Detroiters 1x10

1. - Humpf. - Another round?

2. No, I think I'm good.

3. It's open bar

4. - Let's get another round. - Yeah, let's get one. Come on.

5. - Fun night. - Yeah.

6. I don't even care if we win.

7. Oh, we're gonna win.

8. Yeah, of course, totally,

9. but I'm saying even if we don't win...

10. Yeah, we're gonna.

11. Yeah, no, I know. I mean, same page.

12. I'm just saying that, you know, I'm so proud

13. of the work that we've done that I don't need

14. the validation of my peers to make me feel good about it.

15. - Yeah. But we're gonna win. - Yes.

16. Hey, how ya doin'? I'll have four Boston Coolers.

17. But put some booze in 'em.

18. Can I have four White Russians?

19. Maybe put some booze in that?

20. You know what? Four more Boston Coolers.

21. No booze.

22. I'll tell you what. You know what?

23. Put some booze in them. A little booze in those.

24. - Wow, you guys must be thirsty. - Carter?

25. Carter Grant, VP of marketing, Chrysler?

26. - Well, not anymore. - Oh, you changed your name?

27. No, same name.

28. - Um, I actually got fired. - What happened?

29. Well, I've hit a string of bad luck as of late.

30. It all started with that accident I was in.

31. You guys remember that?

32. Doesn't ring a bell.

33. Oh. Well, I got run over by some maniac.

34. It damaged your leg permanently?

35. We are so sorry...

36. that happened to you.

37. Well, no, no.

38. This is actually, uh, from a separate incident.

39. Actually, the doctor that I had after the hit-and-run

40. got me back in tip-top shape.

41. Yeah, he was great.

42. In fact, he was so great that my wife left me for him.

43. - Carter! - No, I'm being serious.

44. - Oh, crap. - Yeah, it's all right.

45. No, it's okay. It was my fault, though.

46. You know, uh, all the pain meds

47. that I was on in the hospital got me drinking again,

48. and that was something I promised her I'd never do.

49. You know, that led to my accident.

50. - Drunk driving. - Oh, no, no, no.

51. This was actually from mixed martial arts fighting.

52. Yeah, guy ripped off my patella.

53. I just sort of threw myself into it after Susan left me.

54. I was horrible at it, you know.

55. Just kept getting my ass kicked by black guys.

56. Why say black guys?

57. 'Cause I could beat all the white guys.

58. - Oh, yeah, sure. - Yeah.

59. No, I thought this injury was my rock bottom,

60. but, uh, well, then this happened.

61. - Luke Skywalker hand! - Whoa!

62. - Yeah. - How did that happen?

63. Yeah, well, you're gonna think this is made up,

64. but my dad cut off my hand.

65. - Oh! - Yeah.

66. Hey, silver lining, it did sober me up. Yeah.

67. And I got rehired back at Chrysler.

68. - Oh, good. - Yeah.

69. By my old protégé, who's now the VP of marketing.

70. Half the salary, got a cubicle instead of an office,

71. so yep, it's been a long,

72. rough road recently for old Carter Grant.

73. I'll tell you what.

74. Winning a D Award tonight,

75. that'll make the pain go away.

76. We're actually up for the last ad

77. we made under my watch.

78. Oh, it was the Chrysler Pacifica spot

79. that you guys missed out on.

80. Wait, that campaign was for a specific car?

81. I thought it was just for Chrysler in general.

82. No, car companies don't really make generic commercials

83. for the entire brand.

84. If you want a specific car, get a Chrysler Pacifica.

85. It's a little late.

86. And not very good.

87. Understand.

88. Looks like your drinks are here.

89. Oh, yeah.

90. Well... good luck, Carter.

91. Yeah, good luck.

92. Thanks, guys.

93. Really appreciate it.

94. You remind me of, uh,

95. better times.

96. I should go sit down,

97. as I'm in a great deal of pain.

98. Okay.

99. Excuse me. Could we...

100. Like, a tray or something?

101. - Something to carry this? - Just a tray...

102. What you've done here is ridiculous.

103. Ladies and gentlemen,

104. please welcome to the stage our host for the evening,

105. Detroit's favorite son,

106. the cohost of "Tool Time,"

107. Al Borland!

108. Thank you very much.

109. Uh, you know, I asked them not to introduce me like that.

110. Al Borland is a fictional character

111. from a show called "Home Improvement."

112. I am not Al Borland.

113. I'm Richard Karn, and I'd like to welcome you

114. to Detroit Advertising's night of the year:

115. the D Awards!

116. I'll tell you, the producers asked me

117. not to sing tonight.

118. Yeah, right.

119. Maestro!

120. And the D for graphic design...

121. Pomerantz and Klein!

122. Crazy Morgan.

123. Okay, folks, this is it.

124. The D Award for Consumer TV: Thirty Second Single.

125. First up, Downriver Ale from Doner.

126. Kid Rock: Detroit. A city on its knees.

127. But we're ready to get back up and stand tall.

128. This is our town, and this is our beer:

129. Downriver Ale.

130. Little Caesars, also from Doner.

131. Kid Rock: Detroit.

132. It's not the size of the dog in the fight.

133. It's the size of the fight in the dog.

134. Is that Kid Rock again?

135. Kid Rock: Little Caesars.

136. This is our pizza pizza.

137. Chrysler Pacifica from Pomerantz and Klein.

138. Kid Rock: Detroit knows a little something

139. about hard work.

140. Those other towns?

141. They're hardly working.

142. Chrysler Pacifica.

143. This is our car.

144. And finally,

145. Quick Rick Mahorn in Dearborn.

146. Cramblin-Duvet Advertising?

147. Rick Mahorn from the Pistons has a car dealership?

148. I did not know that.

149. Let's take a look.

150. Who's the superhero saving Detroit from high prices?

151. Quick Rick Mahorn in Dearborn!

152. Help! I need to buy a car fast!

153. Who can help me?

154. I can help you.

155. It's me, Quick Rick Mahorn of Dearborn.

156. My parents were killed in an alley,

157. so I became a superhero who can run fast.

158. I can put you into an affordable used car like that.

159. Thanks, Rick Mahorn. That was fast.

160. My work here is done.

161. I think I'll run to France and get me a croissant.

162. Ooh, la, la.

163. You want a fast deal,

164. come to Quick Rick Mahorn in Dearborn.

165. And the winner is...

166. Doner, Downriver Ale!

167. Bullshit!

168. We'll get 'em next time, bud.

169. Even if we don't, it's still fun.

170. We'll get 'em next time.

171. - All right. - Uh, guys.

172. Hey, Carter. Tough break, man.

173. It's all right.

174. You know, you win some, you lose...

175. everything.

176. Who knew everyone was gonna use Kid Rock, right?

177. Yeah, there was a lot of Kid Rock.

178. There was. There really was.

179. Anyway, um, this is Judy Thompson.

180. She's director of marketing for Quicken Loans.

181. They're actually, uh, on the hunt for a new agency.

182. Yeah, someone small and local, and I...

183. Well, you know, I recommended you guys.

184. Carter raves about you two.

185. I'd love to meet with you next week.

186. - Absolutely. - Yeah, we'll give you a call.

187. Sounds good.

188. Take care.

189. - Thank you, Carter. - Yeah.

190. That was very nice of you.

191. Ah, don't worry about it.

192. I figure I owe you guys one.

193. All right.

194. Ow.

195. Ow.

196. We set in motion a chain of events

197. that ruined a man's life.

198. I can't believe this time yesterday,

199. all I cared about was winning a stupid D Award.

200. Well, we never stood a chance.

201. Yeah, I know that now.

202. Morning, Sheila.

203. These are for you.

204. Oh, thank you, Rick. They're lovely.

205. You think the guys are in right now?

206. I want to talk to them about another ad.

207. - Go right in. - Thank you.

208. I mean, how are we gonna compete with agencies

209. like Doner and Pomerantz and Klein?

210. We can't.

211. With their budgets, they can get the best actors.

212. I mean, they have Kid Rock.

213. Meanwhile we're stuck with Rick Mahorn.

214. - Yeah. - I mean, bless his heart,

215. but Rick Mahorn can't act his way out of a wet paper bag.

216. Well, let's not dwell on it.

217. Let's just come up with a pitch for Quicken Loans.

218. Yeah, okay. Um...

219. - Quicken Loans. - Quicken Loans.

220. Quicken Loans, Bicken Bones.

221. - Maybe. - Yeah?

222. Why is our first move always to rhyme?

223. Well, don't question the process.

224. Besides, Bicken Bones ain't nothing.

225. Oh, absolutely not.

226. Rick Mahorn can't act his way out of a wet paper bag.

227. Ooh, yeah.

228. Very good. Very good. Excellent.

229. Lose all of your inhibitions.

230. Yes.

231. Oh, can we help you?

232. Yes, you can. I want to learn how to act.

233. You've come to the right place.

234. Join us.

235. You ready?

236. No. Are you ready?

237. No.

238. So what do you have for us?

239. We open on a family in front of their dream home.

240. In order to afford the dream home,

241. the family needs a loan. Why?

242. Because two maniacs ran over their dad and ruined his life.

243. So the dad's long gone.

244. Lost his hand.

245. Are you guys talking about Carter Grant?

246. - No. - Can we finish, please?

247. - Okay. - Um, so the mom needs a loan.

248. Who does she turn to?

249. The big stuffy banks? Psh, no, thanks.

250. Quicken Loans?

251. Hmm. Maybe.

252. But who are they?

253. What are they? I don't know.

254. Why?

255. Because you need a mascot.

256. Buying a home should be fun.

257. It shouldn't be scary.

258. It shouldn't make you think of your own mortality

259. and that we're all gonna die

260. and one day, a man's gonna shove cotton up your butthole.

261. I apologize; I'm going through some personal stuff right now,

262. and I think some of it's seeping out.

263. Yeah, me too; I'm going through

264. the same stuff as him, actually.

265. Yeah, it's the same personal stuff

266. - that we're going through. - Exact same event.

267. Uh...

268. buying a home should be fun.

269. It shouldn't be scary.

270. It...

271. You know what?

272. I'm sorry. I can't do this.

273. I'm well aware that we have you

274. in the palm of our hands right now,

275. and I could pull down this card right now,

276. show you this mascot.

277. Oh. Oh!

278. And it would blow each and every one of you

279. out of the water.

280. But I'm afraid that would all be fruit

281. from a poisonous tree.

282. So we respectfully decline your business.

283. Thank you for your time.

284. Thank you for your time and your respect.

285. - Thank you. - No worries.

286. To be honest, we just set this meeting up to be polite.

287. You know, I wish people would quit doing that!

288. It's mean!

289. This is, like, our real job, you know what I mean?

290. It's not, like, a game.

291. Ugh!

292. What a frickin' joke.

293. I've got to see this mascot.

294. What did he tell you, Bobby?

295. Huck's been shot. He's dead.

296. He's in heaven.

297. Uh, and scene.

298. You loved Huck.

299. - Thanks, Coach. - Mm-hmm.

300. And again.

301. What did he tell you, Bobby?

302. He said Huck's been shot.

303. He's dead.

304. He's going to heaven now.

305. And scene.

306. Yes!

307. Yes!

308. I think we found our Mama.

309. I can't live like this anymore.

310. We have to tell Carter what we did.

311. No way, man.

312. We'll go to jail, Sam.

313. We almost killed him.

314. So, uh, do you have any ideas for a commercial?

315. We have to be honest, man.

316. We don't.

317. What's the name of your store again?

318. It's just called Electronics Store.

319. Yeah, there's nothing we can do with that.

320. And so the proof turned out not to be in the pudding

321. but, rather, in the murderer's blood and semen.

322. We'll be back after these words.

323. This weekend, be sure to catch "All the Fixin's,"

324. an original play starring Pistons legend Rick Mahorn.

325. Rick Mahorn's in a play?

326. It's got all the laughs, all the tears,

327. all the fixin's.

328. That's what the TV said.

329. Tim, just... Obviously.

330. Prisoner 44,

331. why should we let you out of jail today?

332. Because it's my mama's birthday.

333. Hey, hey, what's up? What's up?

334. Hey, where's mama?

335. Bobby, Mama's sick.

336. I've done everything I can for this family,

337. worked my fingers to the bone.

338. Don't talk to me like that.

339. - I'm a grown-ass man. - Stop it. Enough!

340. I'm going to get Mama.

341. - Mama! - Mama!

342. I've been in this bed

343. listening to y'all in here fussing and cussing.

344. I ain't raised y'all like that.

345. Go for it, Rick.

346. Someone set that stove on

347. and bring me all the fixin's.

348. Whoo!

349. You think we gon' miss a meal in this house?

350. Bullshit!

351. I'll never get a chance to tell Mama the truth

352. of what I did that day,

353. and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

354. We have to tell Carter.

355. Yeah, we'll tell him first thing tomorrow.

356. Detroit basketball!

357. Rick! Rick! Rick!

358. Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

359. Don't look over there.

360. Those are cars that haven't been released yet.

361. I'm screwing around.

362. Well, this is me.

363. I know. I know. It's small.

364. - Oh, no. - It is.

365. - Tim. - It is.

366. So I heard you guys really tanked the Quicken Loans meeting, huh?

367. - Just chunked it. - Yeah?

368. Yeah, but that's actually not why we're here.

369. Carter, we have something

370. very important to tell you.

371. Yeah? Well, you're catching me on a good day.

372. You're not gonna believe this, but, uh,

373. well, I was walking home last night.

374. Who do I bump into? Shandy Hogan.

375. - Wow! - Oh, that's great!

376. - What are the odds? - Oh, you know her.

377. - No. - We were just being supportive.

378. Yeah, go on, Shandy Hogan or whatever.

379. Yeah, Shandy Hogan, yeah, my high school sweetheart.

380. First girl I ever loved,

381. and guess what she does for a living.

382. - Pilot. - No.

383. - Sleazy record producer. - No.

384. - Drummer. - No.

385. Professional muscle lady.

386. No, guys, it's something good.

387. - Knight. - City councilwoman?

388. No, she's a physical therapist.

389. - Yeah, that's okay. - Oh, sweet.

390. No, it is good, because we started talking about my leg.

391. Yeah, next thing you know, we're having dinner together.

392. Next thing you know, we've been talking so long

393. that the restaurant closes around us and they had to kick us out.

394. Oh, those assholes!

395. Oh, no, it was fine.

396. It was great, actually.

397. I'm gonna see her again tonight.

398. Oh, Carter, that's great.

399. It's funny, you know?

400. Had I met her a year ago,

401. I would have been married to some woman that, let's face it,

402. I obviously wasn't supposed to be with.

403. Ain't life something?

404. So I guess you're saying

405. getting hit by that car

406. was the best thing that ever happened to you.

407. Well, I wouldn't say that.

408. Would you, please?

409. Please what?

410. Say getting hit by that car

411. was the best thing that ever happened to you?

412. - Why? - No reason.

413. Might be fun to say out loud.

414. See how it feels.

415. You guys ran over me.

416. Yeah. Yeah, we ran over you.

417. Guilty!

418. You guys ran over me. You did.

419. You put a bag of chips on my head,

420. and you dumped me in the woods, and you left me for dead.

421. "You threw me in the woods and left me for dead."

422. Hey, did you? Yes or no?

423. Yes! We ran you over.

424. Carter, we are so sorry.

425. You dumb son of a bitches ruined my life.

426. Look, it was just an accident.

427. Yeah, Carter, we'll do anything to make it up to you.

428. Make it up to me? How are you gonna make up

429. starting off a chain of events that led to this?

430. Well, I mean, there's got to be something.

431. No, there's nothing you could do

432. to make us even for what you've done to me.

433. Yes, there is.

434. Oh, you think I'm just gonna let you off

435. by sucking my?

436. - That's not it. - Tim, is that it?

437. - That's not it. - Oh, okay, okay.

438. - That's not what I was thinking. - Okay.

439. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

440. This sucks!

441. You ready, assholes?

442. - No! - Hey, uh, we changed our minds.

443. Yeah? Well, tough shit, 'cause here I come.

444. Aaaah!

445. Cover up your hog!

446. I can't. My hands aren't big enough.

447. That's good.

448. Sons of bitches.

449. I'd piss on you right now,

450. but I'm a Chrysler man.

451. That's not how we do things.

452. Alright, that's it, folks!

453. I have been Richard Karn. You have been wonderful.

454. Drive safe! We'll see ya next year.

455. And if you're watching at home, I don't know how,

456. we're not televised.

457. Good night, everybody!