Detroiters 1x2

1. So then the guy comes in the store

2. soaking wet, looks straight to camera

3. and goes, "Um, I'd like to buy a kayak."

4. You'll be up a creek with a paddle.

5. Really, really funny.

6. Do not change a freaking word, you hear me?

7. So Sebastian, when do you want to shoot this puppy?

8. We can be ready by "mondee."

9. Oh, no, no, no can do, fellas.

10. I am walking out that door and I'm headed to Dubai

11. for a week of sand surfing.

12. - A week? - Yeah.

13. What about work?

14. Exactly. What about it?

15. See, gentlemen, I have seven stores

16. that are doing what? Gangbusters.

17. Now, I could worry over every little detail

18. and die behind a desk from a bullet to the temple

19. like my daddy did,

20. but I prefer to delegate like my mommy did.

21. Little piece of advice for you, fellas.

22. Don't let making a living interfere with making a life.

23. Fellas. I got to go.

24. Well, Sebastian, enjoy Dubai.

25. Oh, it's going to be impossible not to.

26. Now it looks like you guys

27. could stand a little vacation yourselves.

28. I mean, look how tired Tim looks.

29. Oh, uh, that's just the shape of my face, sir.

30. No, I mean those huge black circles under your eyes.

31. You look tired.

32. It's just how I look, sir, how my skull is.

33. Yeah, but your eyes, they look so sad.

34. Mm-hmm.

35. Like you've lived 100 lives.

36. Okay.

37. I mean, take Sam here, for example.

38. He doesn't look tired at all.

39. So one week then, or...

40. Sebastian's so cool.

41. He's probably our coolest client.

42. I think he's the coolest guy I've ever met.

43. - Did you see his jacket? Leather. - Mm-hmm.

44. Came in here and completely owned our couch.

45. - I know. - Guy smells like a steak.

46. - A real good steak. - Hey, guys.

47. - 'Sup, Lea? - How you gonna...

48. - What's going on? - What's going on?

49. - What's happening right now? - What are you in here for?

50. You know how I always have to stuff

51. all of our gear into my car for every shoot?

52. - Yeah, it's so funny. - Yeah.

53. Well, I found a cheap production van we can buy.

54. Where?

55. At the police auction for impounded vehicles.

56. - Was this involved in a crime? - Yes.

57. Tim and Sam! I got a bunch

58. of new commercial ideas for you guys, man.

59. Sorry, Ned. Can't talk right now.

60. For real? Hey, they gon' 100%

61. suck your with these new ones, man,

62. I'm telling you. Listen to this.

63. Ready for this?

64. Now for white people.

65. Great stuff, Ned. Tell you what.

66. You make an appointment sometime,

67. we'll hear all your pitches.

68. Hey, thank you, man. I'ma hold you to that, man.

69. I appreciate it! Mm!

70. What do you think?

71. - Slams okay. - Mm-hmm.

72. - Want to give it a test drive? - Yeah.

73. Seats are comfy.

74. It's nice.

75. You guys done jerking each other off?

76. You see jizz everywhere, Lea?

77. Yeah, Lea, if we were jerking each other off,

78. there'd be jizz everywhere.

79. I'll put in our bid.

80. This is great.

81. We can get twice as much work done with this van.

82. Absolutely. We can work twice as hard.

83. Work ourselves into the ground

84. until we blow our brains out like Sebastian's dad.

85. Or go insane like my dad.

86. Mm-hmm. Well,

87. let's go get this work van for work.

88. Let's do it.

89. Assholes.

90. I got to get back on that road, man.

91. Oh, wow, I'm gonna go nuts in here.

92. Oh, tell me about it.

93. Is that stuff working?

94. I don't know.

95. The guy at the store said it's makeup for plays

96. that have a dumpy uncle character.

97. Hey, pecker, eyes off the hog! Pecker's taking a selfie.

98. I'll tell you this, man.

99. I don't get back out on that hog,

100. I'm about four or five seconds from wilin'.

101. I'm about two, three seconds from wilin'.

102. I'm like, one second from wilin'.

103. Gentlemen. Ned is here.

104. The security guard?

105. He said you told him to set up an appointment.

106. Sheila!

107. You weren't actually supposed to set that up.

108. Oh, I guess I had a dumb blonde moment.

109. She thinks she's blonde?

110. I hope y'all ready for this shit, man.

111. This shit is coming out of the idea oven hot and fresh.

112. Let's see what you got.

113. All right.

114. Chris Brown is walking to the store.

115. Did he just say Chris Brown?

116. Chris Brown is getting his baby some diapers, right?

117. Chris Brown's having a bad day 'cause he just found out

118. that his woman is cheating on him,

119. and the baby he been buying all these diapers

120. and groceries and shit for

121. is not even his baby, and he's got to piss.

122. The baby or Chris Brown?

123. Chris Brown. The baby's dead.

124. - Oh, for sure. - Yeah, yeah. Of course.

125. So then he can't even hold it anymore.

126. He's like, "Oh, I got to go to a restaurant."

127. I got to pee immediately," right?

128. Bam. He goes to the restaurant,

129. but the restaurant has a restroom

130. that says, "For whites only."

131. He's like, "What?"

132. "For whites only?" Then he thinks about it,

133. like, "wait a minute, I got all these diapers."

134. So next thing you know, we cut. Bam.

135. We see the back of Chris Brown's legs, right?

136. Then a big-ass dick falls out of his drawers.

137. It's like, oh, he might have a disease.

138. Way too big for sex or anything,

139. and he's pissing in the diaper, and it's like...

140. He looks back at the camera and says,

141. They can hold a man's piss."

142. I mean, it's great stuff, Ned.

143. Just one problem.

144. I mean, we don't have the "diapers" account.

145. Even if we did I'm pretty sure we can't show any of that stuff.

146. - Yeah. - Okay, I got more.

147. - I'm not married to anything. - Right.

148. Next one. A guy's running from the cops, right?

149. He's running fast. "Get down!

150. We got a runner!"

151. Right?

152. He has on Reeboks. So fast!

153. The police have on Nikes.

154. Hell, no, they're not gon' catch him.

155. He about to run to the finish line.

156. Ha! Victory!

157. Got away from the police! Bam!

158. They shoot him. He dead.

159. Reeboks. He dead.

160. - What else you got? - Ready for this one?

161. Okay, a guy's sticking his dick all in a big-ass tub of butter.

162. - Oh, lord. Uh-huh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

163. He just, boop, dropping holes in the butter.

164. Boop, dropping holes in the butter.

165. Boop, dropping holes in the butter...

166. Dick holes. Next thing you know,

167. the cops come, shoot him. He dead.

168. Butter. He dead.

169. - Okay. - There's a guy

170. walking around town dancing with his hand in his pocket.

171. Okay, and then what happens?

172. He just dances. That's it.

173. Okay. Well, Ned, this is all great stuff

174. and we'd love to hear it, but we got actually

175. a really important meeting we got to get to.

176. Gentlemen, Dale Diebenkorn is here

177. and he's stinking up the place.

178. "No sale" Dale.

179. That guy is a fricking pud.

180. Can't believe we're gonna be in here stuck with that idiot

181. instead of out there on our crotch rocket.

182. We've been pitching to this choad

183. for a year and a half, and he's never bought anything.

184. Tim, Cramblin-Duvet's doing what?

185. Gangbusters.

186. Maybe it's time we decided whether we want to be

187. in here making a living

188. or out there making a life.

189. I get you.

190. Can I have these?

191. Dale, I'd like to introduce you

192. to our brand new hot shot copywriter Ned.

193. You're in really good hands.

194. Ned's going to walk you through some of our ideas

195. that we're really excited about.

196. Put 'er there, Dale.

197. Man, you got a nice-ass neck, you know that?

198. You can tell a lot about a man by his neck, man,

199. and you got a strong one.

200. Uh, thanks.

201. Sweet! We'll get out of your hair.

202. It's almost like a Benjamin Franklin neck.

203. You kind of got a Benjamin Franklin whole head.

204. - Whoo! - Whoo!

205. I am gonna miss the hog today,

206. but we got to get back to the real world.

207. Back to the grind.

208. Morning, Sheila.

209. Good morning, gentlemen.

210. Where are you two going?

211. To stuff all this equipment into my car

212. because you two idiots didn't buy a van.

213. Hey guys, nice jackets.

214. - Thank you. - I've always worn this.

215. All right. Appreciate everything.

216. Oh, hey, guys.

217. You were right about Ned.

218. He's amazing.

219. This commercial's going to be great.

220. Sure is.

221. What commercial?

222. Oh, Dale's commercial.

223. Oh, no, Ned's commercial.

224. Let's go shoot this bitch.

225. Let's do it.

226. Well, good luck.

227. I guess we got to get to this commercial shoot?

228. Yeah. I mean, I guess it'd be totally irresponsible

229. to leave an entire shoot to Ned

230. and just go riding around on a hog all day.

231. Oh, for sure.

232. If I gave even the smallest shit about Dale's pud ass,

233. I'd put a stop to this right now.

234. And plus my crotch is throbbin' for a rocket.

235. Oh. My crotch is achin' for one!

236. - Let's do this, baby. - Let's do it.

237. - Night, Sheila. - Night, Sheila.

238. Good night, gentlemen.

239. Other way, Tommy.

240. What the heck?

241. - Stay safe, guys. - See ya, guys. Good times.

242. Earlier today, the ghost of a pedophile

243. was spotted haunting the old Boblo amusement park.

244. Here's the interesting thing:

245. The ghost was... Get this... a woman.

246. More after these messages.

247. Oh, look, it's Ned's commercial.

248. Right now at Detroit Optical Glasses,

249. we have hunky specs, but be warned:

250. Hunky specs will make you feel like grooving.

251. - Freeze! - Sorry, officers.

252. Can't freeze. I got to dance.

253. He's resisting.

254. Stop resisting!

255. Hunky specs will make you feel like grooving.

256. Only at D-O-G.

257. But I'm white!

258. Presented by Cramblin Advertising.

259. Oh, man. That was bad.

260. I can't believe Ned put a title card at the end of it.

261. Now everybody'going to think we made that turd.

262. Dale's probably so pissed.

263. Should we call him and ask him if he wants us to pull the spot?

264. - Yeah, maybe. - I don't usually comment

265. on the commercials,

266. but that was a lot of fun.

267. Let's see it again. Can we?

268. Right now at Detroit Optical Glasses...

269. What... The... Whoo-hoo.

270. Hunky specs that make you feel like grooving.

271. I got to get me some of those horny specs.

272. I don't get it.

273. Are they laughing with it or at it?

274. They're just laughing, Sam.

275. They're feeling joy.

276. I don't get it.

277. It's nothing!

278. Stop dancing!

279. You're wasting your time!

280. Don't look at me, asshole!

281. Sebastian, how was Dubai?

282. Oh, incredible.

283. You know, I went to the Burj Khalifa

284. and I did that thing that Tom Cruise did

285. Impossible."

286. Oh. You climbed up the windows with suction cups?

287. I got to wear the mask of another man's face.

288. Holy shit.

289. That's cool.

290. So Sebastian,

291. we're going to be shooting your commercial tomorrow.

292. Uh, any questions or concerns?

293. Actually, yes. Uh, let's scrap it.

294. What?

295. Yeah. I want the dance.

296. The dance?

297. Yes, you know. The hunky specs.

298. Yeah, yeah. I want... I want that.

299. Okay, uh, what if we just added a dance component

300. to the commercial that we already pitched you?

301. Yeah, like, uh, what if,

302. like, maybe the dad in the tent

303. kind of, like, wiggles his booty?

304. Oh, yeah, yeah, he makes his booty clap.

305. Oh, that's good.

306. Actually, that's great. You know, that could work.

307. - It definitely could. - Guys, guys, guys.

308. Don't leave me half-hard here.

309. Why are we talking about the old ad?

310. I want the full-on dance treatment.

311. That's what I want.

312. All right. Okay.

313. Um... So, okay.

314. All right, so maybe you're, um,

315. maybe you're walking through your store,

316. you look to camera, you're just like...

317. Why would I do that?

318. I don't know, sir.

319. It's not sexy.

320. Uh, well, actually, what if the dance is more like, uh...

321. Okay.

322. Feel it. Feel it.

323. You feel it.

324. You just kind of feel it.

325. You're gonna... ooh.

326. Oh, there's something in my tummy.

327. It's more groovin'.

328. It's groovin'.

329. Now it's a baby.

330. There it is.

331. Fellas, is this some sort of joke?

332. Because I consider myself a really chill dude,

333. but you are pissing me off.

334. Now, what happened to the guys who

335. came up with the hunky specs commercial, huh?

336. Look, you have every right to be angry.

337. Please allow us a moment to discuss.

338. No.

339. What are we gonna do now?

340. I don't know.

341. I honestly thought my dancing was sexy.

342. Gentlemen.

343. Jean and Louise Strhol

344. from Strhol's Icecream are here to see you.

345. Strhol's Icecream?

346. We have been trying to get a meeting with them for months.

347. This is huge. Where are they?

348. I put them in the conference room.

349. Son of a bitch.

350. Crap.

351. Hello, Mother.

352. Sheila, can you tell Ned

353. he has two clients waiting for him?

354. Where are you two going?

355. Doesn't matter.

356. Good-bye, Mother.

357. Bitch.

358. If you could start over and do any job in the entire world,

359. what would you do?

360. Probably make commercials at Cramblin-Duvet.

361. Me too.

362. What would you do if you had $10 million?

363. I'd expand Cramblin-Duvet,

364. get a bigger building with on-site daycare.

365. Can I be honest with you, Sam?

366. Yeah, bud.

367. I am scared every second on that thing.

368. Tim, I hate it. If you stop, you fall.

369. Yeah, and if you fall, you die.

370. Yeah, and then you die, it just goes black.

371. You don't even hear anything.

372. Why would they make something that does that?

373. I mean, I don't even like being outside.

374. No, me neither. Let's get out of here.

375. I just saw one of those big, fat, fuzzy bees.

376. Nice bike.

377. It's yours.

378. Need a helmet?

379. Don't need one.

380. Hey, guys.

381. Ned. What are you doing down here?

382. Guys, thanks for letting me work for the company.

383. I really appreciate it, great experience.

384. But I found I like my ideas better as ideas.

385. You know, 'cause once the money gets involved,

386. is it even art anymore?

387. Plus, the ice cream ladies really, really didn't like

388. the commercial I made for them.

389. - Oh, no. - What'd you do, Ned?

390. I had a guy put his dick in the ice cream.

391. Yeah, you can't do that.

392. Yeah. It turns out they don't like that.

393. But they're wrong.

394. - No, I know. - Yeah.

395. - I know. - Good luck, Ned.

396. You guys hang in there, man. It's tough up there.

397. You know, fellas, I'm sorry.

398. After talking to Ned,

399. I think I want to go back to the first idea.

400. Yeah, I think that is a great call.

401. You're cool with that?

402. - Yes. Yes. - Yes.

403. Unless of course Ned can get Chris Brown.

404. He cannot.

405. It's Lea.

406. And Tommy pencils.

407. They got a van.

408. - You got the van? - Yep,

409. and it was even cheaper. The guy who bought it

410. at the police auction was murdered in it.

411. - Oh, score. - Oh, and Tommy has

412. a surprise for you.

413. He worked really hard on it.

414. Be nice.

415. Ta-da!

416. Is that us?

417. Yes it is, fellas. Do you like it?

418. Yeah. Good job, Tommy.

419. Great job, Tommy.

420. Yeah, great job, Tommy.

421. I like how you captured my pink lips.

422. Yeah, I like how you captured my little corn cob mouth.

423. And my raccoon mask, and my gray, gray skin.

424. - Yellow ears. - Yellow nose, too.

425. And my double chin.

426. Make sure you got the double chin perfectly.

427. Yeah, no, I see it, man. I see it.

428. Pube hair, pube eyebrows.

429. My whole goblin face.

430. And I got your blue eyes!

431. Yeah, you did.

432. Thanks, Tommy.

433. You're welcome, Tim.