Dead Like Me 2x1

1. Everybody dies. That's just the way it is.

2. I'm told I'm not supposed to argue

3. or question or even try to understand.

4. I'm told a lot these days,

5. ever since my life was snuffed out by a toilet seat,

6. and I joined the ranks of the undead.

7. You, little dead girl, are gonna be a grim reaper.

8. My name is George Lass.

9. I take souls for a living.

10. This is Rube. He's undead, too.

11. He's the one who gets the list, who's to die, when and where,

12. which he passes on to the rest of us grim reapers.

13. ETD?

14. Estimated time of death.

15. Do you guys get off dropping pianos on people?

16. It's not our job to drop the pianos or the toilet seats.

17. Whose job is it?

18. Gravelings.

19. Reapers don't get a free ride.

20. What are you doing?

21. Collecting my salary.

22. We don't get paid, like, through proper channels?

23. Hi. I'm Delores Herbig, as in...

24. "Her big brown eyes."

25. What kind of universe

26. would give me the power to extract souls from people's bodies,

27. but still force me to keep a suck-ass job if I want to eat?

28. This was my home. And this was my family.

29. They're having trouble coping.

30. Keeping a dead animal in your toy box

31. is something a crazy person would do.

32. I'm not crazy.

33. I was having trouble coping, too.

34. I don't think I'm supposed to be doing this.

35. You're learning.

36. You gotta think about all the things you like

37. and decide whether they're worth sticking around for.

38. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.

39. What if I don't?

40. Then you go away.

41. When I was alive, I never looked at the obituaries,

42. like, not even once.

43. Now I read them first, the reaper's sports pages.

44. And every time I see someone who lived

45. to even 50, it kind of annoys me.

46. Was your name ever in the paper?

47. (SIGHS) Constantly. I still have all the clippings.

48. I made the police reports a couple of times, you know.

49. "Unidentified male, slender build, seen fleeing the premises."

50. That kind of thing.

51. That doesn't count.

52. How about you, sweetie?

53. Mmm! Do tell.

54. "Teen Killed by Falling Debris from Space Station."

55. Technically, that was the day after your life.

56. My demise went unreported.

57. Drug-related deaths in the '60s were very common.

58. I've got to go wee-wee.

59. Was your death reported?

60. Oh, please. I perished in a huge fire

61. on the set of Gone with the Wind.

62. Not a word, huh?

63. Nothing. The story was buried.

64. And three days later... So were you.

65. But my picture was in the paper a whole lot before I died.

66. Why?

67. On the arm of whatever famous man I was sleeping with.

68. Mmm... Right. Not my thing.

69. You never slept with anybody?

70. No.

71. Why didn't you?

72. Well, Daisy, first of all, I was 18 years old.

73. Not a great excuse.

74. I never had a boyfriend.

75. Not really a problem.

76. I lived at home with my parents and little sister.

77. Ever heard of a car?

78. Is it just my imagination or have I become much more attractive

79. since I've laid off the booze and, you know, whatnot?

80. Your breath is better.

81. Your eyes are less puffy.

82. And you don't have as much drool around your mouth, which is nice.

83. You know, the most attractive thing about you

84. when you were drinking and whatnot

85. is that you really had no idea if you were attractive.

86. 'Cause when people know they're attractive, they're not.

87. And it's not about what's on the outside.

88. It's not about this. It's about this. It's about what's in here.

89. Then he's a very handsome man. Hmm.

90. But am I pretty?

91. Oh, you're darling. You make my heart flutter.

92. Mine, too.

93. Really? No.

94. There's souls to be taken, folks, this morning before breakfast.

95. One, two, three, four, five.

96. Why do I only get one?

97. Because three doesn't go into five evenly.

98. What does Roxy get?

99. Uh, usually eggs. Side of fruit?

100. I was thinking hash browns today.

101. Nice.

102. These are all at the farmer's market, in exactly 27 minutes.

103. I smell a disaster. (SCOFFS)

104. No, five deaths is not a disaster.

105. How many deaths is a disaster?

106. More than five. Five's bullshit.

107. How many?

108. Sixteen to 20, disaster.

109. Twenty-one and up, catastrophe. Eight to 15 is a calamity.

110. Seven and under? That's a crying shame.

111. Pick me up some heirloom tomatoes while you're out there?

112. Sure.

113. See you later. Goodbye.

114. Anything in the paper?

115. Two heart attacks and a stroke.

116. Nice.

117. Trying to find your reap is kind of like

118. a game of hide-and-go-seek,

119. except when I find you, when I put the tag on you,

120. you're out for good.

121. Ready or not, you're dead.

122. Okay, enough with the game.

123. I haven't had breakfast and Mama wants a waffle.

124. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

125. Oh, we have a winner.

126. Thanks, boys. This has been a treat.

127. Ooh!

128. Ooh! I'm done. Two of the hard hats get it.

129. Want to get a latte?

130. No, you've got to go. I've got something to do.

131. It's been two hours now, guys.

132. I still smell propane. This is killing my business.

133. I'm usually swamped by 9:00.

134. Today you're toe-up by 10:00.

135. Do you think Eliza Doolittle had to put up with this nonsense?

136. Who? Audrey Hepburn, sweetheart.

137. Yeah, and look at me, still waiting for Rex Harrison.

138. Don't hold your fucking breath.

139. You see, this is who I sell flowers to.

140. Men who need to apologize for the things they say to women.

141. He'll end up paying for it one way or other.

142. Pink lilies.

143. On the house. My first customer of the day.

144. Oh, great. She can see the guilt written all over me.

145. Mine, too.

146. I couldn't find it.

147. Jeez, you people can find Pearl Harbor in the middle of the night,

148. you can't find a gas leak.

149. I'm Chinese, cocksucker.

150. Gravelings. Fucking troublemakers.

151. Bodies everywhere.

152. And a dead flower girl in the middle.

153. It was like a really fucked up wedding.

154. She gave me a pretty flower, and what did I give her?

155. Nothing.

156. I took her soul. I don't know why

157. but I felt like I had betrayed her.

158. Or someone.

159. The last time I had seen a death like this was my own

160. and I wanted to run away as fast as I could.

161. Order up.

162. Do you know what I love best about being sober?

163. Not waking up in a pool of your own vomit?

164. Definitely that, yeah. But, no, it's the taste of food.

165. I mean, after all these years, I finally realize why you guys eat here,

166. in Der fucking Waffle Haus.

167. This is a wise move.

168. Bacchus has drowned many more men than Neptune.

169. Bacchus? What?

170. He's the Greek god of Why-Don't-You- Read-A-Fucking-Book?

171. Oh.

172. When did you die? 1960-something?

173. '66.

174. Taking every nasty-ass drug you could get

175. your nasty-ass paws on for 40 years.

176. Yeah. Oh, no, no, not everything,

177. because I was always deathly afraid of needles, and I still am.

178. They've made great strides in the design of needles.

179. They're sharper.

180. Sharper?

181. Sharper is less painful.

182. Are you going to finish those hash browns?

183. Probably not.

184. Mmm!

185. Fucking bloody hell!

186. I'm out of here.

187. Did you see that?

188. I mean, just because I wanted some of her hash browns.

189. I was there.

190. I've never seen such violence over such small potatoes.

191. Now, that was almost clever.

192. What was almost clever, Rube?

193. The thing about the hash browns being small potatoes.

194. I don't get it. Because hash browns are small potatoes.

195. Never mind.

196. Daisy. Roxy.

197. This weather kind of suits you.

198. Oh, you know, Roxy, I really don't think it does.

199. Off to work you go.

200. (SIGHS) Why do I even bother with you?

201. Because I'm one of the few fools who gets you.

202. Really? Well, what do you get?

203. When I go to the pound to pick up a dog

204. I don't take the one that wags its tail

205. and licks my face and jumps all over me.

206. I pick the one in the corner, alone, shaking.

207. Well, go on, get inside where it's warm.

208. Go, girl. Okay.

209. There you go. There you go.

210. Daisy Adair.

211. Chihuahua.

212. Hello?

213. Is anyone here?

214. Reggie?

215. You know, when someone calls your name,

216. you could say, "Hi. I'm here. What's up, Mom?" All right?

217. A simple "What is it?" would suffice.

218. What is it?

219. This is how we're gonna spend your school holiday?

220. Looks that way.

221. All right. I just saw Bridget and Annie heading down to the park.

222. Why don't you go catch up with them?

223. I don't think so.

224. Give me one good reason.

225. I don't really like getting baked before noon.

226. Baked?

227. Oh.

228. Reggie, I'm not going to...

229. I don't. I haven't. I won't.

230. Did you ever catch your sister doing stuff?

231. No. Did you?

232. No. Never.

233. I don't think your sister smoked pot. I searched constantly.

234. No, all George ever did was...

235. Pretty much what you're doing now.

236. Whatever, Mom.

237. Your father and I have another doctor's appointment.

238. Stay out of the park.

239. And I'd better not see any cherry stains on those cushions.

240. It's not a real doctor. It's a shrink.

241. Rube didn't want me lurking around my old house.

242. He didn't want me spying on my family.

243. He said that a reaper should be like a soldier in a foxhole.

244. Lay low, don't be a hero, don't take any unnecessary risks.

245. What's the point of keeping your head down

246. once it's already been blown off?

247. How'd it go this morning?

248. Oh, real fun.

249. Try to get me another one like that real soon.

250. How about a little breakfast?

251. I'll have the Johnny Vegas over easy and a small grapefruit juice.

252. You could hear the explosion all the way over here.

253. The Johnny Vegas comes with a side...

254. It was disgusting.

255. Her body was blown to pieces. Her brain was...

256. Cottage cheese. Yeah.

257. Pretty flower. Did someone betray you?

258. What?

259. Did some guy screw you over?

260. I thought we had decided that you

261. and romantic entanglements were...

262. It's not a good idea.

263. And I thought George was a virgin.

264. What? No. No. No guy.

265. And who told you that I was a virgin? Did you tell him that?

266. No. She did.

267. It's just a flower. Fuck!

268. Well, I only got flowers when somebody betrayed me.

269. Well, I didn't betray anyone.

270. She didn't say you did.

271. (EXCLAIMS DISGUSTEDLY) It tastes like ass. Try that.

272. I'm trying to stay off the arse juice for now but, you know, thank you.

273. Do you know who sent beautiful flowers? French tulips?

274. I'll just give you his initials. Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.

275. Errol Flynn, all that money, carnations.

276. I cannot sit here and listen to more

277. witless stories about star fucking.

278. You and you. Let's go.

279. Rube, sorry, but I've got to finish Roxy's breakfast.

280. Well, here. Why don't you take it to go?

281. It's a disgusting habit, eating off someone's plate.

282. If you want to be an ex-drug addict,

283. why don't you behave like one, huh?

284. Crazy fucking fuck.

285. Oh, how I wish the words would roll off my tongue as they do yours.

286. (SIGHS) Another outdoor death. My lips are getting so chapped.

287. Roxy says I look like a dog.

288. I didn't betray anyone.

289. Do I look like some kind of stray that needs to be saved?

290. I'm really pretty, don't you think?

291. Mmm-hmm.

292. I need verbal reassurance.

293. You're not a dog.

294. No, say the thing.

295. You're really pretty.

296. Say the whole thing.

297. You're the most exquisite beauty the world has ever seen.

298. I've got to go.

299. What about your breakfast?

300. I don't want it.

301. You forgot your flower.

302. I don't want it.

303. I did want it.

304. I just didn't feel like carrying around

305. the reminder of my morning death

306. the rest of my day.

307. Hi, Crystal.

308. Which is why it wasn't so bad walking into Happy Time.

309. Where the only thing ever written on a Post-it Note

310. was stuff like... (FARTING)

311. "Who farted?"

312. And "10 copies, A.S.A.P." And "Please see me."

313. Oh, Millie. Delores.

314. I've got news.

315. Bad news.

316. I have to hire my boss's nephew.

317. I'm sorry, Millie,

318. but this boy, Brennan, has had a world of trouble finding a job...

319. What, you're firing me? You're shit-canning me just like that?

320. No. Why would you think that?

321. "Bad news,"boss's nephew,"

322. seemed where you were headed.

323. I want you to train him, Millie,

324. and I don't care for the language.

325. Although I do kind of like that phrase. Shit-can. Shit-can.

326. That's the bad news? I have to train someone?

327. No, the bad news is he's dumb as a bag of hammers. (GROANS)

328. I'm starting him on reception. Just show him the phone system.

329. I'd ask Crystal but she's not a people person.

330. No more trainees, Delores. I can't take it.

331. Yeah? Hi.

332. The phone's not working.

333. Dial nine first.

334. I'm Brennan.

335. I'm training you.

336. Sweet.

337. Should I go do it now?

338. No time like the present.

339. Go. Oh, Millie? I would never shit-can you.

340. You're very special to me. Come here.

341. I can't send you out into the world

342. with schmutz all over your face.

343. Oh, go. Stop. Go.

344. You had to wonder about Delores Herbig and her big, strange heart.

345. You had to wonder about how long

346. that schmutz had been on my face.

347. Is it "schmootz" or "schmutz"?

348. So, how was your week?

349. It was good. I think we had a good week.

350. Joy?

351. Well, I find myself getting really disgusted when he eats.

352. I mean, physically sick.

353. That's nice.

354. I think the walls of his cheeks

355. have gotten too thin as he's gotten older

356. because you can hear the crunching

357. and the spit and the swallowing.

358. I swear to God, when he's eating a salad, I want to take my own life.

359. I'm standing in a grocery store the other day,

360. and I'm holding a head of iceberg lettuce

361. and I just can't even buy the fucking thing.

362. What would you like me to do, Joy?

363. Be nice if you ate in the kitchen with the dog.

364. At least he's capable of love.

365. J.D. doesn't love you. You give him meat.

366. At least one of us is getting it.

367. Okay, I think for this to work,

368. you two need to be a little less honest with each another.

369. We actually had that in our vows,

370. but we just took that out at the last minute.

371. You've been married for over 20 years.

372. Things have happened, and you know that things have happened.

373. Like when he started banging someone

374. in one of his Shakespeare classes. That kind of thing?

375. You know, Joy, if maybe you could stop

376. wisecracking for two seconds...

377. Did you hear that? "Wisecracking."

378. I'm sorry, who talks like that?

379. For a marriage to work you have to conspire with your partner

380. to not say everything.

381. You know things aren't perfect

382. and you don't hammer away at it

383. out of respect for the marriage.

384. For a marriage to work, you and your husband have to be in cahoots.

385. In cahoots?

386. Marriage is a silent conspiracy

387. between two people to not confess everything.

388. To let sleeping dogs lie.

389. I like that.

390. (CHUCKLES WRYLY) Oh, I bet you do.

391. And that's worked for your marriage?

392. I think it has.

393. My wife and I, we've been in cahoots for 10 years.

394. So does that mean she does or doesn't know that you're gay?

395. (STUTTERING) She probably knows.

396. Meter people, meter people. Let's settle down.

397. Let's settle down. All right, all right.

398. Item one.

399. Chuck's Charbroiler on Mandeville

400. is starting a lunch special today.

401. Burger, fries and soda for 59 cents.

402. Those of you working Mandeville and its environs,

403. expect a three-light back up and plenty of red-zone violations.

404. Fifty-nine cents for a burger. What's in it?

405. German Shepherd on a sesame-seed bun?

406. (ALL LAUGHING) Moving on.

407. We've received complaints from some of the citizenry

408. about inappropriate language, aggressive behavior,

409. and in one instance,

410. that a member of this corps pulled a firearm.

411. People, in a world of increasing hostility,

412. your job, as always, is to placate.

413. To meet anger with stoicism.

414. In short, no more mouthing off.

415. If you cannot do that,

416. if you cannot hold your tongue,

417. then you should seek another line of work.

418. Okay, let's roll.

419. And people, people!

420. Let's be careful out there.

421. Okay, so if you want to dial someone in the office, you...

422. (STAMMERING) I totally know this one.

423. Look at those lips.

424. (GROWLS) I just want to bite your face.

425. You dial their extension first?

426. I want to tear your skin off,

427. make pajamas out of them, and wear them to bed.

428. Excellent.

429. Should I answer it?

430. (WHISPERING) Let's give that a whirl.

431. Okay.

432. Happy Time. Millie's phone. This is Brennan.

433. Good stuff. It's for you.

434. Ask who it is. Oh.

435. Uh, who is it?

436. Daisy, Daisy Adair.

437. Hi, Daisy.

438. Yeah, Millie's training me, yeah.

439. She's awesome.

440. She's got the most beautiful eyes.

441. Uh... Um, what do I do?

442. Put Daisy, Daisy Adair, on hold.

443. Oh, okay. (PHONES RINGING)

444. You should probably ask Daisy to hold first.

445. Hello?

446. Okay, click over.

447. Click what back over? That, that... Hello?

448. Hello? Hello?

449. Okay, they'll call back.

450. Do you want to hang out tonight?

451. Yes.

452. You know I don't do kids. This is your Post-it.

453. Look, please just help me find L. Sondheim,

454. and you can go.

455. Cecil! Ugh!

456. I want to strangle him, I really do. I just want to kill him.

457. Yeah? Is your name L. Sondheim, by any chance?

458. No.

459. Come on. There'll be little cupcakes with little sprinkles on them.

460. Ten minutes.

461. Here, come on, buddy. Come on, let's go.

462. Let's go. There you go. Have a good time.

463. Cecil. Cecil!

464. Can I help you?

465. Yeah. We're, uh... We're here for, you know, the little kids' party.

466. Please tell me you're from the clown service.

467. We're from the clown service.

468. Lloyd, the clown finally showed up.

469. Okay, which one of you is the clown?

470. Oh, I think it's pretty obvious.

471. Okay, so you see the frail, indecisive looking man in the plaid shirt?

472. That's my husband. He's got your money.

473. Go, go, go. You were supposed to be in costume 20 minutes ago.

474. One minute, please.

475. I really hate clowns.

476. When I was five years old, I kicked one in the nuts.

477. That man over there wants to give you some money.

478. But if one little kid were to take a poke at me,

479. I will punch it back.

480. I swear to God, I will kick its little fucking teeth out.

481. He's not one of those angry alcoholic clowns, is he?

482. Oh, no. Actually, he just swore off booze.

483. It's strictly seltzer water the last three weeks.

484. All that seltzer water would make any clown a little angry.

485. I don't get it. There's nothing to get.

486. You cannot go out with this Brennan guy. It would never work.

487. You're a Taurus. He's a Gemini. He's Lutheran. You're dead.

488. You have to weasel your way out of this. You have to tell him, "No."

489. Oh, my God. Some slut is stealing my boyfriend.

490. Millie.

491. Come, come, come.

492. How'd you like to be in charge of another special project?

493. As in training someone else with special needs?

494. Oh, how did it go with Brennan and the phone system?

495. He went a little ADD on me

496. when I tried to show him how to use the speakerphone.

497. This afternoon we're gonna try transferring calls.

498. You seem a little distracted.

499. (GASPS) Oh, Fran! Have you no shame?

500. Please tell me you don't have a crush on that simple boy.

501. I don't. Just give me the project, Delores.

502. These are top-secret files. Shred them.

503. Got it. They sleep with the fishes.

504. You know, office romances never end well.

505. When Julio empties my trash basket

506. he can barely make eye contact.

507. Uh, that's... upsetting.

508. And that boy here...

509. (SIGHS) I know. I know.

510. Look, you are still a baby.

511. You have your whole life ahead of you to find the right person.

512. Something that'll really last.

513. I'm a virgin with a death certificate.

514. What the fuck am I waiting for?

515. The sound of my eating makes you physically sick?

516. Oh, yeah. That's right. You save your best shots for an audience.

517. You know what, Clancy? You don't have to listen to it every night.

518. You know what, Joy? You don't have to listen to it at all.

519. You don't have to listen to it ever again.

520. What does that mean?

521. What does that mean?

522. Joy? Do you want to be married to me?

523. I don't.

524. Waiting for the right boy to come along.

525. Right, Delores.

526. And although my body had been declared dead,

527. it hadn't gone cold.

528. Ah, fuck! Fuck me!

529. What happened?

530. Oh, it's nothing, it's just a cut. I'm fine.

531. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Are you okay?

532. Yeah.

533. Oh, hey.

534. I actually am feeling a little woozy.

535. Okay.

536. I'll get you some water.

537. There you go, Emily.

538. This isn't a bunny rabbit.

539. Yes, it is. Look. There are the ears.

540. What is it, really?

541. Go ask your mother.

542. I want a bunny rabbit balloon like Emily's.

543. I bet you do, sweetheart.

544. Clowns aren't supposed to talk.

545. Yes, they are. Clowns talk.

546. Don't they? It's mimes that are silent.

547. Clowns can definitely fucking talk, all right?

548. No, not true. Some clowns talk. Some make honking noises.

549. Do me a favor. Get me a piece of cake.

550. I want a bunny rabbit balloon.

551. When I see some cake.

552. You get a move on. Please don't hump me on the frosting.

553. Stupid.

554. Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?

555. Yeah.

556. Bloody hell!

557. This is my kid's party. And this, this isn't a bunny rabbit.

558. Yeah, sorry, Mr...

559. Sondheim.

560. Lloyd.

561. Look, don't you have other stuff you can do?

562. Any magic tricks?

563. Yeah, I've got one or two.

564. Well, use them.

565. This is the only sixth birthday my daughter will ever have.

566. Here, drink some more water.

567. I don't know why I liked him.

568. Maybe just because that slut Fran did.

569. But I think it had something to do with my death this morning.

570. I couldn't get that strange pink flower out of my head.

571. I felt as if something was hanging by a thread,

572. not just my finger,

573. and I had to try to hold onto it.

574. Have another sip.

575. I feel better.

576. What, are you following me, blondie?

577. Don't flatter yourself. I have a Post-it.

578. C. Sullivan? Luck of the Irish.

579. $35?

580. Greedy fucking Americans. I put a curse on you.

581. May you never walk the Earth in happiness again.

582. Sir, that voodoo shit don't play with me, c omprende?

583. Fuck you, piece of shit little meter maid.

584. May hair grow on your balls.

585. Let's go. Bring it on. Gloves off.

586. Boss man says I can't. I can't mouth off.

587. Roxy can't mouth off?

588. You're like a bird without a song. A really mean bird.

589. Roxy?

590. Why would you say I look like a dog

591. who needed to be saved from the pound?

592. (SIGHS) Don't do this to me, Daisy.

593. I'm just tired. I didn't sleep well. I had a bad dream.

594. Flying, swimming, or running from monsters,

595. it all means the same thing,

596. no Pop-Tarts after 10:00. (BOYS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

597. It was my first day on the set of Gone With The Wind...

598. And you die. I know that story.

599. No, in my dream I'm about to meet one of my idols, Vivien Leigh.

600. I've dreamt about it my whole life.

601. I was really worried, you know, what if we don't get along?

602. What if she hates me? Worse yet, what if she ignores me?

603. That'll teach them to mess with Catherine Sullivan.

604. But in my dream, it's wonderful.

605. She runs through her whole,

606. "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again,"

607. and I tell her it's a touch over the top,

608. and she says I'm right, and we just gossip

609. and giggle like long-lost sisters.

610. She took my money. She took my wallet, dude.

611. So, that's why I was a little out of it this morning.

612. It was a rough dream.

613. What is so rough about that dream?

614. It never happened. I died before I met her.

615. Shut up out there! I'll only be a minute!

616. Bloody hell.

617. I do believe that is the Chinese symbol for "aim here."

618. Wow.

619. I find that comment vile and contemptible.

620. Now say you're sorry.

621. I'm sorry, Rube.

622. I'm sorry you're 100 years old and will never get to spank that.

623. Make a funny face. No.

624. Go away.

625. Give the kid a face. It's her birthday.

626. He's funny.

627. Yes, he is.

628. Are you the clown's daddy? (SNORTS)

629. No.

630. Then why are you here?

631. I am somebody's daddy. She's just not at this party.

632. Then where is she?

633. Why don't you play with the clown, sweetheart?

634. I want you to remember how funny he was, okay?

635. Hey.

636. My day had started with a death.

637. The first sign of trouble was all those

638. bright orange pylons around the gas leak.

639. You put them up when you want to keep people at a distance.

640. There was blood everywhere.

641. That's what I needed now. Lots and lots of orange pylons.

642. How'd it go?

643. How did what go?

644. Making out with Brennan? Severing my middle finger?

645. Putting it back on without letting everyone know

646. I was a grim reaper?

647. It went well.

648. I heard you cut yourself.

649. It's nothing.

650. You just need to take better care of yourself, Millie.

651. The world is a dangerous place.

652. It's an easy place for a young girl to get hurt.

653. I'm fine.

654. I think I'm gonna pull you off Brennan.

655. Well, I was never really

656. on Brennan.

657. You're smart, you're charming, you're a very complicated young woman,

658. and I just don't like to see your talents

659. wasted on projects like Brennan.

660. What are we talking about?

661. We're talking about a promotion, you silly goose.

662. We are? Well, I think we are.

663. Two more days a week, and $200 more a week.

664. You're shitting me!

665. Your new position at Happy Time

666. will be to interview potential temps.

667. We're frittering away your talents

668. in data entry and training boys like Brennan.

669. That's a waste of your time. Do we understand each other?

670. I won't let you down.

671. I can't believe that.

672. What a joke.

673. Since I just got promoted, I just thought you two should know

674. that I take my coffee with a little milk,

675. two sugars, and a lot less of your bullshit.

676. God, I hate her.

677. What a little bitch.

678. Don't even turn to see the wreckage.

679. Can you describe the other kid?

680. What the hell?

681. The other kid was a little taller than this one,

682. slender build, baggy jeans.

683. He had on a black sweatshirt with some yin-yang bull on the back of it,

684. and then he headed north down Marine.

685. He was pretty banged up, too, probably.

686. What's your name?

687. Roxy.

688. You the one who clotheslined this kid?

689. Mmm-hmm.

690. I like your style.

691. You got the wrong job, Roxy.

692. I ain't got nothing but wrong jobs.

693. So, do you guys just, like, hate each other's guts?

694. No, your mother and I don't hate each other.

695. We love each other very much.

696. We just...

697. We just can't live together.

698. But we both love you,

699. and even though other things will change, that won't.

700. You know, Reg, it's okay to feel whatever you're feeling.

701. I mean, don't be afraid to have feelings.

702. What are your feelings, sweetheart?

703. I'm a little hungry.

704. So, which one of you gets, you know...

705. Well, your mother and I haven't exactly worked that out yet.

706. I know your mom wants you to...

707. Who gets J.D.?

708. Well, sweetheart, J.D. is your dog.

709. But I'm sure if you want to

710. lend him to your dad every now and then, you know,

711. I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

712. Tisha Cotter's parents got a divorce

713. and her dad got this really cheesy condo.

714. Shag carpeting and mirrors everywhere.

715. Well, I'm not gonna get a cheesy condo, Reggie.

716. Well, you have to get a backyard. For J.D.

717. We'll see, sweetie.

718. Most sorority houses do come with backyards.

719. You just can't leave it alone. You just can't help yourself.

720. Oh, that's great. I can't help myself. I can't...

721. You've been tapping little Miss Kappa Kappa Gamma's keg for a year now.

722. You know, did it ever occur to you

723. that maybe you pushed me in that direction?

724. Oh, really?

725. That's... Boy, poor you. Please enlighten me.

726. It's the same way that you drive everyone around you away.

727. You did the same thing to George.

728. You wanted her out of this house.

729. You wanted her gone and now she's gone.

730. Get out. Get out!

731. Get out of this house right now or I will scream!

732. My parents took me and my little sister to the circus every year.

733. I liked the trapeze artists the best,

734. The Flying Wallendas or whatever they were called.

735. Not the death-defying stuff,

736. the mid-air quadruple flips and near-misses.

737. I covered my eyes for that.

738. What I liked was the part at the end

739. when they bounced into the net

740. and jumped up with that big Wallenda smile.

741. The "ta-dah" part. Ta-dah. I loved that.

742. It meant "I'm safe."

743. Hi.

744. Hi.

745. I can't go out with you tonight.

746. Okay.

747. Uh, maybe some other time.

748. I don't... I don't know.

749. Oh, okay.

750. Well, that's cool, you know?

751. Just hang onto my phone number.

752. Okay.

753. Hopefully I'll see you around sometime or something.

754. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Well, we work in the same office.

755. Yeah.

756. Does it hurt?

757. Your... Your finger? The cut you...

758. Oh, no.

759. Oh, good, good. I'm glad.

760. Thank you.

761. (WHISPERS) Ta-dah.

762. That was the thing with the Wallendas,

763. why I always covered my eyes until it was over.

764. Eventually, one of them's gotta fall.

765. Daddy, it's not breaking.

766. I know, sweetheart.

767. Hey, Eddie, finish this.

768. Oh, man.

769. Try not to kill anyone.

770. Daddy, Daddy. It's still not breaking.

771. Sweetie, the pinata's going to crack open. You'll get your candy.

772. Has Daddy ever let you down before?

773. No.

774. No.

775. Sorry.

776. I'll bring it right back.

777. Knock it out.

778. Am I dead?

779. Yeah. Yeah, you're dead.

780. Who are you?

781. Me? Mason.

782. You're not the clown?

783. (CHUCKLING) No, I'm not the fucking clown.

784. What were you doing here?

785. Well, I was... I took your soul before you, you know...

786. And now I'm supposed to escort you to your lights.

787. No, what were you doing?

788. You made obscene balloon animals for my daughter.

789. You insulted all my guests,

790. and the whole time you knew I was gonna die?

791. Is this a joke?

792. This is how she'll remember her birthday?

793. Do you want to come with me? I'm gonna take you to your lights...

794. Stay away from me.

795. Stay away from my family.

796. Just... Just go.

797. Life always seemed to be about two things,

798. feeling bad and then feeling better.

799. For me, the feeling bad part came pretty easy.

800. But the feeling better part, how to make myself feel better,

801. I never got that part down.

802. These No. 2 soft always break.

803. I keep telling you to buy the No. 4s, but you don't listen.

804. What's with the sad face?

805. Some sad story. Rent's due, job sucks, cat's pregnant.

806. You haven't seen Mason lately, have you?

807. Kiffany, can I get some coffee, please?

808. Why do you drink coffee so late?

809. You don't sleep as it is.

810. Make that an espresso. Thank you.

811. Little Miss Cranky Pants.

812. Whatever oats you're sowing at this moment,

813. whatever need you feel to make some kind of a statement

814. or question my authority...

815. Is it something I did?

816. Nothing's wrong.

817. I got a promotion.

818. What kind of promotion did you get?

819. Two more big bills a week. Hunge. Huh.

820. I joined the Police Academy.

821. No, you didn't.

822. Yes, she did.

823. They want more days, these Happy Time people?

824. I think you should decline the offer.

825. Fuck that. It's done. I'm doing it.

826. Roxy, give us a moment, will you?

827. Why can't I do this? I'm doing this.

828. She's joining the fucking Police Academy.

829. Roxy is not your concern.

830. I'm just worried that you're taking on too much.

831. People love to take roses and they forget about the thorns.

832. (SIGHS) Okay, now, that's really beautiful,

833. but I'm taking the promotion.

834. Uh-uh. I wouldn't do that.

835. What did she do now?

836. Nice cross.

837. Have any trouble getting the blood off?

838. No, just soap and water.

839. I just think you should go in there tomorrow morning

840. and tell that Delores woman, "Thank you, but no."

841. I want to do this. I want more money.

842. "I want, I want."

843. Look, Peanut...

844. Don't call me that.

845. I just think all that wanting is not so good at this point,

846. and that's all I have to say about your promotion.

847. Well, as much as I've enjoyed this little pow-wow,

848. I think I'm just going to do what I'm going to do.

849. Miss, your espresso?

850. I don't want it.

851. We made it. Somebody's got to pay for it.

852. She's a cop. Don't they get everything for free?

853. I thought you were a meter maid.

854. Well, I'm a cop now.

855. Good for you, baby. Coffee's free for cops.

856. Un-fucking-real.

857. What do you mean, you're a cop?

858. I joined the Police Academy this afternoon.

859. Yeah, I don't think I care for that.

860. Hey, there, Mr. Frog.

861. How was your day?

862. Mine was fucked up.

863. My flower.

864. I thought you might want it.

865. So, who was that boy on the phone today? "Brendan."

866. Brennan.

867. Brennan.

868. Who's Brennan, who thinks you have beautiful eyes?

869. Nobody.

870. Okay, I kissed him.

871. And? "And?"

872. What was the kiss like?

873. It's not too late to call him, you know.

874. I'm not gonna call him.

875. Delores doesn't want me getting involved with anyone at Happy Time.

876. Besides, he's not my type. Not even close.

877. He's a pretty boy.

878. That's obvious.

879. Go to bed, Daisy.

880. So, Rube doesn't want you at Happy Time. That makes you unhappy.

881. Delores wants you at Happy Time

882. but just so long as you're unhappy.

883. It just sounds like a plan.

884. Life sucks, and then you die,

885. and then it still sucks.

886. What's with the cross?

887. I don't know. I like it.

888. What are you, like, Catholic now?

889. (CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah, why not?

890. Good for you.

891. You're so angry. And you're not?

892. Listen to me.

893. I died in 1938, and there's not a day that goes by

894. that I don't wonder about the things I did and the things I didn't do...

895. I know, and you were going to be a great actress,

896. and you were beautiful and talented

897. and you slept with all the men under the moon.

898. Stop making fun of me. Just shut up for once.

899. You think you know everything. Look how unhappy you are.

900. I'm sorry you were so young when you died, Georgia.

901. Good night.

902. I knew who that pink flower was for.

903. I knew who I'd betrayed.

904. My short life was like our family outings to the circus.

905. It wasn't so bad,

906. a bit with a clown, some cotton candy...

907. And just as things got interesting,

908. I covered my eyes.

909. I know what that Wallenda smile at the end was about.

910. Why they were so happy with their mid-air flips and near-misses.

911. They were happy because they were brave enough to be themselves.

912. I mean, if you're a Wallenda, you have to climb up that ladder.

913. You have to grab that trapeze bar.

914. If you're a Wallenda

915. you have to jump off,

916. eyes wide open.