I haven't the foggiest.Copy !req
316. Hey, is that the greatest?Copy !req
317. Well, I'm happy.Copy !req
318. I'll get it.Copy !req
319. I don't care what science says.Copy !req
320. I don't care what you say.Copy !req
321. I want my baby back!Copy !req
322. - My baby!
- Oh, my baby!Copy !req
323. - It's the mama! Ahh!
- Oh!Copy !req
324. People must be warned.Copy !req
325. That child is totally,
totally horrible!Copy !req
326. Well, he does have high spirits.Copy !req
327. He spit up all over the carpet!Copy !req
328. What toddler hasn't?Copy !req
329. - After eating the cat!
- Eew.Copy !req
330. Take your hands off my son!Copy !req
331. I won't let that little pink
monster back in my house!Copy !req
332. Well, I'm not giving him up.Copy !req
333. I'm nuts for the kid! We bonded!Copy !req
334. Whoa! Aah! Aah!Copy !req
335. Aah! Make a wish.Copy !req
336. Earl, help me!Copy !req
337. With you in a minute!Copy !req
338. Let go of my boy!Copy !req
339. My arms have a
tendency to dislocate!Copy !req
340. Stop it! You're adults.Copy !req
341. Can't you settle
this like adults?Copy !req
342. What, weapons?Copy !req
343. Costly litigation?Copy !req
344. No. Solomon the Great.Copy !req
345. - Oh! Solomon.
- Yeah.Copy !req
346. The great judge.Copy !req
347. Yeah, he could settle
this once and for all.Copy !req
348. He's the wisest
dinosaur of them all.Copy !req
349. Capital idea.Copy !req
350. If he's so wise, how come
he doesn't have a house?Copy !req
351. You seek an audience
with Solomon the Great?Copy !req
352. Right, Your Wiseness.Copy !req
353. You ask that I decide the
rightful parents of the pink child?Copy !req
354. Yes, please.Copy !req
355. If I am to resolve this dispute,Copy !req
356. you must agree to abide by
my decision without question.Copy !req
357. Mm-hm.Copy !req
358. And you?Copy !req
359. - Sure thing.
- We do.Copy !req
360. You claim this pink
baby as your own?Copy !req
361. Well, I do.Copy !req
362. You also claim this boy?Copy !req
363. With all my heart.Copy !req
364. Then, in my divine wisdom,Copy !req
365. there is only one
equitable solution:Copy !req
366. To divide the child in two.Copy !req
367. - Huh?
- Oh.Copy !req
368. Earl, we can't let him do this.Copy !req
369. Silence!Copy !req
370. Do not question the
wisdom of Solomon the Great.Copy !req
371. My powers are beyond the
comprehension of mere mortals.Copy !req
372. And now I shall perform
the miracle of divine justiceCopy !req
373. with the help of my
lovely assistant Ramona!Copy !req
374. Oh!Copy !req
375. Yes.Copy !req
376. Yeah!Copy !req
377. Ha!Copy !req
378. Nice box.Copy !req
379. Mr. Sinclair, if you would,Copy !req
380. bring me the pink baby.Copy !req
381. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
382. Now, place the child
completely in the box,Copy !req
383. head there, feet here.Copy !req
384. Head there, feet
there. Watch it.Copy !req
385. Mr. Sinclair, we've never
met before, is that correct, sir?Copy !req
386. Yes, that is correct, sir.Copy !req
387. And no money has
changed hands between us?Copy !req
388. None whatsoever.Copy !req
389. Well, then how do I
have... your wallet?Copy !req
390. Wow!Copy !req
391. That's wonderful!Copy !req
392. Yay! Yay!Copy !req
393. Mr. Sinclair, as you can see,Copy !req
394. this is an ordinary box.Copy !req
395. There are no hidden panels,
so secret compartments,Copy !req
396. just a simple, wooden box.Copy !req
397. Yes, it looks OK to me.Copy !req
398. You may step back
now. Thank you.Copy !req
399. How about a hand
for Mr. Sinclair?Copy !req
400. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
401. And thank you.Copy !req
402. - Look. It's empty.
- And now...Copy !req
403. for the moment of justice.Copy !req
404. Ramona!Copy !req
405. The blades!Copy !req
406. Blades! What?Copy !req
407. Yes. Hup!Copy !req
408. No flash photography, please.Copy !req
409. And now, one child
shall become two!Copy !req
410. Unless somebody
has a problem with that.Copy !req
411. - Stop!
- Yes. That's it.Copy !req
412. I can't let you do this. I
can't let you harm our child.Copy !req
413. I would rather let the other
family take him than see him hurt.Copy !req
414. Oh, Frannie, how
can we let him go?Copy !req
415. He's ours.Copy !req
416. You really want him back, Earl?Copy !req
417. I do.Copy !req
418. This is great!Copy !req
419. I am truly moved
by your selflessnessCopy !req
420. and love for this child.Copy !req
421. But too late!Copy !req
422. No!Copy !req
423. Again!Copy !req
424. Oh!Copy !req
425. There.Copy !req
426. Oh, don't look at me like that.Copy !req
427. I'm so, so sorry, little feet.Copy !req
428. I promise I'll
make it up to you.Copy !req
429. We can't play baseball,
but I can teach you soccer.Copy !req
430. Doh!Copy !req
431. Not the mama!Copy !req
432. Oh, nice kick!Copy !req
433. That's my half-boy.Copy !req
434. This stinks!Copy !req
435. What am I gonna
do with half a kid?Copy !req
436. Come on, Glenda, let's grab
the kid that's still in one pieceCopy !req
437. before they start
dicing him up too.Copy !req
438. Here you go, Sinclair.
You can take my half.Copy !req
439. I'll take it.Copy !req
440. Good luck to you.Copy !req
441. Goodbye, erstwhile Mom and Dad.Copy !req
442. - Thank you for
the kind hospitality.
- Yeah.Copy !req
443. He's my son... or sons.Copy !req
444. I don't care if they cut
him up into 1,000 pieces,Copy !req
445. I'd still take him home.Copy !req
446. Of course, I'd have to
make a few more trips, but...Copy !req
447. I'd still do it.Copy !req
448. Now, those were the words
that I was waiting to hear,Copy !req
449. that you love and accept
the child unconditionally.Copy !req
450. That is the sign
of a true parent.Copy !req
451. And so you shall have your
child back, complete and whole.Copy !req
452. Ramona!Copy !req
453. Ah. Ah. Ah.Copy !req
454. Ow! Again!Copy !req
455. Ah. Ta-da!Copy !req
456. My baby!Copy !req
457. It's the mama!Copy !req
458. Great to have you back, kid!Copy !req
459. You know, Fran, there's only
one thing that gnaws at me.Copy !req
460. Science has told us that
he's not really our child.Copy !req
461. I only wish there was some
way I could change that.Copy !req
462. Ahh, a request
from the audience.Copy !req
463. Ramona! The grand finale!Copy !req
464. Oh!Copy !req
465. There was a mix-up at the lab.Copy !req
466. My findings are
entirely incorrect.Copy !req
467. I apologize completely.Copy !req
468. Yay!Copy !req
469. - That takes care of that.
- Yeah!Copy !req
470. Well, you've been
a terrific audience.Copy !req
471. That's our show. Thank
you and good night.Copy !req
472. Hey, Fran, isn't it wonderful that
we live in such a modern age?Copy !req
473. Oh, yes.Copy !req