1. Ah, come on!
Come on! Come on!Copy !req
2. It's 3:00 in the afternoon!
Don't you people have jobs?Copy !req
3. Helicopter Hal here,Copy !req
4. your traffic correspondent.Copy !req
5. Traffic looks really bad
in all directions!Copy !req
6. Ooh!
Look at all that gridlock!Copy !req
7. Now, that's what I call
job security,Copy !req
8. money in my pocket.Copy !req
9. Whoops. Is this thing on?
Am I on?Copy !req
10. Hello?Copy !req
11. Oh, how do all of you know
when I have to pee?Copy !req
12. I just need to get home.Copy !req
13. Aah! You rubberneckers!Copy !req
14. What are you all gawking at?Copy !req
15. What is causing all this delay?Copy !req
16. If somebody broke down,Copy !req
17. get a bulldozer,
push them onto the median,Copy !req
18. and let 'em fend for themselves!Copy !req
19. A sock?
That's the holdup?Copy !req
20. Come on!Copy !req
21. Just keep cool.
Traffic's moving again.Copy !req
22. Soon you'll be home
in your own bathroom!Copy !req
23. Perfect!Copy !req
24. That's all I need!
You son of—Copy !req
25. and you'll be able
to see the crater from space!Copy !req
26. Oh, no! Come on!
Bladder emergency!Copy !req
27. So long, suckers!Copy !req
28. I hate everyone.Copy !req
29. What's the big rush?Copy !req
30. Look, Officer,
I had three large sodasCopy !req
31. while watching a movie
called "Rushing Waters,"Copy !req
32. and the bathroom at the dollar
theater was out of order!Copy !req
33. You may go.Copy !req
34. Thank you.Copy !req
35. What the—Copy !req
36. Oh, give me a break.Copy !req
37. Hey! Shepherd!Copy !req
38. Move the flock out of my way!Copy !req
39. Move it! Oh, no.Copy !req
40. Oh, no.Copy !req
41. Oh, no...Copy !req
42. TRAFFIC!Copy !req
43. Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.Copy !req
44. Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.Copy !req
45. Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone.Copy !req
46. Thank you for calling
the sales offices of—Copy !req
47. Chris, it's Dan. I need help.
Get over here.Copy !req
48. Yeah, that's a big
"No can do."Copy !req
49. - I'm at the office.
- So?Copy !req
50. So I'm working, for money.Copy !req
51. Tell your organ grinder
to give the hurdy-gurdy a rest!Copy !req
52. We have to do something
about the traffic in this town!Copy !req
53. Boy, tell me about it!Copy !req
54. Do you know how long it took me
to get to work today?Copy !req
55. - Why would I care about that?
- You called me.Copy !req
56. Are you coming over or not?Copy !req
57. Not until they sign my time card.Copy !req
58. Forget it!
You're dead to me!Copy !req
59. That seemed
unnecessarily harsh.Copy !req
60. Hey, sweetie!Copy !req
61. Hi, hon!Copy !req
62. Oh.
What's all that?Copy !req
63. I'm developing a nonlethal,
but debilitating chemical weaponCopy !req
64. for an unnamed government agency.
How was work?Copy !req
65. Fine. Nonlethal?Copy !req
66. Yeah. It's an inhalant
that gives the targetCopy !req
67. acute, intense vertigo
for several months,Copy !req
68. thus rendering them unable
to use a weapon effectively,Copy !req
69. but keeping them alive.Copy !req
70. And why are you making it
in our kitchen?Copy !req
71. Officially I never told you this,Copy !req
72. but there was a teensy accident
in the lab today.Copy !req
73. So many mutants.Copy !req
74. Isn't that kind of dangerous
to be mixing chemicalsCopy !req
75. in the kitchen,
I mean, where we eat?Copy !req
76. Yes, it is dangerous.Copy !req
77. You are going to have
to be very careful.Copy !req
78. Oh, great. So I can't
come into our own kitchenCopy !req
79. without worrying I'm going to get
some sort ofCopy !req
80. mind-debilitating illness?Copy !req
81. I'd like you to know this really
stresses me out!Copy !req
82. I mean, I like— oh, no!Copy !req
83. Oh, no! Oh, no!Copy !req
84. I have vertigo!Copy !req
85. I can't stop falling!
I have—Copy !req
86. That was my ice tea.Copy !req
87. Oh, good.Copy !req
88. Maybe you could go out
and get me another one.Copy !req
89. Of course!
Just let me clean this up!Copy !req
90. Don't touch anything.Copy !req
91. - I'll get it.
- Okay!Copy !req
92. Just go.Copy !req
93. Sorry! Road's closed!Copy !req
94. Reproductive harm could result
if you drive on the 101!Copy !req
95. Move along!Copy !req
96. Excuse me. When will
the highway be open again?Copy !req
97. Never! Move along!Copy !req
98. - Never? But—
- I said move it, jerk-face!Copy !req
99. You never listen!Copy !req
100. That's not fair!
You don't even know me!Copy !req
101. Wait...Copy !req
102. Dan?Copy !req
103. Pfft. No.Copy !req
104. - Dan, it's Chris!
- I know who you are!Copy !req
105. What are you doing?Copy !req
106. I'm closing
all the exits on the 101.Copy !req
107. Soon this road will be mine!Copy !req
108. Dan, get in the car.Copy !req
109. - No.
- Dan!Copy !req
110. Whoops. Time to go!Copy !req
111. - Well, that didn't work.
- Of course not!Copy !req
112. You can't just close off
a major highwayCopy !req
113. because you're tired of traffic.Copy !req
114. Stupid police.Copy !req
115. If they didn't have
the law on their side...Copy !req
116. And guns, and numbers.Copy !req
117. Hmm, so you're saying step oneCopy !req
118. is to destroy the police.Copy !req
119. Okay, A: I didn't say that,Copy !req
120. and, B: that sounds
really illegal.Copy !req
121. If you hate traffic,
why don't you just take the bus?Copy !req
122. If I take the bus,Copy !req
123. I'm still in traffic,Copy !req
124. plus I'm on a busCopy !req
125. with rotten-smelling
bus people!Copy !req
126. I take the bus sometimes.Copy !req
127. - Exactly my point, stinko.
- I do not stink!Copy !req
128. You smell like defeat...Copy !req
129. and tea.Copy !req
130. Can I drop you off?
I've got to get back to Elise.Copy !req
131. She's working on a chemicalCopy !req
132. designed to give people vertigo
if they inhale it.Copy !req
133. Why would anyone
inhale it, then?Copy !req
134. It's a weapon.Copy !req
135. Hey, this traffic's not moving.Copy !req
136. - Ohh!
- Let's get the traffic report.Copy !req
137. Everything's backed up!Copy !req
138. You people down there
can't get anywhere,Copy !req
139. but I can go anywhere I want
in my helicopter!Copy !req
140. You look like tiny, little ants
from way up here.Copy !req
141. Oh, wow.
There's a red one!Copy !req
142. I am going to make
that guy pay somehow!Copy !req
143. I promise you that!Copy !req
144. That took a while.Copy !req
145. I ran into Dan,
gave him a lift home.Copy !req
146. Is that your weapon?Copy !req
147. Okay, I know
that sometimes I tell youCopy !req
148. not to eat something
in the refrigerator,Copy !req
149. but this time,
I'm really, really serious.Copy !req
150. Do not open these canisters!Copy !req
151. Okay. I promise
I won't eat your chemicalsCopy !req
152. even if I get hungry.Copy !req
153. - Thank you for calling—
- Chris, where are you?Copy !req
154. You called my work number.
I'm at work.Copy !req
155. Unacceptable.
Get over here now.Copy !req
156. - Nuh-uh.
- What do you mean, "Nuh-uh"?Copy !req
157. Look, you have to respect
the fact that I have a job.Copy !req
158. I don't have to do anything!Copy !req
159. Can't you just let it go?Copy !req
160. And let traffic win?Copy !req
161. Admit defeat? Never!Copy !req
162. Well, I can't leave work.Copy !req
163. Yes, you can!
Just get up and walk out!Copy !req
164. Do it! Do it now!Copy !req
165. Look, I'll be over
around 6:30, okay?Copy !req
166. 7:00 if traffic's bad.Copy !req
167. You know, there's
no personal calls allowed.Copy !req
168. Where have you been?Copy !req
169. I need help with my plan!Copy !req
170. Really, I only need assistance
on the first part.Copy !req
171. I don't mean to criticize,Copy !req
172. but I don't think
that's a very good plan.Copy !req
173. Of course it is!Copy !req
174. If you crush
all the cars in your way,Copy !req
175. you could hurt someone,
and they'd arrest you.Copy !req
176. All right, genius.Copy !req
177. How do you think
I can avoid traffic?Copy !req
178. I can't get a permitCopy !req
179. for my network of tubes
that I wanted to buildCopy !req
180. so I could travel
around the city.Copy !req
181. And my jetpack experiment
failed...Copy !req
182. miserably.Copy !req
183. That's because you tried to build it
out of an old ceiling fan,Copy !req
184. a lawn mower engine,
and a car battery.Copy !req
185. It could have worked.Copy !req
186. Have you thought
about the bus?Copy !req
187. Again?
What is it with youCopy !req
188. and the infernal
public transportation system?Copy !req
189. It's better for the environment,
it's better for traffic,Copy !req
190. and isn't that
your whole thing right now?Copy !req
191. My thing is not joining
a bunch of filthy vagrantsCopy !req
192. on their death wagon.Copy !req
193. All I'm saying is
if more people took the bus,Copy !req
194. there would be
fewer cars on the road,Copy !req
195. and traffic would get better.Copy !req
196. Is it possible that somehow,Copy !req
197. with your pathetic intellect,Copy !req
198. that you actually contributedCopy !req
199. something positive
to this endeavor?Copy !req
200. Okay, it sounds like you just
paid me a compliment,Copy !req
201. but for some reason,
I feel insulted right now.Copy !req
202. You're welcome.Copy !req
203. Hello!Copy !req
204. Welcome to Wally's Hardware
Emporium and Explosives Depot!Copy !req
205. How may I help you?Copy !req
206. Actually, I'm not shopping
for anything today.Copy !req
207. Actually, I'm not shopping
for anything today.Copy !req
208. I just wanted to let you know that
there's some guy down the streetCopy !req
209. who says hacky sack's
not a sport.Copy !req
210. What? Hacky sack
is totally a sport!Copy !req
211. It takes coordination, poise,Copy !req
212. grace, coordination!Copy !req
213. Hey, don't tell me! Tell him!Copy !req
214. Don't think I won't.Copy !req
215. Did you pay for those?Copy !req
216. Quick. Load these up,
but carefully.Copy !req
217. I need to go back and get more
while the cashier's distracted.Copy !req
218. Are you stealing explosives?Copy !req
219. Borrowing!Copy !req
220. We'll bring them back
after we're done using them.Copy !req
221. Oh. Okay.Copy !req
222. Hey, wait!Copy !req
223. I don't feel right about this.Copy !req
224. Look, we both agreeCopy !req
225. that traffic
is out of control, right?Copy !req
226. Right, but I don't see how
we're going to fix the problemCopy !req
227. with stolen explosives.Copy !req
228. That's because
you're shortsighted...Copy !req
229. and you smell.Copy !req
230. Oh, man!Copy !req
231. Oh, man, I am so fired!Copy !req
232. Dan, be careful with those!Copy !req
233. - We'll start at this end.
- Start what?Copy !req
234. Putting the explosives
under the cars.Copy !req
235. Then we'll retreat to a safe distance
and set them off.Copy !req
236. No cars - no traffic!Copy !req
237. That's your plan?
Look, even if you destroyCopy !req
238. every single car
in this dealership,Copy !req
239. you're no closer to your goal.Copy !req
240. Sure, I am!Copy !req
241. But they can always
make more cars!Copy !req
242. I'll admit
it's a temporary solution.Copy !req
243. It's not a solution at all!Copy !req
244. Do you know how many people
there are in this city?Copy !req
245. I don't know. Thousands?Copy !req
246. Dan, there are several million,Copy !req
247. which means you'd have to destroy
hundreds of thousands of carsCopy !req
248. just to make the smallest dent
in the traffic.Copy !req
249. We're going to need
more explosives.Copy !req
250. It's not going to work, Dan.Copy !req
251. This was your idea!Copy !req
252. You said fewer cars
equal less traffic!Copy !req
253. I meant fewer drivers
on the road equals less traffic!Copy !req
254. So you want me to blow up
a bunch of drivers?Copy !req
255. I did not say that!Copy !req
256. Because that seems
a tad extreme.Copy !req
257. Dan, don't blow anything upCopy !req
258. or anyone, seriously!Copy !req
259. Fine! What am I going to do
with all these explosives?Copy !req
260. We should probably
take them back to the store.Copy !req
261. All right.Copy !req
262. Help me put them
back in the car.Copy !req
263. Whoops.Copy !req
264. What did you do?Copy !req
265. I'm not sure, but we should
probably get back...Copy !req
266. way back.Copy !req
267. Dan, what are you doing?Copy !req
268. Seat belts.Copy !req
269. There is a literal ticking
time bomb next to the car!Copy !req
270. We've got to get
out of here now!Copy !req
271. Then I guess you'd better stop
arguing and put your seat belt on.Copy !req
272. It's the carpocalypse!Copy !req
273. Real nice, Dan.Copy !req
274. You almost killed us.
Way to go.Copy !req
275. Almost only counts
in horseshoes and...Copy !req
276. Subject is experiencing
severe vertigo,Copy !req
277. loss of balance.Copy !req
278. Conclusion— total success.Copy !req
279. Helicopter Hal hereCopy !req
280. with a special update
on that giant explosion.Copy !req
281. Fortunately, no one was hurt,Copy !req
282. but the destruction
of the Southland Auto DealershipCopy !req
283. has traffic backed up
on every freeway!Copy !req
284. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
285. Hey, you.
How's Dan doing?Copy !req
286. We didn't blow anything up,
if that's what you're asking.Copy !req
287. It was an accident anyway—Copy !req
288. plus it was Dan's fault.Copy !req
289. Chris, is there something
you want to talk about?Copy !req
290. No!Copy !req
291. Yes.Copy !req
292. You did what?Copy !req
293. Dan, Elise wants to talk to you
about getting me into trouble.Copy !req
294. How can a human being
live like this?Copy !req
295. It's like a giant petri dish!Copy !req
296. I hope Dan
hasn't done anything rash.Copy !req
297. Hello, Chris and Elise.Copy !req
298. If you're watching this,
then my plan has worked.Copy !req
299. I don't like it
when Dan has a plan.Copy !req
300. Chris, a couple of things
you said have given me an idea.Copy !req
301. I'm not going to blow up a bunch
of drivers like you suggested.Copy !req
302. I did not suggest that!Copy !req
303. But when you mentioned
that Elise was developingCopy !req
304. a new chemical weapon,
I realized something.Copy !req
305. I may have said something
about that.Copy !req
306. If the entire city has vertigo,Copy !req
307. they can't very well drive,
can they?Copy !req
308. - Oh, no.
- So thank you for the idea!Copy !req
309. And, Elise,
thank you for creatingCopy !req
310. a nonlethal solution
to my traffic problem!Copy !req
311. That was my laugh of triumph.Copy !req
312. Did you like it?Copy !req
313. Because you are my friends,Copy !req
314. I have soaked
two bath towels in waterCopy !req
315. for you to put over your heads
while I releaseCopy !req
316. the chemical agent
over the city,Copy !req
317. because I care about you guys.Copy !req
318. They're in the toilet.Copy !req
319. - We have to go! Now!
- I didn't mean to tell DanCopy !req
320. about your weaponized
vertigo agent.Copy !req
321. Yeah,
we'll talk about that later!Copy !req
322. Oh, no.Copy !req
323. Yeah, this is
really, really bad!Copy !req
324. We've got to eat all the food
before it spoils!Copy !req
325. Hey,Copy !req
326. where are all
of your canisters full of—Copy !req
327. Oh, right.Copy !req
328. You know, when you think about it,
this is really Dan's fault.Copy !req
329. Yeah, it usually is,
but right nowCopy !req
330. we need to figure out
his delivery method.Copy !req
331. He's got to disperse
the inhalant over the city somehow,Copy !req
332. maybe a crop duster
or something.Copy !req
333. What?Copy !req
334. Helicopter Hal, we meet at last.Copy !req
335. Nice jacket.Copy !req
336. I don't sign autographs, thanks.Copy !req
337. Oh, I'm no fan.Copy !req
338. Ohh... Why?Copy !req
339. That's for making me pee!Copy !req
340. - What?
- You love traffic!Copy !req
341. Well, it is my bread and butter!Copy !req
342. That's 'cause
I can't digest butter!Copy !req
343. Well, how is that my fault?Copy !req
344. You can't just
punch a celebrity.Copy !req
345. I didn't.Copy !req
346. Now get in there
and fly this thing.Copy !req
347. We have a Broken Arrow situation
on our hands.Copy !req
348. Lock in my coordinates.
I need an A1-36.Copy !req
349. So what's an A1-36?Copy !req
350. Uh, work stuff.Copy !req
351. I'm not sure you've ever told me
exactly what you do for a living.Copy !req
352. I know.Copy !req
353. I've prepared this statement.Copy !req
354. - I can't read this.
- Why?Copy !req
355. Journalistic integrity?Copy !req
356. No, you've got the penmanship
of a four-year-old.Copy !req
357. Just put me on the radio!Copy !req
358. Oh, no problem.Copy !req
359. People of Earth,Copy !req
360. this is your Supreme Overlord!Copy !req
361. You know, you'd be funnyCopy !req
362. if you weren't so sad.Copy !req
363. Just fly me
over central Los Angeles!Copy !req
364. You never saw this.
Now stay here.Copy !req
365. - I'm coming with you.
- But you get airsick.Copy !req
366. I don't care! I want to help!
I love you!Copy !req
367. Look at that mess.Copy !req
368. Soon it will just be a memory.Copy !req
369. Hey, what is that thing?Copy !req
370. I don't know.
I've never seen anything like itCopy !req
371. in 20 years
of award-winning journalism.Copy !req
372. Dan, surrender immediately!Copy !req
373. Well, that can't be good.
Evasive action!Copy !req
374. What? No, don't do that!Copy !req
375. Dan, this is your last warning!Copy !req
376. Land the helicopter
and let the minor celebrity go!Copy !req
377. Minor celebrity?Copy !req
378. Did you really not know?Copy !req
379. - Dan!
- Wait!Copy !req
380. We're up too high!
The prevailing wind currentsCopy !req
381. could blow that stuff
all the way to BakersfieldCopy !req
382. if you release it now!Copy !req
383. Aah! Look at the ground!Copy !req
384. It's getting closer!Copy !req
385. Aim for something soft!Copy !req
386. Lucky we were wearing
our seat belts!Copy !req
387. Where are the police?
Famous person in trouble here!Copy !req
388. They're probably
stuck in traffic...Copy !req
389. and you're not famous.Copy !req
390. I'm on the radio,Copy !req
391. FM!Copy !req
392. - Give me your jacket.
- No!Copy !req
393. Give me your jacket!Copy !req
394. - Give me your jacket!
- Stop biting my ear!Copy !req
395. - Get off me!
- Give me—Copy !req
396. - give me your jacket!
- Dan!Copy !req
397. - Oh!
- Dan!Copy !req
398. - Something I can help you with?
- There's one missing!Copy !req
399. Oh, yeah.
I lost my grip on itCopy !req
400. when you tried to kill me!Copy !req
401. I'm going to say this
to you once.Copy !req
402. Do not shout at me.Copy !req
403. Are you kidding?Copy !req
404. What was that all—Copy !req
405. And I'm taking my jacket back.Copy !req
406. Are you okay?Copy !req
407. Hmm... What happened?Copy !req
408. You, uh, fainted.Copy !req
409. Did you get
your chemicals back?Copy !req
410. - All but one.
- Where'd that one go?Copy !req
411. I'm not sure exactly.Copy !req
412. What's going on?
Whoa!Copy !req