Desperate Housewives 1x12

1. Previously on Desperate Housewives...

2. - These are nice people. - My money says one of 'em isn't.

3. - How creepy is Mrs. Huber's sister? - Promises were made.

4. I'm going to find out exactly what happened to her.

5. - Marriages came undone. - We are starting a family.

6. We're not negotiating my uterus.

7. - Would you go out to dinner with me? - Like a date?

8. - A date? - And the truth...

9. - You burned her house down. - ... was denied.

10. I absolutely did not do that thing you accused me of.

11. Martha Huber waited her whole life for something to happen to her,

12. something exciting.

13. As a child she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates.

14. As a teenager she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout.

15. As a young woman she fantasized

16. a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet.

17. But the years had flown by and still nothing exciting

18. had ever happened to Martha Huber.

19. Until the night she was murdered.

20. Hello, Mrs. Huber. Let me give you a hand.

21. - That's really not necessary. - I insist.

22. In those last moments it occurred to her, in addition to being boring,

23. life could also be very cruel.

24. Luckily for Mrs. Huber, death was far more merciful.

25. What do you think?

26. That's our missing woman all right.

27. Didn't take the media long to get wind of this.

28. Make sure no one contaminates my crime scene.

29. Hey, little lady. A lot of people are looking for you. You know that?

30. Your face is gonna be on the front page of every paper in this state.

31. How's that for exciting?

32. Officer Jackson couldn't be sure, but for a brief moment,

33. he thought he saw the corpse of Martha Huber smile.

34. Death had come once again to Wisteria Lane.

35. I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

36. We found your sister's body.

37. Word of the tragedy would soon spread throughout the neighborhood.

38. But for now people went about their lives as they always did,

39. blissfully unaware.

40. - Hello? Anybody home? - In the kitchen.

41. Good news. I finished my book.

42. So I thought to celebrate you could take me out to lunch.

43. - Susan. - Can we do a rain check?

44. We're looking at the plans for her house.

45. My insurance company's cutting my check.

46. There's only one plumber I want.

47. Don't expect to see this guy for a few months. I'm gonna be riding him hard.

48. Well, if anybody can go the distance, he can. I should know.

49. See ya.

50. Mike.

51. Mike, we're on the clock.

52. Hey, Felicia. What's up?

53. Edie?

54. They found Martha.

55. Here, blow. Good. All right, come on.

56. This is gonna be fun. Follow me.

57. Excuse me? You can't do that.

58. I'm here for the 10.00am yoga meditation class.

59. Unfortunately, the daycare center's full.

60. Yeah, I noticed that, but every time I come here it's full.

61. It's a popular class, and the other moms come early.

62. Look, all I can tell you is plan ahead next time.

63. Lauren, I'm a mother of four. Today I had to get up at five,

64. make lunches, make breakfast, drop the twins at school

65. and get across town lugging a baby and a sick child.

66. Telling me to plan ahead is like telling me to sprout wings.

67. And things like being told to plan ahead make me so crazy

68. that yoga is the only thing to relax me.

69. Except I show up here and I can't get in, and you tell me to plan ahead.

70. It's a vicious cycle. See how that works?

71. If I broke the rules for you, I'd have to break 'em for the other moms.

72. The moms who followed the rules would get pissed.

73. I'd have to get pissy right back and I don't have time to read my magazine.

74. See how that works?

75. I hope some day you have lots of children.

76. Hello? Hey, Susan. I can't talk. I'm in the middle of something here...

77. What?

78. - I had a wonderful time today. - Thank you. I did too.

79. - I'm sorry I can't invite you in. - I get it.

80. Rex still lives in the house. It would be awkward.

81. And I would rather cut off my hand than hurt his feelings.

82. It'll be a lot easier once he gets well enough to move out.

83. So do you want to have lunch tomorrow?

84. I'd love to.

85. - Pick me up at one. - I'll see you then.

86. Packages.

87. Thank you.

88. Hello?

89. Hi, Lynette.

90. What?

91. Hi, honey. Welcome home.

92. Thanks, guys.

93. Take it easy.

94. Come on, honey. Let's celebrate.

95. Sorry it's the cheap stuff. I had to economize.

96. Now you're back we can restock the wine cellar.

97. - Let's toast. - It's very good to be back.

98. What's that?

99. It transmits to this, my electronic monitoring device.

100. - Didn't the lawyer tell you? - Tell me what?

101. I'm on house arrest. It's a condition of my bail.

102. - No, he neglected to tell me that. - Yeah.

103. If I move more than 100 feet from that telephone, an alarm sounds.

104. If I keep going, it transmits a signal to the FBI and I'm back in jail.

105. - But how are you gonna work? - I can't. I can't do anything.

106. No, that's unreasonable. What do they expect us to do for money?

107. The lawyer's working on unfreezing the accounts, and in the meantime,

108. haven't you been modeling?

109. Carlos, this is not like New York

110. where I made thousands of dollars a day modeling haute couture.

111. I'm doing boat shows. I spend eight hours a day doing this.

112. Well, I'd buy two boats from you.

113. Come on.

114. Where's my toast?

115. Welcome home.

116. Hello? Hi, Bree.

117. What?

118. If you find anything of your sister's that might shed light on her death,

119. letters or a date book,

120. please call me immediately.

121. I believe she did keep a diary or something. I'll look around for it.

122. Look at them all. Vultures.

123. Pretending to care, when all they want are the sordid details.

124. I don't know. I think they just wanna show their support.

125. Please. Human beings feed on misery.

126. Well, we might as well give the people what they want.

127. Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here

128. and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief.

129. My sister Martha would've been touched. I know many of you have questions.

130. The police are still putting together the details of what happened.

131. What they do know is Martha died a violent death.

132. Yes, I know, it's hard to hear.

133. Apparently there was a struggle.

134. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones

135. and traces of dirt in her lungs,

136. which leads us to believe she was still alive at the time of her burial

137. and probably in great pain.

138. But the good news is there are no signs that she had been molested.

139. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes,

140. to your loved ones.

141. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service,

142. I'll be holding an estate sale day after tomorrow.

143. Please, no personal checks.

144. By the next morning, everyone on Wisteria Lane

145. was aware of Martha Huber's demise, with no exceptions.

146. OK, boys. You see this gum?

147. If you promise to be quiet while I am playing cards, it's all yours.

148. - Deal? - Yeah.

149. That's what I like to hear.

150. What are the odds? First Mary Alice and then Mrs. Huber? It's shocking.

151. This is different. Someone was murdered on our street.

152. I talked to her right before she disappeared.

153. - What did you talk about? - She yelled about my garbage cans.

154. I'm gonna miss her.

155. - Edie. - Hi.

156. - Hi. Come on in. - You're all here.

157. Yeah. Tuesday is poker day.

158. Really? You know, I love poker.

159. OK, then.

160. Well, here's the deal.

161. Since the ice queen isn't doing anything to memorialize her sister,

162. I have decided to carry Martha's ashes

163. up to Torch Lake and scatter them myself.

164. - It's where her husband proposed. - That's so sweet.

165. I know. So I thought that some of the neighbors could caravan up there

166. and we'd have a little ceremony.

167. I've printed out maps if anyone needs one, and the dress is semi-formal.

168. I'd love to go, but I just got back into modeling, just for fun.

169. I have a gig tomorrow. I can't leave 'em hanging.

170. - I would have arranged a sitter. - I have to take Rex to his angiogram.

171. Well, Mayer, what's your excuse?

172. I'm just, you know, busy. Stuff.

173. Well, your friends are much better liars.

174. OK. Mommy's friends are gone now and you can...

175. Well, yeah, I know it hurts.

176. That's what you get when you let your brothers put bubble gum in your hair:

177. pain and misery.

178. - Are you mad at me? - Yes, I am mad at you.

179. And I'm also cranky, like you get when you haven't taken a nap.

180. Mommies are the same way. We need our downtime.

181. If we don't get it... Sorry.

182. we end up saying and doing things which we don't normally do.

183. And that's frustrating 'cause I do want to be the best mommy I can be.

184. I think you're the best mommy in the world.

185. Well, that's sweet of you, but it's not exactly true.

186. I was so afraid when I suggested a picnic that you'd make fun of me,

187. but it's such a lovely, old-fashioned way to spend an afternoon.

188. Well, as it happens, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy.

189. And we got so lucky with the weather. It's just absolutely...

190. Your lunch hour's almost up. We should get you back to the pharmacy.

191. Wait. I've had such a good time these last few days.

192. - I just wanna show my appreciation. - I hope it's not another orchid.

193. - They're so expensive. - Relax. This didn't cost me a dime.

194. George, you shouldn't have.

195. This is a nine-millimeter Luger PO8.

196. When you said you were in the NRA, I wanted to give it to you.

197. I can't accept this. It's too valuable.

198. It's OK. My grandpa left it to me.

199. It was surrendered to him by a soldier during World War II.

200. - Since I don't know how to shoot... - It's so lovely. Look at that handle.

201. - Mother-of-pearl? - Only the officers' models had that.

202. - Do you really like it? - Absolutely.

203. George, this is just so much better than an orchid.

204. Hi. I'm Susan Mayer. I thought you might need a hand.

205. No, thanks.

206. I'm sorry for what happened.

207. It must be really hard not knowing who did it or why.

208. - You must feel helpless. - A bit.

209. I'm hoping her journals will provide some insight.

210. - Journals? - Yes. Martha kept them for years.

211. So she must have written a lot of things in them?

212. Every mundane detail of her life.

213. And everyone else's, for that matter.

214. The police want to see them,

215. but I'm stalling them till I have a chance to read through them myself.

216. Wouldn't want any embarrassing family secrets getting out.

217. That's smart. That's good. That's good to hear.

218. - I am so screwed. - Mom, calm down.

219. Everything about the fire and measuring cup is gonna be in that journal.

220. Everyone'll think I'm an arsonist.

221. It may not be as bad as it looks.

222. There's a chance she didn't write about it?

223. Please. It's great dirt. I even put it in my journal.

224. You're gonna have to convince Mrs. Britt it was an accident.

225. If she doesn't press charges, the police'll let it go.

226. Are you high? Edie hates me.

227. That's why you're going to grovel at her feet and beg forgiveness.

228. That's right. You're gonna have to suck up to Edie Britt.

229. Hey, Mike. As you can probably see by now, I took back my money

230. and what little information you managed to dig up on your neighbors.

231. Your replacement's gonna need it. Pack up and move on with your life.

232. Sorry for the mess.

233. We're here. Ten minutes early.

234. - Sign me up. - You just missed the rush. Sorry.

235. No, I planned ahead. We're ten minutes early.

236. - Oh, my God. - What?

237. When you said you had a sick child, I had no idea.

238. How long's it been?

239. Just kinda snuck up on us.

240. And he's so young, too. God, it just breaks my heart.

241. - No, see, here's the thing... - You go ahead into class.

242. I'll find room for your kids.

243. I gotta say, I envy you.

244. In the name of God, why?

245. Well, you get to build your dream house, for free.

246. In a weird way your house burning down was really a good thing.

247. There is nothing good about it.

248. I can't replace the memories, the photographs, the...

249. Is there something you want?

250. OK, here's the deal, Edie.

251. What? Spit it out already. I'm busy.

252. I just wanted to see how you were holding up.

253. You know, with Mrs. Huber and everything.

254. My best friend was murdered and stuffed into a garbage bag,

255. and nobody cares enough to

256. go with me to spread her ashes.

257. I'll go with you, Edie.

258. Thank God. I'm starving.

259. Well, dig in. I am way too tired to eat.

260. I'm sorry.

261. So did you get to go by the hospital, visit Mama?

262. I worked ten hours today.

263. I'll go tomorrow. She doesn't know when I'm there.

264. She's gonna wake up soon. I know it.

265. And you know what'd make her happy?

266. If you say a grandchild, so help me.

267. - Gabrielle, please. - You promised. No babies.

268. - Things change. - Yeah, I know.

269. The Feds towed away my Maserati, my husband is a felon,

270. and I spend my days getting groped by fat tractor salesmen at trade shows.

271. - I am well aware things change. - A baby is solid, a constant.

272. Who's gonna change diapers when you're pumping iron in a federal prison?

273. I like my lifestyle and I don't want you to kill it.

274. Well, look around. It's already dead.

275. Now there's nothing you can control.

276. Maybe. But having a baby? That I can control. You, I can control.

277. You can't talk to me like that. I'm the man of this house.

278. Really? The man of the house?

279. Don't walk away from me.

280. My food. Gabrielle, come back here right now.

281. I wouldn't go too much farther. You're gonna end up back in prison.

282. Dammit, Gabrielle. Get inside now.

283. - I waited all day for that. - It's perfect.

284. Crispy and burnt on the outside, but nice and steamy on the inside.

285. You're the man of the house? You can't even leave it.

286. I love this. It's like an adventure. I've never fired a gun before.

287. The memory of this night will stay with you for ever.

288. - Really? - Oh, yeah.

289. You always remember your first time. I hope I brought enough bullets.

290. You know, Bree, I can't tell you what these last few days have meant to me.

291. Finally getting out of the house and trying new things.

292. - Well, we sure have had some fun. - It's more than that.

293. I forget what it's like to be lonely.

294. Oh, George, that's so sweet.

295. Now, come on. Let's go shoot something.

296. Before I fire a handgun, I go over the basics to make sure I'm ready.

297. OK? So, number one. Strong stance.

298. Two. High hand grasp.

299. Three. Hard grip.

300. Four. Front sight.

301. Five. Release the safety,

302. and then squeeze the trigger slowly.

303. - What's a high hand grasp? - Here, take the gun.

304. When you're firing a semiautomatic,

305. you want the web of your hand up against the edge of the backstrap.

306. - What perfume are you wearing? - I'm not wearing perfume.

307. Are you sure? Because you smell amazing.

308. Oh. I was making macaroons before I left the house.

309. Now, I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove,

310. firmly enough that it can't fly away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.

311. - Got it? - I think so.

312. Now all you have to do is take a deep breath and squeeze the trigger...

313. George.

314. My God.

315. Sorry.

316. I'm so sorry you lost your toe.

317. The doctor said it's the middle one, so your balance shouldn't be affected.

318. This really won't change your life one little bit.

319. Please say something.

320. I've always dreamed that before I died

321. I would get to kiss a truly beautiful woman.

322. I finally get the chance and I end up blowing off a toe.

323. I'm not surprised. This type of thing always happens to me.

324. I know I'll get over it.

325. But the thing that I don't think I'll ever get over

326. is that when I did kiss you, you pulled away from me.

327. - Why did you do that, Bree? - I was just caught off-guard.

328. But we're dating. Why would it be so surprising I would try to kiss you?

329. I'm still married to Rex. We're not even legally separated yet.

330. He cheated on you. You said you were gonna hate him for ever.

331. You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken.

332. We tend to lie.

333. I think we're a little late. Hi. Sorry.

334. Lynette knew serious illness was not a matter to be treated lightly.

335. - What are you doing? - Picking up my sick little baby boy.

336. All right, here. There. OK.

337. But making her yoga class was a matter of life and death.

338. Sorry. Excuse me.

339. Hey, Lauren. Hi. We had a really rough morning.

340. Don't give it another thought.

341. I bet you were a cheerleader in high school.

342. My junior year. How'd you know?

343. Girls like you were always cheerleaders.

344. Clear skin, honor roll, popular.

345. In high school I was the girl that hung with the freaks

346. on the loading dock and smoked.

347. - Everyone hated us. - Well, you know high school.

348. - Thank God we leave that behind. - See, I don't think we do.

349. I'm still the outsider that doesn't get invited to the cool parties,

350. and you're still the perky cheerleader

351. who thinks that she can pull the wool over everyone's eyes.

352. What?

353. You came on this trip, paid for the gas,

354. and you're changing this flat when you know I have Auto Club.

355. You want something from me.

356. I just know Mrs. Huber's death's been hard on you. I want to help.

357. - That's a lie. - Why would you think I was lying?

358. Because we're still in high school. The old rules apply.

359. The cool kids only talk to the freaks when they need something.

360. You're not getting back in my car until you tell me what it is that you want.

361. Look, I...

362. I just haven't always treated you well and I wanna make amends.

363. I still think you're full of crap, but we don't have time to debate this.

364. I would have talked to you in high school.

365. Of all the lies you've told, that's the worst.

366. Single malt?

367. - Have a seat. Take a load off. - I want it all back.

368. My maps, pictures, my gun.

369. - And the money. - My money, you mean?

370. You'll never get somebody who cares about finding Deirdre like I do.

371. Why? Because you loved her so much? You abandoned her, remember?

372. You saved yourself, found a nice, safe wife and you left my daughter to rot.

373. So forgive me if I question your level of commitment.

374. I need to do this. Why are you fighting me?

375. You haven't been moving fast enough, and I'm running out of time.

376. - What do you mean? - It seems I have a tumor.

377. Apparently it's pressing on my brain.

378. I'm gonna die,

379. and I'd like to know what happened to my daughter before I do.

380. That was the best class ever.

381. - I just feel terrific. Thank you. - Lynette, this is my friend Callie.

382. - She wanted to meet Parker. - Really? Why?

383. I'm a survivor. Breast cancer. About six years ago.

384. Can I hug your son?

385. Sure.

386. I know exactly what you're going through.

387. But you're gonna be brave, OK?

388. And you are gonna survive this because you are a tough little soldier.

389. Mommy, am I dying?

390. No. You're not dying. People just think that because I shaved your head.

391. - You shaved his head? - My brothers put gum in my hair.

392. Sorry. Excuse me.

393. And just like that, Lynette realized the road to enlightenment

394. and spiritual well-being was now closed to her.

395. Well, what a surprise.

396. See, I've been doing a lot of thinking since we talked at the hospital, and...

397. - And? - Bree, I don't care what we call it.

398. We can call it dating. We can call it hanging out.

399. I just want to be with you. See, I really need our friendship back.

400. - I don't think that would be wise. - Why not?

401. Wouldn't you keep hoping that in time I would feel the same way about you?

402. Maybe.

403. Oh, George.

404. I wish you wouldn't say "Oh, George" like that,

405. like I'm pathetic for even thinking you could love me.

406. I don't think you're pathetic. It's just that I can't.

407. Aw, jeez.

408. George, please don't go. Why can't we talk this over?

409. Don't.

410. - Oh, my God. Oh, George, here... - Get away from me.

411. - Lean on me. - I don't need you.

412. I don't need anybody.

413. You know, honey, tonight's the last night of the boat show.

414. We can spend some time together before the home and garden thing.

415. Carlos?

416. I'm going to jail, and you're not gonna be here when I get back.

417. - What? - It's true, and I won't blame you.

418. Don't talk like that. Everything's gonna be fine.

419. We're gonna sort this mess out and you're gonna be back on top.

420. They could find me guilty. I could go to prison for five years.

421. We'd have to sell the house. You'd have to keep working.

422. If that happens, can you promise you won't ever leave?

423. I promise.

424. I gotta go.

425. This is far enough.

426. Do you need help with the container?

427. No, I got it open. I'm good.

428. So what are you waiting for?

429. I just need a moment, OK?

430. Of course. Take your time.

431. Are you OK?

432. No, I'm just so grateful.

433. I know. Mrs. Huber was a good friend to you.

434. I'm not talking about Martha.

435. - I'm grateful to you. - Me?

436. Yeah, I've been such a bitch to you over the years,

437. and here you are rowing me out to dump her ashes.

438. Well, it's really no big deal.

439. Yes, it is. You stepped up when nobody else would,

440. and here I am thinking you have an ulterior motive.

441. Susan, you're such a good person.

442. And I'm such a bitch.

443. Edie, you're not that bad, and, believe me, I'm not that good.

444. - Yes, you are. - Please don't do this.

445. And Martha may be gone,

446. but the good Lord above has shown me that I'm not alone.

447. I am so grateful that I still have a true friend.

448. Thank you, Susan.

449. Edie, I burned your house down.

450. I was scared you were sleeping with Mike and so I let myself in.

451. I accidentally knocked a candle over and the whole... just...

452. I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

453. Row me back now.

454. I'm sorry about before, shoving you. I didn't mean...

455. I'm not gonna break.

456. I'm sorry, too.

457. Questioning your commitment, your guts.

458. - I know better than that. - Yeah, you should.

459. I keep this with me all the time to remind me why I'm there.

460. If it turns out someone hurt her, I want them dead.

461. We need to be sure before we do anything.

462. When you're sure, I know I can trust you to take care of it.

463. After all, you already killed for her once.

464. Yeah, is this the pharmacy?

465. My wife asked me to call. She lost her prescription.

466. Gabrielle Solis. Yeah, the birth-control pills.

467. Great, great. She'll be very relieved. Can she get enough for a couple months?

468. That's right. Better safe than sorry.

469. Thanks a lot. Oh, do you guys deliver?

470. Edie, please talk to me.

471. I've been thinking about this for the last 90 miles

472. and you don't have to forgive me.

473. You can go to the police, kick me, you can burn my house down.

474. You just have to know that I am so racked with guilt,

475. I don't think it's possible for me to suffer any more than I am already.

476. Boy, I'd like to put that theory to the test.

477. Well, whatever you want to do, Edie.

478. Just know that I'm sorry.

479. I'm not going to the police.

480. - You're not? - No.

481. The insurance company will investigate and it'll delay my check.

482. - Thank you. - But...

483. there is something I want you to do for me.

484. Of course. Anything. You name it. What?

485. I want to be invited to your poker game.

486. - Our poker games? - I'm not saying I'll go.

487. And I'm not saying you and your little friends have to be nice to me,

488. but every once in a while, yeah, it would be nice to be asked.

489. We meet on Tuesdays. And it's pot-luck lunch. Everybody brings something.

490. - I'm not bringing anything. - You don't have to.

491. Well, this is good.

492. Thank you.

493. I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off me.

494. Hold it.

495. I can't stand the thought of Martha's ashes going down some sewer drain.

496. Well, Edie, I have to clean up.

497. Well, this is such a beautiful lawn.

498. We could put her to rest right here.

499. - On my front lawn? - Why not?

500. She can spend eternity looking at her house

501. and keep an eye on the neighborhood.

502. She'd like that.

503. Stand over here. I'll hose you off.

504. I don't think so.

505. You owe me.

506. Martha, I'm gonna miss you.

507. Death is inevitable.

508. It's a promise made to each of us at birth.

509. But before that promise is kept,

510. we all hope something will happen to us.

511. Whether it's the thrill of romance,

512. the joy of raising a family,

513. I'm gonna get you.

514. or the anguish of great loss,

515. we all hope to experience something that makes our lives meaningful.

516. But the sad fact is not all lives have meaning.

517. Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines

518. waiting for something to happen to them

519. before it's too late.