Detroiters 1x3

1. Oh, shit!

2. Ow, ow.

3. - Are you okay? - Here, can you give me a hand?

4. - Yeah. - Okay. Oh, gosh.

5. Ow, okay.

6. Hi.

7. - I'm Sam. - I'm Samantha.

8. My friends call me Sam, so...

9. What a coincidence.

10. My friends call me Samantha.

11. Oh!

12. Sam. Sam!

13. Tim's stomach is upset,

14. and he wants you to come rub his belly.

15. - Why don't you do it? - He wants you.

16. Tell him to bring the Vernors. My guts are going nuts.

17. And he wants you to bring the Vernors.

18. - Yeah, I heard him. - My guts are going nuts!

19. I've, uh... I've got to go.

20. My friend can't poop unless I rub his belly.

21. I'll be right back if you...

22. - I think I'm gonna go. - Okay.

23. It's probably a no-go, okay.

24. - Okay. - Ooh, you're with a lady.

25. Shut up, Tim.

26. So WebMD says I have colitis.

27. Turns out when I lost all that weight,

28. I thought I was getting healthier.

29. I was actually getting sick.

30. So now I can't have milk, ice cream, cheese.

31. Can't have yogurt.

32. - Dairy. - Yeah, exactly. Dairy.

33. Can't have it, so Chrissy made me

34. a dairy-free dinner last night.

35. It was actually pretty good.

36. God, I love her.

37. Honestly, every day I wake up,

38. I'm so thankful to have her.

39. When are you gonna settle down, man?

40. - Can you help us settle a bet? - Sure.

41. Excuse me!

42. We're talking!

43. Move it along.

44. Thanks.

45. Seriously, man, when are you gonna settle down?

46. It's amazing.

47. Yeah, Tim, I do want to meet somebody.

48. Then what is stopping you?

49. Hey, I like your shirt.

50. That color looks great on you.

51. Oh, so you just interrupt people?

52. Is that your whole gig, you interrupt folks?

53. We don't know who you are.

54. Later, dude.

55. Seriously, why are you not settling down?

56. Because of you, Tim!

57. It's impossible to meet girls around you.

58. Okay, that's insane.

59. Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, I'm insane, then.

60. Suit yourself, man. Giving you advice.

61. What if he's right?

62. What if he is insane

63. and I'm just a figment of his imagination?

64. Oh, man.

65. Oh, no.

66. Oh, crap.

67. Tell Sam the Vernors kicked in.

68. Tim said to tell you the Vernors started working.

69. Ah, that means he had to go home and dump.

70. Everybody knows what that means.

71. Yeah, grown man can only poop at home.

72. I can poop anywhere, anytime.

73. - Okay. - Yzerman Drive was bananas.

74. Yeah, well, it's Hockeytown, babe.

75. Sandy, get me a pop.

76. Make that two pops,

77. and I'll take some apps and ranch.

78. Excuse us.

79. Can we use your stool for our jackets?

80. Yeah, go nuts.

81. Oh, remind me.

82. We got to stop at Meijer's

83. for some crackers and pop.

84. What the...

85. You can't do that.

86. I'd like to order him a martini.

87. Absolutely.

88. I didn't order that, and I'm not paying for that.

89. It's a freaking scam, dude.

90. Compliments of Councilwoman Gwinnett.

91. Oh!

92. Ah.

93. - Hi there. - Hey.

94. Uh, thanks for the drink.

95. Oh, sure.

96. Are you alone?

97. Well, not anymore.

98. I'm looking for a good time.

99. Well... you found one.

100. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

101. Hey.

102. - That was good. - Yeah.

103. So... until the next time.

104. I mean, well, there's got to be

105. a lot of reasons why she'd leave $300

106. on my nightstand.

107. Sure, maybe she broke something

108. and she wanted to pay for it.

109. Morning hot dogs for Sam

110. and hot dogs benedict for my lady.

111. Thank you, babe.

112. Well, she did rip my Superman underwear

113. when she took them off.

114. Well, there you go.

115. But if that's true,

116. she wildly overvalued them.

117. Not if you account for sentimental value.

118. - You loved those. - I did love those.

119. - You did. - Well, that's it.

120. That's it. We figured it out.

121. That's easy. That's actually pretty easy.

122. That's one of our best mysteries.

123. No. Sam, she thinks you're a whore.

124. Chrissy!

125. Why would she need a prostitute?

126. She's amazing.

127. Hold on.

128. Eliot Spitzer was amazing.

129. - Is. - Is.

130. He looks like Skeletor with the skin on.

131. Mm-mm-mm!

132. And he used prostitutes, Sam.

133. Mm-hmm.

134. Ow!

135. Aw, suki, suki!

136. Oh, my God, you're a full-on prostitute now.

137. No, I'm not.

138. My lady just likes her baby looking fine,

139. so she gives me monetary gifts

140. so I can buy nice things.

141. Now, where's the remote?

142. Rachel's giving a press conference,

143. and she said she's gonna work my name into her speech.

144. I would like to assure the people of Detroit

145. that I have done no wrong.

146. And at the Sam time...

147. Psh, barely.

148. I'm sorry, at the same time,

149. I would also like to apologize to Speaker Roberts

150. for... calling him a minion.

151. Any questions?

152. Look at him.

153. Over here.

154. Right here, right here, right here.

155. Councilwoman, I have a question for you.

156. - Hey. - Hey, babe. How are you?

157. I'm good.

158. How was your day? Anything happen?

159. You know Cheryl who works on the line next to me?

160. Of course.

161. Turns out she was an undercover boss.

162. No shit.

163. Yeah, fake hair, fake nose, everything.

164. She's, like, the CEO of Chrysler.

165. - Wow. - Yeah. How was your day?

166. Sam's a full-on prostitute now.

167. Yeah, monochrome suit, earring, the whole nine yards.

168. What an idiot.

169. Such an idiot, getting all dressed up,

170. having drinks at fancy hotels.

171. Then going upstairs for dirty, meaningless sex

172. with no strings attached.

173. Monochrome suits, earring, the whole nine yards.

174. No names, just sweat and bodies.

175. Monochrome suit.

176. What do you want for dinner?

177. Milk and cheese, please.

178. - You can't have dairy. - Pizza.

179. I got you something.

180. It's a Pandora bracelet.

181. 'Cause, you know,

182. that's the nature of our relationship.

183. We both give each other things, you know.

184. Yup, this one's a heart, you know, for obvious reasons.

185. This one's an owl because you finished college.

186. And this one's a soccer ball because it's rad.

187. I'm sorry.

188. Sam, did I misinterpret something?

189. What do you mean?

190. Are you a prostitute?

191. What?

192. Are you a prostitute?

193. I'm sorry, one more time.

194. Are you sure you're a prostitute?

195. M-me?

196. Of course I'm a prostitute, all right?

197. Just checking.

198. Good.

199. Good night, Sam,

200. or whatever your real name is.

201. It's Sam.

202. From the lady.

203. I don't want it.

204. Hey, wait...

205. I'm a fricking whore.

206. Sam.

207. What is the meaning of this?

208. "Get satisfied today by Sam 'The Man' Duvet"?

209. Tim, she pressed me about really being

210. a prostitute; I freaked out.

211. You know, I thought I got to create a paper trail.

212. This is offensive.

213. Tim, I'm not actually a prostitute.

214. No, I'm offended you didn't come to me to produce this ad.

215. I could have done so much with you.

216. Can't even see your nipples.

217. How's it doing?

218. Not bad.

219. A lot of texts, mostly wang pics.

220. The real mistake was using my actual phone number.

221. Oh, sure, yeah.

222. Oh, come on.

223. Oh!

224. Tim, you think this is all worth it?

225. Do you think she really likes me?

226. No, man.

227. I think she thinks you're a fricking prostitute.

228. Yeah, but I really, really like her,

229. and, you know, maybe if I keep this up long enough,

230. she'll discover that she really, really likes me too.

231. Like in "She's All That"?

232. Exactly like in "She's All That."

233. I have a delivery from Councilwoman Gwinnett

234. for Sam Duvet?

235. Councilwoman Gwinnett would like to see you

236. at the charity event tonight

237. at the Detroit Institute of Arts.

238. She'd like you to wear this.

239. Tim, a tuxedo,

240. a charity event, a museum?

241. Mm.

242. Tim, tonight might be the night.

243. You did it.

244. You "She's All That'd" her.

245. I sure did.

246. Change in plans.

247. I need you to get out of here.

248. - Get out of here? - Yes.

249. And who is that?

250. Is that another pro?

251. Does he have an ad in the paper?

252. Because I do.

253. That's my husband.

254. - Husband? - Yes.

255. You're married?

256. Sam, would you keep your voice down?

257. I will not keep my voice down!

258. Okay, Sam, you need to pull it together.

259. I mean, what am I to you?

260. A man that I pay for sex.

261. Yeah, but when we met,

262. didn't you feel a connection?

263. No, not really.

264. You were at the Jefferson Hotel.

265. You were holding a single rose.

266. That's the signal for a honey boy

267. open for business.

268. So that's all I am to you, huh?

269. Just some honey boy, huh?

270. That's all I am,

271. just some big dick for money, huh?

272. Is that it?

273. Just a veiny wang with a knot at the end

274. and two huge, pendulum balls?

275. Is that all I am, huh?

276. Yeah, just a guy with a Joe Louis fist in his pants

277. and a freshly bleached butthole you could eat off of?

278. Mwah! Mama mia.

279. Is that it?

280. Well, Rachel, this huge,

281. honking pecker is attached to a body,

282. and that body has a heart

283. and a soul and a brain

284. and arms, feet, neck,

285. and... and... and... and... and...

286. - Sam. - Yeah, I know.

287. I lost the thread there.

288. What was I s...

289. And just a huge pecker!

290. From the lady.

291. Thanks for the drink.

292. I'm looking for a date tonight.

293. That's gonna cost you.

294. How much?

295. $1 million.

296. A million dollars?

297. Worth every penny.

298. No, thanks.

299. What do you mean, "No, thanks"?

300. We're pretending. What's it matter?

301. A million dollars?

302. It's pretend money.

303. Okay,

304. what does a million dollars get me?

305. Salad tossing, to completion.

306. $500,000.

307. Ooh!

308. Fine, I'll do it,

309. but my pimp's gonna kill me.

310. Say, pretty boy,

311. what's your name?

312. Sam Duvet.

313. Ugh, Tim, that's nasty.

314. You could pick any name in the world,

315. and you pick my brother's?

316. My name is...

317. Chrissy Cramblin.

318. That's my name.

319. I'm not good at making up names.

320. - Just come on. - My name?

321. Bubba Sparxxx.

322. Hey, pal. You all right?

323. I don't want to talk about it.

324. Scandal rocks local government

325. as Councilwoman Rachel Gwinnett

326. was caught using city funds

327. to buy the services of a local male prostitute.

328. Oh, no. My parents are gonna see this.

329. Don't worry. They won't know it's you.

330. The honey boy in question, Sam "The Man" Duvet,

331. was confirmed to be a prostitute

332. thanks to the following unreleased ad.

333. Are you a party girl?

334. I can dance all night, baby.

335. Touching.

336. Licking.

337. Butts.

338. Orgasmic.

339. Well, how'd they get that?

340. I sent it in.

341. It's the best thing we've ever done, Sam.

342. We now go live

343. to Councilwoman Gwinnett's press conference.

344. Once again, I apologize to the city of Detroit.

345. I've let you down.

346. I should have never consorted

347. with that bimbo.

348. And the worst thing is, he wasn't all that good.

349. Oh, well, she's lying about that.

350. - Sure, I know. - He wasn't all that good.

351. And he had an aggressively medium wang.

352. She's lying! She's a liar.

353. Next up, Red Wings fans

354. have something to cheer about,

355. as they recover two frozen bodies from the ice.

356. See those girls playing pool?

357. One of them was looking at you.

358. Come on, I'll introduce you.

359. - No way. - Oh, don't be nervous.

360. I'm not nervous, Tim. You're just a terrible wingman.

361. Fine, I'll just stay here.

362. You go on over there.

363. I'm just some guy at the bar

364. who doesn't even know you, doesn't love you.

365. Go on, buddy.

366. - Thanks, buddy. - Yeah.

367. I got next.

368. Well, that means you'll be playing me.

369. - Oh, does it? - Mm-hmm.

370. - I'm Sam. - Vickie. Nice to meet you.

371. - Nice to meet you. - Sorry, ladies.

372. - Don't. - I don't know this guy.

373. But I want to say...

374. Why would you touch me?

375. He seems like a great guy,

376. the kind of guy you'd be proud

377. to bring home to your parents.

378. Just thought I'd drop by and say that.

379. I'll get out of your way.

380. - That was weird. - Right?

381. Well, he's not wrong.

382. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

383. Mm!

384. So you playing eight ball?

385. - Yeah. - I'm sorry.

386. I just realized that last interaction

387. may have come across a little weird.

388. That's because I forgot to introduce myself.

389. My name's Mike Cyclops. I work for NASA.

390. - NASA? - And let me just tell you,

391. there is a lot they're not telling you, man.

392. Trust me.

393. I worked security at Area 51.

394. Got kicked out for banging one of the aliens.

395. She was hot too.

396. She, he, it... It had everything,

397. and I love that.

398. Oh, God, I miss her. I really do.

399. Uh...

400. Uh, so what...

401. - I'm sorry. - Oh, for ...

402. I lied. I do know him.

403. I was his Uber driver.

404. I just wanted to come over here

405. and tell you that, in case you felt

406. that there was an undeniable preexisting chemistry.

407. Yeah, I'm an Uber driver.

408. It's actually pretty fun. It can be fun.

409. Yeah, all right. Yeah, great.

410. - So... - Two fricking stars?

411. Are you kidding me?

412. After you farted in my car?

413. Tim!

414. Didn't even roll down the window.

415. - Ew! - Tim, why are you doing this?

416. I don't know.

417. I think, deep down,

418. I want to sabotage your relationships

419. so I can have you all to myself.

420. He's a piece of shit.

421. Uh...

422. So, uh, Veronica...

423. - Vickie. - Vickie.

424. - Whatever. - Vickie, yeah.

425. I couldn't help but notice you were watching me,

426. checking me out from over at the bar.

427. Yeah, you're that prostitute from the news, right?

428. I was never really a prostitute.

429. Let's make that clear.

430. She just paid me for sex.