1. In the time
when fire rained down from heavenCopy !req
2. and dust storms swept in from the east,Copy !req
3. a hero arose with a dope-ass name:Copy !req
4. Wesley Fists.Copy !req
5. Born in the hamlet of Compton,
Wesley's father was a dentist.Copy !req
6. His mother played Scratchers
and smoked Newports.Copy !req
7. From the time he could throw a punch,Copy !req
8. Fists trained
in the dojo of kung fu cinema.Copy !req
9. His favorites were Shogun Assassin,Copy !req
10. The Five Deadly Venoms,Copy !req
11. and of course, Enter the Dragon.Copy !req
12. But after hearing Enter the Wu-Tang,Copy !req
13. young Fists imagined me
narrating his life,Copy !req
14. The RZA,Copy !req
15. AKA The RZArectorCopy !req
16. AKA RZA RZA Razor Sharp,Copy !req
17. AKA The Abbot with the Golden Tablet,Copy !req
18. AKA Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah,Copy !req
19. AKA The Divine Prince Master Rakeem,Copy !req
20. AKA Bobby Digital,Copy !req
21. AKA Bobby Boulders,Copy !req
22. AKA Bobby Steels,Copy !req
23. AKA Daddy Diggs,Copy !req
24. AKA The Fatal Flying Guillotine Karrier.Copy !req
25. He knew I understood
what a warrior's soul wasCopy !req
26. and I could say shit like "saga"Copy !req
27. and "bring the motherfucking ruckus"
without sounding like a sucka.Copy !req
28. At the age 15, Fists's parents took
the arduous trek up the deadly 110 freewayCopy !req
29. to live in the village of Glendale.Copy !req
30. Fists thrived in his new environment.Copy !req
31. A defensive back of the first string,Copy !req
32. 11 sacks, ten interceptions,
five pick sixes.Copy !req
33. Shit, this kid was almost invincible.Copy !req
34. In the apocalypse,
our hero has taken on a mantle of rōnin,Copy !req
35. a wandering soul seeking redemption
for a heinous crime.Copy !req
36. A haunting tragedy yet to be revealed.Copy !req
37. To wit, Wesley gained new compatriotsCopy !req
38. with less dope names
like Josh and Angelica.Copy !req
39. Friends whom Wesley
might call family, but...Copy !req
40. his heart belongs to another...Copy !req
41. the villainous Turbo Bro Jock.Copy !req
42. Which side is this warrior gonna choose?Copy !req
43. So which are you gonna choose?Copy !req
44. Choose?Copy !req
45. Songs!Copy !req
46. For the homecoming dance playlist?Copy !req
47. This is no mere playlist.Copy !req
48. This is no mere
homecoming dance do-over.Copy !req
49. We rescued these kids from Baron Triumph.Copy !req
50. This is a Saturnalia
to the wonder of life,Copy !req
51. drinking from the water fountain of youth.Copy !req
52. Tonight, we stare the Grim Reaper
in the face, and we say,Copy !req
53. "If you like it,
then you should've put a ring on it."Copy !req
54. This is the soundtrack of our lives!Copy !req
55. Uh...Copy !req
56. Is this you? Uh, KJ?Copy !req
57. What does that stand for?Copy !req
58. Keung Jung?Copy !req
59. Uh, Kim Jong?Copy !req
60. Okay, look, we can't just let anyone in.Copy !req
61. Someone's gotta make sure
you 'fugees are copacetic.Copy !req
62. You remember ICE?Copy !req
63. Well, I'm the new ICE.Copy !req
64. Okay, I need you to sign
this oath of allegiance.Copy !req
65. Basically, you got to do
what I say at all times.Copy !req
66. And you can't make fun of me
behind my backCopy !req
67. like Dana Rappaport did
when I sharted in the third grade.Copy !req
68. Oh, and also,
it automatically casts a vote for meCopy !req
69. as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.Copy !req
70. This counts as a vote!Copy !req
71. Eyes on your own work!Copy !req
72. This isn't a test.Copy !req
73. It's art therapy.Copy !req
74. My psychiatrist had me do this to examine
subconscious emotions in my drawing.Copy !req
75. I painted an untamed unicorn baby gouging
her mommy unicorn in the uterus.Copy !req
76. But it didn't mean anything.Copy !req
77. Why are you using spiders?Copy !req
78. The black widow represents death,Copy !req
79. and the brown widow represents death.Copy !req
80. They duel because all of life is death.Copy !req
81. And brown is the new black.Copy !req
82. Turn it down! Turn the music down!Copy !req
83. Turn it down! The music, turn it down!Copy !req
84. The Ghoulie part of the Witch
is super sensitive to loud noise.Copy !req
85. Shit! I was only playing this on chill.Copy !req
86. I barely got to thumping.
What happens when I get to cranking?Copy !req
87. If you pump up the volume tonight,Copy !req
88. we'll be doing The Electric Slide
with a horde of Ghoulies.Copy !req
89. Hard to make the soundtrack of our lives
with no soundtrack.Copy !req
90. Maybe this is a bad idea,Copy !req
91. recreating what we we'll
never really have again.Copy !req
92. You're missing Sam pretty hard.Copy !req
93. We were gonna go to the dance together.Copy !req
94. She was gonna be Homecoming Queen.Copy !req
95. I know what you need.Copy !req
96. Maybe you should try masturbating.Copy !req
97. Dude...Copy !req
98. Also, you should try masturbating.Copy !req
99. A warrior will rub one out
before heading into battle.Copy !req
100. I thought samurai were like monks,
you know, on a strict NoFap diet.Copy !req
101. Samurai are the samurai
of burping the worm.Copy !req
102. Why you think
action figures got kung fu grip?Copy !req
103. You seem more chill than usual.Copy !req
104. Did saving all these kids, you know,
fulfill your quest for redemption?Copy !req
105. Don't write off the dance, brother.
Could be cathartic.Copy !req
106. Anyway, I'm heading out.
Gotta feed Triumph and Turbo.Copy !req
107. - I'll go with you.
- I got it.Copy !req
108. You use your survival skills
to solve this noise issue.Copy !req
109. Hey, hey, uh...Copy !req
110. What about Mastermind by Deltron 3030
for the soundtrack?Copy !req
111. Right? Yeah?Copy !req
112. There's only one reason
a man would ventureCopy !req
113. into the dangerous wasteland
all by his lonesome...Copy !req
114. Because he is a traitorous whelp
looking for a nooner.Copy !req
115. What about Josh?Copy !req
116. He's a friend.Copy !req
117. Don't get jealous.Copy !req
118. I'm not gonna let you do that.Copy !req
119. Why?Copy !req
120. Because he beat you?Copy !req
121. Because he left you here?Copy !req
122. I came back.Copy !req
123. Let it go.Copy !req
124. Don't get jealous.Copy !req
125. You want me to kill Josh?Copy !req
126. You punishing me for having a friend?Copy !req
127. Wesley Fists was familiar
with the rock and the hard place.Copy !req
128. He'd been there before,Copy !req
129. forced into choosing
a side on the battleground of life.Copy !req
130. - Homecoming, y'all!
- Whoo!Copy !req
131. - Compton on notice!
- Whoo!Copy !req
132. - We goin' to state!
- Whoo!Copy !req
133. - We dominate!
- Whoo!Copy !req
134. - Goin' hard like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
135. - Rollin' hard like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
136. - Hornets be like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
137. - Turbo be like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
138. - Hornets be like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
139. - Seize the crown like...
- Whoo!Copy !req
140. Seize the crown!Copy !req
141. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
142. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
143. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
144. - We got your back!
- Who got my back?Copy !req
145. We got your back!Copy !req
146. 'Sup, Wes?Copy !req
147. 'Sup, Emmett?Copy !req
148. Emmett was Wesley's third cousin
on his mama's side and his best friend.Copy !req
149. Gentlemen, welcome
to Glendale High School,Copy !req
150. but we have a strict no visitor policy.Copy !req
151. Yeah? Why is that?Copy !req
152. Your little posh crew gonna
get all jumpy around us niggas?Copy !req
153. No. What? What?Copy !req
154. No. No, we're all woke here.Copy !req
155. Uh, wide awoke.Copy !req
156. No, it's an administrative measure
for safetyCopy !req
157. and has nothing to do
with any form of institutionalized racism.Copy !req
158. But I am gonna have to ask your coach
to escort you off campusCopy !req
159. in a totally non-racist way.Copy !req
160. - Coach?
- It's all good, all right?Copy !req
161. Our bus just got here early.Copy !req
162. Stretching our legs,
sussing out the competition.Copy !req
163. Blood's gonna flow
like a chocolate fountainCopy !req
164. at a bar mitzvah, cousin.Copy !req
165. You don't get to call me
cousin no more, traitor.Copy !req
166. I transferred schools, Emmett.Copy !req
167. - It's not on me my pops moved.
- Yeah, it's on you.Copy !req
168. Bowing down
to these privileged white folks.Copy !req
169. - Why don't you step the fuck back.
- Hey, chill.Copy !req
170. Chill, Turbo. Chill!Copy !req
171. Chill. It's all good.Copy !req
172. He's just trying to get me riled up.Copy !req
173. But when you know your enemy
better than you know yourself,Copy !req
174. - the outcome has already been decided.
- You ain't no samurai, you dumb blerd.Copy !req
175. It was fun playing when we was kids,
but that was a game.Copy !req
176. Why you trying to be
something you ain't?Copy !req
177. Man, you would've never said
that shit to Wu-Tang.Copy !req
178. Or Kendrick
when he's trying to be Kung Fu Kenny,Copy !req
179. or Nicki Minaj
when she's trying to play Chun-Li.Copy !req
180. Bitch, I'm on the tip!Copy !req
181. Yeah, like vanilla iced matcha latte.Copy !req
182. You frontin' Asian? You frontin' white?Copy !req
183. Bet you eat
that nasty-ass qui-noa shit too, huh?Copy !req
184. "Quinoa..."Copy !req
185. is fucking delicious.Copy !req
186. Spoken like a true white boy.Copy !req
187. There's only two things I really missCopy !req
188. about the way things were.Copy !req
189. Reading a Nicholas Sparks novel
cover to cover the day it comes outCopy !req
190. and live-tweeting The Bachelor.Copy !req
191. You eat people's hearts.Copy !req
192. Doesn't mean I don't have one.Copy !req
193. Why are you keeping me alive?Copy !req
194. We're not killers.Copy !req
195. I don't like being locked up,Copy !req
196. but watching you
and Turbo has got me hooked.Copy !req
197. The romance, betrayal, secrets.Copy !req
198. What's gonna happen next?Copy !req
199. I don't think you and I
engaging in discourse is advisable.Copy !req
200. Oh?Copy !req
201. Well, who encouraged you
to take AP EnglishCopy !req
202. so you could boost up your GPA?Copy !req
203. You did.Copy !req
204. Who gave you his FilmStruck password
so you could watch those Kurosawa films?Copy !req
205. - You did.
- And who comforted youCopy !req
206. when Jessie Felk broke your heart?Copy !req
207. Omar from The Wire.Copy !req
208. Yeah, but who told you to watch The Wire?Copy !req
209. - You told me to watch season two.
- Season two is amazing.Copy !req
210. Only white dudes like season two!Copy !req
211. You could surgically remove
season two, and no one would miss it.Copy !req
212. Don't you miss this, Wesley?Copy !req
213. Talking around
the proverbial water cooler.Copy !req
214. You're eyeing me like a steak.Copy !req
215. Nah, that's just sympathy.Copy !req
216. I know what you're going through.Copy !req
217. You're being pulled
between two friends, again.Copy !req
218. I remember.Copy !req
219. I know what your cousin said to you
at the pep rally.Copy !req
220. He said, "Ease up, cuz.Copy !req
221. Take it easy on me out there.Copy !req
222. I need this win. You don't.Copy !req
223. You can let me win."Copy !req
224. He even said...Copy !req
225. Please.Copy !req
226. Selfish brat wanted you to throw the game
so that he could win.Copy !req
227. You don't know shit about my cousin.Copy !req
228. I know about playing ninja
at Rancho Cienega Rec.Copy !req
229. I know he was just guttedCopy !req
230. when you left Compton.Copy !req
231. How do you know that?Copy !req
232. Because...Copy !req
233. I ate Emmett, you blerd.Copy !req
234. You deserve your cage.Copy !req
235. You're gonna hurt everyone you love.Copy !req
236. And I'll be here...Copy !req
237. binging every episode.Copy !req
238. Looks like someone is spying on you.Copy !req
239. Dun, dun, dun!Copy !req
240. DUN, DUN, DUNCopy !req
241. You gotta be kidding me.Copy !req
242. Whoa, that's my board.Copy !req
243. Right,
you don't speak any English. Okay.Copy !req
244. No.Copy !req
245. That...Copy !req
246. is mine.Copy !req
247. Angelica.Copy !req
248. Thanks.Copy !req
249. Angelica?Copy !req
250. I know what you're doing,
and you have to stop.Copy !req
251. I look so pretty in my dress!Copy !req
252. Why is she yelling?Copy !req
253. I put plugs in her ears.Copy !req
254. I have plugs in my ears!Copy !req
255. So she won't be bothered
by the music at the dance.Copy !req
256. No, I have plugs in my ears.Copy !req
257. I'm trying to fix the sound thing.Copy !req
258. Yeah, by hanging blankets on the wall
like this is a freshmen dorm!Copy !req
259. You didn't even go
to our school, Angelica.Copy !req
260. - Why do you care so much about this dance?
- Everyone likes to dance!Copy !req
261. Music stimulates
the orbital frontal cortex,Copy !req
262. and dance activates the cerebellum.Copy !req
263. Every culture, around the world,Copy !req
264. throughout time,Copy !req
265. they all shake their booty.Copy !req
266. That includes me, the Witch,Copy !req
267. Wesley, KJ, you...Copy !req
268. Oh, no, no. KJ and I...Copy !req
269. never gonna happen.Copy !req
270. But you guys have so much in common!Copy !req
271. You both skate, and you...Copy !req
272. skate.Copy !req
273. I know you miss Sam,
but she's dead.Copy !req
274. Your little meet-cutes are meet-stupids.Copy !req
275. And they have to stop.Copy !req
276. There are five stages of grief:Copy !req
277. denial, anger, depression,Copy !req
278. rebound sex, Korean spa.Copy !req
279. The spider venom has mutated.Copy !req
280. It's super toxic. Death on contact.Copy !req
281. Ms. Crumble's crown is lethal.Copy !req
282. - Don't touch.
- Yes, yes!Copy !req
283. - I do like horchata!
- Oh, no!Copy !req
284. Yes, it's cinnamon-y goodness!Copy !req
285. - Ow!
- Just stop.Copy !req
286. It says you do as I say,
and it automatically casts a vote for meCopy !req
287. as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.Copy !req
288. Just sign here, Other Gay Josh.Copy !req
289. Uh, Gay Josh is dead,Copy !req
290. so I think I should just be Gay Josh now.Copy !req
291. You can't appropriate someone's identity!Copy !req
292. Show some damned respect!Copy !req
293. Now we can talk privately.Copy !req
294. How much did you see?Copy !req
295. Enough to start
a new streaming porn service.Copy !req
296. That was sick.Copy !req
297. Don't be one of those homophobic,
small-minded, backsliding,Copy !req
298. pearl-clutching, rainbow hating,
no-keg-selling Westboro book burners!Copy !req
299. I don't care if you dig bagpiping,Copy !req
300. but you're bagpiping Turbo, bro!Copy !req
301. But you knew that!Copy !req
302. You've been blackmailing me for weeks!Copy !req
303. Here's the trill, I lied!Copy !req
304. Okay, it's one of my moves.Copy !req
305. I narrow my eyes all seriously and say,
"I know your secret, Fists."Copy !req
306. You're the dump truck who took the bait!Copy !req
307. Pretty sneaky, sis.Copy !req
308. My IQ level is Gucci.Copy !req
309. Now, turn off that musicCopy !req
310. before your milkshake brings
all the ghouls to the yard.Copy !req
311. Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey!Copy !req
312. Yo... Hey!Copy !req
313. Hey!Copy !req
314. You're a pacifist!Copy !req
315. You're not gonna let me die out here!Copy !req
316. You can't blackmail me if you're brunch!Copy !req
317. I'm not letting you control my destiny.Copy !req
318. I'm telling Josh everything.Copy !req
319. What do you think Josh is gonna sayCopy !req
320. when he finds out his best friend
is a full-on Benedict Cumberbatch?Copy !req
321. You mean Benedict Arnold?Copy !req
322. I mean I'm gonna be
eggs benedict lobster hollandaiseCopy !req
323. if you don't open this fucking door!Copy !req
324. You had your reach-around with the devil.
Now you gotta kill Josh.Copy !req
325. I can't!Copy !req
326. If you don't kill Josh,
you're gonna kill the rest of us!Copy !req
327. A wise man once said,Copy !req
328. "The needs of many outweigh
the needs of one dead Canadian."Copy !req
329. You're quoting Star Trek.Copy !req
330. Spock is a space samurai!Copy !req
331. Hey, hey! Wes!Copy !req
332. Where are you going?Copy !req
333. Wes!Copy !req
334. Just as these monsters tore apart
this sweet ass ghetto blaster,Copy !req
335. so too was Wesley's soul torn asunder,Copy !req
336. in the present, and in the past.Copy !req
337. Hadouken!Copy !req
338. You win!Copy !req
339. You never lose as Ryu.Copy !req
340. Compton must have you rattled.Copy !req
341. The buttons are sticking is all, okay?Copy !req
342. This game gets us into state.Copy !req
343. College scouts are coming.Copy !req
344. Also, you know Coach is dying?Copy !req
345. - I thought Coach was retiring.
- He's retiring because he's dying.Copy !req
346. This is on your shoulders, QB.Copy !req
347. But you could be on the QT.Copy !req
348. Round Two, fight!Copy !req
349. Hey, what's Guile's secret move?Copy !req
350. Front, back, kick, kick, kick.Copy !req
351. What's your secret move?Copy !req
352. You are.Copy !req
353. I'm just a defensive back.Copy !req
354. Ten interceptions, three pick sixes.Copy !req
355. - You know my line?
- I know all your lines.Copy !req
356. I don't have your knowledge
of kung fu movies,Copy !req
357. but I know Karate Kid.Copy !req
358. Tonight, you have to sweep the leg.Copy !req
359. You take out their top receiver, we win.Copy !req
360. You know Daniel still beats JohnnyCopy !req
361. and gets
the All Valley Karate Championship trophy.Copy !req
362. Johnny didn't have
the bro globes to finish him.Copy !req
363. Daniel sent a crane kick.Copy !req
364. "If do right, no can defense."Copy !req
365. Yes, can defense. Easy can defense.
You just take a step back.Copy !req
366. He did kind of walk right into it.Copy !req
367. Yeah. Johnny just felt all sorry
for all the shit he did to Daniel.Copy !req
368. Daniel didn't win. Johnny had a limp dick.Copy !req
369. - Yeah!
- See, that's what I'm talking about!Copy !req
370. Emmett is my family.Copy !req
371. Your family calls you a bitch
in front of the whole school.Copy !req
372. Maybe he's right! Maybe I am fronting
so I can fit in around here.Copy !req
373. Acting all ninja so y'all would dig me
or some shit.Copy !req
374. You are something too cool
for him to even fathom.Copy !req
375. Don't play me.Copy !req
376. I like you.Copy !req
377. I play a lot of games.Copy !req
378. But want to know
how I know you're for real?Copy !req
379. The hell is going on with you?Copy !req
380. Stepping out?
Leaving the school all by yourself?Copy !req
381. You're being sloppy.Copy !req
382. People are gonna ask questions.Copy !req
383. Hey!Copy !req
384. You chose me to be your right hand
'cause I'm not weak sauce.Copy !req
385. And I'm no idiot.Copy !req
386. I know where you've been,
and I know who you've been with.Copy !req
387. You're hooking up with Wesley.Copy !req
388. He invited us to come to a dance.Copy !req
389. I get it.Copy !req
390. You fucking love the guy,Copy !req
391. and he fucking loves you.Copy !req
392. And you're both so fucking lucky.Copy !req
393. Shit, I'd kill for someone to look at me
the way Wesley looks at you.Copy !req
394. It's...Copy !req
395. It's really beautiful.Copy !req
396. But there's no time for love.Copy !req
397. You go to that mall,Copy !req
398. do the Cabbage Patch with Wesley,Copy !req
399. and make peace with those mall rats?Copy !req
400. It'll show everyone you've gone soft,Copy !req
401. ripe for a Groupon-d'état.Copy !req
402. Everyone will try to overthrow
your ass at once.Copy !req
403. Or...Copy !req
404. we can have our own homecoming dance.Copy !req
405. Show them all how it gets done.Copy !req
406. What? Everyone likes to dance.Copy !req
407. You can't kill Josh. It has to be me.Copy !req
408. - That's how Turbo wants it.
- How do you know that?Copy !req
409. So what are we gonna do?Copy !req
410. I got to put my thinking cap on.Copy !req
411. I used to be a king,Copy !req
412. a fair, noble ruler.Copy !req
413. Just me and Mavis.Copy !req
414. Our threads were dope,
and I got to sink the pinkCopy !req
415. three times a day.Copy !req
416. That's true love.Copy !req
417. And then Josh happened.Copy !req
418. He busts in my mall, he camps in my mall,Copy !req
419. brought all these kids into my mall.Copy !req
420. And now they're gonna vote for Josh
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty?Copy !req
421. Face it. I mean, dude deserves to die.Copy !req
422. I don't want to kill Josh, but...Copy !req
423. if I did,Copy !req
424. it'd have to be quick,
and painless, and untraceable.Copy !req
425. A perfect murder.Copy !req
426. Mm...Copy !req
427. We get a mutant pug.Copy !req
428. A falling air conditioner.Copy !req
429. We get a hippo.Copy !req
430. A hive of angry bees.Copy !req
431. We get a shark.Copy !req
432. Ricin cigarette.Copy !req
433. Banana peel.Copy !req
434. Parking meter?Copy !req
435. An angry Roomba.Copy !req
436. Reprogram the escalator.Copy !req
437. Truck with lots of rebar in it.Copy !req
438. A whole bunch of marbles.Copy !req
439. Oh, an exploding xylophone.Copy !req
440. Texting while driving.Copy !req
441. Ricin cigarette.Copy !req
442. I said that.Copy !req
443. Oh.Copy !req
444. Um, extra-long bungee cord.Copy !req
445. Hot dog eating contest.Copy !req
446. Oh, a parkour contest.Copy !req
447. Freddy Krueger cosplay.Copy !req
448. - Pray to Thor.
- Kale.Copy !req
449. Waterboarding by Ghoulie jizz.Copy !req
450. The fuck?Copy !req
451. Shit, I don't want to do this.Copy !req
452. But damn...Copy !req
453. I know what I have to do.Copy !req
454. Um...Copy !req
455. Um... Uh...Copy !req
456. I...Copy !req
457. I just want to ask you something.Copy !req
458. Yes!Copy !req
459. While everyone in the mall
got ready for the dance,Copy !req
460. Wesley Fists got ready
to assassinate Josh Wheeler.Copy !req
461. Wesley's favorite kung-fu movie
was a classic piece of cinema:Copy !req
462. The Man with the Poison Crown.Copy !req
463. In the film, a dethroned prince
enters a tournament of deathCopy !req
464. to regain his empire
with his favorite weapon,Copy !req
465. the aforementioned toxic tiara.Copy !req
466. Fists's plan was bold and decisive.Copy !req
467. After saving the kids from Baron Triumph,Copy !req
468. Josh was certain to win
the gender-neutral homecoming title.Copy !req
469. Mutant spider venom kills on contact.Copy !req
470. When Josh puts the crown on...Copy !req
471. instant death, a tragic accident.Copy !req
472. The weapon is set, the deed is done.Copy !req
473. No regrets, no turning back.Copy !req
474. Oh, no!Copy !req
475. You wanted me to come to the dance.Copy !req
476. With a human!Copy !req
477. Not a pile of dirty string
that smells like ammonia.Copy !req
478. But I saw you talking to KJ.Copy !req
479. Yeah, she helped me set up
these Bluetooth headphones.Copy !req
480. I knew how important this dance was
to everyone, and you,Copy !req
481. so I just wanted to make sure
it really happened.Copy !req
482. So you could dance with Mop Sam?Copy !req
483. Look, in junior high, we had to go
to the school dances for gym credit.Copy !req
484. So if you weren't busting a move
with a girl,Copy !req
485. Mr. Ziphlo made you dance with a mop.Copy !req
486. This is the saddest thing
I've heard in my entire life.Copy !req
487. And I survived a nuclear holocaust.Copy !req
488. I was one of the guys who never had
the courage to ask a girl out.Copy !req
489. But then I asked Sam
to the homecoming dance, and...Copy !req
490. she said yes.Copy !req
491. I miss Sam.Copy !req
492. Ooh, slow jam!Copy !req
493. You got this, 54.Copy !req
494. Hey, Mona, you want to dance?Copy !req
495. Do I look like I eat white meat?Copy !req
496. This dance sucks!Copy !req
497. We had another balloon,
but Barry went and popped it.Copy !req
498. In solidarity with Terry.Copy !req
499. RIP Terry, RIP Jerry, RIP Larry.Copy !req
500. These mopes just need
some encouragement.Copy !req
501. Quit sulking and dance.Copy !req
502. Now!Copy !req
503. We're not much of a team, Barry.Copy !req
504. Oh, don't get glum, Gary.Copy !req
505. There's plenty of two-person teams.Copy !req
506. Beach volleyball,Copy !req
507. doubles tennis,Copy !req
508. jai alai,Copy !req
509. bobsledding...Copy !req
510. Bobsledding doesn't have a ball.Copy !req
511. Well maybe we recruit some new members.Copy !req
512. No one's enlisting.
We got a target on our back.Copy !req
513. Nah, it's on our fucking face.Copy !req
514. They're taking odds on
which one of us is gonna die next.Copy !req
515. Okay, look.
These jocks are swole on steroids.Copy !req
516. Golf is a thinking bro's game.Copy !req
517. We don't act rash,Copy !req
518. but we methodically plot
our path to the hole.Copy !req
519. They don't call us masters for nothing.Copy !req
520. Yeah. Green is my favorite color.Copy !req
521. We only need two members to be a team.Copy !req
522. I got your back, you got mine.Copy !req
523. I got your back, you got mine.Copy !req
524. Voting is closed, friends.Copy !req
525. Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty will be
officially announced in five minutes.Copy !req
526. If you think this tale has a happy end,Copy !req
527. if you hope the rōnin will see
the error of his ways and save the day...Copy !req
528. well, then you haven't
been paying attention at all.Copy !req
529. You look like a homecoming queen!Copy !req
530. You and Turbo make a cute couple.Copy !req
531. Uh, you and Turbo make a cute couple.Copy !req
532. How did you know?Copy !req
533. I see how you look at him.Copy !req
534. He's DTF.Copy !req
535. But IDK. It's TBD.Copy !req
536. You should be Homecoming King.Copy !req
537. I'm more the guy behind the guy.Copy !req
538. Not a gay thing.Copy !req
539. Just...Copy !req
540. truth.Copy !req
541. Well, I voted for you.Copy !req
542. Everybody voted for Turbo.Copy !req
543. You're a football player,Copy !req
544. a film geek, the only gay samurai
to pull off tie dye pants,Copy !req
545. and you always have the sickest weed.Copy !req
546. Sense and Sensimilla is good.Copy !req
547. I personally like
Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Pipe.Copy !req
548. When I grow up,
I want to make my own strain.Copy !req
549. 420 Rōnin.Copy !req
550. We're supposed to be spending this time
finding out who we really are.Copy !req
551. And you, my friend, are the only one
who's brave enough to try.Copy !req
552. That is why you're royalty.Copy !req
553. I'm just trying to survive.Copy !req
554. I got friends,Copy !req
555. my team, Turbo,Copy !req
556. family, Emmett.Copy !req
557. And still...Copy !req
558. I feel so alone.Copy !req
559. I have over...Copy !req
560. a million followers
since Josh posted that video.Copy !req
561. But finding
that one person who really gets...Copy !req
562. There are so many conditions
on unconditional love.Copy !req
563. I have to choose...Copy !req
564. between Emmett...Copy !req
565. and Turbo.Copy !req
566. Whoever I choose...Copy !req
567. I lose the other.Copy !req
568. Probably forever.Copy !req
569. You're a regular Yojimbo.Copy !req
570. You should do what I did.Copy !req
571. Choose Wesley.Copy !req
572. Set, hike!Copy !req
573. Fourth quarter, two minutes on the clock.Copy !req
574. Glendale's up by five,
Compton has the ball on their 20.Copy !req
575. If Compton makes this drive,Copy !req
576. they could win the whole bangalanga.Copy !req
577. Now Wesley's cousin wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.Copy !req
578. Wesley's boyfriend wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.Copy !req
579. How do you win a no-win situation?Copy !req
580. Instead of choosing Emmett or Turbo,Copy !req
581. Wesley followed Sam Dean's advice.Copy !req
582. He chose himself.Copy !req
583. He shoved one player into another.Copy !req
584. It only takes a minimal amount
of friction to start a fire.Copy !req
585. That fire can light a fuse,Copy !req
586. and when it burns down...Copy !req
587. Boom! There goes the dynamite.Copy !req
588. Tempers flared so hot
that chilly autumn eveCopy !req
589. that the ground temperature rose
about 11 degrees,Copy !req
590. and Wesley Fists evaded
the impossible choiceCopy !req
591. by eliminating the unanswerable question.Copy !req
592. And by doing so,Copy !req
593. he truly became a samurai.Copy !req
594. Nah, that ain't
what the fuck happened.Copy !req
595. That's just a lie
that Wesley tells himself.Copy !req
596. - What actually happened is this.
- Hike!Copy !req
597. What's the matter, Fists?Copy !req
598. You don't dig on hearing the truth?Copy !req
599. Yo, you can't run away from me.Copy !req
600. I'm in your head, kid.Copy !req
601. And I'm so sick
of your slash fiction bullshit.Copy !req
602. You have to say what I think!Copy !req
603. You're my narrator!Copy !req
604. Son, I'm the sharpest motherfucker
in the whole damn Clan.Copy !req
605. You know I speak the truth.
You picked the RZA, right?Copy !req
606. That's on you.Copy !req
607. Now, I'm gonna tell you how it is.Copy !req
608. Easy! I'm the one dealing
with the end of the world up in here.Copy !req
609. You're so damned twisted, man,
you don't even know what is true or false.Copy !req
610. There was never even a movie called
The Man With the Poisoned Crown, yo!Copy !req
611. Yeah-huh! I saw it on Channel Five.Copy !req
612. You're mixing up Shogun Assassin
with Master of the Flying Guillotine,Copy !req
613. which is offensive, right?Copy !req
614. Because kung fu and samurai
are different cultures.Copy !req
615. Shit!Copy !req
616. Children make shit up, man,Copy !req
617. so they can be heroes of their story.Copy !req
618. Emmett was right!Copy !req
619. I am a fake! I'm no samurai!Copy !req
620. I'm camp as fuck!Copy !req
621. It's not your fault
you want to be a samurai.Copy !req
622. See, that's the economical pressure
being expressed as warrior code.Copy !req
623. It started when young black men
couldn't afford to go to the moviesCopy !req
624. so we watched kung fu reruns.Copy !req
625. We found beauty in things
that had been neglected.Copy !req
626. We saw the lotus flower
growing out of the mud.Copy !req
627. It spun out to everything, man,
from Jim Kelly to The Last DragonCopy !req
628. to Sho'nuff Shogun.Copy !req
629. This shit gonna be on the test?Copy !req
630. Are you gonna help me out here?Copy !req
631. Man, look at yourself.Copy !req
632. Look at yourself!Copy !req
633. You didn't choose you.Copy !req
634. You chose Turbo.Copy !req
635. And you can't even admit it.Copy !req
636. You can't help who you love.Copy !req
637. And you're never gonna
find that redemptionCopy !req
638. if you keep making the same damn mistake.Copy !req
639. I need to tell you...Copy !req
640. everything.Copy !req
641. After the bomb, Turbo was the only one
who had a game plan to survive.Copy !req
642. I followed him because I loved him,
and he loved me.Copy !req
643. Maybe too much.Copy !req
644. One day, I was talking to Curtis Bedford.Copy !req
645. The next day, Turbo impaled him on spikes.Copy !req
646. Turbo killed Tom Harthen
on American Ninja IdolCopy !req
647. because he said he liked my shoes.Copy !req
648. And more:
Barbra, Grisby, Medici, Gray,Copy !req
649. all those kids died
because they were being nice to me.Copy !req
650. Why does Hollywood
keep making movies from comic books?Copy !req
651. That's why I'm a rōnin.Copy !req
652. That's why I need redemption.Copy !req
653. You're going to dieCopy !req
654. because my ex-boyfriend can't stand
that you and I are friends.Copy !req
655. You put my song
on the soundtrack of our lives.Copy !req
656. Deltron 3030?Copy !req
657. Thanks for making me feel so cool, man.Copy !req
658. Did you hear what I said?Copy !req
659. I thought you were just singing along.Copy !req
660. It's now time to announce
our Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty!Copy !req
661. Mop Sam Dean...Copy !req
662. I love you, Mop Sam!Copy !req
663. And Wesley Fists!Copy !req
664. Samurai for the win! Yeah!Copy !req
665. Well, I voted for you.Copy !req
666. I mean, you saved them.Copy !req
667. I made sure everyone knows
that you're the hero that we need.Copy !req
668. Irony is a bitch goddess.Copy !req
669. She puts that leather jacket on sale
the day after you buy it.Copy !req
670. She will make you gain five pounds
after you was on a two-week juice cleanse.Copy !req
671. And if you're plotting an assassination,Copy !req
672. you can be sure she will put
a plot twist in that motherfucker.Copy !req
673. Staring at the Grim Reaper,
Wesley didn't say,Copy !req
674. "If you like it,
you should've put a ring on it."Copy !req
675. He thought, "Maybe I deserve this."Copy !req
676. After Emmett, and Curtis, and Medici,
and Barbra, and Grisby, and Gray,Copy !req
677. after betraying and lying to Josh,Copy !req
678. Wesley realized he's not the warrior.Copy !req
679. He's the bully. He's the bad guy.Copy !req
680. He's just like Johnny in The Karate Kid.Copy !req
681. And like Johnny,
he has to sacrifice himselfCopy !req
682. so that the outcast can be the hero.Copy !req
683. Maybe if Wesley was dead,Copy !req
684. Turbo would be struck with grief,
and he'd call off his attack.Copy !req
685. Maybe this is the only way out.Copy !req
686. Stop!Copy !req
687. No one touch that crown!Copy !req
688. Wesley lied again.Copy !req
689. He learned this trick from Kurosawa.Copy !req
690. It's all about perspective,Copy !req
691. pulling a Rashomon.Copy !req
692. This is what he didn't show you.Copy !req
693. Stop!Copy !req
694. No one touch that crown.Copy !req
695. Turbo told me that
he's gonna come and kill you all.Copy !req
696. But I have a plan.Copy !req
697. I know how we can fight back.Copy !req
698. You have to trust me.Copy !req
699. Wesley set up decoys.Copy !req
700. Everyone hid, and you know the rest.Copy !req
701. In the end, Wesley chose wisely.Copy !req
702. He chose friendship.Copy !req
703. He chose himself.Copy !req
704. Maybe one day, he will end this quest,Copy !req
705. one day, he will be a samurai.Copy !req
706. But not today.Copy !req
707. It's like I said,Copy !req
708. this story does not end well.Copy !req
709. But, uh, that's a story for another time.Copy !req