1. In the time
when fire rained down from heavenCopy !req
2. and dust storms swept in from the east,Copy !req
3. a hero arose with a dope-ass name:Copy !req
4. Wesley Fists.Copy !req
5. Born in the hamlet of Compton,
Wesley's father was a dentist.Copy !req
6. His mother played Scratchers
and smoked Newports.Copy !req
7. From the time he could throw a punch,Copy !req
8. Fists trained
in the dojo of kung fu cinema.Copy !req
9. His favorites were Shogun Assassin,Copy !req
10. The Five Deadly Venoms,Copy !req
11. and of course, Enter the Dragon.Copy !req
12. But after hearing Enter the Wu-Tang,Copy !req
13. young Fists imagined me
narrating his life,Copy !req
14. The RZA,Copy !req
15. AKA The RZArectorCopy !req
16. AKA RZA RZA Razor Sharp,Copy !req
17. AKA The Abbot with the Golden Tablet,Copy !req
18. AKA Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah,Copy !req
19. AKA The Divine Prince Master Rakeem,Copy !req
20. AKA Bobby Digital,Copy !req
21. AKA Bobby Boulders,Copy !req
22. AKA Bobby Steels,Copy !req
23. AKA Daddy Diggs,Copy !req
24. AKA The Fatal Flying Guillotine Karrier.Copy !req
25. He knew I understood
what a warrior's soul wasCopy !req
26. and I could say shit like "saga"Copy !req
27. and "bring the motherfucking ruckus"
without sounding like a sucka.Copy !req
28. At the age 15, Fists's parents took
the arduous trek up the deadly 110 freewayCopy !req
29. to live in the village of Glendale.Copy !req
30. Fists thrived in his new environment.Copy !req
31. A defensive back of the first string,Copy !req
32. 11 sacks, ten interceptions,
five pick sixes.Copy !req
33. Shit, this kid was almost invincible.Copy !req
34. In the apocalypse,
our hero has taken on a mantle of rōnin,Copy !req
35. a wandering soul seeking redemption
for a heinous crime.Copy !req
36. A haunting tragedy yet to be revealed.Copy !req
37. To wit, Wesley gained new compatriotsCopy !req
38. with less dope names
like Josh and Angelica.Copy !req
39. Friends whom Wesley
might call family, but...Copy !req
40. his heart belongs to another...Copy !req
41. the villainous Turbo Bro Jock.Copy !req
42. Which side is this warrior gonna choose?Copy !req
43. DAYBREAKCopy !req
44. HOMECOMING REDUXCopy !req
45. So which are you gonna choose?Copy !req
46. Choose?Copy !req
47. Songs!Copy !req
48. For the homecoming dance playlist?Copy !req
49. This is no mere playlist.Copy !req
50. This is no mere
homecoming dance do-over.Copy !req
51. We rescued these kids from Baron Triumph.Copy !req
52. This is a Saturnalia
to the wonder of life,Copy !req
53. drinking from the water fountain of youth.Copy !req
54. Tonight, we stare the Grim Reaper
in the face, and we say,Copy !req
55. "If you like it,
then you should've put a ring on it."Copy !req
56. This is the soundtrack of our lives!Copy !req
57. Uh...Copy !req
58. Is this you? Uh, KJ?Copy !req
59. What does that stand for?Copy !req
60. Keung Jung?Copy !req
61. Uh, Kim Jong?Copy !req
62. Okay, look, we can't just let anyone in.Copy !req
63. Someone's gotta make sure
you 'fugees are copacetic.Copy !req
64. You remember ICE?Copy !req
65. Well, I'm the new ICE.Copy !req
66. Okay, I need you to sign
this oath of allegiance.Copy !req
67. Basically, you got to do
what I say at all times.Copy !req
68. And you can't make fun of me
behind my backCopy !req
69. like Dana Rappaport did
when I sharted in the third grade.Copy !req
70. Oh, and also,
it automatically casts a vote for meCopy !req
71. as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.Copy !req
72. This counts as a vote!Copy !req
73. Eyes on your own work!Copy !req
74. This isn't a test.Copy !req
75. It's art therapy.Copy !req
76. My psychiatrist had me do this to examine
subconscious emotions in my drawing.Copy !req
77. I painted an untamed unicorn baby gouging
her mommy unicorn in the uterus.Copy !req
78. But it didn't mean anything.Copy !req
79. Why are you using spiders?Copy !req
80. The black widow represents death,Copy !req
81. and the brown widow represents death.Copy !req
82. They duel because all of life is death.Copy !req
83. And brown is the new black.Copy !req
84. Turn it down! Turn the music down!Copy !req
85. Turn it down! The music, turn it down!Copy !req
86. The Ghoulie part of the Witch
is super sensitive to loud noise.Copy !req
87. Shit! I was only playing this on chill.Copy !req
88. I barely got to thumping.
What happens when I get to cranking?Copy !req
89. If you pump up the volume tonight,Copy !req
90. we'll be doing The Electric Slide
with a horde of Ghoulies.Copy !req
91. Hard to make the soundtrack of our lives
with no soundtrack.Copy !req
92. Maybe this is a bad idea,Copy !req
93. recreating what we we'll
never really have again.Copy !req
94. You're missing Sam pretty hard.Copy !req
95. We were gonna go to the dance together.Copy !req
96. She was gonna be Homecoming Queen.Copy !req
97. I know what you need.Copy !req
98. Maybe you should try masturbating.Copy !req
99. Dude...Copy !req
100. Also, you should try masturbating.Copy !req
101. A warrior will rub one out
before heading into battle.Copy !req
102. I thought samurai were like monks,
you know, on a strict NoFap diet.Copy !req
103. Samurai are the samurai
of burping the worm.Copy !req
104. Why you think
action figures got kung fu grip?Copy !req
105. You seem more chill than usual.Copy !req
106. Did saving all these kids, you know,
fulfill your quest for redemption?Copy !req
107. Don't write off the dance, brother.
Could be cathartic.Copy !req
108. Anyway, I'm heading out.
Gotta feed Triumph and Turbo.Copy !req
109. - I'll go with you.
- I got it.Copy !req
110. You use your survival skills
to solve this noise issue.Copy !req
111. Hey, hey, uh...Copy !req
112. What about Mastermind by Deltron 3030
for the soundtrack?Copy !req
113. Right? Yeah?Copy !req
114. There's only one reason
a man would ventureCopy !req
115. into the dangerous wasteland
all by his lonesome...Copy !req
116. Because he is a traitorous whelp
looking for a nooner.Copy !req
117. What about Josh?Copy !req
118. He's a friend.Copy !req
119. Don't get jealous.Copy !req
120. I'm not gonna let you do that.Copy !req
121. Why?Copy !req
122. Because he beat you?Copy !req
123. Because he left you here?Copy !req
124. I came back.Copy !req
125. Let it go.Copy !req
126. Don't get jealous.Copy !req
127. You want me to kill Josh?Copy !req
128. You punishing me for having a friend?Copy !req
129. Wesley Fists was familiar
with the rock and the hard place.Copy !req
130. He'd been there before,Copy !req
131. forced into choosing
a side on the battleground of life.Copy !req
132. - Homecoming, y'all!
- Whoo!Copy !req
133. - Compton on notice!
- Whoo!Copy !req
134. - We goin' to state!
- Whoo!Copy !req
135. - We dominate!
- Whoo!Copy !req
136. - Goin' hard like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
137. - Rollin' hard like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
138. - Hornets be like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
139. - Turbo be like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
140. - Hornets be like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
141. - Seize the crown like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
142. Seize the crown!Copy !req
143. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
144. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
145. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
146. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
147. We got your back!Copy !req
148. 'Sup, Wes?Copy !req
149. 'Sup, Emmett?Copy !req
150. Emmett was Wesley's third cousin
on his mama's side and his best friend.Copy !req
151. Gentlemen, welcome
to Glendale High School,Copy !req
152. but we have a strict no visitor policy.Copy !req
153. Yeah? Why is that?Copy !req
154. Your little posh crew gonna
get all jumpy around us niggas?Copy !req
155. No. What? What?Copy !req
156. No. No, we're all woke here.Copy !req
157. Uh, wide awoke.Copy !req
158. No, it's an administrative measure
for safetyCopy !req
159. and has nothing to do
with any form of institutionalized racism.Copy !req
160. But I am gonna have to ask your coach
to escort you off campusCopy !req
161. in a totally non-racist way.Copy !req
162. - Coach?
- It's all good, all right?Copy !req
163. Our bus just got here early.Copy !req
164. Stretching our legs,
sussing out the competition.Copy !req
165. Blood's gonna flow
like a chocolate fountainCopy !req
166. at a bar mitzvah, cousin.Copy !req
167. You don't get to call me
cousin no more, traitor.Copy !req
168. I transferred schools, Emmett.Copy !req
169. - It's not on me my pops moved.
- Yeah, it's on you.Copy !req
170. Bowing down
to these privileged white folks.Copy !req
171. - Why don't you step the fuck back.
- Hey, chill.Copy !req
172. Chill, Turbo. Chill!Copy !req
173. Chill. It's all good.Copy !req
174. He's just trying to get me riled up.Copy !req
175. But when you know your enemy
better than you know yourself,Copy !req
176. - the outcome has already been decided.
- You ain't no samurai, you dumb blerd.Copy !req
177. It was fun playing when we was kids,
but that was a game.Copy !req
178. Why you trying to be
something you ain't?Copy !req
179. Man, you would've never said
that shit to Wu-Tang.Copy !req
180. Or Kendrick
when he's trying to be Kung Fu Kenny,Copy !req
181. or Nicki Minaj
when she's trying to play Chun-Li.Copy !req
182. Bitch, I'm on the tip!Copy !req
183. Yeah, like vanilla iced matcha latte.Copy !req
184. You frontin' Asian? You frontin' white?Copy !req
185. Bet you eat
that nasty-ass qui-noa shit too, huh?Copy !req
186. "Quinoa..."Copy !req
187. is fucking delicious.Copy !req
188. Spoken like a true white boy.Copy !req
189. There's only two things I really missCopy !req
190. about the way things were.Copy !req
191. Reading a Nicholas Sparks novel
cover to cover the day it comes outCopy !req
192. and live-tweeting The Bachelor.Copy !req
193. You eat people's hearts.Copy !req
194. Doesn't mean I don't have one.Copy !req
195. Why are you keeping me alive?Copy !req
196. We're not killers.Copy !req
197. I don't like being locked up,Copy !req
198. but watching you
and Turbo has got me hooked.Copy !req
199. The romance, betrayal, secrets.Copy !req
200. What's gonna happen next?Copy !req
201. I don't think you and I
engaging in discourse is advisable.Copy !req
202. Oh?Copy !req
203. Well, who encouraged you
to take AP EnglishCopy !req
204. so you could boost up your GPA?Copy !req
205. You did.Copy !req
206. Who gave you his FilmStruck password
so you could watch those Kurosawa films?Copy !req
207. - You did.
- And who comforted youCopy !req
208. when Jessie Felk broke your heart?Copy !req
209. Omar from The Wire.Copy !req
210. Yeah, but who told you to watch The Wire?Copy !req
211. - You told me to watch season two.
- Season two is amazing.Copy !req
212. Only white dudes like season two!Copy !req
213. You could surgically remove
season two, and no one would miss it.Copy !req
214. Don't you miss this, Wesley?Copy !req
215. Talking around
the proverbial water cooler.Copy !req
216. You're eyeing me like a steak.Copy !req
217. Nah, that's just sympathy.Copy !req
218. I know what you're going through.Copy !req
219. You're being pulled
between two friends, again.Copy !req
220. I remember.Copy !req
221. I know what your cousin said to you
at the pep rally.Copy !req
222. He said, "Ease up, cuz.Copy !req
223. Take it easy on me out there.Copy !req
224. I need this win. You don't.Copy !req
225. You can let me win."Copy !req
226. He even said...Copy !req
227. Please.Copy !req
228. Selfish brat wanted you to throw the game
so that he could win.Copy !req
229. You don't know shit about my cousin.Copy !req
230. I know about playing ninja
at Rancho Cienega Rec.Copy !req
231. I know he was just guttedCopy !req
232. when you left Compton.Copy !req
233. How do you know that?Copy !req
234. Because...Copy !req
235. I ate Emmett, you blerd.Copy !req
236. You deserve your cage.Copy !req
237. You're gonna hurt everyone you love.Copy !req
238. And I'll be here...Copy !req
239. binging every episode.Copy !req
240. Looks like someone is spying on you.Copy !req
241. Dun, dun, dun!Copy !req
242. DUN, DUN, DUNCopy !req
243. You gotta be kidding me.Copy !req
244. Whoa, that's my board.Copy !req
245. Right,
you don't speak any English. Okay.Copy !req
246. No.Copy !req
247. That...Copy !req
248. is mine.Copy !req
249. Angelica.Copy !req
250. Thanks.Copy !req
251. Angelica?Copy !req
252. I know what you're doing,
and you have to stop.Copy !req
253. I look so pretty in my dress!Copy !req
254. Why is she yelling?Copy !req
255. I put plugs in her ears.Copy !req
256. I have plugs in my ears!Copy !req
257. So she won't be bothered
by the music at the dance.Copy !req
258. No, I have plugs in my ears.Copy !req
259. I'm trying to fix the sound thing.Copy !req
260. Yeah, by hanging blankets on the wall
like this is a freshmen dorm!Copy !req
261. You didn't even go
to our school, Angelica.Copy !req
262. - Why do you care so much about this dance?
- Everyone likes to dance!Copy !req
263. Music stimulates
the orbital frontal cortex,Copy !req
264. and dance activates the cerebellum.Copy !req
265. Every culture, around the world,Copy !req
266. throughout time,Copy !req
267. they all shake their booty.Copy !req
268. That includes me, the Witch,Copy !req
269. Wesley, KJ, you...Copy !req
270. Oh, no, no. KJ and I...Copy !req
271. never gonna happen.Copy !req
272. But you guys have so much in common!Copy !req
273. You both skate, and you...Copy !req
274. skate.Copy !req
275. I know you miss Sam,
but she's dead.Copy !req
276. Your little meet-cutes are meet-stupids.Copy !req
277. And they have to stop.Copy !req
278. There are five stages of grief:Copy !req
279. denial, anger, depression,Copy !req
280. rebound sex, Korean spa.Copy !req
281. The spider venom has mutated.Copy !req
282. It's super toxic. Death on contact.Copy !req
283. Ms. Crumble's crown is lethal.Copy !req
284. - Don't touch.
- Yes, yes!Copy !req
285. - I do like horchata!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
286. Yes, it's cinnamon-y goodness!Copy !req
287. - Ow!
- Just stop.Copy !req
288. It says you do as I say,
and it automatically casts a vote for meCopy !req
289. as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.Copy !req
290. Just sign here, Other Gay Josh.Copy !req
291. Uh, Gay Josh is dead,Copy !req
292. so I think I should just be Gay Josh now.Copy !req
293. You can't appropriate someone's identity!Copy !req
294. Show some damned respect!Copy !req
295. Now we can talk privately.Copy !req
296. How much did you see?Copy !req
297. Enough to start
a new streaming porn service.Copy !req
298. That was sick.Copy !req
299. Don't be one of those homophobic,
small-minded, backsliding,Copy !req
300. pearl-clutching, rainbow hating,
no-keg-selling Westboro book burners!Copy !req
301. I don't care if you dig bagpiping,Copy !req
302. but you're bagpiping Turbo, bro!Copy !req
303. But you knew that!Copy !req
304. You've been blackmailing me for weeks!Copy !req
305. Here's the trill, I lied!Copy !req
306. Okay, it's one of my moves.Copy !req
307. I narrow my eyes all seriously and say,
"I know your secret, Fists."Copy !req
308. You're the dump truck who took the bait!Copy !req
309. Pretty sneaky, sis.Copy !req
310. My IQ level is Gucci.Copy !req
311. Now, turn off that musicCopy !req
312. before your milkshake brings
all the ghouls to the yard.Copy !req
313. Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey!Copy !req
314. Yo... Hey!Copy !req
315. Hey!Copy !req
316. You're a pacifist!Copy !req
317. You're not gonna let me die out here!Copy !req
318. You can't blackmail me if you're brunch!Copy !req
319. I'm not letting you control my destiny.Copy !req
320. I'm telling Josh everything.Copy !req
321. What do you think Josh is gonna sayCopy !req
322. when he finds out his best friend
is a full-on Benedict Cumberbatch?Copy !req
323. You mean Benedict Arnold?Copy !req
324. I mean I'm gonna be
eggs benedict lobster hollandaiseCopy !req
325. if you don't open this fucking door!Copy !req
326. You had your reach-around with the devil.
Now you gotta kill Josh.Copy !req
327. I can't!Copy !req
328. If you don't kill Josh,
you're gonna kill the rest of us!Copy !req
329. A wise man once said,Copy !req
330. "The needs of many outweigh
the needs of one dead Canadian."Copy !req
331. You're quoting Star Trek.Copy !req
332. Spock is a space samurai!Copy !req
333. Hey, hey! Wes!Copy !req
334. Where are you going?Copy !req
335. Wes!Copy !req
336. Just as these monsters tore apart
this sweet ass ghetto blaster,Copy !req
337. so too was Wesley's soul torn asunder,Copy !req
338. in the present, and in the past.Copy !req
339. Hadouken!Copy !req
340. You win!Copy !req
341. You never lose as Ryu.Copy !req
342. Compton must have you rattled.Copy !req
343. The buttons are sticking is all, okay?Copy !req
344. This game gets us into state.Copy !req
345. College scouts are coming.Copy !req
346. Also, you know Coach is dying?Copy !req
347. - I thought Coach was retiring.
- He's retiring because he's dying.Copy !req
348. This is on your shoulders, QB.Copy !req
349. But you could be on the QT.Copy !req
350. Round Two, fight!Copy !req
351. Hey, what's Guile's secret move?Copy !req
352. Front, back, kick, kick, kick.Copy !req
353. What's your secret move?Copy !req
354. You are.Copy !req
355. I'm just a defensive back.Copy !req
356. Ten interceptions, three pick sixes.Copy !req
357. - You know my line?
- I know all your lines.Copy !req
358. I don't have your knowledge
of kung fu movies,Copy !req
359. but I know Karate Kid.Copy !req
360. Tonight, you have to sweep the leg.Copy !req
361. You take out their top receiver, we win.Copy !req
362. You know Daniel still beats JohnnyCopy !req
363. and gets
the All Valley Karate Championship trophy.Copy !req
364. Johnny didn't have
the bro globes to finish him.Copy !req
365. Daniel sent a crane kick.Copy !req
366. "If do right, no can defense."Copy !req
367. Yes, can defense. Easy can defense.
You just take a step back.Copy !req
368. He did kind of walk right into it.Copy !req
369. Yeah. Johnny just felt all sorry
for all the shit he did to Daniel.Copy !req
370. Daniel didn't win. Johnny had a limp dick.Copy !req
371. - Yeah!
- See, that's what I'm talking about!Copy !req
372. Emmett is my family.Copy !req
373. Your family calls you a bitch
in front of the whole school.Copy !req
374. Maybe he's right! Maybe I am fronting
so I can fit in around here.Copy !req
375. Acting all ninja so y'all would dig me
or some shit.Copy !req
376. You are something too cool
for him to even fathom.Copy !req
377. Don't play me.Copy !req
378. I like you.Copy !req
379. I play a lot of games.Copy !req
380. But want to know
how I know you're for real?Copy !req
381. The hell is going on with you?Copy !req
382. Stepping out?
Leaving the school all by yourself?Copy !req
383. You're being sloppy.Copy !req
384. People are gonna ask questions.Copy !req
385. Hey!Copy !req
386. You chose me to be your right hand
'cause I'm not weak sauce.Copy !req
387. And I'm no idiot.Copy !req
388. I know where you've been,
and I know who you've been with.Copy !req
389. You're hooking up with Wesley.Copy !req
390. He invited us to come to a dance.Copy !req
391. I get it.Copy !req
392. You fucking love the guy,Copy !req
393. and he fucking loves you.Copy !req
394. And you're both so fucking lucky.Copy !req
395. Shit, I'd kill for someone to look at me
the way Wesley looks at you.Copy !req
396. It's...Copy !req
397. It's really beautiful.Copy !req
398. But there's no time for love.Copy !req
399. You go to that mall,Copy !req
400. do the Cabbage Patch with Wesley,Copy !req
401. and make peace with those mall rats?Copy !req
402. It'll show everyone you've gone soft,Copy !req
403. ripe for a Groupon-d'état.Copy !req
404. Everyone will try to overthrow
your ass at once.Copy !req
405. Or...Copy !req
406. we can have our own homecoming dance.Copy !req
407. Show them all how it gets done.Copy !req
408. What? Everyone likes to dance.Copy !req
409. You can't kill Josh. It has to be me.Copy !req
410. - That's how Turbo wants it.
- How do you know that?Copy !req
411. So what are we gonna do?Copy !req
412. I got to put my thinking cap on.Copy !req
413. I used to be a king,Copy !req
414. a fair, noble ruler.Copy !req
415. Just me and Mavis.Copy !req
416. Our threads were dope,
and I got to sink the pinkCopy !req
417. three times a day.Copy !req
418. That's true love.Copy !req
419. And then Josh happened.Copy !req
420. He busts in my mall, he camps in my mall,Copy !req
421. brought all these kids into my mall.Copy !req
422. And now they're gonna vote for Josh
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty?Copy !req
423. Face it. I mean, dude deserves to die.Copy !req
424. I don't want to kill Josh, but...Copy !req
425. if I did,Copy !req
426. it'd have to be quick,
and painless, and untraceable.Copy !req
427. A perfect murder.Copy !req
428. Mm...Copy !req
429. We get a mutant pug.Copy !req
430. A falling air conditioner.Copy !req
431. We get a hippo.Copy !req
432. A hive of angry bees.Copy !req
433. We get a shark.Copy !req
434. Ricin cigarette.Copy !req
435. Banana peel.Copy !req
436. Parking meter?Copy !req
437. An angry Roomba.Copy !req
438. Reprogram the escalator.Copy !req
439. Truck with lots of rebar in it.Copy !req
440. A whole bunch of marbles.Copy !req
441. Oh, an exploding xylophone.Copy !req
442. Texting while driving.Copy !req
443. Ricin cigarette.Copy !req
444. I said that.Copy !req
445. Oh.Copy !req
446. Um, extra-long bungee cord.Copy !req
447. Hot dog eating contest.Copy !req
448. Oh, a parkour contest.Copy !req
449. Freddy Krueger cosplay.Copy !req
450. - Pray to Thor.
- Kale.Copy !req
451. Waterboarding by Ghoulie jizz.Copy !req
452. The fuck?Copy !req
453. Shit, I don't want to do this.Copy !req
454. But damn...Copy !req
455. I know what I have to do.Copy !req
456. Um...Copy !req
457. Um... Uh...Copy !req
458. I...Copy !req
459. I just want to ask you something.Copy !req
460. Yes!Copy !req
461. THE POISON CROWNCopy !req
462. While everyone in the mall
got ready for the dance,Copy !req
463. Wesley Fists got ready
to assassinate Josh Wheeler.Copy !req
464. Wesley's favorite kung-fu movie
was a classic piece of cinema:Copy !req
465. The Man with the Poison Crown.Copy !req
466. In the film, a dethroned prince
enters a tournament of deathCopy !req
467. to regain his empire
with his favorite weapon,Copy !req
468. the aforementioned toxic tiara.Copy !req
469. Fists's plan was bold and decisive.Copy !req
470. After saving the kids from Baron Triumph,Copy !req
471. Josh was certain to win
the gender-neutral homecoming title.Copy !req
472. Mutant spider venom kills on contact.Copy !req
473. When Josh puts the crown on...Copy !req
474. instant death, a tragic accident.Copy !req
475. The weapon is set, the deed is done.Copy !req
476. No regrets, no turning back.Copy !req
477. Oh, no!Copy !req
478. You wanted me to come to the dance.Copy !req
479. With a human!Copy !req
480. Not a pile of dirty string
that smells like ammonia.Copy !req
481. But I saw you talking to KJ.Copy !req
482. Yeah, she helped me set up
these Bluetooth headphones.Copy !req
483. I knew how important this dance was
to everyone, and you,Copy !req
484. so I just wanted to make sure
it really happened.Copy !req
485. So you could dance with Mop Sam?Copy !req
486. Look, in junior high, we had to go
to the school dances for gym credit.Copy !req
487. So if you weren't busting a move
with a girl,Copy !req
488. Mr. Ziphlo made you dance with a mop.Copy !req
489. This is the saddest thing
I've heard in my entire life.Copy !req
490. And I survived a nuclear holocaust.Copy !req
491. I was one of the guys who never had
the courage to ask a girl out.Copy !req
492. But then I asked Sam
to the homecoming dance, and...Copy !req
493. she said yes.Copy !req
494. I miss Sam.Copy !req
495. Ooh, slow jam!Copy !req
496. You got this, 54.Copy !req
497. Hey, Mona, you want to dance?Copy !req
498. Do I look like I eat white meat?Copy !req
499. This dance sucks!Copy !req
500. We had another balloon,
but Barry went and popped it.Copy !req
501. In solidarity with Terry.Copy !req
502. RIP Terry, RIP Jerry, RIP Larry.Copy !req
503. These mopes just need
some encouragement.Copy !req
504. Quit sulking and dance.Copy !req
505. Now!Copy !req
506. We're not much of a team, Barry.Copy !req
507. Oh, don't get glum, Gary.Copy !req
508. There's plenty of two-person teams.Copy !req
509. Beach volleyball,Copy !req
510. doubles tennis,Copy !req
511. jai alai,Copy !req
512. bobsledding...Copy !req
513. Bobsledding doesn't have a ball.Copy !req
514. Well maybe we recruit some new members.Copy !req
515. No one's enlisting.
We got a target on our back.Copy !req
516. Nah, it's on our fucking face.Copy !req
517. They're taking odds on
which one of us is gonna die next.Copy !req
518. Okay, look.
These jocks are swole on steroids.Copy !req
519. Golf is a thinking bro's game.Copy !req
520. We don't act rash,Copy !req
521. but we methodically plot
our path to the hole.Copy !req
522. They don't call us masters for nothing.Copy !req
523. Yeah. Green is my favorite color.Copy !req
524. We only need two members to be a team.Copy !req
525. I got your back, you got mine.Copy !req
526. I got your back, you got mine.Copy !req
527. Voting is closed, friends.Copy !req
528. Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty will be
officially announced in five minutes.Copy !req
529. If you think this tale has a happy end,Copy !req
530. if you hope the rōnin will see
the error of his ways and save the day...Copy !req
531. well, then you haven't
been paying attention at all.Copy !req
532. THE BIG GAMECopy !req
533. You look like a homecoming queen!Copy !req
534. You and Turbo make a cute couple.Copy !req
535. Uh, you and Turbo make a cute couple.Copy !req
536. How did you know?Copy !req
537. I see how you look at him.Copy !req
538. He's DTF.Copy !req
539. But IDK. It's TBD.Copy !req
540. You should be Homecoming King.Copy !req
541. I'm more the guy behind the guy.Copy !req
542. Not a gay thing.Copy !req
543. Just...Copy !req
544. truth.Copy !req
545. Well, I voted for you.Copy !req
546. Everybody voted for Turbo.Copy !req
547. You're a football player,Copy !req
548. a film geek, the only gay samurai
to pull off tie dye pants,Copy !req
549. and you always have the sickest weed.Copy !req
550. Sense and Sensimilla is good.Copy !req
551. I personally like
Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Pipe.Copy !req
552. When I grow up,
I want to make my own strain.Copy !req
553. 420 Rōnin.Copy !req
554. We're supposed to be spending this time
finding out who we really are.Copy !req
555. And you, my friend, are the only one
who's brave enough to try.Copy !req
556. That is why you're royalty.Copy !req
557. I'm just trying to survive.Copy !req
558. I got friends,Copy !req
559. my team, Turbo,Copy !req
560. family, Emmett.Copy !req
561. And still...Copy !req
562. I feel so alone.Copy !req
563. I have over...Copy !req
564. a million followers
since Josh posted that video.Copy !req
565. But finding
that one person who really gets...Copy !req
566. There are so many conditions
on unconditional love.Copy !req
567. I have to choose...Copy !req
568. between Emmett...Copy !req
569. and Turbo.Copy !req
570. Whoever I choose...Copy !req
571. I lose the other.Copy !req
572. Probably forever.Copy !req
573. You're a regular Yojimbo.Copy !req
574. You should do what I did.Copy !req
575. Choose Wesley.Copy !req
576. Set, hike!Copy !req
577. Fourth quarter, two minutes on the clock.Copy !req
578. Glendale's up by five,
Compton has the ball on their 20.Copy !req
579. If Compton makes this drive,Copy !req
580. they could win the whole bangalanga.Copy !req
581. Now Wesley's cousin wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.Copy !req
582. Wesley's boyfriend wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.Copy !req
583. How do you win a no-win situation?Copy !req
584. Instead of choosing Emmett or Turbo,Copy !req
585. Wesley followed Sam Dean's advice.Copy !req
586. He chose himself.Copy !req
587. He shoved one player into another.Copy !req
588. It only takes a minimal amount
of friction to start a fire.Copy !req
589. That fire can light a fuse,Copy !req
590. and when it burns down...Copy !req
591. Boom! There goes the dynamite.Copy !req
592. Tempers flared so hot
that chilly autumn eveCopy !req
593. that the ground temperature rose
about 11 degrees,Copy !req
594. and Wesley Fists evaded
the impossible choiceCopy !req
595. by eliminating the unanswerable question.Copy !req
596. And by doing so,Copy !req
597. he truly became a samurai.Copy !req
598. Nah, that ain't
what the fuck happened.Copy !req
599. That's just a lie
that Wesley tells himself.Copy !req
600. - What actually happened is this.
- Hike!Copy !req
601. What's the matter, Fists?Copy !req
602. You don't dig on hearing the truth?Copy !req
603. Yo, you can't run away from me.Copy !req
604. I'm in your head, kid.Copy !req
605. And I'm so sick
of your slash fiction bullshit.Copy !req
606. You have to say what I think!Copy !req
607. You're my narrator!Copy !req
608. Son, I'm the sharpest motherfucker
in the whole damn Clan.Copy !req
609. You know I speak the truth.
You picked the RZA, right?Copy !req
610. That's on you.Copy !req
611. Now, I'm gonna tell you how it is.Copy !req
612. Easy! I'm the one dealing
with the end of the world up in here.Copy !req
613. You're so damned twisted, man,
you don't even know what is true or false.Copy !req
614. There was never even a movie called
The Man With the Poisoned Crown, yo!Copy !req
615. Yeah-huh! I saw it on Channel Five.Copy !req
616. You're mixing up Shogun Assassin
with Master of the Flying Guillotine,Copy !req
617. which is offensive, right?Copy !req
618. Because kung fu and samurai
are different cultures.Copy !req
619. Shit!Copy !req
620. Children make shit up, man,Copy !req
621. so they can be heroes of their story.Copy !req
622. Emmett was right!Copy !req
623. I am a fake! I'm no samurai!Copy !req
624. I'm camp as fuck!Copy !req
625. It's not your fault
you want to be a samurai.Copy !req
626. See, that's the economical pressure
being expressed as warrior code.Copy !req
627. It started when young black men
couldn't afford to go to the moviesCopy !req
628. so we watched kung fu reruns.Copy !req
629. We found beauty in things
that had been neglected.Copy !req
630. We saw the lotus flower
growing out of the mud.Copy !req
631. It spun out to everything, man,
from Jim Kelly to The Last DragonCopy !req
632. to Sho'nuff Shogun.Copy !req
633. This shit gonna be on the test?Copy !req
634. Are you gonna help me out here?Copy !req
635. Man, look at yourself.Copy !req
636. Look at yourself!Copy !req
637. You didn't choose you.Copy !req
638. You chose Turbo.Copy !req
639. And you can't even admit it.Copy !req
640. You can't help who you love.Copy !req
641. And you're never gonna
find that redemptionCopy !req
642. if you keep making the same damn mistake.Copy !req
643. I need to tell you...Copy !req
644. everything.Copy !req
645. After the bomb, Turbo was the only one
who had a game plan to survive.Copy !req
646. I followed him because I loved him,
and he loved me.Copy !req
647. Maybe too much.Copy !req
648. One day, I was talking to Curtis Bedford.Copy !req
649. The next day, Turbo impaled him on spikes.Copy !req
650. Turbo killed Tom Harthen
on American Ninja IdolCopy !req
651. because he said he liked my shoes.Copy !req
652. And more:
Barbra, Grisby, Medici, Gray,Copy !req
653. all those kids died
because they were being nice to me.Copy !req
654. Why does Hollywood
keep making movies from comic books?Copy !req
655. That's why I'm a rōnin.Copy !req
656. That's why I need redemption.Copy !req
657. You're going to dieCopy !req
658. because my ex-boyfriend can't stand
that you and I are friends.Copy !req
659. You put my song
on the soundtrack of our lives.Copy !req
660. Deltron 3030?Copy !req
661. Thanks for making me feel so cool, man.Copy !req
662. Did you hear what I said?Copy !req
663. I thought you were just singing along.Copy !req
664. It's now time to announce
our Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty!Copy !req
665. Mop Sam Dean...Copy !req
666. I love you, Mop Sam!Copy !req
667. And Wesley Fists!Copy !req
668. Samurai for the win! Yeah!Copy !req
669. Well, I voted for you.Copy !req
670. I mean, you saved them.Copy !req
671. I made sure everyone knows
that you're the hero that we need.Copy !req
672. Irony is a bitch goddess.Copy !req
673. She puts that leather jacket on sale
the day after you buy it.Copy !req
674. She will make you gain five pounds
after you was on a two-week juice cleanse.Copy !req
675. And if you're plotting an assassination,Copy !req
676. you can be sure she will put
a plot twist in that motherfucker.Copy !req
677. Staring at the Grim Reaper,
Wesley didn't say,Copy !req
678. "If you like it,
you should've put a ring on it."Copy !req
679. He thought, "Maybe I deserve this."Copy !req
680. After Emmett, and Curtis, and Medici,
and Barbra, and Grisby, and Gray,Copy !req
681. after betraying and lying to Josh,Copy !req
682. Wesley realized he's not the warrior.Copy !req
683. He's the bully. He's the bad guy.Copy !req
684. He's just like Johnny in The Karate Kid.Copy !req
685. And like Johnny,
he has to sacrifice himselfCopy !req
686. so that the outcast can be the hero.Copy !req
687. Maybe if Wesley was dead,Copy !req
688. Turbo would be struck with grief,
and he'd call off his attack.Copy !req
689. Maybe this is the only way out.Copy !req
690. Stop!Copy !req
691. No one touch that crown!Copy !req
692. THE IGNOBLE AMBUSH OF TURBO BRO JOCKCopy !req
693. Wesley lied again.Copy !req
694. He learned this trick from Kurosawa.Copy !req
695. It's all about perspective,Copy !req
696. pulling a Rashomon.Copy !req
697. This is what he didn't show you.Copy !req
698. Stop!Copy !req
699. No one touch that crown.Copy !req
700. Turbo told me that
he's gonna come and kill you all.Copy !req
701. But I have a plan.Copy !req
702. I know how we can fight back.Copy !req
703. You have to trust me.Copy !req
704. Wesley set up decoys.Copy !req
705. Everyone hid, and you know the rest.Copy !req
706. In the end, Wesley chose wisely.Copy !req
707. He chose friendship.Copy !req
708. He chose himself.Copy !req
709. Maybe one day, he will end this quest,Copy !req
710. one day, he will be a samurai.Copy !req
711. But not today.Copy !req
712. It's like I said,Copy !req
713. this story does not end well.Copy !req
714. But, uh, that's a story for another time.Copy !req