1. "Um, avast scalawag.
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2. I'm, uh, Swash Buckler,
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3. scourge of the Seven Seas."
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4. "Avast scalawag...
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5. I'm swashbuckler
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6. scourge of the sev—"
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7. Swash Buckler,
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8. not swashbuckler!
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9. Oh...
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10. I don't get it.
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11. So, yeah like, um...
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12. go ahead and
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13. avast, Mr. Scalawag,
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14. 'cause I'm,
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15. like, Swash Buckler,
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16. the scourge
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17. of the Seven Seas
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18. and stuff, and...
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19. Read the lines, Hal!
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20. Oh, right. Uh...
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21. "Swash Buckler
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22. enters stage right.
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23. He stands upon
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24. the deck of the..."
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25. Next!
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26. Ugh. This is a disaster, Karen.
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27. Swash Buckler
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28. on the Seven Seas
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29. could be the best play
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30. I've ever done!
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31. The costumes are hand-sewn,
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32. soaked in saltwater
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33. for authenticity...
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34. The Impolite Minnow
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35. is the most ambitious set
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36. in Metropolis High history!
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37. And the finest
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38. most gifted actor
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39. ever to grace this stage
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40. will play Lady Catharine.
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41. But I thought you were
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42. playing Lady Catharine?
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43. Look, the point is,
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44. none of this matters
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45. if I can't find
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46. the right actor
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47. to play Swash Buckler!
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48. Greetings, company!
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49. Stage role.
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50. Your leading man has arrived.
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51. Oh, no.
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52. The name is Oliver Queen.
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53. I've portrayed everyone
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54. from the Phantom
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55. to the Streetcar.
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56. Lois Lane of the
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57. Daily Planetoid
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58. has called my performances
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59. "bold,"brash,"
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60. and "bang on the beam,"
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61. which I assume
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62. means good. So...
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63. do you want to go through
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64. with this charade
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65. of me auditioning
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66. or shall we proceed
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67. to dress rehearsal?
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68. I dunno Zee,
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69. Oliver seems pretty perfect.
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70. Uh, I hate to admit it...
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71. I mean, really hate
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72. to admit it, but—
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73. "Avast, ye scalawags!
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74. "I am Swash Buckler,
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75. scourge of the
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76. Seven Seas!
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77. Look not to this coward
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78. for salvation!
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79. With Swash Buckler
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80. at the helm,
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81. the horizon holds treasures
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82. to last to your dying days!
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83. There's no chains
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84. to hold you now, men!"
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85. "Fill the sails
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86. with freedom's wind!
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87. And throw that bloated symbol
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88. of yesteryear to the sharks!"
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89. Yeah!
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90. Put me down!
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91. What are you doing?
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92. Ha-ha!
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93. Who are you, stranger?
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94. Who am I?
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95. Why, I'm your new
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96. Swash Buckler, m'lady!
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97. No you're not, sir!
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98. Put me down.
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99. You're not seriously
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100. considering this hack, are you?
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101. You are!
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102. You are, aren't you!
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103. Look at me!
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104. What do I do, Karen?
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105. A second ago I didn't have
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106. a Swash Buckler
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107. and now I've got two!
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108. Maybe you should do callbacks
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109. and then decide?
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110. Hmm.
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111. Oliver would hate that...
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112. Callbacks!
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113. Ha! I've never been
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114. so insulted in my life.
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115. Who is this arrogant,
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116. incompetent, pompous—
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117. Mortimer... Drake.
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118. And, um,
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119. don't be so hard on Zee.
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120. She's just trying to make sure
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121. the right person
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122. gets the role, you know?
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123. As she should!
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124. As long as it's me.
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125. "Dawn breaks
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126. in the west tonight, men.
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127. The laws of this mortal world
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128. no longer bind us.
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129. We are here
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130. to brave the sirens
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131. and sea herself."
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132. Time to push this
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133. pointless competition
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134. over the tipping... point.
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135. "... sailors on
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136. eternity's tides.
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137. So come on girl,
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138. listen to me,
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139. uh huh, uh-huh...
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140. Baby, baby, oh, can't you see?
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141. That me plus you...
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142. equals love that's..."
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143. Are those...
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144. Up Past Eight lyrics?
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145. Thank you, I've heard enough.
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146. But... but...
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147. I take the theater
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148. very seriously, sir.
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149. Perhaps as Oliver's understudy
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150. you'll see that
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151. there's no room
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152. for these sorts of
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153. sophomoric jokes
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154. on my stage.
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155. Of course.
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156. I respect your decision.
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157. The important thing is that
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158. the right person gets the role.
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159. "Ready the Impolite Minnow.
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160. My Uncle will rue the day
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161. he crossed me."
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162. "Of course, Lady Catharine.
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163. We'll reach the channel
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164. by sundown...
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165. and my men shall—"
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166. You!
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167. I'm warning you, Drake.
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168. No funny business tonight.
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169. I'm sure I don't know
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170. what you're
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171. talking about, Queen.
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172. Oh, you know perfectly well
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173. what I'm talking about!
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174. You've been trying to
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175. sabotage me
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176. ever since I...
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177. sabotaged you
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178. in callbacks.
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179. Well I know your game, Drake.
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180. Wait.
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181. You sabotaged
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182. his audition?
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183. Of course!
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184. The best person
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185. had to have the role!
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186. I... agree.
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187. So you will be playing
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188. Swash Buckler tonight.
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189. What?
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190. I need a leading man
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191. with character,
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192. which you clearly don't have.
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193. Sabotaging a rival, why,
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194. it's an insult to the theater!
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195. Thanks for the opportunity.
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196. Sorry, Oliver. But, um,
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197. look at it this way.
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198. Now you'll have a chance
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199. to redeem yourself.
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200. You know,
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201. to be the bigger man!
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202. Maybe you lost the part,
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203. but you can gain
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204. something even better!
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205. Your integrity.
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206. You can stand up and say,
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207. "I did wrong and I accept
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208. the consequences."
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209. No, that doesn't
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210. sound like me.
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211. I'm gonna go trash
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212. his dressing room instead.
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213. Ahhh!
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214. Ugh, no style!
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215. - Look at this shirt,
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216. it's last season!
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217. Huh?
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218. Hmm. A fifth grade production
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219. of The Three Musketeers?
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220. Pssh. How cliche.
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221. "The cast is generally strong.
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222. However, Morty Drake
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223. is horribly out of his depth
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224. as D'Artagnan.
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225. It's an embarrassing turn
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226. from an 11-year-old
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227. who lacks
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228. the necessary gravitas
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229. for the part."
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230. Once a hack,
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231. always a hack.
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232. "On the other end
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233. of the spectrum...
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234. Zee Zatara was radiant in
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235. the role of Milady de Winter,
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236. acting circles around
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237. hapless Morty Drake."
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238. "Up anchor, men!
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239. Sail east,
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240. to the heart of
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241. King James' dominion!
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242. Let's show him how
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243. the Impolite Minnow
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244. earned her name!"
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245. "Oh, But Swash,
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246. how can we evade
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247. my uncle's entire fleet?"
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248. "Fear not, Lady Catharine.
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249. I have experience
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250. in treacherous waters
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251. with sharks lurking below,
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252. their sharp teeth ready
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253. to shred your dreams."
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254. What?
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255. Wait, that isn't the line...
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256. I, too,
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257. have had dreams crushed,
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258. Lady Catharine.
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259. I know the exquisite sting
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260. of public humiliation,
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261. repeating that awful experience
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262. in your mind
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263. until you realize
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264. that you'll never escape!
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265. I know what it's like
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266. to be stuck in the
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267. worst day imaginable,
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268. the day my life
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269. was ruined by...
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270. - you, Zee Zatara!
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271. What are you doing?
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272. Hear my name well,
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273. for it is the last
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274. that shall ever
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275. reach your ears.
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276. I am...
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277. The Cavalier!
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278. Though perhaps
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279. you might remember me
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280. by a different name.
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281. Does Mortimer Drake
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282. ring a bell?
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283. Morty Drake, you know...
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284. I was D'Artagnan
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285. to your Milady de Winter?
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286. Central City Elementary?
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287. I... I meet so many people...
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288. Gah!
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289. You shall pay for your crimes,
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290. Zee Zatara!
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291. I shall have my revenge!
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292. Fear not, fair lady!
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293. Green Arrow
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294. is here to save you!
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295. Ew, ew, get off! Get off!
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296. Who asked you
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297. to save anybody?
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298. Ha! Give me a sword!
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299. This is the
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300. weirdest play ever.
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301. En garde!
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302. Stay out of my way,
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303. Green Arrow.
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304. Or taste the bitter steel
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305. of my blade!
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306. Never, Cavalier!
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307. I will always protect
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308. my friends!
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309. Even friends I hate,
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310. like Zee Zatara!
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311. - Huh?
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312. Eh, you're quite good
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313. with a blade, Cavalier.
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314. But you've never
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315. faced anything
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316. like what's in my quiver.
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317. Ha! Your aim
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318. is as muddled
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319. as your elocution,
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320. Green Arrow.
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321. How dare you criticize
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322. my delivery!
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323. Meet my cannonball arrow.
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324. Lower the curtain, Karen!
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325. My play is ruined!
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326. Raise the curtain, Karen!
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327. My play is a triumph!
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328. You deserve
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329. those bad reviews,
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330. you melodramatic hack!
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331. And you've got about
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332. as much stage presence as her!
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333. Hey!
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334. Ha!
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335. Ha, ha!
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336. Oh!
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337. Ha!
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338. Oh!
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339. - Ha!
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340. Prepare for your final
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341. curtain call, Green Arrow...
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342. There's only one way
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343. to stop you...
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344. My Heckler Arrows.
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345. Always knew
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346. they'd come in handy
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347. some day.
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348. No! Make it stop! Please!
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349. No!
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350. Remember me, friends.
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351. As a villain,
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352. a rogue,
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353. a pirate captain in a facile,
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354. witless play...
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355. What?
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356. remember me most of all
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357. for that which
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358. burns in my soul...
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359. remember me...
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360. always as... an...
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361. actor.
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362. Cavalier! I didn't mean...
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363. I never...
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364. I'm so sorry.
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365. Thank you. Thank you.
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366. You're remarkable!
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367. That was the most
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368. convincing death scene
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369. I've ever witnessed.
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370. I was lying before,
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371. your delivery
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372. is exquisite.
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373. You could even make
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374. this terrible play sound good.
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375. Oh. You're too kind.
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376. Your immense talent shows
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377. right through her
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378. unimaginative direction.
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379. And how about her acting?
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380. As dynamic as a wet cloth
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381. draped over a radiator.
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382. Okay. I'm right here, guys,
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383. you know, right here.
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384. - A-ha!
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