1. Training montage!Copy !req
2. Slow motion.Copy !req
3. Sick moves!Copy !req
4. Olé.Copy !req
5. Stunt double.Copy !req
6. So, clean this shit up and, uh, your turn.Copy !req
7. What?Copy !req
8. Training montage.Copy !req
9. Ninja!Copy !req
10. Quick hit!Copy !req
11. Oopsie-daisy.Copy !req
12. Fuck, yeah!Copy !req
13. Wow, that is... ironic.Copy !req
14. Dude, I'm a terrible swordsman,Copy !req
15. especially with only one good hand.Copy !req
16. You are in good company:Copy !req
17. Skywalker, Furiosa...Copy !req
18. Jaime Lannister, if you can get past
child-killing, incest, rape.Copy !req
19. Hands give us identity.Copy !req
20. Chefs cut, artists paint, warriors...Copy !req
21. warrior.Copy !req
22. All good Jedi lose a hand.Copy !req
23. I couldn't even get that right.Copy !req
24. Like...Copy !req
25. You know what I love about right now?Copy !req
26. We are free.Copy !req
27. We can do anything.Copy !req
28. I couldn't pull off those pants.Copy !req
29. No. No, you cannot.Copy !req
30. But it's not about having cool shit.Copy !req
31. It's about being cool as shit.Copy !req
32. You define yourself.Copy !req
33. Who are you?Copy !req
34. I'm oni samurai.Copy !req
35. When I get done with my questCopy !req
36. and find redemption,Copy !req
37. they will write songs about me.Copy !req
38. Look, I couldn't save Sam's life.Copy !req
39. I have to avenge her death.Copy !req
40. Those scratches on her body
were made by a butcher's knife.Copy !req
41. I've only seen one douche
with a weapon like that.Copy !req
42. I'm gonna kill Baron Triumph.Copy !req
43. I'm gonna kill Jaden Hoyles.Copy !req
44. I like Josh Wheeler.Copy !req
45. It's nice that
he and Wesley found each other.Copy !req
46. Unlikely friends, but a good team.Copy !req
47. That's what a principal hopes
for his students.Copy !req
48. My name is Michael Francis Xavier Burr.Copy !req
49. I was principal at Glendale High
for 22 years,Copy !req
50. and now I'm dead.Copy !req
51. I had this tradition
at the start of every year.Copy !req
52. I'd spread wildflower seeds around campus.Copy !req
53. Like each flower,
I'd help my students grow.Copy !req
54. It's thrilling.Copy !req
55. You never know what will happen,
who will flourish,Copy !req
56. who will thrive against adversity.Copy !req
57. I believed all kids were flowers
waiting to bloom.Copy !req
58. I was wrong.Copy !req
59. My story is about how one of these seedsCopy !req
60. grew into a pernicious weed.Copy !req
61. A weed I should have pulled
when I had the chance.Copy !req
62. I didn't.Copy !req
63. I made a monster.Copy !req
64. I made Baron Triumph.Copy !req
65. Uh, vandalism with a Sharpie,Copy !req
66. vandalism with paint,Copy !req
67. vandalism with semen.Copy !req
68. You can't prove that.Copy !req
69. I can, but the school doesn't have
a budget line for DNA tests.Copy !req
70. I'm sorry. Is this why you asked us here?Copy !req
71. For unsubstantiated rumors?Copy !req
72. Jaden has a D in algebra.Copy !req
73. He's on academic probation.Copy !req
74. One more infraction will result
in expulsion.Copy !req
75. I would hate for Jaden to be
held back... again.Copy !req
76. Mike. May I call you Mike?Copy !req
77. You can call me Principal Burr,
Mr. Hoyles.Copy !req
78. Dr. Hoyles.Copy !req
79. Dr. Hoyles.
You can call me Dr. HoylesCopy !req
80. because I have a PhD...Copy !req
81. in whole-grain oats
and rainbow marshmallows.Copy !req
82. - Yes.
- Goblin Flakes. The cereal.Copy !req
83. Yum-yum.Copy !req
84. Goblin Flakes has been a bestseller
for Hoyle-Some Cereal... for decades.Copy !req
85. And Jaden here...Copy !req
86. Well, Jaden has been our best spokeskid.Copy !req
87. Gobble them up, JJ.Copy !req
88. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
89. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
90. How about that? It gets me every time.
It's adorable. It still holds up.Copy !req
91. Principal Burr,Copy !req
92. we run a family business
with family values,Copy !req
93. and if people learn
that the face of our companyCopy !req
94. was on academic probation, well, that...Copy !req
95. that would be bad
for the Hoyle-Some image.Copy !req
96. I believe that every student deserves
a second chance.Copy !req
97. And if Mr. Hoyles is willing to do
the hard work and clean up his record...Copy !req
98. and the, uh,Copy !req
99. discharge that was found
on the tampon dispenserCopy !req
100. - in the third-floor ladies' restroom...Copy !req
101. I'm sure we can find a path
back to good standing.Copy !req
102. Right, a path, maybe a very short path.Copy !req
103. Like a shortcut, you know.Copy !req
104. A C-minus instead of D.
How about that?Copy !req
105. You want me to change his grade?Copy !req
106. No, no, of course not.
No, no, no.Copy !req
107. I want you to know
that Hoyle-Some CerealCopy !req
108. offers educational grants
to schools in need.Copy !req
109. Yes.Copy !req
110. A bribe?Copy !req
111. No bribe. No, no, bribe.Copy !req
112. No bribe, no.Copy !req
113. A helping hand...Copy !req
114. to refurbish the gym,
to plant a community garden.Copy !req
115. Or get new science equipment to figure out
who blew that man chowder.Copy !req
116. Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
117. Shut up, Jaden!Copy !req
118. Grades are not for sale here.Copy !req
119. You should get back to class, Mr. Hoyles,Copy !req
120. and start the process of extricating
yourself from the hole that you created.Copy !req
121. I believe Mademoiselle Woodworth
is expecting you.Copy !req
122. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
123. I should have expelled him right there.Copy !req
124. It would have prevented so much pain.Copy !req
125. If we don't tell Josh...Copy !req
126. we faked Sam's death,Copy !req
127. he is going to get his testicles
deep fried by Triumph.Copy !req
128. But if we tell Josh the truth,Copy !req
129. he'll still leave the mall
and get his ass smoked trying to save Sam.Copy !req
130. We're forging a tribe here.Copy !req
131. Three people can't even play Spades.Copy !req
132. - Don't forget the Witch.
- She already forgot herself.Copy !req
133. - And what about Eli?
- Megalomaniac.Copy !req
134. - And Eli's girlfriend, Mavis.
- The mannequin?Copy !req
135. We're making something important here.Copy !req
136. More will come, you'll see.Copy !req
137. So, just stop being so gay.Copy !req
138. Uh...Copy !req
139. And before you get offended,Copy !req
140. I don't mean stop loving men.Copy !req
141. - I'm saying it like, don't be retarded.
- Uh...Copy !req
142. And I don't mean don't have Down syndrome
or something because...Copy !req
143. you can totally love men,
and you can have Down.Copy !req
144. - Okay.
- Just, um...Copy !req
145. you know...Copy !req
146. Stop being so gay and retarded.Copy !req
147. Boop.Copy !req
148. I'm stoning, atoning
for the things I've done.Copy !req
149. Lying to Josh is a pothole
on my path to redemption.Copy !req
150. If Josh is going to try to kill Triumph,Copy !req
151. then you protect him.Copy !req
152. Take him on a wild-goose chase.Copy !req
153. Just don't get near
the Hoyle-Some Cereal factory.Copy !req
154. I think that's where Triumph hangs.Copy !req
155. So, Jaden Hoyles really is the Baron.Copy !req
156. Dunno.Copy !req
157. I heard one kid sayCopy !req
158. that when Triumph breathes,Copy !req
159. you can hear all the children he ate,
screaming.Copy !req
160. You need to come with us.Copy !req
161. Sorrys! My calendar is crazy booked.Copy !req
162. I have a date with the Witch.Copy !req
163. Why?Copy !req
164. This is Angelica Green.Copy !req
165. Day one of my observation of the Witch.Copy !req
166. Most Ghoulies are mindless blood chuggers,Copy !req
167. but the Witch continues to show signs
of intelligence.Copy !req
168. So I decided to Dian Fossey this shit upCopy !req
169. to get a closer look.Copy !req
170. The Witch is recreating
an arcade game from her youth...Copy !req
171. which is kinda pathetic.Copy !req
172. Nostalgia is like having sex with a hookerCopy !req
173. and pretending she's your prom dateCopy !req
174. when you know full well she's a hooker,
and you're gonna get herpes and die.Copy !req
175. Also, the Witch only consumes
insects or animal blood.Copy !req
176. Is she fighting the urge to eat people?Copy !req
177. My theory is that she wants to return
to the woman she was.Copy !req
178. I need to help her get back.Copy !req
179. Okay.Copy !req
180. Yeah.Copy !req
181. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.Copy !req
182. This is what I'm talking about, brother.Copy !req
183. You define yourself.Copy !req
184. Now, come out here and show me
your new killer digits.Copy !req
185. Nice figure, Kim Cattrall.Copy !req
186. Because she was a mannequin.Copy !req
187. In the movie Mannequin?Copy !req
188. About a mannequin who comes to life?Copy !req
189. They made a sequel with Kristy Swanson,
the orig Buffy the Vampire Slayer?Copy !req
190. Okay.Copy !req
191. Let's go hunt Baron Triumph.Copy !req
192. Josh Wheeler!Copy !req
193. You're pulling my brains out.Copy !req
194. Stop squirming,
and I'll give you a quarterCopy !req
195. to ride the mechanical rocket
in the indoor playground.Copy !req
196. Dude, if you want to get those dreads out,Copy !req
197. you need to use conditioner.Copy !req
198. That's finishing spray.Copy !req
199. That's a curling iron.Copy !req
200. That's bikini wax
for rhinestone-encrusted ba-shine-a.Copy !req
201. You're disrupting my experiments.Copy !req
202. Well, this looks as much as like
a science experimentCopy !req
203. as me jacking off looks like
modern interpretive dance.Copy !req
204. Crumble isn't as crazy as you think.Copy !req
205. I'm baked in secret herbs and spices.Copy !req
206. Her old self is in there,
and she wants to get out.Copy !req
207. Maybe if she looked more like a person,
instead of—Copy !req
208. - A sentient hairball?
- A pizza-stealing rat!Copy !req
209. Belly button fuzz!Copy !req
210. A moldy peach that grew more mold.Copy !req
211. King Kong's sweaty taint.Copy !req
212. Steve Harvey's mustache!Copy !req
213. If she looked more like herself,Copy !req
214. her personality might re-emerge.Copy !req
215. Didn't your mom teach you
how to brush your hairCopy !req
216. or apply moisturizer
to protect your alabaster skin?Copy !req
217. Not exactly a girly girl.Copy !req
218. Okay, give me the brush.Copy !req
219. Oh, yeah, right.Copy !req
220. You just wanna shiv us
so you can take the mall back.Copy !req
221. Settle down. I just want to help, okay?Copy !req
222. The ladies used to call me
Jacques Cousteau at my aunt's salon.Copy !req
223. I was the only one brave enough
to venture into the dark depthsCopy !req
224. where most men fear to thread.Copy !req
225. You need me.Copy !req
226. Survey says...Copy !req
227. Fuck with me, little man,Copy !req
228. and I will fry your pubes
with 5,000 volts.Copy !req
229. Move.Copy !req
230. Second left molar?Copy !req
231. Nice craftsmanship
on the porcelain ceramic filling.Copy !req
232. Your dad taught you a lot?Copy !req
233. A thing or two.Copy !req
234. It was knocked out by Triumph.Copy !req
235. You don't know that.Copy !req
236. I only know one dude in school
with a size-14 shoe,Copy !req
237. 'cause I licked it.Copy !req
238. Hoyles.Copy !req
239. He went east toward San Fernando.Copy !req
240. You're like a Canadian Wolverine.Copy !req
241. Wolverine is a Canadian Wolverine.Copy !req
242. I hunted elk every summer.Copy !req
243. Your dad taught you a lot.Copy !req
244. A thing or two.Copy !req
245. You can track, but you can't fight.Copy !req
246. I think I'll manage.Copy !req
247. It's easy to hack and slash.Copy !req
248. Every eight-year-old with a broom
thinks they're a Jedi.Copy !req
249. The reason you can't wield a blade
isn't for a missing finger.Copy !req
250. It's because you're full of rage.Copy !req
251. Being a swordsman is about control.Copy !req
252. Every stroke has intention, thought,Copy !req
253. knowing that a single swipe
could sever a man from his own life.Copy !req
254. Are you really giving me
the killing-changes-you speech?Copy !req
255. Clichés are tropes 'cause they're true.Copy !req
256. Angelica told me you ran with the Jocks.Copy !req
257. What did Turbo make you do?Copy !req
258. Why won't you talk about it?Copy !req
259. It's not who I am anymore.Copy !req
260. If you had the chance to kill Turbo...Copy !req
261. would you?Copy !req
262. If Josh is going to try to kill Triumph,Copy !req
263. then you protect him.Copy !req
264. Take him on a wild-goose chase.Copy !req
265. Run!Copy !req
266. - What?
- Run!Copy !req
267. Okay.Copy !req
268. No, Josh, over here.
This way, Josh!Copy !req
269. Keep up, man. Keep up!Copy !req
270. Ghoulies, Ghoulies. Don't engage!Copy !req
271. Josh, do not engage. I repeat.Copy !req
272. - Get under the car. They're coming.
- Dude, I don't see anybody.Copy !req
273. That's the whole point.
Get under the car!Copy !req
274. Time to go.
Get out from under the car.Copy !req
275. Wesley, what are you saying?
We just got under the car.Copy !req
276. Let's go. Go, go, go.Copy !req
277. Dude.Copy !req
278. What the hell?Copy !req
279. Dude, there's nobody after us.Copy !req
280. I had the Baron's trail,
and now I'm all lost.Copy !req
281. Why did you do that?Copy !req
282. Go, go, go!Copy !req
283. Stop, stop, stop! Right here.Copy !req
284. Stop.Copy !req
285. Nice drift, man.Copy !req
286. Remember us, Just Josh?Copy !req
287. I remember there being more of you.Copy !req
288. - We're downsizing.
- Yeah, but not by choice, by circumstance.Copy !req
289. That circumstance being death.Copy !req
290. We are currently accepting applications
for new membership.Copy !req
291. Oh? Not interested.Copy !req
292. Not talking to you.
We'll deal with you next.Copy !req
293. - What say you, Fists?
- You ready to come home?Copy !req
294. Listen to fate. Gary, Barry, Larry...
Wesley.Copy !req
295. - Doesn't fit the rhyme.
- There's a Y at the end.Copy !req
296. - Meh, it's kind of a stretch.
- Close enough for Armageddon.Copy !req
297. Three is not a team.
Four can play Spades.Copy !req
298. Just because you have balls,
doesn't make golf a sport.Copy !req
299. Gotta start somewhere to earn your way
back into his good graces.Copy !req
300. He says he wants to fight.Copy !req
301. Man to man.Copy !req
302. No weapons.Copy !req
303. To the death.Copy !req
304. You got all that from a look?Copy !req
305. I speak Turbo.Copy !req
306. What did I even do?Copy !req
307. - He said he doesn't like to lose.Copy !req
308. This isn't Mario Kart.Copy !req
309. You tried to capture us.Copy !req
310. We got away.Copy !req
311. Who cares?Copy !req
312. God, this is...
There is no your side or my side.Copy !req
313. Hoyles is out there
trying to kill all sides.Copy !req
314. He's killed our friends.Copy !req
315. I'll be your friend.Copy !req
316. I love you.Copy !req
317. Let's be besties.Copy !req
318. It's a Mr. Bearman.Copy !req
319. I used to have one of these
when I was a kid.Copy !req
320. Mine was named David!Copy !req
321. They had their names stitched
on their butts.Copy !req
322. What's your name, guy?Copy !req
323. Huh? Yeah.Copy !req
324. Larry, put the bear down!Copy !req
325. I'll be your friend.Copy !req
326. I love you.Copy !req
327. Get the fuck out of here!Copy !req
328. Jaden Hoyles needed discipline.Copy !req
329. But he wasn't the only one.Copy !req
330. I took the bribe.Copy !req
331. I had a budget shortfall that I could fix
by pushing up one D to a C-minus.Copy !req
332. Everyone wins.Copy !req
333. A victimless crime.Copy !req
334. Oh! Whoa!Copy !req
335. Oh...Copy !req
336. Oh, now. Careful. Careful there.Copy !req
337. Hi.Copy !req
338. I am walking through all 13 chambers
of a cockroach heart right now.Copy !req
339. What's that like?Copy !req
340. Uh... Nicer than my shitty condo.Copy !req
341. Oh, wow.Copy !req
342. You could lose yourself in here.Copy !req
343. This is gonna change the way
we teach biology.Copy !req
344. I don't know how you got this, but I...Copy !req
345. Hoyles acted like
he could get away with anything...Copy !req
346. because he could.Copy !req
347. Suck it, losers!Copy !req
348. If I wrote him up on any infraction,Copy !req
349. he'd tell everyone I took a bribe.Copy !req
350. I sold my soul to save the school.Copy !req
351. Hi. Okay, so...Copy !req
352. Fuck, Hoyles!Copy !req
353. God...Copy !req
354. You have to stop Hoyles.Copy !req
355. Do you even know what he's doing
with Isis?Copy !req
356. - Hoyles is in ISIS?
- Not the terrorist group.Copy !req
357. Isis, the unfortunately named sophomore,Copy !req
358. who's fucking Hoyles in the bathroom.Copy !req
359. Look, you asked me to be
your human Sorting HatCopy !req
360. to help you and the school, and I did.Copy !req
361. I know everyone.Copy !req
362. I made a video to show
how awesome they are,Copy !req
363. and now I have a million subscribers.Copy !req
364. I get tweets everyday asking me why
Principal Burr isn't stopping the bully.Copy !req
365. So?Copy !req
366. Why aren't you?Copy !req
367. You know how I got this pencil?Copy !req
368. I don't know. Did you...Copy !req
369. buy it at Staples?Copy !req
370. To get this pencil,Copy !req
371. I have to complete budgetary requisition
Form 18B-234.Copy !req
372. Great.Copy !req
373. That form is then sent to a school board
sub-committee for review.Copy !req
374. The board will deny several items
and therefore invalidate the request.Copy !req
375. I then have to revise Form 18B-234Copy !req
376. and resubmit the amended requisition.Copy !req
377. Once the board approves the request,Copy !req
378. - I still don't get my pencil.
- Copy.Copy !req
379. I have to send the form to admin.Copy !req
380. Admin gets hundreds of forms a dayCopy !req
381. from 900 schools across the district.Copy !req
382. It takes them weeks to purchase,Copy !req
383. and when they do, their budget
for the year has already been spent.Copy !req
384. And so, my simple request
for a pencil has been denied.Copy !req
385. Yeah, you're right.Copy !req
386. I bought this pencil at Staples
with my own money.Copy !req
387. You think I'm not fighting,
but I'm doing what's best for you kids.Copy !req
388. Thank you?Copy !req
389. Glad I came in.Copy !req
390. Psst.Copy !req
391. Psst.Copy !req
392. Pucker, pucker.Copy !req
393. Good. No, no, no, don't— don't eat it.Copy !req
394. Stay still.Copy !req
395. I'm a crisp autumn morning.Copy !req
396. - Yeah.
- Girl talk or crazy talk?Copy !req
397. No. She's right.Copy !req
398. She's an autumn.Copy !req
399. Let me see.Copy !req
400. Wow, perfecto.Copy !req
401. Muy bueno, huh?Copy !req
402. Huh? You likey? You likey?Copy !req
403. Uh, okay. No, um...Copy !req
404. Maybe don't... Don't smile.Copy !req
405. I thought you might like one of these.Copy !req
406. Why don't you try them on?Copy !req
407. Your turn. Your ends are so split
they need a divorce attorney.Copy !req
408. You know you wanna.Copy !req
409. For someone who knows so much,Copy !req
410. you know absolutely dick about beauty.Copy !req
411. I had tutors in moral relativism
and molecular chemistry.Copy !req
412. My mom had high expectations for me.Copy !req
413. Hmm. My mom made me scrape her bunions.Copy !req
414. At least you got to be with her.Copy !req
415. Dr. Winifred Green is head
of Marine Sciences at Caltech.Copy !req
416. She didn't really have time for manis,
or pedis, or... me.Copy !req
417. Aww. Poor baby.Copy !req
418. Did you ask her?Copy !req
419. Well, that would be reasonable.Copy !req
420. But as my therapist often said,Copy !req
421. I was prone to fits of illogical
and abnormal behavior.Copy !req
422. - You?
- I know, right?Copy !req
423. My mom made sure
I knew the scientific method.Copy !req
424. Present a hypothesis,Copy !req
425. test with an experiment,Copy !req
426. draw a conclusion.Copy !req
427. - So I did that.
- Hmm.Copy !req
428. Well, what was the hypothesis?Copy !req
429. If my mom didn't have a job,Copy !req
430. she would make more time for me.Copy !req
431. What was the experiment?Copy !req
432. I secretly played her subliminal tapes
with previously published worksCopy !req
433. on magmatic effects on biodiversity
in Arctic waters.Copy !req
434. My hope was that she would think
the ideas were her own,Copy !req
435. and then she would get fired
for plagiarism.Copy !req
436. - Was she axed?
- Nope.Copy !req
437. She got a grant to explore
the South China Sea with the U.S. Navy...Copy !req
438. and she took it.Copy !req
439. The conclusion to my experiment
was painfully clear.Copy !req
440. My mom would rather be
in a nuclear submarineCopy !req
441. at the bottom of the ocean...Copy !req
442. than spend another minute with me.Copy !req
443. The night the bombs fell,Copy !req
444. Dr. Green was 3,000 feet underwater.Copy !req
445. She's still there...Copy !req
446. for now... I hope my mom is fine...Copy !req
447. and safe.Copy !req
448. But as soon as that submarine surfaces,Copy !req
449. whatever affected the adults...Copy !req
450. will turn my mom
into something like Ms. Crumble.Copy !req
451. I need to help the Witch...Copy !req
452. so I can help my mom.Copy !req
453. Are you okay?Copy !req
454. Yes. Yeah.Copy !req
455. Shit.Copy !req
456. Shit.Copy !req
457. I didn't do it! It wasn't me.Copy !req
458. Thank you. Thank you so much.Copy !req
459. Ugh, damn it.Copy !req
460. Hurry, get me outta here.Copy !req
461. It's broken.Copy !req
462. Um...Copy !req
463. Where are the keys?Copy !req
464. What do you mean?Copy !req
465. Keys?Copy !req
466. What did she say? What did she—
I don't understand!Copy !req
467. Jesus!Copy !req
468. Hoyles?Copy !req
469. If you're not Triumph, then who is?Copy !req
470. Shh. Shut the fuck up. Shut up.Copy !req
471. Hi, Josh.Copy !req
472. How are you even alive?Copy !req
473. How are you Baron Triumph?Copy !req
474. What do you want?Copy !req
475. Oh, your parents really donate
the finest equipment.Copy !req
476. Where is everyone?Copy !req
477. Uh, I asked for some privacy.Copy !req
478. I wanted you to be the first to see
a plaque honoring your family legacy.Copy !req
479. Is this a fucking joke?Copy !req
480. Oh, I've been wanting to get rid of you
for years,Copy !req
481. but you can't expel a student
for being an asshole.Copy !req
482. I needed to have a perfect plan.Copy !req
483. It started when your dad
offered me that bribe.Copy !req
484. I set you up when I strenuously
turned down his offer.Copy !req
485. So that when I did accept the money,Copy !req
486. you would think you had leverage,Copy !req
487. and you would blatantly act out.Copy !req
488. When I didn't stop you,
you just got bolder,Copy !req
489. and bolder, and bolder.Copy !req
490. Isis is 15. You're a lot older.Copy !req
491. Hey... No, no, no.
That shit was consexual.Copy !req
492. Consensual.Copy !req
493. Yes, but sex with an underage girlCopy !req
494. is a lot more than a minor infraction,
Mr. Hoyles.Copy !req
495. It's a major felony.Copy !req
496. What do you want?Copy !req
497. I want you to gobble up my shit.Copy !req
498. Fine.Copy !req
499. No, no.Copy !req
500. No, you have to say the line.Copy !req
501. Say it.Copy !req
502. Go ahead. Say it. Say the line.Copy !req
503. Gobble up my shit, JJ.Copy !req
504. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
505. Oh, you can do better than that.Copy !req
506. Gobble up my shit, JJ.Copy !req
507. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
508. Come on, one more time.
Gobble up my shit, JJ.Copy !req
509. Mmm-hmm!Copy !req
510. Ah, yeah.Copy !req
511. Pretty good.Copy !req
512. - But you said I—
- Yeah, I know. I just...Copy !req
513. I just really, really wanted
to hear you beg.Copy !req
514. This is bullshit, Burr!Copy !req
515. Look, I'm gonna tell my dad.Copy !req
516. He's gonna kick the shit outta you.Copy !req
517. You messed with the wrong fucking family!Copy !req
518. It's cold.Copy !req
519. I'm gonna make some tea.Copy !req
520. You're Baron Triumph?Copy !req
521. That doesn't mean I'm uncivilized.Copy !req
522. You like osso buco, Josh?Copy !req
523. There's a recipe I've been dying to try.Copy !req
524. So, Josh...Copy !req
525. Josh, you survived the apocalypse.
Good for you.Copy !req
526. I told your mother when I saw her
at back-to-school night.Copy !req
527. "There's something special
about Josh Wheeler."Copy !req
528. Even if you did get C's
in just about everything.Copy !req
529. I never write anybody off.Copy !req
530. No, no, it's the underachieversCopy !req
531. who continually surprise me.Copy !req
532. Look what you've overcome, Josh.Copy !req
533. You're dealing with
an incapacitating injury.Copy !req
534. You're now a person with a disability.Copy !req
535. We say person with a disability,
not a handicap.Copy !req
536. It's all about
positive self-identification.Copy !req
537. I, for example, now self-define
as a compulsive bi-pedophiliac.Copy !req
538. - You mean you eat people.
- Hoyles isn't a person.Copy !req
539. He's a taco.Copy !req
540. Human flesh has
more protein than a glass of milk.Copy !req
541. Eating kids makes me strong.Copy !req
542. And I'll turn Hoyles
into what he really is.Copy !req
543. Little pieces of shit.Copy !req
544. Hurry up, Wheeler!
Hurry up, he's coming back.Copy !req
545. Just help me get the keys.Copy !req
546. My fucking eyes. That really hurt.Copy !req
547. Fuck that! Hoyles out!Copy !req
548. Asshole!Copy !req
549. Uh...Copy !req
550. I've been marinating Hoyles for days.Copy !req
551. I guess I can have
Josh carpaccio instead.Copy !req
552. Josh?Copy !req
553. Come out, come out wherever you are.Copy !req
554. Don't ask the guards for help.
They don't speak English.Copy !req
555. That's why I use exchange students.Copy !req
556. You can't help each other
if you don't understand each other.Copy !req
557. You're the principal.Copy !req
558. I thought you said kids
were like wildflowers.Copy !req
559. Yeah. Yes, I was right,
but for the wrong reasons.Copy !req
560. The lesson is wildflowers are invasive.Copy !req
561. They spread everywhere,
damaging everything.Copy !req
562. Adults blew up the world. Not us!Copy !req
563. Yeah.Copy !req
564. Yeah, you survived.Copy !req
565. You could've done anything,Copy !req
566. but all the adults leave,
and what happens?Copy !req
567. You go all Fortnite and kill each other.Copy !req
568. You're such dicks.Copy !req
569. No, not Sam.Copy !req
570. Sam was decent and kind.Copy !req
571. Sam Dean was the worst.Copy !req
572. Sam would have grown up
to be a life coach...Copy !req
573. who sent Linkedln requests twice a week.Copy !req
574. You killed her,Copy !req
575. left her for dead.Copy !req
576. I didn't kill Sam.Copy !req
577. Well, if you didn't kill her,
then who did?Copy !req
578. My point exactly, Josh.Copy !req
579. You're all assholes.Copy !req
580. It took Jaden Hoyles
to show me the truth.Copy !req
581. I've wasted my entire life.Copy !req
582. Twenty-two years being kind
and supportive.Copy !req
583. Twenty-two years of buying pencils
out of my own paycheck.Copy !req
584. Twenty-two years teaching you kidsCopy !req
585. to be upstanding students of the world.Copy !req
586. You learned nothing!Copy !req
587. You're all Hoyles on the inside.Copy !req
588. Completely immoral,Copy !req
589. full of gross cereal.Copy !req
590. So I'm gonna stuff you.
I'm gonna stuff you like foie gras,Copy !req
591. and then I'm gonna gobble you all up.Copy !req
592. Mmm-hmm!Copy !req
593. You love kids.Copy !req
594. There must be a part of you
that still remembers that.Copy !req
595. Don't Darth Vader me.Copy !req
596. I'm not your father.Copy !req
597. I'm changing.Copy !req
598. With every bite, I want more.Copy !req
599. I'm changing. I don't know into what,
but I...Copy !req
600. I like it.Copy !req
601. Kill him! Kill him!Copy !req
602. Kill him!Copy !req
603. You missed.Copy !req
604. No...Copy !req
605. I didn't.Copy !req
606. Fucking go!Copy !req
607. Let's go!Copy !req
608. You're a monster.Copy !req
609. Go away.Copy !req
610. You're a monster.Copy !req
611. - Stop.
- You're a monster.Copy !req
612. - Go away.
- You're a monster.Copy !req
613. You're a monster.Copy !req
614. - You're a monster.
- Stop it, please!Copy !req
615. - You're a monster!
- Stop!Copy !req
616. What are you doing?Copy !req
617. Stop!Copy !req
618. What?Copy !req
619. Let's be monsters.Copy !req
620. Yeah.Copy !req
621. Yeah, let's be monsters.Copy !req
622. Hey, we're home!Copy !req
623. So I brought some friends.Copy !req
624. Cool if they crash here?Copy !req
625. Fuck to the no.
How many times do I gotta say—Copy !req
626. Yeah. It's cool, I guess.Copy !req
627. My name is Michael Francis Xavier Burr,Copy !req
628. and I was principal at Glendale High
for 22 years.Copy !req
629. I helped my students,Copy !req
630. like flowers,
grow into their best selves.Copy !req
631. All the flowers are gone,Copy !req
632. but today I inspired one kid
to be better...Copy !req
633. to find his true self.Copy !req
634. In this apocalypse,Copy !req
635. we all have to stare in the mirrorCopy !req
636. and admit we are not the people
we thought we were.Copy !req
637. We are not good.Copy !req
638. We have terrible secrets.Copy !req
639. And those secrets eat us up from insideCopy !req
640. and turn us into monsters.Copy !req