Dimension 20 1x1

1. - Welcome one and all to Dimension 20.

2. Our cast of players will assume the role

3. of heroic adventurers embarking on a dangerous quest.

4. Our story takes place in the world of Spyre.

5. Spyre mostly conforms to your expectations

6. for a world of swords and sorcery

7. with one notable exception, and that's Elmville.

8. Elmville is a little town in a nation called Solace.

9. Solace may be home to elves, orcs, dwarfs, and gnomes,

10. but it resembles more of a 1950s through 1980s America.

11. There are several schools in Elmville,

12. but our story begins at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy,

13. the world's premiere training ground for would-be heroes.

14. Our story begins with six freshmen

15. on their first day of school,

16. and the first bell's just about to ring.

17. Without any further ado, Dimension 20 proudly presents,

18. Fantasy High!

19. My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan.

20. I'm the dungeon master for you guys this evening.

21. We're gonna be playing a little bit of a

22. tabletop RPG here with the CollegeHumor cast.

23. Say hi, guys.

24. This is Miss Emily Axford.

25. - Not today, but yeah.

26. - Zac Oyama.

27. - Also not today.

28. - Siobhan Thompson.

29. - I refuse it, take it back.

30. - Lou Wilson?

31. - I'll take it.

32. - Ally Beardsley. - Sure.

33. - And Brian Murphy. - As Riz Gukgak.

34. - There it is.

35. - We're gonna be playing a little role playing game

36. for you guys, thanks for coming and playing with us.

37. This season marks the beginning of our adventure

38. into the world of Fantasy High,

39. where we ask the question that has long gone unasked.

40. What would happen if John Hughes ran a game

41. of a tabletop RPG, and we're gonna find out today.

42. Swords, high school, puberty, magic,

43. it's all coming together.

44. We're going to descend to somebody's home,

45. why don't we have this decided by a roll of the dice?

46. That feels fine to me. - Oh no.

47. - Oh yes.

48. Sweaty palms.

49. - Hell yeah, we're gonna go downtown.

50. - Yep.

51. - As the clouds part, a flock of gulls flies

52. over the Marigold River heading down

53. to an area of wealth and expansive taste.

54. It's downtown Elmville, and we see

55. that amongst the manors there is a colossal

56. gilded man o'war, a pirate ship,

57. great and mighty that has been dry docked

58. and dragged out of the river, all the way up

59. onto land and turned into a mansion.

60. We see vast hedgerows and various bankers

61. and also pirates dragging chests of gold

62. up through hedge mazes and topiary and fountains,

63. and we see, out on a little, sort of clay patio,

64. Lou, would you describe yourself for the other players?

65. - Oh, of course, hello, I'm Fabian Aramais Seacaster,

66. I'm a half elf, I'm, of course, the son

67. of the famous William Seacaster, the great adventurer

68. who sailed the Celestine Sea, freeing slaves

69. and raising up nations.

70. I'm a fencer by trade, I also know how to glass blow

71. and I'm quite good at calligraphy.

72. And I am absolutely thrilled to be here

73. at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy.

74. Very excited to kind of start on my adventure

75. of becoming an adventurer much like my father,

76. that I may too, one day, take up the mantle

77. of the Seacaster name and sow my heroism across Spyre.

78. - You're out on a lovely day,

79. you wake up early in the morning,

80. you had a great green protein shake

81. made by your halfling maid Cathilda,

82. and you're out on the patio with your fencing instructor,

83. Herzon, practicing. - Fantastic.

84. - There's the sound of swords and sabers ringing off

85. of each other, Fabian, what does your character

86. look like so that we know?

87. - I'm six one, white hair, a relative,

88. like a thinner, like a very, how would you say?

89. - Lean, athletic? - There you go.

90. Lean muscle, that's what I was looking for.

91. - Whoo. - Oh.

92. - Very lean muscle, very dexterous,

93. but also incredibly strong.

94. - Like a soccer player or a swimmer?

95. - So like a swimmer's body? - Yeah.

96. A real Michael Phelps type. - Oooh.

97. - Oh okay, shoulders, hello.

98. - For those of you at home, but yeah.

99. - Picture Michael Phelps with a sword.

100. - And white hair - Such a tiny sword

101. in comparison to the size of his body.

102. - As Herzon and you fence, your mother,

103. Hilariel Seacaster, a high elf

104. with beautiful long flowing hair and sort of,

105. kind of like a fusion kimono,

106. some kind of silk garment— - Oh my god.

107. I love her. - Hanging off one shoulder.

108. As an elf, she's immortal, so she looks

109. about as, you just like early 20s,

110. even though she's about 200 years old.

111. She has just a huge goblet of wine,

112. it's about 9:30 a.m. in the morning.

113. - Oh mama. - She goes,

114. "Darling, you look wonderful, are you winning the fight,

115. "'cause I don't—"

116. - Oh mama, Herzon is really giving it to me today,

117. but don't worry, I'll best him yet.

118. - Herzon, let my boy win.

119. Let him win, my sweet boy, sweet boy.

120. - Herzon, don't you dare take it easy on me, all right,

121. I need to be strong.

122. - Of course, I would never take it easy on you.

123. You are a champion, you have the gift of your father.

124. - Yes. - You hear a voice say,

125. "Did someone mention the man of the house?"

126. - Oh, Papa! - Stomping out

127. of a gold archway is the most piraty fuckin' pirate

128. you ever seen in your life, tri-corner hat,

129. eye patch, saber at his side, a long coat.

130. In this, weird 1950s suburb, he sticks out

131. like a fuckin' sore thumb.

132. Your father made his wealth by means

133. that some call heroic and others would call evil,

134. but those are, anyone's gonna talk

135. about someone who's achieved greatness.

136. He swaggers out onto the patio

137. and says, "My dear darling boy, there he is,

138. "the apple of my eye, my pride and joy."

139. - Oh, Papa.

140. - As he grabs your head and kisses you on both cheeks

141. and goes, "Now, today is your first day of school,

142. "all right, now, I never had much in the way

143. "of book learnin', never was raised in no school

144. "of any kind, so here's what you do on your first day,

145. "all right, now I've asked around.

146. "You find the biggest and meanest man there."

147. - Yes, Papa. - Mmmm.

148. - Go up to him, and you drive your fist

149. hard and strong right into his stomach

150. and send him to his knee. - Yes, Papa.

151. That's what I'll do, just like you would've done

152. if you ever went to school.

153. - That's right, my sweet boy.

154. Now, I have a little present for you,

155. if you're so inclined. - Oh.

156. Papa.

157. - You see he reaches into a bag and pulls out

158. a red and white Aguefort letter jacket

159. for the bloodrush team, the Aguefort Owlbears.

160. - Oh, Papa!

161. - He hands it to you and says,

162. "Oh my boy, my sweet boy, now, technically,

163. "you're not on the team yet.

164. "They're going to have some informal tryouts today,

165. "mainly for people that are comin' back

166. "and have played earlier season.

167. "Now, you're a freshman, but I've had

168. "a little bit of a conversation with Coach Daybreak,

169. "who is the coach of the Owlbears over there,

170. "and I understand he'll be accommodating you,

171. "in terms of a tryout today."

172. - Oh, fantastic, Papa.

173. Thank you so much, I mean, the tryout's

174. just a simple formality, I mean, we both know

175. that I have the skills to be a champion.

176. - Of course, aye of course.

177. You're my son, you're a direct reflection of me.

178. - Yes. - You and your glory

179. is the same as my glory. - Yes it is.

180. - That's how we relate to each other.

181. - Exactly, Papa.

182. - That's how it goes. Now, in addition to your skill

183. and your talent and your raw power as a master of combat,

184. I've also paid a handsome sum of money

185. to Coach Daybreak, a bribe. - Well, of course.

186. - An illegal bribe. - I would do the exact same.

187. - Of course. - I would have done it

188. if you hadn't. - What do we say

189. is the relationship between luck and talent?

190. - 500 gold pieces.

191. - My sweet boy, I love you.

192. - I love you. - I love you.

193. - I love you. - See, he grabs your head

194. and kisses you on the forehead

195. and he looks over, you see that your mom

196. is just, literally, winking at Herzon

197. and waving over at him, and you see he goes,

198. "My darling wife, I'll be dead in the grave

199. "and she'll still be alive."

200. - I know that, Papa. - You know I'll die

201. before you, long before. - Yeah.

202. - The elven blood in you. - You tell me every day.

203. - Time ticks away, grain of sand by grain of sand.

204. - Yes, Papa, yes, of course, of course it does.

205. - We cannot live forever.

206. So what must we do to live forever?

207. Write our name on the face of the world

208. with our heroic deeds. - Yes, yes, of course, Papa.

209. Write my name on the face of the world with heroic deeds,

210. yeah, I will. - Good, that's all,

211. that's all it is. - Great, thank you.

212. - Now get yourself to school. - Okay, thanks, Papa.

213. - We are going to cut now to another one

214. of our brave adventurers. - Whoo.

215. - Oh boy, oh boy!

216. We're gonna cut over now to the neighborhood

217. of Elm Valley.

218. Oh Lord, save us, we are cutting over to Elm Valley now,

219. where we're going to go and meet our wonderful friend,

220. it's her first day of school at Aguefort,

221. it's Kristen Applebees.

222. Kristen Applebees, you're in your bedroom right now,

223. you've got an emblem of a cob of corn

224. in praise to Helio, the god of corn,

225. and his father, Sol, the god of the sun.

226. You have been touched by his spirit divine,

227. you have been sent to this world

228. to share the healing power of your god, amen.

229. - It's true.

230. - You see, describe your character,

231. and what they look like, what their room is like,

232. what's kind of going on. - Yeah, Kristen Applebees

233. is always wearing a tie-dye shirt from a summer camp

234. that she went to, like a religious summer camp.

235. She has red hair, freckles, she's like,

236. was made for camp.

237. She walks around with her leather Bible

238. that has her name engraved on the cover,

239. she's always holding it, and yeah,

240. she's big into the corn god.

241. - You hear a bunch of noise.

242. You have a one story, kinda like ranch house,

243. a little, that kind of like, Elm Valley

244. is a super conservative neighborhood.

245. Out in the living room there's like a sofa

246. like a playpen for your little brothers.

247. You hear your little brothers, Bucky, Bricker and Cork

248. are all out, just rolling around on the ground.

249. Their school starts a little bit later than yours does.

250. And you hear your dad, Mac, and your mom, Donna,

251. yelling out there, saying, "I swear to God,

252. "Bricker, if you don't give your dad back his halberd

253. "you're not gonna be able to play when you get home,

254. "all right, now say your prayers, wash your hands

255. "and get ready to get to school."

256. You hear a knock on the door.

257. And you hear the voice of your mom say,

258. "Kristen, you up in there?

259. "You almost ready to go to school sweetheart?"

260. - Sure am, I just finished praying.

261. - You see the door opens, and you see your mom

262. leans her head in, your mom's sort of a thickset woman.

263. She's got those little sort of short sleeved

264. mom shirt and the shorts, she's got hiking boots on.

265. Your mom and dad are human paladins.

266. They work for the border patrol,

267. going and making sure that people

268. from the Mountains of Chaos and monsters

269. don't get in, you see your mom says

270. "All right, say your prayers to the corn god,

271. "Helio, praise be." - I am, I'm almost done.

272. Just another hour. - All right, okay,

273. we're gonna be pretty late if you,

274. if you were gonna do a whole hour.

275. - I, okay, I guess I can, everything is a form of prayer,

276. so I guess I'll just go, let's go.

277. - See your mom gets a little misty eyed and she says,

278. "Oh, sweetheart, I am so glad that you were chosen

279. "and Pastor Amelia is so proud of you,

280. "listen, it's not too late for us to send you

281. "to Sun Peak to go train with the monk."

282. - No, mom, I wanna rub shoulders with real people.

283. I wanna go to parties and dump my beer

284. down the sink and refill the beer can with water

285. so no one feels weird around me.

286. - Gotcha.

287. Look, as you can see, she says, you see she says,

288. "Look, Helio asks us to live a pure life, right?

289. "I just, you're gonna be goin' to a school

290. "with elves and—" - Mom,

291. I think your and dad's stance is racist.

292. - I, okay. - You're only for humans

293. who look like you, have you ever looked at all your friends,

294. mom, do any of 'em look different?

295. - How can I be racist against an elf?

296. I never met one, I never met, I don't even know an elf!

297. - Exactly, you've never met one.

298. - Okay, okay, so this is— - You know what?

299. If Helio was here right now, he would pop out

300. of a corn husk,

301. he would pop into a million different pieces of himself,

302. and he would spread those pieces around

303. to all parts of the city.

304. He wouldn't just be hangin' out here.

305. - I, I, I, I, I, okay.

306. You know, I'm not smart enough to go toe to toe

307. with you Kristen. - Agh.

308. - I'm a simple woman, and you know, I haven't read the book

309. as close, I'm not chosen, so—

310. - You're really smart, Mom, okay?

311. I love you and I think you're really smart,

312. and I think you're relying on I don't know very much,

313. and I wanna hear you never say that again.

314. - You see that your Dad pokes his head and says,

315. "Everything all right in here?

316. "We're about to head out, or—"

317. - Yeah, we're fine, I'm gonna go meet

318. all my elf friends. - The hell?

319. You got elf friends already?

320. What the hell? - I hope so!

321. I hope I don't even have one human friend.

322. - All right, well you know everything,

323. you can talk to Helio, so you know, you would know.

324. You get piled into a station wagon,

325. you can see your little brothers bouncing around

326. in the backseat, you hear your dad turn

327. the elemental rune key that starts the engine up

328. and you guys start heading off.

329. You see your brother, Cork, who's your littlest brother

330. and he goes, "You go to 'Venture School?

331. - Mmmhmm. - You gonna fight a dragon?

332. - I hope so. - Really?

333. - Mmmhmm. - You're so cool.

334. - Do you wanna tissue?

335. Do you wanna wet nap?

336. Do you wanna tissue? - Huh?

337. I'm okay. - No.

338. - I've got crayon up there.

339. - What? - I gotta whole crayon.

340. - You have a whole crayon in your nose?

341. Here, oh god. - Jesus.

342. - You see that a small bit of light covers his nose.

343. Ahhhhh!

344. - What, you heal your brother back there?

345. - Yes. - Well, you know what?

346. I got no worries about you.

347. You guys take off.

348. Ooh baby, here's the next one.

349. It's really feeling...

350. So, it's pretty early.

351. It's a misty gray kinda morning over in Little Branch.

352. Little Branch is the area of town where the small folk live.

353. There's a lot of miniature houses over there,

354. and we see over in a little corner of a neighborhood,

355. sort of far away, there's a tree,

356. and it's a tree with a little door in it

357. and there's little windows and little pulleys

358. and kites and all kinds of things of gnomish make,

359. clever little contraptions and wonderful things

360. and there, in the middle of the tree,

361. standing up from a bed that fills up the entire tree

362. at almost, sort of a slant, even,

363. the face sort of pressed up against the windowsill,

364. is Gorgug Thistlespring, Gorgug, can you tell us

365. sort of what you look like and what you're doin' right now?

366. - Uh, yeah, I'm Gorgug, I'm 14.

367. I'm six feet, four inches tall.

368. I'm a lot bigger than this house that I'm in.

369. I kinda don't have a lot of friends.

370. I'm not good, really, at talking to people.

371. I like keeping to myself and just sort of drawing

372. or something or listening to music.

373. I'm adopted, by the way, my parents are little gnomes,

374. and I'm a lot bigger than them.

375. Last night I broke my bed in my sleep.

376. - Aww. - Again.

377. I just like to keep to myself.

378. - Well, Gorgug is there in his gray hoodie,

379. he's got his headphones on, listening to some music.

380. - Ahhh.

381. - Evanescence, no doubt.

382. - And you see that it's pretty early

383. and you see that coming in from the workshop,

384. your adoptive mom and dad, Digby and Wilma Thistlespring

385. are tinkerers, and you see they come in.

386. Your dad's kinda got this muttonchops

387. and he's bald, he's got these sort of goggles on.

388. Your mom's kinda like the little, sort of,

389. workshop bandana around her head,

390. they both have aprons on and have their little curly,

391. pointed shoes, you see your dad and mom both walk in,

392. and your mom goes, "Well, hey there, sweetie,

393. "you're already up." - Yeah, I got up pretty early.

394. I broke my bed again. - Oh, sweetheart,

395. that's no problem, aww, on the first day of school.

396. You see that your dad immediately goes over

397. and starts doing some gnomish spell,

398. takes up a hammer and starts

399. mending it with magic, and you see he says,

400. "Hey, you know what?

401. "Sometimes a thing gets broken,

402. "and when you rebuild it, it's stronger for it, you know?

403. "A lotta things are like that.

404. "You put a sword in a steel forge,

405. "you gotta beat the hell outta that thing

406. "to get it nice and hard and sharp, you know?

407. "Breaking things isn't bad."

408. - I mean, you keep saying that, but I keep breaking things.

409. - It's always good, it's always good

410. that you're break, you know— - I had a weird dream

411. where I got really mad, and then I woke up

412. and my bed was broken. - Okay.

413. - So you guys have dreams where you're mad all the time?

414. - You see that Digby and Wilma look at each other and go,

415. "Well, sure, sure." - Really?

416. I was just thinking about, I've never seen you mad.

417. - Well, you didn't see me when the, your old Pa here

418. dropped a screwdriver on my dang thumb.

419. I was fit to, you know, I said, "Hey, you know,

420. "watch it, buster!"

421. He really got it. - You were so mad

422. and you said, "Hey, watch it, buster!"?

423. - Well, yeah.

424. - I feel like my insides are boiling.

425. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - When I'm mad.

426. I'm not mad right now.

427. - Okay, that's, hey, you know what?

428. Everybody gets mad sometimes, and you know,

429. one thing you can think about when you're going to school

430. is hey, things aren't going my way,

431. I'm getting pretty PO'd.

432. You know what I'm gonna do?

433. I'm gonna sing a song. - Sing a song?

434. - Your mom grabs a little harp

435. and your dad grabs a little ukelele

436. and they start sort of harmonizing, and they go like,

437. - I'm glad. - That's right.

438. That's right, bud, so just sing that song

439. around the other high schoolers if you start feeling upset.

440. - Okay, I gotta go.

441. - See, Gorgug, you walk out, you see your mom

442. by the door, hands you a little tin flower.

443. And you see, she says, "Now, another thing,

444. "that back at Oakshield you had, you know,

445. "it was a little bit of a hurdle

446. "trying to, it was a bit, we had a little bit

447. "of a hard time trying to make pals, right?

448. "But making pals is just like making a flower,

449. "you know, you think—"

450. - It's just like making a flower?

451. - Sure, everything's just like something else.

452. - Oh— - You just—

453. - Please don't sing another song.

454. You see your dad softly puts his ukelele

455. put that down,

456. you see your mom goes, "Well, with a flower,

457. "you think, hey, what should that thing look like?

458. "And how would I make it, and what would I do?

459. "and you're thoughtful, and then, and then

460. "you're real careful with it, and then you put the work

461. "and you put the elbow grease in

462. "and you do it with love the whole time.

463. "And if you just go be yourself,

464. "be your great good self with your great big heart

465. "I just know you'll make some friends, bud."

466. - Okay, thank you, Mom, I'll go to school

467. and I'll try to make a friend today.

468. - Maybe give him the flower!

469. - I don't— - Maybe give him the flower!

470. You know? - Thanks for the flower.

471. - That could make a friend.

472. - I'm gonna buy a friend with a flower.

473. - Well, it's not buy a gift as in buying, you know,

474. a gift isn't buying something, you know,

475. and you give someone a compliment,

476. is that buying something something?

477. Or give you someone a smile?

478. - No, okay. - Give someone a smile?

479. You ever do that?

480. Wow, yeah them tusks, them tusks are really comin' in, bud.

481. - They're so big.

482. - We're going to cut now, let's see here, ooh boy.

483. We will now go little bit north of here to Clearbrook.

484. - Oh my goodness.

485. - Here in the neighborhood of Clearbrook,

486. we now venture through the lofty woods

487. and the shaded streets to the Abernant residence,

488. where we find ourselves at the breakfast table

489. with Mr. Angwyn Abernant, Miss Arianwen Abernant,

490. Miss Aelwyn Abernant, and Miss Adaine Abernant,

491. at a small breakfast nook with crystalline windows,

492. small spinning elven pylon of pure runic magical energy,

493. small unseen servants, little air elementals

494. whisk eggs and tea and other things like that

495. to the table back and forth.

496. You see that your father, the elven diplomat

497. from Falinel reads the paper and ruffles it.

498. Your mother, a professor at Hudol

499. looks down at her tea and goes over

500. her curriculum for the day,

501. and your older sister, prim, proper and perfect

502. in her Hudol uniform, sits next to you.

503. Describe your character to us, if you'd be so kind.

504. I'm Adaine Abernant, I'm the daughter

505. of the elvish ambassador.

506. I was at Hudol, but unfortunately, I failed

507. the entrance exam to get into the upper school

508. because I had a little bit of panic attack,

509. but Aguefort's good too, Aguefort's,

510. I'm happy to be at Aguefort, that's good.

511. It's like actually, I'm better at the practical applications

512. of magic anyway, and I'm good I, I, I,

513. it's good, I'm excited to go.

514. - Bloody good.

515. - So at the table, you see that your father

516. sort of ruffles the paper and says,

517. "Hoo, ghastly business, that.

518. "I'm sure this will come out at our next meeting

519. "at the council, it's dreadful, that's really dreadful."

520. - I hate it when you do that. - What's that?

521. - You say a thing is dreadful but you don't say what it is.

522. - Do you want to know? - I don't know!

523. - Adaine, an inquiring mind is one that sees before it

524. the opportunity for knowledge and strives to move forward.

525. Your sister, Aelwyn, for example,

526. I trust that when she wants to know something she will ask.

527. That's the mind of a researcher rather than sort of

528. the responsive, more visceral attitude

529. of a practical caster, you understand.

530. - If you really wanted us to know things,

531. you'd get us papers ourselves, except you sit here

532. and you say, "Oh gosh, terrible, oh drat,

533. "what a thing," and then I have to ask you,

534. instead of you saying, "Oh look, here's some actual

535. "practical information that you might want to know."

536. - You see, your sister says, "I get the paper

537. "on my crystal, do you not, I get it on my crystal."

538. - I'm not allowed a crystal because I failed

539. the entrance exam. - That's right.

540. You're not allowed a crystal.

541. Well, I'm sure if you kill a hobgoblin

542. maybe you'll, what are the sort of things

543. they do at Aguefort, I'm not sure.

544. It's an honest question, do you kill hobgoblins at this—

545. - I cast Ray of Sickness underneath the kitchen table.

546. - You see your sister goes

547. and vomits all—

548. - Oh dear.

549. I mean, I think that maybe my sister is too sick

550. to go to school today. - Now, now, children.

551. No offensive spell casting at the nook.

552. That's going to take a whole prestidigitation

553. to clean up, Arianwen, do you want to do that?

554. Very well, father.

555. Your mother swirls her hand and says, "Adaine,

556. "I don't understand why you and your sister

557. "can't simply get along?" - Why don't you ask her?

558. Why do you always ask me?

559. - Well, I don't know, I don't choose to examine that.

560. I'm rather busy, I'm trying to get this curriculum today.

561. - Yes, of course, you're rather busy for me.

562. - You see that she looks over at your father,

563. immediately ignoring that very pointed statement

564. that you just made, and says, "Dear,

565. "do tell me what you see in the news."

566. He says, "Well, the elven oracle has died in a shipwreck.

567. "Very dreadful business, on her way from Falanel

568. "to Bastion City, looks like her ship, the Cerulean,

569. "just went down, dreadful affair.

570. "Ought to be dealing with that, I'm sure the art magi

571. "will have no end of talking about what's to be done.

572. "Terrible." - She can't have been

573. that good an oracle if she didn't see the storm coming.

574. - Adaine! - I, what, why?

575. - You see, Aelwyn goes

576. "Now, really, Adaine, that's much too much."

577. - I'm just saying. - Stinks.

578. Your sort of breakfast concludes, your father

579. gives you a very chaste kiss on the head

580. and your sister, so your mother gets up

581. and says, "I trust that you girls won't see us off."

582. She says, "Aelwyn, if you'd like to take the car

583. "you can do that, and Adaine, I understand

584. "that there's a bus that goes to Aguefort?"

585. - I mean, other people's parents might have

586. found that out for them. - Well, I think

587. this is a very wonderful time for you to apply

588. some of your divination casting,

589. perhaps gaze into a crystal ball,

590. see if the bus is coming to a certain place.

591. That's sort of the thing they value there, isn't it?

592. - Very well, I shall find my own way to school.

593. - That's my good girl, so she kisses you on the head.

594. You get your stuff and get ready to head out.

595. You've got kind of this little prep uniform as well.

596. Your father walks over to you and says,

597. "Oh, Adaine, before you go, I'd like to give you something."

598. You see he takes this big crystal orb

599. out from a satchel, you see he says,

600. "This is an arcane focus that an old friend of mine,

601. "a warcaster from the military in Falanel

602. "employed for his spellcasting.

603. "I've had no use for an arcane focus,

604. "but I understand you'll be spellcasting

605. "under adverse conditions, so perhaps

606. "it would be of some use to you."

607. - Thank you, father. - Oh, you're very welcome.

608. Here you are. - It's very, it's very big.

609. - What's that? - Thank you.

610. - Why would it be impractical to fight

611. with a two foot diameter orb?

612. Wouldn't a large orb, it helps you focus the spell energy.

613. I'm trying, Adaine, I really do try my best.

614. I don't know what to tell you, Adaine,

615. this is a touching gift from a friend of mine.

616. You don't like it, you can give it back, that's fine.

617. - No, I, thank you, thank you, father.

618. I'll put it in my backpack.

619. I guess. - I don't think it'll fit,

620. but try your best. - Then I will, I'll carry it

621. in my hands to school on my first day of school.

622. I'm sure it will make a great impression

623. with these new people. - You see that your father

624. ducks away, you and Aelwyn start walking,

625. and you see that she looks over at you,

626. and she says, "That was a mean trick with the vomit

627. "and all that, I don't ever cast spells at you."

628. - Yes you do, all the time.

629. - Well, mine are always funnier, you know,

630. they have a ironic sort of twist.

631. - I cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter.

632. - Make a saving throw, if you'd be so kind

633. for Tasha's Hideous Laughter.

634. - Oh. - What'd you roll?

635. - A four, do I have points to add to it, that—

636. - Did she reverse it at her?

637. - That she does. - Oh, ho ho ho, that's badass.

638. Sorry your sister's a fucking badass

639. - Trying to look like I'm not panicking,

640. just still laughing like a crazy person.

641. - Your sister is so cool. - Oh no.

642. - I love your sister. - And on top of it her,

643. her uniform is just slightly better fitting.

644. - Make a wisdom roll for your wisdom save.

645. - Four plus wisdom, four's not gonna do it.

646. - Great.

647. - You start cackling

648. like a lunatic.

649. Also gonna need to have you make a wisdom saving throw

650. for your panic attack condition.

651. - 20, 18 plus two. - 18 plus two.

652. Cool, so you don't go into a panic attack

653. but you do start laughing like a lunatic.

654. You see, she says, "See, for example,

655. "I just said that my spells were funny,

656. "and I've turned your laughter spell

657. "back on you, which is both ironic and funny,

658. "which are the two things that I said my spells are like.

659. "And I didn't even have to use a spell slot,

660. "isn't that something—" - I'm going to learn

661. so many spells and screw you, this is my only game

662. in going to this school, to find a group of people

663. to destroy your fucking life.

664. - You see she says, "I'm sure you will,

665. "you're going to join one of those little arcane

666. "secret societies, go oooh—"

667. - I punch her in the face.

668. - Go ahead and make an attack roll.

669. - Did you use up all your spell slots on your sister?

670. - You just died

671. in your opening. - Three.

672. - Three, you, boy, your skinny elven fist

673. whiffs right past her face, and she says,

674. she says, "That sort of pure brute physical violence,

675. "I'm sure that'll earn you all sorts

676. "of credit at this school for brawling, that's lovely.

677. "Well done," you see she says, "Can I,

678. "before you injure yourself by trying to attack me,

679. "can I just be very clear about something?

680. "Look," she says, "I,

681. "it's awful that you got kicked out of Hudol.

682. "It's awful, it doesn't reflect well on our family,

683. "but that's not even the reason."

684. - I punch her in the face again.

685. - Eight.

686. - Eight, she says, "Really, stop,

687. "what's to gain at this point by throwing punches?"

688. - The game is me hitting you

689. in the face. - And so she says,

690. "I'm trying to help."

691. - No, you're trying to help yourself.

692. - You know, look, all right,

693. and just let me do, I'm trying to do

694. a nice older sister thing for once.

695. Can I do it, can I do that?

696. - Can you?

697. - Good grief, all right.

698. Look, Aguefort doesn't work like Hudol, all right,

699. so all the things about grades and tests

700. and practicals and exams and all that,

701. that's all out, it's a nonsense place.

702. It's all topsy turvy there, all right?

703. They look differently on the sort of things

704. that they value there, so the things that really really work

705. for that academy are, sort of,

706. things that would be insane to do at Hudol.

707. I heard that one of the best ways

708. to get into an arcane society was to steal a book

709. from the restricted section on your first day,

710. that that's something that they look at

711. as, I don't know, some kind of adventurer's initiative

712. or it shows, I don't know, gumption?

713. - I don't want to take any more advice from you,

714. 'cause you probably couldn't even get into Aguefort.

715. Just because you're good at Hudol doesn't mean—

716. - I couldn't get into Aguefort?

717. - That you'd be good at Aguefort.

718. - I could get into Aguefort.

719. - You'd be terrible at Aguefort.

720. - I'd turn that whole school around, brick by brick.

721. I'd lift it up in the air— - You're too scared to try.

722. You're too scared to try. - I am proper and well behaved

723. and well mannered. - Meh, meh, meh, meh.

724. - So I don't care to engage in this anymore.

725. - Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh.

726. - All right, fine, go on your first day,

727. get partnered up with some sort of barbarian,

728. go out into the wilds and get killed

729. on your first adventure, see what I care?

730. - Good, I shall. - You see she turns

731. and walks away.

732. - Whoa. - Tension.

733. - Hell yeah, ba-bum, we now go over to,

734. - Oh yeah. - Oh yeah.

735. - We go now to Ballaster, which is kinda like more rundown,

736. more seedy kinda place, kinda bad part of town.

737. You see Strongtower Luxury Apartments,

738. with the luxury kind of arcano-crystal flickering,

739. so it just goes ke-ke-ke,

740. Strongtower Apartments, we see that there is a small bedroom

741. and basically, a kind of retrofitted,

742. its like a one bedroom apartment with a kind of cordoned off

743. bed in the living room with a fake drywall around it.

744. Very small apartment, and we see that there is,

745. sun's just coming up, there's some smoke

746. coming from some burning thing on the oven,

747. and there's a little bit of coffee in a mug.

748. A very sparse, spartan kinda place,

749. and we see Riz Gukgak.

750. Brian, go ahead and describe Riz

751. for me, if you'd be so kind.

752. - Yeah, so I'm Riz Gukgak.

753. My nickname in middle school was Briefcase Kid.

754. I'm a goblin, and I don't have a lot of friends

755. even though I'm pretty social, which is weird.

756. My only real friend is this halfling named Penny Luckstone

757. who, technically my babysitter,

758. I had a babysitter until I was 13,

759. but she recently went missing, and my mom

760. is a detective and I'm a

761. licensed private investigator,

762. so I am gonna find Penny myself.

763. - So it's early morning, I assume you've been up all night

764. working your case. - I've got my board,

765. it just has the missing girls

766. all just pointed at the school.

767. - Oh, eww. - That's so creepy

768. to have in a little boy's room.

769. - I just have a board of missing girls.

770. - He's trying to find them.

771. - Whatever, creep. - Yeah, whatever.

772. - You're not here, you're not here, none of you are here.

773. - You know you take breaks and kiss a pillow.

774. - Oh, Penny, babysit me.

775. - Riz is there not kissing a pillow.

776. Just being a private investigator.

777. - You see that it's early in the morning,

778. you're kind of looking at the board.

779. It's a lot of, it's a really nice board,

780. you got the yarn and everything,

781. it's kind of sparse clues-wise,

782. it's sort of just the pictures and the dates

783. where they went missing and stuff like that.

784. - Tryin' to move it around to make it different,

785. but it's, I only have five clues.

786. - You see that the door opens

787. and your mom, Sklonda Gukgak walks in.

788. Now Sklonda is a classic goblin,

789. she's got sort of green skin, yellow eyes,

790. the big ears that come out to each side,

791. but has got that classic mom haircut, you know what I mean?

792. Kinda like the bangs and the bob or whatever?

793. Dressed with the sort of white shirt,

794. she's got an underarm holster for a little arquebus,

795. dress shoes, she's always got the badge

796. hangin' off of the belt there.

797. You see that she opens the door, walks in.

798. She's been gone all night working.

799. And you see, she walks in and she goes,

800. "Oh, Riz, sweetie, are you, you're up?

801. "What are you doin'?" - I kind of, I got some sleep.

802. I slept for four hours, we said four hours was the minimum.

803. - Four hours is the minimum. - I got four hours of sleep.

804. - Okay. - And I got up a couple times

805. to work on the board, but for the most part,

806. four hours of sleep. - Sweetie, you know

807. that it's not great that you're doing this, right?

808. - Well, they're missing, mom.

809. - Why does it say licensed private investigator?

810. - Well, it says un, it's little, but it's legal.

811. - Looks like a smudge, oh, sweetie,

812. that's, that's— - Technically legal.

813. - Really skirting the line with a lie.

814. - But, overall, okay. - I, look, sweetheart.

815. You gotta lotta gumption, but we have detectives

816. that are working, actually we have one detective

817. working this case, but— - And I can be your man

818. on the inside. - Man on the inside?

819. - Yeah, that Ague, at the school, right?

820. That's where, the girls all went to the school.

821. - Yes, they all went to Aguefort.

822. - And that's the clue that I have.

823. - She looks at your one clue, and there's nothing for it,

824. she says, "Okay, you could throw a couple more clues

825. "on there, that's a probable thing,

826. "we could, you know—" - Just read a newspaper?

827. - Yeah, we'll just read a newspaper,

828. the dates, right, what kind of circumstances,

829. last seen, last person seen.

830. - That's why it's good to have you around, Mom.

831. - Why am I encouraging this?

832. Don't do this.

833. Oh god, okay, you've eaten?

834. Are you hungry, want something to eat?

835. - I had coffee. - That's not food, sweetie.

836. - I haven't eaten, okay, I could use something.

837. - Okay, I'm gonna go get some, what do we have?

838. You see she opens the fridge, it's empty.

839. She goes, "Oh yeah, I gotta go shopping."

840. You see that she opens the, the thing

841. and there's some cereal.

842. She takes a little thing of cereal out,

843. pours two bowls, pours some milk in.

844. You see that there's not enough milk for two bowls,

845. so then she pours the milk out of her bowl

846. into yours. - Oh my god.

847. - Puts water from the sink in her—

848. and then she puts

849. it in front of you, and you see that she goes—

850. Don't cry. Don't cry.

851. She's trying her best.

852. I love her.

853. - You see she says "All right,

854. - Shout out moms.

855. "well, eat up, okay?"

856. - Okay thank you.

857. - Ah, all right, well I'll go,

858. I'll find a time to go shopping and get the rest.

859. Hey, today, first day of school, right?

860. - Yep. - And this Saturday,

861. it's the five year anniversary, so if you wanna head over

862. to the cemetery, we can go visit Dad

863. and sorta see how things are going.

864. - Yeah, yeah, we can do that.

865. - Does that work for you? - Yeah.

866. - We can go in the morning, if you got stuff to do.

867. 'Cause I know you probably try to make friends at school—

868. - Yeah, I'm probably gonna be busy, 'cause I gotta make,

869. so I figured a lotta kids would just be giving out

870. their phone numbers on their phone,

871. but I made business cards. - Boo.

872. - So I'll probably be busy Saturday.

873. - Okay.

874. - Why don't we do it in the morning.

875. - Ah, sweetheart, formality is great

876. when you're tryin' to be a professional,

877. and I know that you seen me work a lot,

878. and so that's kind of a, you know, professionalism.

879. But there's something to be said,

880. you know, when I go out with the guys,

881. I'll knock back a beer, - Right, right.

882. - I'll kick back a little bit.

883. It's okay to relax. - Yeah, get 'em relaxed.

884. - Get who?

885. Get them relaxed? - That's how we get them

886. to tell us— - You relax.

887. - Tell us the secrets so that we

888. can solve the mystery.

889. - Friends are for more than clues, sweetie.

890. Friends are for, there's a lot of things we use friends for.

891. Right, so let's look at that as an opportunity to—

892. - Start with the friends, then get the clues.

893. - Okay.

894. Well, I'm gonna, you good to get to the bus?

895. - Yeah. - I'm gonna try to,

896. I'm gonna catch a little bit of sleep.

897. Sweetheart, you're gonna do great.

898. - Thanks, Mom. - You're the best there is.

899. I love you, have a great day at school.

900. Tell me all about it when you get home, okay?

901. - Okay, thanks, Mom.

902. - Gives you a kiss on the head and she heads off

903. to her bedroom, and we will now cut over

904. to our final—

905. - Nice.

906. - Ah, hell yeah, we cut over to the Faeth Home

907. way over by the highway, not too many people

908. live out here, it's kind of a little,

909. has a chain link fence, it's got a little attic bedroom

910. up there. - Oh, I'm in the attic?

911. - You're in the attic. - Fuck yeah.

912. - Fuck yeah, upstairs is a room

913. that last year was filled with pastels

914. and little unicorns,

915. other shit like that, and now it's all fuckin' band posters,

916. tour lists for who's gonna be playin' at The Black Pit.

917. There's a sick red guitar in the corner.

918. There's some horn cream, there's some cream

919. for your horns that are coming in.

920. You see, Emily, go ahead and describe your character

921. if you would. - Um, my name's Figueroth.

922. You probably knew me last year as, like,

923. that really bubbly girl who was, like,

924. invited to every party, but all of the sudden,

925. my horns started growing in, and I thought I was an elf,

926. but it turns out, my dad isn't my real dad

927. and I have a demon for a dad, but my mom won't tell me

928. who he is, so pretty much I'm kinda like,

929. fuck everyone and I'm just like,

930. I'm just like, I've got a bass guitar,

931. I've got some drumsticks, like, I'm ready to start

932. a bass driven band, and, just like, yeah,

933. just fuck everything, right, okay, that's it.

934. Thats me, also, my name is Figueroth, my last name is Faeth,

935. but that is the name of someone who does not

936. have anything to do with me because he's not my dad,

937. so I'm just Fig now, just Fig.

938. - You see that, so Fig is upstairs,

939. you see that there's a knock at the door.

940. You're in bed, see that your mom leans in,

941. your mom is a, she's got the mom jeans on,

942. but is like a, sort of wood elf.

943. You see that she's got a bow over her shoulder

944. and a quiver of arrows, your mom works as a ranger

945. that goes and explores the woods around here.

946. You see she goes, "Sweetheart, I've been knockin'

947. "up a storm, what's goin' on?

948. "You're gonna be late, you're gonna miss the bus."

949. - Oh yeah, um, about that, I'm not going.

950. - God damn it, you're going to school.

951. - Yeah, try and tell me even one good bard

952. who learned how to bard in school.

953. They're gonna teach me how to play the bass guitar?

954. No, if I want, I need real life experience.

955. - The school is real life experience.

956. Sweetie, you're 15. - Who's my dad?

957. - Goddamn it, I'm not— - Who's my dad?

958. - I can't tell you who your,

959. your dad is Gilear, who raised you and loves you.

960. Okay?

961. - That tool. - Look, just 'cause things

962. aren't great between your father and I right now

963. doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, okay?

964. - Really, because the look on his face

965. when my horns started growing in

966. didn't look a lot like love.

967. - Sweetie, this attitude is a problem, all right?

968. You gotta get it together, it's your first day at school.

969. - You know, you're right, I think I need some instruction,

970. like maybe from a dad. - Goddamn it.

971. I— - Who is he?

972. Just give me a name, I'll go find him myself.

973. - There are reasons I can't tell you.

974. - Is he the Nightmare King?

975. - It's not the Nightmare King, it's not the Nightmare King.

976. - I think it's the Nightmare King.

977. - It's not the Nightmare King.

978. It's the Nightmare King, you don't have to say—

979. - I think that— - Say it's not

980. the Nightmare King if it's the Nightmare King.

981. - Say, you want me to say what?

982. - If it's not the Nightmare King,

983. you could let me know by being like,

984. it's not the Nightmare King.

985. - The Nightmare King lives thousands of miles away

986. from here, maybe. - Yeah.

987. - I did, the Nightmare— - But he also lives

988. in our nightmares, maybe that's where you met him?

989. - Sweetie, this is sensitive, and adults—

990. - I light up a cigarette.

991. - Where the fuck did you get a cig?

992. She snatches it out of your hand.

993. I don't, where did you get that?

994. - I light up another. - God!

995. Wow, where did this come from?

996. You were so well behaved a year ago.

997. You see she sort of collapses against the wall.

998. Look, okay, well, and she looks out the window

999. and goes, "Well, there goes the fuckin' bus, huh?"

1000. "There it goes, you happy?"

1001. - Bye, anyways, so I think I'm just gonna

1002. sorta stay home and work on some music.

1003. I've got a song called "My Dad is a Demon

1004. But He's Also a Deadbeat", so I'll just work on that.

1005. - You're goin' to the school.

1006. - You see that she walks out, picks up the phone

1007. and she calls someone, you can hear her

1008. speak in elven downstairs.

1009. - I can't believe

1010. that I really thought I was an elf.

1011. Elves are so lame.

1012. Oh my god, just so many -th soundings.

1013. Ugh, I know you're talking about me!

1014. I can hear you saying Fig.

1015. - It got nothin' to do with you, get downstairs!

1016. - You see your mom— - You're like Swedish.

1017. - Comes back upstairs and goes, "I have to go to work,

1018. "all right, your father is coming here

1019. "to pick you up and take you to school,

1020. "all right, because he—" - Oh, my real father?

1021. I'm finally gonna meet him, what a luxury!

1022. I can't wait, I'll put on my best fucking dress.

1023. - Get dressed for school, all right,

1024. and we will talk about this.

1025. I love you, and I know this is hard right now,

1026. but we're gonna get, you gotta put

1027. the cigarette out while I'm in the room,

1028. while I'm in the room you can't smoke.

1029. - I put it out in her coffee.

1030. - God damn it!

1031. You see that she walks outta the room.

1032. - Just tell me who my real dad is

1033. and I'll call this war off.

1034. - She walks outta the room, she leaves.

1035. You see that she walks out on the front lawn

1036. and a humongous griffin flies up

1037. in the sky going,

1038. lands in the front yard and she mounts on its back

1039. and flies off. - Oh ho.

1040. - That's pretty dope.

1041. - You see that a moment later a car rolls up

1042. and Gilear, who you, not your biological father

1043. but the man who raised you, steps outta the car.

1044. He's not lookin' great, he's sort of lost some hair.

1045. You've never seen an elf with a comb over before.

1046. He's got a little bit of a paunch.

1047. He's got a little, sort of short sleeved button up shirt,

1048. he's working at a different job now,

1049. 'cause he quit his old one, and he's got

1050. what look like beans or something on his shirt.

1051. He steps outta the car

1052. and knocks on the door, tock tock tock.

1053. - I go answer it, Gilear, have you been eating

1054. out of cans again? - What?

1055. My daughter, yes, ehm, I have been...

1056. eating legumes

1057. as it were for I have found that in my new living situation

1058. over at Strongtower Luxury Apartments—

1059. - Wow, you really emphasized luxury.

1060. - They're not the worst in the world.

1061. They're all right, but I've found

1062. that it's, you know, yeah, I've been eating beans.

1063. Eating beans. - Okay.

1064. I, so I'm guessing you were sent here

1065. to try and get me to go to school, right?

1066. - Well, I'm gonna give you a ride.

1067. - Okay, let me just go use the bathroom

1068. and then I'll come. - Okay, that sounds good.

1069. - I go into the bathroom and cast Disguise Self

1070. to make myself look like my mom.

1071. And then I come back out. - You walk back out,

1072. and you see he goes, "Sandra Lynn, what the hell?

1073. "I thought you needed to go to work?"

1074. - I know, I've changed, I've changed my mind.

1075. I don't think she should go to school.

1076. She made some really compelling arguments

1077. about how bards, how bards need real life experience

1078. so thank you so much, and also, thank you

1079. for keeping it a secret who her real dad is.

1080. - Well, all right. - But between you and me,

1081. we can say the name out loud.

1082. - You see he says, "Well, he's actually,

1083. "if you wanna go talk to him about the paternity test,

1084. "he's free today." - Yeah, yes, I do.

1085. Can we do it in the next hour?

1086. - Sure, that's fine. - Okay, yes.

1087. - Yeah, that's no problem. - Thank you.

1088. Thank you so much, she's upstairs

1089. so we can just go, no need to say goodbye to her.

1090. - Really, no need to say goodbye to her?

1091. - No, I think she's working on a song.

1092. - Okay, that's all right, I'll talk to her later.

1093. You see he goes and gets in the drivers seat of the car.

1094. - Okay, I'm coming. - You sit, what's the duration

1095. on your Disguise Self spell? - One hour.

1096. - Foolproof. - Foolproof, foolproof.

1097. - Foolproof.

1098. - Cool.

1099. - Everyone else goes to school that's the adventure.

1100. The sun rises in the sky over the beautiful dappled lawns,

1101. stone brick walls, ivy covered trellises and statues

1102. of the Aguefort Adventuring Academy.

1103. All of you arrive by bus, by car, however you get here.

1104. Out in the front of the building

1105. you see a bunch of students, people that recognize

1106. each other are clapping and loud teenagers,

1107. and everyone's kind of gathering.

1108. You're a few minutes early.

1109. You see that your father pulls up to the front

1110. of the school. - Oh no oh oh oh!

1111. - You got tricked. - You see he goes,

1112. "All right, Sandra Lynn, here you are.

1113. "Your former lover's in there.

1114. "Oh, you think I'm a fool?"

1115. - Oh! - I raised you.

1116. And don't call me Gilear, all right?

1117. I know that I said—

1118. - What, what else am I supposed to call you?

1119. Stranger, stranger with no biological link to me?

1120. I'm willing to make, that's a lot to say every time

1121. I address you.

1122. - You see a little tear forms in his eye

1123. and you see he says, "I know that I said some hurtful things

1124. "when I first found out." - Yeah,

1125. you said, "You're no longer a Faeth,"

1126. and guess what, I'm not, I'm just Fig now.

1127. - Fig, I'm sitting here with beans on my shirt.

1128. - I know, I saw you ate one on the ride here.

1129. - I was hungry, all right?

1130. I've put on some weight.

1131. You ever heard of a fat elf?

1132. You ever heard of it?

1133. I've never seen a fat elf in my life and I'm here

1134. with a bad comb over and beans on my shirt.

1135. - Okay fine. - And I'm reaching out to you.

1136. - I'm sorry, Gilear, I'm sorry that I got angry at you.

1137. You're just some random man, I shouldn't be mean to you.

1138. - Oh ho ho ho ho! - All right,

1139. get outta my fucking car, you demon!

1140. I didn't mean it like,

1141. it's not, no no, 'cause you're making it a Tiefling thing.

1142. - You know what, I am a demon!

1143. And then I put some horn wax to really make 'em shine.

1144. And I'm not ashamed of it.

1145. I just hope I don't also get a tail.

1146. The horns are enough, okay, bye.

1147. - You guys all arrive at the foot of the school.

1148. What are you guys all doing here together?

1149. - I look around for the biggest and the strongest man

1150. or student in the, kind of, the entry area.

1151. - You look around, you see Zac, Gorgug.

1152. He's the tallest person here.

1153. - I'm holding a metal flower.

1154. I was looking for a friend.

1155. - I walk straight up to Gorgug.

1156. I say, hey, how you doin' buddy?

1157. - I'm, I'm good, it's my first day.

1158. I guess it's everyone's first day.

1159. - Oh, oh, it's your first day.

1160. - Do you want this metal flower?

1161. - I swing at you, it's fucking hard.

1162. I don't fucking care.

1163. - I see this

1164. just as I'm walking into the, there where I am.

1165. I'm like, oh my, this is what this school is?

1166. - Go ahead and roll an attack roll.

1167. - Great.

1168. 15. - What's your AC?

1169. - My AC's 13. - You slug him.

1170. What's your strength modifier? - It's two.

1171. - You take three points of damage.

1172. - And then I turn and I say,

1173. I'm Fabian Seacaster, son of Bill Seacaster

1174. and I'm here to be great.

1175. - Oh!

1176. - I'm trying to sing that song.

1177. - I run up.

1178. - Hey, are you okay?

1179. What happened? - That guy punched me.

1180. - That sucks, you seem really non-violent

1181. and I think that's really cool.

1182. Violence is never the answer.

1183. - I go into a rage.

1184. - Awesome, what do you— - I go into a rage

1185. and I attack, I go to punch.

1186. - Go for it, roll an attack roll.

1187. - Oh. - 19?

1188. - What's your AC? - 16.

1189. - And you're in a rage, right?

1190. - Yes. - So that's gonna deal

1191. three plus two plus one is six points of damage.

1192. You fucking, Gorgug whips up and fucking clocks you.

1193. - Wait, no, violence isn't the answer.

1194. - I— - Is this creating

1195. like, a commotion? - Oh yeah.

1196. There's a bunch of, you guys see—

1197. - Are there people, are the teachers all around?

1198. - Oh, you see there's this one kid

1199. who looks like a gnome with that long,

1200. kinda like stoner hair, who's like

1201. "Oh, fuck, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!"

1202. - Fight, fight, fight!

1203. - I'm gonna sneak into the teacher's lounge

1204. while there's a commotion and steal from the refrigerator.

1205. - You sneak in.

1206. You guys see that wading through the crowd of students

1207. is this hulking dragonborn, right?

1208. For those who don't know who dragonborn is,

1209. humanoid dragons with long tail,

1210. no wings, these big claws, wearing a full suit,

1211. like a gray suit and a blue tie,

1212. big horns sweeping off of this,

1213. he's red scaled, anthropomorphic dragon guy.

1214. You see he's holding just a straight up cricket bat

1215. in his hands, and he walks up and goes

1216. "All right, all right that's enough!

1217. "And on day one, the bell hasn't even rung yet."

1218. Effortlessly hoists you two up off the ground,

1219. sheathing his cricket bat before he does so,

1220. and goes, "Now look here, what are, what are you, freshmen?

1221. "How, why did this even start?"

1222. - Well— - I don't know!

1223. He hit me. - Well, I had to let

1224. this one know that I wasn't going to take any of his shit.

1225. - It looks like he's holding a flower.

1226. - Hey, the greatest attackers sometimes put up a facade,

1227. that they might sneak their way.

1228. I don't need to explain myself to you, I'm Fabian Seacaster.

1229. - You 100% need to explain yourself to me.

1230. I am Vice Principal Goldenhoard.

1231. - I'm sorry I got mad at you.

1232. You can still have the flower if you want.

1233. - Don't, kid, don't give him the flower.

1234. - Im in the background praying

1235. - He has absolutely not earned any congeniality

1236. from you at all. - I hit him too,

1237. so we're even. - All right.

1238. That's immediate detention for both of you.

1239. First day, after school. - Fine.

1240. - All right, you see he gives you each a little red slip

1241. then says, "Good grief, is there any

1242. "other nonsense happening here?

1243. "Good, behave yourselves.

1244. "I'll see you at detention after school.

1245. - I'm so sorry. - Rad, you go to sneak in.

1246. And give me a stealth check?

1247. - Oh, I don't know if that's really a skill I have.

1248. Ooh, okay.

1249. I got a nat one.

1250. - You're all just instantly in so much trouble.

1251. - You walk into

1252. the teacher's lounge, you are in there for,

1253. what do you steal as you go in there?

1254. You just see those little, like—

1255. - I'm just going through the fridge,

1256. seeing what kind of food there is.

1257. Elf food, elf food— - You see that there is

1258. a, you see that there is a little Tupperware container

1259. with a transparent steak in it.

1260. You can just like, partially see through,

1261. or ethereal, and you see it says

1262. "Ghost steak, please do not eat.

1263. "For ghost professor."

1264. - Um yeah, I'm gonna eat that.

1265. I take the ghost steak and I just start eating it.

1266. - You have a very fuckin' hard time grabbing it.

1267. - Fuck, fuck. - You see the door opens.

1268. And this Vice Principal guy walks in

1269. and goes, "Okay, immediate detention.

1270. "We are three for three, and it's,

1271. "I mean, I'm about to ring the first bell."

1272. - The crazy thing is, you're just playing into my hand.

1273. Welcome to my game, and you just did exactly

1274. what I wanted you to do.

1275. - I, I, I, I don't know you, right, it is baffling.

1276. - I know, that's why I was able to two-step around you.

1277. - Describe your two step to me.

1278. How have you bamboozled me in this moment?

1279. Walk me through how you've bamboozled me.

1280. - All right, my plan all along was to get caught

1281. so I would get kicked out, and you

1282. are just scooting me along.

1283. I put my combat boots up on the table.

1284. What's the deal with that steak?

1285. I can't pick it up.

1286. - Right, it's for ghosts, that's ghost food.

1287. Now, I'm gonna be very honest with you.

1288. I don't think you fully know what detention means.

1289. You're not suspended. - Do you recognize me?

1290. - See, he looks at you and says, "Uh, no?"

1291. - 'Cause last year I was on the cheer squad.

1292. I was one of the girls that they used to throw up

1293. into the sky 'cause I was so teeny tiny and cute.

1294. - I shouldn't be having a conversation with you alone

1295. in the teacher's lounge, get the fuck outta here!

1296. Get outta here, get out of here!

1297. - Okay, I'll leave. - Go, all right, good good.

1298. - What's your name again?

1299. - I'm Vice Principal Goldenhoard.

1300. - Okay, he's kinda cute. - Don't!

1301. Don't say that, shh, don't say that.

1302. Get out, he shoos you.

1303. - Well, maybe that's part of my plan too.

1304. - Shuts the door.

1305. The rest of you guys walk through

1306. and you hear the PA kinda starts as the kids start,

1307. the first bell rings,

1308. kids start running off to class.

1309. You guys hear a little voice saying,

1310. "Students, one and all, welcome to another exciting year

1311. "at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy.

1312. "I am Vice Principal Goldenhoard,

1313. "here with some announcements on your first day.

1314. "Everyone should have received your locker assignments

1315. "in the mail, make sure to go and put your things away

1316. "for your first busy class day.

1317. "Bells are five minutes between classes,

1318. "and hall passes are in Sorcehood, so no funny business.

1319. "I've been told that lunch lady Doreen

1320. "has made fine creamed corn and tuna surprise.

1321. "Surprising indeed, what mysteries await in that dish."

1322. "Also, during your time here,

1323. "any matters of curriculum can be brought to the principal,

1324. "Mr. Arthur Aguefort, matters of discipline

1325. "will be brought to me, your Vice Principal,

1326. "and Ole Hawthorne, my paddle friend and cleaver of heinies,

1327. "don't worry, we use corporal punishment aplenty

1328. "here at Aguefort, ha ha ha ha.

1329. "Welcome, welcome, new class of heroes!"

1330. Ring, everyone files to the classrooms.

1331. - Whoo!

1332. - Oh, Riz is clapping, he decides clapping

1333. is gonna make him seem cool, he's excited, right, no?

1334. Okay. - I'm clapping

1335. a little bit too, 'cause then I picked up on.

1336. - Just working so hard to suppress a panic attack

1337. and hide the stupid fucking orb that I'm carrying.

1338. - As you go to walking up the steps,

1339. those of you who are from, sort of like the kerfuffle

1340. that happened out here, you guys see

1341. that there are two seniors, one of them

1342. is a blonde haired giant looking senior jock kid

1343. whose wearing his letter jacket,

1344. and the other one is a beautiful half elf.

1345. They're both seniors, and you see

1346. that they're handing out little fliers

1347. that have ballots attached to them,

1348. and you see that the young woman,

1349. who's sort of half elf, again,

1350. has got sort of the long, sort of brunette hair,

1351. a little flower tied into it, is going,

1352. "Hi, we're voting today to reinstate prom king and queen,

1353. "Hi, we're voting today, we're having a vote today.

1354. "Hi, can I interest you in a flier?"

1355. - Yes, actually, hi, Riz Gukgak.

1356. Nice to meet you. - Oh, a handshake.

1357. - Hi, yes— - That's fun.

1358. - I actually have some literature for you.

1359. So I am, I open my briefcase,

1360. I am kind of in the business of friend making right now.

1361. This has my phone number on it

1362. if you, platonic hangout.

1363. - Sure. - Yeah.

1364. - Yeah, for sure. - Kinda interested

1365. in getting in with the seniors and the jocks and whatnot.

1366. - You see that this big jock paladin looking kid

1367. comes over and goes, "Hey babe, what's up?"

1368. - Hi, Riz Gukgak, so great to meet you.

1369. How are you? - Good.

1370. - Would you like a card as well?

1371. - Wassup? - I open my briefcase

1372. and I give him a card, that has my phone number on it.

1373. - Oh, okay, do I throw this out right now?

1374. - No, we can start a group text, perhaps?

1375. We can send each other funny memes.

1376. - Sure, okay, you see he puts it away.

1377. You see that the girl says, "Oh my god.

1378. "You are so friggin cute, what is your name?"

1379. - It's Riz, Riz Gukgak. - I'm not gonna remember that

1380. but you are fucking amazing. - Thank you.

1381. - I'm Penelope Everpetal. - Hi.

1382. - And I kinda run a lot of the clubs,

1383. and yearbook and stuff here, so if you need

1384. any help, like, learning of ropes

1385. or learning about the school and all,

1386. - Yeah. - I'm like happy to do that,

1387. and this is my boyfriend Dayne Blayde,

1388. who's the captain of the bloodrush team.

1389. - Dayne Blayde.

1390. - Dayne, you are freaking cool, man.

1391. - Wassup. - You seem cool as hell.

1392. - Fuck, what's that? - Yeah, dude, yeah.

1393. - Oh, sure dude, hell yeah. - Yeah.

1394. - Do you, do you play bloodrush?

1395. - Mmm-hmm, go Owlbears, right, that's the team!

1396. - You see a huge beefy looking half orc,

1397. either a junior or a senior in a letter jacket

1398. comes over and slaps Dayne on the back and says,

1399. "Yeah, he fuckin' plays bloodrush,

1400. "he's the ball, dude, he's the fuckin' ball, dude,

1401. "he's the fuckin' ball, dude!"

1402. - I'm actually not the ball.

1403. - You're the ball, that's your fuckin' name now.

1404. You're the ball. - Well,

1405. it's actually Riz Gukgak, if you'd like some literature,

1406. and I open my briefcase and hand—

1407. - He, make an opposed athletics check, if you'd be so kind?

1408. - It's a minus two.

1409. A four!

1410. - You see that this half orc grabs you

1411. and then stuffs you, as a ball, and just dunks you

1412. into a trashcan.

1413. Boom, that's what's up, dude.

1414. You're the ball now, everybody, this kid's name is Ball.

1415. If I hear you call this kid anything but Ball,

1416. it's your fuckin' ass!

1417. - I suppose I'm technically the ball this time,

1418. but not always!

1419. - You see, Penelope goes "Dayne, get him to stop."

1420. And you see him go, "Huh, oh sure.

1421. "Hey, Ragh, dude, it's chill."

1422. And you see Ragh goes, "Grr, yeah, okay.

1423. "Sorry dude, just, like, I see people fuck with you

1424. "and it makes me wanna go fuckin' nuts, dude.

1425. "I just fuckin' can't take it, man.

1426. "Fuckin' love this team, go Owlbears!"

1427. You see that they walk away.

1428. You see that Penelope looks over at Adaine

1429. as you sorta walk up the steps.

1430. You see she goes, "I frickin' love your orb.

1431. "That thing is huge." - Thanks.

1432. My dad gave it to me, I don't want, do you want it?

1433. Do I want it? - I don't—

1434. - No, I'm good, but thank you.

1435. You can keep your orb.

1436. Listen, I don't know if you have enough space

1437. to carry this with that giant orb you're carrying,

1438. but this is, it's a little ballot,

1439. we're basically having a vote, because for a long,

1440. it's like never, Aguefort hasn't had a king and queen

1441. at prom, and me and my boyfriend Dayne

1442. are trying to run part of the yearbook club,

1443. and we're basically trying to get that back,

1444. bring that tradition back.

1445. - What does that mean?

1446. What does being prom king and queen mean?

1447. - Well, there's a vote, right, that has

1448. if enough students say they want it,

1449. we'll do a like a vote and people can vote

1450. for prom king and queen, and they'll like

1451. have a special dance and it'll be really fun.

1452. - They just get a special dance, that's what that means?

1453. Is that, yeah, okay, I'll vote.

1454. Yeah, I don't really understand.

1455. - If you vote for it, and just like, as an aside,

1456. it's gonna be a lot easier for you here at Aguefort,

1457. 'cause I can tell you're a freshman.

1458. It's gonna be a lot easier if you ask less questions,

1459. 'cause like, probably like, it'll become clear

1460. the more time you spend.

1461. - That's actually fewer questions.

1462. - Sorry? - No, okay, I'll sign it.

1463. Dayne looks at the other guy and says,

1464. "Babe, it's fewer questions,

1465. "less questions is wrong, grammatically."

1466. You see she's like, "Fine, Dayne,"

1467. she says, "Okay, so why don't you just take the ballot—"

1468. - Yeah, I'll take it, I'll take it, thank you.

1469. - And you can vote— - Yeah, I'll vote.

1470. Where do I, where do I, where do I vote?

1471. - There's little boxes out in front of the assembly

1472. which we're going to now. - Oh great.

1473. - Welcome. - Thank you.

1474. - Cute outfit, it's like you go

1475. to a different school than here.

1476. Fun! Let me know if you need help stashing that orb.

1477. You guys walk along,

1478. you see that at that main hall, this guy comes over

1479. and he's this big human wearing sweatpants,

1480. got a little baseball cap and a whistle around his neck

1481. and a giant glowing spear with holy light.

1482. You see that he claps Dayne and Ragh on the back.

1483. You see that, he, Ragh is looking at you in the trashcan

1484. and the guy goes like, "Ah, there are my boys,

1485. "there are my bruisers, there's Ragh and Dayne, heck yeah!"

1486. You see he looks around at the two players,

1487. and he looks over at you, and you recognize him

1488. from church, from the Cathedral of Sol.

1489. And you see he goes, "Ah, that's great, Kristen!

1490. "What are you doing here?"

1491. - Oh, I go here now, it's my first day.

1492. Good to see you. - Ah, it's great to have you,

1493. kiddo, that's great, I love that.

1494. I'm gonna need you to make an opposed athletics check.

1495. - Great.

1496. Uhhhh, what is, where's athletics?

1497. Oh, two, seven.

1498. - We're all just getting our asses kicked.

1499. - Yeah, yeah. - You see that you are shoved

1500. to the ground and your backpack goes everywhere

1501. and your Bible sort of spills out of your hand

1502. No!

1503. and you see that there is a tall,

1504. looks like an elf, but his skin is deathly pale,

1505. he has black hair hanging,

1506. and he's got a mesh shirt with a belt,

1507. kind of diagonal across it, and sort of bondage pants,

1508. like, used for that kind of Hot Topic look,

1509. and you see he's got a rat on his shoulder.

1510. And he's got spiderweb designs on some fingerless gloves.

1511. And you see he goes, "What's up, cleric?

1512. "How's it goin'? - Did you do that on purpose?

1513. - I don't know, did God curse us to live on purpose?

1514. - Ooh, let's see, let's start from the beginning, okay?

1515. Any curse you may feel is probably human made,

1516. because we were all made just a little bit off.

1517. - Oh, I know I was made off, my heart is fuckin' broken.

1518. - Okay, look. - You see that the coach

1519. helps you up and hands your Bible to you

1520. and goes like, "Hey, Zayn, do me a favor, pal and beat it,

1521. "huh, why don't you beat it?"

1522. You see that Zayn says, "I don't know,

1523. "why don't we all just beat it?"

1524. He turns into bats.

1525. - I'll pray for you, Zayn.

1526. - You see that the coach shakes his head

1527. and he goes, "That kid is a piece of work.

1528. "He got kicked out of the theater department

1529. "and he's taking it hard."

1530. - Who gets kicked out of the theater department?

1531. That's where you go when you're kicked out of anywhere else.

1532. - Yeah, exactly, he's having a hard time.

1533. But hey, it's really good to have you here.

1534. You know, if you ever need anything,

1535. come talk to me, man, I am happy to help you out, all right?

1536. - Yeah, thanks, it's good to see you.

1537. - Good to see you too, and wait,

1538. you can't say it too loud, 'cause there's a bunch

1539. of people of all kinds here, but praise be to Helio, huh?

1540. Go corn god! - Yes, yeah.

1541. Praise be to Helio. - You guys all leave

1542. this place and end up in the assembly hall.

1543. It's a big auditorium, you guys are all there together.

1544. Riz, I assume you get out and—

1545. - I'm covered in trash.

1546. - I couldn't get it all off.

1547. - You guys gather, and you see a man step out

1548. in a purple corduroy suit, and he's got an umbrella.

1549. Very dark dark skin, and a monocle,

1550. and this long white beard that goes past his waist.

1551. He's got a little watch fob and a monocle

1552. on a little chain, and you see that he steps out

1553. to the podium, you see he produces,

1554. as if from air, a little saucer with a teacup on it

1555. and steps to the podium, being introduced,

1556. of course, first by, from off stage,

1557. "Ladies and gentlemen, your principal,

1558. "Mr. Arthur Aguefort!"

1559. You see that the, sort of this old wizardly man

1560. steps out and says, "Welcome, one and all

1561. "to another exciting year here

1562. "at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy,

1563. "where we train the next generation of adventurers.

1564. "And what is an adventurer?

1565. "One who goes on adventures.

1566. "I say that an adventurer is a hero, and what is a hero?

1567. "A hero is someone with the strength of heart,

1568. "courage of spirit, and the might of will

1569. "to go to strange lands and enact violence on things there.

1570. "We go to places where there are things

1571. "that must be destroyed, and we destroy them.

1572. "Wandering from town to town, getting into trouble,

1573. "meeting in drophouses and taverns

1574. "and getting into scrapes with the law

1575. "and otherwise finding ourselves

1576. "engaged in all matters of tomfoolery and shenanigans,

1577. "sometimes violent, sometimes fatal.

1578. "Yes, fatal, and a hero is a violent wanderer

1579. "who enacts their will bloodily

1580. "and with strange magicks upon the world.

1581. "But does a hero truly stand alone?

1582. "Ha ha ha, no, the strength of the hero

1583. "is the strength of the party, and what is a party?

1584. "A gathering of friends, perhaps

1585. "with some alcoholic beverages,

1586. "some fun music, ha ha ha, a jape!

1587. "For all of you, a party is a group

1588. "that comes together to embellish each other's strengths

1589. "and eradicate each other's weaknesses.

1590. "A party is composed of those who have sworn themselves

1591. "to each other, to make themselves greater

1592. "than the sum of their parts.

1593. "Perhaps we have flaws within us,

1594. "perhaps we don't cast magic and we need

1595. "someone who can cast magic to help us when we need magic.

1596. "Perhaps we're very tough and we can sustain

1597. "a lot of injuries, but we need somebody

1598. "who is very good at hurting people there with us as well.

1599. "Perhaps we need a sneaky person to sneak,

1600. "not always, sometimes you don't need that,

1601. "but occasionally, in circumstances where you do need one,

1602. "you really need one, right? With traps

1603. "and other things like that.

1604. "That is the meaning of party, and party is the meaning

1605. "of hero, and never forget, all of you,

1606. "ugh, it's bad.

1607. Never forget that the greatest magic

1608. "of all is chronomancy, the magic of time.

1609. "Welcome to your first year, freshmen,

1610. "at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy!"

1611. He turns into light,

1612. and disappears.

1613. - My hand

1614. was on the fire drill the whole time,

1615. to pull it, but I was so moved by that

1616. that I actually took it off.

1617. - I was looking for a pencil that whole time.

1618. - Really cool.

1619. - After that, a bunch of different classes open up.

1620. You see that Goldenhoard sort of says,

1621. "We have some orientation events today

1622. "for those that are interested

1623. "in matters of the arcane, we'll have an arcane orientation

1624. "happening in room 212, we'll also have a number of

1625. "tryouts and battle orientations and things of that nature.

1626. "Please file out, obviously we don't want to corral you

1627. "into a class without your own choosing,

1628. "so be wise and find the best fit for you.

1629. "Very well, enjoy, students."

1630. You see that students begin to sort of file off,

1631. the freshmen, at least, sort of filing off

1632. towards the different orientations and things like that.

1633. - I wanna find lunch lady Doreen.

1634. - Cool, yeah, you can go find lunch lady Doreen,

1635. you go over to the lunch and you see the lady Doreen there,

1636. if you're looking on that with a little cigarette

1637. hangin' out of her lip, she looks over at you

1638. and as you walk into the cafeteria

1639. and goes, "Oh, lunch is not served for awhile, sweetheart."

1640. - No, I came to talk to you, because I feel like

1641. you have the only honest profession here

1642. and, also, you're allowed to smoke at work

1643. which I think is really cool.

1644. - I'm not allowed to smoke at work.

1645. - Oh, well, but you do it anyways,

1646. which shows that you have a spirit that I really admire.

1647. So I was wondering, maybe I should just be taking classes

1648. with you. - You wanna be a lunch lady?

1649. - Maybe. - Okay.

1650. - I just respect what you're doing.

1651. Everyone else is trying to do all these lofty things,

1652. and you're just being you.

1653. You're just so true compared to everyone else.

1654. - Okay. - So real.

1655. - Okay, you wanna do while, you wanna work?

1656. - Mmmm.

1657. - You see she tosses a crowbar to you and says—

1658. - I don't, I just let it drop.

1659. - There's an industrial,

1660. we gotta buncha drums of creamed corn off the back

1661. of a truck— - Drums?

1662. - Yeah, for like a drum? - Yeah, okay cool, yeah.

1663. I'll go work with that. - Yeah, yes,

1664. it must have fallen or something,

1665. 'cause the corn was all dinged up

1666. so I had a fucking hard time opening that thing,

1667. but you're welcome to go try.

1668. - Wait, so that you're havin' a hard time

1669. opening the drum, there's a big old drum right?

1670. There's a bunch of drums?

1671. - She points to a bunch of metallic oil drums

1672. in the back, like big metal canisters.

1673. - Cool yeah, I just go there and start playing the drums.

1674. - She looks over and she goes,

1675. "What the fuck are you doin'?"

1676. What the fuck are you doin'?

1677. - Music isn't, music isn't confined to the stage

1678. at The Black Pit, you know, it's anywhere.

1679. - Make a performance check. - Whoo, yeah!

1680. Oh come on, hook me up, 17.

1681. - It gets really "Stomp" in here,

1682. and you see that she goes like, "Okay, okay,

1683. "that is a little funky, that's good, I like it.

1684. "You know, I wasn't always a lunch lady,

1685. "I used to get around when I was young."

1686. - Whoo! - "Ah, we'll talk about it

1687. "sometime.

1688. "Listen, you got a gift for that. You're really talented."

1689. - Thank you, I know that I'm not gonna learn

1690. any of that here, I'll learn stupid stuff.

1691. Well, actually, I kinda liked everything

1692. the guy was saying. - You see she says,

1693. "You know, you might be right,

1694. "there might not be much for you to learn here,

1695. "but you know what, it's not gonna hurt you

1696. "to go see what the bullshit is they're sellin', right?

1697. "Why not go check in on the enemy,

1698. "see what all the squares are talking about."

1699. - Oh, shit, there's so many good role models here.

1700. I'm gonna take you up on that.

1701. - Hey, you're a real sweet kid, come back anytime.

1702. - I will, I bet I'll come back once a day.

1703. - All right, oh, because you eat lunch in this room.

1704. - Yeah. - Yeah, that makes sense.

1705. - Yeah. - Okay, you have a good one,

1706. sweetie. - Okay, bye Doreen.

1707. - You can call me Doreen.

1708. - Okay, bye Doreen.

1709. - Adaine, you are walking past the library,

1710. as you are walking past it, roll a perception check.

1711. - 12?

1712. - You notice very old, sort of a very old woman

1713. human librarian, who has a little velvet rope

1714. and closes it over a little restricted section,

1715. and you see that there is a book

1716. lying on a little table right near the entrance

1717. of the restricted section. - Oh.

1718. Is it light enough that I can use Mage Hand?

1719. - You can make an investigation check

1720. to try to clock the weight of the object

1721. at this distance.

1722. - 16? - Yeah, for sure.

1723. - Great, I cast Mage Hand as her back is turned

1724. and I take the book.

1725. - The book zips from the restricted section of the library.

1726. The book that now rests in your hand

1727. is titled Wards and Watches, and it's an abjuration book,

1728. It's a very very powerful abjuration book.

1729. - Great, I very quickly put it in my backpack,

1730. and then I panic, 'cause I'm like,

1731. why am I doing this, nobody can see me do this.

1732. My stupid sister just told me to do this

1733. and I don't know why I'm doing it,

1734. and now I have a book that I've definitely stolen

1735. and I can't tell them that I've stolen it.

1736. - Please make a panic attack check, like a—

1737. - Five.

1738. - You go into a full blown panic attack.

1739. - Shit, oh god, oh my god.

1740. - I come up. - You wound up in the hallway.

1741. Yeah. - Hey are you okay?

1742. - No. - I saw what you did

1743. and I thought it was pretty awesome.

1744. - Oh god, no, the goth kid thinks I'm cool.

1745. - That was so cool. - Oh, I like your giant orb.

1746. Here, let me make it glow.

1747. I cast Light on her giant orb.

1748. - You are now glowing in the middle of a crowd of children.

1749. Vice Principal Goldenhoard walks up and goes,

1750. "Very nice use of the Light cantrip.

1751. "What is your name, young student?"

1752. - Oh, I'm Kristen Applebees.

1753. - Kristen Applebees, wonderful to meet you.

1754. I'm Vice Principal Goldenhoard.

1755. - Oh, hi.

1756. - Young lady, are you all right?

1757. - I found this book. - You found—

1758. - Make a bluff check for me,

1759. with disadvantage. - What's dis, what what?

1760. - You roll two d20 and take the worse result.

1761. - Okay, great.

1762. - Oh my god, a 20 and a two.

1763. - That's just a two.

1764. - It's just a two I'm afraid.

1765. - You see that Vice Principal says,

1766. "Sorry, you found a book?"

1767. - She's covering for me, I stole it

1768. and she caught me stealing it.

1769. - No, I didn't, I didn't, she didn't steal,

1770. I stole it, I'm so sorry, I was, I was,

1771. I'm sorry I'm new, I don't know what I'm doing.

1772. - We all fall short of the grace of God.

1773. - Mm, you know I wouldn't, that's a bit strong

1774. for this, I would say, that's a bit strong.

1775. This is not appropriate, that you've done this.

1776. Kristen, would you mind taking the book

1777. to Principal Aguefort's office for me?

1778. - Yeah, sure. - Go ahead, take the book.

1779. You see that he looks at you and says,

1780. "Now, young lady, what was your name?"

1781. - Adaine Abernant. - Miss Abernant.

1782. Oh yes, you come to us from Hudol.

1783. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you detention.

1784. So you'll be staying late after school today.

1785. Do you understand?

1786. All right, this is not fun for me.

1787. You're clearly having a bad time.

1788. I'm second guessing

1789. what I'm doing, even as I'm doing it,

1790. wondering if there's some medical stuff going on

1791. that I don't know about, but I'm going to do it,

1792. because I've already talked out loud

1793. and other students can hear this.

1794. - Yeah, I can hear it all, hi.

1795. - Hey, for real, we're not gonna do this.

1796. You think we have a thing, but that's where you're wrong.

1797. We don't have a thing.

1798. You have a thing. - Who's running detention?

1799. - Good grief, all right, you are going to detention,

1800. here's your slip, hands you the slip.

1801. - Bloodrush trials? - Bloodrush trials, yes!

1802. Let's do it, we are out on the field, baby.

1803. Everyone's out there, Dayne Blayde is out there,

1804. Ragh Barkrock is out there, and you see

1805. that Coach Daybreak is out there as well.

1806. You see that, what you do is you approach the pitch.

1807. - Well, uh, hello comrades!

1808. - Gru looks at you wearing the letter jacket.

1809. - Dayne, good to see you, saw you and your friend

1810. deal with that little goblin earlier.

1811. Oh hohoho, good stuff.

1812. That was miraculous, you just crushed him up,

1813. ball, that's, I like that.

1814. I'll call him Ball when I see him.

1815. - Oh, okay, what's your, Dayne speaks up

1816. and says, "Okay, I'm super confused,

1817. " 'cause you're talking to me like you're important,

1818. "but I don't know you." - Oh, heh heh.

1819. It's my first day, you probably,

1820. I'm Fabian Seacaster, Bill Seacaster's son,

1821. the great adventurer, Bill Seacaster?

1822. I'm his son Fabian, and I'm going to be

1823. on the bloodrush team, so it's exciting

1824. to meet you and get to know you and—

1825. - Make an insight check for me.

1826. 15.

1827. - You notice that these players

1828. look to Coach Daybreak, that, whose jaw is set

1829. as you mention your father, and you see that

1830. Dayne looks up at you, looks at the coach

1831. and sort of, all of these boys are looking off

1832. their coach's expression, basically.

1833. You see that Dayne turns to you and says,

1834. "Oh, that's right, yeah, your dad's

1835. "the richest guy in town, right?"

1836. - Yes, that's him. - Yeah, pirate.

1837. - Yes, what, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

1838. Privateer, my father's a privateer.

1839. - You see Ragh says, "I don't know what that word means."

1840. - It means where you would, in conjunction

1841. with different enterprises and things,

1842. he wasn't just running around just raping and pillaging

1843. like pirates do, that's not my father.

1844. My father worked, he was charged

1845. with tasks and adventures, ah.

1846. - For real, dude, I've never heard somebody

1847. that plays bloodrush talk like you.

1848. You're using all kinda words that are just like,

1849. sphew, shwee, sphh.

1850. - Well, I mean, yeah, I'm one of a kind.

1851. - You see Ragh says, "Yeah, I bet you are one of a kind.

1852. "One of a kind of a bad person."

1853. - Ah, what a witty barb.

1854. That's good stuff. - You see that Coach Daybreak

1855. leans in, says, "All right, guys,

1856. "we're gonna have some tryouts now.

1857. "Let's everyone lay off of Fabian here.

1858. "Fabian's father made his money outside

1859. "of the nation of Solace.

1860. "Part of the laws of Solace is that the things you did

1861. "in the outside world can be forgiven

1862. "under the national amnesty if you swear on the charter,

1863. "right, we got people that live in the forests

1864. "of the Nightmare King or in the Red Waste.

1865. "They wanna come here and make a better life for themself.

1866. "The council forgives that, they allow people

1867. "not have to live down there past,

1868. "even if they did all kinds of things,

1869. "that they're still benefiting from."

1870. - Yeah, well, it doesn't matter anymore, right?

1871. - That's right, kid.

1872. Well, let's get this tryout started, huh?

1873. - Yes, let's get this tryout started.

1874. - You see he says, "Well, why don't we start you out

1875. "with some running drills, huh?"

1876. - Fantastic. - Go ahead

1877. and give me some athletics checks.

1878. - Great.

1879. - Oh, and a nat 20.

1880. - Oh, you run the fucking field on these guys.

1881. You're 16 and you are fully flatlining seniors.

1882. You take Ragh Barkrock, who's the huge half orc,

1883. second in command guy, fling down to the ground, no sweat.

1884. He looked up at you and says,

1885. "This guy fuckin' cheated, dude,

1886. "fuckin' cheated, man."

1887. - Oh, Ragh, another one of those witty barbs of yours.

1888. I did not cheat.

1889. - You see that he goes

1890. into a full rage and Dayne says, "Just do it!"

1891. And jumps on him and his friends all restrain him.

1892. Coach Daybreak comes over and he says,

1893. "All right, well there, fancy boy,

1894. "you got some moves on you, I'll give you that."

1895. - Fancy boy, that's a fun nickname.

1896. Is that gonna be my nickname, like Ball?

1897. I'm Fancy Boy?

1898. I like it. - Well you gotta,

1899. you got real chops, let's see how you do throwin'.

1900. You see Dayne looks up and goes, "What?"

1901. You see he says, "Yeah, let's see how he does throwin',

1902. "I wanna see it."

1903. The coach sets up a play with people

1904. running around you, so there's a scrimmage,

1905. there's the other side of the bloodrush field,

1906. big stone, you're not on grass, it's a weird stone.

1907. This is actually it, right there.

1908. The coach sets up a scrimmage where you're gonna make,

1909. the idea is for you to pass to somebody, basically,

1910. you're sort of quarterbacking, effectively.

1911. As you get started, go ahead and make me

1912. a perception check, real quick.

1913. - Critical failure.

1914. - Critical failure.

1915. - You're havin' a day. - That's so funny, 20 to one.

1916. - 20 to one, okay, now go ahead and make me

1917. an athletics check. - Oh great.

1918. That's what I prefer, 22.

1919. - Fuck yeah, he gets you the ball

1920. and he's like, "We wanna see how you pass."

1921. You, roll a little opposed check, mmkay.

1922. He sets you up, you survey the field,

1923. and you see a bunch of people that you could pass to,

1924. but all the people that you could pass to

1925. are kind of like losers that you just fucking

1926. either clotheslined or rope a doped or moved around.

1927. - Of course. - As the lines charge

1928. each other, you see a little opening

1929. that you could break through. - Oh, I'll take it.

1930. - You charge forward, your team looks like,

1931. what the fuck is going on?

1932. You effortlessly dodge and weave

1933. through all of the other athletes

1934. and fucking get to, what do you do

1935. when you get to the end zone?

1936. - I place the ball down gently.

1937. Say good game, I liked that,

1938. those plays went real nice, Dayne?

1939. Dayne, good stuff, my man.

1940. - The hell you didn't throw the ball, dude.

1941. - Well, it worked out best, I thought, for the play.

1942. - Yeah, you know what?

1943. You didn't throw the ball because you have bad thoughts

1944. about what to do. - Ragh, this is funny.

1945. Does he, do we all, does Ragh roast us often?

1946. This is fun. - Coach Daybreak looks at you

1947. and says, "You can hit the showers, bud."

1948. - Oh great, great, does anybody,

1949. I'll see all you boys on the hill.

1950. - Nobody else starts to leave and you notice it.

1951. - I'll meet you all there.

1952. - He says, "You're not on the team."

1953. - I'm sorry, what?

1954. I'm sorry, what?

1955. - You're not on the team.

1956. - I ran faster and I, my father paid you.

1957. My father paid you money.

1958. - What the hell did you just say?

1959. See all the other students look around

1960. and he says, "Buddy, you got a big mouth

1961. "and no heart, you will never be an Owlbear."

1962. You see that he goes, he takes a red slip out,

1963. "That's detention, pal."

1964. - You know what, you know what, that's fine.

1965. 'Cause clearly, clearly I'm better than all of you

1966. and bloodrush, right, you know what?

1967. I don't need this, I don't need any of you,

1968. and you know what, Ragh, none of your jokes are funny.

1969. I didn't like any of them.

1970. - What the hell, that's not what you said!

1971. And Ragh bursts into tears, and the other,

1972. Dayne goes like, "That's fucked up dude.

1973. "It's fucked up to tell a guy all his jokes are bad."

1974. You see that coach says, "Good luck.

1975. "You got all the moves in the world,

1976. "but it means nothing if you don't play on a team, kid."

1977. "You'll learn that the hard way."

1978. - Oh, I'm sure I will.

1979. - Fabian heads off.

1980. We'll move over to Riz real quick.

1981. Riz, you are walking down the hallway towards

1982. one of your other classes, nobody's been able

1983. to find the rogue teacher anywhere,

1984. and then it, sort of, word started to spread around

1985. that that's the deal on the first day,

1986. is you have to find the rogue teacher.

1987. - All right, so I'm just, can I do a roll to—

1988. - Do an investigation check. - Investigation check, okay.

1989. Lookin' around the halls, sniffin' around with my,

1990. ooh, that's not good.

1991. What'd I get, 11.

1992. 11, you are out near the front of the school

1993. and you see that one of the students

1994. is talking to, he looks like a sort of lavender skinned elf,

1995. very beautiful, and she's speaking to this guy

1996. who's like, got a black leather jacket

1997. and a white t-shirt, and tight jeans,

1998. who's next to a big motorcycle

1999. and he's this Tiefling, big horns,

2000. he looks like— - Daddy?

2001. - He looks like, a little bit too old

2002. to be a student, he's kinda got an arm

2003. on her waist, and he's leaning against his motorcycle.

2004. They're out in the front, near the driveway.

2005. And you just see this, sort of, couple

2006. and she's kind of talking to him,

2007. and he's sort of like greaser looking Tiefling guy.

2008. A big long horns swept back, and she's sort of giggling

2009. and he's sort of smiling and laughing at her,

2010. and you see that Penelope Everpetal

2011. who was sort of the popular girl

2012. who was handing out fliers, walks up

2013. and says, "Hi, Sam, can I talk to you real quick?

2014. "I don't mean to interrupt you and your boyfriend

2015. "who hangs out around the school and doesn't go here."

2016. What are you gonna do as you see this?

2017. - I guess I'll try to kind of hide and sneak up

2018. and listen to their conversation.

2019. - Awesome.

2020. - So that is a 23 for stealth.

2021. - Awesome, 23? - Yeah.

2022. - Oh, fuck yeah, you see that,

2023. as you get closer, you see that it's actually not an elf,

2024. that Sam, her hair is flowing slightly,

2025. and she's a water genasi, right,

2026. so she's like a water elemental kinda thing.

2027. You see she says, "Penelope, I'm busy right now.

2028. "Johnny is just stopping by real quick

2029. "and I can talk to you after school."

2030. And she goes, "Um, now, Sam, would be good."

2031. You see that the guy, the Tiefling,

2032. sorta looks over and he's looking at Penelope

2033. with that face of a weirdo adult hanging out

2034. at a high school, just like, you're not the person

2035. I'm dating and I have no facial expression

2036. as I'm watching you, just like.

2037. You see that— - I guess I'll try

2038. and I'll sneak up behind him and I'll tap on his back.

2039. - His arms are engulfed with green flame

2040. and he turns around and says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

2041. "Watch the jacket, kid." - Sorry.

2042. - "You have any idea who you're talking to?"

2043. - Johnny? - Johnny Spells.

2044. - Do you go here? - You see

2045. he puts on sunglasses, "Hell no, I don't go here."

2046. - No? - No, that's my girlfriend.

2047. You see that Sam waves and says,

2048. "Hi, can I help you?" - I'm friends with your friend

2049. and I point to the cheerleader girl.

2050. - See, Penelope says, "Oh my god,

2051. "are you the ball from earlier?"

2052. - "Yeah", I turn to Johnny Spells, "they call me Ball".

2053. - Why do they call you Ball?

2054. - 'Cause I ball, dude. - I don't believe that.

2055. - Ball. - I don't believe you.

2056. - I got shoved in a garbage can, okay, man?

2057. - Tough, I know what it's like to get shit on.

2058. - So you, where you from man?

2059. I live at the Strongtower Luxury Apartments,

2060. just me and my mom. - Where I'm from

2061. is the same place I'm goin', buddy, nowhere.

2062. - Could I get a perception check if this dude

2063. actually rules or—

2064. 'Cause right now, I think he rules.

2065. That is a, it's only a nine.

2066. - This dude fuckin' rules.

2067. - Cool. - You see Sam says,

2068. "Johnny, I gotta go deal with Penelope.

2069. "Are you okay if we meet up later?"

2070. And he goes, "Yeah babe, maybe, I don't know,

2071. "I might be busy,"

2072. "I'll see you around kid."

2073. He fucking takes off on his motorcycle.

2074. - Johnny Spells!

2075. - You think Johnny Spells rules.

2076. - You see that Sam looks over at you and goes like,

2077. "He totally rules." - He seems pretty cool.

2078. - Johnny Spells. - How did you meet Johnny?

2079. - He hangs around the high school.

2080. - Whooo.

2081. No, he seems awesome, how old is he?

2082. - I don't know, I think he's, he had a birthday

2083. and I think he gave a real ID and could drink,

2084. so, I think 21, maybe? - Right, cool.

2085. Do you know, has he dated anybody else at this school?

2086. - You see that Penelope says, "Sam, we're going,"

2087. and make an insight check.

2088. - Cool

2089. - 18 plus, 22 total.

2090. - Penelope didn't like that. - Mmkay.

2091. - She didn't like that you said that at all.

2092. She grabs Sam and runs into the school.

2093. - Not so sure about Johnny Spells.

2094. Cool, so I guess I will follow them in.

2095. - Cool, you follow them in and you see them

2096. duck into the girl's changing room

2097. and you hear Sam say, "What, Penny's gone."

2098. And you see she says, "I fucking know, Sam,

2099. "but now we need to talk about what happens next."

2100. And the door closes.

2101. - Are any of these guys around?

2102. - Nope, not that you can see.

2103. I guess I, oh boy.

2104. Riz runs to try to find a girl to help him.

2105. - Make an investigation check. - Cool.

2106. 18. - Cool,

2107. make a persuasion check. - Okay.

2108. 21.

2109. - Awesome, ah cool.

2110. You see that there's this extremely bejeweled dwarven girl,

2111. she's got little sideburns that go down

2112. to these little wispy strands, jewelry everywhere.

2113. She's hanging out with some friends near the water fountain

2114. as you approach her. - Okay, so.

2115. You've got a lot of jewels, and I can tell

2116. that you like stuff, I will give you my,

2117. I will give you my frickin' briefcase

2118. if you'll go into that changing room

2119. and tell me what those girls are saying.

2120. I think one of them has a crush on one of my friends.

2121. - You see, she says, "Your briefcase?"

2122. - Okay, well, what do you want, what do you want?

2123. - You see that she says, "I don't know,

2124. "give me 20 gold pieces." - Fuck it.

2125. I know, what if I, I, is there anything from the school

2126. you want, I'll take something for you.

2127. - She says, "Okay, yeah, steal me a teabag

2128. "of that gross tea that Principal Aguefort

2129. "is always drinking." - Yeah, sure.

2130. Okay, will you go in there now?

2131. - Go give me the teabag. - Fine, okay.

2132. - I run off to go find a teabag.

2133. - Cool, you go, you find Principal Aguefort's office.

2134. Go ahead and tell me how you're getting in.

2135. The door is locked. - Mmmmm.

2136. I guess I'll try to, try to unlock it?

2137. - Cool. - I guess,

2138. what skill would that be, like sleight of hand or?

2139. - Yeah, make a perception then make a sleight of hand.

2140. - Okay. - That actually

2141. is a tool proficiency that I think you have.

2142. - Ah, okay.

2143. So I did bad on whatever that was, perception was a four.

2144. - Cool, four is bad. - It's a door.

2145. - And then roll again. - Okay.

2146. Oh boy, sleight of hand, seven.

2147. - You mess with the door, and the door actually opens.

2148. - Sweet, I look for his tea.

2149. - You walk in and see Vice Principal Goldenhoard.

2150. Immediate detention!

2151. - All right, look at that, wild.

2152. We are up to five on day one, these just happened

2153. during the day, that's good, all right.

2154. I run and try to grab his tea.

2155. - He looks at you, yeah.

2156. Go ahead and make an opposed athletics check.

2157. You can do acrobatics. - Okay, good.

2158. 21!

2159. - You grab it and bounce. - I'm so sorry.

2160. I'll go to detention later, I promise.

2161. - You have to go to detention!

2162. You see he's just barreling down the hallway after you.

2163. You run, find the dwarven girl.

2164. She says, "Oh my god, you actually got it?"

2165. - Yeah, I got it. - You're a fuckin' freak.

2166. Riz Gukgak!

2167. She goes, all right, I'll go listen, fuckin' weirdo.

2168. And she heads off, you see Goldenhoard,

2169. you see there's sort of fire coming out from his mouth.

2170. Makin' me run, that's wild, that's a wild thing

2171. for you to do.

2172. Oh, here we go, detention. - Thank you, sir.

2173. Well deserved. - Cool, towards the end

2174. of the day, when you're all back in the assembly hall,

2175. and Principal Aguefort says, "Concluding this,

2176. "our first day today, at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy,

2177. "we will now begin the wonderful process

2178. "of the day of fellowship, you all have the rest

2179. "of the afternoon to meet with the friends

2180. "you've made and form your first adventuring parties.

2181. "This, most critical afternoon

2182. "will be you banding together for the rest of your time

2183. "here at Aguefort, I hope you will find the people

2184. "that you have the most in common with

2185. "and that you feel the most excited about

2186. "becoming heroes and solving the problems of the world

2187. "through violence and strange arcana."

2188. You see that Vice Principal Goldenhoard

2189. grabs the mic and says,

2190. "Except for those with detention,

2191. "you will be expected in detention."

2192. You see Coach Daybreak comes over to you, Kristen.

2193. "Hey, Kristen, I wanted to talk to you real quick.

2194. "A lot of the adventuring parties are kinda forming

2195. "this afternoon, do you have any idea

2196. "about who you'd wanna maybe

2197. "form an adventuring party with?"

2198. - Anyone who isn't already religious.

2199. - Sorry? - I really like the church,

2200. I really like the community and stuff like that,

2201. but I really wanted to come to this school

2202. and meet people who are not non-believers,

2203. just not believers yet, pre-believers.

2204. - Okay, well, I was thinking about

2205. maybe getting you with some other kids

2206. that really love Helio and kind of already—

2207. - Agh, no. - No?

2208. - No, no, no, no, that's just an echo chamber.

2209. I mean we've all heard of that, right?

2210. I wanna get out there, meet new people,

2211. I wanna, that's the sound of chimes, baby,

2212. bouncing off each other, creating a beautiful noise.

2213. - Kristen, you see these five all being talked to

2214. by Goldenhoard about how there's gonna be lunch

2215. and then after, the afternoon classes

2216. there's gonna be— - I wanna go

2217. with the bad kids. - What?

2218. Kristen, you don't belong with the bad kids.

2219. You're a good kid, you went to church camp.

2220. - Yes, exactly, you know how much yeast you need

2221. to make an entire loaf rise?

2222. Just a little pinch and I can be that little pinch.

2223. - I don't think you're yeast.

2224. I feel like you have more— - I think so.

2225. I think so. - Oh god, oh god.

2226. - Please, please, give me detention,

2227. if they're all going to detention

2228. just give me detention and I can go in there.

2229. - I can't give you detention, for what?

2230. - The other day I went to a party and I drank

2231. what looked like a bottle of vodka, but it was water.

2232. I keep putting water in alcohol things to fit in.

2233. - You want me to give you detention for not drinking?

2234. - I want not just to give me detention,

2235. I want you to yell right now and make a really big scene

2236. and make it seem like I did something terrible.

2237. - I, all right, everybody listen up.

2238. Kristen Applebees, bore false witness.

2239. - That's like, a cardinal sin.

2240. - Yeah, well, you lied because you weren't drinkin' vodka

2241. and you should always, I can't say this.

2242. - At least you coulda said I stole some,

2243. you coulda gone way, coulda been way easier than that.

2244. - Well, you know what? - Bore false witness!

2245. - You bore false witness!

2246. You see that Vice Principal Goldenhoard looks over

2247. and says, "Coach, that's not, that's a religious rule,

2248. "that's got almost nothing to do."

2249. - Well, you heard the man, sounds like I got detention.

2250. - You see he hands the red card to you.

2251. All right, kiddo.

2252. - Where do I even go with this?

2253. Hey guys. - What did you do?

2254. - I bore false witness. - What is that?

2255. - I wanna do that. - It means she lied.

2256. - Yeah, I— - To who?

2257. To anyone, you just talk about that?

2258. - To, before a higher power.

2259. Yeah, it's kind of compli- what do you guys do?

2260. - We punched each other. - Oh yeah, I remember.

2261. - I'm too good at sports.

2262. - I couldn't eat the steak that was a ghost steak,

2263. I couldn't pick it up.

2264. - I stole a stupid book because my stupid sister

2265. told me it was a good idea.

2266. - I tried to get you out of that.

2267. - It was really cool how honest you were about that, though.

2268. - I stole some tea. - Wow, a lot of thieves.

2269. God I'm just like Jesus.

2270. - Just like Helio.

2271. - You guys get in line for lunch

2272. and you start going through the lunch counter,

2273. and you see the lunch lady, Doreen,

2274. starts puttin' creamed corn and stuff on your guys' trays.

2275. - I've never eaten a surprise before.

2276. - Well, it's tuna surprise, very surprising.

2277. Okay, here's your tray, here you go.

2278. You see this tuna surprise,

2279. and you see that there are just chunks of ham in the tuna.

2280. - Ooh, it's sour somehow. - Riz just gobbles it down.

2281. - Excuse me, Miss, I can't eat this.

2282. Do you have something, what are the other options?

2283. I'd like to eat another option.

2284. - Another option? - Yeah, is there,

2285. I mean, I'm assuming there's a menu

2286. that I can order from, or something I can make a choice of,

2287. assuming there's something else, all right?

2288. - There's no way that I could, you want me to get you,

2289. I could get you ketchup, I could do—

2290. - Miss, ketchup is not a meal. - You picked, like to ketchup?

2291. - For, as a meal, is ketchup a thing in your culture?

2292. - Put vinegar on it, I don't know!

2293. - All right, Jesus.

2294. - I down my whole tray as well.

2295. - I'm gonna need Kristen to make another,

2296. athl- sorry, an opposed acrobatics check,

2297. so this is a dexterity roll. - Oh boy.

2298. - Good, I have negative three off the bat.

2299. 12. - Ah, cool.

2300. You see that Ragh, the half orc jock

2301. grabs your Bible out of your hand

2302. and tosses it into the kitchen.

2303. And you see, it goes whoosh, whoosh, whoosh

2304. and spins and lands in a big vat

2305. of the creamed corn and sinks into it.

2306. And you see he goes, "That's what you get

2307. "for boring what you, what you did,

2308. "that's what you did, that's what you get for that."

2309. - Good thing I already know the whole thing by heart.

2310. - I cast Mage Hand and pull the book

2311. out of the creamed corn. - Cool.

2312. You see that as you go to start pulling the book

2313. out of the creamed corn,

2314. the book pops out, it's covered in creamed corn.

2315. And there's a ton of goop all over it.

2316. You see the lunch lady says, "All right,

2317. "all right, everybody you all gotta go.

2318. "Everybody go sit down."

2319. Ragh says "Think about it next time."

2320. - Who the fuck is that guy?

2321. - Don't even bother, he's a fucking oaf.

2322. - A freaking idiot. - You guys have your lunch,

2323. and after lunch you guys are in detention,

2324. you see the lawn outside, beautiful afternoon,

2325. filled with students all like "Oh, you're my new best friend

2326. "and we're gonna be adventurers, yeah,

2327. "let's make an adventuring party."

2328. And you see that Vice Principal Goldenhoard

2329. and a sort of young gnome who is a very rosy cheeked

2330. and he's got sort of watery blue eyes walks in.

2331. See they step in and Vice Principal Goldenhoard says,

2332. "Well, well, well, troublemakers, yeah, and Kristen.

2333. "Troublemaking bothers me at a deep level.

2334. "This school can be a dangerous place.

2335. "Students put a lot on the line here.

2336. "And you, with your tomfoolery, your jackanapery

2337. "and your shenanigans are a liability

2338. "that cannot be allowed.

2339. "Mr. Gibbons will handle your disciplinary

2340. "action while I'm gone."

2341. So he turns and walks out, and you see that the gnome

2342. hoists himself up so he's sitting on the edge of the desk

2343. and he goes, "Okay, so how do we feel about what we did?

2344. "Yeah, right here."

2345. - I technically have diplomatic immunity

2346. and, do I have to be here?

2347. - I feel bad.

2348. I didn't mean to punch you.

2349. I got so mad. - I didn't do,

2350. I did punch you, but it wasn't worth it,

2351. but I shouldn't be here, my crime was being too good

2352. for the bloodrush team. - You punched him.

2353. - Okay. - Yeah, you punched him.

2354. - Yeah, you punched him.

2355. - You're not objective. - I also admitted that

2356. I also admitted

2357. that I punched him, I said that.

2358. - Wow, okay, so that's a lot of feelings, okay?

2359. How's everything at home, guys?

2360. Everything good? - It's great.

2361. - Everything good at home?

2362. Okay, now he, now— - Why are you crying?

2363. - Why am I crying? - Mm-hmmm.

2364. - Because I guess you tapped into something

2365. that, you know, maybe home's not great.

2366. - Okay. - Maybe home's not great.

2367. - Okay, now those are strong feelings, okay,

2368. and I'm here to talk about anything, okay?

2369. If you have any problems, yes, right here?

2370. - Can't we just do lines instead of talking?

2371. - Yes, Jesus Christ. - Wow, wow, strong feelings

2372. all the way around, now there's something

2373. that I wanna talk to all of you about.

2374. You guys hear a scream.

2375. A bloodcurdling scream from down the hallway.

2376. Mr. Gibbons whips his head around and looks.

2377. What do you guys do? - Riz takes off.

2378. - I follow him. - I'll go.

2379. - Same. - What?

2380. - I mean, I guess if everybody's going,

2381. we should go? - Now, hold on guys,

2382. don't rush into anything. - There ya go.

2383. - I just see them running and I think we're making

2384. a jailbreak.

2385. - You guys sprint, you run as fast as you can.

2386. The scream comes from the cafeteria.

2387. - Doreen!

2388. - You burst forward, the doors open,

2389. you look ahead of you and flitting around

2390. the cafeteria are horrifying

2391. little shapes with long wings.

2392. You see corn gremlins, cobs of corn

2393. with malevolent eyes and wide mouths.

2394. Tearing at the walls and ripping banners,

2395. and far into the cafeteria,

2396. you see Doreen, the lunch lady,

2397. with her back turned to you, slowly gazing

2398. behind her shoulder, deep sunken eyes,

2399. malevolent yellow as spell energy

2400. pulsing with arcane power wraps around her ladle.

2401. "Hey kids, it's lunch time again,

2402. "because we had lunch earlier, but bad lunch this time."

2403. - If you explain the joke, it's not a good joke.

2404. - It was bad last time. - It's a bad lunch.

2405. It's a bad lunch. - No.

2406. - A monstrous pulsating mountain of creamed corn

2407. rises up, towering behind her

2408. a colossal ooze begins to pseudopod its way forward.

2409. And I'm gonna need all you guys roll initiative.

2410. - Ooh, okay.

2411. And that's where we'll leave off this week

2412. on Fantasy High, get ready for combat,

2413. ladies and gentlemen.

2414. Our intrepid heroes are now facing

2415. the lunch lady Doreen and a colossal corn ooze.

2416. - I'm gonna double fist my rapier

2417. into one of the buttholes.

2418. - How big is this thing's butthole, goblin size?

2419. - Yes.

2420. - Did you go down?

2421. - Bye bitches.

2422. - What did you just do?