Desperate Housewives 1x9

1. Previously on Desperate Housewives...

2. One was careless...

3. You put a woman into a coma. Surely, that arouses some emotion.

4. - Well, it doesn't. - You and I are finished.

5. One said goodbye.

6. I'm tired of feeling like a failure.

7. One almost lost it.

8. Your wife didn't kill herself because of my note,

9. but because of what she did to that poor baby.

10. And one got exactly what she deserved.

11. Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea.

12. Her first great idea came when she was 15,

13. after her stepfather paid her a late-night visit.

14. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day.

15. Her next occurred five years later

16. when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer.

17. One week later she began her career as a runway model,

18. which soon led to her next great idea,

19. her decision to marry Carlos Solis.

20. Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs.

21. Her most recent great idea was born out of her boredom with her new life.

22. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener,

23. which was cut short by a tragic accident.

24. So, once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea.

25. I know you're worried, but it's gonna take time.

26. What is?

27. You look sad. I assumed you were thinking about your mother-in-law.

28. - No. - So what were you thinking about?

29. My life. It hasn't turned out like I thought it would.

30. - Honey. - Oh, no. I know I shouldn't complain.

31. It's just there's something missing and I don't know what it is.

32. - Do you ever feel that way? - No.

33. When I go home at night, I sleep like a baby.

34. I know I did something that day that helped people.

35. - That must be a nice feeling. - It is.

36. There's times I wish I didn't have to work so hard.

37. We got a nursing shortage and they cut our budget.

38. Attention, all available personnel. Code blue, stat, room 214.

39. - Excuse me. - All available personnel.

40. Code blue, stat.

41. Get a doctor in here. I don't have an airway.

42. No time. I have to intubate. Mr. Getz, listen.

43. You're not dying on me, OK? This tube is to help you breathe.

44. I need you to be brave now.

45. It was then that Gabrielle got her next great idea.

46. She decided to throw the first Annual Sacred Heart Charity Fashion Show

47. to raise money for more nursing staff.

48. Gaby, I can't do it. I cannot walk down a runway in one of these dresses.

49. They all make me look so fat. Please get someone to take my place.

50. Listen, Betty! OK? You're not quitting on me now.

51. We'll find you a gown that's black and slimming and you'll look great.

52. - I need you to be brave now. - OK.

53. And that night when she went to bed, Gabrielle slept like a baby.

54. News of the fashion show spread quickly on Wisteria Lane.

55. Though the event was for charity, Gabrielle soon discovered

56. when it came to the latest fashions,

57. women are seldom charitable.

58. No one knew this better than Edie Britt.

59. She understood that treachery never goes out of style.

60. - Susan. - Give me the dress.

61. I gave it a shot.

62. Hi, Helen. How's the dress fitting?

63. Great. Maybe it could be taken out in the shoulder a little.

64. Sure. No problem.

65. There you go.

66. Gabrielle, I never thanked you properly.

67. - For what? - For what you did for my son.

68. It was so nice of you to hire John as your gardener.

69. Believe me, it's been my pleasure.

70. - How's he doing? - Good.

71. I hear he's dating Danielle Van De Kamp.

72. For now. It's just a matter of time before they break up for good.

73. What's wrong?

74. She just seems to want much more of a relationship than he does.

75. You remember what it was like dating teenage boys.

76. - Vaguely. - Thank you.

77. Tell Tanaka that if he doesn't call me

78. I'm gonna go down to his office, find him and kick his ass!

79. Ladies.

80. - Trouble at work? - I don't know.

81. He's making money left and right. I just wish he'd relax.

82. Crap! I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken.

83. Now, what the hell am I supposed to wear?

84. Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up. Why don't you wear this one?

85. This is an old-lady dress. You won't even be able to see my body.

86. Edie, you're always thinking of others.

87. So why isn't Mrs. Huber here?

88. Last I heard, she went to visit her sister.

89. I just can't believe that Martha would agree to wear this.

90. She always says she'd never be caught dead in black.

91. Sadly for Mrs. Huber, this was no longer the case.

92. - Hey, Mom. - Julie, you got a letter from Zach.

93. - Isn't that weird, him writing you? - Yeah.

94. Well, open. Open, open. He could have said something about Dana.

95. - I'll read it later. - Later? What's wrong with now?

96. I've got tons of homework, Mom.

97. Julie, what's going on?

98. This isn't the first letter from Zach.

99. We've been writing each other the last couple of weeks.

100. - Are you mad? - No. Just when I was your age,

101. my pen pal lived on a farm in Ohio, not in a mental institution.

102. That letter is one notch above prison mail.

103. Zach's not crazy. He's just upset over his Mom,

104. and his Dad doesn't even seem to care.

105. He just needs a friend.

106. I've packed the diapers, I'm getting the juice boxes and carrot sticks...

107. - Sunscreen? - Got it.

108. I go pick up the boys, we hit the park,

109. and that should give you a good couple of hours.

110. Enjoy the vacation.

111. What?

112. While you're gone, I'll be paying bills and sorting laundry and cooking dinner.

113. So what part of that sounds like a vacation?

114. OK, right. We'll pick up dinner.

115. You just take a hot bath, relax, recharge.

116. OK, I get it. It's gonna take more than a hot bath to recharge.

117. But don't forget, I'm here all week.

118. Then what?

119. And then we go back to normal?

120. Tom, our last version of normal had me popping pills. Normal is a bad plan.

121. We'll put our heads together and come up with a solution.

122. I think we need to hire a nanny full time.

123. - God, it's just such a big commitment. - I know, and we can't afford it.

124. And I know everything that's happened is my fault,

125. but if I don't get some help,

126. there's an excellent chance I will lose my mind.

127. OK. Well, then, we have to make it work.

128. No, no, no.

129. Next up: 200-meter freestyle.

130. - It's just not right. - What?

131. A woman is in a coma because of Andrew, and there he is, happy as a clam.

132. We grounded him, took away his TV. How else you wanna punish him?

133. Swimmers, take your marks.

134. I think we should make him quit the swim team.

135. Bree, this is the one thing in his life that he's passionate about.

136. Maybe if we take it away from him, he'll understand what he did.

137. He has not shown an ounce of remorse.

138. Of course he feels bad. He's just keeping up a facade.

139. Well, he's doing a fabulous job.

140. If we take him off the team, he'll lose his shot at a scholarship

141. and he's never gonna forgive us.

142. If he grows up with some humanity, that's a risk I am willing to take.

143. - Well, I'm not. - You don't love him as much as I do.

144. - Isn't that nice? - It's a fact. I'm his mother.

145. He lived inside of me.

146. He hung out in your womb back in the '80s.

147. I have grown to love him as much as you.

148. - What just happened? - That kid you both love won the race.

149. That's what she tells me, anyway.

150. John.

151. My mom said you needed volunteers, so I volunteered.

152. - Finally got the charity bug? - You sound surprised.

153. No, not really. You were always a giver.

154. Would you knock it off? My mom's right over there.

155. Have a seat.

156. You can start by helping us alphabetize the donation cards.

157. So, word is you and Danielle might break up.

158. Maybe. I don't know.

159. - Is that because of me? - Not everything is about you.

160. - Would you stop that? - Have you been thinking about me?

161. - No. - Really?

162. Could have fooled me.

163. - Hey. Do you need any help? - Please. Just pull up a chair.

164. - Gosh. - That's OK. I got it.

165. Susan, hi. Wanna help with the seating cards?

166. Wanna tell me why you had your foot in John Rowland's crotch yesterday?

167. Oh, that. He was helping me adjust the seam in my stocking,

168. and from your angle it must have looked a little weird.

169. You're sleeping with him, aren't you?

170. OK, yes, but you have to promise not to tell anybody.

171. Gabrielle, he's in high school, and it's illegal and you're married.

172. If Carlos found out, this would kill him.

173. It's just sex. It's totally harmless.

174. How can you call something like this harmless

175. after everything you know about I went through with Karl?

176. - This isn't about you. - Yes, it is.

177. Me and every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved.

178. When Karl ran off with Brandi you saw what a basket case I was.

179. I was tearing up his clothes. I couldn't get out of bed.

180. You were there. How could you do the same?

181. How can you compare me to Karl? That's not fair.

182. - You have no idea about my life. - Enlighten me.

183. You're beautiful, you have money and a husband who adores you.

184. No, he doesn't adore me. He adores having me.

185. That's a rationalization and you know it.

186. I'll see you at the show.

187. OK, honey, in you go. Hey, there.

188. - How many nannies did you interview? - Ten.

189. Each one more incompetent than the last.

190. One asked me... there you go... if she was expected to change diapers.

191. Good nannies are so hard to find.

192. I hoped to take advantage of your expertise.

193. Lord. What do you want me to do?

194. All your rich friends have nannies, A-list nannies.

195. I need to catch one without their bosses.

196. - Why? - So I can poach me one.

197. Lynette!

198. At my old job we didn't wait for good people.

199. We raided other companies. It's no different with hiring a nanny.

200. Good help is hard to find, but stealing a family's nanny is so unseemly.

201. If I make a better offer, why shouldn't a qualified person reap the benefits?

202. So, come on, where can I score some high-grade nanny?

203. Hey, Mrs. Solis. I have some awesome news.

204. I have some not-so-awesome news. You go first.

205. I broke it off with Danielle. I passed her a note in class.

206. So we can be together.

207. - John, your timing is impeccable. - What do you mean?

208. Susan Mayer saw us last night, and she knows everything.

209. Since the accident, Bree had started to worry

210. her son's sense of morality was going up in smoke.

211. She was right to be concerned.

212. Andrew? Can I come in?

213. Yeah. Just a sec.

214. Hey, what's up?

215. - Why are you smiling? - It's just a joke that I heard.

216. - What was it about? - Well, it's kinda dirty, Mom.

217. Charming. I was wondering if you've bothered to spend any time

218. reflecting on why you've been grounded

219. and the pain you've caused the Solis family.

220. Yeah. I totally get how my actions have affected, like, everything else.

221. Really?

222. I mean, you know, like, when I do something like I did,

223. then you gotta do something like you did,

224. which is, you know, it's cool,

225. because then everything just kind of balances itself out

226. and goes all smooth again.

227. - You know? - No, I don't.

228. What's that smell?

229. Have you been smoking marijuana?

230. - No, of course not. - You are strung out!

231. - No! No, Mom. - Excuse me.

232. - What's that? - The container you'll urinate into.

233. - Come on. - That hurts!

234. Doctor Sicher. What are you doing here?

235. Mr. Young, I didn't want to upset you by telling you over the phone.

236. - What is it? - Zach is missing from Silvercrest.

237. It happened yesterday evening, we think during the shift change.

238. I know this is difficult to hear. I'm sorry.

239. Yeah, well, it's just been one of those days.

240. I still don't get why you're not with Danielle any more.

241. - She looked so slutty at Ray's party. - She's not my type, I guess.

242. You still hung up on your mysterious married lady?

243. What is it with her, besides the obvious, of course?

244. We talk about real stuff. She doesn't treat me like some lame yard boy.

245. But you are a lame yard boy.

246. It's all messed up now anyway. Her friend found out about us.

247. If it gets out, her husband's gonna kill me.

248. On the upside, your social status at school is going to explode

249. now you're doing a hot housewife.

250. Shut up, dude.

251. Explain how he could just walk out.

252. With the money I pay, you can afford a padlock.

253. With all due respect, we are not a high-security facility,

254. and you restrict our ability to treat Zach.

255. What?

256. You insist we medicate him without psychotherapy, a recipe for disaster.

257. Zach is a troubled young man,

258. and he's getting progressively worse.

259. Hungry?

260. I'm starving.

261. Bree had given Lynette the low-down on Valley View Park.

262. It was a gathering place for upscale nannies and their young charges.

263. It was Lynette's first time there,

264. and she was determined not to go home alone.

265. Of course, Lynette had high standards,

266. so making a connection...

267. wasn't easy.

268. Still, she was desperate to find that special someone.

269. And that's exactly who she found.

270. OK. All righty.

271. Here's one for you, and one for Amy.

272. All right, have fun, and I'll be right here if you need me, OK?

273. From the moment she saw her...

274. - Is this seat taken? - No, go ahead.

275. Lynette knew she had to have her.

276. You are wonderful with those children.

277. Thanks.

278. - I'm Lynette. - Claire.

279. Claire? I always loved that name.

280. So, Claire...

281. Do you come here often?

282. - What's this? - Your son's urine.

283. I'm gonna need a moment.

284. I think Andrew has been smoking marijuana.

285. - Get it tested right away. - Why?

286. I want to pull him from the swim team. They'll want proof.

287. - You're not taking him off the team. - Yes, I am.

288. If you try, I'm gonna go to the coach and tell him to ignore you.

289. We're not gonna screw up Andrew's future because he sparked a doobie.

290. - I mean, come on, we've all done it. - Not all of us.

291. Rex, I thought you moved back to straighten Andrew out,

292. to teach him the consequences of his actions.

293. - Why are you fighting me on this? - Because I disagree.

294. We're still getting divorced and I won't let you push me around any more.

295. I never pushed you around. We always made our decisions together.

296. No, you always make decisions then tell me I agree.

297. 18 years of smiling and taking it. What a liar I was.

298. - Thank God you're out of my life. - Rex...

299. What are you doing?

300. Same thing you just did to every memory I have of our marriage.

301. You know what? If you were my mom, I'd smoke pot too!

302. So your boss made you return her underwear?

303. - After she had already worn them once. - Couldn't you have just said no?

304. You don't say no to Alexis... if you want to keep your job.

305. - She sounds awful. - What can I do? I love the kids.

306. If we had a nanny like you, we would treat her like gold.

307. Did I mention I have four very lovable kids?

308. - Really? - Yes.

309. - Claire! - Oh, no.

310. - What? - It's Alexis.

311. - You should go. - Are you gonna be here tomorrow?

312. - I wanna see you again. - No, I'm busy.

313. - I just want to talk. - Lynette, this isn't right.

314. Claire, please.

315. All right. I will be at this address until noon tomorrow. Now go.

316. OK.

317. Hi. Where are the kids?

318. - What are you doing here? - I know you know.

319. And you're probably freaking out, so I just wanted to explain.

320. What me and Mrs. Solis have, it's deep, you know?

321. We've got a future. It's not just sex.

322. Listen to me. There is no future for you and Gabrielle.

323. She's not gonna divorce Carlos and run away.

324. - Why not? - Because he has money, a lot of it.

325. I'm not gonna be mowing lawns for ever. I have big plans.

326. Just stop talking. John, how old are you?

327. - Almost 18. - Exactly.

328. You are not mature enough to have a realistic perspective.

329. You would be much happier with a girl your own age.

330. She's the one I want.

331. You know, I really love her.

332. Please welcome Mrs. Arlene Nord.

333. We have Arlene and Norris to thank for all our folding chairs.

334. So, please remember, for all your folding chair needs, rent Nords.

335. Next up, we have Mrs. Betty Nolan!

336. - Thank God Tom could fill in. - Why did Carlos back out?

337. Some work emergency. He wouldn't talk about it.

338. - Sometimes I could just kill him. - Tom's having the time of his life.

339. Hands off, fellas. She's all mine.

340. I guess he does sort of have a dorky charm.

341. OK, Bree, you're up first, followed by Lynette,

342. and then Edie. Edie?

343. - Where's Edie Britt? - Over here.

344. Edie, what did you do to that dress?

345. Well, I made it audience friendly.

346. Can you tell I'm not wearing underwear?

347. - Yes. - Good.

348. Sorry I'm late.

349. You should never take this dress off for your entire life.

350. - Really? I look OK? - Oh, Susan, you look so gorgeous.

351. - Doesn't she, Edie? - It's a bit much.

352. Change the line-up. Susan has to go last.

353. - Nothing is gonna top this. - Isn't Helen going last?

354. She never showed up.

355. I think that's a great idea. OK, let's go.

356. You really do look fantastic.

357. Next up, we have Mrs. Bree Van De Kamp

358. in a pink party dress with laser cut, full skirt and silk belt.

359. Here is another exquisite ball gown by Halston,

360. modeled by the devastatingly sexy Lynette Scavo.

361. Notice the fine detail, the clean lines.

362. The dress is nice, too.

363. Next up, please welcome Edie...

364. Britt.

365. Tell Gabrielle I'm sorry I backed out of the show.

366. I'm just not in a very festive mood right now.

367. Helen! Helen, you're here.

368. Did they tell you about the change? I'm gonna go last.

369. There's a special place in hell for people like you.

370. I'm sorry. It wasn't my decision.

371. You're an adult. Take some responsibility!

372. What is wrong with you?

373. She is wearing a dignified classic,

374. perfect for a Sunday tea or christening.

375. For God's sake, Helen, this is for charity!

376. Edie Britt, everyone!

377. - Keep your hands off my son! - What?

378. - Finally, to cap off our evening... - Come on, you're up.

379. please welcome the radiant Susan Mayer.

380. Tom, say something!

381. A vision in white silk...

382. chiffon with gold, hand-beaded French lace

383. and lavender marabou.

384. Susan Mayer!

385. She's never looked better.

386. Susan, I feel awful about what happened.

387. Susan, talk to me.

388. OK, you're gonna find Helen Rowland and tell her the truth

389. before everyone thinks I'm sleeping with an underage boy.

390. - I can't do that. - Why not?

391. - Carlos will divorce me. - So? You obviously don't love him.

392. I do love him. I do. It's just complicated.

393. You know, there's gotta be another way to fix this.

394. God, you are so weak.

395. Susan, don't be like this.

396. What did you expect? A hug?

397. Alexis is still here.

398. She was supposed to go to Pilates but she got her period. Go.

399. - Give me a second. - No. She saw you at the park.

400. She knows what you're doing. You're not the first...

401. Claire!

402. How can you stay here?

403. She can be tough, but it comes with the territory.

404. - I would never treat you that way. - What did you do with the aspirin?

405. I will give you 20 per cent more than she's paying, plus overtime.

406. Dammit, Claire! Where the hell are you?

407. I don't take orders from your friends and I don't do laundry.

408. - Dishes? - Only the kids'.

409. How fast can you pack?

410. I got a nanny!

411. - Where are you gonna go? - I don't know. But I can't go home.

412. - Are you afraid of your dad? - No. It's not him. It's me.

413. My life is really messed up. It's bad.

414. - What's bad? You can tell me. - No, I can't!

415. It's better that you don't know.

416. I already know a little.

417. - Hi, Danielle. How was school? - It was OK.

418. Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?

419. Bree had resorted to extreme measures to save her son's soul.

420. As she rummaged through Andrew's private possessions,

421. it occurred to her that sometimes a little betrayal...

422. is good for the soul.

423. I was really young, like four.

424. I heard my mom and my dad yelling.

425. I heard 'em yell my name and hers.

426. Dana?

427. So I went down to the room and I saw them cleaning it up.

428. Cleaning what up?

429. Blood.

430. Was it Dana's?

431. I think so.

432. I couldn't remember this for the longest time,

433. and then my mom killed herself

434. and I started having these dreams.

435. I don't even see Dana. I just... I see the blood

436. and my mom picking me up

437. and putting me on my bed and whispering that it's not my fault.

438. And after that, every time I'd say her name, they'd get upset.

439. So I wasn't even allowed to say it any more.

440. I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.

441. I killed my baby sister.

442. Zach, oh, my God.

443. And they buried her to protect me.

444. - Helen, do you have a minute? - Gabrielle.

445. I didn't tell you how sorry I was about what happened.

446. - I didn't intend to cause a scene. - People didn't even notice.

447. This is a little awkward. I know you're friends with Susan Mayer.

448. But let's just say I had my reasons.

449. It wasn't Susan.

450. It was me.

451. What?

452. I'm the one who was sleeping with your son.

453. I'm so sorry.

454. For how long?

455. Almost a year. But it's over now.

456. So when it started,

457. he was 16?

458. I think.

459. But, Helen, you have to believe me, it's over now.

460. No, you're wrong. It's not even close to being over.

461. - Dude, coach wants to see you. - Really?

462. Hey, I bet it's about my scholarship.

463. Hello?

464. Yes, this is she.

465. Marijuana in his locker? I'm just horrified.

466. There must be some sort of terrible mistake.

467. Yeah, OK. Well, I will be right down.

468. Elsewhere, another darker secret was the object of an investigation.

469. Mr. Linder?

470. Detective Beckerman.

471. This is Detective Burnett. We were hoping for a minute of your time.

472. If you know anything about Zach's whereabouts, you need to tell me now.

473. Honey, what's going on?

474. Zach's gone from Silvercrest. They found letters in his room from Julie.

475. - They were writing to each other. - I need to see those letters.

476. Mom, they're private.

477. My son is missing.

478. Julie, in the letters, did Zach say anything about running away?

479. No.

480. - There's your answer. - Susan...

481. If we hear anything, I will let you know right away.

482. I understand how worried you must be.

483. - Obviously you don't. - Paul, my daughter doesn't lie.

484. This was a very popular design.

485. I must have sold several hundred of these just like it, ten years back.

486. - Do you keep any documentation? - I have a list of customers' names.

487. - Somewhere. It's been a while. - We'll need a copy of that list.

488. Sure. Wow, this chest looks like it's been through hell.

489. We pulled it out of Rockwater Lake, you could say by way of hell.

490. Was there anything in the chest?

491. It had a body inside. Adult female.

492. Yeah, but how do you fit a body into a chest that size?

493. It was chopped up.

494. Of all the stupid, boneheaded decisions. What were you thinking?

495. I was set up. The coach got an anonymous phone call.

496. Andrew, what does it matter? The pot was there.

497. - I was holding it for a friend. - You know...

498. I can't decide which is more humiliating,

499. the fact that my son got caught with pot in his locker

500. or that he can't even come up with a decent enough lie to explain it.

501. Gabrielle believed there was a chance

502. Helen Rowland would inform Carlos of his wife's extramarital activities.

503. Gabrielle knew she had to come clean.

504. - Carlos? - Yeah?

505. But coming clean...

506. was not one of Gabrielle's specialties.

507. - I'm going to bed. - Thanks for the newsflash.

508. She turned me in!

509. Carlos. Carlos, I'm so sorry.

510. - I am so sorry. - Sorry for what?

511. Whatever happens, I love you very, very much.

512. - FBI. Open the door. - Oh, my God.

513. FBI. If you do not open the door,

514. I am authorized to enter the premises by use of force.

515. Carlos Solis, I have a warrant for your arrest.

516. You have the right to remain silent.

517. Anything you say can be used against you.

518. - Call our lawyer. - Carlos, what's happening?

519. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you.

520. Carlos, wait!

521. Gabrielle, this will all be taken care of, I promise.

522. I'm innocent, I swear to God. It was Tanaka. He set me up.

523. People are complicated creatures,

524. on the one hand able to perform great acts of charity,

525. on the other capable of the most underhanded forms of betrayal.

526. It's a constant battle that rages within all of us,

527. between the better angels of our nature

528. and the temptation of our inner demons.

529. And sometimes the only way to ward off the darkness...

530. is to shine the light of compassion.

531. They took him away in handcuffs.