Desperate Housewives 1x3

1. Previously, on Desperate Housewives.

2. She was his wife. He deserves all the facts.

3. She abandoned her husband and her son and I'll never forgive her.

4. It's the age-old question.

5. How much do we want to know about our neighbors?

6. Cancel the meeting with the divorce lawyer.

7. We'll find a marriage counselor.

8. - Mike Delfino. - Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

9. - You're gonna have to ask him out. - I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

10. I really hate the way you talk to me.

11. I hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace,

12. but I'm learning to deal with it.

13. - Do you love him? - I do.

14. So then why are we here? Why are we doing this?

15. I don't want to wake up one morning,

16. with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.

17. After I died,

18. I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary.

19. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts.

20. Every trace of my humanity was discarded.

21. I discovered, when moving through eternity,

22. it helps to travel lightly.

23. In fact, I held on to only one thing.

24. My memory.

25. It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind.

26. I remember it all. Every single detail.

27. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp.

28. I remember the easy confidence of her smile.

29. The gentle elegance of her hands.

30. The refined warmth of her voice.

31. Bye.

32. - But what I remember most about Bree... - Rex, wasn't that a lovely...

33. was the look of fear in her eyes.

34. Bree had started to realize her world was unraveling.

35. And for a woman who despised loose ends,

36. that was unacceptable.

37. - Rex, you need to get up. - It's not even light out.

38. If the kids see you down here, they'll start asking questions.

39. - Let 'em ask. I don't care anymore. - Well, I care.

40. They don't need to be burdened with our marital problems.

41. The least we can do is keep up appearances.

42. Oh, yeah, appearances.

43. I keep forgetting about appearances.

44. Rex, you look so tired.

45. I didn't sleep. This damn thing is so uncomfortable.

46. Why don't you move back upstairs and sleep in our bed?

47. We're in marriage counseling. That would confuse things.

48. It's just... I miss you.

49. I know you do.

50. If I don't start getting some sleep soon,

51. I'll be forced back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion.

52. Yes, Bree was afraid of many things.

53. But if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of...

54. it was a challenge.

55. The day on Wisteria Lane began like any other

56. with a cup of coffee and the morning paper,

57. and while Lynette read the business section,

58. and Gabrielle studied the fall collections,

59. and Bree searched for decorating ideas,

60. Susan scanned the front page and saw something that caught her eye.

61. - It's about time. - Be nice. I come bearing snacks.

62. Lynette, these cards are sticky.

63. I know. Preston used the three of diamonds to scoop jam out of a jar.

64. We're just thankful we have 49 cards to play with.

65. - Hello, sorry I'm late. - Hey.

66. I was just saying I want to throw a dinner party.

67. - Really? - Yes.

68. I mean, we've never done a big group thing.

69. It's a great idea.

70. Paul never likes to have people over, but I'm doing it.

71. - So when is this shindig? - How about a month from tonight?

72. - The 16th. Is that good? - Works for me.

73. - Shall we all make something? - Oh, no. This is my party.

74. I've been wanting to have everyone over for years. I'm so happy we're doing it.

75. It's gonna be so much fun.

76. Hey!

77. I know. Her dinner.

78. How could we have all forgotten about this?

79. We didn't forget. Usually when the hostess dies, the party's off.

80. - Lynette! - I'm not being flip.

81. Just pointing out a reality.

82. Mary Alice was so excited about it. It's so sad.

83. - I think we should go through with it. - Wouldn't that be in poor taste?

84. No. It's a way to honor Mary Alice. It was so important to her.

85. We could all use a fun night.

86. Good. I have some new flat bread I've been dying to show off.

87. - Lynette? - I'm in.

88. - I'll make braised lamb shanks. - I'm still in.

89. How many will I be cooking for?

90. Seven. Three couples and Susan. Does that sound right?

91. - No, it sounds very, very wrong. - Is there someone you'd like to invite?

92. I have an idea.

93. A dinner party? I may be working late. The Dillman proposal's a complete mess.

94. You promised to be home every night this week.

95. I'll try, but I can't guarantee anything. This is business.

96. Says the prince as he rides off into the sunset.

97. Boy, did the movies ever get that wrong.

98. You know your problem? You're very tense.

99. You should go to a spa or go shopping. Find a way to relax.

100. - Hello. - Where are you?

101. - Algebra. - Are you free at four?

102. I'm not sure. I've got track after school.

103. Get here as fast as you can. My husband says I need to relax.

104. You want me to keep my gym clothes on like last time?

105. If you would, please.

106. - A dinner party? - Yeah. It'll be fun.

107. - Bree's cooking. Everyone's going. - I haven't even unpacked yet.

108. I just, uh, I just need to chill out for the next few days.

109. Tom.

110. There'll be liquor, and hors d'oeuvres,

111. and grown-ups without children, and silverware.

112. - Remember silverware? - Honey, can you take this in for me?

113. - Have you heard anything I said? - I'm sorry, I'm wiped out.

114. Three cities in six days. I'm not ready for a dinner party.

115. - I already got a sitter. - Can't you cancel her?

116. Please. Let's just stay in tomorrow night.

117. We can get a bottle of wine and rent a video.

118. I just want to hang out with my best gal, that's all.

119. I was looking so forward to a night out.

120. I know, sweetie, I'm sorry, but I'm beat.

121. I mean, do you remember what it was like to work a 60-hour week?

122. A dinner party? Do I have to go?

123. Given that we're hosting it, I'd say so. By the way, you won't be drinking.

124. Why's that?

125. Because when you drink, you get chatty.

126. No one need know we're seeing Dr. Goldfine.

127. If you spent as much time working on our problems as covering them...

128. Not a drop.

129. This is ridiculous. And us taking tennis lessons?

130. Your office may wonder why you disappear three times a week.

131. Tennis lessons are a plausible alibi.

132. So, these tennis lessons. How are we doing?

133. My backhand's improving, but you have problems with your serve.

134. Of course.

135. A dinner party?

136. It's tomorrow night, so keep Julie an extra day.

137. Fine. But that's all. Brandi and I leave Sunday for the cabin.

138. What cabin?

139. Brandi wanted someplace we could get away.

140. Escrow just closed yesterday.

141. You can afford a cabin, but not child support?

142. - The check is in the mail. - No, it's not.

143. I found my dental guard. I'm ready.

144. Stop fighting.

145. We're being as nice as we possibly can.

146. Like I said, stop fighting.

147. Excuse me, Brandi, do you mind?

148. - OK. - Wait. Susan, you're right there.

149. - You could pick it up. - I could, but she threw it.

150. - Don't be petulant. Pick up the can. - No.

151. - I can pick it up. - Honey, stay out of this.

152. Fine. This is so typical.

153. - I'm sorry. Was that petulant too? - Pick up the damn can yourself.

154. Yeah, well, you just go to hell.

155. You want me to pick it up?

156. Mrs. Warmington said she looked for Mom's obituary and couldn't find it.

157. - Did you put one in? - I've had other things on my mind.

158. How could you not do that? People will think we didn't care.

159. I doubt people will give it much thought. Don't worry about it.

160. You never talk about her.

161. She's been dead a month and it's like you've forgotten she existed.

162. It's a little early for this kind of talk.

163. Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary.

164. That will be your choice to make.

165. Assuming you outlive me.

166. Mom, it's no big deal. We're driving in for the baptism. Problem solved.

167. OK. Fine. You go with Aunt Maria,

168. and I will take Nana to church.

169. Take your clothes off.

170. OK, I got to go, Mom.

171. Yes, right now.

172. OK. You can give me directions later. Bye.

173. - Hi, how was school? - Got an A-minus in my biology exam.

174. You did? Mmm. Well, let's see what you've learned.

175. Who's that?

176. I don't know.

177. Hey, you!

178. So, did Mike say anything?

179. No, but you should've seen the look on his face.

180. I'm sure it's not that bad. He's coming to the party, right?

181. I left three messages. He's not going to come. Big surprise.

182. I did everything but foam at the mouth. I hate when I get that way.

183. Every time I get within ten feet of Karl, I just become this monster.

184. It's not gonna change until you resolve your issues.

185. You mean, forgive him?

186. I've lived with this bitterness so long, I'd be lonely without it.

187. Honey, get a pet. See ya.

188. - Son of a... - It's a business meeting.

189. It's a frat party.

190. Regional manager, corporate manager, head of sales.

191. Margarita, cigar, sombrero.

192. Ah, honey, what do you want me to do? Sit around the hotel watching cable?

193. No, but when I say we've been invited to a party,

194. don't whine about your exhausting 60-hour week.

195. Put on your dancing shoes and take your children's mother out for a good time.

196. Fine. You're right. Let's go to that party.

197. - I already cancelled the sitter. - OK. We'll throw the next one.

198. Throw a dinner party? I don't even have time to wash my face.

199. No. You know what? I'm gonna go to this one.

200. You can stay home and baby sit.

201. Fine. I can handle that.

202. Thank you.

203. Gabrielle spent her morning searching for the mysterious little girl.

204. Sadly for her...

205. the mystery was solved a bit too quickly.

206. Hey. What's going on?

207. Have you met Ashley?

208. Found it.

209. This is Sheila Bukowski. They moved into the Miller's old house.

210. My daughter left her ball in your yard. I'm so sorry.

211. Oh, no problem. Nice to meet you, Ashley.

212. She's shy. She doesn't say much.

213. Yeah, but I can see her little mind working away.

214. Nice meeting you.

215. Come on, Ashley.

216. Private sessions? Why do we need private sessions?

217. Private sessions allow us to work on the personal issues of both partners.

218. I don't have any.

219. My only issue is that my husband wants to leave.

220. How can I work on that if he's not there?

221. There are things I need to discuss with Dr. Goldfine and I can't have you there.

222. Why? I'm your wife. You can say anything in front of me.

223. All we need is a few more sessions...

224. Damn it, Bree, a few more sessions isn't gonna fix us.

225. This is bigger than that.

226. Why don't we do it this way?

227. Rex, you can take the first half-hour. Bree, you can take the second.

228. Fine.

229. Oh, and doctor, if what he's about to discuss has anything to do with

230. adultery, prostitution or internet pornography,

231. I would really appreciate you taking a moral hard line.

232. Hi, Ashley, remember me?

233. We met earlier.

234. Wow! Aren't you the little artist.

235. What are those? Flamingos?

236. No.

237. Well, they're very pretty. It almost looks like they're kissing.

238. Funny thing about kissing. It's not just for husbands and wives.

239. Sometimes we kiss our mom, or our grandpa,

240. sometimes we even kiss our dog.

241. Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends.

242. Kind of like a high five on the lips, right?

243. Hey, Ash!

244. I was at the mall and I saw this. Thought you might like it.

245. She's Hawaiian. Her name is Princess Kaha'lua.

246. And I think it means "little waterfall" or "big pond" or something.

247. OK. So we're good, right?

248. OK. Well, you enjoy your new little friend,

249. and if there's anything else you need, you just let me know.

250. What I'd really like is a bike.

251. - Where did you find that? - She used this to kill herself.

252. Why would you keep it? Why?

253. - We might need it someday. - For what?

254. - Protection. - I want to talk about mom.

255. - Take your medication. - We're going to talk about mom.

256. Hello, Zach, I hope this isn't a bad time.

257. What can I do for you, Mrs. Van De Kamp?

258. I wanted to invite you and your father to a dinner party tomorrow night.

259. I'm not sure where he is right now.

260. Oh, well, I'm sorry it's such late notice,

261. but we weren't sure that you were ready for any kind of social engagement.

262. We're throwing it in your mother's honor.

263. Really?

264. Yes, it's just a casual night with the gang.

265. We're going to eat and tell fun stories about your mom.

266. Zach, are you OK?

267. - Hello, Bree. - Hi, Paul. I was just...

268. I heard. Thank you. But we already have plans for tomorrow.

269. That's too bad.

270. Well, I should go.

271. - Thank you, Mrs. Van De Kamp. - For what, Zach?

272. Remembering my mom.

273. That night, Paul gave his son something to calm his nerves.

274. And the next day, Gabrielle calmed her own nerves,

275. by giving something to her new best friend.

276. Here you go. Top of the line, three-speed, aluminum frame,

277. handle-bar ribbons and a bell.

278. It's royal blue to match your pretty little eyes.

279. My eyes are green.

280. You'll be cruising so fast on this, no one will even notice.

281. It's all yours, honey. Have fun.

282. - What? What's wrong? - I don't know how to ride a bike.

283. What? Then why did you ask for one?

284. Why can't you show me?

285. Sure. One of these days.

286. What's wrong with now?

287. After her talk with Lynette,

288. Susan decided to take a look at her old photo album.

289. And she began to see herself in a whole new light.

290. And the picture wasn't flattering.

291. Yeah, you got Karl. Leave a message.

292. Hey, Karl, it's me. I was hoping you'd be there.

293. Listen. We need to talk.

294. So maybe when you drop Julie off tomorrow,

295. we could have a moment. It's important.

296. Give my best to... Brandi.

297. Call me.

298. Susan was proud of herself. She was finally ready to let go of her anger.

299. Well, almost.

300. - Mom! - The boys will be hungry at 5.30.

301. So put the fish sticks in the toaster oven at five.

302. For half an hour. That's the third time you've told me.

303. If the food's late, God help you.

304. I don't need a pamphlet. It's not brain surgery.

305. They're just kids, for God's sake.

306. Preston, would you come here.

307. Yeah.

308. Sweetie, you know our rule about eating cookies, right?

309. We can't have 'em after five 'cause sugar makes us hyper.

310. Yeah. But tonight, anything goes.

311. - Share with your brothers. - Thanks, Mom.

312. Don't look at your feet. Look at the road.

313. Look at the road. Good. Uh, OK, find your balance.

314. Find your balance. OK. It's all you. It's all you. You're doing great!

315. OK, stay to the right. Watch the car. Watch the car!

316. Oh, God!

317. - Are you OK? - Yeah, let's go again.

318. These heels don't have another block in them.

319. What about tomorrow?

320. Well, you won't be around tomorrow 'cause you have school.

321. I'm home schooled. I'm always around.

322. It was in that moment that Gabrielle realized,

323. this ride was far from over.

324. I'm coming.

325. Why are you here? I asked you to come tomorrow.

326. You wanted to talk. It sounded important.

327. - Tomorrow. I'm in a towel. - We were married 14 years.

328. I know what's under there. Come on.

329. I'm not really ready for this. I was going to have a whole speech prepared.

330. Brandi and I have plans tomorrow. I suggest you wing it.

331. Here's the thing. I was thinking about what happened in the driveway yesterday.

332. And I just don't want to... I don't want to live like that.

333. I don't want to be that kind of person.

334. I just thought, if the two of us... You know, if we had a nice, calm...

335. - I need an apology, Karl. - A what?

336. An apology. For the way you ended our marriage. You never took responsibility.

337. I don't know what to say, Susan. The heart wants what it wants.

338. - What does that mean? - I fell in love.

339. While you were married to someone else.

340. The heart wants what it wants.

341. Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself.

342. I don't want to go back to that ugly place,

343. and if you do, I suggest you get some help.

344. You know what, I don't need an apology. I don't need anything from you.

345. - You're humiliating yourself. - You're the one who's been humiliated.

346. You walked out on your family. People think you're scum, not me.

347. So worry about yourself. I'm OK with me.

348. I can walk down the street and hold my head high.

349. As the sun slowly settled on Wisteria Lane,

350. an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house.

351. Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan

352. this could be the most humiliating moment of her life.

353. - Susan? - She was wrong.

354. - What you doing? - Locked myself out. Naked.

355. And then I fell.

356. - So how are you? - Good. Good.

357. I just got back. I've been gone all day and I got your messages about dinner.

358. I'd love to come, if the invite still stands.

359. - It's a date. - Right. I assume the dress is casual.

360. Yeah. It's casual.

361. Thanks for helping me break in. Will it be hard to replace that screen?

362. That depends. If you nail it in yourself, you might want to wear gloves.

363. Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt.

364. OK. I know what just happened is funny in theory,

365. but I'm nowhere near ready to laugh about it, so, please, no jokes.

366. Hey, where have you two been?

367. Susan had a problem finding something to wear.

368. - Was that what you meant? - Pretty much.

369. The kids are bouncing off the walls?

370. I'm sure you can figure a way to put them to bed.

371. For God sakes, Tom, they're just kids.

372. Hey, are you OK?

373. Yes, I went jogging today and I think I pushed myself too hard.

374. You're probably not wearing the right shoes.

375. Yeah, that thought did cross my mind.

376. Gabrielle says you're taking lessons three times a week.

377. I'm thinking about playing again. It's great exercise.

378. - That it is. - My drop shot needs a tune up.

379. Could you give me the number of your pro?

380. - Yeah. I'll give it to you later. - What club does he work out of?

381. We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos.

382. You're not?

383. It's a story Bree concocted to cover the fact we're seeing a marriage counselor.

384. He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro.

385. Bree and I are in marriage counseling.

386. Everyone knows now.

387. Did the sky fall? Has your life come crashing down?

388. If everybody would please take your seats, dinner is served.

389. A grisly discovery was made today

390. when a chest was found in Rockwater Lake

391. by a local businessman and his grandson while they were fishing.

392. Investigators recovered a wooden chest

393. containing what appear to be human remains.

394. A police spokesman says the body was...

395. OK, I got to break the ice here. You're in counseling? Big deal.

396. You want humiliation, I'll give you humiliation.

397. I locked myself out of my house stark naked and got caught by Mike.

398. - Oh, my God. When did this happen? - Today. Right before the party.

399. What can I say? Right place, right time.

400. I can top that. Getting thrown out of Disneyland for lewd behavior.

401. When was this?

402. When we were first married, things got out of hand on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

403. You're kidding?

404. No. We got perp-walked down Main Street U.S.A.

405. Since we're doing true confessions, we once broke a water bed in Cancun.

406. - How? - He had a thing for spiked heels.

407. I'd like to make it clear, she was wearing them.

408. Rex cries after he ejaculates.

409. - Think we left too early? - I was thinking we left too late.

410. So is Rex gone for good?

411. I don't know. God, I hope not.

412. They've always been wound tight, but I've never seen 'em like that.

413. Who am I to judge?

414. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw soda cans?

415. OK, you have got to know that I only get that angry around Karl.

416. He treated me so badly at the end, I haven't been able to get past it.

417. - Maybe he did you a big favor. - What do you mean?

418. Look at Karl as a starter marriage, boot camp,

419. preparing you for something better next time.

420. Listen, Mike, about the whole seeing me naked thing,

421. I just want to thank you for being such a perfect gentleman.

422. I wasn't a perfect gentlemen. I might have snuck a peek.

423. Good night!

424. And for what it's worth...

425. Hi.

426. - How was your night? - We are raising little terrorists.

427. - You know that, don't you? - Didn't have a good time?

428. OK, you know, drop the act. I know you gave them cookies.

429. Who cracked anyway?

430. Porter.

431. Yeah. So how was your dinner party?

432. There was dinner, but it wasn't much of a party.

433. - What happened? - I don't know.

434. Rex announced that he and Bree are in counseling.

435. She retaliated with this whole revelation which I won't go into,

436. and the bottom line is, he stormed out.

437. Clearly, there's trouble in paradise.

438. - Honestly, I'm not that surprised. - Why not?

439. I just never got the idea that they were really happy.

440. Are we happy?

441. Man, oh, man. I keep seeing that look on Rex's face. Then him taking off.

442. Some night.

443. Then again, I'd probably cry too if I had to have sex with that woman.

444. You watch a man get torn down like that,

445. you wonder why he let her get away with it.

446. Believe me, if a woman ever humiliated me like that in public...

447. It would only happen once.

448. - So where are you going? - I'll be staying at the motor lodge.

449. The hotel by the interstate has better rates and it's closer to your work.

450. Fine.

451. I'm packing your swimsuit.

452. There's a pool there and I know how swimming relaxes you.

453. When our kids ask where I am, what are you gonna say?

454. I could tell them that you went to tennis camp.

455. - That was a joke. - Yeah. I got it.

456. There.

457. Obviously, if you've forgotten anything you can come right back and get it.

458. Well, I'll call you.

459. In college, when we first started dating, people were so jealous of us.

460. We were the golden couple. Everybody knew we'd have this wonderful life.

461. Why is this happening?

462. Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase.

463. All right. See ya. Have fun.

464. - Hey. Where are you going? - Just a sec.

465. - Mom? - Don't worry I'm not packing heat.

466. Hey, Brandi, could you scoot a little?

467. Just scoot. Thank you. Hi.

468. - What are you doing? - I'll be quick.

469. I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

470. It was uncalled for and childish, and it won't happen again.

471. I have built up a lot of anger towards you, both of you.

472. And I realize now I can't carry that around anymore.

473. So apology or no apology, I'm moving on.

474. - Mrs. Mayer. - Brandi. Brandi, get in the car.

475. - Mrs. Mayer. - Please, call me Susan.

476. I just wanted you to know, what happened between me and Karl,

477. things got out of hand because I thought your marriage was over.

478. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry, I really am.

479. Thank you.

480. And though it came from an unexpected source,

481. Susan finally got the apology she'd always wanted.

482. Hey, let me take those.

483. - You're wearing a really big hat. - Yes, I am.

484. Listen, the kids are watching a video

485. which means we've got only about 45 minutes until they actually find Nemo,

486. so I suggest that we make the most of it.

487. By reliving your night out with the guys?

488. I'm trying.

489. You look ridiculous in that thing.

490. Sexy ridiculous?

491. Maybe.

492. I can live with "maybe".

493. You know, it's gonna take more than just this one night.

494. I know.

495. It looks like we have an audience.

496. Let 'em look. As long as they don't try and cut in.

497. - Dr. Goldfine. - Bree. We're not scheduled now, are we?

498. I didn't have time to make an appointment. Rex moved out today.

499. I'm very sorry to hear that, but I'm completely booked right now.

500. I don't need much time. You have more insight into my situation than I do.

501. Bree, we can't talk now.

502. If you tell me what he told you, then I could fix the problem.

503. - I can't do that. It's unethical. - Why can't you...?

504. That's my next appointment. You really need to go.

505. Dr. Goldfine, please.

506. Hold on, I'll go and talk to my client.

507. Bree searched for Rex's audio tape hoping to find answers.

508. She found answers all right...

509. but to entirely different questions.

510. OK. Yeah, I'll be out in just a moment.

511. Bree, I'm sorry, he can't wait.

512. But I can see you first thing in the morning, eight o'clock.

513. Eight o'clock.

514. Sorry to interrupt. Bye.

515. Yes, I remember the world, every detail.

516. And what I remember most is how afraid I was.

517. What a waste.

518. You see, to live in fear is not to live at all.

519. I wish I could tell this to those I left behind.

520. But would it do any good?

521. Probably not.

522. I understand now. There will always be those who face their fears.

523. And there will always be those... who run away.