Dead Like Me 1x3

1. EVERYBODY DIES.

2. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

3. I'M TOLD I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO ARGUE, OR QUESTION,

4. OR EVEN TRY TO UNDERSTAND.

5. I'M TOLD A LOT THESE DAYS,

6. EVER SINCE MY LIFE WAS SNUFFED OUT

7. BY A TOILET SEAT,

8. AND I'VE JOINED THE RANKS OF THE UNDEAD.

9. THIS IS RUBE.

10. HE'S MY BOSS. HE'S UNDEAD TOO.

11. HE'S THE ONE WHO GETS THE LIST,

12. WHO'S TO DIE, WHEN AND WHERE,

13. WHICH HE PASSES ON TO THE REST OF US GRIM REAPERS.

14. THIS IS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE TO THE LIVING.

15. HOLY SHIT.

16. MY NAME IS GEORGE LASS.

17. I TAKE SOULS FOR A LIVING.

18. THIS WAS MY HOME,

19. AND THIS WAS MY FAMILY.

20. DAD, REGGIE, MOM.

21. THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLE COPING.

22. HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS HER?

23. I ONLY TOOK ONE.

24. DO I HAVE TO GO TO THERAPY?

25. I DON'T THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS.

26. BE PATIENT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

27. YOU'RE LEARNING.

28. YOU'VE GOT TO THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS YOU LIKE,

29. AND DECIDE WHETHER THEY'RE WORTH STICKING AROUND FOR,

30. AND IF THEY ARE, YOU FIND A WAY TO DO THIS.

31. AND WHAT IF I DON'T?

32. THEN YOU GO AWAY.

33. THE AVERAGE HEART BEATS ABOUT 4,300 TIMES AN HOUR.

34. THAT'S 800,000 TIMES A WEEK...

35. NINE MILLION TIMES A CRISP FALL,

36. AND 2.7 BILLION BEATS IN A LIFETIME.

37. WELL, WHAT IS AN "AVERAGE" HEART, ANYWAY,

38. AND HOW MANY BEATS DO BROKEN HEARTS GET?

39. IF I HAD TO CHOOSE

40. BETWEEN BEING A HEART OR A BRAIN,

41. I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE A HEART,

42. BECAUSE AT LEAST YOU DO SOMETHING.

43. IF YOU'RE A BRAIN,

44. AT THE END OF THE DAY,

45. ALL YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT

46. IS SETTLING FOR SHITTY SITUATIONS.

47. HERE. THANK YOU.

48. WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

49. I DON'T KNOW.

50. MAYBE ONE OF THEM HAD TO GO MAKE A SISSY.

51. HEY. CUSTOMER.

52. SIR! PLEASE DON'T BUY GAS HERE, OKAY?

53. THERE'S ANOTHER GAS STATION

54. JUST THREE MILES DOWN THE ROAD.

55. THIS BEAR SHOULD BE SET FREE.

56. WHAT IF THIS WAS YOUR MOTHER IN THIS CAGE? YEAH, YOUR MOTHER.

57. OKAY, THIS BEAR IS DEPRESSED

58. AND IT WILL DIE IF...

59. HEY, HEY, HEY. PLEASE DON'T BUY GAS HERE.

60. DON'T BUY GAS HERE, PLEASE.

61. WHAT'S THE NAME?

62. R. LUBER.

63. YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE WITH ME.

64. DO I REALLY NEED A CHAPERON?

65. YEAH, ACTUALLY. YES, YOU DO.

66. HOW'S YOUR APARTMENT WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

67. FINE.

68. YOU NEED TO GET A SLICKER.

69. SHINY RUBBER'S THE BEST. YOU CAN HOSE IT DOWN.

70. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A FIREMAN,

71. A TRENCH IS ALL RIGHT,

72. BUT YOU'VE GOT TO SCOTCHGARD THE HECK OUT OF IT.

73. DO YOU REALLY CARE HOW IT'S GOING WITH ME?

74. SURE.

75. I MAKE MY FACE LOOK LIKE THIS,

76. AND THE CONCERNED WORDS COME OUT.

77. SO, HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH ONE IS LUBER?

78. A LITTLE TRICK I USE.

79. WHO'S R. LUBER? SLICK.

80. WHO ARE YOU?

81. WE'RE FROM THE NORTHWEST ASSOCIATION

82. FOR THE PREVENTION OF WILD ANIMAL ABUSE.

83. OH, YEAH?

84. YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF NWAPWAA?

85. YEAH. YOU AND YOUR CREW

86. ARE DOING A FINE THING HERE.

87. I JUST WANT TO SHAKE YOUR HANDS.

88. THANK YOU.

89. THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

90. THANK YOU.

91. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

92. YEAH, YOU'RE WELCOME. COME ON.

93. UM...

94. GOOD JOB.

95. WE'RE GOING.

96. YEAH, I SEE. I GET IT. OKAY.

97. YEAH, THANKS FOR NOTHING.

98. YOU SEE THAT?

99. SEE, PEOPLE JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE, YOU KNOW?

100. I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR SIX DAYS.

101. YOU FUCKING HICKS JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

102. CAN YOU GET US ANY PRESS?

103. WHAT'S WITH THE TRASH BAG?

104. IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU GUYS NEED, UH...

105. CHEESEBURGERS...

106. SHE'S JUST KIDDING.

107. GIVE US A CALL.

108. AW, SHIT.

109. YOU'RE LATE. SORRY.

110. YOU NEED A SLICKER.

111. NOW SHE OWNS THAT FACE.

112. THAT'S WHY YOU POP THE SOUL BEFORE THEY DIE.

113. AM I REALLY, REALLY DEAD?

114. REALLY, REALLY.

115. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?

116. I THOUGHT YOU WERE INTO JOANIE.

117. THAT WAS JUST TO PISS OFF MY PARENTS.

118. I COMPLETELY THOUGHT YOU WERE HOT.

119. WE COULD HAVE BEEN DOING IT ALL THIS TIME.

120. YEAH.

121. LATE AGAIN...

122. BUT WHAT AM I REALLY LATE FOR?

123. THE MARKETING TEAM'S LATEST PORN RECREATION

124. OF CASSIE FROM HUMAN RESOURCES NAKED,

125. WITH AREOLAS SCANNED FROM A POLAROID

126. OF JOE'S WIFE NURSING THEIR NEW BABY?

127. FRANK FROM E-COMMERCE'S GOING-AWAY PARTY?

128. BARBARA'S UNDERGROUND MOVEMENT TO INSTITUTE CASUAL FRIDAYS.

129. ONE DESPERATE ATTEMPT AFTER ANOTHER

130. TO FIND SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH SOMEONE ELSE,

131. AND THEN CLING.

132. "HEY, YOU HAVE 10 FINGERS?

133. "I HAVE 10 FINGERS! LET'S BE FRIENDS!

134. "WE'LL MAKE RULES AND SLOGANS,

135. "AND THEN IF WE FIND SOMEONE WITH NINE FINGERS,

136. WE CAN BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THEM."

137. IT BOTHERED ME SHE WAS IN MY WORKSPACE.

138. IT BOTHERED ME MORE THAT I HAD STARTED TO FEEL

139. SOME CONNECTION TO THREE FELT-COVERED WALLS

140. AND A CHAIR THAT SMELLED LIKE PINE SOL

141. WHEN IT WARMED TO MY BODY TEMPERATURE.

142. UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

143. ARE YOU JUST GETTING IN?

144. LOOKS THAT WAY.

145. THE PASSWORD'S "RIMJOB," IF YOU WANT TO GET ON.

146. I'M THE SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR.

147. I DON'T THINK I NEED A PASSWORD,

148. AND I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE LATE.

149. WHAT KIND OF UNIVERSE WOULD GIVE ME THE POWER

150. TO EXTRACT SOULS FROM PEOPLE'S BODIES,

151. BUT STILL FORCE ME TO KEEP A SUCK-ASS JOB

152. IF I WANT TO EAT?

153. I'M SORRY.

154. I GUESS I'M JUST STILL SHAKEN UP ABOUT THE...

155. CAR ACCIDENT.

156. OH, MY! ARE YOU HURT?

157. I, UH, CLOT FAST.

158. I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF.

159. REALLY?

160. OF COURSE. GO HOME.

161. THANK YOU.

162. WHY "RIMJOB"?

163. IT WAS THE NAME OF MY HAMSTER GROWING UP.

164. MY GRANDFATHER'S CAT WAS NAMED "ODD-JOB".

165. WOW.

166. I WISH PEOPLE WERE MORE COMPLICATED,

167. BUT THEY'RE NOT.

168. UH, DOLORES?

169. AM I STILL GOING TO GET PAID FOR TODAY

170. IF I GO HOME?

171. ACTUALLY...

172. SO DOLORES LENT ME HER SOFTBALL SHIRT,

173. WHICH WASN'T SO BAD,

174. EXCEPT THAT HUMAN BEINGS HAVE EYEBALLS...

175. HEY.

176. AND MOUTHS.

177. ARE YOU JOINING THE HEFFALUMPS?

178. MAYBE IT WAS THE UNIFORM,

179. BUT IT DID MAKE ME WONDER...

180. SALT.

181. WHAT TEAM WAS I ON?

182. AND ALWAYS BE NICE TO THAT LADY AT THE DMV.

183. I TOLD THAT BITCH THAT HER WEAVE LOOKED LIKE CARPET,

184. AND NOW MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER

185. PULLS UP TWO BANKRUPTCIES.

186. SEE? DON'T "SEE" ME.

187. THAT SHIT'S A MAJOR VIOLATION.

188. SO, STILL LOVING YOUR DAY JOB, PEANUT?

189. I DON'T KNOW.

190. REMIND ME.

191. OFFICE ASSISTANT.

192. YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE BRECK-GIRL THING HAPPENING.

193. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

194. IT MEANS YOU GOT TOO MUCH STUFF ON YOUR FACE.

195. FUCKABLE'S PROMOTABLE.

196. ANYONE WANT TICKETS TO A HOCKEY GAME?

197. OOH, WHEN? SEVENTH, EIGHTH, NINTH.

198. DUKE. TWO TICKETS?

199. YEP, AND BLUE LINE,

200. AND PARKING PASS TOO, I THINK.

201. DUKE.

202. WHO'S "DUKE?"

203. PIERROT LE DUC.

204. TOOK A PUCK TO THE HEAD LAST NIGHT.

205. CONCUSSIVE BRAIN INJURY?

206. ASPHYXIATION. NO.

207. DIDN'T HAVE ANY TEETH TO STOP THE THING.

208. WHERE'D YOU GET THE TICKETS?

209. HIS WIDOW.

210. HOW DO YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY TEETH?

211. NOW, NOW.

212. REGGIE, ARE YOU EVEN READY YET—

213. TAKE THAT OFF.

214. WHY? YOU KNOW WHY.

215. THAT'S THE DRESS MY SISTER WORE

216. TO MY FUNERAL.

217. I LIKE THIS.

218. YOU HAVE OTHER CLOTHES.

219. AND THOSE ARE MY PAJAMAS.

220. SAME STOCKINGS, SAME SHOES.

221. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE MY PICTURE TAKEN.

222. YOU'RE LUCKY WE'RE NOT DOING THIS WITH MY MOTHER.

223. SHE USED TO MAKE US PRACTICE SMILING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR

224. BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE.

225. THAT'S BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR SMILE.

226. DID SHE TELL YOU THAT?

227. YEAH. SHE SAID IT WAS FAKE.

228. THAT BITCH.

229. OH, YEAH.

230. SEE? THAT'S SO PRETTY.

231. YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A SWEATER.

232. NO, I WON'T.

233. DID YOU FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK? NO.

234. OH, GOD.

235. IN EIGHTH GRADE,

236. DANNY BERKOFF TOLD ME

237. THAT IF YOU DROPPED A PENNY OFF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING,

238. IT COULD KILL SOMEONE.

239. THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS.

240. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, BUT I STILL HAVE TO TRY IT.

241. GOING HOME WAS FUCKED UP, BUT I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.

242. I DIDN'T GIVE A GERBIL'S ASS ABOUT ALL THIS CRAP

243. WHEN I WAS ALIVE.

244. NOW IT ALL SEEMED SUDDENLY PRECIOUS.

245. I REMEMBER PLAYING WITH THIS DOLL

246. IN THE BACKYARD SANDBOX THAT SMELLED LIKE CAT PISS.

247. I REMEMBER INVITING HER TO MY SIXTH BIRTHDAY PARTY,

248. TAKING HER WITH ME TO OUR SUMMERS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE.

249. WE NEVER WENT TO NEW HAMPSHIRE.

250. ALL RIGHT,

251. I'LL HAVE YOU STAND RIGHT THERE.

252. UH, I PREFER TO BE HERE. OH, OKAY.

253. SWEETIE, WHY DON'T YOU COME RIGHT IN HERE?

254. OH, YOU LOOK SO GOOD.

255. ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO, GUYS.

256. AND WHEATIES.

257. I NEVER KNEW MUCH ABOUT MY SISTER,

258. BUT I DO REMEMBER SHE HATED MATH.

259. HEY, REGGIE. REGGIE, RIGHT HERE. COME ON.

260. GIVE TO MONTY. GIVE TO MONTY.

261. HAPPY EVERYONE. HAPPY.

262. SMILE, REGGIE. SMILE.

263. BEFORE I LEFT, I NEEDED TO GRAB SOME CLEAN UNDIES

264. FROM MY OLD BEDROOM.

265. SHIT.

266. GOD BLESS MY MOM.

267. IF SHE EVER PUT A BULLET THROUGH HER HEAD, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE LABELED.

268. WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND MY PARENTS WOULD GO OUT

269. AND LEAVE US WITH A BABYSITTER,

270. I WOULD SNEAK INTO MY MOM'S CLOSET,

271. PRESS HER DRESSES TO MY FACE,

272. AND BREATHE HER IN AS CLOSE AS I COULD...

273. BUT THERE'S ONE SMELL I DIDN'T REALIZE I'D MISS SO MUCH.

274. MY OWN.

275. DAMMIT, GEORGIA, WOULD YOU GET OFF YOUR ASS

276. AND GIVE ME A HAND?

277. MOM?

278. DON'T LET THE CAT OUT.

279. REGGIE, THOSE ARE STILL CLEAN. HANG THEM UP.

280. I'LL PROBABLY MISS DINNER.

281. I'M SO GLAD WE SPENT ALL THAT MONEY ON YOUR HOME OFFICE.

282. IT'S MID-TERMS.

283. YOU JUST HAD TO HAVE THAT AERON CHAIR

284. AND THAT PENTIUM WHATEVER.

285. SO LET THE GIRLS USE IT.

286. WHOOPS.

287. SHE CAN DO HER HOMEWORK IN THERE.

288. NICE SAVE.

289. MY CELL PHONE'S ON.

290. FUCK.

291. REGGIE, WOULD YOU PLEASE GO GET THAT GODDAMN SWEATER?

292. YOU KNOW THE STORY OF THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA?

293. IT WAS BASED ON MY MOM.

294. I THINK OF CATS, STRAY CATS.

295. IF YOU KEEP PUTTING OUT THE FOOD,

296. THEY'LL KEEP COMING BACK.

297. IF THINKING ABOUT YOUR SISTER IS PAINFUL,

298. THEN YOU HAVE TO DECIDE NOT TO.

299. IT'S UP TO YOU, AND I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

300. MOM? YES?

301. I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WERE STILL THERE.

302. DO YOU STILL WEAR CLOTHES?

303. WHERE DO YOU LIVE NOW?

304. OW.

305. CAN I GET 10 FINGERS?

306. THE NAILS.

307. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

308. SAP'S A BITCH.

309. WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

310. IS THERE SOME KIND OF TRICK?

311. I MEAN, AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE TREE'S SOUL

312. AND ASK IT TO CLIMB ITSELF AND GET THE GUY DOWN?

313. HERE. NO WAY.

314. WOW. IT MOVED.

315. OH, SHIT. OW!

316. YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL.

317. CAN YOU TAKE TREES' SOULS?

318. DO TREES HAVE SOULS?

319. DON'T KNOW. WHAT ABOUT ANIMALS?

320. OR ROCKS?

321. OR WHAT IF YOU TRIED TO TAKE A SOUL'S SOUL?

322. DON'T YOU EVER WONDER ABOUT THIS STUFF?

323. I ASKED RUBE ONCE.

324. NICE.

325. HE SAYS THAT YOU JUST DON'T DO IT,

326. SO I DON'T.

327. I WENT HOME.

328. EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO HOME,

329. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.

330. NOBODY SAW ME.

331. IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM. IT'S ABOUT YOU.

332. IT'S WHAT YOU SEE.

333. SWIPE ANYTHING?

334. IT'S VERY TEMPTING TO THINK THAT THE LITTLE JEWELS FROM OUR LIVES

335. WILL BRING IT ALL BACK,

336. BUT THEY DON'T.

337. YOU CAN'T GO BACK.

338. ARE YOU GOING TO TELL RUBE?

339. WHERE'S BETTY?

340. BABYSITTING.

341. I NEVER HAD A BABYSITTER.

342. THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU DIDN'T NEED ONE.

343. I'M GOING TO GET A PET BIRD.

344. DON'T GET A BIRD.

345. WHY NOT?

346. BECAUSE THEY'RE WEIRD.

347. MAN, I CAN'T RELATE TO A BIRD.

348. THEY'RE SO FAR REMOVED.

349. THEY'VE GOT DIFFERENT CHROMOSOMES,

350. AND THEY COME FROM EGGS.

351. THEY'VE GOT FACES.

352. SO DO COCKROACHES.

353. MAN, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH A BIRD?

354. STICK IT IN A CAGE AND FEED IT.

355. WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO DO?

356. WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD AT LEAST GET ONE YOU CAN EAT.

357. I'M GOING TO GET A FRIEND.

358. I'M NOT GOING TO EAT MY FRIEND.

359. THEY HAVE BRAINS THE SIZE OF PISTACHIOS.

360. IT'S NOT SMART ENOUGH TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

361. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

362. I SAW THIS SPECIAL ON PBS CALLED ANIMAL MIRACLES,

363. AND THEY DID A DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT

364. ABOUT A GUY BEING ROBBED,

365. AND HE HAD A PARROT OR A COCKATIEL OR SOMETHING,

366. AND THAT BIRD LOST ITS SHIT WHEN ITS OWNER WAS ATTACKED.

367. IT OPENED UP ITS CAGE—

368. THEN WHY PUT IT IN A CAGE?

369. WHERE ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT IT?

370. IT OPENED UP ITS CAGE

371. AND WENT CRAZY,

372. PECKED OUT THE ROBBER'S EYES,

373. SCRATCHED HIS FACE UP LIKE HE WAS TIPPI HEDREN OR SOME SHIT,

374. AND DON'T YOU TELL ME THAT'S NOT FRIENDSHIP.

375. HOW BIG WAS THIS PARROT?

376. I DON'T KNOW. PARROT-SIZE.

377. WELL, A PARROT CAN'T TAKE ON A FULL-GROWN MAN

378. UNLESS THAT MAN IS A BIG PUSSY.

379. I DIDN'T SAY THE PARROT WON.

380. THE ROBBER STABBED IT WITH A FORK AND KILLED ITS OWNER.

381. THE BIRD'S DEAD.

382. SO WHY ARE YOU GETTING A BIRD?

383. IT'S NOT ABOUT HOMELAND SECURITY,

384. YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

385. I'M GOING TO GET A FRIEND.

386. JESUS.

387. SHE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE LOOKING FOR A FRIEND.

388. SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

389. I WAS KIND OF HOPING YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME.

390. OH, YOU'RE TALKING TO HER.

391. I MEAN, BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO GET DINNER OR SOMETHING...

392. DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT I'M JUST NOT UP

393. TO THE WHOLE BONDING, BUDDY-GIRL THING, OKAY?

394. HARD TO THINK WHAT THE WRONG WAY TO TAKE THAT WOULD BE.

395. HEY, I DON'T WANT TO BOND EITHER.

396. I'M JUST HUNGRY.

397. IS THAT...

398. THE GREAT... WHATEVER.

399. SHUT UP...

400. THIS IS BILL BRIGHT REPORTING FROM ROUTE SEVEN.

401. CONTROVERSY CONTINUES TO BUILD

402. OVER THE DECISION TO PUT DOWN THE BEAR.

403. ANIMAL CONTROL HAS SAID IT'S A MATTER OF POLICY,

404. BUT DORA'S SUPPORTERS CONTEND

405. THAT THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOT BE PUT TO DEATH

406. FOR FOLLOWING ITS NATURAL INSTINCTS

407. WHEN IT KILLED TWO HUNGER STRIKERS...

408. CHRIS, ALLY...

409. ARE YOU ROBBING ME?

410. NO. THERE'S NOTHING TO FUCKING ROB.

411. I WAS DREAMING ABOUT FROGS.

412. REAL ONES OR LIKE KERMIT?

413. REAL ONES.

414. I SAW A MOVIE ABOUT FROGS.

415. THEY GOT PISSED

416. AND ATE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ON AN ISLAND.

417. I THINK IT WAS CALLED FROGS.

418. WERE THEY BAD PEOPLE?

419. NO, NO. THEY LITTERED OR SOMETHING.

420. I ONLY LIKE IT WHEN ONLY BAD PEOPLE DIE.

421. I LIKE IT WHEN NOBODY DIES SO I DON'T HAVE TO WORK.

422. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF EVERYBODY DIED?

423. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

424. LIKE, IF WE WERE THE ONLY ONES LEFT?

425. OH, YOU MEAN LIKE

426. IF THE FROGS ATE EVERYONE ON THE PLANET?

427. YEAH.

428. I RECKON WE'D BE SHOVELING A LOT OF FROG SHIT.

429. DID YOU SHOVEL FROG SHIT IN YOUR DREAM?

430. NO.

431. A FROG WAS CARRYING ME ON HIS BACK

432. OVER A RIVER OF LAVA.

433. A FROG?

434. YEAH.

435. I HAVE TO GO.

436. I'VE GOT A BUSINESS MEETING.

437. GOT TO GET OUR DUCKS IN A ROW,

438. FINE-TUNE THE LANGUAGE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

439. YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD DO SOMETHING WITH THIS PLACE.

440. I'VE BEEN IN CRACK HOUSES WITH MORE STYLE.

441. DO YOU NEED THIS BACK?

442. NO.

443. CHEERS.

444. HELLO?

445. HI. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GOT THE E-MAIL,

446. BUT HARRY F. IN WEB DESIGN IS MOVING TO CORPORATE.

447. WE'RE ALL MEETING IN HERE FOR CAKE.

448. I'M PRETTY SURE THEY PUT MIND-CONTROL DRUGS

449. IN THE WATER COOLER,

450. BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE EXCITED.

451. CAN YOU COVER THE PHONES?

452. MICHAEL'S ALREADY GROUP-FORWARDED TO VOICEMAIL,

453. BUT THE MAIN LINE WILL RING THROUGH TO YOUR EXTENSION.

454. OKAY?

455. YEAH.

456. LITTLE MOMENTS LIKE THAT PROVE TO ME

457. THAT THERE IS SOME KIND OF ALL-POWERFUL, ALL-KNOWING FORCE

458. THAT CONTROLS EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE,

459. AND IT'S SO FUCKING BORED,

460. IT WILL ACTUALLY TAKE TIME OUT

461. TO ORCHESTRATE A PETTY LET-DOWN LIKE THAT.

462. IT'S NOT THAT I EVEN CARED ABOUT THE CAKE,

463. OR THE CONVERSATION...

464. THE LATEST JAVA PATCH IS COMPLETELY KICK-ASS.

465. BUT I GUESS, STANDING OUTSIDE ALL THAT BULLSHIT,

466. THEY STARTED TO REALIZE HOW WARM AND SAFE

467. THAT BULLSHIT MIGHT ACTUALLY FEEL.

468. YOU KNOW, THE SAD THING HERE IS

469. THAT YOU CAN'T COME UP WITH A MORE ORIGINAL WAY TO ACT OUT.

470. I DON'T HAVE THE TELEVISION.

471. IF YOU'RE TESTING ME, REGGIE, YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE.

472. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO.

473. YOU CAN SET THE CAR ON FIRE, EAT THE CAT...

474. I WILL NOT GIVE YOU EXTRA ATTENTION

475. BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET GO OF THIS.

476. IF THERE'S ANY POETRY TO BEING A REAPER,

477. IT'S IN COMBINING THE BUSINESS OF TAKING SOULS

478. WITH THE PLEASURE OF MAKING MONEY.

479. IF YOU CAN GET A LITTLE SELF-AWARENESS TOO,

480. THEN YOU'RE THE WALT-FUCKING-WHITMAN OF REAPERS.

481. WHEN YOU DELIVER CRITICISM, ARE YOU DIRECT OR TACTFUL?

482. AM I TELLING THE TRUTH?

483. TACTFUL.

484. YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF EXCEPTIONALLY REASONABLE

485. OR EXCEPTIONALLY KIND.

486. UH...

487. EXCEPTIONALLY KIND.

488. WELL, I'M NOT PARTICULARLY REASONABLE.

489. FINE. KIND. ME TOO.

490. DO YOU TEND TO SEE THE TREES OR THE FOREST?

491. WELL, HOW MANY TREES?

492. WELL, HOW MANY YOU WANT?

493. WELL, IN CHINESE, THERE'S THIS SYMBOL THAT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE TREE

494. AND IT MEANS TREE, BUT IF THERE ARE TWO OF THEM,

495. IT MEANS FOREST, SO...

496. UH, TREES.

497. WHY? WHAT DO YOU SEE?

498. THE FOREST.

499. OKAY, HOW DO I LOOK, REALLY?

500. SWARTHY.

501. WELL, IS THAT GOOD?

502. DEPENDS IF YOU LIKE SWARTHY.

503. DO YOU LIKE SWARTHY?

504. NOT PARTICULARLY.

505. HEY, DON'T PUT ME DOWN AS TREES, OKAY?

506. OKAY.

507. GIVE ME BACK THAT BAG!

508. YOU'RE AN N.F.

509. YOU'RE AN INTUITIVE FEELER.

510. YOU TRUST YOUR INTUITION,

511. YOU YEARN FOR ROMANCE, AND YOU PRIZE MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS.

512. WHAT?

513. I BET HE'S AN INTUITIVE THINKER.

514. N.T.s ARE THE WORST.

515. I'LL TAKE THAT. CHEERS.

516. EXCUSE ME, MR. DEAD GUY?

517. ON A LONG AIRPLANE TRIP,

518. IF YOU'RE SEATED NEXT TO SOMEONE,

519. DO YOU PREFER TO MAKE CONVERSATION

520. OR READ A BOOK?

521. ONE SOUL AND $1,400 LATER, IT WAS TIME FOR LUNCH.

522. IT WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME TALK TO A HUMAN BEING.

523. I'M GOING TO CHANGE BANKS.

524. YOU HAVE TO PRESS ZERO.

525. YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW TO PRESS ZERO?

526. SOMETIMES IT'S "STAR".

527. YOU KNOW WHAT? COMPUTERS,

528. THEY'RE GOING TO, LIKE, TAKE OVER THE WHOLE WORLD.

529. NEVER HAPPEN. COMPUTERS WON'T GET SMARTER THAN PEOPLE.

530. I THINK THEY ALREADY ARE.

531. YEAH, WELL, WHEN A COMPUTER LOSES IT WITH A METER MAID—

532. NO OFFENSE— OR KILLS ITSELF

533. BECAUSE IT THINKS IT'S GETTING TOO FAT,

534. THEN I'LL BELIEVE IN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.

535. THIS JUICE TASTES FUNNY.

536. IT TASTES LIKE FRESCA.

537. HI.

538. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT?

539. YEAH. UH, BANANA BONANZA AND—

540. HEARD YOU WENT HOME AGAIN.

541. WHEAT TOAST— BIG FUCKIN' MISTAKE.

542. AND A GLASS OF WATER.

543. I'M A REASONABLE MAN, GEORGE. THAT'S WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY, RIGHT?

544. I'LL COME BACK.

545. I'M A REASONABLE MAN, GEORGE...

546. EVEN THOUGH YOU FLIPPED ME OFF.

547. YOU FRUSTRATE ME, PEANUT.

548. IF I HEAR YOU HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH YOUR OLD LIFE AGAIN,

549. YOU WILL HAVE A TORMENT COME DOWN UPON YOU

550. THAT YOU CANNOT IMAGINE.

551. CHECK, PLEASE!

552. I KNOW THAT'S SUPPOSED TO SCARE ME,

553. BUT I CAN'T THINK

554. OF ANYTHING YOU COULD DO

555. THAT'S ANY WORSE THAN WHAT'S ALREADY HAPPENED.

556. OH, I WAS ONLY JOKING. I'M SORRY.

557. WE'LL TAKE IT.

558. OH, COULD YOU ADD A GRAPEFRUIT JUICE?

559. THEN SHE'S GOT TO GO BACK.

560. SO YOU GET IT TO GO ON YOUR WAY OUT.

561. HAS ANYONE GOT TWO FIVES?

562. OH, COULD YOU COVER ME?

563. YES.

564. THIS IS FOR YOU...

565. AND YOU...

566. AND YOU...

567. AND YOU.

568. AGAIN?

569. THERE YOU GO.

570. YOU GIVE HER A RIDE.

571. CHRIS, ALLY, THEY ARE STILL WAITING FOR CONFIRMATION

572. THAT THE POWERFUL TRANQUILIZER USED TO SEDATE DORA

573. HAS TAKEN FULL EFFECT.

574. WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THE PLAN IS TO MOVE HER OUT OF THAT CAGE

575. AND INTO THAT TRAILER,

576. WHERE SHE WILL MAKE THE RIDE

577. TO ANIMAL CONTROL'S FOLDING HACILITY—

578. FUCK.

579. SORRY.

580. ALL RIGHT,

581. HOLDING FACILITY.

582. GO AGAIN.

583. CHRIS, ALLY, THEY ARE STILL WAITING...

584. SO, WHAT'S YOUR GUESS?

585. HOW DO YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

586. PROFESSOR IN THE LIBRARY WITH THE CANDLESTICK?

587. PARKING BRAKE ON THE TRUCK FAILS.

588. THE TRUCK RUNS INTO THE GAS PUMPS

589. AS THE ANTENNA TOWER SPARKS THE LIGHTS ON THE CANOPY.

590. IS IT, LIKE, A REAPER THING TO TAKE THE LONG SHOT?

591. I COULD BE GETTING SOMETHING DONE TODAY.

592. THERE'S A MAN IN A CAGE WITH A BARELY SEDATED BEAR.

593. V. KOSTIKOVITCH.

594. WHAT?

595. IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

596. WHETHER OR NOT THAT SHOW OF SUPPORT WILL BE ENOUGH

597. TO PREVENT DORA FROM BEING PUT DOWN

598. REMAINS TO BE SEEN.

599. THIS IS BILL BRIGHT REPORTING FROM ROUTE SEVEN.

600. GOT IT. NICE JOB.

601. WHAT TIME IS IT?

602. YOU SMELL LIKE GARBAGE.

603. IT'S ALWAYS SUCH A RELIEF WHEN I GET TO MY NAME.

604. IT'S HARD TO MESS UP BILL BRIGHT.

605. YOU SHOULD HEAR MY REAL NAME.

606. KOSTIKOVITCH! HUH?

607. ROLL TAPE, ROLL TAPE. ROLL TAPE!

608. ROLLING. GREAT!

609. WHAT HAS STARTED AS A SIMPLE ANIMAL-RIGHTS PROTEST

610. HAS ESCALATED INTO A DANGEROUS SITUATION.

611. THIS IS BILL BRIGHT REPORTING FROM ROUTE SEVEN—

612. UH, BILL?

613. BILL?

614. BILL?

615. I KNOW A COUPLE OF THINGS.

616. I KNOW THAT A FEW HOURS FROM NOW,

617. SOMEBODY WILL BE STANDING IN THIS GUY'S CLOSET

618. SMELLING HIS SHIRTS,

619. TRYING TO RECONNECT...

620. AND I KNOW WHERE THAT BEAR IS GOING.

621. SHE'S GOING IN SEARCH OF THE RELATIONSHIP

622. ALL OF US ARE TRYING TO RECREATE IN ONE WAY...

623. OR ANOTHER.

624. YOU WOULD THINK THAT SINCE I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT EVERYTHING,

625. I WOULDN'T DO WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.

626. GOT IT!

627. YEAH?

628. I COULD DO THIS. IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

629. AFTER ALL, REAPERS LOOK DIFFERENT TO THE LIVING.

630. DO YOU WANT SOMETHING?

631. HOW ARE YOU?

632. OKAY.

633. GOOD.

634. I'M A FRIEND OF YOUR MOM'S.

635. I LIKE YOUR HAIR LIKE THIS.

636. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

637. GET IN THE HOUSE.

638. GET IN THE HOUSE.

639. I REMEMBER YOU.

640. THE YARD SALE.

641. YOU SHOULD LEAVE. JOY...

642. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. PLEASE.

643. NO. MOM!

644. WHAT—

645. I FIGURED THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE A LOAD OF TIME AT THIS POINT,

646. SO I'D WORKED OUT JUST THE RIGHT THING TO SAY.

647. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO LIKE THIS.

648. WHEN I WAS FIVE,

649. I HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND NAMED BROCCOLI BEE,

650. AND YOU TOOK OUT ONE OF YOUR STENO PADS,

651. AND WE WROTE A STORY

652. WITH PICTURES ON ONE SIDE AND WORDS ON THE OTHER.

653. GEORGIA?

654. BUT IT KIND OF LOOKED MORE LIKE THIS.

655. WHEN I WAS FIVE...

656. I, UM... UH, HAD A FRIEND,

657. AND, UM...

658. I, UM...

659. THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL THAT WOULD COME OUT.

660. GET OUT. I HAVE LOTS OF OTHER THINGS TO SAY,

661. BUT SOMEHOW, THEY ALL KIND OF MELTED INTO A FINE MIST.

662. MOM, ON THE OTHER HAND...

663. YOU ARE A REAL FUCKING PIECE OF WORK, AREN'T YOU?

664. GET OUT. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

665. YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SHOW UP HERE

666. AND PULL THIS KIND OF SHIT?

667. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE A DAUGHTER?

668. GET YOUR SKANKY ASS OUT OF HERE!

669. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU RUN, BITCH.

670. RUN!

671. THANKS.

672. MM-HMM.

673. ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HIM?

674. IF YOU DON'T.

675. I KNOW THE MENU LIKE A FIRST PHONE NUMBER.

676. STILL HAVE TO READ IT TO KNOW WHAT I WANT.

677. CAN I GET A NUMBER SIX?

678. WANT THIS?

679. I WENT HOME AGAIN.

680. PASS ME A NAPKIN.

681. YOU OKAY?

682. YOU LOSE ANYTHING?

683. MEMORIES?

684. I DON'T KNOW.

685. I TRIED TO TELL MY MOM A STORY, AND...

686. NOW I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.

687. IT'S CRUEL AND SIMPLE.

688. THE MORE I HELD ON TO MY LIFE,

689. THE LESS THERE WAS TO HOLD ONTO.

690. SO, MY WHOLE LIFE, EVERYTHING...

691. ALL I GET TO KEEP ARE THOUGHTS AND MEMORIES?

692. THAT'S ALL WE EVER HAD, PEANUT.

693. I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING?

694. YEAH.

695. AT THE END OF THE DAY, ALL YOU HAVE ARE YOUR EXPERIENCES.

696. I SPENT SO MUCH OF MY LIFE AVOIDING EXPERIENCES,

697. I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO LOSE.

698. I WAS JUST THINKING THAT MAYBE I'D DONE THE WHOLE THING WRONG...

699. WHEN BREAKFAST CAME.