1. In the time
when fire rained down from heavenCopy !req
2. and dust storms swept in from the east,Copy !req
3. a hero arose with a dope-ass name:Copy !req
4. Wesley Fists.Copy !req
5. Born in the hamlet of Compton,
Wesley's father was a dentist.Copy !req
6. His mother played Scratchers
and smoked Newports.Copy !req
7. From the time he could throw a punch,Copy !req
8. Fists trained
in the dojo of kung fu cinema.Copy !req
9. His favorites were Shogun Assassin,Copy !req
10. The Five Deadly Venoms,Copy !req
11. and of course, Enter the Dragon.Copy !req
12. But after hearing Enter the Wu-Tang,Copy !req
13. young Fists imagined me
narrating his life,Copy !req
14. The RZA, AKA The RZArectorCopy !req
15. AKA RZA RZA Razor Sharp,Copy !req
16. AKA The Abbot with the Golden Tablet,Copy !req
17. AKA Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah,Copy !req
18. AKA The Divine Prince Master Rakeem,Copy !req
19. AKA Bobby Digital,
AKA Bobby Boulders,Copy !req
20. AKA Bobby Steels,
AKA Daddy Diggs,Copy !req
21. AKA The Fatal Flying Guillotine Karrier.Copy !req
22. He knew I understood
what a warrior's soul wasCopy !req
23. and I could say shit like "saga"Copy !req
24. and "bring the motherfucking ruckus"
without sounding like a sucka.Copy !req
25. At the age 15, Fists's parents took
the arduous trek up the deadly 110 freewayCopy !req
26. to live in the village of Glendale.Copy !req
27. Fists thrived in his new environment.Copy !req
28. A defensive back of the first string,Copy !req
29. 11 sacks, ten interceptions,
five pick sixes.Copy !req
30. Shit, this kid was almost invincible.Copy !req
31. In the apocalypse,
our hero has taken on a mantle of rōnin,Copy !req
32. a wandering soul seeking redemption
for a heinous crime.Copy !req
33. A haunting tragedy yet to be revealed.Copy !req
34. To wit, Wesley gained new compatriotsCopy !req
35. with less dope names
like Josh and Angelica.Copy !req
36. Friends whom Wesley
might call family, but...Copy !req
37. his heart belongs to another...Copy !req
38. the villainous Turbo Bro Jock.Copy !req
39. Which side is this warrior gonna choose?Copy !req
40. DAYBREAKCopy !req
41. HOMECOMING REDUXCopy !req
42. So which are you gonna choose?Copy !req
43. Choose?Copy !req
44. Songs!Copy !req
45. For the homecoming dance playlist?Copy !req
46. This is no mere playlist.Copy !req
47. This is no mere
homecoming dance do-over.Copy !req
48. We rescued these kids from Baron Triumph.Copy !req
49. This is a Saturnalia
to the wonder of life,Copy !req
50. drinking from the water fountain of youth.Copy !req
51. Tonight, we stare the Grim Reaper
in the face, and we say,Copy !req
52. "If you like it,
then you should've put a ring on it."Copy !req
53. This is the soundtrack of our lives!Copy !req
54. Uh... Is this you? Uh, KJ?Copy !req
55. What does that stand for?Copy !req
56. Keung Jung?Copy !req
57. Uh, Kim Jong?Copy !req
58. Okay, look, we can't just let anyone in.Copy !req
59. Someone's got to make sure
you 'fugees are copacetic.Copy !req
60. You remember ICE?Copy !req
61. Well, I'm the new ICE.Copy !req
62. Okay, I need you to sign
this oath of allegiance.Copy !req
63. Basically, you got to do
what I say at all times.Copy !req
64. And you can't make fun of me
behind my backCopy !req
65. like Dana Rappaport did
when I sharted in the third grade.Copy !req
66. Oh, and also,
it automatically casts a vote for meCopy !req
67. as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.Copy !req
68. This counts as a vote!Copy !req
69. Eyes on your own work!Copy !req
70. This isn't a test.Copy !req
71. It's art therapy.Copy !req
72. My psychiatrist had me do this to examine
subconscious emotions in my drawing.Copy !req
73. I painted an untamed unicorn baby gouging
her mommy unicorn in the uterus.Copy !req
74. But it didn't mean anything.Copy !req
75. Why are you using spiders?Copy !req
76. The black widow represents death,Copy !req
77. and the brown widow represents death.Copy !req
78. They duel because all of life is death.Copy !req
79. And brown is the new black.Copy !req
80. Turn it down! Turn the music down!Copy !req
81. Turn it down! The music, turn it down!Copy !req
82. The Ghoulie part of the Witch
is super sensitive to loud noise.Copy !req
83. Shit! I was only playing this on chill.Copy !req
84. I barely got to thumping.
What happens when I get to cranking?Copy !req
85. If you pump up the volume tonight,Copy !req
86. we'll be doing The Electric Slide
with a horde of Ghoulies.Copy !req
87. Hard to make the soundtrack of our lives
with no soundtrack.Copy !req
88. Maybe this is a bad idea,Copy !req
89. recreating what we we'll
never really have again.Copy !req
90. You're missing Sam pretty hard.Copy !req
91. We were gonna go to the dance together.Copy !req
92. She was gonna be Homecoming Queen.Copy !req
93. I know what you need.Copy !req
94. Maybe you should try masturbating.Copy !req
95. Dude...Copy !req
96. Also, you should try masturbating.Copy !req
97. A warrior will rub one out
before heading into battle.Copy !req
98. I thought samurai were like monks,
you know, on a strict NoFap diet.Copy !req
99. Samurai are the samurai
of burping the worm.Copy !req
100. Why you think
action figures got kung fu grip?Copy !req
101. You seem more chill than usual.Copy !req
102. Did saving all these kids, you know,
fulfill your quest for redemption?Copy !req
103. Don't write off the dance, brother.
Could be cathartic.Copy !req
104. Anyway, I'm heading out.
Gotta feed Triumph and Turbo.Copy !req
105. - I'll go with you.
- I got it.Copy !req
106. You use your survival skills
to solve this noise issue.Copy !req
107. Hey, hey, uh...Copy !req
108. What about Mastermind by Deltron 3030
for the soundtrack?Copy !req
109. Right? Yeah?Copy !req
110. There's only one reason
a man would ventureCopy !req
111. into the dangerous wasteland
all by his lonesome...Copy !req
112. Because he is a traitorous whelp
looking for a nooner.Copy !req
113. What about Josh?Copy !req
114. He's a friend.Copy !req
115. Don't get jealous.Copy !req
116. I'm not gonna let you do that.Copy !req
117. Why?Copy !req
118. Because he beat you?Copy !req
119. Because he left you here?Copy !req
120. I came back.Copy !req
121. Let it go.Copy !req
122. Don't get jealous.Copy !req
123. You want me to kill Josh?Copy !req
124. You punishing me for having a friend?Copy !req
125. Wesley Fists was familiar
with the rock and the hard place.Copy !req
126. He'd been there before,Copy !req
127. forced into choosing
a side on the battleground of life.Copy !req
128. - Homecoming, y'all!
- Whoo!Copy !req
129. - Compton on notice!
- Whoo!Copy !req
130. - We goin' to state!
- Whoo!Copy !req
131. - We dominate!
- Whoo!Copy !req
132. - Goin' hard like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
133. - Rollin' hard like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
134. - Hornets be like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
135. - Turbo be like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
136. - Hornets be like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
137. - Seize the crown like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
138. Seize the crown!Copy !req
139. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
140. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
141. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
142. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
143. We got your back!Copy !req
144. 'Sup, Wes?Copy !req
145. 'Sup, Emmett?Copy !req
146. Emmett was Wesley's third cousin
on his mama's side and his best friend.Copy !req
147. Gentlemen, welcome
to Glendale High School,Copy !req
148. but we have a strict no visitor policy.Copy !req
149. Yeah? Why is that?Copy !req
150. Your little posh crew gonna
get all jumpy around us niggas?Copy !req
151. No. What? What?Copy !req
152. No. No, we're all woke here.Copy !req
153. Uh, wide awoke.Copy !req
154. No, it's an administrative measure
for safetyCopy !req
155. and has nothing to do
with any form of institutionalized racism.Copy !req
156. But I am gonna have to ask your coach
to escort you off campusCopy !req
157. in a totally non-racist way.Copy !req
158. - Coach?
- It's all good, all right?Copy !req
159. Our bus just got here early.Copy !req
160. Stretching our legs,
sussing out the competition.Copy !req
161. Blood's gonna flow
like a chocolate fountainCopy !req
162. at a bar mitzvah, cousin.Copy !req
163. You don't get to call me
cousin no more, traitor.Copy !req
164. I transferred schools, Emmett.Copy !req
165. - It's not on me my pops moved.
- Yeah, it's on you.Copy !req
166. Bowing down
to these privileged white folks.Copy !req
167. - Why don't you step the fuck back.
- Hey, chill.Copy !req
168. Chill, Turbo. Chill!Copy !req
169. Chill. It's all good.Copy !req
170. He's just trying to get me riled up.Copy !req
171. But when you know your enemy
better than you know yourself,Copy !req
172. - the outcome has already been decided.
- You ain't no samurai, you dumb blerd.Copy !req
173. It was fun playing when we was kids,
but that was a game.Copy !req
174. Why you trying to be
something you ain't?Copy !req
175. Man, you would've never said
that shit to Wu-Tang.Copy !req
176. Or Kendrick
when he's trying to be Kung Fu Kenny,Copy !req
177. or Nicki Minaj
when she's trying to play Chun-Li.Copy !req
178. Bitch, I'm on the tip!Copy !req
179. Yeah, like vanilla iced matcha latte.Copy !req
180. You frontin' Asian? You frontin' white?Copy !req
181. Bet you eat
that nasty-ass qui-noa shit too, huh?Copy !req
182. "Quinoa..."Copy !req
183. is fucking delicious.Copy !req
184. Spoken like a true white boy.Copy !req
185. There's only two things I really missCopy !req
186. about the way things were.Copy !req
187. Reading a Nicholas Sparks novel
cover to cover the day it comes outCopy !req
188. and live-tweeting The Bachelor.Copy !req
189. You eat people's hearts.Copy !req
190. Doesn't mean I don't have one.Copy !req
191. Why are you keeping me alive?Copy !req
192. We're not killers.Copy !req
193. I don't like being locked up,Copy !req
194. but watching you
and Turbo has got me hooked.Copy !req
195. The romance, betrayal, secrets.Copy !req
196. What's gonna happen next?Copy !req
197. I don't think you and I
engaging in discourse is advisable.Copy !req
198. Oh?Copy !req
199. Well, who encouraged you
to take AP EnglishCopy !req
200. so you could boost up your GPA?Copy !req
201. You did.Copy !req
202. Who gave you his FilmStruck password
so you could watch those Kurosawa films?Copy !req
203. - You did.
- And who comforted youCopy !req
204. when Jessie Felk broke your heart?Copy !req
205. Omar from The Wire.Copy !req
206. Yeah, but who told you to watch The Wire?Copy !req
207. - You told me to watch season two.
- Season two is amazing.Copy !req
208. Only white dudes like season two!Copy !req
209. You could surgically remove
season two, and no one would miss it.Copy !req
210. Don't you miss this, Wesley?Copy !req
211. Talking around
the proverbial water cooler.Copy !req
212. You're eyeing me like a steak.Copy !req
213. Nah, that's just sympathy.Copy !req
214. I know what you're going through.Copy !req
215. You're being pulled
between two friends, again.Copy !req
216. I remember.Copy !req
217. I know what your cousin said to you
at the pep rally.Copy !req
218. "He said," Ease up, cuz.Copy !req
219. Take it easy on me out there.Copy !req
220. I need this win. You don't.Copy !req
221. "You can let me win."Copy !req
222. He even said... Please.Copy !req
223. Selfish brat wanted you to throw the game
so that he could win.Copy !req
224. You don't know shit about my cousin.Copy !req
225. I know about playing ninja
at Rancho Cienega Rec.Copy !req
226. I know he was just guttedCopy !req
227. when you left Compton.Copy !req
228. How do you know that?Copy !req
229. Because...Copy !req
230. I ate Emmett, you blerd.Copy !req
231. You deserve your cage.Copy !req
232. You're gonna hurt everyone you love.Copy !req
233. And I'll be here...
binging every episode.Copy !req
234. Looks like someone is spying on you.Copy !req
235. Dun, dun, dun!Copy !req
236. DUN, DUN, DUNCopy !req
237. You got to be kidding me.Copy !req
238. Whoa, that's my board.Copy !req
239. Right,
you don't speak any English. Okay.Copy !req
240. No.Copy !req
241. That...Copy !req
242. is mine.Copy !req
243. Angelica.Copy !req
244. Thanks.Copy !req
245. Angelica?Copy !req
246. I know what you're doing,
and you have to stop.Copy !req
247. I look so pretty in my dress!Copy !req
248. Why is she yelling?Copy !req
249. I put plugs in her ears.Copy !req
250. I have plugs in my ears!Copy !req
251. So she won't be bothered
by the music at the dance.Copy !req
252. No, I have plugs in my ears.Copy !req
253. I'm trying to fix the sound thing.Copy !req
254. Yeah, by hanging blankets on the wall
like this is a freshmen dorm!Copy !req
255. You didn't even go
to our school, Angelica.Copy !req
256. - Why do you care so much about this dance?
- Everyone likes to dance!Copy !req
257. Music stimulates
the orbital frontal cortex,Copy !req
258. and dance activates the cerebellum.Copy !req
259. Every culture, around the world,Copy !req
260. throughout time,Copy !req
261. they all shake their booty.Copy !req
262. That includes me, the Witch,Copy !req
263. Wesley, KJ, you...
Oh, no, no. KJ and I...Copy !req
264. never gonna happen.Copy !req
265. But you guys have so much in common!Copy !req
266. You both skate, and you...Copy !req
267. skate.Copy !req
268. I know you miss Sam,
but she's dead.Copy !req
269. Your little meet-cutes are meet-stupids.Copy !req
270. And they have to stop.Copy !req
271. There are five stages of grief:Copy !req
272. denial, anger, depression,Copy !req
273. rebound sex, Korean spa.Copy !req
274. The spider venom has mutated.Copy !req
275. It's super toxic. Death on contact.Copy !req
276. Ms. Crumble's crown is lethal.Copy !req
277. - Don't touch.
- Yes, yes!Copy !req
278. - I do like horchata!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
279. Yes, it's cinnamon-y goodness!Copy !req
280. - Ow!
- Just stop.Copy !req
281. It says you do as I say,
and it automatically casts a vote for meCopy !req
282. as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.Copy !req
283. Just sign here, Other Gay Josh.Copy !req
284. Uh, Gay Josh is dead,Copy !req
285. so I think I should just be Gay Josh now.Copy !req
286. You can't appropriate someone's identity!Copy !req
287. Show some damned respect!Copy !req
288. Now we can talk privately.Copy !req
289. How much did you see?Copy !req
290. Enough to start
a new streaming porn service.Copy !req
291. That was sick.Copy !req
292. Don't be one of those homophobic,
small-minded, backsliding,Copy !req
293. pearl-clutching, rainbow hating,
no-keg-selling Westboro book burners!Copy !req
294. I don't care if you dig bagpiping,Copy !req
295. but you're bagpiping Turbo, bro!Copy !req
296. But you knew that!Copy !req
297. You've been blackmailing me for weeks!Copy !req
298. Here's the trill, I lied!Copy !req
299. Okay, it's one of my moves.Copy !req
300. I narrow my eyes all seriously and say,
"I know your secret, Fists."Copy !req
301. You're the dump truck who took the bait!Copy !req
302. Pretty sneaky, sis.Copy !req
303. My IQ level is Gucci.Copy !req
304. Now, turn off that musicCopy !req
305. before your milkshake brings
all the ghouls to the yard.Copy !req
306. Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey!Copy !req
307. Yo... Hey!Copy !req
308. Hey!Copy !req
309. You're a pacifist!Copy !req
310. You're not gonna let me die out here!Copy !req
311. You can't blackmail me if you're brunch!Copy !req
312. I'm not letting youcontrol my destiny.Copy !req
313. I'm telling Josh everything.Copy !req
314. What do you think Josh is gonna sayCopy !req
315. when he finds out his best friend
is a full-on Benedict Cumberbatch?Copy !req
316. You mean Benedict Arnold?Copy !req
317. I mean I'm gonna be
eggs benedict lobster hollandaiseCopy !req
318. if you don't open this fucking door!Copy !req
319. You had your reach-around with the devil.
Now you got to kill Josh.Copy !req
320. I can't!Copy !req
321. If you don't kill Josh,
you're gonna kill the rest of us!Copy !req
322. A wise man once said,Copy !req
323. "The needs of many outweigh
the needs of one dead Canadian."Copy !req
324. You're quoting Star Trek.Copy !req
325. Spock is a space samurai!Copy !req
326. Hey, hey! Wes!Copy !req
327. Where are you going?Copy !req
328. Wes!Copy !req
329. Just as these monsters tore apart
this sweet ass ghetto blaster,Copy !req
330. so too was Wesley's soul torn asunder,Copy !req
331. in the present, and in the past.Copy !req
332. Hadouken!Copy !req
333. You win!Copy !req
334. You never lose as Ryu.Copy !req
335. Compton must have you rattled.Copy !req
336. The buttons are sticking is all, okay?Copy !req
337. This game gets us into state.Copy !req
338. College scouts are coming.Copy !req
339. Also, you know Coach is dying?Copy !req
340. - I thought Coach was retiring.
- He's retiring because he's dying.Copy !req
341. This is on your shoulders, QB.Copy !req
342. But you could be on the QT.Copy !req
343. Round Two, fight!Copy !req
344. Hey, what's Guile's secret move?Copy !req
345. Front, back, kick, kick, kick.Copy !req
346. What's your secret move?Copy !req
347. You are.Copy !req
348. I'm just a defensive back.Copy !req
349. Ten interceptions, three pick sixes.Copy !req
350. - You know my line?
- I know all your lines.Copy !req
351. I don't have your knowledge
of kung fu movies,Copy !req
352. but I know Karate Kid.Copy !req
353. Tonight, you have to sweep the leg.Copy !req
354. You take out their top receiver, we win.Copy !req
355. You know Daniel still beats JohnnyCopy !req
356. and gets
the All Valley Karate Championship trophy.Copy !req
357. Johnny didn't have
the bro globes to finish him.Copy !req
358. Daniel sent a crane kick.Copy !req
359. "If do right, no can defense."Copy !req
360. Yes, can defense. Easy can defense.
You just take a step back.Copy !req
361. He did kind of walk right into it.Copy !req
362. Yeah. Johnny just felt all sorry
for all the shit he did to Daniel.Copy !req
363. Daniel didn't win. Johnny had a limp dick.Copy !req
364. - Yeah!
- See, that's what I'm talking about!Copy !req
365. Emmett is my family.Copy !req
366. Your family calls you a bitch
in front of the whole school.Copy !req
367. Maybe he's right! Maybe I am fronting
so I can fit in around here.Copy !req
368. Acting all ninja so y'all would dig me
or some shit.Copy !req
369. You are something too cool
for him to even fathom.Copy !req
370. Don't play me.Copy !req
371. I like you.Copy !req
372. I play a lot of games.Copy !req
373. But want to know
how I know you're for real?Copy !req
374. The hell is going on with you?Copy !req
375. Stepping out?
Leaving the school all by yourself?Copy !req
376. You're being sloppy.Copy !req
377. People are gonna ask questions.Copy !req
378. Hey!Copy !req
379. You chose me to be your right hand
'cause I'm not weak sauce.Copy !req
380. And I'm no idiot.Copy !req
381. I know where you've been,
and I know who you've been with.Copy !req
382. You're hooking up with Wesley.Copy !req
383. He invited us to come to a dance.Copy !req
384. I get it.Copy !req
385. You fucking love the guy,Copy !req
386. and he fucking loves you.Copy !req
387. And you're both so fucking lucky.Copy !req
388. Shit, I'd kill for someone to look at me
the way Wesley looks at you.Copy !req
389. It's...Copy !req
390. It's really beautiful.Copy !req
391. But there's no time for love.Copy !req
392. You go to that mall,Copy !req
393. do the Cabbage Patch with Wesley,Copy !req
394. and make peace with those mall rats?Copy !req
395. It'll show everyone you've gone soft,Copy !req
396. ripe for a Groupon-d'état.Copy !req
397. Everyone will try to overthrow
your ass at once.Copy !req
398. Or...Copy !req
399. we can have our own homecoming dance.Copy !req
400. Show them all how it gets done.Copy !req
401. What? Everyone likes to dance.Copy !req
402. You can't kill Josh. It has to be me.Copy !req
403. - That's how Turbo wants it.
- How do you know that?Copy !req
404. So what are we gonna do?Copy !req
405. I got to put my thinking cap on.Copy !req
406. I used to be a king,Copy !req
407. a fair, noble ruler.Copy !req
408. Just me and Mavis.Copy !req
409. Our threads were dope,
and I got to sink the pinkCopy !req
410. three times a day.Copy !req
411. That's true love.Copy !req
412. And then Josh happened.Copy !req
413. He busts in my mall, he camps in my mall,Copy !req
414. brought all these kids into my mall.Copy !req
415. And now they're gonna vote for Josh
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty?Copy !req
416. Face it. I mean, dude deserves to die.Copy !req
417. I don't want to kill Josh, but...Copy !req
418. if I did,Copy !req
419. it'd have to be quick,
and painless, and untraceable.Copy !req
420. A perfect murder.Copy !req
421. Mm...Copy !req
422. We get a mutant pug.Copy !req
423. A falling air conditioner.Copy !req
424. We get a hippo.Copy !req
425. A hive of angry bees.Copy !req
426. We get a shark.Copy !req
427. Ricin cigarette.Copy !req
428. Banana peel.Copy !req
429. Parking meter?Copy !req
430. An angry Roomba.Copy !req
431. Reprogram the escalator.Copy !req
432. Truck with lots of rebar in it.Copy !req
433. A whole bunch of marbles.Copy !req
434. Oh, an exploding xylophone.Copy !req
435. Texting while driving.Copy !req
436. Ricin cigarette.Copy !req
437. I said that.Copy !req
438. Oh.Copy !req
439. Um, extra-long bungee cord.Copy !req
440. Hot dog eating contest.Copy !req
441. Oh, a parkour contest.Copy !req
442. Freddy Krueger cosplay.Copy !req
443. - Pray to Thor.
- Kale.Copy !req
444. Waterboarding by Ghoulie jizz.Copy !req
445. The fuck?Copy !req
446. Shit, I don't want to do this.Copy !req
447. But damn...Copy !req
448. I know what I have to do.Copy !req
449. Um...Copy !req
450. Um... Uh...Copy !req
451. I...Copy !req
452. I just want to ask you something.Copy !req
453. Yes!Copy !req
454. THE POISON CROWNCopy !req
455. While everyone in the mall
got ready for the dance,Copy !req
456. Wesley Fists got ready
to assassinate Josh Wheeler.Copy !req
457. Wesley's favorite kung-fu movie
was a classic piece of cinema:Copy !req
458. The Man with the Poison Crown.Copy !req
459. In the film, a dethroned prince
enters a tournament of deathCopy !req
460. to regain his empire
with his favorite weapon,Copy !req
461. the aforementioned toxic tiara.Copy !req
462. Fists's plan was bold and decisive.Copy !req
463. After saving the kids from Baron Triumph,Copy !req
464. Josh was certain to win
the gender-neutral homecoming title.Copy !req
465. Mutant spider venom kills on contact.Copy !req
466. When Josh puts the crown on...Copy !req
467. instant death, a tragic accident.Copy !req
468. The weapon is set, the deed is done.Copy !req
469. No regrets, no turning back.Copy !req
470. Oh, no!Copy !req
471. You wanted me to come to the dance.Copy !req
472. With a human!Copy !req
473. Not a pile of dirty string
that smells like ammonia.Copy !req
474. But I saw you talking to KJ.Copy !req
475. Yeah, she helped me set up
these Bluetooth headphones.Copy !req
476. I knew how important this dance was
to everyone, and you,Copy !req
477. so I just wanted to make sure
it really happened.Copy !req
478. So you could dance with Mop Sam?Copy !req
479. Look, in junior high, we had to go
to the school dances for gym credit.Copy !req
480. So if you weren't busting a move
with a girl,Copy !req
481. Mr. Ziphlo made you dance with a mop.Copy !req
482. This is the saddest thing
I've heard in my entire life.Copy !req
483. And I survived a nuclear holocaust.Copy !req
484. I was one of the guys who never had
the courage to ask a girl out.Copy !req
485. But then I asked Sam
to the homecoming dance, and...Copy !req
486. she said yes.Copy !req
487. I miss Sam.Copy !req
488. Ooh, slow jam!Copy !req
489. You got this, 54.Copy !req
490. Hey, Mona, you want to dance?Copy !req
491. Do I look like I eat white meat?Copy !req
492. This dance sucks!Copy !req
493. We had another balloon,
but Barry went and popped it.Copy !req
494. In solidarity with Terry.Copy !req
495. RIP Terry, RIP Jerry, RIP Larry.Copy !req
496. These mopes just need
some encouragement.Copy !req
497. Quit sulking and dance.Copy !req
498. Now!Copy !req
499. We're not much of a team, Barry.Copy !req
500. Oh, don't get glum, Gary.Copy !req
501. There's plenty of two-person teams.Copy !req
502. Beach volleyball,Copy !req
503. doubles tennis,Copy !req
504. jai alai,Copy !req
505. bobsledding...Copy !req
506. Bobsledding doesn't have a ball.Copy !req
507. Well maybe we recruit some new members.Copy !req
508. No one's enlisting.
We got a target on our back.Copy !req
509. Nah, it's on our fucking face.Copy !req
510. They're taking odds on
which one of us is gonna die next.Copy !req
511. Okay, look.
These jocks are swole on steroids.Copy !req
512. Golf is a thinking bro's game.Copy !req
513. We don't act rash,Copy !req
514. but we methodically plot
our path to the hole.Copy !req
515. They don't call us masters for nothing.Copy !req
516. Yeah. Green is my favorite color.Copy !req
517. We only need two members to be a team.Copy !req
518. I got your back, you got mine.Copy !req
519. I got your back, you got mine.Copy !req
520. Voting is closed, friends.Copy !req
521. Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty will be
officially announced in five minutes.Copy !req
522. If you think this tale has a happy end,Copy !req
523. if you hope the rōnin will see
the error of his ways and save the day...Copy !req
524. well, then you haven't
been paying attention at all.Copy !req
525. THE BIG GAMECopy !req
526. You look like a homecoming queen!Copy !req
527. You and Turbo make a cute couple.Copy !req
528. Uh, you and Turbo make a cute couple.Copy !req
529. How did you know?Copy !req
530. I see how you look at him.Copy !req
531. He's DTF.Copy !req
532. But IDK. It's TBD.Copy !req
533. You should be Homecoming King.Copy !req
534. I'm more the guy behind the guy.Copy !req
535. Not a gay thing.Copy !req
536. Just...Copy !req
537. truth.Copy !req
538. Well, I voted for you.Copy !req
539. Everybody voted for Turbo.Copy !req
540. You're a football player,Copy !req
541. a film geek, the only gay samurai
to pull off tie dye pants,Copy !req
542. and you always have the sickest weed.Copy !req
543. Sense and Sensimilla is good.Copy !req
544. I personally like
Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Pipe.Copy !req
545. When I grow up,
I want to make my own strain.Copy !req
546. 420 Rōnin.Copy !req
547. We're supposed to be spending this time
finding out who we really are.Copy !req
548. And you, my friend, are the only one
who's brave enough to try.Copy !req
549. That is why you're royalty.Copy !req
550. I'm just trying to survive.Copy !req
551. I got friends,Copy !req
552. my team, Turbo,Copy !req
553. family, Emmett.Copy !req
554. And still...Copy !req
555. I feel so alone.Copy !req
556. I have over...Copy !req
557. a million followers
since Josh posted that video.Copy !req
558. But finding
that one person who really gets...Copy !req
559. There are so many conditions
on unconditional love.Copy !req
560. I have to choose...Copy !req
561. between Emmett...Copy !req
562. and Turbo.Copy !req
563. Whoever I choose...
I lose the other.Copy !req
564. Probably forever.Copy !req
565. You're a regular Yojimbo.Copy !req
566. You should do what I did.Copy !req
567. Choose Wesley.Copy !req
568. Set, hike!Copy !req
569. Fourth quarter, two minutes on the clock.Copy !req
570. Glendale's up by five,
Compton has the ball on their 20.Copy !req
571. If Compton makes this drive,Copy !req
572. they could win the whole bangalanga.Copy !req
573. Now Wesley's cousin wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.Copy !req
574. Wesley's boyfriend wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.Copy !req
575. How do you win a no-win situation?Copy !req
576. Instead of choosing Emmett or Turbo,Copy !req
577. Wesley followed Sam Dean's advice.Copy !req
578. He chose himself.Copy !req
579. He shoved one player into another.Copy !req
580. It only takes a minimal amount
of friction to start a fire.Copy !req
581. That fire can light a fuse,Copy !req
582. and when it burns down...Copy !req
583. Boom! There goes the dynamite.Copy !req
584. Tempers flared so hot
that chilly autumn eveCopy !req
585. that the ground temperature rose
about 11 degrees,Copy !req
586. and Wesley Fists evaded
the impossible choiceCopy !req
587. by eliminating the unanswerable question.Copy !req
588. And by doing so,
he truly became a samurai.Copy !req
589. Nah, that ain't
what the fuck happened.Copy !req
590. That's just a lie
that Wesley tells himself.Copy !req
591. - What actually happened is this.
- Hike!Copy !req
592. What's the matter, Fists?Copy !req
593. You don't dig on hearing the truth?Copy !req
594. Yo, you can't run away from me.Copy !req
595. I'm in your head, kid.Copy !req
596. And I'm so sick
of your slash fiction bullshit.Copy !req
597. You have to say what I think!Copy !req
598. You're my narrator!Copy !req
599. Son, I'm the sharpest motherfucker
in the whole damn Clan.Copy !req
600. You know I speak the truth.
You picked the RZA, right?Copy !req
601. That's on you.Copy !req
602. Now, I'm gonna tell you how it is.Copy !req
603. Easy! I'm the one dealing
with the end of the world up in here.Copy !req
604. You're so damned twisted, man,
you don't even know what is true or false.Copy !req
605. There was never even a movie called
The Man With the Poisoned Crown, yo!Copy !req
606. Yeah-huh! I saw it on Channel Five.Copy !req
607. You're mixing up Shogun Assassin
with Master of the Flying Guillotine,Copy !req
608. which is offensive, right?Copy !req
609. Because kung fu and samurai
are different cultures.Copy !req
610. Shit!Copy !req
611. Children make shit up, man,Copy !req
612. so they can be heroes of their story.Copy !req
613. Emmett was right!Copy !req
614. I am a fake! I'm no samurai!Copy !req
615. I'm camp as fuck!Copy !req
616. It's not your fault
you want to be a samurai.Copy !req
617. See, that's the economical pressure
being expressed as warrior code.Copy !req
618. It started when young black men
couldn't afford to go to the moviesCopy !req
619. so we watched kung fu reruns.Copy !req
620. We found beauty in things
that had been neglected.Copy !req
621. We saw the lotus flower
growing out of the mud.Copy !req
622. It spun out to everything, man,
from Jim Kelly to The Last DragonCopy !req
623. to Sho'nuff Shogun.Copy !req
624. This shit gonna be on the test?Copy !req
625. Are you gonna help me out here?Copy !req
626. Man, look at yourself.Copy !req
627. Look at yourself!Copy !req
628. You didn't choose you.Copy !req
629. You chose Turbo.Copy !req
630. And you can't even admit it.Copy !req
631. You can't help who you love.Copy !req
632. And you're never gonna
find that redemptionCopy !req
633. if you keep making the same damn mistake.Copy !req
634. I need to tell you...Copy !req
635. everything.Copy !req
636. After the bomb, Turbo was the only one
who had a game plan to survive.Copy !req
637. I followed him because I loved him,
and he loved me.Copy !req
638. Maybe too much.Copy !req
639. One day, I was talking to Curtis Bedford.Copy !req
640. The next day, Turbo impaled him on spikes.Copy !req
641. Turbo killed Tom Harthen
on American Ninja IdolCopy !req
642. because he said he liked my shoes.Copy !req
643. And more:
Barbra, Grisby, Medici, Gray,Copy !req
644. all those kids died
because they were being nice to me.Copy !req
645. Why does Hollywood
keep making movies from comic books?Copy !req
646. That's why I'm a rōnin.Copy !req
647. That's why I need redemption.Copy !req
648. You're going to dieCopy !req
649. because my ex-boyfriend can't stand
that you and I are friends.Copy !req
650. You put my song
on the soundtrack of our lives.Copy !req
651. Deltron 3030?Copy !req
652. Thanks for making me feel so cool, man.Copy !req
653. Did you hear what I said?Copy !req
654. I thought you were just singing along.Copy !req
655. It's now time to announce
our Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty!Copy !req
656. Mop Sam Dean...
I love you, Mop Sam!Copy !req
657. And Wesley Fists!Copy !req
658. Samurai for the win! Yeah!Copy !req
659. Well, I voted for you.Copy !req
660. I mean, you saved them.Copy !req
661. I made sure everyone knows
that you're the hero that we need.Copy !req
662. Irony is a bitch goddess.Copy !req
663. She puts that leather jacket on sale
the day after you buy it.Copy !req
664. She will make you gain five pounds
after you was on a two-week juice cleanse.Copy !req
665. And if you're plotting an assassination,Copy !req
666. you can be sure she will put
a plot twist in that motherfucker.Copy !req
667. Staring at the Grim Reaper,
Wesley didn't say,Copy !req
668. "If you like it,
you should've put a ring on it."Copy !req
669. He thought, "Maybe I deserve this."Copy !req
670. After Emmett, and Curtis, and Medici,
and Barbra, and Grisby, and Gray,Copy !req
671. after betraying and lying to Josh,Copy !req
672. Wesley realized he's not the warrior.Copy !req
673. He's the bully. He's the bad guy.Copy !req
674. He's just like Johnny in The Karate Kid.Copy !req
675. And like Johnny,
he has to sacrifice himselfCopy !req
676. so that the outcast can be the hero.Copy !req
677. Maybe if Wesley was dead,Copy !req
678. Turbo would be struck with grief,
and he'd call off his attack.Copy !req
679. Maybe this is the only way out.Copy !req
680. Stop!Copy !req
681. No one touch that crown!Copy !req
682. THE IGNOBLE AMBUSH OF TURBO BRO JOCKCopy !req
683. Wesley lied again.Copy !req
684. He learned this trick from Kurosawa.Copy !req
685. It's all about perspective,Copy !req
686. pulling a Rashomon.Copy !req
687. This is what he didn't show you.Copy !req
688. Stop!Copy !req
689. No one touch that crown.Copy !req
690. Turbo told me that
he's gonna come and kill you all.Copy !req
691. But I have a plan.Copy !req
692. I know how we can fight back.Copy !req
693. You have to trust me.Copy !req
694. Wesley set up decoys.Copy !req
695. Everyone hid, and you know the rest.Copy !req
696. In the end, Wesley chose wisely.Copy !req
697. He chose friendship.Copy !req
698. He chose himself.Copy !req
699. Maybe one day, he will end this quest,Copy !req
700. one day, he will be a samurai.Copy !req
701. But not today.Copy !req
702. It's like I said,Copy !req
703. this story does not end well.Copy !req
704. But, uh, that's a story for another time.Copy !req