Desperate Housewives 1x15

1. Previously on Desperate Housewives...

2. John, you're a toy. You and me, no future.

3. Once some things are said...

4. Remember what it's like to work a 60-hour week?

5. you can't take them back.

6. No one cares as much about finding Deirdre as I do.

7. - You shot yourself? - Pretty lame, huh?

8. - The damage is already done. - Mom.

9. - You're not taking her away from me. - Get out.

10. I needed you to see something. They stole it from Mike's garage.

11. Is that blood?

12. Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values.

13. Things like respect for God,

14. the importance of family,

15. and love of country.

16. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values,

17. it was always a shock whenever she was confronted

18. with those who didn't.

19. - It's not mine. - You promised the cheating had stopped.

20. Could we not yell at each other? I'm feeling lousy today.

21. - I want you out of the house. - Bree, look at me. It's not mine.

22. It didn't just magically appear in my laundry basket.

23. I'm not the only guy in this house that uses that hamper.

24. - No. - Sorry.

25. - Andrew's still a child. - He's 16. It's not unheard of.

26. - Honey, talk to him. - And tell him what?

27. That we found his condom and that he is forbidden from... You know.

28. I can tell him we think he's too young, but it won't do any good.

29. We can search his room and if we find any more, we'll confiscate them.

30. - That will accomplish what? - If we take away his condoms...

31. He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis, he'd still try to have sex.

32. Well, we can't put it back in his room.

33. That would be like we're condoning pre-marital sex.

34. Bree, let me put this another way.

35. Do you want to become a grandmother?

36. Yes, Bree believed in old-fashioned values.

37. But she also believed

38. it was better to be safe than sorry.

39. Each new morning in suburbia brings with it...

40. a new set of lies. Little white lies, told not to hurt...

41. Morning, Mrs. Petchul, you look lovely today.

42. but to make life more pleasant.

43. They tell these lies to protect themselves

44. and their reputations.

45. Oh, for God's sake, this is unbelievable.

46. This is the last time I do my banking online.

47. Of course, every now and then,

48. the day arrives when someone finally decides to tell the truth.

49. He was shot? How could you not tell us about this?

50. He was embarrassed. He said it was an accident.

51. Don't look at me like that. Accidents happen.

52. We know you want to trust Mike,

53. but he had a dead woman's jewelry in his garage.

54. Now did he? We don't know that for sure.

55. All we know is that Lynette's kids turned up with it.

56. Are you saying the twins murdered Martha?

57. Well, I wouldn't put it past them.

58. That is about as likely as Mike having done it.

59. He's a good guy. I know him. I mean, he's Mike.

60. I don't think Mike did it either,

61. but if we don't call, we're guilty of withholding evidence.

62. If he is innocent, this should be a simple matter to clear up.

63. But we will do whatever you want us to do.

64. OK, call.

65. - Shall I just dial 911? - It's not really an emergency.

66. - There was a murder. - Well, not recently.

67. Will you just call?

68. My Mom will be home any minute. She'll freak if she sees you.

69. I just wanted to deliver this personally. I'm having a party.

70. You know she doesn't want us to see each other.

71. Well, you gotta come. You're the reason I'm doing this.

72. I'll try to talk to my Mom, OK? But you really gotta go.

73. - Hey, Mrs. Solis. - I'm sorry. Do I know you?

74. Yeah, I'm Justin, John's roommate.

75. I've been waiting forever for you.

76. - Really? Why? - I want to do you a favor.

77. What kind of favor?

78. John says that you can't afford a gardener right now,

79. and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free.

80. You want to mow my lawn for free?

81. Mow your lawn. Water your flowers. Trim your bushes.

82. I could do everything John did for you.

83. That's very generous of you, but I don't think so.

84. Why?

85. Because my husband is home quite a lot these days.

86. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it.

87. This is a beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention.

88. I'm flattered, but no, thank you.

89. Mrs. Solis, please.

90. Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest.

91. He has a lot of anger toward the government right now,

92. and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on.

93. Hey, guys. This isn't a hockey rink. Can you take it outside?

94. Hi, honey. How was your day?

95. I didn't get the VP gig.

96. Oh, Tom, I am so sorry.

97. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm Peterson's "go-to guy".

98. How does Tim Duggan, the biggest blowhard in the office,

99. get promoted to vice president over me?

100. I thought you liked Tim Duggan?

101. I do. I just... I don't know, I just, I really wanted that promotion.

102. Hey, boys, take the Stanley Cup finals outside.

103. Did you tell Mr. Peterson that you wanted the job?

104. I have worked there for 8½ years.

105. Duggan's been there two. I am not gonna beg.

106. I'm not saying to beg. You just have to step up from time to time.

107. See your opportunity and take it. Nobody respects a shrinking violet.

108. There is more than one leadership style. Mine is quiet but effective.

109. Take that racket outside.

110. Whatever works for you.

111. Susan.

112. Hey, sexy. Where you been? I called you twice. You avoiding me?

113. Why would I do that? No, I've been really busy grocery shopping.

114. For two days? You must be pretty well stocked.

115. How about dinner tonight?

116. Dinner tonight?

117. You OK?

118. Can you hold these a sec?

119. Up against the car.

120. You have the right to remain silent.

121. Anything you do say can be used against you in a court of law.

122. You have the right to consult an attorney...

123. So get this. Zach Young's throwing a pool party Saturday night.

124. He sent out formal invitations complete with fancy lettering.

125. I thought he'd spritz them with aftershave.

126. - What is wrong with nice invitations? - Mom, it's a pool party.

127. He could've just passed out flyers.

128. He's genetically incapable of being cool.

129. So, are you going?

130. Maybe. I mean, Lisa and Justin and some of the guys thought it'd be fun to swim.

131. We can always bail if it's lame.

132. Is Lisa your friend with the pierced navel?

133. Yeah.

134. You've been spending a lot of time together lately.

135. I guess.

136. Andrew, I'm gonna want you home by 11 on Saturday.

137. 11? Mom, it's not even a school night.

138. Bree, a curfew isn't gonna do any good.

139. You may be able to abdicate all your parental responsibility,

140. but I cannot.

141. What's going on here?

142. Is this to do with the condom you left in my room?

143. As a matter of fact, it is. And just so we're clear,

144. if you get Lisa pregnant, you will marry her.

145. Andrew, this is not funny.

146. Mom, trust me. This is very funny.

147. Mostly because the condom wasn't mine.

148. You suck, you know that?

149. So obviously we need to talk.

150. I'm still a virgin, if you want to know.

151. Well, good. But why on earth would you need a condom?

152. I'm planning on having sex and don't want to get pregnant.

153. You are president of the Abstinence Club.

154. I wasn't planning on running for a second term.

155. Who were you planning on having sex with?

156. - John. - I thought you broke up with him.

157. No. He broke up with me because I wouldn't do it.

158. If that's the type he is, good riddance.

159. Mom, every boy at my school is that type.

160. And besides, it's different with John.

161. I love him.

162. Sweetheart, just because you give a boy sex

163. doesn't mean you'll get love in return.

164. So maybe I'm being stupid. What's the big deal? It's just sex.

165. I am looking out for your happiness.

166. I understand what it's like to be young and feel urges.

167. But I waited until I got married. As did your father.

168. And it was so much better.

169. But Daddy ended up cheating on you.

170. Yes. Well...

171. Now he's moved back, you're miserable.

172. - Why would you say that? - The walls are paper thin.

173. I hear more stuff than I probably should.

174. Look, Mom, I love you a lot,

175. but you're the last person to give anyone advice about sex and happiness.

176. You seen these? Five more Past Due notices.

177. - I'm handling it. - How are you handling it?

178. Can I finish my sandwich?

179. Have you seen our account? We're broke.

180. We have the mortgage payment coming up...

181. Gaby, it's gonna be OK.

182. No, it's not. We are screwed.

183. I am freaking out that you're not freaking out.

184. - Things will turn around. - When?

185. I don't know when. But we're lucky people. And we'll be lucky again.

186. - What is that? - It's the lawn mower.

187. We got a new gardener today.

188. It won't cost us a cent. The kid's a friend of John's.

189. - Carlos... - He said he'd do the lawn for free.

190. Can you believe it? We are lucky people.

191. - Hey, Duggan. You're up, baby. - You got it.

192. - Yeah, Duggan. - Let's go, man.

193. Hey, guys, good to see you again.

194. Don't look so glum. You'll get a hit.

195. It's not that. This is my "hating Tim Duggan" look.

196. - Duggan connects. - There.

197. Look at that job-stealing bastard run.

198. Duggan is showing some of that glory-hounding,

199. ass-kissing hustle that he is so well-known for.

200. I forgot how much fun you are when you're bitter.

201. He's stretching for extra bases. like he stretched for extra territory,

202. screwing over unsung utility player, Tom Scavo.

203. Down goes Duggan. Duggan goes down. That's gotta hurt.

204. The glory-hound is tagged out,

205. and he's gonna have to deal with tough dirt stains.

206. Tom...

207. No, I'm sure he's just grandstanding.

208. Oh, my God.

209. Holy crap.

210. - It's only a pool party. - I said no.

211. Are you gonna keep a boy-free zone around me until I'm 18?

212. You can see boys, in a couple years, just not that boy.

213. Why do you hate Zach?

214. I don't hate Zach. I just think he's sort of crazy.

215. People call you "sort of crazy".

216. I'm adorable crazy. And he's rampage crazy.

217. - Susan Mayer? - Yeah?

218. I'm Detective Copeland, investigating the murder of Martha Huber.

219. I need to talk to you about Mike Delfino.

220. Do you remember seeing Mr. Delfino on the 7th of last month?

221. Is the 7th important?

222. We believe it was the night that Martha Huber was murdered.

223. She was seen at the grocery store at nine.

224. She didn't show for a dentist appointment the next morning.

225. - What day was that? - It was a Sunday.

226. Oh, my God. Yes.

227. I was with Mike that night.

228. - You're sure? - Yes.

229. It was a big night, relationship-wise. It was the first time that we...

230. - The first time you...? - Did it. The first time they did it.

231. - Julie. - It was.

232. - How did you know? - I'm not clueless.

233. - Men's boxers in the clothes hamper. - Don't write that down.

234. This is good. You can let Mike go.

235. Assuming everything you're telling me is true.

236. It's true.

237. The next morning she made pancakes in the shape of little hearts.

238. Seriously, little hearts.

239. God. Justin. What are you doing up here?

240. I finished the hedges. Is there anything else Mr. Solis wants done?

241. He's not here. He had a meeting with his lawyer.

242. So that means we're all alone.

243. No. I'm all alone. You're leaving.

244. I'm not in a hurry.

245. - We could hang out for a while. - I don't think so.

246. Come on. If you just got to know me, you'd see I can be lots of fun.

247. All my friends say so.

248. I'm not one of your friends. Get out of my bedroom.

249. Come on, Mrs. Solis. Be nice.

250. - You shouldn't have done that. - Do you know how easy it would be

251. for me to tell my husband what you tried to do?

252. Not as easy as it'd be for me to tell him about you and John.

253. I'm sorry, Mrs. Solis,

254. but you're gonna have to be nice to me,

255. at least once.

256. Mike.

257. Mike. Are you OK?

258. Yeah. I'm a little bit embarrassed.

259. - Must be the talk of the neighborhood. - No. Not really.

260. So guess what? I'm your alibi.

261. I told the police we were together the night Mrs. Huber was killed

262. and that I could never forget that night.

263. - You don't think I killed Mrs. Huber? - No, of course not.

264. I could never think you killed anybody, even if I wasn't your alibi. Which I am.

265. OK. I'm gonna go take a shower. Jail's kinda gross.

266. - I'll call you later. OK? - Sure. When?

267. Later. I just got some stuff I gotta take care of. OK?

268. - Mrs. Van De Kamp. - Hello, John.

269. I'm sorry to drop by unannounced. Do you have a moment?

270. Sure.

271. So what can I do for you?

272. Well, my daughter is planning on giving you her virginity

273. and I would consider it a favor if you wouldn't take it.

274. - Hey. - Hey. So what's the word on Tim?

275. He came through the triple bypass with flying colors.

276. Thank God.

277. It's not all coming up roses.

278. He's not gonna be able to come back to work for four-and-a-half months.

279. What?

280. Company still needs to expand,

281. so they need a fit, heart-smart guy like me to step up, take the ball.

282. - You're going after his promotion? - No.

283. I already got it. You should have seen me.

284. I walked straight into Peterson's office

285. and told him he would be a fool to hold Duggan's promotion.

286. - You called your boss a fool? - I did.

287. That was risky in retrospect. But still he gave me the job.

288. - Oh, my God. That's great. - Honey, it's me.

289. - I got the whole west coast. - Oh, my... What?

290. I thought you were going after an in-house position.

291. No. I'm setting up new offices from Seattle to LA. I told you that.

292. No.

293. No, you didn't.

294. OK. Well, so it's gonna be a little bit more travel, but...

295. Tom, you're barely here half the time as it is.

296. Now you're gonna have, what, twice the workload?

297. Honey, please don't ruin this.

298. You should have consulted with me.

299. I did. You told me to stop being a shrinking violet.

300. I thought this was an in-house position.

301. OK, I'm gonna go shower.

302. Look, wait. I know what this means to you.

303. No, you don't. I am 41 years old.

304. If I don't make vice president now, it's never gonna happen.

305. This is my career. It's important to me.

306. So was mine. But I'm here, aren't I?

307. I'm gonna take the job.

308. She said you broke up with her because she refused to have sex.

309. OK, here's the deal. I said that. But it was just an excuse.

310. I mean, the truth is, I wasn't that into her.

311. Really?

312. She was always so proud of never having done it,

313. I figured, "Hey, this is my way out."

314. Well, she feels very passionately about you.

315. Don't get me wrong. She's nice. But the truth is, there's someone else.

316. Are you going steady?

317. Not exactly. We were seeing each other pretty regularly,

318. but this other lady... girl, she sort of dumped me.

319. I see.

320. Look, I'll talk to Danielle, and don't worry, I'll let her down gently.

321. Actually, I would prefer if you didn't.

322. I know my daughter. She's very determined.

323. Unless you're really firm with her, she'll think there's hope.

324. OK. I'll be firm.

325. Better still, be brutal.

326. - Decided to indulge your sweet tooth? - I'll be dead inside a year.

327. I've got bigger things to worry about than my waistline.

328. So, who's the woman they think you killed?

329. Martha Huber. Local busybody. I thought her murder was random.

330. Nothing random about her jewelry ending up in your garage.

331. Did you kill her?

332. No. Whoever set me up did a good job. The cops are all over me.

333. - You're getting close to something. - If I am close, I don't see it.

334. People leave trails. One of those trails will lead to Deirdre.

335. Whoever set you up must know that.

336. Maybe, but I won't be much good to you locked up.

337. I'm rich, Mike. One of the best things about being rich

338. is the security of knowing you can buy your way out of any problem.

339. I'm not taking my money to the grave. I'm gonna use it to save your ass.

340. - Mrs. Solis? - Hello, Justin.

341. - What are you doing here? - I am here to talk to your roommate.

342. John? I didn't think you guys talked any more.

343. Well, now we have something to talk about. You.

344. - Me? - Yes.

345. How you're trying to blackmail me into sleeping with you.

346. - I wonder how he'll react. - Mrs. Solis...

347. You think he'll get violent?

348. - You can't talk to John about that. - I can.

349. And I will, you little worthless piece of crap.

350. Listen, Mrs. Solis, I'm sorry.

351. - I didn't want to blackmail you. - Then why did you?

352. I really needed to sleep with you.

353. - Why? - Because...

354. I think I might be gay.

355. Daddy.

356. How about that?

357. - What's up? - The boys knew you wouldn't be home

358. till after bedtime, and so we decided to pop in and visit the new VP.

359. Check it out. I finally got an office with a window.

360. Yeah. It's all about the window.

361. Hey, guys. Hey, who wants chair rides?

362. - Me. - Out this way. Here we go.

363. Here we go, guys. Ready?

364. Hold on.

365. Checking out the new executive digs?

366. You know it.

367. - Can I tell you a little secret? - Sure.

368. Dan wanted to hold the promotion over for Tim Duggan.

369. And I'm the one that convinced him to give it to Tom.

370. Really?

371. Tom is such a workhorse and he wanted it so badly.

372. Yeah, he certainly did.

373. What is wrong? Aren't you happy about this promotion?

374. Lynette realized it was best to lie to the boss' wife...

375. Well, it's great.

376. Obviously. Thank you.

377. provided she wasn't too convincing.

378. Of course, I mean,

379. I will miss him being gone all the time.

380. He'll be bringing in more money, but he is gonna miss the birthdays,

381. baseball games, first steps. But that's the trade-off. Right?

382. I just hope one day Tom doesn't look back and regret being gone so much.

383. I better get out there before they break something.

384. - Of course. I will see you soon. - OK.

385. So, have you been acting on these feelings?

386. I got a buddy. We get together. Mess around. But it's no big deal.

387. It's just lately, I've been starting to care about him

388. and I don't know how to handle it.

389. And I thought if I sleep with somebody like you,

390. I'll know for sure and I can stop freaking out about this.

391. But why me? You're a good-looking kid. Why not test drive someone your own age?

392. Girls talk. If I start something with somebody and it doesn't work out,

393. everybody at school will find out.

394. And I figured I can trust you, 'cause you have a husband and all.

395. Well, I guess that makes sense in a weird sort of way.

396. You know, my buddy and I have been messing around for quite a while,

397. and this whole time I kept telling myself

398. that it didn't really mean anything, you know?

399. Guess I've been kidding myself, huh?

400. We're all in denial about something.

401. But you're finally facing the truth, and I think that's sort of brave.

402. - Thanks. - I should probably go.

403. Just so you know, I never would have told Mr. Solis about you and John.

404. I may be gay but I'm not a jerk.

405. Did you feel anything?

406. Not really.

407. You're definitely gay.

408. - Hi. - Hi. I'm sorry to bother you at night,

409. but I was hoping that you could come to the station to answer more questions.

410. Now? Well, I'm sorry, my daughter and I were gonna go see a movie tonight.

411. Mom? We can do it another night. I'll be fine.

412. - Let me get my purse. - Great.

413. - Are you sure? - Yeah.

414. I won't be late.

415. You said that Mike came to your house around 10pm on the night of the seventh.

416. - Should I talk into the camera or... - No. Just talk to me.

417. OK. Yes. He came over around ten o'clock.

418. Do you know of any tension between Mike and Martha Huber?

419. No.

420. Were you aware Mike was shot recently?

421. Yes, on Valentine's Day.

422. - Do you know how that came about? - He dropped his gun, cleaning it.

423. Ms Mayer, I've been around guns for years.

424. I've never seen one discharge when it hits the ground.

425. - Someone has to pull the trigger. - I wouldn't know about that.

426. Were you aware there was a home invasion on Pine Avenue

427. - the day before Valentine's? - No.

428. The intruder was shot in the stomach. Where was Mike's wound?

429. The stomach.

430. Do you love him?

431. What?

432. What does that have to do with... ?

433. Sometimes people do stupid things when they're in love.

434. I should know. I've been married four times.

435. Tell me the truth. He wasn't with you that night.

436. - He asked you to lie for him. - No, he didn't.

437. He was with me. And Mike wouldn't kill anybody. I'm sure of that.

438. Mike Delfino: convicted 1987.

439. Did five-and-a-half years for drug trafficking and manslaughter.

440. You want a coffee? I'm gonna go for a coffee.

441. Is she covering for her guy?

442. No. She's just a sucker.

443. I guess no one's in the pool yet. Are you gonna swim?

444. Please, I just spent an hour blowing out my hair.

445. Good luck, man.

446. I'll see you later. OK?

447. Hey, I got a surprise for you. You wanna go somewhere and talk?

448. Yeah. We should talk.

449. - Hi. You made it. - Andrew's here. Didn't think he'd come.

450. Yeah, he brought his friends. They're acting like jerks. Alert the media.

451. I don't care. You're here now. This is gonna be great.

452. Come on, man. Let's go.

453. - Danielle. - Don't touch me.

454. Hope you can swim.

455. - Could you take it easy? - It's cool.

456. Look, he floats.

457. All right? Relax. It's a party. You're the main party animal, right?

458. Am I right?

459. I guess.

460. All right. Well, then act like it. Come on, give me a howl.

461. Come on. You're the host. Revel in it. Gimme a howl.

462. There you go.

463. - You OK? - What do I care? He's nothing.

464. I could take care of him if I wanted to.

465. How do you mean?

466. I know where my mom kept her gun.

467. - That's not funny, Zach. - If you think about it, yeah, it is.

468. Julie.

469. Hey. Danielle, are you OK?

470. I just want to go home. Can we go?

471. Sure.

472. Julie.

473. I'm taking Danielle home.

474. - Are you coming back? - I don't think so.

475. So, how was the PTA meeting?

476. Long.

477. So, Peterson called me into his office today.

478. Really?

479. Yeah. He changed his mind.

480. He's gonna hold that promotion for Duggan.

481. Yeah. It's fine.

482. I'm glad, really. I didn't want to work those long hours.

483. And you know how I hate flying. It does horrible things to my back.

484. With all that extra stress, I would have ended up like Tim Duggan

485. ten years from now. So...

486. Yeah. Of course.

487. So it's over.

488. You'll make VP one of these days.

489. It's OK. Honest.

490. I am really glad that it worked out this way.

491. Oh, God. You scared me.

492. How'd it go?

493. It went just peachy.

494. And humiliating and shocking.

495. - Susan... - How could you?

496. God, "Susan, do you trust me?" "Of course I do."

497. I'm such an idiot. And you're such a liar.

498. And apparently a killer and a drug dealer.

499. That's quite a personal ad you've got going.

500. - I came to Wisteria Lane... - Stop, Mike.

501. Just stop.

502. If you keep talking,

503. you're gonna work your way into my heart,

504. and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart.

505. Ever.

506. Julie?

507. Mommy needs a hug.

508. Is Julie in there? Julie Mayer?

509. I don't know. It's pretty dead in there.

510. Julie Alexandra Mayer.

511. Julie. Zach, this is ridiculous. You can't hold your breath for ever.

512. You might as well stay under there and never come up for air,

513. 'cause when you do, I'm gonna choke the living daylights out of you.

514. Is my daughter under there?

515. - I'm not gay. - OK. I'm sorry.

516. I'll just... I'm just gonna leave those right there.

517. I'm fine. It's good. You just, you know...

518. Did you see... ? No. Goodbye.

519. Sell the house? Are you crazy?

520. We can't afford to live here.

521. If the Justice Department unfreezes the bank accounts...

522. Then what?

523. We have tons of legal bills. And even with our savings, we're screwed.

524. - It's our house. - I love this place too. It's just...

525. It's time for us to face the music.

526. I never thought I'd be poor at this stage of my life.

527. You know, Carlos, I've been broke a lot of times in my life.

528. But I've never been poor. Because poor is just a state of mind.

529. And right now, you and I are just...

530. Without funds?

531. Exactly.

532. I guess we could get an apartment, start over.

533. Who knows? It might even be fun.

534. And once we're back on our feet, we'll get a house as big as this one.

535. Bigger.

536. I get my wife this dog for her birthday. Stray from the pound.

537. She loves it. So I'm a genius.

538. Then I find out it's got this weird blood disease.

539. Now I'm laying out $600 a month for doggie medicine. Am I a genius?

540. Don't be cynical. You did something nice. You made your wife happy.

541. Now, let's talk about what's gonna make you happy.

542. Yes, each new day in suburbia

543. brings with it a new set of lies.

544. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep.

545. We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy.

546. Or, that he's happy.

547. That we can change.

548. Or that he will change his mind.

549. We persuade ourselves we can live with our sins

550. or that we can live without him.

551. Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves,

552. in the desperate, desperate hope, that come morning,

553. it will all be true.