Desperate Housewives 1x6

1. Previously on Desperate Housewives...

2. - I know why my mum killed herself. - Secrets were revealed.

3. I think we should go to the police.

4. - Relationships got complicated. - What are you doing here?

5. - You think she's cheating on you? - I think so.

6. We got a call about a break-in.

7. I've seen a lot but this is something else.

8. - And the mystery... - Why did you do this?

9. - I don't know. - ... deepened.

10. Suburbia is a battle ground,

11. an arena for all forms of domestic combat.

12. Husbands clash with wives, parents cross swords with children.

13. But the bloodiest battles often involve women

14. and their mothers-in-law.

15. The war for control of Carlos began the night he proposed,

16. and Gabrielle had been losing ground to Juanita ever since.

17. From the prenuptial agreement which she reluctantly signed...

18. to the selection of wedding music she despised...

19. to the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted,

20. Gabrielle had suffered one defeat after another.

21. And now that Juanita suspected her daughter-in-law of having an affair,

22. it had become increasingly apparent, in this war...

23. Mrs. Solis, I'll be at the market.

24. no prisoners would be taken.

25. Thank you, Yao Lin.

26. I don't see why you have her.

27. It's a big house. I need help.

28. It's only called help when you do some of the work yourself.

29. I supervise.

30. You pay her $300 a week.

31. That's $15,000 a year.

32. Carlos, you always say you're not putting away enough for retirement.

33. Baby, it would be a good idea to cut back on expenses.

34. You want me to take care of this place alone?

35. Other women manage.

36. That's nice.

37. - You like that? - Yeah.

38. God, I'm gonna miss this, Carlos.

39. What do you mean?

40. Well, since I'm gonna have to be doing the cooking

41. and the cleaning and all the shopping like the other wives,

42. I'm gonna be exhausted at night, just like all the other wives.

43. Till I build up my stamina, of course.

44. And that might take a couple of years.

45. Sadly for Juanita, she had ignored the first rule of war.

46. - Good morning, Carlos. - The maid stays.

47. Never underestimate your enemy.

48. Of the many suburban rituals,

49. none is quite so cherished as the neighborhood yard sale.

50. Shoppers come to sift through

51. the discarded belongings of someone they don't know,

52. in hopes of finding bargains they don't really need,

53. each so determined to save a few pennies

54. they often miss hidden treasures.

55. - Hey, Paul. - Hi, Susan.

56. I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice's award for sale.

57. She got it for doing charity work.

58. Zach and I are moving. We don't need to carry any more than is necessary.

59. That makes sense. I just wanted to make sure you didn't want it for Zach.

60. Something to remember his mother by.

61. Zach doesn't need a piece of glass to remember his mother.

62. I'm out of newspaper. Here. Let's call it ten bucks for everything.

63. Great. Speaking of Zach... I haven't seen him around lately.

64. He's been a bit depressed. I sent him to stay with relatives.

65. - Oh. Which ones? - You don't know them.

66. - How did you get the fat lip? - The usual way.

67. Asking too many questions.

68. - Did you find out where Zach is? - No.

69. But he's not staying with relatives.

70. It could be any one of these guys she's having an affair with.

71. Don't worry. I'm not letting her out of my sight.

72. Who the hell is that?

73. Do you think that's the guy she's having an affair with?

74. Carlos, a guy she talks to in public isn't someone you're gonna worry about.

75. So it's someone that she doesn't talk to.

76. Do I have to beat up every guy in town?

77. Marriage takes work.

78. He would play it close to the vest. Paul knows we're onto him.

79. Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something he'd done.

80. Is there anyone who'd know what he was talking about?

81. No. We have to find him. It's the only way we'll know.

82. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can't imagine he'd do anything that terrible.

83. He did break into your house. He's obviously troubled in some way.

84. Severe depression, borderline personality disorder.

85. - Zach is a deeply troubled young man. - I'm aware of that.

86. - What are you giving him? - Antidepressants and a mood stabilizer.

87. Good.

88. I'm also recommending extensive psychotherapy to help unearth...

89. I don't think so.

90. Mr. Young, I can't just medicate him indefinitely.

91. Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs.

92. No new treatments without my permission.

93. I think this is going to be a great version of Little Red Riding Hood.

94. It is your involvement that makes the plays here at Barcliff so special.

95. Thank you.

96. I would like to turn over the next part of our meeting

97. to our parent coordinator, the amazing Maisy Gibbons.

98. Thank you, Miss Truesdale. Now before everyone leaves,

99. we have new copies of the script up here.

100. Tilda and Frances and I went to the rehearsal yesterday,

101. and we were a little troubled by the ending.

102. Killing the wolf. It sends the wrong message to our kids.

103. We believe that animals should only be euthanized as a last resort.

104. - Do you find something amusing? - I'm sorry. I thought you were kidding.

105. In our version, the wolf is aggressive because he has a thorn in his paw,

106. and the woodsman will take out the thorn and send Mr. Wolf on his way.

107. I'm sorry. Aren't we doing Little Red Riding Hood?

108. - Yes. - You know that the wolf is a bad guy?

109. He eats Little Red's grandma.

110. If you let him go, he's gonna chow down on other defenseless old ladies.

111. - I'm sorry. And you are? - I'm Lynette Scavo.

112. My twins just joined. They're playing oak trees.

113. Of course. Lynette.

114. Let's see. You are signed up to take tickets the night of the show, right?

115. - Yeah. - Well, with all due respect,

116. let's leave the creative suggestions

117. to the mothers who have assumed the heavy lifting.

118. Sure. Whatever.

119. I must say I'm jealous of how much time you two spend together.

120. My mother-in-law would never want to hang out with me all day.

121. She sounds nice.

122. Hey there, you two.

123. Hi, John.

124. Mrs. Solis.

125. I wasn't aware you two were friends.

126. - Yeah. We go to the same school. - Of course you do.

127. We'll be upstairs in my room studying.

128. Have fun.

129. Doesn't it make you nervous? A boy alone upstairs with Danielle?

130. I don't worry about John. Both he and Danielle are in the abstinence club.

131. Coffee's a little hot.

132. Susan was infuriated by Paul's evasive answers.

133. She was convinced he was deliberately hiding Zach

134. and hiding the truth.

135. She hoped that finding one would lead to the other.

136. To succeed, Susan would have to be evasive herself.

137. - Susan. Long time no see. - Mrs. Greenberg.

138. Do you remember those two eggs I let you borrow last Christmas?

139. - I need those back. - Gosh, honey, I'm fresh out.

140. - But I could run to the store. - Oh, forget about it.

141. It's not that important.

142. But since I'm here, do you still have that hatchback sitting in your garage?

143. - Can I borrow it tomorrow? - You want to borrow my car?

144. Just for a couple of hours.

145. I'm not sure. Do you know how to drive a stick?

146. Yes, I think so. I learned in college.

147. It's like riding a bike, right?

148. - I'm not sure, dear. - It's just for a couple of hours.

149. I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year.

150. I'm very pleased with the work we've done in our sessions thus far.

151. - We're making excellent progress. - Thank you. I feel good about it.

152. But there are a few areas of your marriage we haven't covered yet.

153. Really? Like what?

154. I've told Dr Goldfine in our private sessions

155. that I'm not happy with our sex life.

156. And Rex feels that when the two of you have intercourse,

157. you're not as connected as you could be.

158. - Connected? - Yeah.

159. Like you're thinking about other things. Is your hair messed up?

160. Did you buy the toothpaste? You're just not there.

161. This kind of disconnect is often a symptom of a deeper problem.

162. So we were talking and the idea of a sexual surrogate came up.

163. This is a licensed professional who'd work with you as a couple

164. on solving whatever sexual problems you may be having.

165. I have an excellent referral.

166. And what would this sexual surrogate person do?

167. - She would coach us. - She?

168. She's discreet. You'll hardly notice she's there.

169. So she would be in the room with us while we make love?

170. Yes. Helping us to achieve maximum sexual potential.

171. - Do you have any questions? - Just one.

172. How much longer will your mid-life crisis last?

173. Because it is really starting to tick me off.

174. Right. Everyone's down for a nap.

175. We've got no more than an hour. Let's get cracking.

176. Five-card draw. Nothing wild.

177. - How is it going with Mike, Susan? - It's going, finally.

178. We have a date next week. He's taking me to see a play or something.

179. Might I suggest the Barcliff Academy production of Little Red Riding Hood?

180. That's right. The twins' stage debut.

181. - Are they having fun? - Sure. They play oak trees.

182. I have to deal with the drama behind the scenes.

183. - You've met Maisy Gibbons? - She's a total nightmare.

184. - I shouldn't have challenged her. - Oh, dear.

185. Now no one on the committee wants to talk to me.

186. Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom.

187. Hasn't changed since Girl Scouts. Girls smile to your face

188. then make fun of you 'cause you're not shaving your legs yet.

189. That wouldn't happen in Boy Scouts.

190. When I worked with men, I preferred how they fought.

191. A guy takes his opponent on face-to-face,

192. and once he's won, he's top dog.

193. - It's primitive but fair. - And a lot less sneaky.

194. Isn't it sexist of us to generalize like this?

195. It's science. Sociologists have documented this stuff.

196. Well, who am I to argue with sociologists?

197. This guacamole has got a kick.

198. I'm gonna run to the little girl's room. You go ahead. I might be a while.

199. I hate playing three-handed poker. Let's take a break.

200. - I'll play. - You play poker?

201. - I played with my grandfather. - Pull up a chair.

202. You're just playing for chips?

203. My grandfather used to say it's always more fun to play for money.

204. - Why not? 50 cents a bet? - Make it a buck.

205. Three raise limit, $20 buy-in.

206. - Mrs. Solis. What are you doing? - Why haven't you returned my calls?

207. - I've been busy. - I've seen who you've been busy with.

208. Danielle? Come on. She's just a friend.

209. Before you get any friendlier, let me remind you,

210. I can do things to you she can't even pronounce.

211. A lot of good it does me with your mother-in-law following you around.

212. Maybe we should just cool it for a while.

213. No, John, please don't say that.

214. I have everything under control.

215. Now give me a boost.

216. Hey. So what did I miss?

217. Not much. Just a few friendly hands of poker with the girls.

218. I'm sorry I'm late.

219. As I'm sure you've all heard, Celia Bond broke her wrist playing tennis.

220. Which means we are now in need of someone to do the costumes.

221. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Are there any volunteers?

222. - I'll do it. - Really? Do you know how to sew?

223. Absolutely.

224. Well, great. Thank you, Lynette.

225. OK. So now that I'm going to do some "heavy lifting",

226. I believe I have the right to talk about the changes made to the script?

227. Ladies.

228. We grew up with Little Red Riding Hood, and survived it, scary stuff and all.

229. So I say to hell with political correctness.

230. Let our kids experience this classic like it was meant to be enjoyed.

231. Let's kill the damn wolf and just put on the best show we can.

232. Thank you, Lynette, for that impassioned speech.

233. - But I believe that ship has sailed. - No. It hasn't.

234. We still have time to change the ending back.

235. And, you know, Maisy, it is just a fairy tale.

236. I don't think it will upset the children.

237. - I think you're wrong. - That's what's great about democracy.

238. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

239. Also, everyone has a right to vote.

240. So all in favor of the woodsman going medieval on the big bad wolf's ass.

241. Dr Goldfine.

242. - Bree. - You're dining alone?

243. - Actually, I am. - What a coincidence. So am I.

244. Seems a shame for us to eat by ourselves. Shall I pull up a chair?

245. Bree, it's nothing personal, but I never socialize with clients.

246. I get it. I'm so sorry. Of course. It's inappropriate.

247. It's just that after yesterday there's so much I need to say because...

248. I suppose it can wait.

249. No, Lynette, I'm sorry. Juanita's taking a bath.

250. How much did she win from you?

251. Jeez.

252. Yeah, I guess she'll take a check.

253. OK. All right. Bye.

254. - What was that about? - Your mother is quite the card shark.

255. You let her play cards? How long did she play?

256. Not that long. Why?

257. Carlos, what is it?

258. I never told you this, but my mother had a serious gambling problem.

259. Was this before we were married?

260. Yeah. It was bad.

261. She went into debt. Dipped into her savings, started hocking jewelry.

262. Honey, it was only a small neighborhood game.

263. It doesn't take much for her to fall off the wagon.

264. I know she seems like a very strong woman but...

265. She has a major weakness.

266. Honey... It's OK.

267. You were right to tell me this.

268. And you understand I have to treat this as a session.

269. Of course. That's fine.

270. - Shall I include the meal? - No. We'll split that.

271. So let's talk about yesterday.

272. Do you think there might have been some truth in what Rex said?

273. No, I don't.

274. Bree, it's not uncommon for people experiencing sexual repression

275. to distance themselves during the act.

276. Do you see me as some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish?

277. - I love sex. - All right.

278. I love everything about it. The sensations. The smells.

279. I especially love the feel of a man.

280. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body.

281. And then when you add friction.

282. The tactile sensation of running my tongue

283. over a man's nipple ever so gently.

284. And then there's the act itself. Two bodies becoming one,

285. and that final eruption of pleasure.

286. The only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum.

287. Obviously it has its practical applications, but I'm not a fan.

288. Can I get you something?

289. Just the check, please.

290. Sir, you haven't ordered yet.

291. - We're not shopping? - Let's stop here for lunch.

292. This place has the best buffet in town. All-you-can-eat crab legs.

293. - Oh, no. - What's wrong? Let's go.

294. It's late. They're only holding the suede mini for me until 2:00.

295. If we stay I'll never make it. We'll just have lunch at the mall.

296. Wait. I'm really in the mood for crab legs.

297. - Drop me off and you can come back. - It might take over an hour.

298. It's a buffet. There's no rush.

299. Hi, John. Motel. Ten minutes. Be there.

300. All right. Off you go. Thanks.

301. Lynette, I noticed you forgot the coonskin on that hunter's coonskin cap.

302. Yeah. That was a creative call.

303. I'm in the middle of a crisis. If I don't take shortcuts I'll never finish.

304. Jordana Geist manages to get her work done.

305. She runs the concessions, paints the sets,

306. and still has time to take care of her three kids and a husband.

307. We can't have the students suffer

308. just because you don't understand the concept of time management.

309. The kids won't suffer without a clump of fur on their heads.

310. OK. I'll make a creative call. We'll cut the oak trees.

311. That forest is looking a little dense anyway.

312. - My boys are the oak trees. - Are they?

313. Well, I wouldn't worry. We'll find something for them to do backstage.

314. That's where the real action is.

315. - I'll finish the costumes. - Well. Crisis averted.

316. - You have lost your mind. - I checked up on Silvercrest.

317. It's a treatment center for troubled kids.

318. I create the distraction, you blend in and find Zach.

319. How could I blend in with messed-up teenagers?

320. I don't know, Julie. Pretend to be bulimic. Gag a little.

321. Come on. Work with me here.

322. When this is over, we need to talk about your parenting skills.

323. OK, fine. You don't want to help me, I'm not gonna force you.

324. It's not that I don't want to. It's just...

325. Why does this mean so much to you?

326. 'Cause Mary Alice was a wonderful person.

327. And now all anybody thinks is that she did this terrible, selfish thing.

328. And I think there's more to it than that.

329. She was my friend, Julie, and I owe it to her to find out the truth.

330. Juanita, what's wrong?

331. Juanita?

332. I didn't go to the buffet. I went gambling instead and I lost.

333. How much did you have on you? It couldn't have been much.

334. I used Carlos' credit card.

335. - OK. How much did you charge? - I don't know. It stopped working.

336. What do you mean? This thing has like a $15,000 credit limit.

337. The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms. Can I bunk with you?

338. Bree, what are you doing here?

339. It's a little chilly out here. Do you mind if we discuss this inside?

340. Come on in.

341. Sure is nice and toasty in here.

342. - You look amazing. - Thanks.

343. I was hoping you'd notice.

344. Well, it certainly isn't the Ritz, but it has all the essentials.

345. - I don't know what to say. - Then perhaps you should say nothing.

346. Rex? Baby...

347. - I just need a minute. - What?

348. Sweetie, just leave it, will you? Just leave it.

349. OK, baby. Where were we?

350. I told you to leave it.

351. I'm sorry. I just...

352. Come on. Are you gonna make a big deal about this?

353. You know...

354. to tell you the truth, now is not really a good time for me.

355. It's obvious you've never had to remove a cheese stain.

356. Bree, I totally understand. Yeah, I already tried Susan.

357. And Gaby can't sew. Seriously, I'm gonna be fine.

358. Yeah. Thanks anyway. Bye-bye.

359. I'm a little ahead with my painting if you need some help.

360. Oh, Jordana, you are a life-saver. Thank you.

361. Here. These pieces need trim.

362. I'll help for as long as I can but I have a lot on my plate tonight.

363. I have to make 25 mini quiches for my book club.

364. You're not human. You were sent by aliens to make humans feel inadequate.

365. Seriously, how do you cram it all in?

366. - Can you keep a secret? - Sure.

367. That's ADD medication. My kids take this. Or they almost did.

368. I thought it calmed you down.

369. Has the opposite effect if you don't have ADD.

370. Ever chug a pot of Turkish coffee?

371. You're taking your kids' medication?

372. Once in a while. Do you want a couple?

373. That's very kind of you but I just smoked some crack a little while ago.

374. I'd better not mix.

375. I'll sell some jewelry, pay off the card, and Carlos will never find out.

376. - You would do that for me? - Why wouldn't I?

377. For starters, you hate me.

378. That is overstating it a little.

379. The bottom line is, no matter how much I dislike you, I love Carlos more.

380. If Carlos finds out, he'll be devastated. I don't wanna see him hurt.

381. Don't believe I'm a good person, but believe I care about my husband.

382. Fine. To heck with it.

383. I'm not gonna risk my neck to protect you. I'm calling Carlos.

384. Juanita might have been the gambler of the family...

385. Wait. I believe you.

386. but Gabrielle was the one who knew how to bluff.

387. Hi. I'm Susan Mayer. I have an appointment to see Dr Sicher.

388. Yes, he's expecting you. Let me get him for you.

389. - Hi. I'm Dr Sicher. - Susan Mayer.

390. So you're doing research for a children's book?

391. I sure am.

392. Zach?

393. Hi, Julie.

394. - What's wrong with you? - Just all the pills they make me take.

395. They kinda make me sleepy.

396. - What are you doing here? - I came to see how you were.

397. And to ask you something. Look, I don't have much time.

398. What is it?

399. You told Mrs. Van De Kamp your mum killed herself

400. because of something bad you did.

401. What were you talking about?

402. After my mum died, I started remembering things that happened when I was little.

403. - What happened to Dana. - Dana? Who's Dana?

404. What are you doing here?

405. I was just visiting my friend.

406. This patient is not allowed visitors.

407. I guess I have to go.

408. I am so sorry, Zach.

409. I don't want to disturb you. I just left some important papers here.

410. - What are you doing? - I'm repairing a chipped mug.

411. Why don't you just buy a new one?

412. Because it's better to fix what you already have.

413. Listen.

414. - About what happened today. - You humiliated me, Rex.

415. For no good reason.

416. - I'm sorry. - I was there. I was willing.

417. - Normal men don't say no to that. - You upset me.

418. See, I don't think that's the reason.

419. After I left the motel, I did some thinking about us and our sex life.

420. I realized there has been a disconnect.

421. - But it's coming from you. - That's ridiculous.

422. For years while making love

423. you've started to ask me something then stopped.

424. - What are you talking about? - You are unhappy with our sex life

425. because you're not getting something but you're too afraid to ask.

426. My problem is that you can't stop thinking about the housework.

427. Then take me right here, right now.

428. The house is spotless. There are no burritos around to pull my focus.

429. - I'm not in the mood. - Why not?

430. We haven't had sex for months. Most men would be climbing the walls by now.

431. - Please don't do this. - Rex, whatever you want.

432. I will go there with you. You just have to say it out loud.

433. Tell me. What do you want? What do you need?

434. For you to stop talking like this. You sound like a whore.

435. No, I sound like a woman whose husband won't touch her.

436. Rex, after Mary Alice killed herself, it all hit me.

437. We all have our secrets. I think it's time for you to tell me yours.

438. I'm going.

439. That night, while most of Wisteria Lane dreamt the night away,

440. Lynette was in the middle of her own personal nightmare.

441. Determined her boys would not miss their fairy-tale debut,

442. Lynette had stayed up 18 hours straight, sewing.

443. But she began to fear her story would not have a happy ending.

444. Luckily for Lynette, she had a magic potion handy.

445. And once she had taken it...

446. the magic kept working...

447. and working...

448. and working.

449. It wasn't until noon that Lynette finally took a break,

450. and the reality of what she had done began to sink in.

451. My. What big eyes you have.

452. I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?

453. I'm fine, thank you.

454. So what's been going on with her? Have you found anything out yet?

455. Actually, the more I watch her, the more I think she's not stepping out on you.

456. - Really? - Yeah. She's not perfect, Lord knows.

457. But she loves you. I can tell.

458. Mama. You don't know what a relief it is to hear that.

459. You know, it's funny. I really think she loves you, too.

460. I got concerned when I heard you played poker with her friends.

461. So I told her about your little problem.

462. You told her about my gambling problem?

463. Don't be mad. I just didn't want you slipping into old habits.

464. - She was very concerned about you. - She knew?

465. I don't get it. You and Zach never went to school with anybody named Dana.

466. He didn't say she was at school.

467. - Did it sound like a relative? - It sounded like "Dana".

468. Unless he was using a code, that's all I got.

469. OK, give me a break here. I'm just grasping at straws.

470. I'm sorry. I'm worried about Zach. It's really creepy in there.

471. - Can't we get him out? - Honey, that's up to his father.

472. - Then I want to visit again. - That's not a good idea either.

473. Why?

474. I just have a feeling.

475. Juanita was now more convinced than ever

476. that her treacherous daughter-in-law was having an affair.

477. But the question remained, with whom?

478. And suddenly...

479. Juanita remembered it wasn't the men Gabrielle talked to

480. that she had to worry about.

481. Hey, Jordana, Maisy. Here are the costumes. Right on time.

482. Thank you, Lynette.

483. This is a bit awkward. There has been an oversight with the programs.

484. Celia Bond is still credited with costumes.

485. They forgot to tell the printer.

486. Who is "they", as in, "they forgot to tell the printer"?

487. That would be me. I'm sorry.

488. But I was so overworked this week with all the script changes you demanded.

489. Well, these things happen.

490. Be right back.

491. Would you do something with this? It looks like road kill.

492. OK, lady, that's it.

493. - I beg your pardon? - We have kids the same age.

494. There are years ahead of us having to deal with each other.

495. So instead of playing petty games, why don't we put an end to this right now?

496. - What are you saying? - Let's take it outside.

497. - Let's take what outside? - Your sorry ass. We're throwin' down.

498. - You are crazy. - Just being practical.

499. Isn't it better to settle this

500. rather than endure all this alpha-mom crap until our kids graduate?

501. Come on. I'll even let you take the first shot.

502. - I don't have time for this. - Yeah, I didn't think so.

503. And just so you know, next spring, when we do Bambi,

504. his mother's gonna take a slug to the heart and you're gonna like it.

505. The search for power begins when we're quite young.

506. As children, we're taught that the power of good triumphs over the power of evil.

507. But as we get older, we realize that nothing is ever that simple.

508. Traces of evil always remain.