1. Grab bags, what a scam.Copy !req
2. They lure you in
with something you like.Copy !req
3. Hmm. Something with
an uplifting message.Copy !req
4. What is this?
Nothing but a hockey almanac,Copy !req
5. "The Maple Pals,"Copy !req
6. "Sgt. Saskatchewan"!Copy !req
7. This is the worst
comic book ever!Copy !req
8. No dark side, no inner rage.Copy !req
9. He doesn't even
have any enemies,Copy !req
10. and politeness
is not a superpower.Copy !req
11. So many maple leaves.Copy !req
12. Can I talk to you
for a minute, sir?Copy !req
13. It's "may I," and no.Copy !req
14. We need your help
to save the Canadian geese.Copy !req
15. I don't even like
American geese!Copy !req
16. One time, a goose bit me
and stole my sandwich!Copy !req
17. I'm sure that's not true.Copy !req
18. Don't you impugn me,
you goose smoocher!Copy !req
19. I say it bit me, like this!Copy !req
20. And this!Copy !req
21. Ugh. Sticky.Copy !req
22. Maple syrup?Copy !req
23. Who's responsible for this?Copy !req
24. CANADA!Copy !req
25. Hey, give us the ball back!Copy !req
26. Ohh! Give me back my son!Copy !req
27. Perfect.Copy !req
28. We don't come
to the park enough.Copy !req
29. This is so peaceful.Copy !req
30. Hello.Copy !req
31. I'm covered in syrup!Copy !req
32. Who is this?Copy !req
33. Get over here right now.Copy !req
34. We're going to war with Canada!Copy !req
35. What's going on with Dan?Copy !req
36. Did he say
something about syrup?Copy !req
37. Yes. He's covered in it.Copy !req
38. Now he wants revenge on Canada.Copy !req
39. Oh, that Dan.
Always covered in something.Copy !req
40. Dan!Copy !req
41. Wait. Don't open the—Copy !req
42. Let's go. You're driving.Copy !req
43. You're not getting in my car
all sticky like that.Copy !req
44. Pocket shower.Copy !req
45. Ahh, so clean
you could eat off me.Copy !req
46. - I'm not going to do that.
- I'm just saying you could.Copy !req
47. - Well, I'm not going to.
- Fine!Copy !req
48. So do we have a plan?Copy !req
49. Of course.
We go to CanadaCopy !req
50. and make them pay
for what they did to me.Copy !req
51. That's not really a plan
so much as a goal.Copy !req
52. Fine! You want a plan?
Here you go.Copy !req
53. Step one, we go to Canada.Copy !req
54. Step two, we make them pay
for what they did to me!Copy !req
55. - Now it's a checklist.
- Would you focus?Copy !req
56. Here's what I know about Canada.Copy !req
57. England and France
had a baby out of wedlock,Copy !req
58. and that baby was Canada.Copy !req
59. Now, as for Canadians...Copy !req
60. first, they drink maple syrupCopy !req
61. directly out of the bottle.Copy !req
62. Second, most Canadians
are at least half bear.Copy !req
63. I don't think they're
actually half bear, Dan.Copy !req
64. What do you know about it?Copy !req
65. Alittle bit, actually...Copy !req
66. Okay, Prime Minister.
You tell me.Copy !req
67. Canadians thrive
in cold climates.Copy !req
68. They live in the shadow
of a massive glacier,Copy !req
69. blissfully unaware
of the horrific fateCopy !req
70. that would befall them should
the glacier ever collapse.Copy !req
71. Good. That's good.Copy !req
72. Maybe we can use that.
What else?Copy !req
73. You could put a CanadianCopy !req
74. in a lineup with a bunch
of normal people,Copy !req
75. and you wouldn't
be able to tell.Copy !req
76. You have to wait
until they drop "eh"Copy !req
77. or an "aboot" or—
this is a good one.Copy !req
78. They say, "Sory."Copy !req
79. You're right.
Normal people never apologize.Copy !req
80. No, it's not that.
They say, "Sory,"Copy !req
81. to rhyme with "story."Copy !req
82. We say, "Sorry."Copy !req
83. What does that rhyme with?Copy !req
84. Mata Hari?Copy !req
85. Wait. How do you know so much
about Canadians, anyway?Copy !req
86. Nothing. I just, you know—
no reason.Copy !req
87. What are you hiding from me?Copy !req
88. I'm 1/16 Canadian.Copy !req
89. And you never told me?Copy !req
90. It's not my fault.Copy !req
91. My great-great-grandfather
came from Ottawa.Copy !req
92. Are you trying
to sabotage my mission?Copy !req
93. No! I'm as disgusted by Canada
as the next person, honest.Copy !req
94. - Prove it!
- I can't prove it.Copy !req
95. You're going
to have to trust me.Copy !req
96. And if I don't?Copy !req
97. Then you can get to Canada
on your own.Copy !req
98. I don't even know
where Canada is!Copy !req
99. It's north.
You can't miss it.Copy !req
100. Figures you'd know that.Copy !req
101. I suppose if you're
1/16 Canadian,Copy !req
102. you're still
10/16 normal person.Copy !req
103. You're being ridiculous,Copy !req
104. and your math
doesn't even add up.Copy !req
105. I mean, what do you think
the other 5/16 are?Copy !req
106. Goo.Copy !req
107. Oh. Well, good evening, eh?Copy !req
108. Puck-slapping maple-sucker.Copy !req
109. Be quiet.
These guys are tough.Copy !req
110. Because they're half bear.Copy !req
111. So now, what's the purpose
of your visit here to Canada?Copy !req
112. I wish to exact my vengeanceCopy !req
113. upon this blight of a nation!Copy !req
114. Not today.
Sory.Copy !req
115. Unguarded border, my foot.Copy !req
116. This fence looks electrified.Copy !req
117. It can't be. Canadians
don't have the technology yet.Copy !req
118. I can't— ohh—Copy !req
119. believe he just— yaah—Copy !req
120. picked up my car
with his— aah—Copy !req
121. - bare hands.
- Just hurry.Copy !req
122. Hey, can I use
the rubber gloves?Copy !req
123. I'm getting shocked here.Copy !req
124. No. My hands are cold.Copy !req
125. Canada sucks.Copy !req
126. What kind of a country is this?Copy !req
127. They still have all their trees.
They're like baby teeth.Copy !req
128. The landscape hasn't changedCopy !req
129. since the days
of my great-great-grandfather.Copy !req
130. Hey, did I ever
tell you about him?Copy !req
131. No one wants to hear
your boring story.Copy !req
132. It was 100 years ago.Copy !req
133. So when I say, "No one wants
to hear your boring story,"Copy !req
134. what do you hear?Copy !req
135. It was 100 years ago.Copy !req
136. My great-great-grandfatherCopy !req
137. was a woodsman with a wife
and young son.Copy !req
138. One day, he wandered
into the forest...Copy !req
139. never to be seen again.Copy !req
140. Wow. Great story.Copy !req
141. It's not done.
He comes back.Copy !req
142. You just said,
"never to be seen again."Copy !req
143. Except when he came back.Copy !req
144. You are the worst storyteller
in the world.Copy !req
145. Anyway...Copy !req
146. it was some time later.Copy !req
147. His wife had him declared dead,
and she remarried.Copy !req
148. But then he comes walking
out of the woods again.Copy !req
149. I'm home, eh.Copy !req
150. Where have you been, eh?Copy !req
151. I was hiking
through the mountainCopy !req
152. and fell down a hole.Copy !req
153. Found a weak spot
in the glacier,Copy !req
154. could cause an avalanche
and kill us all.Copy !req
155. Avalanche?Copy !req
156. Don't get your hopes up.
He was crazy.Copy !req
157. I was trapped there for years.Copy !req
158. I had to do unspeakable things
to keep warm.Copy !req
159. - What kind of thi—
- I just said, "unspeakable."Copy !req
160. I'll tell you later
when we're snuggling.Copy !req
161. Well, this is a little awkward.Copy !req
162. I had you declared dead.Copy !req
163. - I'm remarried now, to Skip.
- Hey.Copy !req
164. You couldn't wait for me?Copy !req
165. It's been six years.Copy !req
166. I had to remarry after three.
It's the law, eh.Copy !req
167. Canadian law.Copy !req
168. Stay out of this, Skip.Copy !req
169. They decided
that he could sleep in the barnCopy !req
170. until he figured out
where he was going to go,Copy !req
171. but that night...Copy !req
172. What kind of name is Skip?
Aah!Copy !req
173. Oh, no, eh!Copy !req
174. So you're descended from
a Canadian ax murderer?Copy !req
175. Attempted ax murderer.Copy !req
176. He didn't manage
to kill anyone.Copy !req
177. The family escaped
and moved to the U.S.Copy !req
178. And what happened to your
great-great-grandfather?Copy !req
179. He ran back into the woods,
heading towards the glacier.Copy !req
180. I hate Skip!Copy !req
181. I hate Canada!Copy !req
182. I'll make you all sory!Copy !req
183. You'll see, eh!Copy !req
184. EH!Copy !req
185. Never to be seen again.Copy !req
186. Except when he came back.Copy !req
187. No, this time,
he stayed missing.Copy !req
188. Some say he's still out there
to this day.Copy !req
189. - So he'd be, like, 130.
- About that.Copy !req
190. So he's probably
not still out there.Copy !req
191. Probably not.Copy !req
192. Probably eaten by a yeti.Copy !req
193. He wasn't eaten by a yeti, Dan.Copy !req
194. How do you know?
This country is lousy with yetis.Copy !req
195. Maybe he ran across one.Copy !req
196. Maybe they became friends.Copy !req
197. Maybe he married one.Copy !req
198. My great-great-grandfather
was not a yeti lover!Copy !req
199. Whoa. Whoa,
is that even a thing?Copy !req
200. I thought I was
just messing with you.Copy !req
201. It is a thing...Copy !req
202. a bad, shameful thing.Copy !req
203. Yeti lover.Copy !req
204. Great. Now I've got snow
in my pockets.Copy !req
205. We've got to get
to that glacier.Copy !req
206. Were you listening
to my story?Copy !req
207. My great-great-grandfather
was off his rocker.Copy !req
208. It's like they say,
insanity breeds truth.Copy !req
209. - They don't say that.
- Sure, they do.Copy !req
210. I want to go home.Copy !req
211. Canada makes me feel ursine.Copy !req
212. Can I have a bite
of that sandwich?Copy !req
213. Get your own food!Copy !req
214. We've been marching for days!Copy !req
215. Canada's a big place, Dan.Copy !req
216. In fact,
it's the second-largest—Copy !req
217. "Oh, Canada's a big place, Dan.Copy !req
218. In fact,
it's the second-largest countryCopy !req
219. in land mass."
Blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
220. "Wide variety of climates."Copy !req
221. What?
Are we at the glacier?Copy !req
222. Even better! Ice rink!Copy !req
223. This isn't the plan!Copy !req
224. Triple Axel! Nailed it.Copy !req
225. Okay, you've had your fun.
Now let's go.Copy !req
226. Not yet.
I want to work on my Salchow.Copy !req
227. Unbelievable!Copy !req
228. I'm getting frostbite.Copy !req
229. That's what you get
for derailing the plan.Copy !req
230. You sure this is the most effective
mode of transportation?Copy !req
231. Of course.
These things can run for hours.Copy !req
232. Drat.Copy !req
233. Wait a minute.Copy !req
234. Look!
They spelled "stop" wrong!Copy !req
235. Canadians.Copy !req
236. It's French.
I think we're in Quebec.Copy !req
237. What? I hate Quebec!Copy !req
238. I hate it! I hate it!Copy !req
239. I hate it!Copy !req
240. I HATE IT!Copy !req
241. Whoa. What's this?Copy !req
242. Hmm. I'm beginning
to like their style.Copy !req
243. You are not allowed here.Copy !req
244. Go away.Copy !req
245. Ah! Come in! Come in!Copy !req
246. Come with me, please.Copy !req
247. Oh. Hockey.Copy !req
248. Hockey?Copy !req
249. You're becoming
more Canadian by the second.Copy !req
250. And now please welcome your...Copy !req
251. Toronto Ontarians!Copy !req
252. Hey, I'm drowning, eh.Copy !req
253. For years, we have looked for
the weak spot in the glacier.Copy !req
254. So the weak spot exists!Copy !req
255. Your ancestor
wasn't crazy after all.Copy !req
256. Except for the, you know...Copy !req
257. I'd really like you
to stop doing that.Copy !req
258. We need a more specific map
of the glacierCopy !req
259. to find the ice cave.Copy !req
260. If we get your map,
you'll hurt Canada?Copy !req
261. Yes, it's true!Copy !req
262. Once we tunnel
through the weak spot,Copy !req
263. the glacier will collapse,Copy !req
264. causing a— how you say—
avalanche?Copy !req
265. - Snow tsunami?
- Oui.Copy !req
266. This will ruin springtime
for the whole of Canada!Copy !req
267. Say goodbye to your holiday
on Nova Scotia, Canadians!Copy !req
268. - Wait. Aren't you Canad—
- Dan, no!Copy !req
269. What's this all about?Copy !req
270. The Quebecois
think they're French.Copy !req
271. I see the problem here.Copy !req
272. Okay, you guys are here,Copy !req
273. and all the way over here...Copy !req
274. is France.Copy !req
275. You're just confused
geographically.Copy !req
276. Would you get up?
We're on a mission!Copy !req
277. You landed on my kidneys.Copy !req
278. You, you, you!Copy !req
279. What about me?Copy !req
280. What about my kidneys?Copy !req
281. Stay focused.
We need to find that map.Copy !req
282. All right.
Where to now?Copy !req
283. The Geological Society
of Canada.Copy !req
284. - Where's that?
- No idea.Copy !req
285. Is there such a thing?Copy !req
286. No idea.Copy !req
287. Okay.Copy !req
288. Help me find
a good map of the glacier,Copy !req
289. one with numbers on it
and stuff.Copy !req
290. How about this one?Copy !req
291. Perfect.Copy !req
292. Here we are in the third period.Copy !req
293. It's a riveting game,Copy !req
294. with the score
still tied at zeroCopy !req
295. and both teams still drowning.Copy !req
296. Now to cover our tracks.Copy !req
297. - What are you doing?
- Burning the place down.Copy !req
298. What is it
with you and arson?Copy !req
299. Fire is the cleanser!Copy !req
300. No, Dan, stop it!Copy !req
301. Are those curling brooms?Copy !req
302. Yeah, from, like, 1980.Copy !req
303. Watch the hard bristlesCopy !req
304. on my soft, supple skin!Copy !req
305. Don't you find it weirdCopy !req
306. that the bristles hurt
more than the stick?Copy !req
307. At least they were nice enough
to drop us offCopy !req
308. at the hospital
after they beat us.Copy !req
309. Canadians are polite.
Violent, but polite.Copy !req
310. We should get out of hereCopy !req
311. before they bring us a bill
for millions of dollars.Copy !req
312. They have socialized medicine
up here, Dan.Copy !req
313. They're not gonna charge us.Copy !req
314. Oh! I can't believe
what I'm hearing!Copy !req
315. - Don't take their side!
- Sory.Copy !req
316. Did you just say, "Sory"?Copy !req
317. Huh? No. No.
You're hearing things.Copy !req
318. You did!
You said, "Sory!"Copy !req
319. I did not!Copy !req
320. I've had my doubts
about you from the beginning!Copy !req
321. You've been sabotaging me
this whole time,Copy !req
322. you big, dumb caribou!Copy !req
323. I've been helping you,
you ungrateful hoser!Copy !req
324. Hoser? I knew it!Copy !req
325. You are half bear!Copy !req
326. And I don't need you!
Get out!Copy !req
327. - Fine!
- Fine!Copy !req
328. - Good luck getting home!
- Good luck being stupid!Copy !req
329. Well, good luck—Copy !req
330. You're stupid!Copy !req
331. Dr. Bender
to the medical ward, please.Copy !req
332. Dr. Bender.Copy !req
333. You're holding it upside down.Copy !req
334. I know that!Copy !req
335. Wait a minute. What's this?Copy !req
336. I don't know!
I can't read maps!Copy !req
337. - I've got it!
- What?Copy !req
338. You want to destroy Canada,
follow me.Copy !req
339. I'm taking this stethoscope.Copy !req
340. We've got
a lot of ground to coverCopy !req
341. and not much time to do it.Copy !req
342. Did you know a grizzlyCopy !req
343. will outrun a horse
over short distances?Copy !req
344. No, no. Absolutely not.Copy !req
345. You can talk to bears?Copy !req
346. What did you say?
Were you talking about me?Copy !req
347. It's a bear thing.Copy !req
348. You wouldn't understand.Copy !req
349. - I'm bored.
- Bored?Copy !req
350. We're riding
a grizzly bear up a cliff!Copy !req
351. Yeah, but we're missing
so much good TV.Copy !req
352. What's a "KM"?
Kanadian miles?Copy !req
353. Basically.Copy !req
354. Are we there yet?Copy !req
355. We're here!Copy !req
356. Is that...Copy !req
357. Oh! A frozen mooseburger!
Mmm. Mmm.Copy !req
358. And my great-great-grandfather's
skeleton.Copy !req
359. Mmm. Weird.Copy !req
360. Looks like he spent
the last years of his lifeCopy !req
361. trying to chop through
the weak spot in the glacier.Copy !req
362. At least your family
is good for something,Copy !req
363. helping me.Copy !req
364. - That and ax murder.
- Attempted ax murder.Copy !req
365. Then your family's
only good for one thing.Copy !req
366. Get to chopping.Copy !req
367. That's it! We've found it!Copy !req
368. Wait! I want to do it.Copy !req
369. Don't you growl at me!Copy !req
370. I didn't— aah!Copy !req
371. Oh, come on!Copy !req
372. Chris! Help me!Copy !req
373. Wow! You are half bear!Copy !req
374. I didn't want to do this.Copy !req
375. Bad yeti!Copy !req
376. You're a bad yeti!Copy !req
377. Now apologize
to your Uncle Chris!Copy !req
378. I am not related to a ye—Copy !req
379. I knew this was good
for something.Copy !req
380. Did you see the ring
on that yeti's finger?Copy !req
381. Yeah, it was... family crest.Copy !req
382. What was that?Copy !req
383. I said it had
my family crest on it, okay?Copy !req
384. That's why my family
left Canada.Copy !req
385. I thought it was because
of the ax murder thing.Copy !req
386. Please. Ax murderers
are a dime a dozen up here.Copy !req
387. Every family has at least one.Copy !req
388. No, it was the shame
of being related to a—Copy !req
389. well, to a yeti lover.Copy !req
390. Oh, buddy.Copy !req
391. Just don't.Copy !req
392. Come on, Chris.Copy !req
393. Time to go!Copy !req
394. Ah, eh, the first bud of spring.Copy !req
395. Oh, no, eh!Copy !req
396. Sacre bleu!Copy !req
397. Be careful what you wish for!Copy !req
398. Thousands are still missingCopy !req
399. after the collapse
of the glacier.Copy !req
400. Oh, 102.Copy !req
401. Chris... get over here.Copy !req
402. Make me some soup.Copy !req
403. Who's that?Copy !req
404. Telemarketer.Copy !req
405. I'm going to get you
some more tea.Copy !req
406. Chicken noodle.Copy !req
407. Maybe some beef broth.Copy !req
408. Hello?Copy !req