1. Hey!Copy !req
2. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
3. Aww. How are you?Copy !req
4. Hey. Welcome to tour.Copy !req
5. Thank you. Oh, my God.
What is this?Copy !req
6. Oh, yeah, it's my alias,
Dom Pagnotti.Copy !req
7. I wanted you to feel
what I feel when I arrive.Copy !req
8. - Okay, cool. I love it.
- Yeah. Welcome.Copy !req
9. - Hi.
- I'll get your bag.Copy !req
10. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
11. - Let's go on the bus. Come on.
You guys, I'm here.Copy !req
12. Come on, everybody in,
everybody in.Copy !req
13. - This is Cliff.
- Hi, Cliff.Copy !req
14. - I'm Ally.
- How you doing?Copy !req
15. Listen, no shitting on the bus.
You shit, you split.Copy !req
16. Okay.Copy !req
17. Treat her like everybody else.Copy !req
18. All the way,
finish it all the way.Copy !req
19. Finish this whole thing
without burping,Copy !req
20. I'll be— Oh! Uh-uh.Copy !req
21. You lose.Copy !req
22. Can you do this shit back there?Copy !req
23. We owe this queen some respect.Copy !req
24. - Yeah.
Oh, real classy.Copy !req
25. - Ooh.
What?Copy !req
26. Kicking the Black men
to the back of the bus.Copy !req
27. I'm just giving you a hard time.Copy !req
28. Okay.
- This is how we talk.Copy !req
29. Yeah.
- Tour life.Copy !req
30. Uh, how is the search
for love going?Copy !req
31. Uh, really poorly.Copy !req
32. Not good.Copy !req
33. I thought it was gonna be like
the romantic climax of man.Copy !req
34. Uh, instead, it's really been
the stark realityCopy !req
35. of... humanity.Copy !req
36. Well, there was the girl
in Utah.Copy !req
37. Said she was big into LDS.Copy !req
38. Oh, Latter Day Saints.
Yeah, I didn't know that.Copy !req
39. I thought she
was talking baseball.Copy !req
40. Why?
- Like the NLDS.Copy !req
41. The National...
It was totally coincided
with that round of the...Copy !req
42. He thinks normal human flaws
are red flags.Copy !req
43. Sure, sounds reasonable.Copy !req
44. I mean, a big one is that
if they're not Rachel McAdams,Copy !req
45. - that's probably a...
Ugh.Copy !req
46. A classic.Copy !req
47. There was one girl that
I really didn't likeCopy !req
48. the way she danced,
she was a bad dancer.Copy !req
49. - Mm.
- Dave...Copy !req
50. I love bad dancersCopy !req
51. who have, like, all that...
spirit and charm.Copy !req
52. But when you're a bad dancer,Copy !req
53. and you think that you're not,Copy !req
54. and like you're trying
to be cool,Copy !req
55. but you're not,Copy !req
56. that's a bad attitude.Copy !req
57. And I don't— I can't—
I can't do that.Copy !req
58. Wait. By the way,
can you do me a favor?Copy !req
59. Can you add a name
to the list, for tonight?Copy !req
60. Please. It's my pleasure,
that's my power.Copy !req
61. We can do that. We have—
We have that power.Copy !req
62. I know, but it's, that's my job.Copy !req
63. - Yeah, but I'm just
saying I could...
- What's his name?Copy !req
64. You can do it if you want.Copy !req
65. What is his name?
- Do your job.Copy !req
66. What's the name?Copy !req
67. Roy Winters.Copy !req
68. Roy Winters,
the silent film actor.Copy !req
69. I love him.Copy !req
70. You strumpet.Copy !req
71. Okay, I knew that you
were going to do this.Copy !req
72. This Roy guy from college,
"they're just friends."Copy !req
73. All this time, Dave here
had a suspicion.Copy !req
74. Turns out, Dave here
was right again.Copy !req
75. I never hooked up with him.Copy !req
76. I just want to win the argument
that I've always won.Copy !req
77. I understand that.Copy !req
78. And I can't win it unless
you admit that I've won it.Copy !req
79. So what are you intentions
with this man?Copy !req
80. My intentions...Copy !req
81. Great. Everybody's creaming.Copy !req
82. I love your vibe,
it's so chill right now.Copy !req
83. Thank you for saying that.Copy !req
84. I am just a chill girl about
to have some casual sex.Copy !req
85. What do you want to do first?Copy !req
86. You want to roll me around
in a strollerCopy !req
87. while I smoke this baby?Copy !req
88. No, I said I'm gonna
see you at the show.Copy !req
89. But beforehand,
I need to be Rhianna.Copy !req
90. And focus on my...Copy !req
91. Well, can I just point out
that RhiannaCopy !req
92. is notoriously
a very good friendCopy !req
93. and she would go to
the botanical gardensCopy !req
94. with me and smoke.Copy !req
95. Will you do this?Copy !req
96. - Yeah, I got you.
Yay.Copy !req
97. - Here.
- Thank you.Copy !req
98. Oh, by the way,
should I wear, uh, this?Copy !req
99. Yeah, that's cute,
I like that one.Copy !req
100. Stop. You're fucking gorgeous.Copy !req
101. Which is like...Copy !req
102. coming here to fuck Roy Winters?Copy !req
103. Why? You've known him
for ten years.Copy !req
104. It's like fucking an iPhone 5.Copy !req
105. Jim just hurt my feelings
and was all...Copy !req
106. "I don't have
the emotional bandwidthCopy !req
107. for a relationship right now."Copy !req
108. And Roy has always said
that I'm his dream girlCopy !req
109. and so it's easy.Copy !req
110. You have a fucking vagina.Copy !req
111. It's always easy.Copy !req
112. You could literally stand there
and they'd fuck you.Copy !req
113. You could walk outside,Copy !req
114. everybody wants to fuck you.Copy !req
115. The goal is to not get fucked.Copy !req
116. Hmm.Copy !req
117. Not tonight.Copy !req
118. - Cheers to that.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
119. Will you look at my butthole
real quick?Copy !req
120. I think I cut it while shaving.Copy !req
121. - Check, check.
- Man, these sound crispy.Copy !req
122. Check, check.Copy !req
123. Check, check, sound check.Copy !req
124. Check, check, check, check.Copy !req
125. Gata, what are your thoughts on
Madison, Wisconsin, brother?Copy !req
126. You rocking with it?Copy !req
127. Check, check.
Last time I was in Wisconsin,Copy !req
128. you ain't gonna believe it,Copy !req
129. I really pissed on a bitch.Copy !req
130. Okay. Those are
the kind of thingsCopy !req
131. you shouldn't say
into the microphone.Copy !req
132. Because other people
can hear it,Copy !req
133. and you can get cancelled,
then I...Copy !req
134. She wanted me to do it, bro.
I'm just letting you knowCopy !req
135. the energy is dope
out here, bro.Copy !req
136. Man, I fucked a bitch out here
with my socks off.Copy !req
137. You normally fuck
with your socks on?Copy !req
138. Check, check, check, check.Copy !req
139. Check.Copy !req
140. - Check, check.
- Hey.Copy !req
141. - Hey. Oh, yeah. Okay.
- I have to... I have to.Copy !req
142. Right, you know, can we talk
away from the stage?Copy !req
143. - Please?
- I have been waiting for hours.Copy !req
144. I know, but let's talk away
from the stage.Copy !req
145. - Okay, sure.
- All right, so...Copy !req
146. we don't have any time
to do this.Copy !req
147. I know you want to do
the click stuff,Copy !req
148. but I just, we can't.Copy !req
149. I'm a photographer.
You guys booked this.Copy !req
150. I don't know why you're acting
like I'm just...Copy !req
151. voluntarily coming here
and wanting to...Copy !req
152. My point is,
we got crunched for time.Copy !req
153. You're done.Copy !req
154. I'm confused.Copy !req
155. I've been here all day.Copy !req
156. The window that you told meCopy !req
157. was from 2:00 to 4:00,
it's now almost 4:30.Copy !req
158. And it just... (whooshes)Copy !req
159. closed right up on you.Copy !req
160. I feel like you really
mismanage your timeCopy !req
161. and now you're
just being a dick.Copy !req
162. I'm sorry we ran into trafficCopy !req
163. and there was a big truck.Copy !req
164. And I think it was
a pilaf truck,Copy !req
165. - like rice-rice pilafs.
- Dude.Copy !req
166. - And they were block...
- If you're gonna lie,Copy !req
167. - just do it better.
That's not a lie.Copy !req
168. That's not a lie.
I don't know what you...Copy !req
169. Is everything okay down there?Copy !req
170. Yeah, everything
is totally fine.Copy !req
171. The picture girl's here.Copy !req
172. - I'm a photographer.
- And she's—Copy !req
173. Okay, same thing.Copy !req
174. Your organizationCopy !req
175. is incredibly disorganized.Copy !req
176. Should I come resolve
the situation?Copy !req
177. - Yes.
- No. Please just
finish sound check.Copy !req
178. I'm having trouble
hearing you guys.Copy !req
179. I'm not a picture girl,
that's...Copy !req
180. It's the same thing, kind of.Copy !req
181. - You take pictures.
- I don't think
that's true at all.Copy !req
182. - Look what you did.
- Excuse me?Copy !req
183. Look what you did.Copy !req
184. Are you joking?Copy !req
185. - Dude, I...
- Hi.Copy !req
186. What's going on?Copy !req
187. - Hi. I'm Robyn.
- Dave. Nice to meet you, Robyn.Copy !req
188. - Nice to meet you.
Nice jumpsuit.Copy !req
189. - Uh, thanks.
Funky.Copy !req
190. - Funky.
- For the magazine spread,Copy !req
191. I have to take photos,
it's a whole layout,Copy !req
192. - I can't just get photos
of you onstage.
Of course not.Copy !req
193. I am now being told
that I have no time.Copy !req
194. Well, who the heck
is saying that?Copy !req
195. - I did.
- He is.Copy !req
196. - Oh, this guy?
- That's right.Copy !req
197. You can't listen
to a word he says.Copy !req
198. He's got it all wrong
all the time.Copy !req
199. I mean, I'm just kidding, but...Copy !req
200. it does feel like some sort
of mismanaged situationCopy !req
201. - has occurred.
- It's not mismanaged at all.
That's not true...Copy !req
202. It does sound exactly like that.Copy !req
203. I can't really be controlled.Copy !req
204. And that's kind of like
the elephant in the room here.Copy !req
205. He's realizing that,Copy !req
206. he's probably gonna walk
away very soon.Copy !req
207. Yep. See?Copy !req
208. Bye.Copy !req
209. (chuckles) Off the record.Copy !req
210. There's no record.Copy !req
211. I'm just here to take photos.Copy !req
212. Off the visual record.Copy !req
213. One thing you should realize
is I'm sorry.Copy !req
214. Why would... saying sorry
be off the record?Copy !req
215. I don't know.Copy !req
216. In all seriousness,
I do feel terrible.Copy !req
217. If we fucked you over
in any way and you thoughtCopy !req
218. you had something
and it's not, I'm...Copy !req
219. Please, let me make
it up to you.Copy !req
220. I can give you my whole
afternoon if need be.Copy !req
221. Okay, well, I don't actually
have the whole afternoon.Copy !req
222. I have another shoot later.Copy !req
223. But I do have a kind of fun,Copy !req
224. non-traditional idea
if you're down.Copy !req
225. Will it be non-traditionalCopy !req
226. if I'm traditionally
non-traditional?Copy !req
227. Uh...Copy !req
228. And it's not a riddle.
Think on it.Copy !req
229. Gata, I need you to do
sound check without me, okay?Copy !req
230. - Got you, bro.
- Cool.Copy !req
231. Hey, bitch. (laughs)Copy !req
232. Hey!Copy !req
233. - Hi.
- Oh, you look...Copy !req
234. fantastic.Copy !req
235. - You, too. Hey.
- Oh, my God. Hey.Copy !req
236. I got you, uh,
your college drink.Copy !req
237. - A Midori Sour.
- Oh.Copy !req
238. Quick question. In what worldCopy !req
239. would I still be drinking
Midori Sours?Copy !req
240. In my world.Copy !req
241. From like ten years ago where
we're still in collegeCopy !req
242. and everything is the same.Copy !req
243. That's cute. I will not
drink this, but thank you.Copy !req
244. I just had to fuck with you.Copy !req
245. - I already got a lane.
- (laughs)Copy !req
246. So let me get this straight.Copy !req
247. Um, you flew out hereCopy !req
248. to take me to your
ex-boyfriend's concert?Copy !req
249. Yeah, because that's like
a totally normal and adult...Copy !req
250. - emotionally stable thing to do.
- Totally.Copy !req
251. Which is what I thought
when you reached outCopy !req
252. and then I had the thought likeCopy !req
253. we should also, we should
hit up my ex-wife.Copy !req
254. Okay, I'm glad that you said it.Copy !req
255. - You were gonna...
- Because I was gonna, yeah.Copy !req
256. For sure. Yeah. Let's pick
the bitch up. (laughs)Copy !req
257. - Okay.
- Sorry.Copy !req
258. She's not a bitch.Copy !req
259. - Or may— I mean, probably.
- Debatable.Copy !req
260. Ex-wife.Copy !req
261. That's like so adult of you.Copy !req
262. - It is, isn't it?
- You've been like fully married.Copy !req
263. - Fully.
- And then fully divorced.Copy !req
264. - Fully.
- Which means...Copy !req
265. that you could be
a Real Housewife.Copy !req
266. You know?Copy !req
267. Honestly, the whole thing was...Copy !req
268. pretty traumatic.Copy !req
269. - Yeah.
- Um, kind of like...Copy !req
270. wrecked me. I won't get
into the detailsCopy !req
271. - of all of it, but...
- (insect buzzing)Copy !req
272. - (chokes)
- It's good, like I'm-I'm...Copy !req
273. I'm totally fine now.Copy !req
274. - (coughs)
- And, um...Copy !req
275. I mean, we're not like
best friendsCopy !req
276. - or anything
by any means, but...
- Yeah.Copy !req
277. - (gagging)
- You okay?Copy !req
278. (wheezing):
I think I swallowed a bug.Copy !req
279. It's like inside of me.Copy !req
280. You swallowed a bug?Copy !req
281. Um, here, you should
probably drink this.Copy !req
282. Because it's like acid.
It'll kill the... larvae.Copy !req
283. - Or if it was a...
- (hacking)Copy !req
284. Okay, lift up your dress.Copy !req
285. Okay, move it a little bit?Copy !req
286. I love being a woman.Copy !req
287. What did you say?Copy !req
288. I said I love this.Copy !req
289. Move your body but just
like stay here.Copy !req
290. Okay, no problem.Copy !req
291. That's kind of...Copy !req
292. What if we get a little
more hip-hop in this?Copy !req
293. - I don't know, man.
What am I gonna do?Copy !req
294. I think you're gonna jump.Copy !req
295. You get it?Copy !req
296. This is terrible. Let's go.Copy !req
297. Put your legs out.Copy !req
298. Legs out?
- Yeah.Copy !req
299. Not like that.Copy !req
300. - Okay. Timid.
- Yeah.Copy !req
301. So what's your deal?Copy !req
302. How's tour been? You just...Copy !req
303. drowning in pussy?Copy !req
304. Uh...Copy !req
305. Uh, I don't like hooking up
with girls like that.Copy !req
306. - Right.
- Is the implication thatCopy !req
307. - I carry myself like a player?
- No.Copy !req
308. Yes. Not... No, no.Copy !req
309. - Ultimately, no.
- Mm.Copy !req
310. All I want is like
a girlfriend, really.Copy !req
311. - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.Copy !req
312. - Huh.
- So, what about you?Copy !req
313. You must be...Copy !req
314. up to your neck
in big dick energy.Copy !req
315. Up to my neck
in big dick energy?Copy !req
316. I'm just trying
to ask you about your life.Copy !req
317. Huh.Copy !req
318. - Not now. Yeah.
- Sure.Copy !req
319. It's not really my priority.Copy !req
320. Career?Copy !req
321. - Sure. There's other things.
- Yeah.Copy !req
322. - Besides that, yeah. Yeah.
- I can only imagine.Copy !req
323. Tell me about Wisconsin.
Do you love it here?Copy !req
324. Like do you think
you're gonna die here?Copy !req
325. Do I think I'm gonna
die in Wisconsin?Copy !req
326. - That's a crazy question
to ask a stranger, I guess.
- Is it?Copy !req
327. I'm not saying like
die here today,Copy !req
328. I'm saying like do you think
you want to liveCopy !req
329. the rest of your life
in this place?Copy !req
330. No, I don't think I do.Copy !req
331. But my family's here and...Copy !req
332. You've got deep roots.Copy !req
333. Yeah. Plus, we have snow days.Copy !req
334. - I love snow days.
- All right.Copy !req
335. Get back to work.
Another position.Copy !req
336. Titanic?Copy !req
337. - Ah.
- Whoa.Copy !req
338. How's this?Copy !req
339. You look effulgent.Copy !req
340. I love the way you speak.Copy !req
341. Thank you.Copy !req
342. Why don't I take you into
my world a little?Copy !req
343. All right.Copy !req
344. This is the Scroguard.Copy !req
345. The... Scroguard?Copy !req
346. It is an STD preventative tool.Copy !req
347. Do you...? You fuck in that?Copy !req
348. - Yeah, I do.
- Do you...? You have...?Copy !req
349. You fuck women in that?Copy !req
350. Exclusively women.Copy !req
351. - Okay.
- Do you wash it?Copy !req
352. Yeah, I wash it.
I'm not a monster.Copy !req
353. - (sniffs) You do wash it.
- I do.Copy !req
354. I... Can I try it on?Copy !req
355. By all means try it on.Copy !req
356. Uh, just be careful with it
because I do have only oneCopy !req
357. and the company like totally
went out of business.Copy !req
358. What is this? You fuck...Copy !req
359. This is crazy.Copy !req
360. - We're the same size,
scrote-size.
- Yeah.Copy !req
361. You like it?Copy !req
362. I feel so protected.Copy !req
363. What you're feeling
is peace of mind.Copy !req
364. I feel like you get it.Copy !req
365. And you're still hard
after all of that?Copy !req
366. - Oh, if there's a woman?
- I just wanna like...Copy !req
367. Yeah, take that,
you little groupie slut.Copy !req
368. I don't talk during.Copy !req
369. But, yeah, you make it
look good.Copy !req
370. Yeah, I don't know,
this is, uh...Copy !req
371. You're a weirdly honest person.Copy !req
372. I have a whole
wonderland of, uh,Copy !req
373. equipment, devices.Copy !req
374. There's... Don't you
have that, uh...Copy !req
375. You said you had a thing.
How are we doing on time?Copy !req
376. Oh, yeah, I-I... That was a lie.Copy !req
377. - I lied.
- You lied?Copy !req
378. - Yeah.
- For what?Copy !req
379. To be impressive.Copy !req
380. Oh.Copy !req
381. Why?Copy !req
382. To impress you.Copy !req
383. - Thank you for...
- Yeah.Copy !req
384. Oh.Copy !req
385. Sorry. I...Copy !req
386. Crossed the line and I'm sorry,Copy !req
387. I should not have done that.Copy !req
388. I misread the situation.Copy !req
389. I'm off the clock.Copy !req
390. Splendid.Copy !req
391. So not even the beach?Copy !req
392. No. Never fully submerged.Copy !req
393. So you mean to tell me
that like no oneCopy !req
394. has ever seen you just
completely wet?Copy !req
395. I'm doing everyone a favor
by not doing it.Copy !req
396. I look like if the girl
from The RingCopy !req
397. was like a little
round Polish boy.Copy !req
398. Like that's— I'm—
That's what it looks like.Copy !req
399. - Okay.
- (phone ringing)Copy !req
400. Oh, um, this is a work call.Copy !req
401. I really got to take it.
I'm so sorry. Uh...Copy !req
402. - Is that okay? Is that rude?
- Yeah, of course.
No, you're fine.Copy !req
403. - You're not gonna...
- Go, yeah,
work bought me drinks.Copy !req
404. - I'll be like... Okay. Cool.
- (phone ringing)Copy !req
405. Love the form.Copy !req
406. I see you're as athletic
as I remember.Copy !req
407. The show starts in like an hourCopy !req
408. if you want to go.
Uh, sorry about that.Copy !req
409. I will put this away.Copy !req
410. Let's skip it
and let's go to your place.Copy !req
411. - Okay.
- Yeah?Copy !req
412. - (audience cheering)
- Hey.Copy !req
413. Oh.Copy !req
414. Gata showed up late again
with a bunch a different women.Copy !req
415. It's like he's trying to get
catfished and murderedCopy !req
416. at the same time.Copy !req
417. NPR rescheduled.
So, you're welcome.Copy !req
418. Thank... you.Copy !req
419. Who are you texting?
What are you doing?Copy !req
420. Robyn.Copy !req
421. I'm like totally locked in.Copy !req
422. Yeah.Copy !req
423. Y'all ready for
the professional rapper?Copy !req
424. What y'all trying to do?Copy !req
425. Lil Dicky!Copy !req
426. Wisconsin, I think I'm in love!Copy !req
427. - Cheers.Copy !req
428. - Cheers.Copy !req
429. You know, um...Copy !req
430. I have wanted to do this
for a very long time.Copy !req
431. That was nice.Copy !req
432. It... (chuckles)Copy !req
433. I can't even tell you.Copy !req
434. Every girl that I've
gone out with lately,Copy !req
435. I have to have that awkwardCopy !req
436. "I'm emotionally unavailable"
conversation.Copy !req
437. So this is very nice
for a change.Copy !req
438. Yeah, yeah,
no conversation needed.Copy !req
439. It's like just one night
only, you know?Copy !req
440. - I don't know
what I'm doing. Music.
- Oh.Copy !req
441. - I should turn some music on.
- Yeah.Copy !req
442. Rock on, baby. (chuckles)Copy !req
443. - What'd you think of the show?
- I loved it.Copy !req
444. I can't believe
I haven't showered.Copy !req
445. Tough to do a concert
and not shower and be so...Copy !req
446. - (mumbles, sniffs)
- You like it?Copy !req
447. Yeah.Copy !req
448. Wait, isn't this exactly
where we were, earlier today?Copy !req
449. Yeah. I live here.Copy !req
450. - You live here?
- Yeah.Copy !req
451. Why didn't you tell me
that you lived here?Copy !req
452. I just generally don't
like to, you know,Copy !req
453. tell people that I'm working
with that I live in the space.Copy !req
454. - (music playing loudly outside)
- Oh.Copy !req
455. Ugh!Copy !req
456. Every night, my neighbor
just plays this music,Copy !req
457. it's really annoying actually.Copy !req
458. Is it always like this here?Copy !req
459. - It's not, it's...
- It's a big party neighborhood?Copy !req
460. I don't think there's a party.Copy !req
461. That's— Cute.Copy !req
462. There's like a little bit
of a buzz on the block.Copy !req
463. So you got to be
in here every night just...Copy !req
464. - doing stuff like this?
Never.Copy !req
465. I really can't dance. I-I...Copy !req
466. It's like my most
embarrassing quality.Copy !req
467. - Oh, please, everyone can dance.
- No, no, I—Copy !req
468. - I-I hate it about myself.
- Everyone can dance.Copy !req
469. - No.
- Tonight you do, come on.Copy !req
470. - No, I...
- Why not? What's wrong
with dancing?Copy !req
471. - It's so easy. You just...
- My joints are like...Copy !req
472. Just live your truth, come on.
Do something.Copy !req
473. There it is.Copy !req
474. - I need more.
- No.Copy !req
475. I need more. You're a vision.Copy !req
476. - I'm embarrassed.
- Why? You're incredible.Copy !req
477. Come on.Copy !req
478. Yeah, whip the hair.Copy !req
479. Whip the hair again. Yeah!Copy !req
480. Mm. Mm. Mm.Copy !req
481. You, come here.Copy !req
482. - Did you used to grind?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
483. - Like, when everyone
used to just, like...?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
484. Yeah, I used to stand against
the back of the wallCopy !req
485. in high school, actually,
and I'd watch the other kids.Copy !req
486. I used to do that, too. Okay.Copy !req
487. I'm not used to muscle.Copy !req
488. Slow has merit.Copy !req
489. Want to go up a level?Copy !req
490. - I don't know what means,
but yes, yeah, yeah.
- Oh. Okay.Copy !req
491. Oh! Oh, my God.Copy !req
492. - I had an underbite.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
493. I don't like to
expose my underbite. Look.Copy !req
494. I'll do it for you because
we're comfortable.Copy !req
495. Okay.Copy !req
496. Mm.Copy !req
497. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck me.Copy !req
498. - Oh! (laughing)
- Fuck!Copy !req
499. Do girls like this at all?Copy !req
500. (voice shaking): Uh, no,
it's just more disruptiveCopy !req
501. to like how I'm speaking.Copy !req
502. I am so sorry.Copy !req
503. The show must go on, you know?Copy !req
504. - I am so sorry.
- No, honestly, it's hot.Copy !req
505. - What race are you?
- What?Copy !req
506. Are you— I don't want to ask,
but I feel like you're Latina?Copy !req
507. I'm half Chinese.Copy !req
508. - Chinese?
- I think it's Latinx.Copy !req
509. Yeah.Copy !req
510. Amen, sister.Copy !req
511. Did you say "Amen, sister"?Copy !req
512. Yeah, I-I wanted to say
like halleluiahCopy !req
513. or like what's a Chinese like...
I don't want to bow.Copy !req
514. Do you remember, um,
at Mooney's senior yearCopy !req
515. when you said I was
your dream girl?Copy !req
516. I don't remember that, but...Copy !req
517. it makes sense.Copy !req
518. No.Copy !req
519. I'm like... No?Copy !req
520. What are you doing?Copy !req
521. Kegeling or keegel—
I'm making the head just...Copy !req
522. No.Copy !req
523. I don't— There's no...Copy !req
524. I'm dripping sweat on you.Copy !req
525. Do you want me to get a condom?Copy !req
526. - Uh, yeah.
- Yeah?Copy !req
527. - Yeah.
- Okay.Copy !req
528. - Okay.
- Um, sorry.Copy !req
529. Sorry, can we hold on
one second?Copy !req
530. Yeah. Of course. No pressure.Copy !req
531. No rush.Copy !req
532. Sorry, I'm so sorry, um...Copy !req
533. Whew. Uh...Copy !req
534. I'm sorry, I thought I...Copy !req
535. could do this, but I'm now
realizing that I can't.Copy !req
536. Oh.Copy !req
537. - Okay, did I do something?
- No.Copy !req
538. No, you... You were,
you were great.Copy !req
539. You were great. I just...Copy !req
540. - Ugh.
- You want to talk about it?Copy !req
541. Yeah, I mean...Copy !req
542. I just thought, I thought
with all of this...Copy !req
543. history between us and me
just getting out of somethingCopy !req
544. that this would be
kind of like a perfect...Copy !req
545. rebound situation.Copy !req
546. I mean, I get it, I just...Copy !req
547. I got out of something, too.Copy !req
548. - Yeah.
- So it's...Copy !req
549. I-I'm just not
a-a casual sex... girl,Copy !req
550. I-I've never even had sex
on a first date.Copy !req
551. - So...
- (chuckling)Copy !req
552. You're kidding, right?
I've known you over a decade.Copy !req
553. It's not really
the same thing, this...Copy !req
554. No, I don't do anything
like this, I...Copy !req
555. I really...Copy !req
556. This, it's just,
it's feeling likeCopy !req
557. I'm-I'm doing something that
I shouldn't be doing.Copy !req
558. - Okay.
- Which I'm not...Copy !req
559. - like trying to
be mean, I'm just...
- That's cool. No, I'm gonna...Copy !req
560. I re— I...Copy !req
561. I wish that I could
explain it better.Copy !req
562. Did I like gaslight you
or something?Copy !req
563. Are you gaslit?Copy !req
564. No, I...Copy !req
565. You don't owe me anything, butCopy !req
566. you kind of set up
an expectation,Copy !req
567. you sent me a nude.Copy !req
568. Yeah, no, I...Copy !req
569. I thought...Copy !req
570. that you kind of
saw me differently.Copy !req
571. Look, in case I wasn't
totally clear,Copy !req
572. I don't want a relationship.Copy !req
573. No, I am not asking for one.Copy !req
574. I feel like you're kind of
fucking with my head.Copy !req
575. And I'm confused because I
just was telling you that...Copy !req
576. - No, no.
- I don't have
the emotional bandwidthCopy !req
577. - or the availability.
- No, no.Copy !req
578. You don't need to reject
my rejection.Copy !req
579. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
580. Well, at least that's clear.Copy !req
581. Yeah, that is crystal clear.Copy !req
582. - What are you thinking about?Copy !req
583. - Right now?
- Yeah.Copy !req
584. Uh, well...Copy !req
585. I'm thinking about how I have
a cut on my cuticle here.Copy !req
586. And I'm thinking,
can you get HIVCopy !req
587. from like having that cut
on a finger and...Copy !req
588. the finger's fingering?Copy !req
589. I was just, like,
evaluating the odds.Copy !req
590. On whether or not I have AIDS?Copy !req
591. How do you even sleep at nightCopy !req
592. with all of those...Copy !req
593. crazy thoughts?Copy !req
594. I sleep really well, actually.Copy !req
595. - Really?
- Eight hours a night.Copy !req
596. - Surprising.
- Really?Copy !req
597. You have the personality
of a real insomniac.Copy !req
598. No, I created a total
thought processCopy !req
599. that just works like a charm.Copy !req
600. What is it?Copy !req
601. - Okay, I'll tell you.
Yeah, buckle up.
- What?Copy !req
602. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
603. - So I imagine
that it's the Holocaust.
- Okay.Copy !req
604. Yeah.Copy !req
605. And that I am in Nazi GermanyCopy !req
606. and I have been on the run
for like 18 days.Copy !req
607. Couldn't be colder.
It's winter, by the way.Copy !req
608. There's snow
all over the ground.Copy !req
609. It's the most stressful
thing in the world.Copy !req
610. And I've finally arrived
at a family friend's house.Copy !req
611. They bring me up
to the attic, right?Copy !req
612. And we go up to that attic
and it's so warm.Copy !req
613. - Mm.
- There's like wood floors,Copy !req
614. there's a fireplace always to
the left, crackling fireplace,Copy !req
615. and then out the window, you
can see like the amber lightCopy !req
616. and the snow just
like falling slowly.Copy !req
617. And I don't even
have a mattress,Copy !req
618. I can hear the hum of
the militia and the tanksCopy !req
619. and the Nazis like barking
at one another,Copy !req
620. but at that moment
it doesn't even matter.Copy !req
621. Because I'm so warm,
I'm so cozy,Copy !req
622. and I'm so tired,Copy !req
623. and then I just wake up
eight hours later.Copy !req
624. Wow. That's...Copy !req
625. You get it, right?Copy !req
626. Yeah.Copy !req
627. Today was like the most fun day
I've ever had.Copy !req
628. Yeah.Copy !req
629. I wish you weren't leaving.Copy !req
630. Well, the second I do,Copy !req
631. you know that every single guy
in WisconsinCopy !req
632. is gonna descend upon youCopy !req
633. and you're gonna have
your total pick of the litter.Copy !req
634. And you're gonna make
some guy's dreams come true.Copy !req
635. Yeah.Copy !req
636. Oh, what time is it?Copy !req
637. It's late.Copy !req
638. Feels late.Copy !req
639. Feels late and early at once.Copy !req
640. Um, I don't want to be rude,Copy !req
641. but I-I have to get up
so early tomorrowCopy !req
642. and I didn't know what
time it was until just now.Copy !req
643. You're asking me to leave.Copy !req
644. I re— it's a big gig and I
don't want to fuck it up and...Copy !req
645. I really have to...
call it a night.Copy !req
646. It's a big thing.Copy !req
647. I get it. You're a... Career.Copy !req
648. Maybe it's just better—
I-I don't...Copy !req
649. - You're a career woman.
- I didn't know how late it was.Copy !req
650. You need to sleep. I understand.Copy !req
651. No one empathizes
with that situationCopy !req
652. more than me, I get it.
(exhales)Copy !req
653. Yeah.Copy !req
654. I have your number.Copy !req
655. - Oh, no.
- Yeah.Copy !req
656. You said that?Copy !req
657. I don't even know if that's the
comment that turned the tide,Copy !req
658. and if it was, I was just
being complimentary, like...Copy !req
659. Yeah, but you don't need to...Copy !req
660. like tell the truth
all the time.Copy !req
661. You could, you know, just...Copy !req
662. She was great, I thought.Copy !req
663. Okay, well, then don't
give up on her.Copy !req
664. Like call her
from the road or whatever.Copy !req
665. Honestly, if you're gonna
get that thrownCopy !req
666. by one small comment,Copy !req
667. then there's some deeper
insecurity, like underneath.Copy !req
668. And I'm happy I saw it
sooner than later, so...Copy !req
669. Dave, you have to forgive people
for not being perfect.Copy !req
670. Enough about me.
What happened with Roy?Copy !req
671. (sighs) I'm realizing that
I can't just... hook up.Copy !req
672. Like, it doesn't have
to mean everything,Copy !req
673. but it can't mean nothing,
if that makes sense.Copy !req
674. Makes perfect sense. I get it.Copy !req
675. But, you know, I'm just...Copy !req
676. trying to fill the void,
I guess.Copy !req
677. That is me every single night.Copy !req
678. Especially on tour.Copy !req
679. But... there's still time.Copy !req
680. Yeah.Copy !req
681. You know, I've never
told you this,Copy !req
682. but the best thing
that you've ever doneCopy !req
683. is not get back together
with me when I tried to.Copy !req
684. Why? Because you're...Copy !req
685. America's most
eligible bachelor now?Copy !req
686. No, because I would've
fucked it up between usCopy !req
687. and you don't deserve
that at all.Copy !req
688. We're in such a good placeCopy !req
689. and I'm so happy
to have you in my lifeCopy !req
690. and anyone who doesn't
want you in their livesCopy !req
691. is a fucking loser.Copy !req
692. You deserve everything.Copy !req
693. LD, what's good, bro?Copy !req
694. I got more flavors
than Baskin-Robbins, bro.Copy !req
695. - Got them lined up for you.
- Oh.Copy !req
696. Classic Gata.Copy !req
697. I'm okay, man.
This guy's out of his mind.Copy !req
698. You sure?
I've been listening to you, bro.Copy !req
699. I got all the types
you said, bro.Copy !req
700. I got the neighborhood girl,
around-the-way look,Copy !req
701. all that shit you
was talking about?Copy !req
702. Let me just see if
he has an understandingCopy !req
703. of the type of woman
I'm even interested in.Copy !req
704. - Yeah.
- Like I made him watch
Wedding Crashers,Copy !req
705. it's just good for the rest
of the tour that he...Copy !req
706. One second. Be right back.Copy !req
707. Hi.Copy !req
708. I'm Dave, nice to meet you.Copy !req