Dead Like Me 1x4

1. EVERYBODY DIES.

2. I'M TOLD THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

3. I'M TOLD I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO ARGUE OR QUESTION

4. OR EVEN TRY TO UNDERSTAND.

5. I'M TOLD A LOT THESE DAYS,

6. EVER SINCE MY LIFE WAS SNUFFED OUT

7. BY A TOILET SEAT

8. AND I JOINED THE RANKS OF THE UNDEAD.

9. THIS IS RUBE.

10. HE'S UNDEAD TOO.

11. HE'S THE ONE WHO GETS THE LIST—

12. WHO'S TO DIE, WHEN AND WHERE—

13. WHICH HE PASSES ON TO THE REST OF US GRIM REAPERS.

14. THIS IS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE TO THE LIVING.

15. HOLY SHIT.

16. MY NAME IS GEORGE LASS.

17. I TAKE SOULS.

18. THIS WAS MY HOME,

19. AND THIS WAS MY FAMILY—

20. DAD,

21. REGGIE,

22. MOM.

23. THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLE COPING.

24. DO YOU GUYS GET OFF DROPPING PIANOS ON PEOPLE?

25. I MEAN, IS THAT, LIKE, A FETISH OR SOMETHING?

26. IT'S NOT OUR JOB

27. TO DROP THE PIANOS OR THE TOILET SEATS.

28. WHOSE JOB IS IT?

29. GRAVELINGS.

30. THEY SET THINGS IN MOTION.

31. THEY MAKE THE ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.

32. THEY KILL PEOPLE?

33. LIFE AND DEATH.

34. THEY HAVE TO EXIST IN PERFECT HARMONY—

35. YIN, YANG, CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT—

36. BUT THAT BALANCE HAS TO BE MAINTAINED.

37. OR ELSE?

38. OR ELSE THINGS GET OUT OF HAND, AND THAT AIN'T PRETTY.

39. LONG AND GNARLED IS THE FICKLE FINGER OF FATE,

40. BUT THAT FINGER HAS A PISSER OF A HANGNAIL.

41. IT CAN BE CRIPPLING,

42. AND IN THE GAME OF LIFE AND DEATH,

43. IT'S GOOD TO KNOW FATE HAS A WEAKNESS,

44. LIKE THE CANDY-COATED GOODNESS

45. OF A LIGHTLY-SALTED PEANUT POPPY.

46. FOR THOSE NOT RAISED IN THE SOUTH,

47. A PEANUT POPPY IS LIKE A PEANUT M&M

48. BUT JUST DIFFERENT ENOUGH TO AVOID LITIGATION

49. AND THE PURPLE ONES ARE THE BEST.

50. FROM THE FIELDS OF GEORGIA

51. TO A FACTORY PROCESSING UNIT

52. TO A STORE NEAR YOU...

53. SOMETHING AS INSIGNIFICANT AS A PEANUT POPPY

54. CAN CHANGE FATE.

55. I KIND OF PREFER M&Ms.

56. I LIKE THESE.

57. THESE ARE SALTED.

58. I THINK I'D LIKE THEM BETTER IF THEY WEREN'T.

59. I MEAN, THEY'RE GOOD, BUT...

60. GO BUY YOURSELF SOME M&Ms.

61. I WISH SHE HAD A TAIL.

62. IF IT WAS WAGGING, AT LEAST I'D KNOW SHE LIKED ME.

63. I NEED ONE OF THOSE LISTERINE STRIPS.

64. THESE THINGS MAKE YOUR BREATH SMELL LIKE ASS.

65. ASS AND PEANUTS.

66. DAMMIT.

67. MY GUY'S A NO-SHOW.

68. WERE YOU ON TIME?

69. I WAS ON TIME FOR THE TIME YOU GAVE ME.

70. SO DOES THIS MEAN HIS SOUL IS GOING TO ROT NOW?

71. I MEAN,

72. HE HAD AN APPOINTMENT, RIGHT?

73. HE MISSED IT.

74. SO? SEW BUTTONS, BITCH.

75. DON'T YOU LISTEN?

76. SOMEBODY DOESN'T SHOW UP FOR AN APPOINTMENT,

77. APPOINTMENT GETS CANCELED.

78. IT'S RARE, BUT IT HAPPENS.

79. SO HE GETS TO LIVE?

80. LIKE, CONSEQUENCE-FREE?

81. WELL, UNTIL HIS APPOINTMENT CAN BE RESCHEDULED, SURE.

82. YOU SAID YOU CAN'T RESCHEDULE, YOU CAN'T CHANGE FATE.

83. "CARDINAL RULE, EVERYBODY DIES."

84. YOU SAID THESE THINGS.

85. WELL, EVERY SO OFTEN, THINGS DON'T GO AS PLANNED.

86. IT'S NOT PERSONAL.

87. SO, LIKE, ON A WHIM OR ON A WILD HAIR,

88. HE GOES TO PICK UP DONUTS FOR THE OFFICE

89. AND HE GETS TO LIVE?

90. SOUNDS LIKE INSTANT KARMA TO ME, HUH?

91. NO ONE MENTIONED DEATH HAD A LOOPHOLE.

92. THAT'S REALLY FUCKING UNFAIR.

93. HEY, YOU LIKE THE LADIES, RIGHT?

94. SURE YOU DO.

95. HEY, UH-UH-UH.

96. YOU AND ME. HOP AND POP.

97. CLEARWATER CASINO NORTH OF THE BORDER.

98. DRIVE UP, FLY BACK.

99. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

100. I'M EASY.

101. ACTUALLY, I KNOW SOME MATES IN CLEARWATER.

102. HERE. YOU MIGHT WANT TO ASK FOR A LATE LUNCH.

103. WHERE'S BETTY?

104. INCAPACITATED.

105. SHE'S WORKING ON IT.

106. HELLO?

107. THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.

108. FATE ISN'T ALWAYS FICKLE.

109. SOMETIMES IT STICKS TO WHAT IT KNOWS.

110. THANKS FOR THE RIDE, JOY.

111. I ASKED YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT.

112. IT'S YOUR NAME.

113. DON'T YOU LIKE YOUR NAME?

114. YEAH, I LIKE MY NAME FINE,

115. BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO SAY IT

116. UNLESS SOMEONE ASKS YOU WHAT IT IS.

117. GOT IT?

118. YOU MIGHT WANT TO NOD OR SOMETHING

119. TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I'VE SPOKEN.

120. THANK YOU.

121. NOW, CAN I GO?

122. YES.

123. IT WAS LIKE WATCHING RERUNS OF MY CHILDHOOD.

124. I KNEW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT MY SISTER.

125. I'M NOT EVEN REALLY SURE WHAT GRADE SHE'S IN.

126. FIFTH, I THINK.

127. HELP!

128. HEY, LASSIE.

129. LASSHOLE.

130. HOW COULD SOMEONE SO INVISIBLE TO ME

131. BE SO VISIBLE TO EVERYONE ELSE?

132. EW.

133. GROSS.

134. MAYBE BECAUSE SHE ACTED LIKE THE PRINCESS OF WEIRD.

135. I SENSE YOU'RE NOT CHALLENGED.

136. ARE YOU CHALLENGED, MILLIE?

137. SORT OF.

138. COLD AND FLU SEASON IS ALMOST UPON US.

139. WE'RE ABOUT TO GET VERY BUSY.

140. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL

141. ABOUT HAVING A WEENSY BIT MORE RESPONSIBILITY?

142. OKAY.

143. THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

144. UNITED INSURANCE IS LOOKING

145. FOR AN ORGANIZED FILER WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

146. NOW, THIS IS COMMONLY REGARDED AS A LOW-INTEREST POSITION

147. SO OUR OPTIONS WILL BE LIMITED.

148. I'D LIKE YOU TO COMPILE A LIST

149. OF "REMEDIAL SKILL" AVAILS FOR ME

150. AND PRIORITIZE THEM.

151. IN WHAT ORDER?

152. START WITH THE PEOPLE YOU FEEL

153. ARE BEST SUITED FOR THE POSITION,

154. AND WORK YOUR WAY DOWN TO THE DREGS.

155. ISN'T RESPONSIBILITY FUN?

156. AS I WORKED THROUGH THE DREGS...

157. I COULDN'T HELP BUT PONDER THE DAY I DIED.

158. WHAT IF I STAYED IN THE OFFICE FOR MY 35-MINUTE LUNCH HOUR?

159. WHAT IF I ATE IN THE BREAK ROOM?

160. WHAT IF I MISSED MY APPOINTMENT?

161. WHAT IF IT REALLY WAS UNFAIR?

162. I MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SAVE MY LIFE...

163. BUT THAT DIDN'T MEAN I COULDN'T SAVE SOMEBODY ELSE'S.

164. HI.

165. HI.

166. MY GYNECOLOGIST CALLED,

167. AND HE NEEDS TO RESCHEDULE A LITTLE EARLY,

168. SO IF THAT'S POSSIBLE—

169. BOY, HE JUST CAN'T MAKE UP HIS MIND, CAN HE?

170. YEAH.

171. SO IS THAT OKAY?

172. OF COURSE. DON'T BE SILLY.

173. I HOPE IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS.

174. NO, NO.

175. I'M FINE. IT'S JUST...

176. I'M FINE.

177. IS IT A...

178. WHAT?

179. A PAP.

180. ARE THEY DOING A...

181. UH-HUH.

182. WELL, WHATEVER IT IS, EARLY DETECTION IS KEY.

183. YEAH.

184. LAST TIME I HAD A PAP,

185. MY ASS STUCK TO THE PAPER

186. SO WHEN MY OB/GYN TOLD ME TO "SLIDE DOWN,"

187. THE PAPER RIPPED.

188. WELL, HE KEPT TRYING TO PULL MORE PAPER UP

189. FROM THAT LITTLE ROLL UNDER THE TABLE,

190. AND TUCK IT AROUND MY HEAD,

191. BUT THAT KEPT FALLING OFF TOO.

192. I TELL YOU, WE GOT TO LAUGHING.

193. I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD,

194. HE COULDN'T GET THE SPECULUM IN

195. BECAUSE MY MUSCLES WERE ALL TENSE

196. BECAUSE OF THE LAUGHING.

197. YOU KNOW, I THINK

198. THAT WAS ONE OF MY BEST LAUGHS EVER.

199. YOU'VE GOT 14, DEALER'S GOT 16.

200. HIT OR STICK? DON'T KNOW.

201. BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE TABLE.

202. WHY AREN'T YOU WATCHING THE TABLE?

203. DON'T KNOW.

204. YOU HIT. SOMEHOW, OUT OF THE SWEET, BLUE SKY,

205. THE GUY NEXT TO YOU BUSTS.

206. DO I LIKE THIS GUY?

207. HE'S YOUR FELLOW MAN. OF COURSE YOU LIKE HIM.

208. HE BUSTS BECAUSE YOU TOOK HIS CARD.

209. HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND NOW,

210. AND THE ALVIN DOWN AT THE END OF THE TABLE,

211. HE'S CRYING INTO HIS BEER BECAUSE HE JUST DOUBLE-DOWNED.

212. THEN I WOULD STICK.

213. LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING

214. CAN BLOW IT FOR THE WHOLE TABLE.

215. SO DON'T LET HER SIT AT THE TABLE.

216. SHE'S ALREADY SITTING.

217. DON'T GET EXCITED.

218. I'M NOT EXCITED. I'M COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

219. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

220. ALL I'M SAYING IS,

221. YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH GEORGE.

222. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

223. WHAT?

224. NOTHING.

225. I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.

226. JUST TAKE A BREATH. CALM DOWN.

227. I'M BREATHING FINE, MASON.

228. GOOD.

229. LOOK, IF YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO HER, I'LL TALK TO HER.

230. I DON'T WANT YOU TALKING TO ANYBODY.

231. JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING. I'M SORRY I BROUGHT IT UP.

232. NO, DON'T BE SORRY. IT WAS A MISTAKE.

233. WE'RE HAVING A CHAT.

234. NO, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. I SHOULD BE SAYING IT TO GEORGE, NOT YOU,

235. AND AS FAR AS SHE'S CONCERNED,

236. WE DIDN'T HAVE THE CONVERSATION.

237. SO WHAT CONVERSATION DID WE HAVE, THEN?

238. WHO GIVES A SHIT? NOT THIS ONE.

239. GARY, I THOUGHT YOU CAME IN HERE TO EXERCISE.

240. I DID.

241. WHAT HAPPENED?

242. NOTHING. I'M EXERCISING.

243. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

244. WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I FOUND A WAY TO WORK OUT AND READ A BOOK

245. AT THE SAME TIME?

246. WELL, I DO THAT EVERY DAY, GARY.

247. YOU SEE, OUR TREADMILL HAS A BOOKSTAND.

248. CAN YOU COOK AND WORK OUT AT THE SAME TIME?

249. CAN YOU DRIVE?

250. OF COURSE NOT.

251. WELL, NOW YOU CAN.

252. WHAT IS THAT?

253. A MIRACLE.

254. NO MORE CRUNCHES, NO MORE SIT-UPS.

255. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SIMPLY TURN IT AND BURN IT.

256. AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

257. FOR YOUR VERY OWN AB-SOLVER IS SEND $29.95 TO...

258. I FOUND P.J. MONROE 11 MINUTES BEFORE HIS E.T.D.,

259. ALMOST TWO MILES FROM WHERE HE WAS SCHEDULED TO DIE.

260. I'M SORRY. MR. MONROE ISN'T AVAILABLE.

261. DID YOU TELL HIM IT'S IMPORTANT?

262. YES, BUT HE'S JUST ON HIS WAY OUT OF THE OFFICE...

263. IT'LL ONLY TAKE A SECOND. PLEASE. I'LL BE QUICK.

264. HE'S NOT GOING TO SEE YOU.

265. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT THIS IS REGARDING.

266. UH...

267. I'M THE GIRL HIS SON DRUGGED,

268. AND IT'S REGARDING HIM VIDEOTAPING ME.

269. WHILE HOMELESS PEOPLE HAD SEX WITH MY UNCONSCIOUS BODY.

270. I'LL DOUBLE-CHECK.

271. A STEADY STREAM OF LIES SPEWED FROM MY MOUTH,

272. EACH ONE MORE ELABORATE THAN THE LAST.

273. I DREW UPON EVERYTHING I EVER READ IN PENTHOUSE FORUM

274. AND MADE IT MY OWN.

275. I WAS QUEEN OF DECEPTION AND I WAS ON FIRE.

276. BY THE TIME I FINISHED, I ALMOST BELIEVED IT MYSELF.

277. AND THEN I WOKE UP SOMEPLACE ELSE.

278. YOU DON'T SHOW UP FOR YOUR APPOINTMENT,

279. YOUR APPOINTMENT GETS CANCELED.

280. CANCEL MY 2:00.

281. RARE, BUT IT HAPPENS.

282. I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU SOME MONEY.

283. AND INSTANT KARMA TO BOOT.

284. RIGHT ABOUT NOW, P.J. MONROE SHOULD BE RUNNING A RED LIGHT

285. TO MAKE HIS 2:00,

286. BUT HE'S NOT.

287. EXCUSE ME.

288. I AM SO SORRY.

289. IT'S MY SISTER'S CARD.

290. CALL HER. SHE'S A LAWYER.

291. SHE WILL CRUCIFY THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH.

292. UH, THANKS.

293. MASON AND RUBE HAD POPPED A BUSLOAD OF GAMBLERS

294. AND WERE FLYING HOME STAND-BY.

295. WHERE YOU GOING?

296. I'M GOING TO KILL THAT FUCKING BABY.

297. I'M JUST KIDDING. I LOVE BABIES.

298. I'VE GOT TO MAKE A SISSY.

299. I'LL BE BACK IN TWO SHAKES.

300. BUT TEMPTING FATE IS ANOTHER ISSUE ALTOGETHER...

301. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE SUPPLEMENTING YOUR INCOME

302. BY SMUGGLING DRUGS UP YOUR ASS.

303. WHILE RUBE WAS BEING FICKLE-FINGERED,

304. I WAS RETURNING TO HAPPY TIME WITH A CLICK IN MY HEEL.

305. I WAS STRONG.

306. I WAS INVINCIBLE.

307. I BEAT THE SYSTEM,

308. RIGHTED A UNIVERSAL WRONG,

309. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE VARIABLES?

310. NOT EVEN HERBIG, WHO SANITIZES HERSELF TO THE POINT OF PATHOLOGY,

311. CAN ACCOUNT FOR ALL THE VARIABLES.

312. UH...

313. THESE ARE THE "REMEDIAL SKILL" AVAILS

314. THAT DELORES ASKED FOR.

315. I'LL JUST LEAVE THEM ON HER CHAIR.

316. I WAS JUST WRITING YOU A NOTE.

317. HOW'D IT GO?

318. HOW'D WHAT GO?

319. THE...

320. PAP.

321. OH. FINE.

322. FINE.

323. IT'S ALL GOOD.

324. I WAS JUST—

325. WHEN DO YOU GET THE RESULTS?

326. COUPLE OF DAYS.

327. THAT'S QUICK.

328. USUALLY, BY THE TIME I GET MY RESULTS,

329. I FORGET I'VE HAD THE TEST.

330. I HOPE THEY DON'T MAKE YOU REPEAT IT.

331. THEY WON'T.

332. THEY WILL IF IT'S ABNORMAL.

333. LISTEN, I LEFT YOU A BOSE CATALOG.

334. YOUR WORK SPACE IS LOOKING A LITTLE SPARSE.

335. WHY DON'T YOU GET YOURSELF A BLOTTER

336. AND ONE OF THOSE JELLY WRIST SUPPORTS, OKAY?

337. OKAY.

338. PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN AROUND YOUR ANKLES

339. AND BEND OVER, PLEASE.

340. OKAY.

341. I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE BABY. I TOLD HER THAT.

342. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY I'M SORRY?

343. I'LL SAY I'M SORRY.

344. IT'S EVERY SATURDAY FOR 10 WEEKS.

345. I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE SOMETHING FUN

346. WE COULD DO TOGETHER.

347. I HAVE YOGA ON SATURDAYS.

348. WELL, YOU COULD DO BOTH.

349. WHAT DO THEY MAKE YOU DO?

350. UNDIES TOO, SIR.

351. IT'S A POTTERY CLASS.

352. YOU MAKE POTTERY.

353. WHAT KIND?

354. COFFEE MUGS, BOWLS...

355. CAN'T YOU JUST BUY THOSE AT THE STORE?

356. WOULD YOU PREFER TO PAINT?

357. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAN INTO ME.

358. JUST A KIND OF GENERAL APOLOGY?

359. TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN?

360. HE'S CLEAN.

361. ALL RIGHT, PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON.

362. YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

363. THANKS.

364. I'M GOING TO PRETEND THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN.

365. I THINK SOMETHING JUST BROKE.

366. I'M GOING TO KILL THAT FUCKING BABY.

367. YOU'RE VERY WELL-LIKED HERE.

368. I AM?

369. ABSOLUTELY.

370. I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE FIND THEIR PLACE SO QUICKLY.

371. IT REALLY FEELS LIKE YOU'RE ONE OF US,

372. BUT THIS PART-TIME BUSINESS...

373. IT JUST ISN'T WORKING OUT FOR YOU.

374. I'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU FOR ONE MORE DAY A WEEK.

375. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

376. UH, WHAT DAY?

377. TUESDAY,

378. SO WE'D GET YOU MONDAY, TUESDAY, AND WEDNESDAY.

379. OKAY.

380. SOMEHOW, I WAS FAILING UPWARD.

381. WONDERFUL.

382. THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY.

383. I STOOD OUT BECAUSE I WAS THE ONLY ONE STANDING.

384. DELORES HERBIG.

385. WHY, HELLO, SANDRA SHERMAN.

386. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR RETURNING MY CALL.

387. YES, YES, I DO.

388. ARE YOU STILL AVAILABLE?

389. WONDERFUL.

390. YOU JUST MADE MY DAY.

391. HAVE CRYSTAL CALL MARILYN OVER AT DELOITTE & TOUCHE

392. AND TELL HER WE HAVE GOT HER THAT EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT.

393. SANDRA... UH-HUH.

394. SHE HAD HER LITTLE SECRET,

395. AND AS LONG AS SHE DIDN'T LICK MY PHONE,

396. THAT SECRET WAS SAFE WITH ME.

397. FOR ALL I KNOW,

398. IT WAS HER COSMIC ROLE TO SPREAD DISEASE,

399. AND FOR ALL SHE KNEW, I WAS THE ENEMY.

400. UM...

401. DELORES ASKED ME TO ASK YOU TO, UM...

402. I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO GIVE HER AN ORDER,

403. EVEN IF IT WAS COMING FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

404. FOR THE NUMBER TO THE LADY AT DELOITTE & TOUCHE.

405. THANKS.

406. OH, AND JUST SO YOU KNOW,

407. I WON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT WHAT YOU DID, OKAY?

408. WHAT DID I DO?

409. EVEN AFTER THWARTING FATE ITSELF...

410. UH, NOTHING.

411. CRYSTAL STILL INTIMIDATED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

412. NEVER MIND.

413. HI.

414. I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH MARILYN SIMCOX.

415. YOU'RE MAKING FRIENDS ALL OVER THE PLACE, AREN'T YOU?

416. OH.

417. GOOD.

418. BUT I THOUGHT I SAID I WANTED CRYSTAL TO MAKE THAT CALL.

419. I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL HER THAT CRYSTAL SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME,

420. SO INSTEAD I SAID...

421. WELL, SHE SEEMED REALLY BUSY,

422. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER HER.

423. CRYSTAL WAS BUSY?

424. I'M SORRY. WERE YOU ABOUT TO USE THE PHONE?

425. I WAS JUST...

426. CALLING YOU TO SEE

427. IF THERE WAS ANYTHING I COULD DO TO HELP.

428. I BECAME AWARE OF THE WORDS ONLY AFTER THEY LEFT MY MOUTH.

429. I LIKE THE WAY YOU SHOW INITIATIVE, MILLIE.

430. I LIKE IT A LOT.

431. I'D BETTER WATCH MY BACK.

432. PRETTY SOON YOU'LL HAVE MY JOB.

433. ONLY AFTER YOU GET A PROMOTION.

434. AW...

435. I FELT DIRTY.

436. WELL, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND THANK YOU.

437. YOU'RE WELCOME.

438. YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM THAT GIRL.

439. EVERYBODY'S ON THE CLOCK TONIGHT.

440. LAST MINUTE ADDITIONS.

441. I THINK I SHOULD PROBABLY BOW OUT,

442. BECAUSE I'M FEELING UNWELL AND A BIT STOPPED UP.

443. THAT'S NOT AN OPTION.

444. EENY, MEENY, MINEY, MOE. LOOK HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.

445. THESE ARE ALL RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

446. IS SOMEBODY'S BALCONY GOING TO COLLAPSE?

447. SOME OF THESE DON'T EVEN HAVE TIMES.

448. YEAH, YOU'VE GOT AN EIGHT-HOUR WINDOW, JUST LIKE THE CABLE MAN.

449. THIS IS ALL A BIT OF A HICCUP

450. AND NOBODY'S EXPECTING PERFECTION.

451. WELL, WHAT? IS THERE GOING TO BE AN EARTHQUAKE?

452. MAYBE IT'S A WHOLE BUS FULL OF LADIES GOING OVER A CLIFF.

453. YEAH, I KNOW JUST THE ONE.

454. IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD TIME TO SLIP IN UNDER THE RADAR.

455. OH, UM...

456. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

457. MY LAST GUY DIDN'T SHOW UP.

458. I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW.

459. WHAT'S THE SOUP TODAY?

460. CREAM OF BULLSHIT.

461. I STOOD AT THE INTERSECTION FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR,

462. AND NOTHING HAPPENED.

463. DO ME A FAVOR.

464. PRETEND A COUPLE DAYS HAVE GONE BY

465. AND YOU'VE RETHOUGHT THIS LITTLE LIE.

466. YOU'RE SAD AND REPENTANT

467. BECAUSE YOU HAVE HAD AN EPIPHANY AND GROWN THE FUCK UP.

468. I'M NOT LYING.

469. SURE YOU ARE, PEANUT. PEOPLE LIE ALL THE TIME.

470. IT'S NOT A BAD THING.

471. OW, SWEET JESUS.

472. YOU'RE JUST MISGUIDED.

473. NOW HOW'S ABOUT TRYING SOME HONESTY ON FOR SIZE?

474. OH!

475. CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE MY FINGERS WORK.

476. A LITTLE HELP HERE, PLEASE?

477. WHAT DO YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

478. HELP ME.

479. HELP ME, JESUS.

480. HELP ME.

481. I'M NOT LYING.

482. SOMETIMES IF A LIE IS BIG ENOUGH,

483. THERE'S AN INSTINCTIVE NEED TO PROTECT IT.

484. IT'S ALMOST MATERNAL.

485. OH, THANK YOU, JESUS.

486. I COULD ONLY PRAY THERE WASN'T ANY SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE

487. OR EYE-WITNESS ACCOUNTS

488. LINKING ME TO P.J. MONROE AND HIS NON-DEATH.

489. I CAN'T GET THIS.

490. IT WAS MY PLAN TO CALL AS LITTLE ATTENTION TO MYSELF AS POSSIBLE

491. FROM HERE ON OUT.

492. IT LANDED ON MY WANK.

493. MY WANK HAS THE KEY.

494. THAT WAS THE PLAN ANYWAY.

495. HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING A WANK?

496. NO.

497. I SAW A DIRTY MOVIE ABOUT A GIRL WHO HAD A WANK.

498. SHE LOOKED LIKE A BOY WITH FAKE TITS.

499. WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING?

500. JUST MOMENTS AGO, ATHLETIC SUPPLIER MONROCO ISSUED A MASSIVE RECALL

501. OF THEIR LATEST FITNESS PRODUCT,

502. AB-SOLVER.

503. AT THIS TIME,

504. I WANT TO SAY THAT THE MONROE CORPORATION

505. IS DEEPLY TROUBLED

506. BY THE LOSS OF LIFE THAT HAS OCCURRED.

507. IT SLOWLY DAWNED ON ME

508. THAT I MAY HAVE MADE A MISTAKE.

509. I DIDN'T KNOW P.J. MONROE WAS CONTEMPLATING

510. THE LATEST RISK ASSESSMENT WARNING FROM LEGAL

511. WHEN I PAID HIM A VISIT.

512. I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS SURPRISED TO LEARN

513. AFTER MONTHS OF EXHAUSTIVE TESTING,

514. PRODUCT SAFETY HAD DETERMINED THAT PEOPLE WHO EXERCISE SWEAT.

515. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SWEAT,

516. WHEN COMBINED WITH AN UN-GROUND ELECTRICAL CURRENT,

517. CAN RESULT

518. IN WHAT THE BOYS IN THE LAB NICKNAMED A "BELLY FIRE,"

519. BUT I DID KNOW P.J. MONROE WAS DISTRACTED,

520. AND NOT THINKING CLEARLY THAT DAY.

521. THE POTENTIAL DANGERS OF THE AB-SOLVER

522. WERE SOMEHOW FAR FROM HIS MIND.

523. YOU ARE NOT MY SON.

524. I DIDN'T TEACH YOU TO TREAT WOMEN THAT WAY.

525. WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

526. ARE YOU INSANE?

527. I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

528. I DON'T THINK THIS IS WHAT DELORES HAD IN MIND

529. WHEN SHE SAID, "RESPONSIBILITY IS FUN."

530. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

531. MEANWHILE, RUBE WAS TAP DANCING

532. ABOUT AN AFTERLIFE FUCK-UP WITH THE AB-SOLVERS.

533. A LITTLE OFF-GUARD TODAY.

534. THERE'S JUST A BIT OF A BACKLOG,

535. AND I APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

536. I APOLOGIZE.

537. IT'S...

538. THIS IS JUST TERRIBLY EMBARRASSING.

539. LOOK, UH...

540. BEFORE YOU GO ANYWHERE,

541. I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE NAME OF SOMEBODY

542. WHO IS MAGIC, JUST DOES WONDERS.

543. YOU'LL BE HAPPY.

544. I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING.

545. YO, I HAD THIS ONE DUDE

546. AND HE HAD THESE ELECTRICAL BELTS

547. ALL OVER HIS BODY

548. AND, I DON'T KNOW,

549. HE LOOKED LIKE THE BIONIC MAN,

550. BIONIC WOMAN,

551. SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, WHATEVER THAT SHIT IS.

552. I DON'T KNOW WHY THESE PEOPLE DO THIS.

553. YOU KNOW THAT LADY ON THREE'S COMPANY

554. WITH THE BIG TITTIES?

555. I DID HER THING.

556. HER, UM, BUTT BLASTER ASS MASTER...

557. WHATEVER. ANYWAY, I LOOKED RIDICULOUS.

558. ARE YOU HIGH?

559. I HAVE GOT ILLEGALS IN MY BOTTOM.

560. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?

561. YOU'RE TAKING THIS AWFULLY HARD.

562. I JUST FEEL REALLY BAD

563. ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE THAT HAD TO DIE...

564. ACCIDENTALLY.

565. OH, IS THAT IT?

566. I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU SAW THE NEWS

567. AND WERE FEELING SHITTY ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.

568. PULLED THE WRONG PIECE OUT OF THE JENGA TOWER, LITTLE GIRL.

569. YOU KNOW WHAT A HICCUP IS? YES.

570. YOU GOT YOURSELF A HICCUP.

571. SOMETHING HAPPENS THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

572. SYSTEM HAS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT SOMETHING IS

573. AND FIX IT.

574. P.J. MONROE.

575. I'M SORRY.

576. WHAT DID YOU DO? SLASH HIS TIRES?

577. HAVE HIM ARRESTED?

578. I JUST TALKED TO HIM.

579. MUST HAVE BEEN SOME CONVERSATION.

580. I GUESS.

581. I HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT.

582. YOU GOT THE HOTS FOR THE GUY OR SOMETHING?

583. NO.

584. DID HE GIVE YOU SOME MONEY?

585. NO.

586. HELP ME OUT.

587. I JUST...

588. WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD DO IT.

589. I NEED SOMEBODY TO GIVE ME LESSONS

590. ON HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU, PEANUT,

591. BECAUSE I'M AT A LOSS.

592. THE COIN'S IN THE SLOT AND THE GUMBALL'S ON ITS WAY

593. AND I'M PLUM OUT OF WISDOM.

594. I'D START SLEEPING WITH THE LIGHTS ON IF I WERE YOU.

595. I DIDN'T KNOW IF THAT WAS A THREAT OR A WARNING.

596. RUBE WASHED HIS HANDS OF ME,

597. BUT THAT DIDN'T MEAN I WAS OFF THE HOOK.

598. IT ONLY GOT WORSE.

599. I BROKE THE RULES.

600. THE GRAVELINGS DECLARED HUNTING SEASON ON MY ASS.

601. OW!

602. RUBE WAS ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR US

603. UP TO A POINT.

604. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

605. DO I LOOK LIKE I OWN RUBBER SHEETS?

606. YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR.

607. YOU'RE NOT MAKING ME SLEEP ON THE FLOOR, ARE YOU?

608. SURE I AM. SURE I AM.

609. YOU GET A PILLOW.

610. THAT'S A NICE PILLOW.

611. SLEEP TIGHT.

612. IT WAS SAD TO REALIZE HE'D HAVE MY BACK,

613. IF I HADN'T ALREADY TURNED IT ON HIM.

614. I'M PUTTING A PAN NEXT TO YOUR HEAD FOR THROW-UP.

615. IT'S RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR HEAD.

616. YOU CAN'T MISS IT.

617. THE BURDEN OF SPREADING DISEASE

618. DIDN'T REST SOLELY ON CRYSTAL'S SHOULDERS.

619. AFTER ALL,

620. THERE'S LOTS OF WAYS TO SPREAD DISEASE.

621. OH!

622. OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

623. OW! FUCKER!

624. SHIT.

625. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU USED THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE, MILLIE.

626. I DON'T.

627. IT JUST REALLY HURT.

628. WELL, IT'S A VERY AGGRESSIVE WORD.

629. I KNOW.

630. IT'S JUST...

631. I WON'T SAY IT AGAIN. I'M SORRY.

632. SEE HOW RED IT IS?

633. MAYBE YOU'D BETTER GET SOME ICE ON THAT.

634. ALL AROUND ME, THE BRIDGES WERE BURNING.

635. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN POISONED.

636. HAVE YOU BEEN POISONED?

637. NO, NOT ON PURPOSE.

638. I HAD SOME BAD SALMON ONCE.

639. I DON'T TOUCH THE STUFF ANYMORE.

640. WAS IT SALMON MOUSSE?

641. I DON'T KNOW. IT WAS CANNED.

642. MORNING. MORNING.

643. WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?

644. WELL, BECAUSE IF I STAY, YOU'LL PUT ME IN A BAD MOOD,

645. AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY AND I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A BAD MOOD.

646. DO YOU NOT LIKE ME ANYMORE?

647. WELL, NOT RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

648. YOU'RE A CONSTIPATOR, PEANUT.

649. YOU DISTURB MY SHIT AND THAT'S ANNOYING.

650. I THINK YOU'RE MARVELOUS.

651. THIS IS NOT YOUR ROLE MODEL.

652. IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

653. I'M REALLY SORRY.

654. AND YOU'LL BE REALLY SORRY UNTIL I FORGIVE YOU

655. OR UNTIL YOU DECIDE TO STOP DOING THE STUPID THINGS YOU DO

656. THAT MAKE YOU SORRY.

657. HAVEN'T YOU EVER TRIED TO SAVE ANYBODY? NO.

658. HAVE YOU?

659. I NEED TO BE UNCONSCIOUS.

660. I KNOW I PISS YOU OFF,

661. BUT YOU PISS ME OFF TOO.

662. OH, I PISS YOU OFF?

663. WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR YOU TO ACCEPT EVERYTHING THE WAY IT IS?

664. WHY DON'T YOU ASK ANY QUESTIONS?

665. WELL, BECAUSE I'M NOT THAT CURIOUS.

666. IF YOU DON'T GET THIS RIGHT,

667. SOMEONE'S GOING TO DROP ANOTHER TOILET SEAT ON YOUR HEAD,

668. AND THAT'LL BE THAT.

669. GIVE THIS TO ROXY WHEN SHE SHOWS UP.

670. HERE, I'VE GOT SOMETHING.

671. BUY YOURSELF A WAFFLE.

672. CHERRY ON TOP.

673. DO YOU THINK I'M A CONSTIPATOR?

674. HEED HIS ADVICE AND STAY ON HIS GOOD SIDE.

675. HE'S LIKE A VOLCANO, GEORGE.

676. HE ERUPTS, AND HE SPEWS LAVA,

677. AND ALL THE LITTLE VILLAGERS, THEY RUN AROUND FOR THEIR LIVES,

678. BUT, YOU KNOW, HE STOPS,

679. AND YOU CAN GO BACK TO THE SAFETY OF YOUR OWN HOME.

680. HOW LONG IS HE GOING TO STAY MAD?

681. I'VE SEEN HIM STAY MAD FOR YEARS.

682. I'VE SEEN IT,

683. BUT IT'S NOT, LIKE, THIS PIT-BULL MAD.

684. IT'S LIKE THIS DISTURBING,

685. SIMMERING,

686. QUIET-RAGE MAD...

687. BUT HE LIKES YOU, GEORGE.

688. HE'LL STAY MAD FOR LESS TIME.

689. DAYS?

690. WEEKS?

691. WHAT WAS THAT OTHER ONE? AFTER THAT ONE?

692. MONTHS? YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

693. HI.

694. HI.

695. WHY AREN'T YOU AT WORK?

696. I CALLED IN SICK.

697. COME IN.

698. I HAVE TO GO WASH MY HANDS.

699. NO, YOU DON'T.

700. I HAVE DIRT UNDER MY FINGERNAILS.

701. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.

702. COME IN AND SIT DOWN.

703. WHAT'S WITH THAT BIRD, REGGIE?

704. YOU DIDN'T KILL IT, DID YOU?

705. I FOUND HER LIKE THAT.

706. ANY OTHER DEAD ANIMALS IN THE HOUSE I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

707. NO.

708. KEEPING A DEAD ANIMAL IN YOUR TOY BOX

709. IS SOMETHING A CRAZY PERSON WOULD DO.

710. I'M NOT CRAZY.

711. THE GARBAGE MAN WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE IT.

712. I HAD TO CALL ANIMAL CONTROL AND THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT

713. BEFORE SOMEONE WOULD PICK IT UP.

714. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?

715. I DON'T LIKE WHERE WE'RE HEADED.

716. I DON'T.

717. I HATE IT SO MUCH.

718. I LOVE YOU, REGGIE.

719. EVERY TIME I TALK TO YOU,

720. I FEEL LIKE WE'RE THESE LITTLE RATS IN A CAGE

721. AND WE KEEP TOUCHING THAT GODDAMN BAR

722. AND WE KEEP GETTING SHOCKED

723. AND WE DON'T...

724. F-ING LEARN.

725. DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU TIRED?

726. BECAUSE I'M TIRED.

727. YOU MISSED ME, MOTHERFUCKER!

728. DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?

729. DID YOU SEE THAT THING FALL DOWN?

730. YOU HAVE A FLAT TIRE.

731. I DIDN'T DO NOTHING.

732. I WALKED OUT MY TRUCK, THE SHIT FELL DOWN.

733. MAY I HAVE SOME JUICE?

734. THESE LITTLE BRATS EGGED MY CAR,

735. AND I WAS GOING TO BEAT THEIR ASS, BUT...

736. THEN THIS BITCH COMES UP TO ME.

737. $25 TICKET.

738. SO? PAY THE DAMN TICKET.

739. THIS HAS BEEN A FUCKED-UP WEEK.

740. IN THAT MOMENT,

741. I UNDERSTOOD ROXY MORE THAN I EVER DID BEFORE.

742. A PIECE OF THE PUZZLE HAD JUST FALLEN INTO PLACE.

743. IT WAS LIKE FINDING OUT

744. SOMEONE'S PARENTS ARE PSYCHIATRISTS

745. OR RAISED CATHOLIC.

746. ROXY HAD AN EVEN SHITTIER JOB THAN ME.

747. I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE PUT UP WITH IT.

748. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT J.H. ARNOLD WAS THE SUNSHINE

749. AFTER A LONG, DARK NIGHT OF ASSHOLES.

750. I DIDN'T KNOW HE GREETED HIS TICKET WITH A SMILE

751. AND SAID, "YOU GOT ME."

752. I DIDN'T KNOW HE SHARED HIS FAVORITE CANDY,

753. A CANDY HIS SILVER-HAIRED MOTHER IN ATHENS, GEORGIA

754. SHIPPED TO HIM SPECIAL ON BIRTHDAYS AND HOLIDAYS,

755. AND I DIDN'T KNOW SHE GOT HIS NAME ON A POST-IT

756. ALMOST A YEAR TO THE DAY

757. AFTER THEIR BRIEF BUT FATEFUL MEETING...

758. BUT I DO KNOW THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT HIM

759. SHE THOUGHT WAS WORTH SAVING,

760. BECAUSE SHE CHANGED HIS FATE.

761. I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT SHE DID.

762. EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE HER BREATH SMELL LIKE ASS,

763. IT WAS THE PEANUT POPPIES THAT WON HER OVER.

764. SHE'D NEVER ADMIT IT,

765. SO THERE WAS NO POINT IN ASKING.

766. I SAW THE WORDS COMING OUT OF HER MOUTH.

767. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD COMING OUT OF HER HEAD.

768. YOU'VE GOT A FLAT TIRE.

769. I HEARD YOU.

770. IS ONE OF THOSE MINE?

771. THANK YOU.

772. SO I BOUGHT CRYSTAL A PRESENT.

773. A SHOE GIFT-WRAPPED IN DOG TURD.

774. I'D BEEN BITCH-SLAPPED BY FATE.

775. BUT DOES THAT MAKE ME FATE'S BITCH?

776. THEY SAY IF YOU MESS WITH THE BULL,

777. YOU GET THE HORNS,

778. BUT WHAT IF THE BULL

779. HUNG THAT LITTLE CAPE OVER YOUR SHOULDERS

780. AND SAID RED WAS YOUR COLOR?

781. I COULD EASILY REPLACE THE LIGHT BULB,

782. BUT THE SMELL OF DOG SHIT UNDER HER DESK

783. WAS GOING TO LINGER.

784. WHETHER IT BE WRESTLING WITH FATE

785. OR ENGAGING IN THE ART OF WAR,

786. SOMETIMES A CEASE-FIRE IS NECESSARY.

787. AFTER A LONG, PROTRACTED BATTLE,

788. WAS I FINALLY FORGING AN ALLY?

789. MAYBE FATE DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE THE LAST WORD.

790. MAYBE FATE DOESN'T WANT THE LAST WORD.

791. THE FIRST STEP IN TAXIDERMY

792. IS TO HAVE YOUR WIRES MEASURED AND CUT.

793. ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO HOLD THE SPECIMEN.

794. GENTLY PULL THE TIPS OF THE WINGS

795. TO FULL EXTENSION

796. WHILE YOUR PARTNER THREADS THE WIRE

797. BETWEEN THE BONE AND THE FEATHERS,

798. STARTING WITH THE SCAPULARS,

799. THROUGH THE COVERTS,

800. AND INTO THE CONTOUR FEATHERS.

801. YOUR FEATHERWORK, AND ATTENTION TO DETAIL,

802. IS WHAT MAKES YOUR MOUNT LOOK...

803. ALIVE.

804. PENNE WITH MUSHROOMS, NORTHERN ITALIAN-STYLE,

805. A PINCH OF TARRAGON, LIGHT ON THE OIL,

806. TOUCH OF VERMOUTH...

807. I USE THE QUADY VYA.

808. EXTRA DRY.

809. NOT THAT CHEAP DOMESTIC CRAP.