1. Hey, folks, it's me, Eddie Champagne,
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2. the hot tub king of Detroit.
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3. Hot tub KING of Detroit
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4. THE hot tub king of Detroit.
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5. Eddie Champagne.
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6. You think the water's too hot?
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7. It'll be fine.
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8. Okay, people.
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9. All right, let's make commercial magic.
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10. Eddie Champagne, hot tub commercial,
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11. scene ten, take one.
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12. And... Action.
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13. Hey, folks, it's me,
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14. Eddie champagne,
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15. the hot tub king of Detroit.
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16. If you don't like my prices,
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17. I'm gonna be the one in hot water.
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18. Oh, shit!
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19. Oh! Aah! Oh!
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20. Cut?
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21. Lea, tell me we got that.
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22. - We got it.
- Oh, my god!
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23. It's so hot!
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24. Oh, Ed, I'm telling ya, that reaction's
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25. gonna sell a lot of hot tubs.
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26. Oh, god.
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27. It's Felipe. They're at the chop house.
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28. Just got their steaks. We got to go.
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29. That's a wrap! Great job, everybody!
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30. Eddie, you nailed it!
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31. Thanks, guys!
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32. You guys are the ad kings of Detroit!
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33. Felipe, where are they?
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34. - Right over there.
- I mean, what could I do?
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35. I pay for the coffee.
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36. I pick up the dog, and I tell the cop
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37. that I'm with animal control,
undercover.
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38. I still have the dog.
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39. A million dollars?
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40. Heck yeah, we got a deal.
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41. Carter?
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42. Carter Grant, VP of marketing, Chrysler?
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43. Uh, yeah. Have we met?
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44. We're about to. Sam Duvet.
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45. Uh, hi, Sam.
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46. Tim Cramblin, Cramblin Advertising.
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47. Hello, Tim.
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48. Cramblin Advertising?
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49. Are you Hank Cramblin's son?
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50. That I am, yeah.
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51. You know Sally Pomerantz?
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52. Head of creative for
Pomerantz and Klein.
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53. Hank Cramblin, what a legend.
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54. How is your father?
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55. He went insane.
He lives in a nuthouse now.
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56. Oh.
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57. Well, the next time you see him,
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58. you tell him Sally Pomerantz
from Chicago said hello.
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59. He won't understand that.
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60. Talking to him is like
talking to Bugs Bunny.
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61. Well, then you tell him,
"What's up, doc?"
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62. Thank you.
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63. That'll mean a lot to him.
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64. Sally Pomerantz.
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65. Just as lovely
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66. as I'd always imagined.
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67. I mean, wrong color but...
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68. just as lovely.
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69. Yeah, he imagines everyone black.
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70. I suppose it's because I'm black.
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71. - Oh, that could be.
- Could be.
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72. - That could...
- Could...
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73. Be.
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74. Carter, we are on our way out
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75. because we already ate here.
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76. Look at these stains on our ties.
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77. Look at the receipt.
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78. I'm guessing all the
agencies are in town
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79. because you're hearing
pitches for your new campaign.
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80. Well, Cramblin would love
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81. to throw our hat in the ring on that.
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82. Oh.
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83. Well, have I seen your work?
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84. Oh, you sure have.
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85. Delta Airlines, Budweiser...
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86. No, no, no. Not your father's.
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87. Yours.
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88. Oh, uh...
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89. How about Smith's Baby
and Teen Kid Furniture?
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90. Harry Dean, the DUI lawyer?
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91. Frank Franklin insurance?
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92. Oh, I've seen that one.
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93. 313-555-0197
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94. Frank Franklin.
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95. - That's so us.
- That's us!
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96. No, it's, uh...
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97. That's a very catchy tune, yeah.
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98. But, you know, I'm just
not sure that your firm
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99. is what we're looking for
right now, gentlemen.
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100. Oh, sure, 'cause
you're probably gonna go
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101. with these fine folks from Chicago
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102. 'cause that's where you make your cars.
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103. Wait a minute. No, you don't.
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104. Where do they make their cars, Sam?
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105. Right here in Detroit.
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106. Come on, Carter.
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107. You make your cars here.
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108. Make your ads here.
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109. Fellas, it took a lot of balls
coming in here like this.
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110. Well, we were already eating here, so...
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111. Receipt, so...
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112. Right, the receipt, yeah.
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113. Um...
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114. Tell you what.
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115. Why don't you come by tomorrow?
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116. Hmm? 8:00.
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117. 8:00? I can't at 8:00. I just can't.
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118. I have dinner with my wife,
and I can't cancel.
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119. Oh, no, I meant A.M.
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120. A.M., yeah. Makes way more sense.
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121. - Yeah.
- A little early.
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122. We'll be there, okay?
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123. See you in the morning. Thank you.
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124. Okay.
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125. Gentlemen.
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126. Mrs. Pomerantz.
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127. Ms.
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128. Oh.
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129. Ooh!
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130. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
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131. Hoo!
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132. Got a lot of work to do.
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133. Oh, no, there he goes.
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134. Oh, I was so scared in there.
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135. I know you were. You were great, though.
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136. - You honestly were great.
- Really?
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137. Thanks, buddy. You were great too.
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138. No, it's not 'cause...
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139. The food is good.
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140. - Yeah.
- Leave room for dessert...
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141. Shh. Let it go.
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142. I'm right here, bud.
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143. I'm right here, buddy.
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144. Okay, Chrysler.
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145. Chrysler.
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146. You'll love the visor in
your brand-new Chrysler.
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147. If I don't get a Chrysler,
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148. I'm gonna cry, sir.
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149. Jesus Chrysler!
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150. What a car!
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151. I'm taking off for the day,
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152. unless there's anything you need,
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153. anything at all, big Hank.
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154. Ms. Portnadi, Hank was my father.
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155. I'm Tim, remember?
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156. Whoops.
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157. I dropped my pencil.
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158. Can I just leave it there?
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159. - Yes, please.
- For the love of god, do.
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160. - Yes.
- Night, Sheila.
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161. Okay, Chrysler. Chrysler.
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162. You guys ready to edit
the hot tub commercial?
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163. Lea, that's small potatoes.
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164. We're working on a big old potato.
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165. You can go ahead and do it yourself.
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166. You sure?
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167. Lea, you're in film school.
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168. I think you can edit
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169. a hot tub commercial by yourself.
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170. Thanks, guys.
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171. I will not let you down.
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172. Uh...
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173. All right, let's stop screwing around.
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174. It's 12 hours till the pitch.
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175. Be nicer. Drive a Chrysler.
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176. - You suck.
- No, you suck.
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177. You got nothing.
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178. - You got nothing.
- I... everything.
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179. You got nothing.
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180. - Foul!
- That's on me!
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181. Foul!
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182. Oh, travel! Oh, travel!
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183. - Whoa!
- Whoa.
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184. I can't believe that
didn't break the window.
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185. I know.
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186. It's almost like it's unbreakable.
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187. - Stapler.
- Stapler.
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188. - Oh!
- Oh! Oh!
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189. Oh, my god!
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190. Oh, man!
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191. Ninja throw!
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192. Wow, didn't even.
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193. It didn't even.
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194. Coffeepot! Coffeepot!
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195. Coffeepot!
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196. Go!
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197. - Oh!
- Yes!
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198. Hello! Who is it?
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199. Candleholder!
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200. Candleholder!
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201. - Candleholder.
- Candleholder!
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202. - Candleholder.
- Candleholder!
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203. Candleholder.
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204. Oh!
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205. Oh!
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206. So it did break.
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207. It didn't break. It shattered.
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208. One...
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209. Two...
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210. Whoa.
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211. Oh!
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212. Old diet pills.
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213. These things were basically speed.
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214. Huh.
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215. Expired January 1974.
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216. You think it's safe
to take some of those?
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217. I don't know.
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218. How about this?
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219. Open on dad driving through the rain
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220. in a brand-new Chrysler 300.
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221. Across town, his daughter
walks into a tattoo parlor.
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222. Hands a pile of cash
to the man at the counter.
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223. Biker-type dude, like, a real mean guy,
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224. like, a neo-nazi.
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225. Yeah, she points to the sign
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226. that says "nipple piercing,"
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227. takes off her shirt, pulls down her bra.
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228. We see everything.
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229. Yes.
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230. Cut to...
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231. Dad races across town.
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232. Close-up.
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233. Biker's meaty, hairy hand
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234. grabs the daughter's nipple.
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235. Pulls it out as far as it'll go.
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236. Oh, it's farther than you think.
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237. Yeah, it's way farther, man.
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238. Biker pierces the nipple.
Daughter moans.
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239. Drop of red blood rolls down
her milky black breast.
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240. - No, milky white breast.
- I pictured black.
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241. - Keep going.
- In the reflection,
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242. the drop of blood rolling down
the daughter's breast,
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243. we see the father
standing in the window.
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244. He sighs.
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245. He smiles.
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246. Says, "My baby's all growed up."
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247. "Got to let her fly."
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248. Chrysler.
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249. Time to fly.
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250. - Yes.
- Yes.
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251. - Yes.
- Yes!
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252. Yes!
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253. You know, the more I think about it,
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254. I don't think we can show
a boob in a commercial.
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255. No. No, we can't.
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256. They wouldn't let us air
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257. that nursing home commercial
with a boob in it.
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258. And that was just an accident.
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259. Hey, Judy? Two more beers.
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260. You got it.
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261. Two beers.
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262. Hot or cold?
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263. Well, cold.
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264. Come on, man.
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265. Oh, it's time for Eddie's commercial.
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266. Uh, Judy, can you turn on the TV?
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267. Sure.
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268. And that's one murder
that... had a happy ending.
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269. We'll be right back with
sports and weather after this.
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270. Hi, folks, it's me, Eddie Champagne,
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271. the hot tub king of Detroit.
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272. The hot tub king of...
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273. The hot tub king of Detroit.
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274. Oh... No.
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275. And all the king's horses
and all the king's men
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276. couldn't put Eddie together again.
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277. Oh!
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278. Did he just eat that off the ground?
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279. Ew! What did Lea do?
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280. This is not the commercial.
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281. My god, you're beautiful.
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282. You really knock me out, you know that?
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283. You wouldn't want to...
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284. ever kiss a guy like me, would you?
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285. No. Probably got a boyfriend.
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286. He's young and... Virile.
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287. I must disgust you.
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288. Wish I would have met you when I was 18.
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289. I was amazing then.
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290. Eddie Champagne,
the hot tub king of Detroit.
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291. Wow.
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292. Normally I don't comment
on the commercials,
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293. but that was very bad.
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294. Oh, we're in trouble.
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295. Looks like rain is
headed our way, but...
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296. Let's get out of here.
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297. - Thank you, Judy.
- Thanks, Judy.
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298. You want a doggie bag for your beers?
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299. - What are you talking about?
- That's a dumb idea.
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300. We're dead.
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301. Eddie's gonna kill us,
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302. and we have got nothing
on this Chrysler pitch.
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303. We'll come up with something.
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304. No, we won't, man. We're dumb.
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305. Hey.
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306. Hey.
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307. You remember when we first
took over your dad's company
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308. and everybody quit and
all the clients left
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309. all in the same day?
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310. Yeah, of course I remember.
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311. Well, you remember, like, a year later,
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312. we got our first client?
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313. Sure, Stan from the carpet store.
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314. Yeah, what'd he want to call himself?
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315. What'd he want to call himself?
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316. Big Stan the Carpet Guy.
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317. What did we call him?
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318. Big Stan the Carpet Man.
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319. That's right, and why?
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320. 'Cause it rhymed.
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321. 'Cause it rhymed.
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322. Yes.
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323. See, buddy? We did it then.
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324. We'll do it...
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325. - Now.
- Again, buddy.
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326. It's... 'cause it rhymes with "then."
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327. It's got to rhyme for it to work.
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328. That's the whole point of it.
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329. - Oh, here come the trucks!
- Here we go!
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330. Here come the big rigs!
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331. - Here we go, big Steve.
- Go get 'em, pal!
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332. Whoo! Thataway, Clint!
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333. You the man, Steve!
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334. Oh, happy birthday!
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335. Big Lou!
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336. Lou!
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337. - Oh, and wolf man.
- Oh, wolf man!
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338. Yeah, I know it's a long shot,
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339. but I really want to nail
this Chrysler pitch.
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340. I know. We will, pal.
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341. Yeah, not just for us.
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342. For everyone, for the whole city.
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343. Go, Kathy.
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344. Norman Drummond!
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345. I mean, Chrysler isn't just a company.
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346. It's... it's these guys.
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347. It's our friends. It's our family.
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348. Yeah, every Chrysler
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349. is the city of Detroit on four wheels.
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350. That's it.
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351. That's the pitch.
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352. That's the pitch. We got the pitch.
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353. We got the pitch, buddy.
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354. - We got the pitch!
- We got the pitch!
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355. We got the pitch!
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356. And that's why every Chrysler
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357. is like the city of Detroit
on four wheels.
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358. - On four wheels.
- On four wheels. Yes.
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359. Gentlemen.
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360. Your morning hot dogs arrived.
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361. Thank you, Sheila.
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362. Knock 'em dead, big Hank.
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363. I don't...
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364. Well, there she is.
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365. As I live and breathe.
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366. Hey, did you guys like the commercial?
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367. - No!
- No, Lea, you tanked it.
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368. - You shit the bed.
- Absolutely blew it.
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369. - You blew it!
- And it sucked!
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370. Here we go.
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371. You ready?
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372. Sure I am.
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373. We did it, pal.
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374. We sure did.
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375. I paid for the coffee,
I picked up the dog,
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376. and I told the cop I was with
animal control, undercover.
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377. Oh!
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378. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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379. - Let's get the hell out of here
- Uh-uh.
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380. Let's dump his body in the woods
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381. and walk in there like nothing happened.
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382. What if he wakes up and sees us?
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383. - Leave the bag out.
- Yeah.
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384. It'll just be like
a piece of bag out there.
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385. Nobody's gonna ask anything.
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386. No, I know.
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387. He's not answering.
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388. I'm so sorry.
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389. He has never missed a meeting like this.
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390. It's fine.
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391. Just very unprofessional.
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392. Let me call his cell phone.
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393. Call his cell phone?
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394. What are you gonna call it?
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395. What?
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396. You have to do stand-up.
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397. I will, I promise.
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398. That's weird.
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399. Someone's coming out of the woods
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400. with a bag of chips on their head.
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401. You know, that is weird.
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402. - That's Carter Grant!
- Oh, my god!
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403. Did you see that guy?
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404. Is he dead?
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405. - Call 911!
- Hold his head! Hold his head!
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406. Over there!
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407. I still have that dog.
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408. Oh!
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409. Hey, Carter.
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410. - Hey.
- Hey!
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411. Remember us?
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412. Like, when's the last time
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413. you remember seeing us?
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414. At... at the steak house.
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415. Yes, because that's the last place
we saw you.
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416. - Great.
- We... we just...
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417. We brought you these.
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418. Oh. Thank you.
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419. - We just want to say...
- Yeah.
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420. You know, get well.
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421. - Feel better.
- Thanks.
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422. And, uh, also, you know,
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423. we've got a great pitch for you,
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424. when you're ready to hear it.
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425. Ah.
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426. I'm sorry, guys.
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427. I really appreciate
you coming down here,
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428. but, um, we ended up going
with Pomerantz and Klein.
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429. What?
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430. Why didn't you wait
until you heard our pitch?
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431. Honestly, I only scheduled that meeting
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432. out of respect for your father.
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433. Well, we'd still love
for you to hear the pitch.
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434. Who knows? You may reconsider.
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435. Well, fellas, with all due respect,
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436. you do late-night commercials
for furniture stores.
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437. Don't you think Chrysler's
a little bit out of your league?
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438. You know?
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439. Excuse me?
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440. Out of our league?
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441. - Oh, man!
- Well, yeah, right?
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442. Now you're definitely
gonna hear the pitch.
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443. No, I'm not.
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444. Yes, you are gonna hear the pitch.
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445. We worked the pitch,
and you're gonna hear it.
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446. You're not gonna pitch to me
in a hospital!
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447. - Uh-huh.
- Open on...
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448. Joe Louis's fist.
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449. - Mm-mm. No, no, no, no, no.
- We see an auto worker
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450. driving through town,
looking at the sights he knows.
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451. The people, the places.
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452. - His friends, his dad.
- I'm not listening.
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453. - Mm-mm.
- No, you know what?
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454. He's not listening.
He doesn't want to hear it.
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455. Very well, I'm pulling
the plug on your ass.
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456. - Do it! Kill him!
- Wait!
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457. - Say good night, pal!
- Bye!
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458. I'm not on life support, you idiot!
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459. - Why idiot?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
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460. I'm sorry, okay?
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461. Let's just all calm down
here a little bit, okay?
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462. - I'm sorry.
- Okay, we're all sorry.
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463. Best of luck, guys.
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464. It's nothing personal.
It's just business.
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465. - It's just business.
- We understand.
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466. Just business. Okay?
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467. And this is e-business we're in.
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468. - Yes. For sure.
- Yes.
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469. Every Chrysler is like
the city of Detroit
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470. - on four wheels.
- Come on, man.
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471. And this is the top, top
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472. of the bottom line.
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473. Now, this one...
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474. This one's a three-seater.
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475. It's not virgin plastic,
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476. so it's made from other stuff.
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477. This could be a bottle...
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478. Can you excuse me for one second?
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479. Eddie, we are so sorry.
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480. Boys, I got to tell you,
when that commercial aired,
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481. wife and I went at it pretty bad.
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482. I mean, I had my bags packed.
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483. I was out the door.
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484. And we decided, you know,
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485. "let's just make love one last time."
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486. For the first time ever,
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487. we tried woman on top.
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488. It was amazing.
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489. Then we tried it again,
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490. woman on top.
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491. Wasn't a fluke.
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492. I was able to last longer.
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493. It was like I was able to stall
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494. while she got what she needed.
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495. And then, when she was done,
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496. I flipped her over,
and I went real fast,
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497. so I got what I needed.
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498. That's great, Eddie.
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499. Very cool, very cool.
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500. Spent the rest of the night
in the hot tub,
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501. just laughing and talking.
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502. I found out her favorite show
is "Scandal."
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503. I didn't know that.
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504. I love "Scandal."
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505. Oh!
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506. That night, I remembered
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507. I was married to my best friend.
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508. We thought you were gonna be mad.
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509. Mad?
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510. Your commercial saved my marriage.
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511. - Great.
- Thanks, guys.
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512. Hey, babe.
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513. Hey, hon.
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514. How was your day?
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515. You won't even believe what happened.
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516. A truck axle fell on the assembly line
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517. and pinned Fred to the ground.
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518. Oh, man, what did Tony do?
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519. - Well, you know Tony.
- Yeah.
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520. He just ran around
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521. like a chicken with his dick cut off.
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522. Classic Tony.
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523. I had to lift the dang thing up myself
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524. so little Joey could come
drag him out from under it.
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525. You wore your hernia belt, right?
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526. You worry too much.
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527. I worry about you.
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528. Baby.
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529. You coming upstairs?
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530. I sure am.
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531. Sam!
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532. Sam!
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533. Sammy!
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534. What's up, bud?
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535. Just wanted to say
great work today, pal.
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536. - Thanks.
- You too, buddy.
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537. You talking to my brother?
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538. Mm-hmm.
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539. How's flipping that house going,
you idiot?
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540. You're the idiot, Chrissy.
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541. I bought this house for $20,000.
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542. And it's a lot harder than I thought.
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543. Sorry-ass.
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544. Man, shut up, dummy.
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545. - Good night.
- Night, buddy.
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546. - I love you.
- Love you too.
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547. Who even cares?
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548. - Candleholder!
- Candleholder!
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549. - Candleholder!
- Candleholder!
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550. Oh!
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551. Candleholder.
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552. So it does break.
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553. - It does break.
- So it does break.
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