DAVE 3x8

1. Oh, my God. - Is this garlic hummus?

2. I like it. - Should we, like, switch

3. to tahini, or... ketchup?

4. I think we should, like, uh,

5. abandon all condiment-based hand jobs just for a moment.

6. - You could be right. I don't know. - We can reconfigure,

7. come up with something new fun to do.

8. What do you want to do next?

9. Uh, wash my hand?

10. Right this way.

11. - Yeah. - You think you know my home, right?

12. - I think I do. - You think you know me.

13. You think you know what I stand for?

14. - Where you going? - Turns out you don't know anything

15. about my home.

16. Shut up!

17. Turns out... I'm a little bit of a mystery.

18. As is this secret passageway.

19. This is so much cooler than a hummus hand job.

20. I got her right here.

21. Yup. I have her. I have... Huh.

22. No, I got her. She's a half-white,

23. - half-Chinese Jezebel. - (laughs)

24. Beautiful. Yup, got her.

25. Really dainty tattoos. Yeah.

26. I don't know what to do with my body right now.

27. Oh, you're doing all the right shit.

28. This is like The Notebook, but, like, way grittier

29. and way less idealized.

30. Is she gonna actually see this footage?

31. - Who's she? - Oh. Emma.

32. Oh, I don't know. She just left this here.

33. Look at you.

34. You know, The Notebook is such a basic...

35. You're basic for saying

36. - The Notebook is basic. - You're better than that?

37. No, you're just a contrarian, you know?

38. Come here. I'm gonna shut you up.

39. Oh, what the fuck is this?

40. What?

41. That's my bear mace.

42. - Your bear mace? - Mm-hmm.

43. (laughs): To be fair,

44. that was supposed to go next to the bed.

45. Yeah, look, we'll put it in the closet,

46. 'cause things like this don't belong out in the...

47. - This is not how we do it in Los Angeles, okay? - Good call, Captain.

48. Yeah. And I'm not above what I preach, you know?

49. We can't have crossbows in the closet, either.

50. This was from tour. This will be moved.

51. - Oh, look at this. - (closet door closes)

52. - Is that my elephant? - Yes, he made a friend.

53. - Oh, wow. - Look.

54. Oh, which one is he? He's— Oh, he's the sturdy one.

55. You know that you don't actually own him, right?

56. You just— you finance his survival.

57. And one day, me and you are gonna go to Africa,

58. and we're gonna visit our boy.

59. - Stop. - Yeah, it's our son,

60. and we deserve to see him, and he deserves to see us.

61. You're such a good hands-on father.

62. - Oh, yeah? - We need more of you these days.

63. - Mamma mia. - (both laugh)

64. Will you go one day with me? - To Africa?

65. - Yeah. - Are you kidding? Mm.

66. Little bit of a phone call going on.

67. Oh, my God. Mike will not leave me the fuck alone.

68. What is it?

69. He wants me to get fitted for the Met Gala.

70. - Uh, I got invited, and I— - Wait, what?

71. - Yeah. - Wait, what?

72. - You're... - Oh, come on.

73. You got invited to the Met Gala?

74. (high- Yeah. Yeah.

75. Why are you so high-pitched?

76. - Yeah. Yeah. - That's crazy. Wait, that's huge.

77. I-I don't get wrapped up in this superficial

78. Hollywood pecking order bullshit anymore.

79. That's old me.

80. New me, way more into...

81. something like you.

82. Turns me on thinking of you walking up those steps

83. - with that ass. (laughs) - Yeah?

84. - Grab my ass. - Mm.

85. - I can't believe you're going. - I'm gonna grab your ass.

86. I mean, I asked him to take it down, but he won't.

87. So, this is Beau Newman's TikTok?

88. - Mm-hmm. - I'm so sorry, Delaney.

89. This stuff shouldn't happen, but it does,

90. because boys are the worst.

91. Well, there's actually one of you, too.

92. - Of me? - Yeah.

93. Man, Ms. Wernick, oh, my God.

94. Look at her titties.

95. I don't care how old she is, man.

96. I want to fuck her so bad.

97. They're popping while I bend her right over.

98. Beau!

99. Beau, need to speak with you.

100. Yeah, what can I do for you?

101. I just saw your TikTok.

102. - Dope. - Okay.

103. I need you to delete the video of me

104. and of any other faculty members or any other students.

105. Okay? Or you're taking it up with the principal.

106. Is that clear?

107. Yeah, you want me to delete it, Ms. Werdick?

108. - It's "Wernick," Beau. - Yeah, that's what I said.

109. Uh, Mrs. Werdick.

110. - I said it right, right? - (others laughing)

111. (laughing forcefully): You're so fucking funny.

112. Funny Beau who wants to bend me over a desk

113. and fuck me, right?

114. - Um... - Well, here I am.

115. Here are my big titties for the taking.

116. Right? Oh, you want to fuck me, Beau?

117. - You want to fuck me, Beau? Ms. Wernick?

118. My office. Now.

119. Al? Al? Al!

120. - Yes. Sorry. - Clock in.

121. You know I don't pick an outfit out without you.

122. Uh, sorry.

123. It's... it's amazing. (chuckles)

124. - It's the Met Gala we're talking here. - Yeah.

125. We need to make a splash, okay?

126. - Yes. Yes. - We need to do something big.

127. Like what Jack Harlow did.

128. Oh, my God. When he said "I love you"

129. to Emma Chamberlain on the red carpet, I freaked.

130. I recorded it, rewound it, recorded it, rewound it.

131. - I kept watching it ov— - What is the deal with this guy?

132. - Oh, my God. - I don't understand.

133. It just doesn't make sense to me.

134. It's like, he's tall, he's good-looking.

135. He makes Gen Z's pussy quiv. Who cares?

136. - Dave. Sounds like this guy cares a little bit.

137. This is my first reentry back into society

138. since the whole...

139. - You didn't hang yourself? Oh, no, not ha—

140. - Yeah, yeah. - You know b— Like, whatever.

141. Everyone's gonna be wondering, like,

142. what is he up to?

143. What's his next move?

144. Who is Lil Dicky 2.0?

145. Right?

146. Are we missing an opportunity to make

147. some kind of statement here?

148. You can bring attention to a-a cause,

149. - you know, that you care about. - A cause.

150. Use your platform for good.

151. I used to not care at all about what to care about.

152. Now I care about what to care about.

153. I just have no idea what to care about.

154. Ghosts.

155. Ghosts, it's ghosts. I'm sorry.

156. Right now? Right now, it's ghosts.

157. I've never encountered any sort of ghost issue.

158. Okay, then I'll fucking kill myself.

159. What about climate change?

160. - Climate change? - Hmm.

161. We have 11 years to stop the temperature

162. from rising 1.5 degrees Celsius,

163. and if we don't do that,

164. it will lead to catastrophic damage

165. that will lead to the destruction of the Earth's—

166. - Are you kidding? It is what it is.

167. How is no one talking about this?

168. People are talking about it. - Everybody's talking about this.

169. How is this not, like, leading SportsCenter every day?

170. Like, breaking news, we have ten years,

171. 364 days left, like we have...

172. Ooh, I love this for you.

173. Okay, yes, a look about climate change.

174. - Okay, okay, okay. Earth. - Save the Earth. Save the Earth.

175. - I have it. I can't tell you. What is it?

176. It's got to be a rush job.

177. - It's gonna cost you five times as much. - Five?

178. But it's gonna be good, and I really need this right now

179. - psychologically, like... - Al! Will you be in charge

180. of making sure that I use my platform for good?

181. - From here on out? - Wait, are you serious?

182. Yeah, I need someone to do that. Who better than you?

183. You're the moral compass of life for me.

184. Would you take that honor, or do you not have the bandwidth?

185. (chuckles): Ban— Bandwidth? Yeah. Yes!

186. I have bandwidth. I have bandwidth.

187. - Yeah? - Yes, yeah, please.

188. Great. Yes. Yeah.

189. CEO of morality.

190. Whoo!

191. Yeah. Okay, there we go.

192. - Don't scratch my baby. - No, I promise you I will not.

193. - All right. - (laughs)

194. All right.

195. - Aw... - All right, Moms.

196. - You want it back by 4:00 or 5:00? - Oh, it's all good.

197. Do what you got to do. I'm-a just get a ride from Elz.

198. Okay.

199. They really stole your shit straight out the driveway.

200. I can't believe they took the car.

201. The whole block is getting worse.

202. - It's getting tricky over there, Moms. - Yeah.

203. But don't you worry about me, baby.

204. You just focus up, okay?

205. They got me on this panel, just me.

206. - (laughs) - No LD.

207. - Can you believe that? - Yes, I can.

208. - I love you, baby. - All right, I love you, Moms.

209. You have— Mm. You have fun, okay?

210. Ey, pray for me now.

211. - Oh, child— Always. Whoo!

212. (laughs) Oh, shoot.

213. Oh, yeah, look at this here, bruh.

214. I'm about to get my William Shakespeare on

215. up in this motherfucker, bro.

216. Thanks for coming, dawg.

217. Of course. This is crazy.

218. This is like a real event.

219. I know, bro, they got stars coming out,

220. make a cameo and shit.

221. Dude, I didn't realize you were like

222. such a mental health expert.

223. What? (scoffs)

224. I'm about to win this shit, bro.

225. Gata, you know it's a panel.

226. There's no winners. There's just losers.

227. Bro, there's always room for some gander.

228. I'm Black and bipolar, bro, seriously.

229. - They need a real nigga out here like me giving perspective. - Do they?

230. What the fuck, dawg? I thought you was out here

231. - supporting me, bro. - I'm here to support you,

232. but I'm saying do they need "a real nigga" perspective?

233. Or do they just need a nigga up there, you know,

234. to fit in with all the white people.

235. I'm locked in for this shit, bro.

236. Cognitive dissonance. You hear that?

237. Cognitive dissonance.

238. Took me about a week to memorize that shit.

239. I'm about to go backstage.

240. All right, bro. Good lookin'.

241. - Hey, I'm-a win this shit, bro. - (exhales sharply)

242. Great call on the contact lenses, John-Paul.

243. I love this shit.

244. I feel like Bradley fucking Cooper.

245. Imagine someone walking down the red carpet

246. with brown eyes? (laughs)

247. - You look hot. - I'm gonna send

248. a little pic to Robyn. She's got the house to herself,

249. she might want to masturbate.

250. - (camera clicks) - Oh, Dave.

251. I didn't realize you had a girlfriend.

252. Eh... not my girlfriend.

253. Definitely a special person in my life right now.

254. But she lives in Wisconsin, and we're kind of like,

255. in this, like, experimental new phase of dating,

256. I suppose, but, uh...

257. I'd say it's like casual sex with, like, a fuckton of heart.

258. But you're thinking about her.

259. You're thinking about her all the time.

260. Even when you're not with her, right?

261. Eh, I don't think about her at every moment, no. Should I?

262. I don't know, I feel like casual sex is awesome, right?

263. It's kind of like, like it's loose, it's hippie.

264. It's freeing, you know?

265. I mean, the specificity in which they make love,

266. it's more than that, it's uniquely intimate.

267. It's almost primal in its execution.

268. What the fuck are you talking about?

269. It's such standard fare with me and her.

270. It's like, missionary, girl on top.

271. It's good. I mean, sometimes we sweat.

272. That's emotional. That's a connection.

273. There's something deeper.

274. I look her in the eyes.

275. - And that means a lot. - I haven't looked anyone

276. in the eyes before when-when I fucked.

277. We're the only animals on earth that do that,

278. other than bonobos and gorillas.

279. - A bonobo? - Mm-hmm. Like the pants.

280. You think she's sitting over there, like, thinking,

281. "When's the day he's gonna ask me to be his girlfriend?"

282. Well, ma— or-or wife.

283. Whatever. I can't really focus on that right now.

284. There's too much potential energy in the Big Apple.

285. Look at this. I'm getting fucking dolled up

286. for the Met Gala.

287. This is your new beginning, a new birth for you.

288. - This is a big moment for my rebrand, and... Huge.

289. - Dave. Yeah?

290. - Dave, my sexy boy. - Yeah?

291. It's time to see the suit.

292. - (groans) - I haven't slept in three days,

293. - but we got this all figured out. - Show me.

294. - Okay. Well, you wanted big. - Yeah.

295. I can give you bigger than you've ever seen, baby.

296. - Okay. - Okay, so,

297. here we have you.

298. You're walking down the red carpet.

299. You're looking cutie, you're looking sexy,

300. - you're looking gorg-eanica, you're slaying. - Well animated, yeah.

301. But is that all it is?

302. No. Not in John-Paul's world.

303. I don't do shit like that.

304. So, you're gonna get to your trigger point.

305. - Trigger point? - And you're going to yank on this chain,

306. which is gonna be in the back

307. attached to the accelerator that will fire up,

308. and then you're gonna inflate.

309. Holy shit.

310. Big. The world. So... okay.

311. - You're. The. Globe. - The globe, yeah.

312. - Yes. Yes. Yes. - Very cool conceptually.

313. So, big enough to where it's knocking all that...

314. We're talking 40 feet.

315. It's gonna take up the whole entire space.

316. So if I was here, and I pulled the thing,

317. and like, he was here, he would...

318. Not quite like a bomb, but somewhere in the middle.

319. - Like an airbag? - Yeah, don't say "bomb."

320. - Like an airbag, exactly, yeah. - Oh.

321. - Don't say "bomb" to the press. Don't say "bomb."

322. It looks like it's gonna hurt a-a little bit.

323. - Yeah. - For a few people.

324. It would hurt more if the world wasn't saved.

325. - Yeah. - Dave, I just need you to know

326. that you're gonna get permanently banned.

327. So? You think I give a shit about...

328. He does not give a shit.

329. the Met Gala and all these goddamn celebrities?

330. The world is exploding!

331. - Yeah. - Or... ending or you know...

332. Whew! Oh, my God, we're gonna be, like, the most...

333. talked-about people in the world.

334. - In the world. Yeah. - But for the world.

335. What are you wearing, Emma?

336. It's Versace.

337. Oh, my God, it's fabulous.

338. Megan! Megan! Oh, my God!

339. - You're so hot! Megan!

340. Megan, how?

341. MGK! MGK!

342. You got to have a huge cock, right?

343. Uh...

344. - Okay. - How big is it?

345. The people need to know.

346. Oh, shit.

347. Are you Lil Dicky?

348. Don.

349. - Hi. - (laughs) Oh, man!

350. - What's up, man? - Man...

351. - Nothing much. - Oh, I'm a fan, bro.

352. Yeah?

353. Man, I got to tell you, that death shit? Dope.

354. Oh, it was, uh, you know, no. I mean, yeah, but no.

355. - It wasn't like that. - Don't let anybody steal your thunder. It was amazing.

356. - Yeah, oh... - Okay. You're amazing.

357. Look, I got to go in here and do my thing, but, uh,

358. you want to hook up later?

359. I'm meeting Denzel in there and we can, like,

360. smoke a J and just get fucking crazy.

361. - It's the Met Gala, right? - Smoke a joint with you and Denzel Washington?

362. - Yeah, man, you with it? - Uh, yeah, yeah.

363. - All right, Lil Dicky, good to meet you, bro-bro. - You, too, Don Cheadle, bro-bro.

364. - Stay up, bro. - (crowd clamoring)

365. Don! What's next for you?

366. Uh, you know, some Marvel shit.

367. Who are you?

368. You faked your death, man!

369. Who are you now?

370. Hey, Dave, are you dead or alive?

371. - Over here! This way! - (shouting, clamoring)

372. We have 11 years to not make it...

373. No, we have 11 years left

374. to make the world not be 1.5 degrees Celsius...

375. more temperature-wise...

376. but can't go over the...

377. or it's irreversi—

378. - Um... - (shouting, clamoring)

379. Right this way, Jack!

380. Oh, my contact!

381. Oh! (grunts)

382. Can we pause for the contact?

383. Goddamn it. Do you see it?

384. He can wait his turn!

385. He'll wait his turn!

386. (muttering): Fuck it. Fuck. Fuck.

387. As I was saying,

388. if we don't get our shit together right now as a world,

389. we'll never do what we need to do to...

390. L-Deezy! What the fuck, man?

391. This blunt ain't gonna smoke itself. You in or what?

392. What's happening?

393. Let's go!

394. Please take your seats.

395. Certainly are the beautiful people.

396. (groans) Goddamn it.

397. Welcome...

398. to the Met Gala.

399. You are all here because you are

400. the elite, but...

401. who is...

402. most?

403. Look around.

404. Who do you despise?

405. Who is your rival?

406. Tonight we shall find out.

407. Olaf!

408. The ball!

409. There is only one Met Ball.

410. - (gong clanging) - First up,

411. Travis Barker.

412. - Oh, shit. And...

413. Finneas!

414. - Who is that? - Billie Eilish's brother.

415. (whispers): Who's Finneas?

416. You fucking idiots.

417. Just a little prank we play for the first years.

418. Yeah, we just get fucked up and have a good time.

419. Yeah! Fuck yeah!

420. Enjoy yourselves.

421. Everything's free.

422. This dude really fucking believed that shit.

423. I mean, what world are you living in, dawg?

424. Uh, hey, youngin.

425. I'm living in the world that's only got 11 years left

426. unless we make the three and a half de—

427. or two and a half degrees Celsius not reach

428. that point. What world are you living in?

429. One that's TikTok-based?

430. My name's Jack. What's your name?

431. What's your name?

432. Like, my legal government name?

433. 'Cause I know you know my artist name.

434. The whole reason that you're even here

435. - is because I came first. - Mm.

436. Look at how you've modeled your whole physicality.

437. I mean, surely you must hear it a lot.

438. I do know who you are, and you're actually...

439. the worst thing that's ever happened to my career.

440. Hard to compete.

441. You know, just being associated with you at all is...

442. it's tough. I can't lie, but...

443. I get through it, as you can see.

444. It's hard to be associated with this level...

445. of art.

446. It's a breeze at the end of the day.

447. - (both laugh) - Don't touch.

448. You can look, but you can't touch.

449. I'd rather touch almost.

450. I'll give it to you, you got hot.

451. Some people want to be hot, some people don't, I get it.

452. "Ooh, I put earrings in."

453. If I wore those, I'd look like a woman.

454. - (sniffing) - What are you doing?

455. Mmm.

456. You stink, bitch.

457. I like that.

458. (scoffs) Got beef?

459. 'Cause I got a whole slab.

460. Pussy.

461. Okay.

462. "Slab"?

463. Thank you all so much for joining us here today.

464. So, Demi, tell us, where do you stand

465. on the media's portrayal of mental health?

466. Well, look, I've made my fair share of mistakes.

467. And I love you, media,

468. but you love to tear us down.

469. Still if you've got a platform,

470. you have to stay open,

471. keep yourself accountable, you know what I mean?

472. I agree, you got to put your shit out there

473. - every day. - Wait, we can curse?

474. I want a do-over.

475. Oh, yeah, you a fool, Demi Lovato.

476. And you got a cold-ass falsetto, but...

477. that's what it's about though, you know? Share your pain,

478. and somebody else will share theirs, too.

479. Lot of people connect with me, honestly,

480. 'cause I am bipolar.

481. Oh, me, too.

482. I feel you on that.

483. I think it's about staying true to your feelings.

484. For me, at least. You know,

485. when I was younger, things were a little confusing.

486. I had to understand my gender identity,

487. my sexuality...

488. Sexuality? Oof!

489. That shit got me going crazy.

490. Did y'all know that I'm a sex addict, too?

491. Check this story out.

492. One time, I was in my car, bored as hell,

493. so I, you know, slide in a chick's DM,

494. tell her to come through, she pull up,

495. whoop-deep-whoop, yada, yada, yada.

496. But she didn't look nothing like her pictures though.

497. That's when I realized

498. I got sucked by a fat bitch just to feel something.

499. And after I bust, I'm like, "Damn.

500. Nigga really got a problem."

501. What the fuck is Gata talking about

502. in front of all these white people?

503. Hey, do you, do you know him?

504. Uh, unfortunately.

505. Aw, man, your friend is awesome.

506. Uh, my name's Ted Shunim.

507. - I make reality TV. - Elz.

508. I've got this new show.

509. It's a mental health show called Nut Haus.

510. He would be great.

511. I mean, you could talk to Gata.

512. He'd do anything to be famous at this point.

513. What, I'm supposed to be up here keeping it real, right?

514. No need to whisper.

515. - Right. - (audience murmuring)

516. And, um...

517. uh, Mr. Steer, you've talked about—

518. And I never met my dad.

519. And I call my aunt my mom because she raised me.

520. Oh.

521. That shit kills me every day. - Mm.

522. I'm not gonna allow y'all to sit up here and judge me.

523. Only God can judge me.

524. That's cognitive dissonance.

525. - That's beautiful. - (applause)

526. Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

527. He's gonna be famous.

528. I want to save the Earth, too, Al, I really do,

529. but, like, Don Cheadle's here, Harlow— (stammers)

530. It's like, it's a lot. It's an overwhelming situation.

531. Look, it's not a lost cause.

532. Because the most visible picture at this thing

533. is always the bathroom selfie.

534. I have no idea what that means. What is the bathroom selfie?

535. Every year the coolest celebs

536. go to the bathroom at the same time

537. - and take a selfie. - (sighs)

538. You've got to find out when they're doing it,

539. get in there and pull that cord.

540. Well, how does it, how do I do that?

541. - I don't know how that fucking shit works. - Um...

542. excuse me, do you, do you mind if I, um...

543. just, uh, plug in here?

544. Thanks, Olaf, bye.

545. - Is that okay? Okay. - Yeah.

546. - Thank you. Sorry. - Yeah, take a seat.

547. There's, like, one outlet in this whole place.

548. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah, I could use a seat.

549. - Whew! - Whew.

550. Oh, that feels better.

551. You okay?

552. Yeah, just...

553. - can't see anything with this thing on. - Oh, yeah.

554. I'm Rachel.

555. - Hi, Rachel. - Hi.

556. I'm Dave. Nice to meet you.

557. Dave, nice to meet you.

558. You having fun?

559. Uh, not particularly.

560. - (laughs): No. - To be frank with you, no.

561. It's my first Met Gala, and it's just not going

562. anywhere close to how I envisioned it.

563. Hey, honestly, these things really stress me out.

564. - Yeah? - I only came, my publicist forced me,

565. so I could promote my next movie.

566. Well, if it makes you feel any better,

567. I will go see that movie.

568. So the promotion actually worked.

569. Tell your publicist you've got one customer locked in

570. to go see that new film.

571. - All right, I will... - Yeah.

572. - I'm gonna let her know, thank you. - Yeah.

573. My publicist made me come here, too.

574. - Really? - Yeah, I've got a publicist, as well.

575. What do you do, Dave?

576. I'm a rapper.

577. - Yeah. - A rapper?

578. - Cool, right? - Very.

579. - Yeah. - So, like, you could write a rap about us

580. meeting like losers on the ground.

581. Couple of people chitchatting, sitting Indian style.

582. I would knock it out of the park.

583. I'm really bummed that you're not having fun

584. - at your first Met Ball. - Uh, well...

585. What can we do to turn that around?

586. How can we make it better?

587. I mean, do you know anything

588. about this bathroom selfie thing?

589. I feel so lame asking that.

590. No, don't feel lame.

591. I felt the exact same way.

592. You just need someone to get the ball rolling.

593. - Okay. - So I'm gonna corral everybody up.

594. And you're gonna go to the bathroom.

595. Everyone comes in, and it's gonna down just like that.

596. You really have that kind of influence, huh?

597. I got them eating out of the palm of my hand.

598. - Yum, yum, yum. - Ah!

599. - Are you gonna be in this picture with me? - No, God no.

600. No, no, no. I don't take pictures in bathrooms anymore.

601. The elephant in the room is, like, getting up is gonna be,

602. like, borderline impossible in this outfit.

603. - Really? - Yeah, will you help me up?

604. I can't.

605. I was hoping you would help me.

606. Ah, let's combine...

607. - the inertia of... - Where are our publicists?

608. I know. Here, we can...

609. if we just... (grunts)

610. - (screams) - I got you.

611. - Sorry, sorry. Yes, I'm up. - You okay?

612. - (laughs) - Should we do the plan now?

613. Yes.

614. - Okay, copy you. - Okay.

615. - Copying that. - Rachel's on the move.

616. - Roger, you. - I'm gonna go to the bathroom downstairs.

617. - Okay, yes. - Across the hall.

618. - Go get 'em, tiger. - Third door. Okay.

619. No, that's what I'm saying, I just did it a couple hours ago.

620. Just handle it, please. Jesus Christ.

621. So I need you to get in there and—

622. Hang on a second.

623. Okay, yeah.

624. I need somebody to get in there and get rid of it, okay?

625. Get it out of there before it opens tomorrow.

626. Yeah, big red letters right by the crown.

627. Yeah, on the inside, Carla, you think

628. I scaled the outside of the fucking Statue of Liberty?

629. No, you don't yell at me, okay?

630. This is your fucking job!

631. It's what I pay you for.

632. Why do you need to know what it says?

633. It doesn't matter what it sa—

634. It says "fuck white people," okay?

635. Just get—

636. No, I wasn't on fentanyl again. Jesus Christ.

637. (whispers): "Fentanyl"?

638. Fuck.

639. - (overlapping conversations) - You crushed it out there. - Thank you.

640. - So I'm saying it's like, it's like pickleball. - Yeah.

641. - But it's better than pickleball. - Okay.

642. Because you can, you don't have to be dressed.

643. - Right, that's true. - Exactly.

644. Dude, this has become my favorite part.

645. - Let's do the selfie. - Up yours.

646. Man, that food sucked.

647. Whoo! We look good, baby.

648. - Let's do it. - (toilet flushes)

649. - Selfie time? - What the fuck?

650. Whoa.

651. No?

652. Wait... (chuckles)

653. Are we doing the bathroom selfie, no?

654. Were you waiting in the stall for the selfie?

655. - (laughter) No.

656. If you must know, I was taking a shit.

657. So...

658. - Ah. - Ew.

659. Shitting, he says.

660. It's fine, guys.

661. Yeah, uh...

662. I don't think this guy was taking a shit.

663. Wow.

664. And I'm from Kentucky, so I know shit.

665. - That's facts. - Yeah. - Yeah, he does.

666. What? What the fuck does that even mean?

667. Why would you lie about that? That's so lame.

668. I'm not lying.

669. Do you guys want to smell my asshole for proof?

670. - Uh, what do you want? - No, gross.

671. Ew! - I'm sorry. - Ugh.

672. Criticism aside, I owe you an apology from Germany.

673. I am sorry about what happened.

674. I don't blame you for the Holocaust just 'cause you're

675. - a tall Aryan guy. - That's not at all what I'm talking about.

676. I don't know what you're talking about.

677. I've never even been to Europe, dude.

678. Oh! You've never been to Europe?

679. - Wow. - Whoa. - Really?

680. Oh, God.

681. You would love Europe.

682. Okay, you don't know anything about me.

683. None of us do.

684. You guys, shut the fuck up, let's take

685. this fucking picture before I lose my mind.

686. Please, please.

687. - Let's do this. - Yeah.

688. Why don't you guys stand right next to me, no, stand

689. right next to me. Stand right next to me.

690. - Okay. Right here.

691. Yeah.

692. - Okay, remember... Okay. - You're gonna remember this shit forever.

693. - Whole world's gonna see this shit. All right.

694. All right, so, uh,

695. how about "we run this city" on three?

696. Nice!

697. All right, here we go. One,

698. (distorted): two...

699. three!

700. We run this city— - Wait, wait, wait, wait!

701. Sorry. (grunting) One more.

702. Oh, sorry.

703. You said you didn't want to be in the bathroom selfie.

704. Oh, well, well,

705. one more for old time's sake.

706. Does my hair look okay?

707. It looks perfect.

708. All right, all right, let's do this.

709. One, two, three.

710. We run this city!

711. - (camera clicking) - All right.

712. - Another one? Yes, sir!

713. All right, I'm gonna go hang out with some Black people.

714. Man, that was an exhilarating mission, wasn't it?

715. Uh, yeah.

716. Thank you for, like,

717. going all out to set me up

718. - for success. - Oh, yeah, of course.

719. I mean, you're just... you're so cute.

720. - And funny and... - Oh, thank you.

721. Yeah, I, um...

722. do you live in L. A.?

723. - Yeah. - Really?

724. - Yes. - Okay.

725. Um, do you want to get a meal sometime?

726. - It'd be fun. Do you want to give me your phone? - Yeah, yeah.

727. - And I'll put my... - Sure.

728. Number in the old, uh...

729. - Digit in the old... - Box of, uh...

730. - magic box. - That would be...

731. - everything. - (phone buzzing)

732. Oh, sorry, you're getting a call here.

733. Yeah.

734. Sorry, here you go.

735. All right.

736. Well...

737. - Okay. - Okay.

738. You'll be hearing from me.

739. - Okay, sounds good. - Okay.

740. Oh, and I want to hear that rap about us.

741. I'm on it.

742. Good night.

743. Oh, fuck!

744. Move! Move!

745. Oh, no, I'm in flames, ah!

746. - I'm gonna roll! - (clamoring)

747. Help!

748. - (tires screech, horn honks) - I'm sorry!

749. I'm sorry!