DAVE 3x2

1. Cut, cut! Cut, cut! Dave, we're already behind.

2. - Cut, cut, cut. - Let's get ready to go again please.

3. Right away, everybody! - Okay, right now,

4. you're making this super lowbrow face

5. when you're grabbing her breasts.

6. Opposite energy. It's emotional.

7. This is the love of your life, not some little slut.

8. You guys are doing really great.

9. We're just looking for some levels. Like, the intension...

10. Guys, please, please, I got to talk to you for a second.

11. Play it cool. Cool.

12. So, like, cooler, right?

13. Not "cool." Not cool in that way.

14. - These kids fucking suck. - I know. It's like...

15. the talent pool in Philadelphia is fucking atrocious.

16. That's what I told you. That's exactly what I said.

17. - Well... - But you wanted to shoot here.

18. You wanted to make it real, so...

19. It's my parents' house, where all this shit happened...

20. Dave, Dave, Dave. I need to speak to you,

21. 'cause it's actually— it's kind of urgent.

22. Look, here's the deal.

23. Eighth-grade Dave hasn't logged enough school hours,

24. which means he's gonna get pumpkined,

25. which means I have to pull him for two hours.

26. We can't be in this scene in two more hours.

27. - We're already two hours behind. - I understand. I understand.

28. But in order to get all the Daves together

29. for the Evolution of Man scene,

30. I had to stagger their schooling.

31. - You understand? So he's... - So what's the solution?

32. - What's the solution? - Well, the only thing I can think of

33. is that we have Toddler Dave.

34. He's available to work right now. Wait, copy that...

35. Toddler Dave? - Steph, can you cover for me, please?

36. It's a spin the bottle scene. Like-like, you can't have, like,

37. an eighth grader get fondled by toddler.

38. You said you wanted abstract.

39. Can we have the intimacy coordinator over here, please?

40. - No, that's not the... - We need to know if a toddler

41. can touch our eighth grader's breasts.

42. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please, like, we're just spitballing here.

43. - Let us have a conversation. - Copy. 86 on the intimacy coordinator.

44. - They're just spitballing. - You got to realize, like,

45. the reason I'm making this video right now is to engage

46. a female fan base that I don't even currently have.

47. Like, ticket sales on this tour are not going well.

48. Look at my fan base right now. It's all dudes.

49. - (crowd cheering) - Hi, guys. Good to see you.

50. And I certainly, like, I love these people,

51. but it's like we're not even tapping into half the world.

52. So people need to see my sensitivity at some point.

53. Yeah, and they're not gonna see anything

54. if you don't finish the video today.

55. We leave Philly tomorrow, so...

56. - figure it out, Dave. - I know. I'm working on it.

57. But, like, I assume our female director has a P. O. V.

58. on not wanting the main character of the video

59. - to act like a fucking animal, you know? - Oh, my God.

60. Guys, you're both right.

61. We can cut around the face and move on.

62. - Cut around the face? - Great. Yes.

63. - Mm-hmm? - Emma, good call. Let's move on.

64. Okay. I got to go to playback to understand...

65. - Dave. Dave's walking to playback.

66. - Cut around the face? - Dave, if we don't move on,

67. we're gonna lose the light for the bus stop.

68. Emma, it's my romantic origin story.

69. They have to see the love,

70. the heartbreak, all that, you know?

71. If you didn't know Batman's origin story,

72. he'd be just a guy who, like, beats—

73. Can I see playback on that?

74. Ready to do a test on the cum rig?

75. Not now, John. Play it back, Lonny?

76. John, John, John, that's for the coming the pants scene?

77. - Yeah. - Why is it a boner?

78. Like, I was totally soft when I came.

79. Totally soft? Like, no blood at all?

80. Yeah, exactly. Like, people have seen scenes

81. where guys cum their pants.

82. This is trauma because I came soft.

83. I mean, I essentially pissed cum.

84. Maybe I can hollow this out. It'll hang soft...

85. Just watch playback. - I don't need, like, an indentation.

86. I used to call my dick a "life crouton."

87. - I was jerking off to TRL... David?

88. David, can I see you for a second, please?

89. - Yeah. - There's blue tape all over the living room walls.

90. I never said you could use tape on my walls.

91. Okay, it's designed to come off.

92. - Your house is gonna be fine. - These fucking hearing aids.

93. We just repainted.

94. Those walls are smooth as lacquer.

95. - Okay. It's gonna be okay. Did she say lacquer?

96. - Huh? - Is there lacquer?

97. I don't know.

98. Can I see playback?

99. That's funny.

100. Well, it's not supposed to be, so that's a failure.

101. - Oh... - 'Cause— I'm serious.

102. It's like, this sucks.

103. These kids are never gonna be able

104. to inhabit my actual headspace.

105. I wish I could be in this video.

106. Yeah, well, it's too bad that no one wants to see a 30-year-old

107. - grope an eighth grader, so new plan. - I get it!

108. I totally get it. We're hamstrung to these kids.

109. So at this point, it's like, what generation of Dave

110. actually has the most sensitivity, of all our actors?

111. For me, it's that guy Helhim. Can we get Helhim out here?

112. - He at least can be directed. - Who's Helhim?

113. Helhim. Uh, I don't know.

114. Young Dave, one of them. Like, Helhim.

115. He had a name tag that said— I might be pronouncing it wrong.

116. He/him. His pronouns.

117. Andrew's pronouns.

118. Oh, Andrew's in hair and makeup.

119. Okay, well, he responds to "Helhim," F. Y. I.,

120. so he's sensitive to something. God.

121. Oh, hey, guys, I've been meaning to tell you,

122. y-you've been hacked.

123. What the fuck are you talking about, Don?

124. The-the website on your bus, Dave.com?

125. It-it goes to a banking site.

126. No. No, no, that's our sponsor for tour.

127. It's, like, a banking app. You can request an advance.

128. Hey, I got to be in that video, LD.

129. I could be a young jock.

130. Gata, you look 45. Where's this kid? Hey.

131. Hey. I need you to take on a bigger role

132. than you might have been expecting to, okay?

133. The key is you got to play this sweet and sensitive,

134. - and it's... - Dude, put me in anything.

135. I'm literally gonna slay so much oxtail

136. when this video comes out.

137. You're drenching me.

138. - In-in pussy. - Right.

139. Right. Roger.

140. Roger, that kid will not work. He's an actual ape.

141. - Like, I need different options. - Okay. Brittany's here.

142. Which Brittany? Which generation?

143. Brittany Brittany. The one the video's about.

144. - Brittany Parker? - Right. Yeah.

145. What the fuck? Brittany Parker's here?

146. Oh! Invite her in.

147. - It's been years. - She's outside right now?

148. Yeah. She's out there right now.

149. How did she even find out I was here? Oh, my God.

150. - I didn't text her... - Dave, how did she find out you were here?

151. You are sitting on Harrison Avenue

152. shooting a music video with your pink tour bus

153. - parked outside with your big-ass face on the side. Yeah.

154. And nobody cares, uh, about Brittany Parker.

155. - Exactly. - Dave, we need to make decisions right now.

156. We were talking before.

157. - Are we gonna have to cut the spin the bottle scene? No...

158. All right, then, we got to figure out which Dave you like

159. because I got to get him to wardrobe.

160. - (overlapping chatter) Guys, nobody right now should believe

161. in this Dave, because he's so whipped by this woman, dawg.

162. I'm not whipped anymore. I'm not in eighth grade, okay?

163. There's a crowd of people outside trying to meet me.

164. Are you crying? Are you crying? - I'm un-whippable.

165. So stop putting me in that fucking...

166. Is this the girl that broke his heart?

167. Hey, is that the one this video about, bro?

168. - She broke your heart? - Bro. Broke his heart?

169. Broke him in half, dawg. This nigga so whipped.

170. I got to figure out what to do with these guys.

171. - Dave, make a decision. - Look, at him, look at him.

172. His dick was green or something, bro.

173. - Just let him go or...? No, no, don't let him go.

174. Don't make any decisions. I need one minute to talk to her.

175. Dave, Dave... - Shut the fuck up!

176. Leave her outside, bro. Damn, dude.

177. This is school?

178. - Hi. Hey. - He literally is one

179. of my oldest friends. This is so overdramatic.

180. Yeah, no, she's with me. We're good, Cliff. Thank you.

181. Hey, I'm just doing my job, baby. - Jesus Christ.

182. Am I allowed to see you now, Mr. Hollywood?

183. Oh, yeah, I'm not being Hollywood at all.

184. - I had no idea that you were... - You're not?

185. - No, I'm not. - This is my day off.

186. I don't want to spend it in line like a fucking groupie.

187. Totally understood. Like, my phone wasn't on me

188. - and I'm really busy and... - Listen, I'm just giving you shit.

189. - (both laugh) - Just relax. Come here.

190. Yeah.

191. - Hi, Boobie. - Hey, Boobie. How you doing?

192. But seriously, why didn't you tell me you were in town?

193. Because I knew that this music video

194. would take up every single minute of my time,

195. and I just didn't want to have, like, a false expectation.

196. Whatever. What is this video even about?

197. Uh, like, a period piece.

198. - Uh-huh. - First and foremost. 2004.

199. Uh, young love. My perspective on young love.

200. - Stop. - What?

201. '04?

202. Yeah.

203. It's about us?

204. Yeah. But I should probably get back inside,

205. 'cause this whole fucking video's going haywire right now.

206. "I should probably go back inside 'cause the whole video's

207. - going fucking haywire right now." - (laughs)

208. If the video's about us, where's my cameo?

209. Well, it's, like, kids.

210. But... yeah.

211. Want to be in it?

212. - Fuck yeah. - Want to work on your off day, sweetheart?

213. - (laughs) - Let's go. I'll put you in the video. That's easy.

214. Hey, we got a whole new plan, okay?

215. Dave, it's fine. Just keep going.

216. Okay, back to places!

217. - Getting ready to shoot. - Okay!

218. Here's where the senior with the cool car's gonna be.

219. Okay, I need all of this cleared. Cut on rehearsal.

220. Yes! Boobie, you are a natural at this.

221. - You're awesome. - Wow.

222. - You remembered everything. - I did.

223. God, you were, like, obsessed.

224. Lil Dicky, I am such a huge fan.

225. - Aww, thank you. - Ew, stop.

226. You know he has a purple dick, right?

227. - I don't have a purple dick. - Maroon. Whatever.

228. Hey. Can we have a video now or do we have a video

229. now that Uncle Dave's in front of the camera?

230. Am I R or W? I knew it was right to put her in the video.

231. Now I can be in it. She's amazing. This is great.

232. What's amazing is how she bullied you

233. into being the star of your video.

234. That's not at all what happened. I'm actually just, like,

235. placating her to get exactly what we need.

236. - Whatever you say. - Where is playback here?

237. Don't worry about it. Keep doing what you're doing,

238. 'cause it's way better with you in it.

239. You guys have great chemistry.

240. - Yeah. - (imitates whip lashing)

241. You know, "whipped" is, like, a racially backed term,

242. - so just keep that in mind. - Sorry, Master.

243. - Hey, show me the next shot that you're setting up. - Okay.

244. Way ahead of you. Can I get A-cam to frame up, please?

245. So I thought it would be good to come in

246. on Brittany's perspective.

247. Brittany's perspective? Never from her perspective.

248. - No, it's like a... - Well, the way I see it is,

249. - if you see it from her... - No, no. Okay, wait.

250. What if we came down from my feet,

251. and it goes up like this: classic hero shot, okay?

252. And then, when that guy she starts dating—

253. the older dude with the car— comes, it's like,

254. we flip it and we make it underdog mode.

255. - Where is, like, the guy? - Uh, stand by. One second, there.

256. Uh, pulling up in that car right now.

257. - That's him? - Yeah, that's him.

258. Okay, I'm just gonna give him a few notes.

259. No, no, Dave, where are you going? Where are you going?

260. We got to keep shooting, guys! Let's go!

261. Hey, man. So here's the backstory.

262. I'm in love with this girl,

263. you're the older guy who starts dating her.

264. Um...

265. You said there was something on the props truck

266. that I had to look at, right?

267. So I will be right back and we'll th— Yeah.

268. Who the fuck is that guy?

269. That's the guy you cast to play Matt.

270. That's the— Brittany's older lover.

271. I didn't cast that guy. That's a seven-foot man.

272. - You picked him. - Yeah, yeah, we cast him.

273. I didn't know he was the Jolly Green Giant.

274. I just— We— He just— Sorry.

275. - He's a legit seven-footer. Like, I don't understand. - Yeah.

276. - His audition was chest-up. You got to... - It's almost at his neck.

277. The eyelines are gonna be all over the place.

278. - It's gonna look weird as fuck. - Yeah, no shit.

279. Okay, okay. I tell you what.

280. We could put him in, like, a green screen suit.

281. A green screen suit? What's that gonna do?

282. I don't need to make him disappear

283. - or, like, turn into a fucking alien. - Okay.

284. I need a human being to play this girl's...

285. - We got to shoot... - Can we upgrade an extra, maybe?

286. - Like, I don't know. Yeah.

287. Like, that fucking piece of shit kid with the hair?

288. - Like, he looks kind of... - Oh, yeah, he looks like a piece of shit.

289. - He's perfect. We got to keep this going. - Okay, hold on.

290. Hey, Steph, Steph. Go prep the guy

291. with the-the hat, please.

292. Then you can go release our Matt.

293. Go ahead and release Matt.

294. No, don't release the seven-foot guy.

295. No, no, no. He's, like, a funny visual.

296. We'll have him sneeze, or do something interesting.

297. Bending over is funny.

298. I thought you didn't want the video to be funny.

299. - Emma, it can have moments of comedy. - Actually, question.

300. Should we release the Young Daves and Brittanys now

301. at this point, or-or do you want to hold on...

302. Are you serious? Release the Young Daves?

303. What about the Evolution of Man scene

304. where we need every single Young Dave?

305. - How am I telling you this? - Of course. Yeah, yeah.

306. Are we getting a crane for that scene?

307. Okay, we couldn't fit the crane in the parking lot.

308. They would need a crane to bring in the other crane,

309. - so we just— we couldn't afford it. - Okay.

310. Tell Lonny that I need playback ready at all times.

311. Now that I'm in the video, I can't see what's being shot.

312. Or you could just trust me.

313. - Don't do that. Joo! Coffee for Joo!

314. Joo. Coffee for Joo.

315. There you go, Joo.

316. Sam! Coffee for Sam!

317. All right, places, everyone! Thank you.

318. Getting ready to shoot.

319. - Hi. - Hi.

320. - So sorry. - Why are we showing Matt pick me up?

321. - I thought it was about us. - Uh, it is.

322. Like, it's just about context and, you know,

323. like, really getting the full scope of it.

324. All right, everybody!

325. Can I have background back to one

326. and we're gonna roll camera!

327. Car should arrive at "cocksucker."

328. - The lyric "cocksucker." - Can you do me a favor

329. and cue the car at "cocksucker," please?

330. - What? - No, it should arrive on "cocksucker."

331. - Uh, make sure it arrives... - Can I have last looks for my hair?

332. Emma, how does my hair look in frame right now?

333. We're on your feet.

334. Right.

335. I just think that it's not a wide enough shot. Like...

336. Oh, my God, I can't stop reading these.

337. (gasps) "Dear Boobie Boobois,

338. "going to the mall won't be the same without you,

339. but Mr. Tobayashi sends his best."

340. Mr. Tobayashi. Do you still have him?

341. I don't know, but hang on, I'm just, like, DM'ing Iverson.

342. Can you look for Mr. Tobayashi, please?

343. - Please? (chuckles) - Yeah. Yes, yes.

344. Mom? Where's Tobayashi kept?

345. - (whispers): Yes. - Uh, ooh.

346. Probably in the closet, I think.

347. Oh, where are you, Tobayashi?

348. Oh! I found him.

349. He was eating his chips.

350. - There he is. Tobayashi. - There he goes.

351. - I cannot believe you kept all this stuff. - Yeah.

352. I mean, this period of time had a profound impact on me.

353. But we evolve, you know?

354. Did I tell you that I was dating Doja Cat for a little while?

355. Which one is Doja Cat?

356. Doja Cat, like, she's made of milk.

357. She's, like, a huge global pop star.

358. It started off really hot and heavy.

359. It's so hard to maintain that level of heat.

360. You know, like, she's always doing her thing,

361. I'm always doing mine.

362. Lifestyles don't always— one sec—

363. like, a-allow for that type of thing.

364. When you're dating someone in the industry,

365. it's, like, not always— What's up, Steph?

366. Your mom is in the bathroom and she's not coming out.

367. What do you mean she's not coming out? She's in this scene.

368. She's got to come out. Can you get her?

369. Well, no, I don't feel comfortable

370. going into the bathroom, it's her house.

371. Okay, one sec, Boobie. Bye, Mr. Tobayashi.

372. What's going on?

373. Dave, Dave, I just got off the phone with Macaroni Grill.

374. We got to be out of there by 8:00 p. m.,

375. 'cause they have to open up the kitchen.

376. - What? They said midnight. - I know.

377. - Well, what are you gonna do? - Did you tell them it was me?

378. Yeah. They did not know who you were, so...

379. Okay, so you're saying I'm still an underdog in my own city?

380. No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is

381. - we need to finish this up. - Dave, where are you going?

382. We're underdogs. It's cool. That's cool.

383. - I like being an underdog. - Where are you going?

384. I'm getting my mom.

385. - Hurry the fuck up. - Okay.

386. - Mom. - (muffled groaning)

387. Oh, Carol.

388. - (Carol retching) - Oh, Carol...

389. Carol, the— oh...

390. Whoa. What is going on in here right now?

391. Your mother ate her hearing aids.

392. She ate her hearing aids?

393. Yeah. She-she took them out,

394. she put them on the table for some reason.

395. To get relief from all the noise.

396. And-and I had some kettle corn that I got from...

397. That he just opened up and put

398. - all over the table. - ... I got it from crafty.

399. And yeah, look.

400. This-this is a several-thousand- dollar problem that we got.

401. - Mom? - Insurance is not gonna cover this.

402. - Yes? - Uh, c-can you vomit out your hearing aids

403. after we shoot this one scene, please?

404. David?

405. There's still tape all over the walls.

406. We just repainted.

407. Okay, I'll tell them to... Just hurry the fuck up, Mom.

408. Dave, do you have any free time?

409. Uh, make playback so accessible,

410. 'cause this is the big scene right here.

411. She's coming, she's coming. Like, let's just do it.

412. She'll be here on her mark by the time we start shooting.

413. Ready to dance?

414. Oh, my God.

415. - (sighs) - I can't believe we are recreating

416. this moment right now. Insane.

417. It is insane. I agree.

418. So, um, when are we gonna have time to actually hang out?

419. Uh, like, beyond what we're doing?

420. I don't know that I will, just 'cause, like,

421. we're gonna wrap late, and then I have to go on tour tomorrow.

422. - Mm-hmm. - And my parents, I need to see...

423. It was a stupid idea, you know?

424. It's actually kind of insane to want

425. - to carve out time with one of my oldest friends. - Okay.

426. I'll— Fine. I will figure out some way after wrap

427. - to, like, stay up all night. - Did you just say "fine"?

428. I don't want to be a "fine." I don't want to be a surrender.

429. No, no surrender at all. I'm excited. Let's hang out.

430. Because I'd love to chitchat about a few things and catch up.

431. - I would like that. Cool. - Me, too.

432. - Cool. You guys good to give it a shot?

433. Yeah. Let's do it. - Okay.

434. Perfect. Okay, lock it up!

435. - I'll be at village. - Okay, roll camera!

436. - Camera set. Set! - Let's do it right.

437. And action!

438. (exhales) No.

439. - Uh... - Oh, my God.

440. Yeah. Too much, I think, right?

441. Stay in it.

442. It doesn't look that bad.

443. Uh...

444. Wow, this...

445. What do you want...

446. Mom, get out.

447. He-he just told me to come in.

448. I couldn't really hear you.

449. I'm in the scene, Mom. Just read the fucking script.

450. Get out! Okay, uh...

451. All right, way too much cum.

452. Cut, cut, cut.

453. What are you d— Are you coming?

454. You said pissing cum.

455. This is way too much cum. I'm not a fucking yak.

456. - You said pissing cum. - I'm trying to get, like, a female demographic

457. - out of this. - That is pissing cum right there.

458. It's supposed to be highbrow and poetic,

459. like, no one's ever cum soft, that's why we're doing it.

460. - Not this. - Well, you didn't tell me that.

461. I don't know what you imagined, but, like, how could you

462. - have imagined this? - Look, I mean, that's not fair.

463. I mean, I worked on this for a long time.

464. It's too much. Whatever it is, it's way too much.

465. I got to look at playback and see if this is even usable.

466. That's all over my floor. David?

467. Where's playback? I got to watch that.

468. David, don't get that on my couch.

469. What is the next scene?

470. It looked less bad on camera

471. than it probably felt in the moment.

472. I have to watch playback because it felt horrible.

473. - This is crazy. - Why can't you just trust me?

474. Emma, I obviously value your opinion, I really do,

475. and I'm trying to make this our thing,

476. but it's still a Lil Dicky video at the end of the day,

477. and it's got to be my thing, it's my life story.

478. I'm sorry. Stop guilting me for looking at the footage.

479. - Hey, we got to watch the playback. - Hey, Dave. Can we talk?

480. - No, we have to watch the footage. - I'm having an issue here.

481. - What? - Okay, listen, um...

482. I-I used to make furniture, okay?

483. Truly beautiful furniture.

484. - Okay. - No, it was my purpose in life,

485. it was my joy, I was really good at it.

486. I-I did Pat Croce's entire living room.

487. What are we talking about right now?

488. As the business grew, so did the pressure.

489. To relieve that pressure, I-I started to huff.

490. - To hu...? - To huff. Huff.

491. Huff. Huff. (inhales sharply)

492. - Oh! - Yeah. Shellac, lacquer.

493. I got a— I got addicted.

494. - Oh. Oh, God. - Okay? I'd huff,

495. - create, huff some more, you know? - Yeah.

496. I smoke weed when I rap. I— You know.

497. Yeah, of all— Did you lose your family? I did.

498. That— No, sorry.

499. - No apologies from you, please. - Okay.

500. Okay? I lost my family, I lost the store.

501. And-and, look, these floors, they've recently been redone.

502. - Fumigation? Yeah. - It's-it's getting bad.

503. So if I stay here, all right, by the end of the night,

504. I'm in a dumpster behind a frame store, digging to get that...

505. You can sleep over. Like, I mean,

506. it's probably bad to sleep over, but, like,

507. you don't have to go to the frame store.

508. - I'll pin you to the bed. - I-I think you're great.

509. - I'm sorry, I got to go. - No, because if you go,

510. I won't be able to watch the footage, and I have no idea

511. - what's going on in the video. - I got to take care of myself.

512. No, please don't go, Lonny. Please don't go.

513. - Hi. - Do you have a...

514. Would you want to blaze?

515. D— No, no.

516. - I would not. - Okay.

517. Boobie! We're gonna give that one more time, okay?

518. Dave! Dave! Dave!

519. Brittany, where are you...?

520. - Cut! Where is she going? - Dave, don't call cut.

521. - We're leaving in two minutes. - Okay.

522. - Oh, no, no. - Let me reset while we get her, please.

523. - No, wait, we got to shoot now, man! We can't go again!

524. hung up on this girl, man. We have no video now, Dave.

525. Yeah, we got 90 seconds or they pull that plug.

526. - Literally. - Okay, well, then bring everyone outside

527. for the Evolution of Man scene.

528. - We'll do it out there. - No, Dave,

529. we don't have permits to shoot outside.

530. Roger, this is Philly.

531. Nobody gives a fuck about permits.

532. Okay, everybody, we're moving outside!

533. Boobie!

534. We're almost finished. Please don't go right now.

535. That's the end of your fucking video?

536. I-I'm not gonna let you make me into a villain, Dave.

537. Are you actually surprised by the contents of this video?

538. Like, I'm just showing what happened that night.

539. Cool, you're just gonna do

540. the exact same thing you always do to me. Great.

541. I should've known that this was where it was gonna go.

542. What are you talking about?

543. You're used to owning me and controlling me

544. and manipulating me and having me do your bidding,

545. - and it's just not that way anymore. - I'm manipulative?

546. - Yeah. - Uh, I came here today to hang out with my friend,

547. and all of a sudden, I'm in a video

548. - where you're making me look like an asshole. - If you feel

549. like an asshole by watching what went down in there,

550. again, I don't know what to tell you.

551. That's just, like, what occurred.

552. You know what I think?

553. What you're actually feeling is the fact

554. that I've moved on from you.

555. Boobie?

556. We just spent a whole day shooting a video about me.

557. It's closure. It's closure.

558. You're clearly not over it.

559. And you left out the biggest fucking detail.

560. What?

561. That we dated for a month after that.

562. One month, Brittany. You gave me one month.

563. Five years of being your absolute best friend,

564. and then what happened?

565. You broke my heart so quickly

566. for another piece of shit older guy.

567. So forgive me for not including that second ending

568. in this video, okay?

569. It fucking killed me.

570. And it really is probably exactly why

571. I am today the way that I am today.

572. This fucking relationship.

573. (laughs): Okay, well, yeah.

574. Uh, it's life, Dave. I don't know what to tell you.

575. I was 16 years old. It was depressing for me, too.

576. I had family problems.

577. I was fucking cutting myself.

578. That sucks.

579. I obviously did not know that.

580. I'm just trying to tell my story.

581. Great, tell your story. That's fine.

582. But I'm not gonna tell it because it's not mine.

583. And I'm not gonna be a prop in your...

584. "female demographic video."

585. Where are you going?

586. (sighs) That's my boyfriend, Dave.

587. We've been dating for three months.

588. But how would you know that, right?

589. 'Cause it's not as interesting as dating Doja Cat.

590. Does he have a pink, thick dick?

591. I really loved you.

592. It doesn't seem to matter to you at all.

593. It... Of... It always will matter.

594. Dave. Dave.

595. There is no time.

596. - Yeah. - We're done.

597. I mean, maybe one setup. I...

598. Tell me what you want to do.

599. Do we have any Brittanys still here?

600. Yes, actually. One. Uh, wardrobe lady's daughter, so...

601. - Which generation is that? - I don't know.

602. Doesn't even matter. Get her camera-ready.

603. I just need, like, five minutes

604. to sit and think about the ending of this video.

605. - Yeah. - 'Cause I have an evolution...

606. Copy that. Okay. Uh, hey, uh, Steph. Um...

607. I have an idea to get it pretty fast in, like, one take.

608. Do you want to see it?

609. Uh, do what you see. I really do trust you.

610. Oh.

611. Okay. Let's go.

612. - Uh, Roger? Yes?

613. Okay. We got one take to do this.

614. Action.

615. Amazing. Cut.