1. Daybreak is taped
before a live studio audience.
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2. Jaden Thompson McGee?
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3. You ate him.
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4. Jaden Unger?
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5. You ate him too.
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6. Jaden Hoyles?
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7. That's his skeleton.
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8. Um, Josh Wheeler?
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9. Wheeler?
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10. I'm here. Don't eat me.
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11. Please.
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12. I just had a niçoise salad.
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13. Today's lesson is on neurogenesis.
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14. Now, our brains are in constant growth
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15. and healing.
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16. Now!
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17. Okay. Guys...
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18. Come on. You guys...
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19. This is actually
really inspiring stuff, okay?
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20. Our brains have over 100 billion neurons
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21. and 300 miles of blood vessels.
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22. Right?
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23. - Blood.
- Uh-oh.
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24. Here we go again.
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25. Who is that? Who is laughing?
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26. Cut! Everybody take five!
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27. All right, everyone.
You heard her. Five minutes.
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28. - So we have some notes.
- Shut the fuck up, fat man.
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29. Okay. So good stuff,
but after Josh says...
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30. What's your fucking line, Josh?
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31. Uh... "Uh-oh. Here we go again!"
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32. Yeah.
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33. Then you bite his face off.
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34. Okay. My life is not a sitcom.
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35. You're not a director.
You're my friend.
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36. No! I am a for real person.
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37. I think I need
some professional help here.
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38. I know what you need.
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39. Come on.
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40. Let's get you this CBD latte,
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41. pour some Russian dressing on Josh,
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42. and you can gobble his face
like a reuben sandwich.
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43. I don't eat kids!
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44. I don't eat kids.
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45. What happened at the cereal factory,
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46. that wasn't you.
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47. How does it look?
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48. Like cotton candy took a shit
on pepperoni pizza.
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49. Something is wrong with my mind.
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50. I thought I was in a sitcom,
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51. and you were the director.
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52. I'm going crazy.
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53. Crazier.
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54. Crazier-er?
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55. Crazier-er-er?
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56. It's just backne.
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57. Some Clearasil, and you'll be back
to being Ms. Crumble.
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58. My name is not Crumble.
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59. Do I remember my name?
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60. Something is happening to me.
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61. I need your help.
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62. I'll be back in five.
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63. What's going on?
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64. You look like an ad for depression meds
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65. whose side effects include
uncomfortable prolonged erections.
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66. I told them we faked Sam's death.
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67. It was the honorable thing to do.
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68. Your Bushido code can
suck my fucking dick!
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69. Sam's still alive.
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70. She's Turbo's prisoner at the high school.
KJ saw her too.
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71. Why are you still speaking Chinese?
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72. She speaks English.
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73. Speak English?
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74. Speak English!
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75. - Speak!
- Ladies aren't Chow Chows yo!
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76. Show some respec.
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77. I pamper my Mavis like a goddess.
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78. 24k foot rubs all day, baby.
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79. Look! This isn't
about your pretend girlfriend!
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80. Sam is in the high school,
and you assholes manipulated me.
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81. You're supposed to be my friends!
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82. Listen,
you naive Canadian shart blossom,
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83. you think everyone's supposed to be
so nice all the time.
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84. Well, the world isn't filled
with sunflowers and puppies
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85. whose farts smell like cinnamon buns.
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86. I lied!
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87. And I'd do it again!
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88. We saved you from being monched
by Ghoulies or dying from an infection.
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89. So how about instead of giving us grief,
like a Jewish bubby at Yom Kippur,
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90. you just say “thank you,”
and we can all get back to our lives.
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91. He's kicking us out?
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92. I'm sorry!
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93. Don't be a savage. You're above that.
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94. We can still save Sam.
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95. Your skills, Angelica's brains, my swords.
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96. Ain't nothing we can't do together.
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97. Well, I don't need this shit.
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98. You won't be so smug
when I'm a Cheermazon!
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99. A kickass Cheermazon!
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100. Ugh!
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101. Take care of yourself, Eli.
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102. This rōnin got to get roaming.
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103. Hey! You can't keep me out of my own mall.
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104. I'm like herpes! I always come back!
You hear me!
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105. A big mountain lip of herpes!
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106. I'm coming for you, Sam.
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107. Time for breakfast, Turbo!
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108. Looks banging.
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109. Just what a growing boy needs
to stay shredded.
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110. It's from the TB12 cookbook.
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111. Vegan, paleo, and everything.
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112. Sign up for the Golf Team!
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113. Please!
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114. Hey, you guys are athletic. Must be nice.
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115. You know what else is nice?
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116. A good day on the green with the bros.
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117. Hey, have you seen Happy Gilmore?
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118. Great movie.
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119. It could be you.
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120. - Hi.
- Any takers?
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121. The Golf Team is cursed.
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122. There's no such thing.
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123. The dramatic decline in membership
suggests otherwise.
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124. Sounds like quitting words.
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125. I'm giving out free caramels.
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126. If you want to play, get a new game.
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127. But I have a nine handicap.
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128. I have an "I don't give a crap."
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129. One game?
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130. Shit.
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131. You're like a Swiss army knife
with only a toothpick.
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132. He thinks everything is poison.
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133. He's gone paranoid.
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134. We both know Gary wasn't a traitor.
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135. Turbo set him up.
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136. Something has to be done.
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137. Maybe we can help find a solution.
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138. What happened to Gary...
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139. and Larry...
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140. and Jerry...
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141. and Terry...
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142. is not gonna happen to Barry.
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143. I'm just gonna stand here
until I get a new team together.
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144. Well, I don't play
golf, Barry, but...
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145. my real name is Mary.
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146. Josh Wheeler.
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147. Angelica Green said
she would be back in five.
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148. And it has been 147.
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149. I kicked Angelica out of the mall.
Her and Wesley and Eli.
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150. What? But you and...
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151. she and...
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152. and I...
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153. You understand what I'm saying?
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154. Do you understand what you're saying?
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155. I need her.
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156. She's a sociopath.
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157. She's a little girl.
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158. She was fine on her own before.
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159. I thought you were a good kid.
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160. You know, not very bright.
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161. Sad haircut.
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162. Worst taste in music.
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163. But still a very good kid.
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164. I felt bad that you didn't have
any friends.
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165. But you're really just a C student.
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166. Hmm? C!
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167. As in...
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168. you're a real piece of shit.
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169. That doesn't even...
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170. Look, I did what I had to do.
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171. I didn't ask to be in charge.
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172. I'm the adult.
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173. I am the teacher!
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174. And if you don't bring Angelica back,
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175. I will pour Russian dressing on your face
and eat you like a reuben!
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176. I'm... I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
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177. I don't know what a reuben is.
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178. I think it's a Jewish accountant.
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179. Look, she went with the Cheermazons.
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180. And I found this flyer.
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181. It'll tell you where they are.
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182. Angelica?
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183. Is anyone here?
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184. Hello?
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185. Cheermazons?
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186. Um...
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187. What am I doing here?
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188. I forgot my line.
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189. No, I think...
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190. Am I in a band?
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191. Yes!
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192. Yes, I know. I'm in a band.
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193. Hello, Van Nuys!
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194. We are the all-female
Latina Morrissey cover band.
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195. We are Girlfriends in a Coma.
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196. What the hell is this?
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197. You suck!
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198. Principal Burr! Hi!
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199. Um, Mike! I...
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200. I didn't know you like Morrissey.
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201. Or The Smiths.
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202. Or bars, or having a good time.
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203. Do the students know about this?
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204. I mean, you make it sound like
singing in a all-female
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205. Latina Morrissey cover band
is some pervy fetish or something.
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206. You had to legally change your name
to Crumble because you cried in class.
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207. What are the kids gonna do
if they find out about this?
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208. Maybe they'll think I'm cool.
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209. You try so hard to connect
to the students.
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210. And then Jacob Alexander
puts weed in all the Bunsen burners.
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211. I am an excellent teacher.
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212. I'm a very good teacher.
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213. I'm a good teacher.
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214. I'm an adequate teacher.
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215. I'm a teacher.
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216. Kids are bullies, and mean.
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217. And they will consume you whole.
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218. Not if I eat 'em first, am I right?
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219. We'll talk about that later.
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220. Ooh!
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221. The reason the students don't respect you
is because you're torn.
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222. Singer or teacher,
you have to make a choice.
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223. I'm allowed to have a life.
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224. Hobbies make a well-rounded individual.
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225. I, for example, take a sommelier class
at Sur La Table.
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226. Morrissey is...
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227. my spirit animal.
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228. You don't understand what he means
to a girl from Pacoima
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229. who religiously listened to K-Rock.
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230. Morrissey understands
what it's like to feel worthless.
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231. And that makes me feel worth... ful.
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232. Maybe you can try découpage.
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233. You know what?
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234. Fuck you!
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235. Cut!
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236. You're not committing to the role.
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237. I'm... I'm confused.
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238. Is this what actually happened?
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239. Or do I just think we had sex
because Burr said that we did?
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240. Is this a flashback or a nightmare?
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241. Yes.
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242. Hey!
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243. I need help rescuing Sam
from the high school.
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244. Would you please help me?
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245. Look!
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246. I just tried to have a guy killed.
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247. My friends are liars,
and I don't even know who I am anymore.
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248. I have to get Sam from the high school.
She needs me.
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249. I can't do it alone.
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250. Why are you avoiding me? Is it...
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251. Is it because of...
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252. sex?
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253. I know you don't want people to know
you speak English, but talk to me!
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254. And stay the fuck out!
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255. I'm totes fine out here!
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256. Sun's out, guns out!
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257. Halt!
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258. Members only.
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259. I like totes...
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260. cracked your code. Totes.
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261. It's Hohmann Country Club.
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262. Make it harder next time.
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263. I don't recognize you.
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264. My name is...
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265. Reuben San-du-val-wich.
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266. You have a boy's name.
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267. I was named after my grandfather.
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268. He was a Jewish accountant.
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269. To get inside, show me your bling.
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270. Okay.
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271. Welcome to the Cheermazons,
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272. Reuben San-du-val-wich.
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273. Hope you survive the experience.
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274. Orientation starts now.
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275. New recruits, gather around!
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276. They call us bitches,
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277. chicks,
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278. cock wallets,
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279. and witches.
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280. But I call us women.
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281. Ladies!
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282. - Goddesses!
- Angelica.
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283. Providers and sisters.
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284. You are all queens.
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285. Woo!
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286. In this garden,
no one will tell you to smile more,
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287. or talk less.
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288. Being over-dramatic or too loud?
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289. Never. You are everything.
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290. We are the Triumvirate...
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291. the three leaders of the Cheermazons.
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292. Three is a magic number,
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293. and binary is basic as shit.
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294. In geometry,
the triangle is the strongest shape.
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295. In chemistry,
the triangle represents change.
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296. In order to join our ranks,
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297. you have to pass the gauntlet.
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298. Three tests to see if you are worthy.
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299. Testing your mental acuity,
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300. physical dexterity, and spiritual harmony.
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301. It's time for you Facetune maggots
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302. to show us what you fucking got!
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303. Angelica.
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304. Girls are taught
that desire is a gluttony.
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305. That we have to starve ourselves
to please a man.
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306. This is your first test.
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307. All the food that you see is delicious,
and all of it is toxic.
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308. One thing...
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309. is safe to consume.
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310. Figure it out, and you get to move on.
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311. But take one wrong bite,
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312. and you'll be spraying caca fuego
for a month.
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313. Bon appétit.
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314. I'm sorry. Can we cut?
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315. All right! Let's take a five!
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316. I'm surrounded by amateurs.
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317. Fucking amateurs!
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318. Little Leni Riefenstahl is pissed.
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319. I'm sorry. I'm just...
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320. It's no offense, but...
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321. I would never have sex with you. I...
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322. - It just feels really wrong.
- It's in the script.
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323. We have the sex, we eat,
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324. and then you tell me
that you choose teaching over singing.
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325. You want to be like one of those teachers
you see on TV.
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326. Yeah. Um...
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327. You want to inspire those kids.
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328. "I want to help students understand
why they feel so lost."
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329. It's just biology.
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330. The amygdala develops first
in a teenager's brain.
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331. It controls emotions
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332. "and all the bad decisions that kids make."
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333. "And kids make lots and lots
of bad decisions."
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334. You're like a hot Jaime Escalante.
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335. Wait. What is this next part?
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336. I ask you to change some grades.
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337. And I tell you no?
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338. Mm, that's not how the scene goes.
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339. Why would I say yes?
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340. I need you to raise the school GPA
to get a grant.
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341. It's just Demi Anderson,
Barry Kirkwood,
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342. Albert Yang.
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343. Well, I guess if it helps the school.
Right?
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344. And I can be very persuasive.
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345. You?
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346. Yeah. You're like a Honda Civic who wished
to become a real boy.
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347. Hondas are reliable,
safety tested,
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348. and you drove this one a lot,
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349. and by that I mean we had the sex.
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350. Yeah, okay, I...
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351. Can you please stop calling it "the sex!"
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352. I've changed since I had Hoyles arrested.
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353. Assertive.
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354. All females are attracted
to an apex predator.
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355. Uh...
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356. A hot Jaime Escalante
would not fuck her boss.
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357. Or change grades to please him.
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358. What the fuck is wrong with me?
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359. Well...
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360. at least the dumplings are still good.
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361. Oh, it's gonna come out both ends!
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362. It burns!
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363. Should it be that color?
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364. It's so musky!
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365. Here comes the butt soup!
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366. Congratulations.
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367. All of the food was poisoned?
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368. The human body can survive
three weeks without food.
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369. But you can't survive without water.
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370. To be a Cheermazon, you have to be smart.
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371. Goodbye, Eli!
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372. Hey! Wait a minute.
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373. I see what's happening to you.
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374. You were infected
when you walked into the mall
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375. and got that first glorious hit
of Johnny Depp cologne and pizza bites.
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376. Now it's in your blood.
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377. You want the mall all to yourself.
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378. I call it “The Hunger.”
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379. Trademark Eli.
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380. - I'm not like you, Eli.
- Yeah, you're worse.
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381. I might be a dick, but you're a dick
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382. imitating a dick thinking
that you're not a dick.
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383. I don't want the mall, Eli!
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384. I just want to save Sam.
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385. Something has to be done.
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386. Turbo's acting all kinds of insane.
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387. He's not eating.
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388. Hunger can make anyone go a bit bonkers.
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389. What else you growing in your garden?
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390. What else?
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391. Do you know how hard it is
to grow a strawberry in the apocalypse?
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392. I've been toiling in that garden
for months trying to get anything edible.
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393. The first batch was glowing.
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394. The second batch had spider legs
and crawled away.
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395. And then after all that,
I got to thinking...
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396. sunflowers.
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397. Sunflowers absorb radiation.
They purify the soil.
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398. So now,
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399. we have strawberries.
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400. And berries are a superfood.
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401. It's pretty fucking smart.
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402. How'd you learn that sunflower bit?
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403. Ms. Crumble's biology class.
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404. Look, Turbo's problem is
more than just an empty tum-tum.
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405. He framed Gary.
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406. Had him killed.
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407. Oh! Barry I'm so sorry. I...
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408. Turbo's leading us down a dangerous path.
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409. More people are gonna die.
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410. Um, why have you come here?
What can I do?
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411. You're Sam Fucking Dean.
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412. Move it, ladies.
The second test awaits.
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413. What the fuck are you doing here?
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414. I need you to fix me.
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415. Come on. Let's go back home.
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416. I don't have a home.
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417. Josh excommunicated my tuckus.
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418. - I can't go back.
- You can't stay here.
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419. These are mean girls.
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420. How did you figure out
the water was safe to drink?
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421. She said all the food was toxic.
She didn't mention the water.
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422. You remembered Demi.
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423. You solved the first test. You might
actually be getting your shit together.
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424. No, no, my shit is not together.
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425. My shit is like
a Health Valley granola bar
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426. that feels solid, but when you open it up,
there's shit everywhere.
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427. My shit is also very hungry.
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428. The Cheermazons are strong and safe.
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429. If we get through the gauntlet,
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430. we can have a new home here.
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431. And then...
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432. then I can help you get better.
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433. Recruits, meet your second test.
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434. Mall Santas like these
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435. wouldn't let me sit on their lap
and tell them what toy I wanted
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436. unless I took off my hijab.
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437. I want you to kill these racist assholes
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438. with your bare hands!
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439. Are you not entertained?
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440. Seize that thing.
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441. Oh, my God!
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442. Everyone calm down!
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443. Just Eli!
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444. Eli?
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445. Eli, I know you're in here!
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446. Ugh, he's going to the roof.
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447. Eli!
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448. Eli, come out!
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449. I'm sorry I pulled the fire alarm.
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450. But I wanted to get your attention, Josh.
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451. I have been watching you.
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452. You're a good guy.
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453. Now all of a sudden, not so much.
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454. And since you've pushed away
and pissed off everyone
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455. who cares about you,
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456. I thought you might want
to talk to someone.
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457. Who the hell are you?
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458. Duh!
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459. I'm Mavis.
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460. I don't understand.
You've been here the whole time?
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461. Come here. I want to show you something.
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462. She's not a Ghoulie.
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463. She's not a woman.
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464. She's Ms. Crumble.
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465. Fuck.
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466. What are you?
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467. How are you still alive?
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468. Patsy is gonna be so pissed
if I don't get these sodas
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469. to the Booster Club
before the Royal Court parade.
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470. Oh, your school spirit is so hot.
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471. Homecoming really turns me on.
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472. Ew!
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473. When did you get this necklace?
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474. Oh, it's nice, right? It's real gold.
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475. You look like an idiot.
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476. Jay-Z has one just like it.
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477. Where did you get that?
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478. Hey, you want
the matching tennis bracelet
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479. with red and white topaz?
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480. Demi Anderson's mom...
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481. owns a Zales.
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482. I changed Demi Anderson's grade
from a C-minus to a B-plus.
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483. There is no grant.
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484. You're taking bribes for changing grades,
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485. and I helped you! You...
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486. - You manipulated me!
- Oh, please!
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487. Your morality is so flexible,
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488. you took bronze at the Sochi Olympics.
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489. Stop laughing at me.
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490. Singing for a Morrissey cover band is sad.
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491. Being 32 and sending 100% emojis
is even sadder.
Copy !req
492. Stop laughing.
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493. You're so desperate, you had sex with me.
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494. And my Pornhub search history
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495. includes upset mothers, runaway train,
and little spoon.
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496. Ew!
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497. I thought you were a good guy.
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498. Aw!
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499. I played by the rules,
and all I got was IBS.
Copy !req
500. Kids are assholes, you know that.
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501. So I'm taking what I deserve.
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502. Jay-Z says, "Don't go with the flow.
Be the flow."
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503. I'm the flow!
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504. I'm in charge.
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505. Isn't that what you want?
To control your own life.
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506. You and I,
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507. we can turn Glendale
into our own personal Sizzler.
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508. Let's do this together, Crumble.
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509. That's not my name.
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510. I need to speak to Angelica.
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511. Cut!
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512. What's up?
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513. I know what's going on here.
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514. I know why I'm on a sitcom.
I know why you're the director.
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515. I needed you, Angelica, to tell me why...
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516. I'm a mess.
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517. To explain why I'm changing.
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518. But you're the kid.
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519. I'm the teacher.
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520. I wanted to be like
those teachers I saw on TV.
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521. God, they always had
the right thing to say,
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522. and they meant so much to their students.
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523. I wanted to be someone's Morrissey.
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524. I wanted to matter.
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525. I didn't.
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526. Burr made me feel wanted.
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527. He made me feel necessary and important.
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528. I shouldn't have slept with Burr,
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529. or change the grades, but...
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530. I did.
Copy !req
531. Even adults struggle
with an evolving amygdala,
Copy !req
532. and we make bad decisions.
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533. That doesn't mean I'm not a strong woman.
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534. We are not perfect.
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535. We are trainwrecks.
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536. We are monsters.
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537. That's what makes us human.
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538. I'm...
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539. human.
Copy !req
540. And I need you to know,
I know what happened to me.
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541. I don't know how we survived the bomb,
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542. but I know Burr pushed me down the stairs.
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543. I have a traumatic brain injury.
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544. I'm not crazy.
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545. You are crazy.
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546. Crazy dangerous.
Copy !req
547. We handle this the Cheermazon way.
Use your voices.
Copy !req
548. Vote.
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549. Up or down.
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550. Live...
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551. or die.
Copy !req
552. Pledges?
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553. What's it gonna be, Angelica?
Copy !req
554. Binary is basic.
Copy !req
555. So the answer can't be live or die.
Copy !req
556. The Cheeramzons rule in three.
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557. There's a third choice.
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558. Crumble and I are leaving.
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559. You're not going anywhere, Slimer!
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560. Cheermazons never group-think.
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561. You other mindless lemmings can go.
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562. Only Angelica passed the gauntlet.
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563. This...
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564. was the final test?
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565. Welcome to the Cheermazons.
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566. Turbo is out of control.
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567. You might be the only one
who can get him back in line.
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568. A political coup?
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569. Drama!
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570. Kids need help and guidance.
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571. You and I,
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572. we always used to do that so well.
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573. Remember that one time
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574. all those freshman got syphilis,
and I helped you figure out
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575. that it came from that Mormon kid
who got it from his Mom's best friend?
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576. We can do that again.
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577. Us, together.
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578. The kids need it.
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579. We can't keep living like this,
Principal Burr.
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580. Things have to get back to normal.
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581. We wanna make an arrangement.
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582. As a gesture of goodwill,
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583. we brought you supper.
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584. The last kid you'll eat.
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585. You're okay with this, Barry?
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586. I don't have anyone left and...
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587. berries are a superfood.
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588. I've had time to think
while I've been here,
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589. and I absolutely agree with you, Sam.
Things have to get back to normal.
Copy !req
590. Mm.
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591. Starting now.
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592. Welcome to the Cheermazons,
Angelica Green.
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593. Wait. Where are you going?
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594. How did you know that song?
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595. You sing it in your sleep.
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596. Our brains are constantly healing.
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597. I even remember my name now.
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598. - What is it?
- It doesn't matter.
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599. I'm not that person anymore.
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600. I'm becoming someone else.
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601. I think it's best if I go.
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602. No.
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603. No, please don't.
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604. Please.
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605. Stay here with me.
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606. You don't need me.
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607. I need you.
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608. Well,
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609. I am an excellent teacher.
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610. You painted the bomb?
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611. No, dum-dum.
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612. It's a tree.
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613. We are a tree.
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614. Different parts, different tribes.
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615. All searching for an identity.
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616. We're all different,
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617. but also all connected.
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618. All together.
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619. I'm sorry. Is this real
or a hallucination?
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620. Yes.
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621. Well, it has to be one or the other.
Copy !req
622. I had all these rules for the apocalypse.
Copy !req
623. Don't get attached. Keep to yourself.
Copy !req
624. But the biggest rule,
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625. don't be a dick.
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626. Broke my own rule.
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627. I'm such a dick!
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628. Before the bombs went off,
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629. I broke her heart.
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630. What I never told anyone is,
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631. I broke up with Sam.
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