Desperate Housewives 1x22

1. Previously on Desperate Housewives...

2. My electronic monitoring device. I'm on house arrest.

3. - Investigations began. - I need you to check into someone else.

4. There's this plumber I know.

5. - Boundaries were pushed. - You won't regret taking this journey.

6. - And the news... - Peterson called me into his office.

7. - ... went from bad... - He's holding the promotion for Duggan.

8. - ... to worse. - I'm pregnant and it might be yours.

9. Edie Britt's favorite moment of every day

10. was her arrival at the construction site of her new home,

11. because she knew what was about to happen.

12. Her sudden appearance was always sure to generate a few appreciative glances,

13. a few lascivious looks,

14. and some downright ogling.

15. Sadly for Edie, the one man she wanted most to notice her...

16. paid her no attention at all.

17. Yes, Edie needed attention to feel good about herself.

18. And she was determined to get it.

19. Miss Britt, you look extra beautiful today.

20. Cyrus, you're so sweet.

21. So anyhow, I was wondering if maybe

22. I could take you out to dinner some time.

23. Oh, honey, you are so far out of your league

24. that you are playing a completely different sport.

25. - Hey there. - Hey, Edie. What's up?

26. - Nice ensemble. You busy? - No, not really.

27. Good. I bought fresh donuts for my construction workers

28. and as you can see, I bought a few too many.

29. So I thought you and I could...

30. - Susan. - Hey there, Edie.

31. - What are you... - Mike and I got back together.

32. - Super. - I knew you'd be happy for us.

33. - So what's going on? - Edie was about to...

34. Free donuts. Want 'em or not?

35. How sweet. Thanks.

36. Why don't you go put these on a plate?

37. And save me one with sprinkles.

38. I cannot believe you are still coming onto him.

39. You said you were finished. You thought he was a murderer.

40. And that was your cue to come and flirt?

41. You wasted your time and your donuts.

42. Not if you choke on them.

43. - Thanks, Edie. The donuts look great. - Pleasure.

44. See you.

45. I'm gonna run home and get some milk to go with those donuts.

46. Hey. It's a shame you've got to keep running back and forth.

47. I can't have donuts and juice.

48. No, I mean, we should move in together.

49. - Come on. What do you say? - I say...

50. Hold that thought. Edie. Stop.

51. - Hang on. - What now?

52. I was just rude back there, gloating and everything. I apologize.

53. Thank you, Susan. That's very big of you.

54. And on a completely unrelated topic, Mike and I are moving in together. Bye.

55. Yes, Edie Britt needed the attention of men to feel good about herself.

56. Hey, Cyrus. You have lunch plans?

57. No.

58. And even she was amazed at how far she was willing to go to get it.

59. Ellsberg Hotel, half an hour.

60. Welcome to the majors.

61. Mr. and Mrs. Edwin Mullins were finally leaving Wisteria Lane.

62. In the past year, their street had played host to arson,

63. violence, blackmail, and murder.

64. Fearing they too would be infected by this moral decay,

65. the Mullins felt it was time to say goodbye.

66. Strangely enough, none of their neighbors

67. seemed to notice they were moving out.

68. Hey. I thought you might be thirsty.

69. No, I'm good.

70. So how's your roommate doing?

71. He's hanging in there.

72. Yeah. Well, I had to tell him some news

73. that was a little bit upsetting for him.

74. - No kidding. - Excuse me?

75. John's not good enough to raise a child?

76. - That kid could be his. - It's a complicated situation.

77. Seems pretty simple to me.

78. You're an unfeeling bitch.

79. Why did you hit the lawn boy?

80. If you saw what he did to our begonias, you'd slap him too.

81. I can't tell from this.

82. - Hey. - Hey. What are you doing here?

83. Duggan's coming back to work. I thought I'd do something special.

84. This has nothing to do with you checking up on me and Annabel?

85. What?

86. Yesterday you brought pictures of the kids.

87. The day before that you brought me soup.

88. Lynette, honey, it's got to stop.

89. Tom.

90. I don't care about you working with Annabel.

91. I told you that. This is for Duggan. He had a heart attack.

92. - I don't care about Annabel. - Hey, Lynette.

93. Speak of the devil.

94. And I mean that.

95. Well, you're becoming a regular fixture around here, aren't you?

96. Yeah. I wanted to do something nice for Duggan.

97. I suppose filling his bloodstream with butter fat might be considered nice.

98. Actually, it's fruit juice sweetened. Can I cut you...

99. a piece?

100. Everyone, I need to see you right now.

101. OK, listen up. I just spoke with Tim Duggan's wife.

102. It looks like he's not going to be returning to work after all.

103. He had a relapse last night,

104. which puts us in a very tight spot.

105. But we're gonna work together as a team and do what we need to do.

106. Jerry, take the Hollister account,

107. Suzanne, Paradise Springs,

108. and, Annabel, take the lead on the Traveler's Hotel chain.

109. - You leave for Hawaii in three days. - I can't do Travelers by myself.

110. Not if they're moving into print.

111. Well, choose someone to take with you.

112. OK.

113. I choose Tom.

114. Let's see. I've beaten you at bridge and mahjong and hearts.

115. This is your last chance to redeem yourself.

116. Stop it. You're gonna make me laugh.

117. OK, I'll be good.

118. - Miss it, miss it, miss it. - Bree.

119. Come on. I'm allowed to psych you out.

120. OK. Time's up. Take your best shot.

121. I'm not ready yet.

122. - Hurry up. There are people waiting. - One more minute.

123. - Come on, take your... - Don't do that.

124. George.

125. Do you have an erection?

126. I'm sorry.

127. - What on earth? - You were blowing on my ear.

128. - I was teasing you. - Exactly.

129. You have got to get rid of it. There are children present.

130. - How? - I don't know.

131. - Think of something unpleasant. - Like what?

132. Like famine or disease or hoboes. Whatever. Just hurry.

133. You can't be mad about it. It's not something men can control.

134. I thought Rex's dislike of you was paranoid.

135. But you had feelings for me all along.

136. God, this is just such a betrayal.

137. Come on, Bree. The only thing I'm guilty of is loving you in silence.

138. You shouldn't be doing that. I'm married.

139. To a selfish liar who betrayed you with a hooker.

140. I told you that in confidence. How dare you throw it back in my face?

141. So you're ending our friendship, after everything I've done for you?

142. What is that supposed to mean?

143. Nothing. It didn't mean anything.

144. George. I do love you. As a friend.

145. I wish you could love me the same way back, but since you can't...

146. goodbye.

147. Later that day, Edie Britt witnessed something disturbing.

148. Something she was determined to put a stop to.

149. - Is Susan coming? - She said she might be late.

150. They've started moving Mike's things to her house.

151. - Already? - Good for her.

152. Yeah. It's nice to see Susan so happy again.

153. Yeah, I'm happy for Susan.

154. But don't you think she and Mike are moving a little fast?

155. Two days ago she thought he was a murderer and now they're moving in?

156. But she found out it was in self-defense.

157. - They've cleared everything up. - Good point.

158. - Mike's a decent guy. - Yeah, that's true.

159. Of course, there was the gunshot wound.

160. That's right. Did he ever explain that?

161. No. And I know guns, and that wound was not self-inflicted.

162. What about Mrs. Huber's bloodstained jewelry?

163. Yeah. That didn't walk into Mike's garage by itself.

164. Maybe this is a mistake.

165. If there's one thing I've learned, men can't be trusted.

166. Hold it. Are you saying that we should put a stop to this?

167. I guess it wouldn't hurt to sit her down and share our concerns.

168. - Yeah, we could do that. - Yeah.

169. Edie, do you want to be a part of it?

170. Normally I prefer not to get involved.

171. But...

172. if there's any way that I could help Susan.

173. - We need to talk. - OK.

174. When I was packing up your stuff in your bedroom I found a box of bullets.

175. Look, I feel bad about Deirdre and you must want to find out who killed her

176. but we can't have this stuff hanging over us.

177. You've got to get rid of it. All of it.

178. The file, the map, the gun. Especially the gun.

179. Leave this to the police. They're the professionals.

180. What can I say?

181. It seems like a reasonable request.

182. Really? Well, that was easy.

183. Maybe after lunch we could talk about your leather beanbag chair.

184. "I realize now that I've treated you badly."

185. "I'm the one who needs to get help, not you."

186. "So I have to go away. Mrs. Tillman will look out for you."

187. I don't consider it a burden. You know you're welcome here.

188. "I've left you some things. I hope you can take comfort in them."

189. "I got you a new mitt."

190. "Work on your curve ball while I'm gone. I love you. Dad."

191. I don't understand. Why wouldn't he come see me? Why just run away?

192. Your father's been very troubled. I'm sure he did what he felt was best.

193. And he wants me to take comfort in this junk?

194. I hate baseball. You'd think he'd know that.

195. Zach.

196. - Susan's coming. - OK.

197. OK, guys. Interventions are never pretty.

198. Stay strong 'cause she's probably gonna cry.

199. Bonjour.

200. Hi. I didn't know that the cooking lesson was gonna be a group activity.

201. Well, the more the merrier, right?

202. As long as no one makes fun of my crepes.

203. How come I'm the only one wearing an apron?

204. It seems like we're ganging up on you

205. but you were moving so fast we thought a sort of intervention was necessary.

206. I know it's tough to hear. None of us wanted to do this.

207. I appreciate what you guys are trying to do. I really do.

208. I'm not gonna change my mind.

209. In my life, I've been hurt a lot.

210. Karl and...

211. Well, it's just taught me to be cynical

212. and expect the absolute worst from people.

213. I don't want to live like that any more,

214. and when Mike asked me to move in with him,

215. I was just happy, you know, just ridiculously happy.

216. I still am. And I want to go with that feeling.

217. I love him and... I love him.

218. So I'm gonna expect the best from Mike

219. and I know that he is gonna deliver that in return.

220. - OK? - Honey.

221. This is the worst intervention I have ever been to.

222. This is fun. It's forever since we had lunch.

223. Well, as happy as I am to see you, I actually have an agenda.

224. I ran into someone last week who said you guys are looking to hire.

225. - Is that true? - Yeah.

226. Are you thinking of coming back? Because say the word...

227. No, not me. I was actually thinking more about Tom.

228. Tom.

229. Yeah, he's been thinking about making a move for a while.

230. He feels like he's done everything he can where he is now.

231. Well, Tom's certainly solid.

232. He's more than solid. Tom's ideas are spectacular.

233. He's passionate about his work. His visual instincts are off the chart.

234. - Is he as good as you? - He's apples, I'm oranges.

235. We excel in different areas.

236. Trust me, you should give Tom a look.

237. I don't need apples.

238. I need someone like you.

239. Cutthroat. Ruthless.

240. Geez, Nat. You make me sound like some kind of shark.

241. OK.

242. You know, actually

243. If that's the kind of exec you're looking for...

244. You got a shark for me?

245. Yes. A very pretty shark.

246. So here's what I'm thinking.

247. I'm gonna see if Dr. Morrison at the Lipstone Clinic can come in and consult.

248. You want to bring someone else in?

249. Your body isn't responding to the medication the way it should.

250. The tests we've run have all come back negative so I...

251. I just want to be on the safe side.

252. Will you excuse me? I need to take this.

253. I don't know why

254. but I have this overwhelming feeling that you're gonna be just fine.

255. Lee Craig has the biggest ego of any doctor I know.

256. If he wants to consult with someone, that means he's stumped.

257. - Which means I'm screwed. - Don't say that.

258. Damn it, Bree, do you understand what's going on here?

259. I could die.

260. - So could I. - What?

261. I could walk across the street tomorrow and be hit by a car.

262. What in God's name is your point?

263. All I'm saying is that we're both gonna die eventually.

264. In the time that we have left, whether it's two days or two decades,

265. I think we should be nice to each other.

266. You're right.

267. Miss Tillman.

268. Paul Young's been missing for a couple of days. Have you seen him?

269. Why ask me?

270. I saw him leave a box on your doorstep. And I've seen Zach over here.

271. If I did know where Mr. Young was, why would I tell you?

272. Look, the police think I killed your sister and I'm sure you do too.

273. But I had nothing to do with it.

274. And you think Paul Young did.

275. No, that's not what I was saying.

276. You gotta admit, it's a neat theory.

277. Care for a snack?

278. So it's not such a stretch.

279. I wonder if Paul avenged his wife's death

280. by killing Martha for blackmailing them.

281. But perhaps I'm alone in that.

282. - You're not. - Aren't you sweet? Tea?

283. Thanks.

284. Does this say anything about why she was blackmailing the Youngs?

285. Not specifically.

286. But I got the definite impression that it involved a murder,

287. now here you are saying your friend was murdered.

288. Any reason you haven't shown these to the police?

289. Are you in favor of the death penalty?

290. Yeah.

291. So am I. We had it in Utah.

292. Not in this state, though.

293. A shame, don't you agree?

294. Yeah, I do.

295. I like you so much, Mr. Delfino.

296. Do you know where Paul Young is?

297. I'm afraid not.

298. But I know where he'll be on Thursday night.

299. That afternoon, while retrieving her mail,

300. Gabrielle was surprised to finally learn the truth behind her pregnancy.

301. Very surprised.

302. Babe, you want to go online and check out strollers?

303. What's going on?

304. I just want to say goodbye, because I'm leaving you.

305. What?

306. Our health insurance sent us a letter.

307. Someone ordered a year's worth of my pills.

308. Apparently our policy doesn't cover drugs bought by the kilo.

309. I told you it was Mama.

310. The prescription was dated. Juanita was in a coma when this claim was filed.

311. You did this. Not your mother.

312. At least be man enough to own up to it. She would have been.

313. - Stop. - Pregnant, caveman. Remember?

314. - Where are you going? - Away.

315. I'm going to jail. I'll be gone tomorrow.

316. I know. That's why I only packed one bag.

317. What about the baby, Gabrielle? What about my baby?

318. - Your baby? - Fine. Our baby.

319. We're a family now. This baby needs its mother and its father.

320. Carlos. Who ever said you were the father?

321. Hey.

322. Hey.

323. Hey. What the hell are you doing?

324. Damn felon.

325. All units, code D16-30. Suspect is in violation of house arrest.

326. - Heading west on Park Boulevard. - This is unit 14. We're on our way.

327. - Looks like the Feds have a runner. - Let's go.

328. - Is John here? - If I say no will you slap me again?

329. He's working. Why?

330. I just left my husband.

331. Hang on.

332. Think just because you mow my lawn, you can bang my wife?

333. Hey. What's going on?

334. Tom, I have had the craziest day.

335. This morning the guys from Mitchell and Kerns call me and offer me a job.

336. - Are you gonna take it? - I told Peterson about it.

337. He just upped their offer. He just made me vice president.

338. - Of what? - Tom. The firm.

339. He gave me Duggan's old job. Isn't that wild?

340. I gotta go tell Scotty. I'll see you later.

341. Tom, I was just coming to find you.

342. What the hell, Dan? I mean, what the hell?

343. You promoted Annabel over me?

344. She got another job offer. I couldn't afford to lose her. Not now.

345. Well, guess what. You lose me. 'Cause I quit.

346. - Tom, don't overreact. - No. The first time you passed me by

347. I took it like a good soldier. But I have already been doing the job.

348. And then you just hand it to Annabel?

349. OK. You made your point.

350. You make crappy decisions on a daily basis, Dan, I gotta tell you.

351. - But this one, this is the stupidest. - Hey, watch yourself.

352. You have been running this company into the ground.

353. I'm getting out easy.

354. All right. You want to know why I gave that promotion to Annabel?

355. Why she got the nod instead of you?

356. It was Lynette.

357. - What? - She went to my wife and begged her

358. to get me to kill your promotion.

359. She said that if you start traveling more, it's gonna hurt your family.

360. She did that?

361. Now I feel like a chump for trying to help you.

362. I guess it was one of my crappy decisions.

363. Have your desk cleaned out by tonight.

364. You gonna tell us what you got against this kid?

365. It's between him and me. And my wife.

366. Is that what this is about? You doing his wife?

367. No. I'm gay.

368. - You're gay? - What?

369. I'm gay.

370. This is not happening again.

371. What do you mean, again?

372. I want a lawyer.

373. George.

374. Hi. What are you doing here?

375. I'm shopping. Obviously.

376. You live on the other side of town.

377. My friend had an operation. I'm buying her some things.

378. Oh. That's very nice of you.

379. Wait. Bree. I have to tell you something.

380. Well?

381. You need to tell Rex to be more discreet

382. when it comes to discussing your love life.

383. - I'm sorry? - I don't want to say anything more.

384. You just really need to tell him that.

385. Wait a minute. What in the world are you talking about?

386. I was at the hospital visiting my friend who had had this operation.

387. I overheard two doctors

388. talking about Rex's fondness for S&M.

389. You heard that?

390. Apparently he told them he has a box of toys

391. and he gets you to do very inappropriate things.

392. I see.

393. This is none of my business and I would have never brought this up

394. but to hear those two men laughing about you...

395. I just thought you should know.

396. Thank you for telling me but I think I gotta go.

397. Hey, got some more boxes.

398. That's your answer to everything these days.

399. What do you want to do for dinner?

400. I can't. I just got an emergency phone call.

401. - Busted water main. - OK.

402. I'll keep it warm for you.

403. I'm afraid I'm gonna be too late for dinner.

404. I wasn't talking about dinner.

405. - Need some help? - No.

406. No, I got it.

407. I got it.

408. So if you have a plumbing emergency, shouldn't you get going?

409. I'm just part of the relief crew.

410. Well, I'll just get back to work.

411. Mum, stalking? Are we really doing this?

412. You just made a huge deal about how much you trust him.

413. That was before I found Mrs. Huber's journal in his truck.

414. So what's in it?

415. It's not about what's in it, it's about the fact that he had it at all.

416. I'd bet you anything he's not going on a plumbing job and we're gonna find out.

417. Mum, if you don't trust him, why are you moving in with him?

418. I don't have time to explain adult relationships to you.

419. Duck down.

420. - I think you lost him. - He's six cars up.

421. We have to stay back or he'll see us.

422. OK, great, but we can't see him either. Mum, you're not great at this.

423. Yeah? When your father was cheating on me I used to follow him all the time.

424. I know my stuff.

425. There he is.

426. What's Mike doing? Who's he pulling up to?

427. I don't know but I'm gonna find out.

428. Wait here.

429. And lock the doors.

430. What the hell are you up to? My God.

431. OK.

432. Bye.

433. - Was that your wife? - If it was, would I be here with you?

434. - It wasn't Mike, was it? - No.

435. No, it wasn't.

436. They're charging you with a hate crime?

437. Do you remember when our cable guy was beaten up?

438. That was me.

439. I thought you were cheating with him.

440. With our gay cable guy?

441. I didn't know he was gay.

442. I didn't know Justin was either.

443. Now the cops think I'm some kind of serial gay basher.

444. - Well, you sort of are. - You provoked me.

445. You were pretending to have an affair just to punish me.

446. Well, obviously.

447. So now I need you to lie again.

448. I need you to tell the cops you were having an affair

449. and that I just beat up the wrong guy.

450. Guys.

451. I am not lying for you, Carlos.

452. Gabby, if this charge sticks, I get sent away for eight years.

453. Am I supposed to be impressed?

454. Because of your stunt with my pills,

455. I've lost my freedom for the next 18 years.

456. Gabby, please don't do this.

457. Gabby, don't walk away.

458. Gabby.

459. OK, next time I won't bring my daughter to stalk my boyfriend.

460. It was a slight error in judgment.

461. Honey, please don't give me the silent treatment.

462. I'm not.

463. - Did you say you read this? - Part of it. Why?

464. Mrs. Huber was blackmailing Zach's mum.

465. Zach?

466. What are you doing up?

467. I couldn't sleep so I was just sitting here.

468. Thinking.

469. About what?

470. Do you really want to know?

471. Bree, I'm not feeling too hot right now so just tell me.

472. What's up?

473. I was thinking that the biggest mistake of my entire life

474. was agreeing to marry you.

475. Let me guess. I've done something wrong.

476. Forcing me to share in your depraved pastime wasn't enough,

477. you had to share my humiliation with your co-workers?

478. - What? - Rex.

479. Everybody is talking about our sex life.

480. Every sordid little detail,

481. right down to that box of perversions in the closet.

482. I never said anything to anyone. I swear to God.

483. - You're a liar. - Who told you this?

484. - Doesn't matter. - It does. I never said anything.

485. How do people know? I wouldn't say anything.

486. Why would I talk about what we do in bed?

487. I don't know, Rex. Maybe you were bragging.

488. Or maybe you just subconsciously wanted to hurt me.

489. Well, congratulations. You did it. I am officially destroyed.

490. - I didn't say anything. - I don't believe you.

491. Rex? What? What is it?

492. I think I'm having a heart attack.

493. No, you're not.

494. Bree, you're gonna have to take me to the hospital.

495. All right. You go downstairs

496. and I will be... I'll be right there.

497. Daddy? What are you doing?

498. I'm waiting for your mother to take me to the Emergency Room.

499. - What's wrong? - I'm having a heart attack.

500. My God. Where is she?

501. That's a good question.

502. - Daddy's having a heart attack. - I know. I'm taking him to hospital.

503. Well, when?

504. When I finish making the bed.

505. What?

506. I never leave the house with an unmade bed. You know that.

507. But Daddy needs to go to the hospital.

508. There. Now we can go.

509. Nothing is forever.

510. And the time comes when we all must say goodbye to the world we knew.

511. Goodbye to everything we had taken for granted.

512. Goodbye to those we thought would never abandon us.

513. And when these changes finally do occur,

514. when the familiar has departed,

515. and the unfamiliar has taken its place,

516. all any of us can really do

517. is to say hello...

518. and welcome.