Dead Like Me 1x10

1. A LOT OF PEOPLE SEEM TO HAVE

2. SOME KIND OF INTERNAL TO-DO LIST.

3. THEY HAVE THIS COMPELLING NEED TO GET THINGS DONE,

4. BUT IT'S HARD.

5. WHEN YOU FINISH ONE THING,

6. IT USUALLY MEANS IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON

7. TO THE NEXT ITEM ON THE LIST.

8. THE LIST NEVER QUITE GETS DONE.

9. WE'RE FOREVER IN A STATE OF "UNFINISHEDNESS."

10. AND THEN YOU'LL DO THE SAME THING

11. FOR THE SECTION ON FILERS,

12. CLERKS, EXECUTIVE ASSISTANTS,

13. AND WHEN THE NEW POLICY MANUALS

14. ARE ALL COLLATED,

15. THEN I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO USE THE BIND-O-MATIC.

16. MM-HMM, WE NOW SAVE MUCHO DINERO

17. BINDING THEM IN-HOUSE.

18. DO YOU HAVE STICKY FINGERS?

19. I'M PRETTY SURE I DON'T.

20. WELL, YOU SHOULD.

21. THEY'RE YOUR BEST FRIEND FOR A JOB LIKE THIS.

22. LUCKY FOR YOU, I HAVE ANOTHER PAIR.

23. LUCKY FOR ME.

24. MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

25. NO, SILLY.

26. OH, I ENVY YOU.

27. COLLATING IS SO ZEN, SO MEDITATIVE.

28. I SUPPOSE IT'S THE RHYTHMIC NATURE OF REPETITION

29. THAT FREES THE MIND TO THINK DEEP THOUGHTS. IT'S LIKE SWEEPING.

30. WHOOSH.

31. DO YOU KNOW WHERE I'M COMING FROM?

32. JUPITER?

33. I DO.

34. YOU'LL BE AMAZED TO DISCOVER HOW MUCH

35. YOUR BUSY-BEE HANDS HAVE ACCOMPLISHED.

36. BEES DON'T HAVE HANDS.

37. NO, THEY DON'T, DO THEY?

38. BUT YOU KNOW WHO DOES?

39. YOU DO.

40. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT IDLE HANDS.

41. THEY'LL STRANGLE THE PERSON WHO ASKED THEM TO COLLATE?

42. WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU TO IT, MISS BUSY BEE.

43. WITH DAYS OF COLLATING AHEAD OF ME,

44. DELORES' ZEN THEORY

45. JUST MIGHT BE THE WAY TO GET THROUGH IT.

46. WAX ON, WAX OFF.

47. OW!

48. FUCK ME.

49. GOOD THING REAPERS HEAL QUICKLY.

50. I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE. MORE LUCK.

51. BECAUSE YOU NOW EXCEED 25 HOURS PER WEEK,

52. YOU'VE QUALIFIED FOR OUR FABULOUS HEALTH AND PENSION BENEFITS!

53. DOES PUT A LITTLE NICK IN THE TAKE-HOME.

54. FICA, FEDERAL,

55. STATE, MEDICARE,

56. VISION, DENTAL, MENTAL,

57. AND INDIAN CASINO TAX.

58. WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT'S ABOUT?

59. MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN QUALIFY FOR HEALTH BENEFITS.

60. SOMEHOW, HAVING NO MONEY

61. DIDN'T SOUND LIKE A HEALTH BENEFIT.

62. LUCKY ME.

63. A JOHNNY VEGAS OMELETTE, RARE.

64. JANE'S ADDICTION, HOME FRIES, BURNED.

65. GOOSEBERRY FLAPJACKS, SIDE OF SAUSAGE,

66. AND... TOAST.

67. YOU WORKING ON EMPTY TODAY?

68. SHAME.

69. THEY'VE REALLY PERFECTED THE JOHNNY VEGAS.

70. I HAVE NO MONEY.

71. DOES ANYONE CARE?

72. I DO, DARLING. LOOK, HAVE A SAUSAGE PATTY.

73. GOOD MORNING.

74. ONE FOR YOU.

75. ONE FOR YOU.

76. ONE FOR EACH OF YOU.

77. CHOCK-FULL OF HELIUM AND LOVE.

78. WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

79. I'M GUESSING SHE HAD SEX WITH A CARNY.

80. WHY DO I NEED TO HAVE AN OCCASION

81. TO SPREAD THE LOVE?

82. BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ORNERY BITCH

83. AND YOU EAT PUPPY DOGS FOR BREAKFAST.

84. OH, STOP.

85. I'M JUST IN A GOOD MOOD.

86. HOW IS EVERYBODY THIS FINE MORNING?

87. SHE'S GOT THE GRIN OF A LADY ON VICODIN.

88. I'VE GOT AN ABE LINCOLN IN MY POCKET IF YOU'VE GOT SOME TO SPARE.

89. THIS IS NOT ABOUT DRUGS OR SEX.

90. I JUST FEEL GIVING.

91. IS IT TOO EARLY FOR SOUVLAKI?

92. HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BUY A DEAD GIRL BREAKFAST?

93. SURE THING. ANYTHING YOU WANT.

94. NO POST-IT FOR ME?

95. YOU HAVE THE NEXT TWO DAYS OFF.

96. WHY DOES SHE GET TWO DAYS OFF?

97. WHY DOES SHE GET TWO DAYS OFF?

98. I'M OKAY, RUBE.

99. DAISY'LL TAKE OVER FOR YOU.

100. TAKE OVER FOR HER?

101. NO. AND NO MEANS NO!

102. POWERFUL, ISN'T IT?

103. I LEARNED IT DOING A P.S.A. ABOUT DATE RAPE.

104. I'M YOUR BOSS, AND YOU'LL DO AS I SAY.

105. EQUALLY POWERFUL, ISN'T IT?

106. LOOK...

107. IT'S NOTHING SHORT OF OBSCENE TO THINK

108. THAT I, DAISY ADAIR, AM GOING TO DO DOUBLE TIME

109. FOR A WOMAN WHO WEARS THAT...

110. DREADFUL LITTLE HAT AND ORTHOPEDIC SHOES.

111. A TRIP TO THE POINT GREY CLUB DOES SOFTEN THE BLOW.

112. ROX?

113. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER?

114. DO I STILL GET BREAKFAST?

115. CAN I HELP YOU?

116. YES, I BELIEVE MY PARTY MAY ALREADY BE SEATED.

117. AND WHICH PARTY WOULD THAT BE, MISS?

118. HOURIHAN. UH, MR. OR MRS.?

119. WHICHEVER ONE IS HERE.

120. YES, MR. HOURIHAN

121. DINES AT THE BOSTON CLUB ON TUESDAYS,

122. BUT HIS MOTHER,

123. SHE'S JUST OVER THERE.

124. MANY THANKS.

125. WE'LL HAVE THAT DESSERT NOW, I THINK.

126. I'M SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

127. THAT SCARF IS JUST BEAUTIFUL.

128. WHERE'D YOU GET IT, IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING?

129. IT WAS A GIFT.

130. MY HUSBAND BOUGHT IT FOR ME IN SAN FRANCISCO.

131. IT'S SO FLATTERING.

132. AS ARE YOU.

133. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEAR? DAISY ADAIR.

134. DO WE KNOW ANY ADAIRS?

135. SHAWN ADAIR, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU'RE RELATED TO HIM.

136. YOU'RE MUCH TOO FRESH AND LOVELY, AND HE'S A LITTLE OILY.

137. LEBANESE, I THINK.

138. ANYWAY, WHERE WERE YOU RAISED, DAISY?

139. OH, I'M ONE OF THE GREENWICH ADAIRS.

140. GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT?

141. IS THERE ANY OTHER?

142. I'M JOYCE, AND THIS IS SYLVIA.

143. HELLO. JANE,

144. AND MARY KATE.

145. SO NICE TO MEET YOU ALL.

146. OH, BANANAS FOSTER,

147. MY FAVORITE. OH.

148. JOYCE IS TURNING 30...

149. FOR THE 31st YEAR IN A ROW.

150. ARE YOU MARRIED, DAISY? I HAVE A SON.

151. I'M SINGLE,

152. BUT I'M NOT REALLY IN THE MARKET.

153. ARE YOU A LESBIAN?

154. SYLVIA HAS A DAUGHTER.

155. OOH!

156. OH, HOW EXCITING.

157. THIS DESSERT IS SO EVIL.

158. 8,000 CALORIES A BITE.

159. OH, PLEASE, IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.

160. I BELIEVE YOUR FRIEND IS CHOKING ON A SUGAR COOKIE.

161. OH! OH, MY GOSH.

162. SOMEBODY—

163. SOMEBODY HELP HER, PLEASE.

164. YES.

165. OH!

166. OH! OH! OH.

167. OH, SHIT.

168. MARY KATE'S ON FIRE.

169. OH!

170. OH, MY COFFEE WAS IRISH.

171. I WAS SUPPOSED TO PICK UP THAT LUNCH CHECK.

172. OH, DON'T WORRY. THE RESTAURANT WAS KIND ENOUGH

173. TO PICK UP THE TAB.

174. NOW, I DON'T WANT TO HURRY YOU,

175. BUT THERE'S A LIMOUSINE OUTSIDE WAITING FOR YOU,

176. AND I DO HAVE QUITE THE TO-DO LIST.

177. A LIMOUSINE TO TAKE ME WHERE?

178. TO YOUR DESTINATION.

179. WHICH IS WHERE?

180. I'M NOT PRIVY TO THAT INFORMATION.

181. WELL, YOU'RE JUST USELESS.

182. TELL YOUR DRIVER TO GO ON WITHOUT ME. I'M NOT READY...

183. AND TAKE CARE, DAISY.

184. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

185. TO MY SON'S OFFICE.

186. I HAVE BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO,

187. AND I'M GUESSING THAT YOUR LIMO WON'T TAKE ME THERE.

188. NOW, YOU BE A DEAR, AND JUST TIP THE BUSBOY OVER THERE.

189. YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PUT ME OUT.

190. IT WAS TIME TO SEEK OUT PERSONAL CAREER ADVICE.

191. ALTHOUGH COLLATING WAS ANOTHER DREAM REALIZED,

192. I WAS ADVISED TO "NEVER SETTLE."

193. IT SEEMED MY CHOICES WERE LIMITED

194. TO COAL-MINING OR HAND-WASHING J. LO'S UNDIES.

195. SO I'M THINKING, HOW BAD COULD WEST VIRGINIA BE?

196. GEORGIA? OH, GEORGIA?

197. OH, PLEASE GOD, NO.

198. OH, GEORGIA?

199. HONEY, COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE.

200. GEORGIA?

201. IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE

202. I WISH REAPERS HAD SOME KIND OF SUPER POWER.

203. YOU KNOW, LIKE I COULD FLY,

204. OR DISAPPEAR, OR—

205. OH, GEORGIA?

206. PARALYZE SOMEONE'S VOCAL CHORDS.

207. FUCKING DAISY.

208. I'M LOOKING FOR A GIRL. SHE'S ABOUT YAY BIG, BROWN EYES, PRETTY...

209. ANGRY—PRETTY ANGRY.

210. OH, THAT'S HER.

211. SO NICE VISITING WITH YOU.

212. QUIET. WHY ARE YOU HERE? YOU CAN'T BE HERE.

213. I DON'T WANT YOU HERE.

214. GEORGIA, MARY KATE.

215. MARY KATE, GEORGIA.

216. HI.

217. LOOK AT THIS HORRIBLE PLACE.

218. IS THIS SOME KIND OF SWEAT SHOP?

219. WOULD YOU BE A TURTLE-DOVE

220. AND EXPLORE OVER THERE

221. WHILE I HAVE A LITTLE TETE-A-TETE WITH MY FRIEND?

222. YOU DO THAT.

223. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

224. I COME BEARING GIFTS. I'M BUSY.

225. SHE'S RICH, WHICH MAKES HER SON RICH,

226. WHICH COULD MAKE US RICH,

227. BUT I NEED YOUR HELP.

228. WHY WOULD I WANT TO HELP YOU, ANYWAY?

229. WELL, THERE'S THE KINDNESS OF YOUR HEART,

230. AND AT THE RISK OF REPEATING MYSELF, LOTS OF MONEY.

231. HOW MUCH MONEY?

232. OODLES.

233. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY ZEROS THERE ARE IN OODLES?

234. ARE YOU GETTING THIS? DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A TREASURE MAP?

235. A GIRL'S GOT NEEDS, YOU KNOW.

236. EVEN A DEAD GIRL.

237. ESPECIALLY A DEAD GIRL.

238. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

239. WELL, FIRST, YOU'LL NEED TO TAKE A FEW DAYS OFF WORK.

240. TODAY?

241. NO, NO, DON'T BE SILLY.

242. UM, HOW'S A WEEK NEXT TUESDAY?

243. ARE YOU FREE?

244. YES, OF COURSE TODAY.

245. DON'T YOU SEE MY FACE? I'M PLAYING URGENCY.

246. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PASS.

247. I DON'T THINK REAPERS ARE SUPPOSED TO USE GHOSTS TO GET MONEY.

248. I SHOULD STAY HERE AND COLLATE.

249. COLLATE?

250. DAMN IT, GEORGIA, SHOW SOME AMBITION.

251. THAT'S WHAT SEPARATES US FROM THE ANIMALS, YOU KNOW.

252. IT'S NOT THE OPPOSABLE THUMB, IT'S AMBITION.

253. ANIMALS DON'T LIKE MONEY. WE DO.

254. MISS? MISS?

255. HOLD ON, I'M COMING.

256. OH, FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE.

257. JIMINY CRICKET.

258. WHY CAN'T YOU EVER GIVE ME A BREAK?

259. YOU'RE TAKING IT PERSONALLY, SIR.

260. IT'S NOT PERSONAL.

261. HOW ABOUT YOU PERSONALLY TEAR UP THAT THING?

262. I WROTE IT ALREADY.

263. IT'S DONE. WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.

264. I WAS JUST GOING TO MOVE IT.

265. YOU WERE NOT GOING TO MOVE IT.

266. I KNOW THIS VEHICLE.

267. I SEE THIS VEHICLE EVERY DAY.

268. YOU WERE JUST HOPING YOU WEREN'T GETTING A TICKET TODAY,

269. BUT YOU ARE...

270. GETTING A TICKET.

271. WELL, MAYBE TODAY'S DIFFERENT.

272. MAYBE TODAY YOU TEAR UP THAT TICKET?

273. MAYBE TODAY IS DIFFERENT.

274. HAVE A NICE DAY.

275. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

276. I AM SURE THERE IS GOING TO BE

277. SOME KARMIC REWARD FOR YOU DOWN THE LINE.

278. I DOUBT IT,

279. AND YOU'RE WELCOME.

280. OH. HELLO.

281. GUESS I WENT ON A LITTLE MIND VACATION.

282. SOMEONE HAVE A BABY?

283. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

284. BOOTIES ARE THE ONLY THINGS I KNOW HOW TO KNIT.

285. OH, MY.

286. HAVE YOU BEEN CRYING?

287. MY AUNT RUTH DIED.

288. OH, MILLIE.

289. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF

290. FOR THE FUNERAL.

291. FIVE DAYS OUGHT TO DO IT.

292. ONE SMALL PERK OF TWO MIND-NUMBING DAYS

293. COLLATING THE POLICY MANUAL

294. WAS KNOWING THE POLICY ON BEREAVEMENT.

295. YOU'RE ENTITLED TO FIVE BEREAVEMENT DAYS

296. IF IT'S A PARENT, GRANDPARENT, OR SIBLING.

297. YOU SAID IT WAS YOUR AUNT?

298. WELL, SHE PRACTICALLY RAISED ME.

299. I LOVED HER LIKE A SISTER...

300. OR A MOTHER OR A GRANDMOTHER.

301. EVEN SO, THE DEATH OF AN AUNT OR AN UNCLE

302. ONLY ENTITLES YOU TO THREE BEREAVEMENT DAYS.

303. I CAN'T BELIEVE I FUCKED THAT UP.

304. BUT THE FUNERAL'S OUT OF TOWN, AND WITH TRAVEL AND ALL,

305. IT HARDLY SEEMS LIKE I'LL BE ABLE TO SPEND

306. ANY QUALITY MOURNING TIME WITH MY FAMILY.

307. HOW ABOUT WE SAY THAT IT WAS YOUR GRANDMOTHER WHO DIED?

308. DELORES, CAN WE DO THAT?

309. I DON'T WANT TO ABUSE THE RULES HERE.

310. DON'T LOOK NOW,

311. BUT YOUR GRANDMOTHER JUST BOUGHT IT.

312. THANK YOU.

313. AND SO IT WAS.

314. I NOT ONLY HAD TO MOURN THE LOSS OF MY AUNT RUTH,

315. BUT MY PRECIOUS COLLATING JOB, TOO.

316. IT WAS ALMOST TOO MUCH FOR ONE PERSON TO BEAR.

317. MARY KATE, MASON. MASON, MARY KATE.

318. HELLO, PLEASE COME IN.

319. SO HOW IS THE WHOLE DEAD THING WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

320. THE AFTERLIFE WAS BILLED AS HAVING A FEW MORE AMENITIES

321. THAN I'VE SEEN THUS FAR.

322. I WAS THINKING SOMETHING SORT OF RIVE GAUCHE,

323. A LITTLE LESS... WORKING CLASS.

324. I BELIEVE THE PERKS KICK IN AFTER YOU WALK INTO THE LIGHTS.

325. THERE'S NO NEED TO RUSH THINGS, IS THERE?

326. YOU'LL BE OVER THERE SOON ENOUGH.

327. IS THIS A SLUM?

328. SUBURBS.

329. OH, WELL, SAME THING.

330. NOW GET ME MY SON.

331. I'VE EXPLAINED THIS TO YOU.

332. YOU CAN'T JUST WALTZ UP TO THE LIVING AND START CHATTING.

333. OH, I'LL CALL HIM MYSELF.

334. THEY CANNOT SEE OR HEAR YOU.

335. THERE'S A PROPER WAY FOR THE DEAD

336. TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE LIVING.

337. I'VE DONE THIS MANY, MANY TIMES.

338. YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME.

339. OH...

340. I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO MOVE OUT FOR A FEW DAYS.

341. YOU EXPECT ME TO MOVE OUT OF MY OWN HOUSE?

342. YEAH, RIGHT AWAY.

343. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I'LL HAVE HER.

344. HOW AM I TO BE COMPENSATED?

345. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE COMPENSATED?

346. 50% OF THE TAKINGS, AND 100% OF YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

347. 10% AND A HANDSHAKE.

348. 25% AND A QUICK GROPE.

349. STAY STRONG, SOLDIER.

350. 15% AND I'LL LET YOU SEE THEM FOR FIVE SECONDS.

351. DONE.

352. FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.

353. THAT WAS SO WORTH IT.

354. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF HER OBIT?

355. THE PHOTO WAS PRETTY.

356. WHAT WAS SHE, 12?

357. OH...

358. IT WAS MOTHER'S DEBUTANTE PHOTO.

359. SHE WAS 19,

360. AND SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

361. I THINK SHE'S PRETTIER TODAY.

362. LOOK AT HER EYELASHES,

363. HER SKIN.

364. I LOVE THAT SHADE OF RED ON HER LIPS.

365. OH, I'D LIKE THAT GUY TO DO MY MAKEUP.

366. A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM

367. WOULD LIKE THAT GUY TO DO YOUR MAKEUP.

368. HMM.

369. I EXPECTED A BIGGER CROWD...

370. A BETTER CROWD.

371. OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, THERE'S MY DRYCLEANER.

372. SO HERE'S THE DEAL.

373. YOU ARE A DAVENPORT.

374. YOUR MOTHER'S FIRST COUSIN, A LINDSEY,

375. WAS MARRIED TO A BUCKINGHAM,

376. WHO WAS NEPHEW TO THE DEARLY DEPARTED MARY KATE HOURIHAN.

377. WHICH MAKES ME...

378. VERY SAD.

379. NOW GO, WHILE THE GRIEVING IS GOOD.

380. WELL, WHICH ONE IS HER SON?

381. MATTHEW HOURIHAN.

382. HONEY.

383. WAIT. COME HERE.

384. OW.

385. OKAY, NOW, THAT HURT.

386. OKAY, GREAT. NOW YOU LOOK HURT. GO.

387. MATTHEW...

388. I'M SO SORRY.

389. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

390. SHE WAS SO...

391. UNIQUE.

392. HI.

393. I'M MILLIE.

394. DAVENPORT. I'M A...

395. DAVENPORT.

396. SO THAT MAKE US, UM, SECOND COUSINS?

397. I BELIEVE IT DOES.

398. POOR MARY KATE.

399. SHE'LL BE MISSED.

400. I'M SORRY, I'M VERY UPSET

401. AND IT'S JUST BEEN A SEA OF FACES, AND—

402. THERE IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU, MATTHEW.

403. YES? I WROTE IT DOWN,

404. BECAUSE SHE INSISTED I WRITE IT DOWN.

405. THE ENGLANDERS TRUST DOCUMENTS HELD BY HERZFELD AND ASSOCIATES

406. ARE NOT THE MOST RECENT.

407. LOOK IN THE BOTTOM DRAWER

408. IN HER CURIO CABINET UPSTAIRS.

409. WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

410. UH, MARY KATE.

411. YOU KNOW, YOUR... MOTHER.

412. WHEN?

413. LAST NIGHT?

414. I'M—I'M SORRY, BUT WHAT?

415. UM, I WAS...

416. AT A SEANCE LAST NIGHT,

417. AND I WAS...

418. HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH MY MOTHER,

419. WHICH WASN'T GOING WELL, AS USUAL,

420. AND YOUR MOTHER

421. UNEXPECTEDLY JOINED IN

422. AND ASKED ME TO TELL YOU THAT,

423. AND DON'T ASK ME TO REPEAT THAT,

424. BECAUSE IT'S ALL GREEK TO ME.

425. UM...

426. GOD BLESS YOU...

427. AND TAKE CARE.

428. YEAH. NO...

429. HOLD ON.

430. OH, WHAT A PRETTY WOMAN I WAS.

431. VERY NICE.

432. OUR BELOVED MARY KATE,

433. WE ASK YOU TO COMMUNE WITH US

434. AND SIT WITH US.

435. WHAT WAS THAT?

436. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

437. I'M MAKING AUTHENTIC SCARY NOISES WITH THIS.

438. THIS ISN'T A SEVENTH-GRADE SLEEP-OVER PARTY.

439. OH, GOOD. LOOK.

440. GO PLUG THAT IN. GO ON. GO. GO.

441. OH, WHAT'S NEXT, WE CUT HOLES IN SHEETS

442. AND WALK AROUND THE ROOM MOANING?

443. JUST GO PLUG IT IN.

444. I SUMMON YOU,

445. THE SPIRIT OF MARY KATE HOURIHAN.

446. FLY TO US.

447. FLY!

448. I BELIEVE SOMEONE HAS JOINED US.

449. IS IT MY MOTHER? I DON'T KNOW.

450. I FEEL A VERY POWERFUL PRESENCE,

451. BUT WE MUST BE SURE.

452. MARY KATE, IF YOU'RE WITH US,

453. PLEASE GIVE US A SIGN.

454. OH, PLEASE.

455. ENOUGH WITH THE THEATRICS.

456. MARY KATE IS VERY ANXIOUS

457. TO TALK TO YOU, MATTHEW.

458. WELL, HOW DO I KNOW FOR SURE SHE'S REALLY HERE?

459. BECAUSE YOU'RE CLUTCHING MY MONOGRAMMED HANDKERCHIEF,

460. WHICH YOU OBVIOUSLY STOLE FROM MY BEDSIDE DRAWER,

461. HOLDING IT LIKE A TWO-YEAR-OLD WITH HIS BLANKIE.

462. THAT HANDKERCHIEF IS FROM HER NIGHTSTAND.

463. IT TOUCHES HER HEART

464. THAT YOU'RE HOLDING IT.

465. OH...

466. OH, I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

467. OH, THE LITTLE DIPSHIT.

468. WET HIS BED TILL HE WAS SEVEN.

469. SHE SAYS SHE MISSES YOU VERY MUCH, TOO.

470. WHERE WERE YOU THIS AFTERNOON?

471. HANDING OUT PARKING TICKETS.

472. THAT'S WHAT I DO, YOU KNOW.

473. I DIDN'T SEE YOU ON THE STREET.

474. YOUR SUPERVISOR SAID YOU KNOCKED OFF EARLY,

475. THAT YOU CALLED IN SICK.

476. WELL, PLAYING A LITTLE HOOKY TODAY.

477. JUST CHILLING, YOU KNOW.

478. DID SOME SHOPPING.

479. I HAVE A "TO-DO" LIST, TOO, YOU KNOW.

480. SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE FRENCH TIPS.

481. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

482. I'M DOING MY NAILS,

483. THEN I'M GOING TO DRIVE OUT TO WALMART.

484. THEY'RE HAVING A SALE ON BUNDT CAKE PANS.

485. I DO LOVE A DELICIOUS BUNDT CAKE.

486. I'LL MAKE YOU ONE, IF YOU'D LIKE.

487. FYI, SWEETHEART,

488. A THOUSAND HOUSEWIVES HAVE TRIED THIS SCHTICK AND FAILED.

489. WHAT SCHTICK IS THAT?

490. SMILING, KEEPING BUSY.

491. TRYING TO BULLSHIT THEIR WAY OUT OF AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

492. I'M NOT HAVING A CRISIS, RUBE.

493. HMM.

494. YOU'RE MOURNING.

495. IT'S ALL OVER YOU.

496. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, GO TO CHURCH?

497. WEAR ALL BLACK?

498. SAY A FUCKING ROSARY?

499. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR GRIEF.

500. EVERYBODY GRIEVES IN A DIFFERENT WAY, RUBE.

501. I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU THAT.

502. WELL, YOURS REEKS OF AVOIDANCE.

503. I CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE PAST.

504. I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING OVER IT AGAIN.

505. WELL, I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

506. FUCKED UP MY MANICURE.

507. I'M SORRY.

508. I'LL STILL MAKE YOU THAT BUNDT CAKE.

509. LEMON OKAY?

510. I'LL BE HOME TONIGHT.

511. JUST LOOK AT THE LITTLE MILKSOP.

512. HE'S JUST TOO WEAK TO STAND UP TO THE BOARD.

513. HE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO RUN THE COMPANY WITHOUT ME.

514. SHE SAYS SHE WANTS YOU TO TAKE OVER

515. THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

516. WE COULD GET IN BIG TROUBLE FOR THIS.

517. WE COULD GET TRANSFERRED

518. TO A REALLY AWFUL PLACE, YOU KNOW.

519. I'M SERIOUS, MASON.

520. THIS THING SEEMS REALLY STUPID.

521. WE COULD GET SCREWED BIG TIME.

522. YEAH, BUT WE CAN ALSO GET VERY RICH, BIG TIME.

523. OKAY. COOL.

524. NOW, MAKE SURE HE GETS THIS PART.

525. WILLIAM GARRATT IS HIS ENEMY.

526. AT THE NEXT BOARD MEETING,

527. WILLIAM GARRATT WILL CALL FOR A VOTE ON A BUY-BACK

528. OF ALL OUTSTANDING SHARES.

529. GO ON, TELL HIM.

530. AT THE NEXT BOARD MEETING,

531. THIS FELLOW... GARRATT...

532. WHAT IS IT? WHAT HAPPENED?

533. I...

534. I CAN'T CONTINUE. IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

535. WHAT'S TOO DANGEROUS? AM I IN DANGER?

536. NO, ME.

537. IF I CHANNEL THE DEAD FOR TOO LONG, I MIGHT DIE MYSELF.

538. SOME SPIRITS ARE ESPECIALLY DRAINING.

539. I AM NOT FINISHED! TELL HIM ABOUT GARRATT.

540. I'M SORRY, MATTHEW.

541. SHE'S GONE.

542. OH, YOU ARE FUCKING WITH THE WRONG GHOST, MY LITTLE FRIEND.

543. GET HER BACK. I NEED TO CONTINUE.

544. LOOK, HERE'S THE $2,000 YOU ASKED FOR.

545. WE ARE SO RICH.

546. SHE'S GOING TO TAKE HIS MONEY.

547. I CAN'T TAKE YOUR MONEY.

548. SHE'S FUCKING IT UP!

549. IS THAT... MOTHER?

550. NO. THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF SPIRITS.

551. IT'S AN OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD.

552. I CAN'T TAKE YOUR MONEY.

553. LOOK...

554. I'LL PAY YOU... $10,000.

555. RICH.

556. I DON'T THINK YOU REALIZE

557. THE HEALTH RISK THIS COULD POSE FOR ME.

558. $20,000.

559. PERHAPS YOU HAVE SOME IDEA.

560. COME BACK TOMORROW NIGHT.

561. I'LL BRING MARY KATE, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO.

562. THANK YOU.

563. THANK YOU.

564. YOU REALLY DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO STAND IDLY BY

565. WHILE YOU SWINDLE MY SON OUT OF $20,000, DO YOU?

566. SEND FOR MY LIGHTS.

567. YOU CAN LEAVE ANY TIME YOU LIKE, MARY KATE,

568. BUT LEAVE NOW,

569. AND THE BATTLE FOR YOUR FAMILY'S BUSINESS MAY NOT GO WELL.

570. THIS WILLIAM GARRATT FELLOW SOUNDS LIKE A BAD HAT,

571. AND CALL ME CRAZY,

572. BUT ISN'T SAVING THE COMPANY

573. FOR YOUR SON WORTH A MEASLY 20 GRAND?

574. YOU'RE RICHER THAN GOD.

575. I'M GUESSING. I MEAN, I HAVE NO INSIDE INFORMATION.

576. WHAT'S WITH THE PARLOR TRICKS, ASSHOLE?

577. YOU JUST GAVE UP TWO GRAND.

578. DON'T LOOK AT ME. HE'S THE ONE

579. WHO CAME UP WITH THE LAME GHOST SHIT.

580. MASON, I'M GOING TO MAKE THIS PERFECTLY SIMPLE

581. SO YOU'RE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND.

582. WE HAVE THE GHOST.

583. YOU ONLY NEED PARLOR TRICKS

584. WHEN YOU CAN'T TALK TO THE DEAD,

585. YOU DUMB FUCKING LIMEY.

586. DID YOU SEE HIS FACE WHEN THAT LAMP FELL?

587. THAT SEALED THE DEAL.

588. DON'T YOU FUCK THIS UP.

589. DON'T YOU FUCK THIS UP!

590. WITH OUR SEANCE BUSINESS UNFINISHED,

591. I WAS STUCK WITH THE TASK OF BABYSITTING.

592. I SAILED MY WHOLE LIFE.

593. HAD MY FIRST BOAT WHEN I WAS EIGHT.

594. OH, I JUST LOVED BEING OUT THERE.

595. I WISH I'D BEEN BURIED AT SEA.

596. COULDN'T YOU HAVE PUT THAT IN YOUR WILL?

597. ASKED SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR YOU?

598. COULD'VE. SHOULD'VE. DIDN'T.

599. WE KEPT A BOAT AT SAINT BART'S.

600. DO YOU KNOW SAINT BART'S?

601. I SUPPOSE THAT'S AN ISLAND.

602. IT IS. IT IS.

603. IT'S A LITTLE JEWEL IN THE FRENCH WEST INDIES,

604. AND WHEN THE PLANES WOULD COME IN,

605. YOU'D USE THIS TINY, TINY LITTLE RUNWAY

606. THAT ENDED RIGHT AT THE WATER.

607. OH, TERRIFYING.

608. EVERY TIME WE FLEW IN,

609. I THOUGHT "WELL, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE,"

610. BUT WE NEVER DID.

611. BUT OF COURSE SHE DID DIE.

612. MARY KATE WOULD NEVER TAKE ANOTHER VACATION TO SAINT BART'S,

613. AND I'D NEVER SEE IT AT ALL.

614. DO THEY SPEAK FRENCH THERE?

615. MAIS OUI.

616. ON PARLAIT FRANCAIS LA-BAS,

617. EXCEPT FOR THE STUPID AMERICANS

618. WHO COULDN'T BE BOTHERED. YEAH.

619. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SAIL?

620. NO.

621. WELL, YOU SHOULD LEARN.

622. YOU'D LOOK GOOD ON A SAILBOAT.

623. TWO GUYS WALK INTO A BAR.

624. WHAT TYPE OF BAR?

625. DOESN'T MATTER.

626. TWO GUYS WALK INTO A BAR—

627. OF COURSE IT MATTERS.

628. LEE STRASBERG PREACHED SPECIFICS.

629. SO THE BARTENDER SAYS—

630. I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF BAR, TOO.

631. YOU REALIZE THE BAR'S UNIMPORTANT, RIGHT?

632. THE BAR IS JUST WHERE THE JOKE TAKES PLACE.

633. WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THE ESCALATION

634. BUILDING UP TO A SURPRISING REVELATION,

635. RESULTING IN SOME KIND OF A HILARITY...

636. WHICH YOU'RE DEPRIVING YOURSELVES OF

637. BY THESE MINDLESS INTERRUPTIONS.

638. FINE.

639. BE FUNNY.

640. THANK YOU.

641. TWO GUYS WALK INTO A BAR—

642. YOU'RE SO SHORT-SIGHTED.

643. SHORT-SIGHTED ABOUT WHAT? NOTHING.

644. JUST SOME GIRL I'M INTERESTED IN.

645. COME ON. TWO GUYS WALK INTO A BAR AND...

646. WHAT?

647. THEY GET A DRINK.

648. THE END.

649. FOR YOU.

650. AND YOU.

651. WHERE'S YOUR ROOMMATE?

652. SHE'S FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A DIPLOMAT

653. AND IS GETTING FITTED FOR A WEDDING DRESS AS WE SPEAK.

654. I DON'T KNOW. I'M HER ROOMMATE, NOT HER MOTHER.

655. I'LL GIVE IT TO HER.

656. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE IT TO HER

657. IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE SHE IS?

658. MASON DOES,

659. SO I'LL GIVE IT TO MASON.

660. I DO KNOW WHERE SHE IS,

661. AND I WILL GIVE IT TO HER RIGHT NOW.

662. I'LL COME WITH.

663. IN GRIEF THERAPY, THE BIG BUZZWORD IS "CLOSURE,"

664. YOU KNOW, MOVING ON WITH LIFE AFTER A LOVED ONE DIES.

665. SUPPOSEDLY THERE'S A SUPER-EFFICIENT WAY TO GRIEVE,

666. AND IF YOU CAN NAIL THAT DOWN FAST,

667. YOU CAN BLOW THROUGH ALL 12 OR SO STEPS OF MOURNING

668. IN LESS THAN A YEAR,

669. BUT WHEN YOU'RE MOURNING YOURSELF,

670. CLOSURE IS A LITTLE TRICKY.

671. THAT'S A NICE BUNDT CAKE.

672. I LEARNED WHEN I WAS A KID.

673. ASK ANY DEAD PERSON AND THEY'LL TELL YOU,

674. THE ONE DEATH YOU NEVER GET OVER IS YOUR OWN.

675. I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE THE YEAR I WOULD LET GO.

676. WHAT'S IT BEEN, 20 YEARS?

677. 21.

678. MAYBE THIS IS YOUR YEAR.

679. WHY, RUBE? WHY THIS YEAR?

680. BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO SHORT...

681. AND DEATH IS TOO LONG.

682. AND 21'S A LUCKY NUMBER, ISN'T IT?

683. COME ON, THROW SOMETHING IN THERE.

684. JENNIFER BEALS...

685. SHE WORE THEM WELL.

686. WHO KNOWS WHERE SHE'D BE WITHOUT YOU?

687. BEING UNDEAD GIVES YOU A LOT OF TIME

688. TO THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE...

689. AND ITS END.

690. REVISITING THE HOUR OF YOUR PASSING,

691. ITS DETAILS...

692. THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL.

693. ONE THING EVERYONE AGREES ON,

694. GOING OUT BEFORE YOU'RE OLD AND CREAKY

695. IS PRETTY MUCH WORST-CASE SCENARIO,

696. BUT WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG AND TALENTED,

697. FULL OF LIFE...

698. AND JUST STUMBLED ONTO A MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA...

699. GETTING AN EARLY CHECK-OUT TRULY STINKS.

700. GIRL, WHAT ARE THOSE FOOL THINGS

701. YOU GOT ON YOUR LEGS?

702. I CUT THE TOES OUT OF MY SOCKS.

703. CHECK IT OUT.

704. WOW, THOSE THINGS LOOK COOL.

705. DO YOU SELL THEM?

706. YOU STILL TRYING TO REINVENT THE SOCK, HUH?

707. AND I'M GETTING PAID LIKE A HIGH-CLASS HOOKER TO DO IT, TOO.

708. I MADE 300 BUCKS THIS WEEK.

709. THAT'S NICE.

710. YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE KILLERS THAT LURK IN YOUR HOUSE—

711. THE SLICK PORCELAIN OF THE BATHTUB,

712. THE DRANO UNDER THE SINK.

713. THE THING IS, THE DEATH WEAPON

714. IS NEVER WHAT YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BE.

715. IT'S AT LEAST A SAFE BET YOU DIDN'T INVENT IT.

716. ALL FOR A FUCKING LEG WARMER.

717. COME ON.

718. FOR MOST OF US, WE DANCE TOWARDS DEATH UNWITTINGLY.

719. ONE STEP HERE, ANOTHER TWIRL THERE,

720. WE GET EVER CLOSER TO A FINALE WE DON'T WANT TO SEE,

721. AND EVEN THOUGH WE ALL GET A FINAL CURTAIN,

722. WE DON'T ALL GET CLOSURE.

723. SOME OF US HANG AROUND REHASHING THE SHOW,

724. WISHING WE COULD GO BACK AND GET THE LAST NUMBER RIGHT.

725. TELL HIM HE CAN BLACKMAIL GARRATT

726. AND GAIN CONTROL OF THE BOARD.

727. GARRATT IS SLEEPING WITH HIS HOUSEKEEPER.

728. YOU CAN BLACKMAIL GARRATT.

729. SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU HE'S SLEEPING WITH THE HOUSEKEEPER.

730. I'M SLEEPING WITH MY HOUSEKEEPER.

731. YOU MEAN GARRATT'S SLEEPING WITH HER, TOO?

732. NOT MARIA. GARRATT'S SLEEPING WITH HIS OWN HOUSEKEEPER.

733. GARRATT'S NOT SLEEPING WITH MARIA.

734. WHO IS GARRATT SLEEPING WITH?

735. LETTICIA. LETTICIA.

736. AND WHAT ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH MARIA FOR?

737. SHE DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH,

738. AND SHE'S NOT A GOOD CLEANER.

739. YOUR MOTHER JUST WANTS YOU

740. TO LEAD A GOOD, CLEAN LIFE.

741. WOULD YOU STOP PARAPHRASING ME?

742. IT'S INFURIATING. YOU'RE FIRED.

743. IT'S TIME FOR YOUR MOTHER TO MOVE ON.

744. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO ASK HER?

745. I THINK I'M DONE.

746. NO "THANK YOU"?

747. WE THANK YOU, SPIRIT OF MARY KATE,

748. AND WE INVITE YOU TO GO.

749. GO.

750. FLY, SPIRIT.

751. FLY!

752. HERE'S THE MONEY THAT I PROMISED YOU.

753. MASON...

754. DAISY ADAIR, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

755. WHAT?

756. WHAT?

757. SHIT.

758. YOU'RE BEING CHARGED WITH GRAND LARCENY AND EXTORTION.

759. AND PARAPHRASING.

760. OH, THIS IS ABSURD!

761. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

762. I'M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

763. I SUGGEST YOU DO THE SAME.

764. YOU FRAUD.

765. GARRATT PUT YOU UP TO THIS, DIDN'T HE?

766. WELL, YOU TELL THAT SON OF A BITCH

767. THAT MATTHEW HOURIHAN IS NO PUSHOVER.

768. HE CAN GO... FUCK A DUCK

769. IF HE THINKS HE'S GOING TO TAKE OVER

770. THE COMPANY MY PARENTS BUILT FROM NOTHING.

771. OH, MY LITTLE MATTHEW FINALLY GREW SOME STONES.

772. CUFF HER.

773. LET'S GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

774. DAISY, TELL HIM I LOVE HIM

775. AND THAT I'M SORRY WE DIDN'T LET HIM PLAY HOCKEY AS A KID.

776. HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL SKATER.

777. HE WON'T BELIEVE ME, MARY KATE.

778. WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

779. WOULD YOU GIVE IT UP ALREADY?

780. TELL HIM, DAISY.

781. YOU OWE ME.

782. YOUR MOTHER SAYS SHE LOVES YOU

783. AND SHE'S SORRY ABOUT THE HOCKEY,

784. AND SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE A BEAUTIFUL SKATER.

785. HOW DID YOU...

786. SHE LOVED ME?

787. LET'S GO, MR. HOURIHAN.

788. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP. MUCH APPRECIATED.

789. CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY.

790. MOST PEOPLE GET TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS.

791. GO! GO! THEY'RE AFTER THE MONEY! GO!

792. THAT STUNG. 44?

793. NAH. 38.

794. MAKES A LOT OF NOISE, BUT IT'S A QUICKER HEAL.

795. THANKS, THAT'S CONSIDERATE.

796. AH, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE GETTING THE THANKS, PETE.

797. THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME.

798. I ALWAYS APPRECIATE REAPERS

799. WHO DON'T MIND PITCHING IN.

800. THANKS, BOYS.

801. COME ON, RUBE, WE'RE PLAGUE DIVISION.

802. ALL WE GOT IS TIME.

803. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE FOR SOME LOCUSTS RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

804. I HEAR YOU, BUDDY.

805. I BELIEVE THAT'S MY RIDE.

806. AM I GOING TO SAINT BART'S?

807. WITH A SHORT STOP-OVER AT CUSTOMS.

808. MERCI.

809. DE RIEN.

810. YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

811. YOU'RE A SORE LOSER.

812. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU ORCHESTRATED THIS WHOLE THING.

813. AND I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU'D PULL THE SAME STUFF HERE

814. AS YOU DID IN NEW YORK.

815. WHERE'S MY MONEY?

816. I'VE GOT ZERO TOLERANCE FOR YOUR CONS.

817. YOU WILL NOT PREY ON THE SURVIVORS OF THE SOULS YOU TAKE.

818. YOU WILL RESPECT THAT BOUNDARY

819. AND YOU WILL TREAT IT WITH THE GRACE THAT IT DESERVES,

820. OR YOU WILL TASTE A WRATH YOU'VE ONLY READ ABOUT

821. IN YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE PLAYS.

822. ARE WE CLEAR?

823. CRYSTAL.

824. THEN YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

825. THE KEY?

826. OH, DON'T WORRY.

827. I'LL LEAVE IT RIGHT HERE FOR YOU.

828. HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET THAT?

829. AH, YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

830. YOU'RE THE AMAZING DAISY.

831. FUCK ME.

832. I HAD ESCAPED THE WRATH OF RUBE,

833. BUT I DID HAVE TO PAY A PRICE.

834. ENTERTAINING MARY KATE TURNED OUT TO HAVE ITS COSTS.

835. THERE YOU ARE.

836. I'VE KNITTED YOU A LITTLE GIFT.

837. THANKS.

838. A BABY HAT?

839. NO, SILLY.

840. IT'S A PENCIL SHARPENER COZY,

841. AND...

842. THAT'S THE CHINESE SYMBOL FOR PROSPERITY.

843. THAT'S SO SWEET, DELORES.

844. I COULD REALLY USE ONE OF THOSE.

845. HOW WAS THE FUNERAL?

846. OH, GOOD...

847. AND SAD.

848. IT FEELS GOOD TO BE HOME.

849. IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU HOME.

850. OH, NEED YOU TO GET BACK ON THAT COLLATING JOB.

851. WORK ALL NIGHT IF YOU HAVE TO.

852. SO WE CONTINUE TO MUDDLE THROUGH OUR UNFINISHED BUSINESS,

853. TRY TO FIND WAYS TO CHECK THINGS OFF OUR TO-DO LISTS,

854. BUT IN THAT STRANGE QUEST TO GET THROUGH ALL OUR LISTS,

855. WE TRY TO RESIST THE URGE TO FOCUS JUST ON THE PAST...

856. NOBODY BOTHERS TO RESPECT THE METER ANY MORE.

857. TO SAY, "I'LL NEVER DO THIS,"

858. OR, "I'LL NEVER DO THAT."

859. "I'LL NEVER GO TO SAINT BART'S.

860. I'LL NEVER..."

861. BUT SOMETIMES WE FIND CLOSURE BY GIVING DEATH THE FINGER,

862. BY FINDING THE LITTLE WAYS TO SAY, "I WILL.

863. I CAN."