1. Romeo, Romeo,Copy !req
2. wherefore art thou, Romeo?Copy !req
3. Deny thy father
and refuse they name.Copy !req
4. Or if thou wilt not,Copy !req
5. but-but sworn my love...Copy !req
6. Oh, this is terrible.Copy !req
7. Come on!Copy !req
8. Why are they shushing me?Copy !req
9. It's those apple-johns onstageCopy !req
10. who are butchering the material.Copy !req
11. Please be quiet.Copy !req
12. You're disturbing
the other patrons.Copy !req
13. You scalded me, you jackanape!Copy !req
14. Sir, I've already
asked you to keep it down.Copy !req
15. What clodpole disturbs
the traffic of our stage?Copy !req
16. All right, sir,
it is time for you to make haste.Copy !req
17. You don't tell me what to make!Copy !req
18. Unhand me!Copy !req
19. Throw me out?Copy !req
20. I'll throw you out,
stupid hacks,Copy !req
21. misinterpreting the material.Copy !req
22. It's the Bard,
for crying out loud!Copy !req
23. No respect.Copy !req
24. Sir, there's no loitering here.Copy !req
25. I'm not loitering.
I was thrown out of the theaterCopy !req
26. for having taste, and now
I'm waiting for my friends.Copy !req
27. Well, my friend and his wife.Copy !req
28. Sure, you are.
Listen, sir,Copy !req
29. although I'm concerned with
the plight of the homeless—Copy !req
30. I'm not homeless!Copy !req
31. Then here's
your ticket for loitering.Copy !req
32. - Loitering?
- Move along, sir.Copy !req
33. Don't make me arrest you.Copy !req
34. It's never-ending
with this place.Copy !req
35. Got the cops on the take.Copy !req
36. Why didn't you just go home?Copy !req
37. Because I wanted
to share with youCopy !req
38. how awful I thought
that play was.Copy !req
39. It was awful!Copy !req
40. Why aren't you two angry?
I'm angry!Copy !req
41. I'll admit it wasn't very good,Copy !req
42. but that theater's
kind of sentimental for us.Copy !req
43. Chris took me there
on our first date.Copy !req
44. - And you're still with him?
- Hey.Copy !req
45. I want my money back.Copy !req
46. You didn't spend any money.
We bought your ticket, remember?Copy !req
47. Then I want your money back.Copy !req
48. You have a good night, Dan.Copy !req
49. No chance of that now.Copy !req
50. Hey, Ty, great show tonight.Copy !req
51. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
52. Not as good as me, of course.Copy !req
53. Oh, gross.Copy !req
54. My soda's warm.Copy !req
55. That's the last straw!Copy !req
56. DINNER THEATRE!Copy !req
57. So he's all, "The codpieces
are for actors only,"Copy !req
58. and I'm like, "Shut up."Copy !req
59. I know. It's like, dude,Copy !req
60. don't tell me
how to spend my day off.Copy !req
61. Is this a mask I see before me?Copy !req
62. A suitably menacing maskCopy !req
63. with which to seek revenge.Copy !req
64. I need a cape.Copy !req
65. The actors want a minifridge
in their dressing room.Copy !req
66. You're kidding.Copy !req
67. Well, I guess we have
to give it to them.Copy !req
68. Can't have a theater company
without actors, can we?Copy !req
69. Why, no. No, you cannot.Copy !req
70. Excuse me.
Who are you?Copy !req
71. Uh, no one.Copy !req
72. You know, just some guy
in a mask.Copy !req
73. Carry on.Copy !req
74. He seemed nice.Copy !req
75. Hello.Copy !req
76. I've found a plan
that sets my heart aglow.Copy !req
77. With wicked glee,
my vengeance all too near.Copy !req
78. Without performers,
there can't be a show,Copy !req
79. so one by one,
I'll make them disappear!Copy !req
80. Dan? Is that a—
is that a poem?Copy !req
81. Wait. Do I have
to write a poem now?Copy !req
82. Let's see.Copy !req
83. Trapdoor opens
with a pit of spikes beneath.Copy !req
84. Sandbag falls from the rafter,Copy !req
85. crushing one of them.Copy !req
86. Hold right there, brigand.Copy !req
87. You don't frighten me
with your tomatoes.Copy !req
88. That one was frozen!Copy !req
89. You haven't seen
the last of me!Copy !req
90. Out, damned spot!Copy !req
91. Out, I say!Copy !req
92. Pick up, you runagate.Copy !req
93. Hello.Copy !req
94. We have to make them pay.Copy !req
95. They bruised my face
with frozen produce!Copy !req
96. They are going down!Copy !req
97. Come over right now.Copy !req
98. Nope. I'm on a date.Copy !req
99. - With Elise?
- Yes, Dan.Copy !req
100. You'd rather spend time
with some girlCopy !req
101. than help me get revenge?Copy !req
102. When are you going to grow up?Copy !req
103. Okay, so what's the problem?Copy !req
104. They have ridiculous security.Copy !req
105. I got inside earlier
and was immediately set uponCopy !req
106. by a pack
of rabid Shakespeareans.Copy !req
107. Just give me a boost.Copy !req
108. I think that window's unlocked.Copy !req
109. Hey! Watch it!Copy !req
110. Stupid thing!Copy !req
111. Hang on.
I need better leverage.Copy !req
112. Ow! My thumb!Copy !req
113. What art thee doing
peeking in yon window?Copy !req
114. Mind your own business.Copy !req
115. Do you bite your thumb
at us, sir?Copy !req
116. I... do bite my thumb...Copy !req
117. sir.Copy !req
118. Why are you guys wearing swords?Copy !req
119. You're not even onstage.Copy !req
120. All the world's a stage.Copy !req
121. That's not even
what that quote means.Copy !req
122. Is too.Copy !req
123. Do you bite your thumb
at us, sir?Copy !req
124. Is this guy being serious, Dan?Copy !req
125. Have at thee!Copy !req
126. I am hurt!Copy !req
127. A plague o' both your houses!Copy !req
128. Yeah! Both of 'em!Copy !req
129. - My face hurts.
- You whine too much.Copy !req
130. He hit me in the face
with a sword!Copy !req
131. I was there. You don't hear me
complaining about it.Copy !req
132. Nice mask, Dan. Hey.Copy !req
133. Chris, are you okay?
Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
134. What happened to your face?Copy !req
135. Some actor whipped me
with his fencing foil.Copy !req
136. It's technically called an epee.Copy !req
137. I tell you this so you
don't look stupid for next time.Copy !req
138. After all the times
we've gone to see their plays—Copy !req
139. And you just
let this happen, Dan?Copy !req
140. Hold on.
It wasn't me.Copy !req
141. It was some jerk named Ty.Copy !req
142. An actor?
They wear makeup.Copy !req
143. He had a sword!Copy !req
144. You saw what he did to Chris!Copy !req
145. You weren't there!
You don't know what it was like!Copy !req
146. At the Dinner Theatre?Copy !req
147. There's a lot of shame and rage
packed into those tights.Copy !req
148. I guess I have to do
everything myself.Copy !req
149. Nobody beats my husband
with an epee.Copy !req
150. See? Epee.Copy !req
151. You two wait here.Copy !req
152. Why is everyone
wearing masks today?Copy !req
153. Did I miss an email
or something?Copy !req
154. I still say there's no way
you'll be able to get in.Copy !req
155. Hey, where'd she go?Copy !req
156. You're not supposed
to be in here.Copy !req
157. And who's going to stop me?Copy !req
158. We are.Copy !req
159. Once Elise is done,
she'll let me in,Copy !req
160. and then I can go about my planCopy !req
161. of bringing down the theater
by taking out the actors!Copy !req
162. So, seriously, why are you
still wearing that mask?Copy !req
163. Helps me focus.
Plus I like it.Copy !req
164. Besides, shut up.Copy !req
165. Ch-yeah, ch-yeah.Copy !req
166. Aw, Ty, you make
a very handsome woman.Copy !req
167. - You.
- Aah!Copy !req
168. It's for a role,
why I'm dressed as a woman.Copy !req
169. I'm a fan of your work, Ty...Copy !req
170. your sword work.Copy !req
171. That guy you whipped
across the face, he's mine.Copy !req
172. Security...Copy !req
173. Oh, they're a bit bound
and gagged at the moment.Copy !req
174. One more! Get back!Copy !req
175. Back, I say,
or I'll smite you!Copy !req
176. I've been training
with bladed weaponsCopy !req
177. since I was seven, but, okay,
give it your best shot.Copy !req
178. Ow!
Hey, that hurt.Copy !req
179. Help! Security!Copy !req
180. - Well, that's the end of that.
- What did you do?Copy !req
181. You're probably in better
legal shape if I don't tell you.Copy !req
182. Okay. Fair enough.Copy !req
183. I made this map for you.Copy !req
184. It is complete with diagrams of
the service tunnels, air ducts,Copy !req
185. electrical, plumbing,
structural, everything.Copy !req
186. Phone lines?Copy !req
187. Uh, no.Copy !req
188. Well, it'll have to do.Copy !req
189. You coming?Copy !req
190. I think I'll go home,Copy !req
191. give my face a chance to heal.Copy !req
192. Typical.
Go on, then.Copy !req
193. Elise, thank you.Copy !req
194. I was never here.Copy !req
195. Hey, Ty and I were going
to hit some mini golf.Copy !req
196. You want to join us?Copy !req
197. Oh, thanks, but I can't.Copy !req
198. They said it looks
like rain today.Copy !req
199. - So?
- So I had ear surgery last year,Copy !req
200. and I can't get
my ears wet, ever.Copy !req
201. Yeah? That's weird.Copy !req
202. Well, call me if you
change your mind.Copy !req
203. I'm pretty beat.Copy !req
204. I think I'll take a nap instead.Copy !req
205. Okay.
You want the rest of this?Copy !req
206. Why would I want
the rest of your soda?Copy !req
207. I'll leave it here,Copy !req
208. I'll leave it here,Copy !req
209. you know, just in case.Copy !req
210. The time is nigh.Copy !req
211. But soft, my conscience stirs.Copy !req
212. Nah.Copy !req
213. The foaming!Copy !req
214. It's so horrible, the foam!Copy !req
215. That's got to be the worst caseCopy !req
216. of soda ear I've ever seen.Copy !req
217. I guess you're Hamlet now.Copy !req
218. I wanted it, it's true,Copy !req
219. but not like this.Copy !req
220. No, not like this.Copy !req
221. And who will play Laertes?Copy !req
222. We're short-staffed as it is.Copy !req
223. I mean, sure, it's more
stage time for me, but...Copy !req
224. It's working!Copy !req
225. More actors must meet
their untimely fates.Copy !req
226. Ooh, capes!Copy !req
227. No, that one's wrong.Copy !req
228. You stupid, stuffed mule!Copy !req
229. You nearly stopped my heart!Copy !req
230. Light bulb.Copy !req
231. Wow. At last.Copy !req
232. I'm Hamlet.Copy !req
233. I need a whole new sword.Copy !req
234. Not Hamlety enough.Copy !req
235. Too piratey.
Oh. Yeah.Copy !req
236. I'm sorry. What was that?Copy !req
237. I can't hear you!Copy !req
238. I didn't make a mouth hole!Copy !req
239. Or eyeholes. Ouch.Copy !req
240. It's all right, son.
You're going to be fine.Copy !req
241. I just don't see
how this could happen.Copy !req
242. No? Well, I've seen it
a million times.Copy !req
243. Kids get crazy,
glue stuff to themselves.Copy !req
244. That makes the third
such strange occurrenceCopy !req
245. since this morning.Copy !req
246. Really? I count two.Copy !req
247. Plus Ty, who disappeared.Copy !req
248. That's right.Copy !req
249. You're down to a single actor.Copy !req
250. You'll have to cancel the show.Copy !req
251. Vengeance is mine!Copy !req
252. Did you hear something?Copy !req
253. Only my adoring fans.Copy !req
254. So I'm Hamlet now?Copy !req
255. You're everybody now.Copy !req
256. You're right! I am!Copy !req
257. A one-man show of "Hamlet,"Copy !req
258. with me as the star!Copy !req
259. I've got to go throw up
and run my lines.Copy !req
260. The show's still on?Copy !req
261. With one actor?Copy !req
262. These guys are unstoppable!Copy !req
263. I guess
there's only one solution—Copy !req
264. incite a riot.Copy !req
265. Stay out of the air, Chris.Copy !req
266. Oh, gross.Copy !req
267. You cut my guy in half.Copy !req
268. Did you get the mail today?Copy !req
269. I did. We got some bills,
a lot of junk.Copy !req
270. Oh, and an invitation
came from Dan.Copy !req
271. - Dan?
- Yeah, it's postmarked.Copy !req
272. It was delivered
by an actual mailman.Copy !req
273. Weird!
What did he invite us to?Copy !req
274. A play.Copy !req
275. Tonight's opening night
of "Hamlet."Copy !req
276. Let me guess where.Copy !req
277. Yeah, the Dinner Theatre.Copy !req
278. Of course.Copy !req
279. What's this Dan
wrote right here?Copy !req
280. His penmanship is horrible.Copy !req
281. "Surprise appearance
by the Mata Hari"?Copy !req
282. No, it says,
"With a surprise appearance,"Copy !req
283. and then he wrote,
"Mwah ha ha."Copy !req
284. I got to admit I have
some morbid curiosityCopy !req
285. about what he's up to.Copy !req
286. You want to go?
It is date night.Copy !req
287. I don't know.Copy !req
288. I mean, what if the guy
who whipped me is there?Copy !req
289. I guarantee
you won't run into him.Copy !req
290. - How do you know?
- Let's just call it a hunch,Copy !req
291. a solid "that guy's
bound and gaggedCopy !req
292. on a freighter headed
for Guatemala" hunch.Copy !req
293. You want to get
eviscerated again?Copy !req
294. Why not?Copy !req
295. How bad does
my face look, really?Copy !req
296. It's fine. You can't even see
the mark anymore.Copy !req
297. Oh, good.Copy !req
298. We've had some changes
in the cast.Copy !req
299. "Hamlet" will be
a one-man show tonight.Copy !req
300. Ah! Dude, your face!
I'm going to throw up!Copy !req
301. I'm going to look
like this forever.Copy !req
302. Hey, Chris.Copy !req
303. Over here.
I need your help.Copy !req
304. I'll get us seats.Copy !req
305. Dude, could you walk
any slower?Copy !req
306. Probably. Is there something
I can help you with?Copy !req
307. Of course.Copy !req
308. Wait here
precisely seven minutes.Copy !req
309. Then?Copy !req
310. Set fire to this pile
of trash right here.Copy !req
311. I'm not committing arson
on my date.Copy !req
312. It's not a date.Copy !req
313. You're with your wife.Copy !req
314. Besides, I need a distraction
for my plan.Copy !req
315. I'll think of something else,
all right?Copy !req
316. Give me exactly seven minutes.Copy !req
317. And it is a date!
It's date night!Copy !req
318. You sicken me.Copy !req
319. Bubble, bubble, toil and—Copy !req
320. Dude, you do that every time.
Stop it.Copy !req
321. Look at that!
I can't believe it!Copy !req
322. Wow! That's got to beCopy !req
323. the most distracting thing
I've ever seen!Copy !req
324. It's huge, enormous...Copy !req
325. distracting!Copy !req
326. - You want to check it out?
- Why not?Copy !req
327. Clockwork.Copy !req
328. The food's pretty bad
without my help,Copy !req
329. but even
the most leathery palateCopy !req
330. will balk at soap soup.Copy !req
331. Just to make sure.Copy !req
332. Perfect.Copy !req
333. - Hey, what's going on?
- You missed it. Never mind.Copy !req
334. Well, what a waste of time
that was.Copy !req
335. Yeah. That wasn't
distracting at all.Copy !req
336. Um, you think
we should taste the stew?Copy !req
337. We tasted it before we left.Copy !req
338. What could have happened
in the last two minutes?Copy !req
339. Dan must have tampered
with the food. It's inedible.Copy !req
340. You're right.
It's really bad.Copy !req
341. We of the Shakespeare
Dinner TheatreCopy !req
342. would like
to thank you all for...Copy !req
343. Hey, guys. Check it out.Copy !req
344. Riot in three, two, one...Copy !req
345. Oh, come on!Copy !req
346. You people are eating soap!Copy !req
347. Excuse me, sir!Copy !req
348. Excuse yourself, you hack!Copy !req
349. I'll say my piece
before you take the stage.Copy !req
350. You can'teth be up here.Copy !req
351. Get thee thither anon.Copy !req
352. "Can'teth"?Copy !req
353. This guy doesn't even know
what he's saying!Copy !req
354. Sir, if thou doesn't get off my stage,
I shall be forced to—Copy !req
355. To what,
subject us to bad theaterCopy !req
356. and even worse food?Copy !req
357. Don't sayeth
I didn't warn thou!Copy !req
358. Is it weird that I'm
kind of rooting for Dan now?Copy !req
359. My stomach hurts.Copy !req
360. But I do feel clean inside.Copy !req
361. Have at thou!Copy !req
362. It's, "Have at thee,"Copy !req
363. you beslubbering
canker blossom!Copy !req
364. It is an actor's jobCopy !req
365. to communicate the material
to the audience.Copy !req
366. How can you do thatCopy !req
367. when you don't even know
what the lines mean?Copy !req
368. He's right!Copy !req
369. I haven't understood
a word he's said,Copy !req
370. and I translated "Hamlet"
into EsperantoCopy !req
371. for my senior thesis!Copy !req
372. - You did?
- No. I'm just helping Dan out.Copy !req
373. Is it me, or have you been
acting really weird this week?Copy !req
374. It's you.Copy !req
375. I do so know
what the lines mean.Copy !req
376. Liar! Blackguard! Varlet!Copy !req
377. How dare you interrupteth
my moment in the spotlight?Copy !req
378. How dare you serve us
such awful food? Am I right?Copy !req
379. Yeah, get out of here!Copy !req
380. I have thee now!Copy !req
381. How's that for a taste
of your own indigestible dreck?Copy !req
382. Am I the only oneCopy !req
383. who feels cheated
by these charlatans?Copy !req
384. Are we going
to sit here complacentlyCopy !req
385. while they treat us
like rat-catching rabble?Copy !req
386. I think not!Copy !req
387. That's enough!Copy !req
388. Rise up,Copy !req
389. and we'll send the messageCopy !req
390. that we will
not be treated thusly!Copy !req
391. Come on!
Let's get this guy!Copy !req
392. Rise up, I say,Copy !req
393. and stab him with your spoons!Copy !req
394. Please, someone help me!Copy !req
395. The audience is mad!Copy !req
396. Ow! Stop!Copy !req
397. Hey!
Oh, that hurt a little bit!Copy !req
398. By the way,
your acting's really bad.Copy !req
399. Knock it off!
Ohh! Ohh!Copy !req
400. I've had enough!Copy !req
401. I quit!Copy !req
402. I win!Copy !req
403. At last, sweet victory is mine!Copy !req
404. We better go.
The crowd is turning mean.Copy !req
405. - Fire.
- Bye, Dan!Copy !req
406. Place is on fire!
Great show!Copy !req
407. Who would have thought
an angry mobCopy !req
408. could get so out of hand?Copy !req
409. Good night, sweet
Shakespeare Dinner Theatre.Copy !req
410. May flights of angels
sing thee to thy rest.Copy !req
411. I've made you cry!Copy !req
412. Your theater is burnt!Copy !req
413. It lies in ruin,
plain for all to see!Copy !req
414. And now it seems
your lesson has been learned!Copy !req
415. That should teach you
not to mess with Dan!Copy !req
416. Oh, come on!Copy !req