Dead Like Me 1x5

1. FROM THE MOMENT WE'RE BORN,

2. WE HIT THE GROUND RUNNING.

3. PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER, AND ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

4. OF COURSE, THAT'S ALL BULLSHIT.

5. THE TRUTH IS, FROM EVOLUTION TO REVOLUTION,

6. THINGS HARDLY EVER CHANGE GRADUALLY.

7. THEY CHANGE SUDDENLY, IN GREAT LEAPS.

8. FOR THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND THIS,

9. LIFE IS A CONSTANT SEARCH FOR THE NEXT BIG JUMP.

10. FOR THE REST OF US, ALL THAT JUMPING SEEMS KIND OF STUPID.

11. ARE YOU MAD AT ME?

12. BESIDE MYSELF. FINE. GO AHEAD. GIVE IT TO ME.

13. YOU DON'T MESS WITH FATE. PEOPLE DIE WHEN THEY SHOULD

14. THERE'S NO DISCUSSION, THERE'S NO NEGOTIATION, THERE'S NO WIGGLE ROOM.

15. WHEN LIFE'S DONE, IT'S DONE.

16. I KNOW THAT.

17. YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, SHOULD KNOW THAT.

18. I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

19. WANT TO TALK?

20. I DON'T WANT TO TALK.

21. HAVE SOME FRENCH FRIES.

22. THEY'RE COLD.

23. I'VE GOT TO GO.

24. THAT'S WHEN IT OCCURRED TO ME...

25. I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

26. I JUST HAD CO-WORKERS,

27. AND I REALLY WANTED A FRIEND.

28. AS A YOUNG UNDEAD WOMAN OUT ON MY OWN IN THE WORLD,

29. WHERE WOULD I FIND THAT FRIEND?

30. MAYBE AT MY DAY JOB. MAYBE AT HAPPY TIME.

31. MAYBE DELORES WASN'T JUST MY CO-WORKER.

32. MAYBE SHE COULD BE MY FRIEND...

33. HI!

34. HOW'S THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD?

35. OR NOT.

36. I'M ALMOST FINISHED. WONDERFUL.

37. THE EMBOSSED BINDERS ARE IN A WHITE BOX BY MY DESK.

38. WE'RE GOING TO DO THE COVER PAGE LAST.

39. I'M HAVING GAYLE MAKE A FEW CHANGES.

40. DID YOU KNOW SHE'S COLOR BLIND?

41. NO.

42. THAT'S UNUSUAL FOR GIRLS.

43. REALLY? SURE.

44. MY SISTER'S COLOR BLIND

45. AND EVERYONE MADE SUCH A FUSS BECAUSE IT'S SO RARE,

46. BUT SHE'S A LITTLE MASCULINE, SO NONE OF US WERE VERY SURPRISED.

47. HAS A WISPY LITTLE MOUSTACHE.

48. SHE SOUNDS PRETTY.

49. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER, MILLIE?

50. I KNOW GEORGE HAS A SISTER—

51. HAD A SISTER—

52. BUT DOES MILLIE?

53. I DIDN'T MEAN TO STUMP YOU.

54. SO I PULLED SOMETHING OUT OF MY ASS.

55. I HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER. HIS NAME IS LUKE.

56. HE'S A JET PILOT.

57. HE BOMBED THE CRAP OUT OF BAGHDAD.

58. A JET PILOT?

59. AND IN THAT INSTANT, I INVENTED MILLIE.

60. I HAD NO IDEA.

61. NEITHER DID I.

62. OKAY, BACK TO WORK.

63. WE'LL HAVE TO SAVE THIS CONVERSATION

64. FOR A SOY LATTE ONE OF THESE MORNINGS.

65. MILLIE,

66. HAVE YOU EVER KEPT A SCRAPBOOK?

67. UH...

68. NO.

69. DO YOU ALL KNOW MILLIE?

70. HI, MILLIE. HI, MILLIE.

71. HI.

72. SHE'S JUST GETTING HER FEET WET

73. WITH THE WHOLE EXCEL SYSTEM,

74. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT CAN BE LIKE.

75. ARE YOU GOING ON THE EXCEL RETREAT?

76. I'M KEEPING MY FINGERS CROSSED.

77. AM I GOING? NO.

78. WE'VE HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE WITH ONE OF THE TUTORIAL STAFF.

79. WHAT WAS HER NAME?

80. DIANE SOMETHING? FARBER?

81. FARMER? WILSON?

82. I BLOCKED IT OUT.

83. SHE WAS A BIG "SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY," THAT'S WHAT SHE WAS.

84. GAYLE...

85. I THINK SHE WAS JUST IN AN UNHAPPY PLACE.

86. ANYWAY,

87. SO WELCOME TO OUR LITTLE SCRAPBOOK CIRCLE.

88. THE LENGTHS I GO TO FOR FREE FOOD.

89. YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE

90. AND USE ACID-FREE STICKERS,

91. ESPECIALLY ON YOUR FRIENDSHIP PAGES.

92. MM, GOOD... THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

93. THIS IS MY WORK-RELATED SCRAPBOOK.

94. MY FIRST PAY STUB...

95. AND THE SPARKLING CIDER LABEL FROM HARRY V.'S CAKE LUNCH.

96. THIS IS MY WORK-RELATED SCRAPBOOK.

97. THESE ARE BONE FRAGMENTS I FOUND IN A TELEPHONE POLE

98. NEXT TO AN EXPLODED HIGH-VOLTAGE TRANSFORMER,

99. AND THIS IS FROM THAT NUCLEAR REACTOR INCIDENT.

100. I THINK IT'S A TESTICLE.

101. I RECOMMEND NOT SKIMPING ON BORDER PAPER.

102. WOULD YOU LIKE TO START A SCRAPBOOK, MILLIE?

103. I COULD HAVE TRIED TO SEE THE THRILL

104. IN CATALOGING ARTIFACTS AND LAMINATING MEMORIES,

105. BUT THAT WOULDN'T BE ME.

106. UM, I WOULD,

107. BUT I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE HEAVY FLOW DAYS.

108. I THINK RED IS MY FAVORITE.

109. COULD BETTY BE A FRIEND?

110. YOU'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT THE WAX AND NOT THE CHEESE?

111. WELL, HALF THE FUN OF EATING THE CHEESE

112. IS TAKING THE WAX OFF THE CHEESE.

113. IT'S KIND OF LIKE TAKING OFF A MAN'S CLOTHES.

114. I WOULDN'T KNOW.

115. SO MUCH FUN.

116. YOU'RE REALLY BEAUTIFUL. YOU DO KNOW THAT.

117. DEFINITELY A FRIEND.

118. IT'S TRUE.

119. OKAY.

120. I LIKE YOUR RING.

121. I SAW IT IN THE VILLAGE IN 1927.

122. MY BOY BOUGHT IT FOR ME.

123. WOW.

124. NO GUY'S EVER BOUGHT ME ANYTHING.

125. ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?

126. ARE YOU PROSTITUTES?

127. NO.

128. THEN WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

129. YOU'VE GOT A WORLDLY QUALITY,

130. A CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI.

131. SAY WHAT?

132. YOU'RE CHUCK, RIGHT?

133. YEAH.

134. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

135. A CONVERTIBLE.

136. WE USED TO CALL THEM "BREEZERS." ISN'T THAT CUTE?

137. UH-HUH.

138. IS IT A RED CONVERTIBLE?

139. YEAH.

140. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.

141. I DON'T GET IT. WHO ARE YOU?

142. SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF HIS MIND,

143. HE CONVINCED HIMSELF WE WERE A PAIR OF BLACK WIDOWS

144. OUT TO MATE AND KILL,

145. BUT HIS TIME WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER SPENT

146. WORRYING ABOUT THE NEST OF POISONOUS SPIDERS

147. IN HIS CLOSET.

148. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

149. I FINALLY FOUND OUT WHO MILLIE IS.

150. OH, YEAH?

151. HELLO?

152. HOW COME I CAN'T GET A GLASS OF WATER?

153. BECAUSE YOU'RE HISTORY, CHUCK.

154. MILLIE HAS AN OLDER BROTHER.

155. HIS NAME IS LUKE. HE'S A JET PILOT. HE'S WAY COOL.

156. ARE YOU CLOSE WITH HIM? YEAH.

157. AT LEAST, I THINK I AM.

158. DOES HE DRIVE A BREEZER? ABSOLUTELY.

159. HE'S A JET PILOT. HE LOVES SPEED.

160. HE SOUNDS HOT.

161. WHAT KIND OF CAR DOES MILLIE DRIVE?

162. MILLIE DOESN'T HAVE ONE. SHE HITCHES.

163. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE FELL OVER IN THE STREET.

164. OH, HONEY, THAT'S YOU.

165. BETTY COULD GET EXCITED ABOUT THE LITTLEST THINGS.

166. BEING UNDEAD MADE HER MORE ALIVE

167. THAN ANY LIVING PERSON I KNOW,

168. BUT NOTHING SURPRISED HER.

169. HOW'S THE WATER?

170. CHILLY. IT WOKE ME RIGHT UP.

171. IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE'S INTERESTED IN TAKING THE LEAP.

172. TERRIBLE WHEN A MAN'S LILY-LIVERED, ISN'T IT?

173. SO UNATTRACTIVE.

174. IT'S A LITTLE HIGH.

175. BIGGER SPLASH FROM UP THERE.

176. IS THAT A FACT?

177. SAY, AREN'T YOU A FRIEND OF THE FROTTEURIST?

178. THE MAN AT THE PICNIC RUBBING HIMSELF ON PEOPLE.

179. I MADE HIS ACQUAINTANCE AT THE DESSERT TABLE.

180. I DIDN'T SEE A DESSERT TABLE.

181. WELL, THEN YOU NEED TO GET YOUR PEEPERS CHECKED,

182. BECAUSE IT'S RIGHT THERE IN PLAIN SIGHT.

183. YOUR FRIEND CUPPED MY BUTTOCKS

184. REACHING FOR A PIECE OF BLUEBERRY BUCKLE.

185. PROBABLY FIGURED THAT I DIDN'T NOTICE, BUT I DID.

186. HE CALLS THAT SOUL-POPPING.

187. WELL, CALL IT WHAT YOU LIKE. I THINK YOU SHOULD KEEP BETTER COMPANY.

188. I APOLOGIZE ON HIS BEHALF.

189. WELL, THAT'S SWEET OF YOU,

190. BUT I THINK A MAN SHOULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS.

191. COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

192. THEN I EXPECT A FORMAL APOLOGY,

193. SO GO ON.

194. MARCH YOUR FRIEND DOWN HERE FOR A WHAT'S WHAT.

195. HE'S ALREADY GONE. WELL, WHERE DID HE GO?

196. HE GOT A PROMOTION, I GUESS.

197. HE'S GOING WHEREVER HE'S GOING.

198. IF IT'S ANY COMFORT AT ALL, YOURS WAS THE LAST TUSH HE'LL GRAB.

199. WHERE YOU HEADED?

200. OH, I'M GOING AGAIN. THAT WAS A HOOT.

201. YOU LIKE FALLING, DO YOU?

202. WELL, IT'S NOT THE FALLING. IT'S THE JUMPING.

203. I'D FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER ABOUT JUMPING IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FALLING.

204. FALLING'S EASY. YOU JUST FALL.

205. JUMPING REQUIRES STRENGTH OF WILL.

206. UNLESS YOU'RE ON A PLANK.

207. THEN IT ISN'T YOUR CHOICE,

208. BUT IF IT IS,

209. IT'S THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD.

210. YOU DON'T CARE WHERE YOU LAND?

211. LANDING'S A LOT LIKE FALLING. YOU JUST LAND.

212. YOU'RE A FORCE OF NATURE.

213. YOU SHOULD REALLY TRY THE JUMPING.

214. IT'S THE GREATEST FEELING IN THE WORLD.

215. OH, NO.

216. SHE'S WEARING MY BATHING SUIT.

217. AND THAT'S HOW BETTY LEARNED

218. SOMETIMES JUMPING IS YOUR LAST FEELING IN THE WORLD.

219. I MISS CHUCK.

220. WHY DO YOU TAKE PEOPLE'S POLAROID'S

221. RIGHT BEFORE YOU POP THEIR SOULS?

222. I WAS LOOKING FOR A SIGNATURE.

223. TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM THE WHOLE CLOAK AND SICKLE THING.

224. IT'S SO UNFLATTERING.

225. I'VE GOT A WHOLE SACK OF CONVERTIBLE PEOPLE AT HOME.

226. A WHOLE SACK OF THEM?

227. I'VE GOT LOTS OF SACKS. HELPS ME KEEP TRACK.

228. REALLY?

229. MM-HMM. A PLACE FOR EVERYONE, AND EVERYONE IN THEIR PLACE.

230. WHAT SACK ARE YOU IN? OH, I'M A JUMPER.

231. NO SACK CAN HOLD ME.

232. OKAY, HAPPY THOUGHTS.

233. MY FACE GETS SORE IF I SMILE TOO MUCH.

234. DO IT ANYWAY.

235. MAYBE BETTY WAS RIGHT.

236. MAYBE THERE IS A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING.

237. MAYBE EVERYTHING IS IN ITS PLACE...

238. BUT WHAT IF YOU'VE SEEN ALL THE PLACES

239. AND EVERYTHING'S ALREADY IN ITS PLACE...

240. AND YOU STILL CAN'T SIT STILL?

241. THIS ONE IS FOR THE LITTLE HARD REUSABLE ONES

242. THAT LOOKS LIKE A NIPPLE ON A TONGUE-DEPRESSOR,

243. AND THIS ONE, FREQUENCY-WIPES THOSE ELECTRONIC JOBBIES

244. THAT THE MANUFACTURERS PUT INSIDE THE PACKAGES.

245. YOU GOING SHOPPING?

246. I AM. SHE IS.

247. WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP ANYTHING?

248. A SWEATER? MAYBE A V-NECK?

249. I'M OKAY, BUT IF YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT SCREAMS ME, GO AHEAD AND PICK IT UP.

250. YOU HEARD ABOUT THE BIG DUST CLOUD?

251. WHAT DUST CLOUD?

252. FIVE MILES WIDE. COUPLE OF MILES HIGH.

253. FLOATING OVER CHINA,

254. WIPING OUT EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH.

255. THEY SAY THE DUST IS SO THICK

256. IT'S BLOCKING OUT THE SUN IN BEIJING.

257. IT'S TAKING OFF PAINT OFF OF CARS

258. AND FLESH OFF OF COWS.

259. FLESH OFF COWS.

260. THOUSANDS OF LITTLE YELLOW PEOPLE

261. KEELING OVER IN THE STREETS.

262. LITTLE YELLOW PEOPLE?

263. YOU BEEN TALKING TO GARY?

264. YEAH.

265. WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TALKING TO GARY?

266. HE'S FULL OF SHIT.

267. NO DUST CLOUD?

268. NO DEAD YELLOW PEOPLE?

269. MAYBE NOT.

270. WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.

271. A TRIP TO THE ORIENT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE THIS TIME OF YEAR.

272. I LOVE THAT DIM SUM.

273. I'VE BEEN SHIPPED TO BALI FOUR TIMES.

274. THREE VOLCANOS, ONE TYPHOON.

275. INCREDIBLE DEVASTATION,

276. BUT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BLACK SAND BEACHES.

277. DO I EVER GET TO GO ANYWHERE?

278. MAYBE I'LL TAKE YOU TO PAMPLONA.

279. WORK THOSE EARLY MORNING BULL RUNS, HUH?

280. I COULD DO THAT, EXCEPT DO THEY HAVE, LIKE,

281. LATE MORNING OR EARLY AFTERNOON BULL RUNS?

282. WE USUALLY TAKE THE SOUL IN THE A.M.

283. REST OF THE DAY IS SANGRIA AND SUNSHINE.

284. THE DEAD ARE VERY LAID BACK IN SPAIN.

285. IT'S A NICE GIG.

286. DO WE EVER TAKE NON-WORKING VACATIONS?

287. YOU KNOW, WHERE NO ONE DIES?

288. EVERYONE THROW IN, EXCEPT YOU. YOU DIDN'T EAT.

289. HE ATE MY FRUIT,

290. AND NOT JUST THE CANTALOUPE. THE STRAWBERRIES TOO.

291. WELL, YOU DID.

292. ACTUALLY, ABOUT A DOLLAR'S WORTH.

293. YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A DOLLAR?

294. THAT'S WHY I SAID YOU ATE A WHOLE DOLLAR'S WORTH.

295. RUBE, HOW AM I MEANT TO GET ALL THE WAY OUT TO EAST BUMBLEFUCK?

296. YOU'VE GOT A BUS PASS. USE IT.

297. WELL, YOU COULD AT LEAST TELL ME THE RIGHT LINE.

298. GET A SCHEDULE. STITCH IT INTO YOUR COAT.

299. I COULD USE A RIDE HOME.

300. YOU'VE GOT TWO GOOD LEGS, PEANUT. USE THEM.

301. I'LL TAKE YOU, SWEETIE.

302. RUBE, SHE'S JUST A KID. DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE?

303. COME ON.

304. NO, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT. I'M SORRY.

305. RECORDED IN '33 OR '34.

306. I CAN'T RECALL.

307. PRACTICALLY A NATIONAL ANTHEM.

308. OH, NO MORE TEA FOR YOU.

309. THEN WHY DID YOU POUR ME A CUP?

310. I DIDN'T. I POURED ME A CUP. WHERE'S YOUR SUGAR?

311. SUGAR'S IN THE SUGAR BOWL,

312. AND THAT'S MY CUP.

313. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DRINKS OUT OF THAT CUP.

314. RINSE IT OUT AND PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT.

315. WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN USE IT ANYMORE.

316. I'VE GOT OTHER CUPS FOR GUESTS.

317. I ALSO SANG WITH LES BROWN AND HIS BAND OF RENOWN.

318. OH, YOU CAN HAVE THAT CUP.

319. I HATE THAT CAT.

320. IF I HAD A CAT LIKE THAT,

321. I'D SELL IT TO A VIETNAMESE RESTAURANT.

322. YOU KNOW LES BROWN?

323. NO.

324. LES TOLD ME I COULD DO ANYTHING ON THAT STAGE

325. AS LONG AS I WAS SINGING.

326. SUCH A KIND HEART,

327. EXCEPT WHEN HE WAS WORKING WITH RED NICKLES,

328. BUT THAT'S BECAUSE RED COULD BE A REAL COCKSUCKER,

329. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE WAS PARADING AROUND WITH HIS ASS IN THE AIR,

330. LIKE A BABOON PRESENTING.

331. I NEVER HAD TIME FOR HIM.

332. ARE THESE VALUABLE?

333. I PAINTED THOSE.

334. OH, PITY.

335. I BURIED THREE DOGS IN THOSE WOODS.

336. COYOTES DUG UP THE FIRST TWO.

337. HI.

338. HI.

339. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO GOES WHERE?

340. I LOOK AT THE PICTURE

341. AND THEN A LIGHT BULB GOES OFF IN MY STOMACH.

342. GUT REACTION? BINGO.

343. DO YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE IN WHAT SACK?

344. OF COURSE I DO. I PUT THEM THERE.

345. GOD. YOU'RE LIKE MY MOTHER.

346. MILLIE'S OR YOURS? MINE.

347. OOH, BUT MILLIE HAS A BROTHER.

348. RACE CAR DRIVER, A JET PILOT...

349. HE IS.

350. HE ALMOST WON THE INDY 500.

351. OOH.

352. DO YOU HAVE ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS?

353. UH-UH. JUST COUSINS.

354. WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER IDENTITIES,

355. OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT?

356. LIKE THERESA?

357. THERESA AND SANDY.

358. ALL MY ALTER EGOS WERE ONLY CHILDREN.

359. IT'S JUST EASIER TO REMEMBER THAT WAY.

360. YOU WERE A SANDY?

361. I LOVED BEING SANDY. SHE WAS A PISTOL.

362. HOW MANY GIRLS HAVE YOU BEEN?

363. THREE. NO, FOUR.

364. MAXINE, CANDACE, SANDY, AND THERESA.

365. EVERY FEW DECADES, YOU'VE GOT TO SHAKE THINGS UP A BIT

366. OR FOLKS WILL GET SUSPICIOUS.

367. COME ON, DON'T YOU EVER WANT TO JUST SHAKE THINGS UP?

368. I FEEL PRETTY SHAKEN UP MOST OF THE TIME ANYWAY.

369. AW.

370. LISTEN, DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL ANYBODY, OR...

371. AND SAY WHAT?

372. I COULD REPORT A STRANGE SMELL.

373. IF ANYONE CARED WHETHER OR NOT I WAS ALIVE, THEY'D COME LOOK.

374. I DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO MAKE IT EASY FOR THEM.

375. GOOD. THEN NEITHER DO I.

376. WHAT YOU COULD DO IS LEAVE THE BACK DOOR OPEN AND LET THE COYOTES EAT ME.

377. THAT'D MAKE THEM THINK.

378. I'D FEEL LIKE SHIT IF COYOTES ATE MY MOM.

379. DAMN RIGHT YOU WOULD, BECAUSE YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.

380. OH, MY GOD.

381. MY GOD, MY DAD USED TO LISTEN TO LOUIS PRIMA.

382. I WORKED WITH LOUIS.

383. IT WAS AT FRANK DELANEY'S TERRACE ROOM.

384. THAT'S IN NEWARK. YOU EVER BEEN TO NEWARK?

385. NO, CAN'T SAY I HAVE.

386. IT'S A TOILET,

387. BUT LOUIS

388. HAD SUCH A DISTINCTIVE VOICE.

389. IT WOULD RUB YOU ALL WRONG,

390. AND IT WOULD RUB YOU ALL RIGHT.

391. HE WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

392. IS THIS COLLECTIBLE?

393. I WAS RAISED ON THAT WASHING POWDER.

394. THOSE ARE THE GOLD DUST TWINS.

395. AREN'T THEY JUST THE CUTEST LITTLE JIGABOOS?

396. WEREN'T YOU QUITE THE RACIST.

397. I EVEN NAMED A COUPLE DOGS AFTER THEM.

398. THEY'RE THE ONES THE COYOTES DUG UP.

399. YOU GOT LOTS OF MONEY ANYWHERE?

400. SIT DOWN.

401. OKAY.

402. CLOSE YOUR EYES.

403. ALL RIGHT.

404. WHAT PEOPLE, WHAT SACK?

405. HMM.

406. REITERATOR PEOPLE. NORDSTROM BAG.

407. THEY'RE INAUTHENTIC. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE.

408. THEY STEAL PEOPLE'S PERSONALITIES AND THOUGHTS,

409. CONVINCED THAT THEY SAID IT FIRST,

410. AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM HAVE REALLY GREASY HAIR.

411. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE BE MORE DIFFERENT?

412. WELL, THERE'S A FINITE NUMBER OF PERSONALITIES IN THE WORLD,

413. AND I HAVE MET THEM ALL.

414. WHY DID YOU BRING ALL THESE SACKS OVER HERE?

415. TO ILLUSTRATE MY POINT.

416. WHICH IS WHAT?

417. PEOPLE ARE NOT SNOWFLAKES...

418. AND I NEEDED TO CLEAR OUT SOME ROOM IN MY CLOSET.

419. YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?

420. I'D LIKE TO THINK BETTY WAS WRONG—

421. PEOPLE COULDN'T BE CLUMPED TOGETHER IN SACKS AND SHOEBOXES—

422. BUT AFTER SPENDING TIME AT WORK,

423. I STARTED TO THINK MAYBE THEY COULD.

424. MAYBE PEOPLE REALLY WEREN'T THAT DIFFERENT FROM ONE ANOTHER.

425. HI, MILLIE.

426. WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?

427. SACKS AND SHOEBOXES MIGHT NOT BE SUCH A BAD IDEA.

428. FOR EVERY THING YOU LOVE OR HATE,

429. THERE ARE HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF OTHER PEOPLE

430. WHO LOVE OR HATE THE SAME THING.

431. I'M A CAT PERSON, MILLIE.

432. LET ME SHOW YOU A PICTURE OF MURRAY.

433. HE'S 15 YEARS OLD. HIS BLADDER'S GOING.

434. POOR THING

435. PISSED ON THE DRAPES YESTERDAY.

436. I JUST LOVE HIM.

437. MEOW, MEOW.

438. THAT'S WHY GOD MADE SUPPORT GROUPS,

439. BUT THERE'S NO SUPPORT GROUP FOR EVERYTHING.

440. I JUST HATE HER. WHAT A BITCH.

441. WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?

442. IT'S HARD ENOUGH FOR ME WITHOUT SOMEBODY RIDING MY ASS

443. EVERY GODDAMN SECOND OF EVERY GODDAMN MINUTE

444. OF EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

445. NO CURE, NO QUICK FIX.

446. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU FIND YOUR SACK, CRAWL INSIDE...

447. AMBER JUST GOT BACK FROM GETTING HER WAX.

448. FIVE BUCKS SAYS SHE'LL BE SHOWING RAOUL IN THE MAILROOM

449. BEFORE THE END OF BUSINESS.

450. AND MAKE THE MOST OF IT.

451. YOU'RE ON.

452. YOU'RE PUSHING TOO HARD.

453. JUST THE ONE STROKE ON THE "F."

454. YOU LIFTED THE GODDAMN PEN,

455. AND THAT "N," IT LOOKS LIKE AN "M."

456. I MEAN, THERE'S NO "M" IN "FLORENCE."

457. NO WONDER YOUR CHILDREN DON'T COME AND VISIT YOU.

458. YOU WANT MY SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS OR NOT?

459. WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG?

460. I DON'T KNOW.

461. MAYBE THERE'S A FEW SYNAPSES IN THERE STILL FIRING.

462. AM I COLD?

463. GO CHECK AND SEE IF I'M COLD.

464. NO, YOU'RE NOT REALLY COLD.

465. YOU'RE NOT WARM EITHER.

466. KIND OF LIKE A ROOM TEMPERATURE. LIKE A SOFT BRIE.

467. HEY.

468. YOU'LL KNOW WHEN IT HAPPENS.

469. IT GETS BRIGHT, YOU SEE SOMETHING NICE...

470. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "SOMETHING NICE"?

471. WELL, YOU SEE SOMETHING NICE

472. THAT YOU WANT TO SEE.

473. IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT.

474. WHAT DID YOU SEE WHEN YOU DIED?

475. WELL, I'M NOT OFFICIALLY DEAD. I DIDN'T CROSS OVER,

476. SO I DIDN'T GET A BIG LIGHT SHOW, YOU KNOW.

477. IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH EVERYBODY ELSE'S,

478. AND THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS PRETTY. BELIEVE ME.

479. ONE BLOKE

480. CLIMBED RIGHT BACK INSIDE HIS MOTHER BEFORE MY VERY EYES.

481. JESUS CHRIST, FELLA.

482. CUT THE CORD.

483. JESUS...

484. AS MASON WAS MAKING FRIENDS, I WAS FENDING OFF CO-WORKERS.

485. HI.

486. MICHAEL AND I WERE THINKING OF DRIVING TO THE OUTLETS AT LUNCH.

487. I HEAR THERE'S A STATIONERY STORE YOU HAVE TO SEE TO BELIEVE.

488. OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

489. YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME WITH.

490. OH, I WOULD, BUT...

491. BUT I'M ONE MONTH SOBER TODAY,

492. SO MY SPONSOR'S TAKING ME TO THE PARK

493. TO FLY KITES.

494. OH.

495. I USED TO HAVE A KITE...

496. SHAPED LIKE A DRAGON.

497. I'LL MEET YOU IN FRONT OF THE ELEVATORS ON P-2.

498. I AM...

499. SO PROUD OF YOU.

500. I LOOK AT YOU,

501. AND MY HEART SWELLS WITH SUCH...

502. PRIDE.

503. I KNOW I ACT LIKE I HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER,

504. BUT I AM NO STRANGER TO ADVERSITY.

505. I WENT THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.

506. IT WAS THE '80s, AND EVERYONE WAS DOING SO MUCH COCAINE.

507. WE CALLED IT "BLOW."

508. I PRAYED FOR SOMETHING, ANYTHING,

509. TO PREVENT MORE WORDS COMING OUT OF DELORES' MOUTH.

510. MAY I HELP YOU?

511. READY TO GO?

512. ANYTHING BUT THIS.

513. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT DOWNSTAIRS.

514. HI.

515. I'M DELORES HERBIG, AS IN "HER BIG, BROWN EYES."

516. HI. NICE TO MEET YOU,

517. AND YOUR BIG, BROWN EYES.

518. ARE YOU MILLIE'S SPONSOR?

519. YES. IN FACT, WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO THE PARK RIGHT NOW TO FLY KITES.

520. YOU SAID THAT.

521. HEY, THESE COMMUNAL?

522. THINK OF THEM AS A WELL-DESERVED REWARD.

523. IT'S A WONDERFUL THING TO BE A SHEPHERD TO A YOUNG PERSON.

524. I MYSELF AM VERY HAPPY TO BE MILLIE'S SHEPHERD FROM 9:00 TO 5:00.

525. HOW'S MILLIE WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

526. WONDERFUL.

527. SHE'S A VERY INDUSTRIOUS YOUNG WOMAN.

528. REALLY? ABSOLUTELY.

529. DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY LIP? DOES WHAT SHE'S TOLD?

530. OR DO YOU GOT TO GIVE HER AN OCCASIONAL TIME-OUT?

531. SHE'S AN ANGEL. THIS MILLIE RIGHT HERE?

532. SHE SAID I'M AN ANGEL. DROP IT.

533. THAT'S GREAT.

534. CAN WE GO NOW?

535. DO NOT TOUCH YOUR HAIR.

536. PROMISE ME THAT YOU WON'T TOUCH YOUR HAIR.

537. SAY, "I PROMISE THAT I WILL NOT TOUCH MY HAIR."

538. SAY IT.

539. I PROMISE. LET'S GO.

540. BYE. BYE.

541. TODAY'S THE DAY M.J. BOWERS IS GOING TO DIE,

542. AND IF YOU'RE IN THE MARKET FOR A BOWERS SOUL, THIS WAS THE PLACE TO BE.

543. NICE DAY FOR A REUNION, HUH?

544. WE HAD TO DO IT TODAY, COME RAIN OR SHINE.

545. BOWERS COMING IN FROM ALL OVER.

546. IS THAT A FACT?

547. EVEN HAD A BOWERS COME ALL THE WAY FROM MIAMI.

548. YEAH, WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE HELD IT THERE.

549. YOU'RE NOT A BOWERS, ARE YOU? JUST BY MARRIAGE.

550. THIS SUCKS.

551. AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT BY YOURSELF.

552. I HAD TO WORK THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING PARADE ALL ALONE ONE YEAR.

553. THERE WAS THIS TRAVESTY WITH A ROGUE MARMADUKE BALLOON.

554. OKAY.

555. LET'S WORK THE CROWD.

556. LOOK FOR HIGH-RISK FACTORS, AND JUST TRY NOT TO ALARM ANYBODY.

557. OKAY.

558. BETTY ALWAYS SEEMS TO GO A DIFFERENT WAY THAN EVERYONE ELSE.

559. IT WAS MYSTERIOUS AND REASSURING.

560. I WONDER IF SHE HAD A SACK FOR "MYSTERIOUS AND REASSURING."

561. IF SHE DID, I'D PUT HER PICTURE IN IT.

562. AGE AND WISDOM HAD NO IMPACT ON HER.

563. JUST THAT STRANGE LIGHT BULB THAT LIVED IN HER STOMACH.

564. KNOWING THAT MADE MY AFTERLIFE A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE.

565. EXCUSE ME. SORRY.

566. M.J.? M.J.?

567. M.J.?

568. ANY OF YOU FOLKS M.J. BOWERS?

569. M.J., BUDDY?

570. SHE'S A PIT BULL, RIGHT?

571. I HEAR THEY'RE REAL UNSTABLE.

572. THEY GO NUTS AND KILL PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.

573. HAS YOUR DOG EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

574. IS YOUR NAME M.J.? WHAT?

575. MY FRIEND TELLS ME, "GO SAY HELLO TO M.J.

576. HE'S STANDING OVER THERE," AND SHE POINTS AT YOU.

577. WHICH FRIEND?

578. RIGHT THERE.

579. THE PRETTY GIRL IN THE PANTSUIT.

580. THAT ONE? YEAH.

581. I DON'T KNOW HER. WHY'D SHE POINT AT ME FOR?

582. SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE M.J. BOWERS. ARE YOU?

583. WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

584. IT'S A FAMILY REUNION. WE'RE ALL FAMILY.

585. I'M JUST ASKING YOUR NAME.

586. I DON'T KNOW YOU, SIR.

587. RUBE. HI, HOW ARE YOU?

588. LISTEN, I'M TIRED OF FUCKING AROUND.

589. IS YOUR NAME M.J. BOWERS OR NOT?

590. I'M STUCK!

591. GET ME OUT OF THIS SLIDE!

592. GEORGE.

593. M.J. YOU REMEMBER M.J.

594. HEY, THAT'S NOT M.J. I'VE GOT M.J.

595. THERE'S A FAT KID NAMED MARVIN JAMES STUCK IN THE TUBE SLIDE.

596. ALL THE OTHER CHILDREN KEEP PILING IN ON TOP OF HIM.

597. THEY'RE PACKED IN THERE LIKE SAUSAGE MEAT.

598. COME ON.

599. THERE'S A SUBTLE DISTINCTION BETWEEN "AN" M.J. BOWERS AND "THE" M.J. BOWERS.

600. COMFORTABLE AND SAFE?

601. OR MYSTERIOUS AND REASSURING?

602. IT DIDN'T MATTER EITHER WAY, BECAUSE TIME WAS UP.

603. HAPPY THOUGHTS.

604. SLOW DOWN!

605. THIS IS A FUN ZONE, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!

606. I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.

607. THEN AGAIN, NEITHER DID HE.

608. EITHER WAY, M.J. BOWERS ENDED UP IN A SACK,

609. BUT BETTY HAD A WAY WITH THE DEAD,

610. A DEAD-SIDE MANNER, I GUESS.

611. THE GLASS DOESN'T HAVE TO BE HALF EMPTY.

612. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY YOU'D HAVE IF YOU SURVIVED?

613. LOTS. LOTS AND LOTS.

614. I MEAN, SURE, IT WOULD BE WORTH IT IF YOU'RE STILL ALIVE,

615. BUT SINCE YOU'RE NOT, IT'S JUST ONE LESS THING THAT YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT.

616. AREN'T YOU GUYS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME

617. SEND A MESSAGE TO MY LOVED ONES?

618. I DON'T SEE DELLA REESE SITTING AT THIS TABLE.

619. LOOK,

620. YOU SEEM LIKE A VERY NICE MAN,

621. BUT YOU CAN'T BE EXPECTING US

622. TO DROP A CARD IN THE MAIL EVERY TIME SOMEBODY DIES.

623. WHY NOT?

624. POSTAGE. IT ADDS UP.

625. THIS WAS MY LIFE.

626. HEY, WE DON'T GET PAID. THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE.

627. REALLY?

628. YEAH, THAT'S STUPID, HUH? WE SHOULD GET PAID.

629. AT LEAST MINIMUM WAGE.

630. LOOK WHO'S NORMA RAE.

631. MY SISTER LIVES RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

632. WRITE SOMETHING ON A NAPKIN.

633. YOU DON'T WANT TO TAP DANCE ON HER HEAD LIKE THAT.

634. PEOPLE CAN'T BE GETTING NOTES FROM THEIR DEARLY DEPARTED.

635. YOU WANT YOUR SISTER TO GO INSANE?

636. THIS GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU.

637. TELL HER IT'S A NOTE FROM JESUS,

638. AND JESUS SAYS I'M OKAY.

639. FINE. JESUS WILL LEAVE A NOTE.

640. IF HE CAN WALK ON WATER,

641. I GUESS HE CAN WRITE A NOTE, TOO.

642. THE CURTAIN WAS COMING DOWN ALL OVER TOWN,

643. AND A DIRGE WOULD PLAY.

644. IF THIS IS MURRAY THE DEAD CAT, I'M SO OUT OF HERE.

645. PAYDAY...

646. AND...

647. TO CELEBRATE YOUR VERY FIRST HAPPY TIME PAYCHECK...

648. PAYDAY. GET IT?

649. ALLOW ME TO PASS ON A HELPFUL HINT.

650. THAT PAYDAY LABEL MAKES A GREAT TITLE PAGE FOR YOUR WORK SCRAPBOOK.

651. I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

652. WHERE'S THE WINDFALL GOING?

653. SOME NEW SLINGBACKS? A BLAZER FOR WORK?

654. THIS IS USUALLY WHERE I START COUNTING DELORES' EYEBROW HAIRS,

655. BUT THEN...

656. I WAS THINKING ABOUT BUYING AN TERRARIUM.

657. I HAVE A FROG, AND HE HAS NO PLACE TO LIVE.

658. I STARTED TALKING TO HER,

659. AND I WASN'T JUST BULLSHITTING, EITHER.

660. I KIND OF DIDN'T WANT HER TO LEAVE.

661. I LIKE TO SOCK AWAY 10% OF EVERY PAYCHECK.

662. PUT THE MONEY SOMEPLACE WHIMSICAL.

663. A BRIGHTLY COLORED CIGAR BOX IS WHAT WORKS FOR ME.

664. I CALL IT MY "FUN FUND".

665. FUN FUND?

666. I GO HOG WILD EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

667. BUY SOMETHING COMPLETELY FRIVOLOUS, JUST FOR ME.

668. IT USED TO BE THE...

669. BLOW.

670. LAST MONTH, I BOUGHT MYSELF THE MOST ADORABLE ASHTRAY,

671. AND I DON'T EVEN SMOKE.

672. HOW'S YOUR CAT?

673. HOW'S MURRAY?

674. OH, THANK YOU FOR ASKING. HIS BLADDER'S NOT GOOD.

675. I CASHED IN MY FIRST PAYCHECK TODAY.

676. BOUGHT A TERRARIUM FOR MY FROG.

677. WHEN DID YOU GET A FROG?

678. I THINK HE FOLLOWED ME HOME FROM THE TRAIN WRECK.

679. THAT'S A LOT OF JUMPING. I MEAN, I LIKE JUMPING, BUT...

680. MAYBE YOU'RE A FROG-PEOPLE.

681. MAYBE.

682. OR MAYBE I JUST CAN'T SIT STILL FOR TOO LONG.

683. I RETROSPECT, THAT'S THE MOMENT SHE DECIDED TO DO IT.

684. ON THE BAR WITH YOU!

685. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO MY...

686. FIFTH BIRTHDAY.

687. SOME OF YOU ARE BELOVED CO-WORKERS,

688. SOME OF YOU ARE LIFE-LONG FRIENDS.

689. BUT TO ME, YOU'RE ALL FAMILY.

690. I LOVE YOU ALL.

691. ESPECIALLY YOU, MAGGIE.

692. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, I WOULDN'T BE WHERE I AM TODAY.

693. ON TOP OF THE BAR GETTING PISSED DRUNK!

694. BUT, BUT, BUT...

695. AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU ALL, THIS DAY IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

696. IT'S ABOUT ME. IT'S ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO...

697. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO.

698. EXCUSE ME. HAVE WE MET BEFORE?

699. YEAH, I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE,

700. A LONG, LONG TIME AGO.

701. HAPPY THOUGHTS.

702. OH, NO.

703. I KNOW YOU WERE HAVING FUN IN THERE.

704. SORRY YOU COULDN'T STAY.

705. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SHORT,

706. BUT I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE TIME I DID HAVE.

707. IT'S THE CLIFFS OF DOVER.

708. THE BEST THING ABOUT CLIFFS IS JUMPING.

709. I'M NOT MUCH FOR JUMPING.

710. NOT MUCH FOR LANDING, EITHER.

711. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHERE YOU LAND.

712. A LEAP OF FAITH?

713. IF YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING OFF A JUMP,

714. JUST PUTTING IT OFF,

715. SOMETIMES THE SUBTLE THINGS ARE WHAT MAKE YOU TAKE THE PLUNGE.

716. HERE, TAKE MY PICTURE.

717. WHAT? COME ON.

718. TAKE MY PICTURE. WHY?

719. HAPPY THOUGHTS...

720. FOR MY BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG FRIEND.

721. I LOVE YOU, SWEETIE.

722. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

723. TIME TO SHAKE THINGS UP A BIT.

724. PIGGYBACK RIDE.

725. NO, RUBE SAID WE CAN'T GO WHERE THEY'RE GOING.

726. OPEN DOOR'S AN INVITATION.

727. GOT TO JUMP WHILE THE DOOR'S OPEN.

728. AND JUST LIKE THAT, SHE WAS GONE.

729. WE LEAD OUR LIVES,

730. AND WHEN THEY END, SOMETIMES WE LEAVE A LITTLE OF OURSELVES BEHIND.

731. SOMETIMES WE LEAVE MONEY, A PAINTING...

732. SOMETIMES WE LEAVE A KIND WORD...

733. JESUS?

734. AND SOMETIMES WE LEAVE AN EMPTY SPACE.

735. YOU CAN'T GO WHERE SHE WENT.

736. I KNOW.

737. SHE WAS A PISTOL.

738. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHERE DID SHE GO?

739. SHE'S COMING BACK, RIGHT?

740. I DON'T KNOW.

741. GOD, I HATE THIS.

742. BETTY TOLD ME THAT MILLIE HAD AN OLDER BROTHER.

743. NO.

744. SHE HAD AN OLDER SISTER...

745. AND SHE WAS FEARLESS.

746. YEAH.

747. SHE WAS A REAL PISTOL.

748. WHY DO I KEEP LOSING ALL THE THINGS AND PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT?

749. THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS, PEANUT.

750. HOW DOES DEATH DEAL WITH DEATH?

751. I GUESS THE SAME WAY THE LIVING DO,

752. TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF SOMETHING

753. THAT'LL NEVER QUITE MAKE SENSE.

754. DON'T BE BASHFUL. I WAS A BEGINNER ONCE TOO.

755. "MYSTERIOUS AND REASSURING."

756. UH-HUH.

757. ALL THESE PEOPLE, THEY ALL HAVE IT,

758. AROUND THEIR EYES AND THEIR SMILE.

759. THE REASSURING PART IS...

760. WHAT LULLS YOU INTO THE SENSE

761. THAT EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE...

762. AND THEN, BOOM,

763. THEY PULL THE RUG OUT FROM UNDERNEATH YOU.

764. THAT'S THE MYSTERY PART.

765. I'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT HERE.

766. COMMON ROOKIE MOVE IN SCRAPBOOKING,

767. TURNING THEM INTO PHOTO ALBUMS,

768. AND THE FIRST THING THEY TEACH YOU ABOUT SCRAPBOOKS,

769. RULE NUMBER ONE, IS THAT THEY ARE NOT PHOTO ALBUMS.

770. SCRAPBOOKING IS... ART-FORMING.

771. EVERY PAGE TELLS A STORY.

772. WHEN YOU CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF SOMEONE LEAVING,

773. YOU SOMETIMES TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT THEY LEFT BEHIND...

774. AND IT MAKES IT A WHOLE LOT EASIER

775. WHEN WHAT THEY LEFT YOU WAS BEAUTIFUL.