DAVE 3x10

1. But enough about my past, I want to hear about yours.

2. Who was the first guy that you were in love with?

3. Okay. (chuckles) His name was Billy Blum.

4. Was he gorgeous?

5. - So gorgeous. Oh, my God, I was so obsessed - Yeah.

6. - with him. - Sure.

7. Mm. All we ever did was kiss.

8. We tried to keep it a secret,

9. but then we came into school one day,

10. both of us had poison ivy.

11. 'Cause you were rolling around in the ivy with Blum?

12. - Yeah, yeah. - You dog.

13. - In the back 40. - The back 40?

14. - (laughs) Yeah. - What is that, a Canadian phrase?

15. - Yeah. Yeah. - I like that.

16. That was real love.

17. - What about you? - Mm.

18. - Eighth grade. - Mm.

19. - Bus stop. - Mm.

20. Brittany Parker shows up.

21. - Mm-hmm. - Rocks the foundation

22. - of my soul. - (laughs)

23. That's first loves for you, huh?

24. Yeah. I mean...

25. - Mm? - I was

26. beginning to think that that type of love

27. only existed when you were a kid.

28. (whispers): Are we crazy?

29. I don't know, but...

30. I would be crazy

31. one million times over

32. if it meant being crazy with you.

33. And cut. - (buzzer sounds)

34. - That was such a good take. - Yeah.

35. - I fucking felt that one. - Me, too.

36. Hey, was that good for camera?

37. Yeah, good. Okay, cool.

38. - Uh... - Whew.

39. I feel, like, really well covered

40. - with this outro scene. Thank you.

41. What I would love— I know you have a hard out,

42. but before you go, is there any way we could get, like, one more

43. - crack at the verse? - Fuck yeah.

44. - Let's do it. - Okay. Great. All right,

45. we're gonna do the verse and the hook one more time.

46. Reset, everyone. Back to one. Let's change and get to it.

47. Yeah, that's great. Let's do it.

48. Okay, get Brad back to his one, please.

49. All right, and hit it, Peter.

50. Wow.

51. - Woo! Yes! - Fuck yeah.

52. - (grunts) - Love it.

53. Hey, is this creepy and, like, stalker-y

54. in a weird way, or is this cool?

55. Well, it's supposed to be a little bit, right?

56. - Yeah, it's, like, funny. Yeah, yeah.

57. Shit, sorry, my shoe was squeaking on that one.

58. Did I fuck up sound?

59. Oh, we're not even getting sound. It's a music video.

60. (laughs) Right. Right.

61. He's not used to the format.

62. - No, it's okay. Great. Well,

63. that's all you want? That's it? That's just the...

64. - And we're...? - Yeah.

65. I think it's kind of cooler to not overuse you.

66. - Great. - Yeah.

67. - Easiest day I've ever had. - That's smart.

68. - Hey. - Uh-huh?

69. - Thank you for coming. - Uh, we could still...

70. Tell me, are you gonna call

71. Newt or what?

72. Oh, my God, stop harassing me about it.

73. - I will, I will. I just... - You...

74. I just call him and ask him like that?

75. No, no, no, no, no. He only responds to grocery terms,

76. so if you want one, say "carrot."

77. If you want a bunch, say "bananas."

78. Bananas?

79. Newt?

80. Oh... What're we talking about?

81. You are a fucking liar.

82. - I am so fucking with you. - (laughs)

83. - Fucker. Ugh. - Come here.

84. Just tell him what you want. It's all good.

85. Really. Seriously. Trust me. All right?

86. - Okay. All right. - I'm so happy to see you, really.

87. - Okay. I miss you. - Be well.

88. - Okay, you, too. - Thanks. Thanks, everyone.

89. - Yeah, you be great now. Thanks, all.

90. - Okay, it's time. - Very strong bodied.

91. - So... (sighs) - Yeah.

92. Guess that's it, huh?

93. - Okay. - But...

94. I haven't had that much fun on set in literal years.

95. You're— Thank you for getting Brad Pitt

96. to be in my fucking video.

97. - Oh. - And for being here with me and

98. thank you for making my dreams come true.

99. Oh, my God, stop.

100. I would do anything for you...

101. Mr. McAdams.

102. Mm.

103. And let me know how it goes with Robyn.

104. - I know breakups are tough, so call me - Yeah.

105. - if you need me. - Okay.

106. - I got you. - Tell your family I say hi.

107. I will. (laughs) - Uncle Dingo says hi.

108. Bye. - Bye.

109. And on the seventh day,

110. God made Brad Pitt.

111. Thank you so much for being here, man.

112. - You killed it. - Yeah?

113. - Yeah, that syncopated rap shit. - Aw.

114. I wish I could do what you do.

115. Oh, please, I'm sure you could do anything you want.

116. Oh, hardly. (laughs)

117. - No, I bet you could do it all. - No. Well, I'll tell you,

118. I have been toying with the idea

119. of getting into the space.

120. - Oh, cool. Like... - Yeah.

121. Like outer space travel?

122. - Bezos? - The musical space.

123. Ah.

124. Rhythm, beats.

125. Well, hey, I have a whole setup at my house.

126. - You are welcome anytime. I got an iso booth, mic. - Really?

127. - Really? - Yeah, whatever you want.

128. - Come by. - What's your address?

129. It's, uh...

130. 4-5... Do you want to pull your phone out to write it down?

131. I'm good.

132. Oh.

133. It's 4578 Hambeld Street, 91991.

134. I have to do the jingle 'cause I just moved in.

135. - Hey, what kind of windows do you have? - Uh...

136. You can see— They're clear. Is your concern, uh,

137. paparazzi looking in and thinking that we're fucking?

138. - (laughs) Actually... - I have so much ficus if that's your concern.

139. - Not my concern. Not at all. - Okay.

140. I'm getting my windows switched out.

141. I've just become a total window-head.

142. It's a really cool neighborhood. Kegel Michael Key lives...

143. - (phone chimes) - Oh, driver's here.

144. All right, I got to go. I enjoyed that.

145. - What a man. - Dave?

146. - Yeah? - I can take you to your trailer now.

147. - Lead the way. - Cool.

148. Wow, this is crazy.

149. - Congratulations. - Oh.

150. - Brad Pitt, Rachel McAdams. - Yeah.

151. Totally, like, I really grew up idolizing these people,

152. so to have this day, so full circle.

153. - It's awesome. - Yeah.

154. Oh, speaking of full circle,

155. can't believe we're working together. That's wild.

156. What do you mean by that?

157. Have we met?

158. Yeah, in Lubbock, Texas.

159. I went to your show. I gave you a bust of your head.

160. Oh, yeah! What're you doing out here?

161. Well, I'm a P. A.

162. I wanted to break into the industry,

163. and you told me anything was possible, so...

164. - Fuck yeah. Good shit. - Yeah. (chuckles)

165. - It is possible, huh? No what ifs, right? - Yeah, beautiful shit.

166. - No what ifs, that's right. - That's cool.

167. - (chuckles) - So, today must be, like,

168. as surreal for you as it is for me, huh?

169. - Oh, absolutely. - Hey.

170. - I got it from here. Thank you. - Oh.

171. Hey, this is the hard drive from Emma

172. with all the raw footage from the documentary.

173. I don't even know what she shot at this point. I just want to,

174. - like, wrap my head around the footage that... - Don't worry about it.

175. I want to talk to you about schedule next week.

176. Load me up, brother. I am ready.

177. You've been going super hard, Dave, okay?

178. And I know it's a good distraction

179. - from Robyn, but I think maybe, like... - Oh.

180. This has nothing to do with Robyn.

181. These are opportunities I've waited my whole life for, so...

182. She went back to Wisconsin. She thinks I'm a monster

183. who's not looking for love.

184. She doesn't have the right idea about me, so there's nothing

185. - to even process, you know? - Okay.

186. Dude, I've been in the same position

187. a thousand fucking times.

188. Like, trust me, I understand, but for this situation,

189. you know, it's not that crazy. It's not.

190. Is that Drake's guy?

191. - Shh. Who else gets you shit like this, you know?

192. My guy. I'll talk to you later, cutie pie.

193. All right, peace.

194. What'd he say?

195. Um...

196. He's not comfortable with making the ask.

197. Not comfortable making the ask?

198. It's a big ask.

199. It's not a big ask at all. He asks Drake,

200. "Hey, Drake, do you want to do a session with Lil Dicky?"

201. Then Drake decides. It's the easy—

202. It's, like, a sentence-long ask.

203. He's just, like, yo, you're in your lane.

204. - He's in his lane. - (toilet flushes)

205. He pretty much just said that Drake will never

206. do a song with Lil Dicky.

207. Okay, who the fuck is this guy?

208. I don't understand. Like, it's not his job

209. to, like, have an opinion.

210. Bro, you want to get in with that fool,

211. just hit him up direct.

212. I hit him direct.

213. I DM'ed him last week, and he didn't respond.

214. Well, I mean,

215. he could've missed it. I miss DMs all the time.

216. It said "read."

217. - Ooh... - Well... It said "read,"

218. but he could've been, like, drunk and getting, like, head,

219. or I don't know, but it said "read."

220. What'd you say?

221. All I said was "Hey, man."

222. - Ugh. Why? - (Gata laughs)

223. I kept it so neutral.

224. "Hey, man" is, like, the easiest, like,

225. thing to respond to. Just write like, "Hello. Hi." Like, it's—

226. I don't know. I had a whole longer thing written out.

227. I chose not to send it 'cause I didn't want to weird him out.

228. Soon as you say, "Hey, man," it just

229. sound like you about to ask for something.

230. It's just so like, "Hey, man."

231. I knew I should've waited until he was back in Toronto.

232. - He's always traveling. - (whispers): Hey, man.

233. The most annoying part of this entire thing is,

234. I know for a fact, if I hung out with Drake,

235. he would absolutely love me.

236. No doubt in my mind,

237. whatsoever. I've known this, like, ever since I've seen

238. that half-Black, half-Jewish man,

239. that we were destined to be,

240. like, a unit of, like, power and fun.

241. Oh, yeah. But it's all being blocked by this,

242. like, gatekeeper who I'm supposed to care about.

243. It's, like, how do I still have, like,

244. non-believers at this point?

245. What more do I need to achieve?

246. Bruh, stop worrying about Drake, Drake, Drake, Drake.

247. Nigga, you poppin' right now, dawg.

248. You working with movie stars. Brad Pitt,

249. Rachel McDonald. Even me. I'm poppin', too.

250. Mike, let me tell this nigga.

251. No, Gata, it's an NDA.

252. - Can't say anything. - What's he talking about?

253. They're making me the star of Nut Haus, bro.

254. They're retooling around me. They bringing more bitches,

255. extending the shoot, and I got a ball player contract.

256. Like, one of them niggas coming off the bench, bro.

257. I'm about to go crazy at the mall.

258. Like, shut that shit down, dawg.

259. Like, what you need? I got you, bro.

260. Like a iced-out Star of David.

261. I don't want anything, but I think they're, like,

262. milking your shit in the wrong way, Gata,

263. and I don't think you should be

264. the face of Nut— I mean, are you okay with this?

265. Yeah, he's a grown man. He can choose what he wants.

266. And I choose the bag.

267. The whole squad is winning, bro.

268. Fuck it, let me win. This nigga winning.

269. He in love. This nigga Elz is...

270. doing his thing, dude. Like...

271. And I'm so glad you gandered up

272. and faked your death, too, nigga.

273. - That was cold. - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

274. Don't call it that. Why do you still say it that way?

275. God, Gata.

276. Let's just go get a smoothie.

277. This place reminds me of the fucking tour bus.

278. Dave?

279. - Hello? - Hi. You left this.

280. Your hard drive. In your trailer.

281. Oh, shit.

282. All right, hold on, I'll buzz you in.

283. - Hi. - Yeah, you left it

284. - on your couch. - I'm an idiot.

285. Thank you so much. I was probably so preoccupied.

286. Oh, it's all good.

287. - You're the best. - (Bella chuckles)

288. Have a great night, okay?

289. Actually, uh,

290. can I use your bathroom?

291. I just have to drive all the way home

292. to Rancho Cucamonga, and I don't want

293. to piss myself, so...

294. Oh. I don't want that either, come on in.

295. - Cool. - Yeah.

296. What did you say that

297. your name was again? I'm sorry.

298. It's Bella. No "B."

299. No "B"?

300. - How... - I'm just kidding.

301. (laughs) Oh.

302. - Um... - Uh, the bathroom is, like, right up here

303. to the left.

304. Oh, cool. Cool house, by the way.

305. Thank you. Yeah, it's a nice neighborhood.

306. Lin-Manuel Manual lives

307. around...

308. It's my name. It's "#RIPLilDicky" that's trending,

309. not them. I'm gonna have to deal with all the fallout.

310. It's already trending, Dave. Let's just...

311. What's the difference between

312. - doing that right now or... - She filmed this?

313. Man, you're playing

314. with fire here doing this.

315. Why? We didn't do anything.

316. Thanks for that.

317. Uh...

318. Oh, shit. Did you see it?

319. See what?

320. My short film? I put it on your hard drive.

321. Did you go on my hard drive?

322. Well, yeah. How else were you supposed to see my short film?

323. Yeah, but did you, like, go through my shit, or...

324. This is going to sound crazy...

325. but I'm pretty special.

326. Okay.

327. What do you mean by that?

328. I'm the female you.

329. Oh.

330. I'm a full-blown superstar right here in your presence.

331. Cool.

332. And I know, like, you have

333. this insane self-belief too,

334. and that's how you got here.

335. Yes. Okay, yes.

336. So, I just... I couldn't let this opportunity pass me by.

337. No, I get that.

338. I respect that mentality. You got to hustle, so...

339. Yeah. I went to Kent State, so...

340. Golden Eagles.

341. Ka-kaw.

342. I was a slut there, though.

343. Hey, how about I give you my email.

344. - Yeah. - And then you can

345. correspond with me

346. whenever you want, and you'll

347. have access to my thoughts,

348. and we can go back and forth and...

349. Yeah, but you could, like, not answer my email, though.

350. Well, I'm telling you that I'll respond.

351. I'm sorry. I know, with the right opportunity

352. to get to know the real me, that you would know

353. that we're on the same level.

354. You know? And you would never forget me ever again.

355. Yeah.

356. Look, I believe you.

357. You seem incredibly dynamic and cool, and...

358. Yeah.

359. It's just today has been such a long day for me,

360. so...

361. So... what?

362. So...

363. it's time to go.

364. No.

365. What do you mean, "no"?

366. I don't know. No?

367. I mean, you're joking?

368. Why would I joke about that?

369. 'Cause it's an outlandish thing to do.

370. I'm serious. We're the same.

371. I respect and appreciate that,

372. but I do just think that we can talk about this...

373. And I'm saying that you need the opportunity

374. to get to know me to understand

375. the magic that is me.

376. I know, I'm explaining that I will give you that opportunity

377. at a later juncture if we just, like, properly schedule it.

378. But why not take advantage of the opportunity

379. that we have right now in this moment?

380. My schedule's just, like, booked in advance, and I'm so tired.

381. It seems like you're doing absolutely nothing, though.

382. How could you possibly make that assumption?

383. 'Cause there's nobody here and you're just by yourself.

384. That's when I do my best work.

385. I don't believe you.

386. - Well... - (doorbell rings)

387. Hold on.

388. - Holy shit. - Dave, it's Brad.

389. - Uh... - Who is it?

390. Hey, Brad. Uh, I'll buzz you in.

391. Just one sec.

392. - That's Brad fucking Pitt? - (gate buzzes)

393. That is Brad fucking Pitt?

394. - Yeah, it's okay. - Oh, my God.

395. - Hey. - Oh, my God.

396. This... The universe told me to be here.

397. - Did it? - Me and you.

398. Look, I'm not trying to be disrespectful.

399. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - I need you to fucking leave.

400. It's exciting, I get it,

401. but I've been waiting my whole life...

402. Hey.

403. Hey.

404. Is this, uh, glass made of wood?

405. - Uh... - I'm just fucking with you.

406. Looks annealed. It's nice.

407. - Hey, man. - Yeah, hey.

408. - Oh, shit. - I couldn't pass up

409. the opportunity to get into the "stu."

410. Oh, you want to record?

411. Yeah. Hell, yeah.

412. Listen, i... is this a bad time?

413. No.

414. - No. Great time.

415. Great. Hi, I'm Brad.

416. Yeah, hi, I'm... I'm Bella.

417. Uh, I'm sorry, you don't...

418. You don't remember me?

419. - Mmm. - Yeah, we worked on

420. the "Mr. McAdams" shoot together.

421. - I walked you to your trailer... - Oh, my... Oh, my God.

422. I'm so sorry. I-I have this

423. condition, prosopagnosia.

424. I don't remember faces very well.

425. Happens all the time.

426. I did it to Seal.

427. I can only imagine.

428. It's fine, it's just hard to get remembered

429. - in this industry. - Mm.

430. - So, yeah. Yeah. - Okay.

431. Yeah, it's even harder to talk about your diseases, like,

432. publicly like that, so... And, you know,

433. he wants to actually start recording music

434. - for the first time... - (gasps)

435. and I am so honored

436. to be his shepherd in this process,

437. so I can tell you firsthand,

438. like, when I got into it, it was hard to record

439. with, like, extraneous bodies around and whatnot,

440. so I think if we could just

441. have our space, we can finish

442. what we were talking about

443. at a later juncture.

444. Oh, no, I don't want to run anyone off.

445. - No, she was... - Please, please.

446. The more the merrier. Please.

447. Let's-let's do this thing.

448. Like, why not? Yeah.

449. - We're about to jam. - (whispers): Shh, just be fucking normal.

450. Is that Corten?

451. Dave, nice archie. Seriously.

452. (whispering): Yes!

453. Whoa. Oh, my God.

454. Okay.

455. What am I gonna do? Okay, uh...

456. Uh, fuck. (laughs)

457. "What are

458. Brad Pitt's interests?"

459. He likes ceramics, too?

460. Okay.

461. Okay, I think, like... (mutters)

462. A lot of plaster.

463. - (phone chimes) - Okay.

464. Yeah, she, just, like, refuses to leave.

465. I asked her and she wouldn't listen.

466. Hmm. Have you ever dealt with this situation before, Dave?

467. - No. - No?

468. Have you? Like, what is this situation?

469. Um, well, I think you have a stalker.

470. Is that what it is?

471. - Oh, yeah. - I don't know,

472. - I think she's just, like... - Oh, no.

473. like, like she's, like, hyper-ambitious, and, like...

474. No, no.

475. was raised weird or something.

476. No, she's-she's fanatical, die-hard, moves out here.

477. She's just, like,

478. a bit koo-koo-ka-roo, you know?

479. She shows up to your work,

480. now at your house. She wants... (imitates choking)

481. That is true. There's something, like,

482. - really off about her Oh, yeah.

483. She's, like, a little...

484. Hey, s-s-squirt.

485. We were talking about...

486. No, we were... we were riff...

487. on lyrics.

488. Aw. Now I just feel bad.

489. Do you think she heard us call her a stalker?

490. Damn it, I hate when I...

491. - I know, I know. - That sucks to...

492. - Whoa. - What the hell? Hey.

493. - Whoa. - No.

494. Please, stop. Okay?

495. Um... Stop. Please?

496. No, no, no, no.

497. I'm sorry.

498. That was a mistake.

499. I'm so sorry.

500. It's totally not cool.

501. Wow.

502. This was a mistake. I'm...

503. Let's put that behind us, okay?

504. Yeah, it's okay.

505. Those things happen.

506. Let's make some music. Right?

507. (laughs) Whew.

508. Let's make some music.

509. Dave, what's your, uh... What's your, uh,

510. vocal process here? You just jump in there cold,

511. or do you... do you have some diction exercises?

512. - (knocks on glass) - Weak glass.

513. (whispering): Her reality is our reality. Now, do you understand?

514. You know,

515. what is your process, D?

516. It...

517. I get emails.

518. Packs of beats.

519. - Uh-huh. - And then I think attitudinally about...

520. what my attitude is.

521. - Hmm. - And then

522. I'll-I'll smoke weed to...

523. 'cause without it, I'll have too many inhibitions.

524. I would love to blaze with you.

525. You guys should...

526. Yeah, you should. You guys should.

527. We should blaze.

528. Can we, like,

529. the three of us?

530. We'd love your company.

531. All right, well...

532. I'll make us a couple of fires.

533. My dad, my father,

534. they based the character of Milhouse,

535. from The Simpsons, on him.

536. - Yeah. No.

537. He went to high school with Matt Groening.

538. That is cool. That's really cool.

539. Entertainment value just, like, pumps through my heart.

540. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. - You know?

541. So... I'm sorry, I'm just, like, ruining

542. these M&M's like the giant human turd that I am.

543. - I'm sorry. It's okay.

544. You guys aren't, like, still thinking about the gun,

545. are you?

546. Well, I am now.

547. Don't, don't, don't think about it.

548. 'Cause, like, don't feel threatened, okay?

549. I don't even, like, really like guns anyway,

550. so let's just chill out.

551. Maybe we could come up with an icebreaker,

552. like when I used to work at Panera.

553. Like, "When you die,

554. what do you want to be remembered for?"

555. Oh, okay.

556. Give me your phones.

557. Um...

558. Yup.

559. Give me your phones.

560. Okay.

561. But I...

562. What were you saying?

563. I'm sorry, this is just, like, a lot for me socially, so...

564. You know?

565. Uh, all of us. Uh, Brad?

566. There you go.

567. Yeah, that cheeba'll get you, girl. Yup.

568. (sighs) Where was I?

569. - Dave. When you die... - Hmm?

570. what do you want to be remembered for?

571. My artistic greatness, I guess.

572. I don't know, I want to,

573. you know, leave the mark on the world

574. that I always thought I would leave,

575. and, like, prove everyone who ever doubted me wrong.

576. We are literally, like,

577. the exact same person.

578. Really?

579. That's all that's important to you?

580. - Me? - Me?

581. - (chuckles) Okay, okay.

582. You both want to be famous, right?

583. - I am famous. - Yes.

584. I-I can't even go to the pet store

585. to buy gerbil food without...

586. And that startles the animals.

587. - Sure. - Hmm.

588. Yeah, and then I realize I'm just another ape

589. in the zoo.

590. Yeah.

591. Is that what you want to be?

592. You want to be

593. a gerbil dressed up like an ape living in a zoo,

594. hurling your feces 'cause you're so angry?

595. Well, actually,

596. when I was a child,

597. kids at school would say I looked like a gerbil.

598. So I would just, like, scurry around like...

599. You know? (chuckles)

600. I actually just want to, like, show myself

601. that I am who I always thought I was, you know?

602. And I don't want to live my life with "what ifs."

603. That's his motto.

604. Okay, close your eyes.

605. All right, okay. (clears throat)

606. If you perhaps have big regrets,

607. because of maybe some

608. not so savory choices you've made,

609. it's... never too late

610. to change course.

611. What do you see?

612. Okay, um...

613. Why is it, do you think,

614. they bring out the lobster before you eat it...

615. and make you

616. look at it face to face?

617. Hmm?

618. Instacart order's here. Oh, my God.

619. The plaster's ready.

620. Crazy shower, Dave.

621. A bit... brutal.

622. Yeah.

623. See how less dense the material is

624. since you didn't stir it?

625. Yeah, it's a good thing that we

626. whisked it in that bathtub over there.

627. Yeah, you just want to

628. pat it in. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

629. What do I do about the feet?

630. Oh, the feet, yeah. The trickiest part.

631. What you want to do is get down on all fours.

632. Mm-hmm. Now, gently

633. knead it between the toes. Mm-hmm.

634. That's right.

635. Mm-hmm.

636. That's right.

637. You know, the baker, he makes the dough,

638. and he kneads it with loving

639. and kindness, and then he puts it,

640. places it in the oven.

641. Mm-hmm, and then lets nature do its thing. The bread rises

642. to a golden brown...

643. - (mouthing) - Mm-hmm, releases an aroma

644. that we find intoxicating

645. without ever knowing why.

646. Your voice is really calming. Thank you.

647. - (clatters) - Achoo!

648. Sorry, I, uh, just...

649. I sneezed, so...

650. (laughs) It's okay, we're past

651. the pleasantries.

652. Your feet are beautiful.

653. Nice and strong.

654. The toes...

655. Leg work.

656. Frozen Jack for the Titanic.

657. Freeze, freeze, freeze.

658. Freeze right there. S-Stop.

659. I-I will stab... Back up.

660. I swear to God, I'll do it. Fuck you. No!

661. - Uh... - Hey! Whoa!

662. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

663. Hey, how do we know that gun's even loaded?

664. Well, fuck.

665. Fuck.

666. All I wanted to do was just hang out with you guys

667. and you couldn't let me do that,

668. could you? No!

669. God!

670. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.

671. I can't even trust you guys to leave you alone.

672. Uh...

673. Oh, Jesus.

674. You did this, okay?

675. Fuck you guys!

676. First of all,

677. I've been holding it this whole time.

678. Shit.

679. Look it. - Look at it?

680. Yeah.

681. Don't look at me.

682. Don't look. Brad!

683. Look away!

684. - Uh, don't look? - Stop! You did this.

685. The fucking... Fuck!

686. Don't! God!

687. You know what?

688. You're gonna do whatever I say.

689. You're gonna call Sony

690. in order to make my dreams come true, okay?

691. Whatever you need at all times. For sure.

692. I just want to manage expectations, you know,

693. 'cause talent drives everything,

694. which... is...

695. good for you 'cause

696. you have talent, a lot of talent, so...

697. I see the way you guys look at me.

698. - I see it. - We look at you with admiration.

699. But what's so good about you, Dave?

700. Nothing, nothing! Stop, stop, stop, stop!

701. What makes you better than me, David?

702. Nothing, I fucking suck! I fully suck, okay?

703. I'm a piece of shit, I just lost a girl,

704. and I think she thinks I'm a piece of shit,

705. and I'm scared that she's right.

706. That sounds like pussy problems for a little bitch.

707. - Okay, uh... - Huh?

708. I faked my death just to,

709. like, sell more albums

710. and be more famous and successful, okay?

711. I know you saw the hard drive,

712. I know that you saw me talk about it!

713. Please, blackmail me forever, I don't care!

714. I don't care about my career, I just want to live.

715. Please, stop.

716. What? (chuckles)

717. Good job. Give me the hard drive.

718. Give me the hard drive!

719. - Give me the drive. - Okay.

720. Now, we're gonna get

721. some dirt on you.

722. Okay?

723. Do something that'll get you canceled.

724. I don't adhere to those types of social structures,

725. so I don't really...

726. Okay.

727. Okay, I once knew this guy,

728. a white guy, he said he grew up in China,

729. and so he talked like that,

730. and I would make fun of the way he talked.

731. Okay.

732. What accent did he do, Brad?

733. You know, like the... like the... China.

734. Like-like what?

735. Like, you know.

736. Do the accent.

737. - No. - Say it.

738. - He's a white Chinese? No.

739. - Now! - No way.

740. Do the accent.

741. (Asian accent): No!

742. Was that it?

743. No.

744. It was pre-Internet.

745. Yo, LD? You here, bruh?

746. - It's me. Gata. Just...

747. don't... Just don't answer.

748. - He'll go away. Shh!

749. - Oh, shit, I remember the code. No!

750. - (gate buzzes) - No! Fuck!

751. Shh. Okay, you're gonna shut up,

752. and if you say a word, I'm gonna blow his brains out.

753. Understand?

754. Yo, LD, what's up?

755. Oh, shit.

756. Fight Club. Get the fuck out of Dodge.

757. What's up, brother?

758. I-I call everyone "brother."

759. Ah, it's all good. Hey, how you doin'? I'm...

760. That-That's Bella.

761. You know Bella. You met her

762. at the music video shoot.

763. Yeah, of course I met her.

764. She's the one that gave me all the snacks on set.

765. - Yeah. - I was just saying

766. I'm happy to see her still wiggling out here, bro.

767. She wanna be just like you, dawg.

768. She a real one.

769. Look at her vibin'. Come on, dawg.

770. What's up with all of this, though, like?

771. Why it stink like a motherfucker in here?

772. My family friend came by

773. with her newborn and had

774. a bit of an emergency.

775. - (clears throat) You know how babies be.

776. And I said, like, don't change the diaper in front of us,

777. 'cause I hate seeing the baby vagina.

778. 'Cause, like, I don't want to look at it

779. and think, like, "Do I have attraction or not?"

780. And I never do, but I hate having

781. that thought process, but...

782. What?

783. It smells like lemongrass to me.

784. Anyways, where the fuck are my glasses at, bruh?

785. The ones on your head?

786. Ah, shit.

787. I drove 40 minutes over here

788. for these motherfuckers, and they've been on my head

789. the whole time. That's crazy.

790. What y'all got goin' on though, man?

791. You got the fireplace burning, this nigga

792. Brad Pitt up in here.

793. I just came here to make music.

794. Stop it. You make music, too?

795. Aw, you're more amazing than I thought.

796. Bruh, I need that verse, bro. Come on, man.

797. Let me get 16, bruh.

798. It won't take that long. I'll write your shit.

799. Okay.

800. That's what I'm saying, Bella, you gotta go after

801. what you want in life at all costs.

802. - Yeah. - You on the right path, though.

803. Look where you at. You got LD, Brad Pitt.

804. Can't nobody tell you shit.

805. You're right! You're right. I'm gonna win this.

806. - I really had to hear this right now. Hell yeah.

807. Yeah, this is legendary.

808. I am legendary.

809. This is my shit! I'm royalty!

810. I know.

811. - I'm about to skyrocket. (laughs) - (thumping)

812. Can she hear me or no?

813. Don't nod visibly. Don't nod visibly.

814. (whispering): No. No.

815. Okay, okay. Follow my lead, okay?

816. - Uh-huh. - We time this right,

817. we got the numbers, three to one against her.

818. You copy? Don't nod visibly.

819. Copy.

820. Okay. - But I don't know what you mean.

821. Like, I don't particularly want to make this violent.

822. This is your destiny. It's your time.

823. This is your legacy.

824. Like, what you gonna leave behind for your kids?

825. You know what I mean?

826. That's too big of a decision to let somebody else decide.

827. Gata's gonna get us killed, man.

828. He's saying all the wrong type of shit.

829. No, no, no. It's not your day, Dave.

830. It's not your day to die. Say it.

831. Will it. This is on you now, okay?

832. What do I do?

833. You're gonna have to roll this bitch.

834. I don't think we should be making any big moves right now.

835. I think we can really talk her down if we just...

836. He's got her distracted.

837. You have to take her from behind.

838. I can't do this.

839. Grab that gun, and you're gonna

840. turn it on her, you're gonna turn the tables.

841. I'm not a man like that.

842. Do you not understand the beast you're dealing with?

843. No. - This is not a rational human being.

844. I don't know about kids, though,

845. 'cause they're, like, kind of ungrateful, so, you know...

846. - What? - Yeah.

847. I'd do anything for my moms.

848. Yeah, people say that, but what have you actually really

849. done for her? I'm curious, actually.

850. She only understands force.

851. Put that force on her ass, Dave.

852. What's up, Geek Squad?

853. You still setting up over there, or what?

854. - Say what? - Bro, we got Brad

855. in the booth. Don't waste his time.

856. Whoo! Come on, man.

857. We got to get Brad locked in.

858. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm just getting

859. all the levels right, you know.

860. For him, I want to make it crisp.

861. And, like, it's his first time, uh...

862. We got to lock it in, brother!

863. Oh, uh, no, no, no. - Yeah!

864. Yeah.

865. Locked in, man. (laughs)

866. You a fool.

867. I'm crazy.

868. You fucking crazy. Hey, bruh?

869. You gonna play this out the loudspeakers or what?

870. I'm trying to hear it, bro.

871. Are we gonna listen, or...?

872. Play it, bro.

873. (auto- Okay, but I really don't...

874. Oh, shit, that's tight.

875. I know, right? This shit is hard.

876. This a vibe right here, bro. Killing it over there, LD.

877. You are the fucking man, bro.

878. I'm so happy she here, dude.

879. Now!

880. Yeah! Whoo!

881. Go!

882. No!

883. The gun!

884. - Oh! - You idiot!

885. Get the gun!

886. - She's got a bow! - Freeze, Dave!

887. - Okay! Okay! - I will fucking shoot you!

888. No!

889. Shut up!

890. Put that shit down, yo.

891. Oh, my God.

892. Fuck this weak...

893. - Shut up! - ... fucking glass.

894. Why the fuck you let her in here?

895. - Glass... - Brad!

896. Glass, glass.

897. No! Shit! Stop! You don't have to do this, Bella.

898. - Shut up! - Fucking weak

899. glass!

900. Jesus, fuck.

901. No! Fuck!

902. - No! - What the fuck?

903. Oh, no! Gata!

904. Go, Gata. Go, go, go, go.

905. Go, go, go.

906. Ow. Fuck, man.

907. Ow.

908. Close it, close it, close it.

909. Close the door, close the door, close the door.

910. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God.

911. - Bro, what the fuck is going on? - (shushes)

912. Shut the fuck up, Gata. Be quiet. I told you she was

913. fucking crazy, I'm trying to tell you all goddamn night.

914. We got to do something about this right now. Uh, uh, uh...

915. Ah. Okay. Yeah.

916. Bro, what the fuck is that, bro?

917. You gonna Silly String her to death?

918. No, this is bear mace that Robyn left.

919. She's not a bear, bro. You don't got a gun here?

920. It's all right— a gun? I don't believe in guns.

921. - Where is she? - I don't know.

922. I don't know where she is.

923. - What the fuck is that noise? - I think she's out there.

924. - (shouts) - Oh.

925. Oh, it's just a mirror.

926. Okay.

927. - Bro, is this real? - Yeah. What?

928. - Or is this part of Nut Haus? - What?

929. What the fuck? What are you talking about?

930. - Oh, are you pranking me? - No, this is real, man.

931. Dave?

932. (crying): Dave, I'm so sorry.

933. I'm sorry.

934. I just, I just figured

935. that maybe you would really like my short film.

936. I don't know.

937. If you'd watch it.

938. I'm sorry!

939. Dave?

940. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

941. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

942. Ah!

943. Gata, the gun!

944. Oh! Oh, my God!

945. - Hold her down. Get... - Oh, shit.

946. Fuck!

947. Uh, uh...

948. What is on me?

949. Get the gun, get the gun, get the gun.

950. - Do it. - Yeah, bitch! What you gonna do now?

951. - Yeah! Yeah! - Huh?

952. I ain't Brad Pitt, bitch. I will pop your ass.

953. - Brad! - No!

954. Fuck your short film.

955. I just want to hang out. Fuck!

956. (crying): Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

957. Hey, Brad, Brad, Brad,

958. Brad, Brad, you're not gonna die.

959. - This shit fucking hurts. - Yeah, this looks horrific, brutal.

960. - It's horrible. - Fuck, I can't believe she shot you.

961. - I don't want to die, man. - You're not gonna die, Brad.

962. You're not gonna die right now. This is my fault.

963. - Luke? - No, it's Dave, it's Dave.

964. No, my real name is Luke...

965. Pitt.

966. Your name's Luke?

967. - Luke. - Okay.

968. Luke? Uh, everything's gonna be okay.

969. The cops are coming. So just hang on, okay?

970. No, I don't want to die here on this shitty carpet, man.

971. I think you're reacting to the glass on the carpet, but...

972. What does it say on that stupid fucking arrow

973. that's protruding from my chest?

974. Uh, it says the, uh, the "Looking for Love Tour."

975. It's a stage prop that I had on tour, and then I...

976. Cupid, am I right? Fuck.

977. - Dave? - Yes.

978. - Dave. - Yes, Brad.

979. - Luke. - Yes. Luke.

980. Until you love yourself,

981. you can never love another.

982. Man, I love myself too much.

983. That's why I get into these fucking situations, man.

984. No, Dave, then you would be enough.

985. Until you're enough for you,

986. you can never be enough for another.

987. You wouldn't be chasing all this validation.

988. - Trust me, bro. - (sirens approaching)

989. Oh, hey, they're here. They're coming, they're coming.

990. Come on in, come on in.

991. (sighs) Man.

992. I have been thinking about what I want to say to you

993. for a while now.

994. And I know you deserve the best that I have to offer,

995. so, like, I've been really evaluating myself

996. to see if I'm finally ready for this.

997. And I am.

998. - (indistinct chatter) - I really am.

999. - Pop, tell Ava about your skydiving story. - Mm-hmm.

1000. Oh, so, I'm-I'm hurtling towards the Earth,

1001. a-and my, uh, instructor pulls the rip cord,

1002. - but nothing happens. No...

1003. And honestly, I think, deep down,

1004. I've just been scared.

1005. Well, no, tell the Sundance people

1006. Dave is actually now willing to promote it.

1007. It's really exciting.

1008. Scared to put myself out there.

1009. Uh-huh. I truly can't believe we are...

1010. Scared of all my doubts.

1011. And I've been looking for love this entire time

1012. without ever truly loving myself.

1013. Come on. You got to see this. What you think?

1014. But the person I love the most is right in front of me.

1015. - Beautiful. - How you feel about it?

1016. I think it's gorgeous.

1017. It's yours. This house is yours.

1018. What? Honey!

1019. A wise man once told me

1020. that until you can love yourself...

1021. Hey, Mom, hey, Dad. Um, I got some big news.

1022. Uh, I'm starting my own record label.

1023. - ... you won't be able to love anybody else. - Yeah.

1024. (quietly): Uh, I need to borrow some more money, though.

1025. When I close my eyes,

1026. I-I swear I think of the same thing

1027. over and over and over again.

1028. It's you.

1029. It's always been you.

1030. Let's get you out of here.

1031. Hey.

1032. - Hey, how was your flight? - It was a little long.

1033. - (sighs) - Yeah.

1034. - Where is, uh... - Right over there.

1035. - Oh. - Watch your step, watch your step.

1036. Okay. Thank you.

1037. Hey, Drake!

1038. What's up?

1039. Thank you for responding to my DM. I, uh...

1040. I know it was long, but, uh, shooters shoot, right?

1041. - That's what they say. - Yeah.

1042. I apologize for the delay on it, but...

1043. - No. Yeah. - Happy-happy we could connect, for sure.

1044. - All right. - (softly): Yeah.

1045. - Mm-mm. Mm-mm. - Yes, sir. I got you.

1046. - You don't know how long I've waited for this. - (chuckles)

1047. You're here now, though, so...

1048. - Yeah. - Welcome.

1049. - Thank you. - Yeah.

1050. I know that my DM probably, like, sounded crazy and...

1051. my aggression level to getting here might be far-reaching,

1052. but, like, I really am, like... I am a superstar.

1053. I am worthy and I am special.

1054. I appreciate that, but y— when you say it,

1055. it's almost like you have this, like, kind of undertone, like,

1056. there's, like, an auto-tune crying under you.

1057. - Oh. Yeah. - So, like, just tell me again,

1058. like, you're special, but without being like, "Eh, eh."

1059. - I'm a star. Yeah. - Yes. Yeah. Again.

1060. - I'm on your fucking level. I am. - (chuckles): Okay.

1061. - (Drake stammers) - I'm a star!

1062. - I'm a superstar, man. I am. - Yeah.

1063. - I like that. For real, kid. - Yeah.

1064. Let's cook. We're— by the way,

1065. just, like, super intense first combo.

1066. I was go— about to ask if you wanted to eat, but...

1067. - Oh. - ... obviously we went

1068. straight into positive affirmations, so...

1069. Any, like, chance you can, like, teach me how to love myself?

1070. No. That's like a...

1071. Wish we could rewind life. I didn't ask you that.

1072. But the first time that I, like, I heard you and I was like,

1073. "I fuck with this shit."

1074. - Like, I fuck with your... - (exhales)

1075. - I fuck with your shit. - That means the world.

1076. All I ever needed was the opportunity.

1077. Yeah, yeah, no, I have a studio. You want to, like—

1078. I mean, listen, we can listen to beats,

1079. you can play me some shit, like, whatever.

1080. I'd love to make some, like, scorned love, like,

1081. "girl that got away" type shit.

1082. (scoffs) Might have to extend the trip, then.

1083. - (laughs): Let's go. - So much time.

1084. What should I call you, by the way? Dave or Dicky?

1085. Oh.

1086. Um...

1087. Cut, cut.