1. Previously, on Desperate Housewives...Copy !req
2. - Grandma's here.
- In life...Copy !req
3. - A post-nuptial agreement.
- I'm not signing this.Copy !req
4. - Sign it.
- Stop. You're hurting me.Copy !req
5. Mrs. Solis. What are you doing?Copy !req
6. you can't change what's been done...Copy !req
7. People leave trails.
One of those will lead to Deirdre.Copy !req
8. I'm not taking my money to the grave.
I'm gonna use it to save your ass.Copy !req
9. or who people really are.Copy !req
10. Andrew just told me
he thinks he might be gay.Copy !req
11. Every morning,
as she went to take out her trash,Copy !req
12. Lynette Scavo would indulge
in a little daydream,Copy !req
13. the details of which
were always the same.Copy !req
14. One day, her nasty neighbor
Karen McCluskeyCopy !req
15. would keel over and die.Copy !req
16. And her home would be bought
by a lovely Swedish familyCopy !req
17. with two adorable twin daughters.Copy !req
18. The families would form
an everlasting friendship,Copy !req
19. culminating in their daughters
marrying her sonsCopy !req
20. at an elaborate weddingCopy !req
21. the Scavos wouldn't have to pay for.Copy !req
22. Yes, Lynette enjoyed
her little daydream.Copy !req
23. But Mrs. McCluskey
always had a wayCopy !req
24. of pulling her back to reality.Copy !req
25. Why are you
stealing my garbage cans?Copy !req
26. Garbage pick-up was two days ago,
they've been here ever since.Copy !req
27. - I assumed you didn't want them.
- That's very cute.Copy !req
28. That's great. Here, give 'em here.Copy !req
29. Bad enough that God-awful color
you painted the house.Copy !req
30. We shouldn't have to stare
at your cans for days on end.Copy !req
31. Good neighbor etiquette?Copy !req
32. How about you hire a gardener to take
care of that jungle you call a lawn?Copy !req
33. I am on a fixed income.Copy !req
34. Perhaps you should consider
somewhere less expensive.Copy !req
35. - Like a nursing home.
- Go to hell.Copy !req
36. Run by Germans.Copy !req
37. And, you know...Copy !req
38. Mrs. McCluskey.Copy !req
39. Mrs. McCluskey, are you all right?Copy !req
40. I'll get the door.Copy !req
41. Mrs. McCluskey.Copy !req
42. For a brief moment,Copy !req
43. Lynette was presented with
an interesting choice of options.Copy !req
44. And though she knew
she'd hate herself in the morning,Copy !req
45. Lynette chose to do the right thing.Copy !req
46. Lynette, where are they taking me?Copy !req
47. You're going to the hospital,
you're gonna be fine.Copy !req
48. I don't wanna go alone. Come with me.Copy !req
49. These are trained technicians
and I've got a roast in the freezer.Copy !req
50. Please. I'm scared.Copy !req
51. Yeah, I'll come with you.
OK, here I am.Copy !req
52. Thank you.Copy !req
53. If I die,
I don't want it to be with strangers.Copy !req
54. - You're not going to die.
- How can you be so sure?Copy !req
55. Of course, Lynette didn't respond.Copy !req
56. How could she tell her neighbor
that some dreamsCopy !req
57. are just too beautiful to come true?Copy !req
58. Life is a journey.Copy !req
59. One that is much better traveled
with a companion by our side.Copy !req
60. But sometimes,
we lose our companions along the way.Copy !req
61. And then the journey
becomes unbearable.Copy !req
62. Noah.Copy !req
63. I didn't know you were a religious man.
What's with the rosary?Copy !req
64. They found Deirdre.Copy !req
65. What?Copy !req
66. Her body had been stuffed
inside a toy chest.Copy !req
67. Can you believe that?Copy !req
68. A kid's toy chest.Copy !req
69. She'd been dismembered.Copy !req
70. My God.Copy !req
71. Cops ID'd her from her dental records.Copy !req
72. She's been dead 15 years.Copy !req
73. All that time I was looking for her.Copy !req
74. She was already gone.Copy !req
75. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
76. I have to bury my baby.Copy !req
77. I came out here to figure out
what kind of tombstone to get her.Copy !req
78. You shouldn't be doing this now.Copy !req
79. Let's get you home.Copy !req
80. - There's a cop I want you to talk to.
- A cop?Copy !req
81. His name is Sullivan.Copy !req
82. I paid him to take the heat off you
for your neighbor's murder.Copy !req
83. He'll get you the file
on Deirdre's case.Copy !req
84. Apparently they have some leads.Copy !req
85. I don't know.
I think we may be making a huge mistake.Copy !req
86. We made our decision,
let's stick to it.Copy !req
87. Let's say we leave him here
three more weeks.Copy !req
88. What's the worst that could happen?Copy !req
89. Our son just told us
that he might be gay.Copy !req
90. There are 200 other boys in this camp.Copy !req
91. I could explain to you what might happen
if we left him here.Copy !req
92. But I am a lady
and I don't use that kind of language.Copy !req
93. I bet we're worrying over nothing.
This is probably just a phase.Copy !req
94. We'll get him into Christian counseling
so it won't become a lifestyle.Copy !req
95. Whatever's going on with him,
he's still our son and we love him.Copy !req
96. Why would you say that to me?Copy !req
97. It's obvious how freaked out you are
by the whole gay thing.Copy !req
98. I'm freaked out but that doesn't change
how I feel about him.Copy !req
99. I'm just saying, be cool.Copy !req
100. - I can be just as cool as you can.
- All right.Copy !req
101. It'll be nice to have you back.Copy !req
102. Andrew, I would love you
even if you were a murderer.Copy !req
103. Mommy, the line's not moving.Copy !req
104. For Pete's sake.Copy !req
105. Mom.Copy !req
106. Mom. The kids are waiting.Copy !req
107. Honey, Hector here
teaches salsa at the community center.Copy !req
108. - I give private lessons too.
- I bet you do.Copy !req
109. Mom, would you please not flirt
with the ice cream man?Copy !req
110. Why not?Copy !req
111. Do you need a reason beyond the fact
that he's the ice cream man?Copy !req
112. It's called moving on with your life.Copy !req
113. You broke up with Morty two weeks ago.Copy !req
114. At least pretend
to mourn the relationship.Copy !req
115. You are such a stick-in-the-mud.Copy !req
116. We should be out there having fun.Copy !req
117. I know what we can do tonight.Copy !req
118. We can go to some hip club
and get some hot guys.Copy !req
119. - Mom.
- It'll be great.Copy !req
120. I'll say I'm 42 and you can be 28.Copy !req
121. What?Copy !req
122. You can pull it off!Copy !req
123. Mrs. McCluskey,
you're back from hospital already?Copy !req
124. Turns out I OD'd
on my arthritis medication.Copy !req
125. One pill, I can open a jar. Four pills,
I'm face down, crawling for my life.Copy !req
126. You'll find out about that soon enough.Copy !req
127. Well, I'm glad to hear
you're all right.Copy !req
128. Here, my way of saying thank you for not
letting me die out there on the lawn.Copy !req
129. - Mrs. McCluskey, you don't...
- Keep that.Copy !req
130. It's genuine Tiffany.
Been in my family for years.Copy !req
131. I don't know what to say.
It's stunning, thank you.Copy !req
132. - I'd invite you in...
- I wanna tell you what my doctor said.Copy !req
133. Arthritis is the least of my problems.Copy !req
134. See, I had this skin tag,
or what I thought was a skin tag,Copy !req
135. but it might be more serious...Copy !req
136. What do you think you're doing?Copy !req
137. Please. I can't sleep in the den
any more. I need to sleep in a bed.Copy !req
138. You might wanna try a motel,
'cause you're not coming back in here.Copy !req
139. How many times
have I got to say I'm sorry?Copy !req
140. Obviously a few more.Copy !req
141. I'm not proud of what I did.Copy !req
142. I admit I was way out of line.Copy !req
143. You want back in this bed?
You know what to do.Copy !req
144. - I'm not tearing up the post-nup.
- Why not?Copy !req
145. Because it's the one way I can ensure
you'll be here when I get out of jail.Copy !req
146. Well, then, have fun at the motel.Copy !req
147. Fine. Tomorrow I'm canceling
your credit cards.Copy !req
148. What?Copy !req
149. And I'm taking away your ATM as well.Copy !req
150. What am I supposed to do for money?Copy !req
151. Once you see how good you've got it,
you'll treat me with respect.Copy !req
152. You want my respect?
Tear up the post-nup.Copy !req
153. Give me my pillow.Copy !req
154. One more thing.Copy !req
155. If you ever hurt me again,
I will kill you.Copy !req
156. If you ever leave me for another man,
I'll kill you.Copy !req
157. Boy, with all this passion,
isn't it a shame we're not having sex?Copy !req
158. I feel trapped.Copy !req
159. - Want me to open a window?
- No, I'm talking about my life.Copy !req
160. Are we done making out?Copy !req
161. No, no, keep going.Copy !req
162. So what's up?Copy !req
163. I'm unhappy.
With Carlos and my marriage...Copy !req
164. I feel like I don't have options,
it's driving me crazy.Copy !req
165. Every time something went south
in my life, I always had a plan B.Copy !req
166. - Now, I feel like I have nothing.
- What about me?Copy !req
167. - Can't I be your plan B?
- Damn it, John. What is our new rule?Copy !req
168. Stop pretending
we have a future.Copy !req
169. - Thank you.
- Can't you just walk out?Copy !req
170. No. If I leave,
I'll be broke and that's awful.Copy !req
171. If I stay, he's in control
and that's horrifying.Copy !req
172. And he cut up all my credit cards,Copy !req
173. which means I'm married to him
and unable to shop.Copy !req
174. Which is probably
the worst of all possible worlds.Copy !req
175. - I'm sorry.
- I'll figure something out.Copy !req
176. I'm not much fun today.
I'm gonna go.Copy !req
177. Wait.Copy !req
178. - What's this?
- You deserve nice things.Copy !req
179. And if Mr. Solis
won't provide them, I will.Copy !req
180. - With your student credit card?
- I own my own business.Copy !req
181. - You mow lawns.
- I make good money.Copy !req
182. I've 20 houses and I'm this close
to getting the country club.Copy !req
183. - I can't.
- Yes, you can.Copy !req
184. I'll pay it off.Copy !req
185. If you want. But you don't have to.Copy !req
186. Mrs. Solis. To take care of you,
it's my dream.Copy !req
187. Well, far be it from me to stand
in the way of a young man's dream.Copy !req
188. OK, Tom, I will swing by the
dry-cleaners' after I hit the market.Copy !req
189. I don't know. Porter
has a dentist appointment at 4 pm.Copy !req
190. so the car might have to wait
until tomorrow.Copy !req
191. OK, yeah, I love you too.Copy !req
192. - Bye-bye.
- Hi, there.Copy !req
193. I brought you some avocados.
I've a tree but I hate 'em.Copy !req
194. Your family seems like
the kind that would eat guacamole.Copy !req
195. Mrs. McCluskey, thank you.
That is very nice.Copy !req
196. - So let's make up a batch.
- Now's not a good time.Copy !req
197. I'm on my way out,
I have a ton of errands.Copy !req
198. That's great, my car's on the fritz
and I could hitch a ride.Copy !req
199. - I need to drop by the pharmacy.
- No, I can't.Copy !req
200. I'm sorry, but I have
a lot of things to do.Copy !req
201. You could take me later or tomorrow.Copy !req
202. Mrs. McCluskey,
I'm not gonna have any time tomorrow.Copy !req
203. Interesting you can't
spend two minutes with meCopy !req
204. but you have no trouble
taking my Tiffany lamp.Copy !req
205. For God's sakes!Copy !req
206. Here. You should take this back.Copy !req
207. I don't have a place for it.Copy !req
208. That was my thank you
for saving my life.Copy !req
209. I know, and it was
a beautiful gesture, really.Copy !req
210. - But I just...
- Save it, Lynette.Copy !req
211. I get the picture.Copy !req
212. - God.
- Susie, this is Tim.Copy !req
213. Sorry if we startled you.Copy !req
214. That's OK.Copy !req
215. I just didn't expect to see anybody up
at a quarter to one.Copy !req
216. Susie,
you should have come out tonight.Copy !req
217. I met Tim here at the Islands barCopy !req
218. and he introduced me
to this crazy drink.Copy !req
219. The Dirty Volcano.Copy !req
220. Then we danced.Copy !req
221. He dipped me.Copy !req
222. Sophie's very limber.Copy !req
223. Mom, could I just talk to you
in the family room for a minute?Copy !req
224. - Sure.
- Susan is your daughter?Copy !req
225. - Yup.
- No, she can't be.Copy !req
226. - Yes.
- No.Copy !req
227. OK, we get it.Copy !req
228. She looks young.Copy !req
229. That man has magic fingers.Copy !req
230. What are you doing?
I have a daughter.Copy !req
231. You can't bring men you meet in bars
here in the middle of the night.Copy !req
232. We're just having a few laughs.
What's the big deal?Copy !req
233. You're trying to get over Morty
but this is not the way to do it.Copy !req
234. Go out there and tell him to go home.Copy !req
235. You know how blue I've been.
Why can't you be supportive?Copy !req
236. - I've been plenty supportive.
- You haven't. You really haven't.Copy !req
237. Tim is my guest
and he will go home when I say so.Copy !req
238. If he's not gone in five minutes,Copy !req
239. I'm gonna go out there
and tell him how old you really are.Copy !req
240. Tim, it's time for me
to go sleepy-bye.Copy !req
241. Delfino.Copy !req
242. Yeah.Copy !req
243. You must be Sullivan.Copy !req
244. The file on Noah's daughter.Copy !req
245. Yeah, he said you had some leads.Copy !req
246. Yeah, sure, we got some leads.Copy !req
247. - Is there a problem?
- Gee, I don't know.Copy !req
248. I'm handing a confidential police report
over to a killer and drug-dealer.Copy !req
249. Why should that be a problem?Copy !req
250. Thanks.Copy !req
251. Is this what our justice
system has come to?Copy !req
252. Guys like you walking the streets
without a care in the world?Copy !req
253. - I did my time.
- Not enough, you piece of garbage.Copy !req
254. I'm glad we had the chance to meet.Copy !req
255. Because apparently I'm no longer
a murder suspect, thanks to you.Copy !req
256. I don't want to seem ungrateful,Copy !req
257. but just out of curiosity,Copy !req
258. how much does it cost to buy off
a homicide detective these days?Copy !req
259. Thanks again.Copy !req
260. Hey, Delfino. One more thing.Copy !req
261. Now this file was misplaced.Copy !req
262. Understand?Copy !req
263. If even a whisper of this
gets traced back to me,Copy !req
264. there will be one less
cop-killer on the street.Copy !req
265. And for God's sakes,
don't get any blood on the file.Copy !req
266. Ma'am, I'm sorry, but your credit card
has been declined.Copy !req
267. What?Copy !req
268. No, that's impossible.
It's a new card.Copy !req
269. I just went shopping with it.
Try it again.Copy !req
270. Ma'am, I ran it three times
and then I called the bank.Copy !req
271. May I try another card?Copy !req
272. Of course you may.
Will you just give me a moment?Copy !req
273. - Hello?
- It's me.Copy !req
274. I tried to call.
You turned your cell off.Copy !req
275. I'm in a lovely restaurant having
a lovely meal that I can't pay for.Copy !req
276. - Did you order already?
- I ate already.Copy !req
277. The credit card company
called my mom.Copy !req
278. They said there was
unusual activity on my card.Copy !req
279. - I bought shoes.
- I didn't know that.Copy !req
280. My mom started asking
all these questionsCopy !req
281. so I blurted out it was stolen
and she canceled it.Copy !req
282. Why call your parents?
It's your account.Copy !req
283. They co-sign for it.Copy !req
284. - If you explain to the waiter...
- What?Copy !req
285. My card was canceled
by my lover's mommy?Copy !req
286. What other options do you have?
Return the shoes and get the money back?Copy !req
287. Return the shoes?Copy !req
288. I can't talk to you
when you're being hysterical.Copy !req
289. So, Ma'am, what would you like to do
about the bill?Copy !req
290. Afternoon, I've got a package
for your neighbor, Karen McCluskey.Copy !req
291. - Mind signing?
- Isn't she home?Copy !req
292. No one answered.Copy !req
293. All right.Copy !req
294. OK.Copy !req
295. Thank you.Copy !req
296. So let me get this straight.Copy !req
297. You play tennis, you know wine,Copy !req
298. and you speak Mandarin.Copy !req
299. Does every other man in the world
want you dead?Copy !req
300. I'm not that impressive.Copy !req
301. I pulled a grey hair
out of my chest this morning.Copy !req
302. I don't know,
I'd watch your back.Copy !req
303. You know, I've really enjoyed
talking to you.Copy !req
304. You...Copy !req
305. Well, you've made my day.Copy !req
306. I was thinking,
if you'd like to get together again...Copy !req
307. Well, Sam, to tell you the truth,
I'm kind of in a relationship right now.Copy !req
308. - I just wanted to be honest.
- That's perfectly OK, Tina.Copy !req
309. By the way, this is on me.Copy !req
310. - No, you shouldn't.
- Please.Copy !req
311. It's my pleasure.Copy !req
312. - This is gonna be a disaster.
- It'll be fine.Copy !req
313. Andrew. Honey, hurry up,
dinner's ready.Copy !req
314. It's like we're setting a trap for him.Copy !req
315. It's for his own good. You'll see.Copy !req
316. Smells good. What are we having?Copy !req
317. I'm making home-made bratwurst
with sweet and sour cabbage.Copy !req
318. It's a recipe I found
in an old German cookbook.Copy !req
319. I'll get the door.
Honey, why don't you pour the wine?Copy !req
320. - Isn't Danielle at Wendy's?
- I believe she is.Copy !req
321. Well, then, why did Mom
set the table for four places?Copy !req
322. I asked, who's coming for dinner?Copy !req
323. Andrew, you remember
Reverend Sikes, don't you?Copy !req
324. Come on.Copy !req
325. Reverend, why don't you have a seat
and I will get some refreshments.Copy !req
326. So, Andrew.
It's been a long time.Copy !req
327. Yes, it has.Copy !req
328. Would you like some water?
Flat or bubbly?Copy !req
329. Bubbly, please.Copy !req
330. So.Copy !req
331. Your mother tells meCopy !req
332. you've started having
some sexual desires for other boys.Copy !req
333. I don't suppose
I could get some of that?Copy !req
334. No. I'm gonna need every drop.Copy !req
335. And over the years, we've had so many
young people come to our ministryCopy !req
336. hating themselves
for their unnatural desires.Copy !req
337. In a few months, they've found
an inner peace and tranquilityCopy !req
338. that is nothing short of miraculous.Copy !req
339. All it takes is a little faith
and a desire to change.Copy !req
340. I'm sorry, but I really don't want
to talk about my sex life.Copy !req
341. Well, that's too bad,
this needs to be discussed.Copy !req
342. Bree, please, let the boy speak.Copy !req
343. Go on.Copy !req
344. Well, I appreciate your offer to help,
I do. But I don't hate myself.Copy !req
345. So, I'm good.Copy !req
346. Son, I know what it's like to be
a teenager. It's a very confusing time.Copy !req
347. I'm not confused.Copy !req
348. I know exactly who I am.Copy !req
349. Well, if you ever do want to talk,
my door is always open.Copy !req
350. Reverend, I don't mean to criticize
but it sounds like you're giving up.Copy !req
351. We can't force him
on a path of righteousness.Copy !req
352. He himself has got to
want to make the journey.Copy !req
353. What do we do? Just stand by
while he starts dating boys?Copy !req
354. And by the way, the correct word
is not "gay", it's "sodomy".Copy !req
355. - We're in the middle of dinner.
- So?Copy !req
356. Can you wait till dessert
to call our son a sodomite?Copy !req
357. How you can be so casual
is beyond me.Copy !req
358. I knew this dinner was a bad idea
the moment you suggested it.Copy !req
359. - At least I'm trying to be proactive.
- Please, no need to get upset.Copy !req
360. I'm upset because there's a problem
no one seems to notice but me.Copy !req
361. As far as I'm concerned,
if Andrew is happy with who he is,Copy !req
362. it is our job to support him.Copy !req
363. - Your father is into S&M.
- Bree!Copy !req
364. He makes me beat him
with a riding crop. I let him.Copy !req
365. No wonder you're perverted.
Look who your parents are.Copy !req
366. Excuse me.Copy !req
367. What a fun night.Copy !req
368. You know, we should probably
do this again sometime.Copy !req
369. Hey.Copy !req
370. Hey, good news.Copy !req
371. I know why you've been
so furious at me.Copy !req
372. - I haven't been furious at you.
- Yes, you have. And I don't blame you.Copy !req
373. Men have been coming onto me
left and right.Copy !req
374. And I've been having so much fun
and just enjoying life.Copy !req
375. And what do I do?
I throw it right in your face.Copy !req
376. - I'd hate me too.
- Mom, I don't hate you.Copy !req
377. Well, be that as it may,Copy !req
378. from here on out,
I'm including you in all the fun.Copy !req
379. - The fun.
- Your mother's come through.Copy !req
380. What have you done?Copy !req
381. You and I are going
on a double date tonight.Copy !req
382. - What?
- Tim has a friend from the factory.Copy !req
383. I thought the four of us could hang out,
have drinks, hors d'oeuvres...Copy !req
384. - Forget it.
- Susie.Copy !req
385. Mom, I'm sorry, I'm just not
in the mood to hang out these days.Copy !req
386. Susie, sweetie, please.
I can't cancel now.Copy !req
387. Of course you can. Just call them up
and tell them not to come over.Copy !req
388. - Tim.
- Hi, Suz. This is my buddy, Lamont.Copy !req
389. I brought peppermint schnapps.Copy !req
390. I'm sure she's fine.Copy !req
391. She never leaves her mail
sitting out there.Copy !req
392. How many times
has she thrown ours awayCopy !req
393. because we didn't pick it up
the second it came?Copy !req
394. That would be five.Copy !req
395. I don't know,
I think something's happened to her.Copy !req
396. OK, so go check on her.Copy !req
397. But if I'm wrong, I'm sucked into a
two-hour conversation about bunions.Copy !req
398. - Don't go check.
- Six months from now,Copy !req
399. when they find her corpse
at the bottom of the stairs,Copy !req
400. what do I tell the kids?
"Yeah, I let Mrs. McCluskey die."Copy !req
401. Why would they care?Copy !req
402. Like they'll miss the dry-cleaning
coupons she hands out on Halloween.Copy !req
403. - Tom.
- Listen, honey, what can I say?Copy !req
404. You're damned if you do
and damned if you don't.Copy !req
405. I don't know. Good luck with that.Copy !req
406. Honey, I'm hating you
a little bit right now.Copy !req
407. Hi, honey. Look at my new shoes.Copy !req
408. - Yeah.
- Aren't they gorgeous?Copy !req
409. Honey, I'm trying to watch the game.Copy !req
410. Sorry.Copy !req
411. How'd you buy new shoes?Copy !req
412. Talk later,
you're watching the game.Copy !req
413. No, I wanna talk about it now.Copy !req
414. - You have no money, what's the story?
- You've heard it before.Copy !req
415. Girl meets boy, boy buys girl things,
girl leaves happy.Copy !req
416. What did you do?Copy !req
417. I forgot how generous men could be.Copy !req
418. I also forgot I have options.
A whole bunch of 'em.Copy !req
419. - What are you talking about?
- I don't need your credit cards.Copy !req
420. I don't need your money.Copy !req
421. But if our marriage is going to work,
I need your respect.Copy !req
422. - I'm not ripping up the post-nup.
- Yes, you are.Copy !req
423. Because if you don't, I'm gonna put on
my new shoes and walk out the door.Copy !req
424. - Are you threatening me?
- No, I'm just pointing something out.Copy !req
425. I'm a pretty girl.
And pretty girls are never lonely.Copy !req
426. Stop. I'm really ticklish.Copy !req
427. So children's books, right?Copy !req
428. That tickles.Copy !req
429. I hope you know how lucky you are. Not
everyone gets to realize their bliss.Copy !req
430. Yeah, it can be rewarding.Copy !req
431. Why don't you join me?Copy !req
432. No.Copy !req
433. I'm really ticklish.Copy !req
434. - Come on.
- What's wrong?Copy !req
435. For God's sakes, she's ticklish.
How many times do you have to be told?Copy !req
436. This is so much fun.
Let's find another CD.Copy !req
437. Mother, don't you think
it's getting a little late?Copy !req
438. Come on.Copy !req
439. You haven't even
finished your schnapps.Copy !req
440. The perfect capper
to the perfect evening.Copy !req
441. So, goodnight. It's been lovely.Copy !req
442. Lamont, good luck
with all your inventions.Copy !req
443. Well, it's only 11.30.Copy !req
444. I wanna hit the clubs.Copy !req
445. I know a great place
just off the interstate.Copy !req
446. - Warm up the old war wagon.
- Mom, hold it.Copy !req
447. You are not getting into the car alone
with those two. You barely know them.Copy !req
448. I have great instincts about people,
you know that.Copy !req
449. - You've been married four times.
- Yes, but twice to the same guy.Copy !req
450. - Mother...
- Susie, please, you're embarrassing me.Copy !req
451. - I'm embarrassing you?
- Yes. And I've had it.Copy !req
452. All night long, I've been trying
to get you to stop being so crabby.Copy !req
453. And you refuse to let me help.Copy !req
454. And your idea of helping
is letting Tim just grope you?Copy !req
455. Hey, you shouldn't talk to your mother
like that, she's a fine lady.Copy !req
456. - Tim, could you just stay out of it?
- Yeah, mind your own business.Copy !req
457. - What's your problem, pal?
- Dude, you were feelin' up her mother.Copy !req
458. It pissed me off, too.
C'mon, Susie, let's go back inside.Copy !req
459. Let's go back inside? Lamont,
give it up. You're not getting any.Copy !req
460. Why are you being this way?
I'm just trying to lighten things up.Copy !req
461. Stop acting like
tonight was about helping me.Copy !req
462. You wanted to go out and have fun
and Lamont there needed a date.Copy !req
463. - That's not true.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
464. OK, fine. It's true.Copy !req
465. I wanted to get out and have fun.
Why shouldn't I?Copy !req
466. You know how depressed I've been
over my break-up with Morty.Copy !req
467. Yeah, I do.Copy !req
468. That's what makes me crazy,
the difference between us.Copy !req
469. You can be heartbroken
and you can just move on.Copy !req
470. And I am just broken.Copy !req
471. - I know you're sad.
- No, Mom, I'm not sad.Copy !req
472. And I'm not crabby.Copy !req
473. I'm devastated. And you keep acting
like all I need is a couple of aspirin.Copy !req
474. Morty was just one guy
in a series of guys for you.Copy !req
475. And Mike, he was the one.Copy !req
476. Why don't you get that?Copy !req
477. It's Lynette.Copy !req
478. Hello?Copy !req
479. Mrs. McCluskey?Copy !req
480. Mrs. McCluskey, are you all right?Copy !req
481. How did you get in here?Copy !req
482. Mr. Mullins had a spare.Copy !req
483. - Why didn't you open the door?
- I was hoping you'd go away.Copy !req
484. - Have you been taking your medication?
- I don't need to.Copy !req
485. - Sometimes the pain goes by itself.Copy !req
486. Is that why you didn't open the door,
because of your hands?Copy !req
487. Mrs. McCluskey, do you have
anyone that could help you out?Copy !req
488. A relative? A friend?Copy !req
489. I'm fine.Copy !req
490. OK.Copy !req
491. OK.Copy !req
492. Before you go...Copy !req
493. Open these, would you,
and put out the pills?Copy !req
494. - Yeah.
- Don't get your hands all over them.Copy !req
495. God knows what your kids pick up.
Last thing I need's a case of pink eye.Copy !req
496. You're a piece of work, you know that?Copy !req
497. This is crazy,
why do they give you child-proof caps?Copy !req
498. First thing tomorrow, I'll take you
to the pharmacy and get new bottles.Copy !req
499. Don't do me any favors.
You don't even like me.Copy !req
500. I don't want you to feel obligated.Copy !req
501. Let me tell you something.
Half of life is obligations.Copy !req
502. You don't wanna go to your husband's
company party but you do.Copy !req
503. You don't wanna sell candy so your kid's
band can buy piccolos, but you do.Copy !req
504. You attend your third cousin's wedding,
pick up the dry-cleaning.Copy !req
505. That's life, it's obligations.Copy !req
506. And you are now my obligation.Copy !req
507. So tomorrow morning,
we go to the pharmacy.Copy !req
508. Gee, I'm touched
by your outpouring of compassion.Copy !req
509. We don't have to be friends.Copy !req
510. But we're two human beings,
living on the same piece of earth.Copy !req
511. We can at least try and
help each other out once in a while.Copy !req
512. And you know what?Copy !req
513. I am going to take this.Copy !req
514. Fine.Copy !req
515. - I'll see you tomorrow morning.
- Pick me up at nine.Copy !req
516. And don't be late.Copy !req
517. Andrew, come here,
I want you to see this.Copy !req
518. What are you looking at?Copy !req
519. I'm looking at your baby pictures.Copy !req
520. Look at that one.Copy !req
521. - How old was I there?
- Just four weeks old.Copy !req
522. I never told you this, but when
I gave birth to you there were...Copy !req
523. complications.Copy !req
524. The umbilical cord wrapped around
your neck and you stopped breathing.Copy !req
525. The room got very quiet.Copy !req
526. And I knew you were in trouble.Copy !req
527. So I turned to the doctor
and I very calmly saidCopy !req
528. that he was not to worry about me,
that his job was to save your life.Copy !req
529. When I say I would die for you,
that's not an expression.Copy !req
530. I mean it.Copy !req
531. Yeah, well,
I'm gonna go eat my sandwich.Copy !req
532. Andrew, please,
just go and talk to Reverend Sikes.Copy !req
533. - For God's sakes.
- He can counsel you.Copy !req
534. - It can help.
- Mom, I don't need any help.Copy !req
535. All right? I'm fine.
Why do you keep going on about this?Copy !req
536. Because if you don't change who you are
then you won't go to heaven.Copy !req
537. You don't think I'll go to heaven?Copy !req
538. No, I don't.Copy !req
539. And I need you there.
I would be so lonely without you.Copy !req
540. Well, I guess I'd better
go talk to Reverend Sikes.Copy !req
541. Andrew.Copy !req
542. Thank you so much. You don't know
how much that means to me.Copy !req
543. My gosh.Copy !req
544. Are you OK?Copy !req
545. Yeah, I just fell down
the stairs. I'm fine.Copy !req
546. - What's up?
- Susan still loves you.Copy !req
547. Wow, OK.Copy !req
548. This is not a good time
for this conversation.Copy !req
549. She just misses you so much.Copy !req
550. I just found out that
someone I was very close to is dead.Copy !req
551. I've got to figure out what to do,Copy !req
552. so I just don't have time
to think about Susan right now.Copy !req
553. She's just very, very unhappy
and if you could just...Copy !req
554. I really don't.Copy !req
555. I'm sorry.Copy !req
556. I swear before Almighty God I won't
reveal a word that's said here today.Copy !req
557. Now, what's on your mind?Copy !req
558. Well, here's the thing.
I lied to my parents.Copy !req
559. - I'm not gay.
- You're not.Copy !req
560. Not really.Copy !req
561. All I know is, I wanted
to get the hell out of that camp.Copy !req
562. So, I lied to my parents.Copy !req
563. I told them I was really worried that
I was having feelings for other guys.Copy !req
564. They did exactly
what I wanted them to.Copy !req
565. - They're such tools.
- I'm sorry, just so I'm clear.Copy !req
566. Are you a heterosexual or aren't you?Copy !req
567. Look, I love vanilla ice cream, OK?Copy !req
568. But, every now and then, I'm probably
gonna be in the mood for chocolate.Copy !req
569. You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
570. I do. But God would prefer
you stick to the vanilla.Copy !req
571. I don't believe in God.Copy !req
572. - You don't?
- No.Copy !req
573. Sorry.Copy !req
574. Your mother's gonna be devastated.Copy !req
575. She's been praying so hard
for you to change.Copy !req
576. Well, that's the good news.Copy !req
577. I am gonna change. Big time.Copy !req
578. I'm not sure I follow.Copy !req
579. You know what my mom
said to me last night?Copy !req
580. She said she doesn't think
I'm going to heaven.Copy !req
581. Can you believe that?Copy !req
582. I'm sure she didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.Copy !req
583. But the only way you can know paradise
is by repenting your sins.Copy !req
584. When she said that to me,Copy !req
585. it suddenly hit me
how I was gonna get back at her.Copy !req
586. From now on,
I'm going to be so good.Copy !req
587. I'm gonna eat my vegetables,
I'm gonna get good grades,Copy !req
588. say "Yes, ma'am"
and "No, ma'am."Copy !req
589. I'm gonna make her believe
that God has delivered her...Copy !req
590. this little miracle.Copy !req
591. Until one day,
when she least expects it...Copy !req
592. I'm gonna do something so awful,
it is going to rock her world.Copy !req
593. I mean, it is really
going to destroy her.Copy !req
594. And when that day comes,Copy !req
595. trust me,Copy !req
596. I'll know paradise.Copy !req
597. Yes, life is a journey,Copy !req
598. one that is much better traveled
with a companion by our side.Copy !req
599. Of course, that companion
can be just about anyone.Copy !req
600. Mrs. McCluskey.Copy !req
601. We're gonna be late for the doctor.Copy !req
602. A neighbor
on the other side of the street...Copy !req
603. I'm coming, Jeez! Hold your water.Copy !req
604. There you go. No more post-nup.Copy !req
605. or the man
on the other side of the bed.Copy !req
606. The companion can be
a mother with good intentions...Copy !req
607. - Thank you for a wonderful service.
- Thank you so much, Bree.Copy !req
608. or a child who's up to no good.Copy !req
609. Very inspirational.Copy !req
610. Still, despite our best intentions,Copy !req
611. some of us will lose
our companions along the way.Copy !req
612. And then the journey
becomes unbearable.Copy !req
613. You see, human beings
are designed for many things.Copy !req
614. But loneliness isn't one of them.Copy !req