1. Hey, you kids!Copy !req
2. Either show me your vendor permits
or get out of my spot!Copy !req
3. So, what seems to be
the problem here, mister?Copy !req
4. Yeah, mister.
What's the problem?Copy !req
5. - Quiet, Moose.
- Sorry, boss.Copy !req
6. Hey, kids. I don't mean
to run you out of business,Copy !req
7. but you're kind of in my spot.Copy !req
8. So, I need to run
you out of business.Copy !req
9. Or at least have you move.Copy !req
10. - We were here first.
- Yeah, first.Copy !req
11. - Moose.
- Right, sorry.Copy !req
12. Well, technically, I was here first.Copy !req
13. I live here.
This is where I park.Copy !req
14. Not anymore.Copy !req
15. I— uh...Copy !req
16. I have no answer for that.Copy !req
17. Children, can't live with them,
can't hunt them for sport.Copy !req
18. Hey, mister. Lemonade?Copy !req
19. I don't want any.
I just want to go home.Copy !req
20. Out of the way, irksome urchins.Copy !req
21. I wasn't asking.Copy !req
22. You're going to buy a cup
of lemonade before you can pass.Copy !req
23. Don't you threaten me, kid.
I— ahh!Copy !req
24. - Hey!
- That'll be $1.25.Copy !req
25. $1.25?Copy !req
26. - That's outrageous!
- Pay up!Copy !req
27. Or Large Harold here
will give you the deepest,Copy !req
28. longest-lasting charley horse
you've ever had.Copy !req
29. I call it a Charles horse.Copy !req
30. First of all, I don't carry cash.Copy !req
31. Second of all— ahh!Copy !req
32. You'll pay for this, you hooligans.Copy !req
33. Did you just call us
hooligans?Copy !req
34. Get off me!Copy !req
35. You ankle-biting meatballs!Copy !req
36. - Hello?
- I'm bruised and sticky!Copy !req
37. - Dan?
- Who else?Copy !req
38. Get over here, I have
a major problem with minors.Copy !req
39. "if you know
what's good for you,Copy !req
40. don't mess with
The Lemonade Stand Gang.Copy !req
41. Signed,
The Lemonade Stand Gang."Copy !req
42. Those little beasts!Copy !req
43. LEMONADE STAND GANG!Copy !req
44. Hello? Dan?Copy !req
45. Is everything okay?Copy !req
46. Who is it?Copy !req
47. It's Chris. Who is this?Copy !req
48. Did they see you come up here?Copy !req
49. Well, I bought this
lemonade from them.Copy !req
50. And they are right down-stairs.Copy !req
51. So, probably.Copy !req
52. - Don't drink that poison!
- Hey!Copy !req
53. Hey, nothing. Why are you
supporting those rapscallions?Copy !req
54. Well, they were pretty aggressive,Copy !req
55. but I was quite thirsty anyways,
so, you know, I bought some.Copy !req
56. Aggressive?Copy !req
57. They're a violent gang
of unrepentant thugs.Copy !req
58. They're practically corn children.
Look what they did to my window.Copy !req
59. I'm pretty sure
that was already broken.Copy !req
60. Look at what they did to me!Copy !req
61. My poor tender skin
is all bruised up.Copy !req
62. So, what do you want me to do?Copy !req
63. I want you to go down
there and crush them!Copy !req
64. Crush them with your big,
strong hands.Copy !req
65. Yeah, okay. I'm not going to
assault a group of children.Copy !req
66. They're not children.Copy !req
67. They're a wee,
organized crime...Copy !req
68. organization.Copy !req
69. All right, well, you know,
that's great and all,Copy !req
70. but I have dinner plans
with the wife,Copy !req
71. so, you know... bye.Copy !req
72. Where are you going?Copy !req
73. Get back here, coward!Copy !req
74. Hey, mister.Copy !req
75. - Lemonade?
- No, thanks, buddy.Copy !req
76. - I just bought one, remember?
- I do not.Copy !req
77. Do you remember
this guy buying anything?Copy !req
78. I don't remember nothin', boss.Copy !req
79. Watch your double
negatives, Moose.Copy !req
80. Sorry, boss.Copy !req
81. Okay, kids. This has been fun,
but I have to go.Copy !req
82. Come on, kids.
I— ahh!Copy !req
83. Hey! Look, you can't just bully
people like this, you little hooligan.Copy !req
84. What did you call us?
Dolores!Copy !req
85. Look, why can't you
just leave me alone?Copy !req
86. Hey, honey.
What took you so longCopy !req
87. to get ho—
oh, my gosh! Chris!Copy !req
88. - What happened to your shins?
- I was attacked.Copy !req
89. - Mugged?
- Uh, sort of.Copy !req
90. There are these kids outside Dan's
place who set up a lemonade stand.Copy !req
91. What's funny?Copy !req
92. I'm sorry, it's just—
no, never mind.Copy !req
93. - Sorry, go on.
- Why are you laughing?Copy !req
94. - I can barely walk.
- Nothing is funny.Copy !req
95. Come on.
Tell me what happened.Copy !req
96. Well, Dan said
they attacked him.Copy !req
97. And I didn't believe him at first.Copy !req
98. - Because it's ridiculous?
- Exactly.Copy !req
99. And then when I left his place,Copy !req
100. they tried to force me
to buy another lemonade.Copy !req
101. I said, no, thanks.
And they surrounded meCopy !req
102. and went to town on my shins!Copy !req
103. - Fine. Just make fun.
- Oh, no.Copy !req
104. Sweetheart, I'm sorry,
but you got beat up by kids?Copy !req
105. Not beat up, just kicked a lot!Copy !req
106. Besides, it's not like I'm going
to fight a bunch of children.Copy !req
107. Oh, listen.
Why don't I get you an ice pack?Copy !req
108. It's not funny!Copy !req
109. Come on, war board.
You're supposed to inspire.Copy !req
110. Hi, this is Chris.Copy !req
111. Voice mail?
lnconceivable!Copy !req
112. And I'm not in right now.
Please leave a message.Copy !req
113. Chris, where are you?Copy !req
114. You were supposed
to be here six minutes ago.Copy !req
115. I'm giving you five more minutes
and then we're through!Copy !req
116. Through forever!Copy !req
117. Do you hear me?
Through!Copy !req
118. Some people
are just so inconsiderate.Copy !req
119. I don't want any lemonade!
Just leave me alone!Copy !req
120. Then give us your shoes!Copy !req
121. Officer!
You've got to help me.Copy !req
122. Those kids are chasing me.Copy !req
123. They're extorting the neighborhood
and they physically assaulted me.Copy !req
124. - Is this true, kids?
- No, sir.Copy !req
125. We run a lemonade stand
and he forgot to pay.Copy !req
126. We're trying to raise money
to get surgery for Dolores.Copy !req
127. I'm not well, sir.Copy !req
128. Well, that's just awful.Copy !req
129. And you were trying to steal lemonade
from these sweet little angels?Copy !req
130. I ought to arrest you right now.Copy !req
131. No, you don't understand!Copy !req
132. Move along, sir,
before I move you along.Copy !req
133. Get me?Copy !req
134. Talking to the cops?
Not smart.Copy !req
135. No one likes a tattletale.Copy !req
136. Oh, well, that's, uh—
hey, look!Copy !req
137. Ice cream man!Copy !req
138. See you real soon, mister.Copy !req
139. Hey!
There's no ice cream man!Copy !req
140. 35... 34... 33...Copy !req
141. - Password?
- Just let me in.Copy !req
142. Is that a kid
doing a Chris impression?Copy !req
143. Dan, it's me. They're right
behind me. Please, open up.Copy !req
144. All right, if you're the real Chris,Copy !req
145. do you prefer crispy bacon
or chewy bacon?Copy !req
146. Who cares?
I just love bacon!Copy !req
147. - What took you so long?
- I was attacked again!Copy !req
148. - By those kids, right?
- Who else would be attacking me?Copy !req
149. I don't know. You're pretty
ill-tempered and quick to anger.Copy !req
150. I just assumed you have
lots and lots of enemies.Copy !req
151. Don't give me a hard time.Copy !req
152. I got enough of that from
Elise last night at dinner.Copy !req
153. Well, it's like I always say,
Elise is a jerk.Copy !req
154. She's not a jerk.
And you're missing the point.Copy !req
155. I'm trying to tell you, you were
right about those kids, okay?Copy !req
156. Yeah, they're jerks.Copy !req
157. Don't worry though,
I'm working on a plan.Copy !req
158. - Hey! You're involved!
- What kind of plan?Copy !req
159. - Fear.
- Fear?Copy !req
160. Fear when wielded
by the proper handCopy !req
161. can be a powerful weapon.Copy !req
162. Now, what is the one thingCopy !req
163. all children fear?Copy !req
164. Crazy Aunt Mildred
chained up in the basement.Copy !req
165. Uh, I said all children.Copy !req
166. Oh, clowns.Copy !req
167. Close. Monsters.Copy !req
168. Put this on.Copy !req
169. No. Not again.Copy !req
170. I got most of the ammonia out.Copy !req
171. - That still doesn't—
- You said you were hot.Copy !req
172. Look, we can go back and forth
about who dumped what on whomCopy !req
173. because the labels
were misread in haste,Copy !req
174. or we could get back
at some pint-sized hooligans.Copy !req
175. Your choice.Copy !req
176. This costume is hot.
I'm sweating buckets.Copy !req
177. Quit complaining.Copy !req
178. I still can't believe I have
to be the one in the costume.Copy !req
179. Bigger monsters are scarier.Copy !req
180. Now, climb up there and tell himCopy !req
181. if he doesn't shut down
the lemonade stand,Copy !req
182. you'll drag him
off to Monsterland.Copy !req
183. Do me proud, monster Chris.Copy !req
184. What is it, like 100Вє in here?Copy !req
185. Timmy?Copy !req
186. Just have a little
more homework to do, Mom.Copy !req
187. Homework? It's summertime.Copy !req
188. Yeah, but if I don't finish
my summer reading list,Copy !req
189. I won't be ready for September.Copy !req
190. That's my little prince.Copy !req
191. Well, don't work too hard.
Even overachievers need their sleep.Copy !req
192. Hi, Mrs. Fitzpatrick.
Is Dolores there?Copy !req
193. Thank you.Copy !req
194. Dolores. Timmy.Copy !req
195. I want to talk to you about
the lemonade stand receipts.Copy !req
196. They're short.Copy !req
197. Don't give me that "business
is slow" nonsense.Copy !req
198. You go out there
and you make it happen.Copy !req
199. Otherwise, I'll think
you're skimming.Copy !req
200. You said you would be
a good earner, Large Harold.Copy !req
201. I don't want any more excuses,
I want numbers!Copy !req
202. - Timmy?
- Got to go.Copy !req
203. Come on, Tiger. Those teeth
won't brush themselves.Copy !req
204. What is taking so long?Copy !req
205. He's still not in bed
and I need water.Copy !req
206. We are not deviating
from the plan.Copy !req
207. I'm so dehydrated,
I'm about to pass out.Copy !req
208. Just stick to the plan.Copy !req
209. Dan. Dan.Copy !req
210. I can't take another
minute in this costume.Copy !req
211. I got you "The New Adventures
of Population Control Johnny."Copy !req
212. Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
213. Don't stay up too late.Copy !req
214. Finally.Copy !req
215. So thirsty.Copy !req
216. Timmy?Copy !req
217. Timmy, I told you to go to—Copy !req
218. Mom?Copy !req
219. It's a misunderstanding!Copy !req
220. Never send a Chris
to do a Dan's job.Copy !req
221. lncompetent.Copy !req
222. Stop!Copy !req
223. It's me.
Get everyone together, now.Copy !req
224. You should
be ashamed of yourself.Copy !req
225. Don't worry, I am.Copy !req
226. For many, many reasons.Copy !req
227. It was a simple plan!Copy !req
228. You turned it into some
weird monster streaker thing.Copy !req
229. The costume was sweltering.Copy !req
230. And you wouldn't
let me out of there.Copy !req
231. So, you didn't
accomplish the mission,Copy !req
232. but you did terrorize
an innocent lady in her own home.Copy !req
233. I'm ashamed
to call you my minion.Copy !req
234. I'm not your minion.Copy !req
235. Hello?Copy !req
236. Hey, it's getting late.
Where are you?Copy !req
237. - Uh, nowhere.
- What does that mean?Copy !req
238. Your husband's
a monster streaker!Copy !req
239. - Dan, would you please be quiet?
- What's a monster streaker?Copy !req
240. It's nothing.
Dan, just, uh...Copy !req
241. I did see something on the news
about a guyCopy !req
242. terrorizing the neighborhood
in a monster mask.Copy !req
243. That wasn't me.Copy !req
244. Chris, what's going on?Copy !req
245. It's, well,
it's those kids I told you about.Copy !req
246. The fifth graders?Copy !req
247. They're almost sixth graders.Copy !req
248. Goodnight, Chris.
Put some pants on.Copy !req
249. I know, buddy.Copy !req
250. But, yeah. Let's stop so you
can put your pants on.Copy !req
251. Come on.
We need to plan our next move.Copy !req
252. I'm thinking maybe my next move is
to pretend that this never happened.Copy !req
253. Summer is over soon, the kids
will go back to school and—Copy !req
254. hey, why is your
street deserted?Copy !req
255. This doesn't look good.Copy !req
256. Ow! My foot!Copy !req
257. Let's get inside, quickly!Copy !req
258. Chris, get up!
We've got to get out of here!Copy !req
259. Can't move.
Save yourself.Copy !req
260. No, no man left behind—Copy !req
261. This is the way
I always thought I'd go.Copy !req
262. - Really?
- Well, I mean...Copy !req
263. they're not zombie kids,
but basically.Copy !req
264. Wallets. Now.Copy !req
265. What?
You're mugging us?Copy !req
266. I blame cartoons.Copy !req
267. You come after us,
we come after you.Copy !req
268. You got me?
Wallets!Copy !req
269. Next time you mess with us,
you'll lose more than your money.Copy !req
270. All right, move out.Copy !req
271. This is whyCopy !req
272. I'm never having children.Copy !req
273. They will regret this.Copy !req
274. I don't see how.
They're meaner than us,Copy !req
275. they have no sense
of ethics holding them back,Copy !req
276. and they out-match us
in guerrilla warfare.Copy !req
277. So what?Copy !req
278. You're just going to give up
and go home?Copy !req
279. I didn't say that.
I can't face Elise like this.Copy !req
280. She's already lost respect for me
because I wouldn't beat up children.Copy !req
281. She can be so cruel.Copy !req
282. - So, how do we win?
- Easy, buddy.Copy !req
283. We sink to their level.Copy !req
284. I don't even know
how we do that.Copy !req
285. Wait here until I get my hatchet.Copy !req
286. Destroy it.
Go nuts.Copy !req
287. - But it's a kid's bike.
- Exactly.Copy !req
288. He's going to have to
pick on someone closer to home.Copy !req
289. I mean, he's not going to
walk to our neighborhood.Copy !req
290. I don't know.Copy !req
291. Well, think of his sad little face
when he wakes up tomorrow morningCopy !req
292. and sees what we've done.Copy !req
293. That's just mean.Copy !req
294. Chris, channel your anger.Copy !req
295. Remember how your shins
felt yesterday?Copy !req
296. - Yeah.
- And how did it feel to get run over?Copy !req
297. - Not good.
- And the humiliationCopy !req
298. of being mugged
by an 11-year-old?Copy !req
299. That made me mad!Copy !req
300. Then show it!
Let go, Chris!Copy !req
301. I suggest on that bike.Copy !req
302. Yes.Copy !req
303. Yes, my evil apprentice.Copy !req
304. What have I become?Copy !req
305. You have become
an avatar of Nemesis,Copy !req
306. the Greek goddess
of retribution.Copy !req
307. Welcome to the fraternity,
brother.Copy !req
308. I won't do this anymore.Copy !req
309. - I'm not a monster.
- Fine!Copy !req
310. Drive me around,
I'll do the rest.Copy !req
311. Wienie.Copy !req
312. Only Ninja Dave's makes
lactose-free chocolate chip cookies.Copy !req
313. - Uh-huh.
- What's wrong, buddy?Copy !req
314. - We won.
- We didn't win.Copy !req
315. Not in the moral sense.Copy !req
316. But we won in the practical sense,
which is the only sense that matters.Copy !req
317. Yeah, but they're just kids.Copy !req
318. Even if they are hooligans, I don't feel
good about wrecking their bikes.Copy !req
319. Eh, we taught them a lesson.Copy !req
320. - It takes a village, Chris.
- I don't know.Copy !req
321. How would you like it if someone
destroyed your property?Copy !req
322. I guess you can answer
that question for both of us.Copy !req
323. Hello?Copy !req
324. They did what?Copy !req
325. Seriously?Copy !req
326. The lemonade stand
kids did this?Copy !req
327. I told you they were bad kids.Copy !req
328. They will all disappear.Copy !req
329. No one will ever know
what became of them,Copy !req
330. except maybe in a weapons
factory in North KoreaCopy !req
331. where their tiny hands
will be put to work assembling—Copy !req
332. - Wait, what?
- They destroyed our car.Copy !req
333. Don't you see?
I took the low road with DanCopy !req
334. and look where it got us.Copy !req
335. Maybe you just didn't
take it low enough.Copy !req
336. That's what I've been saying.Copy !req
337. Here's what I've learned
from tonight.Copy !req
338. When you take the low road,
you force the other guy to go lower.Copy !req
339. And that makes you
go lower and so on.Copy !req
340. That's pretty much how it works.Copy !req
341. Whoever goes lowest first wins.Copy !req
342. No, we're better than this.
No more destruction.Copy !req
343. - What?
- I'm not better than this.Copy !req
344. No destruction!Copy !req
345. Fine. Let's give
the baby his bottle.Copy !req
346. This is why the other
boys pick on him.Copy !req
347. Go.Copy !req
348. Go, my minion.Copy !req
349. I'm not your minion.Copy !req
350. Well, well, well.
If it isn't the guy with no car.Copy !req
351. I'm here to make peace.Copy !req
352. We're not interested.Copy !req
353. Yeah, so scram!Copy !req
354. - Moose!
- What?Copy !req
355. How come I don't get
to express my opinions?Copy !req
356. It undermines the dramatic
effect of my statements.Copy !req
357. - Oh.
- Look,Copy !req
358. I tried it Dan's way for a little bitCopy !req
359. and I didn't like
myself very much.Copy !req
360. Huh, we don't like you
much either.Copy !req
361. We've all done things
we regret, haven't we?Copy !req
362. - Nope.
- Uh-uh.Copy !req
363. Uh, I ate a frog once.Copy !req
364. So let's stop treating
each other like enemiesCopy !req
365. and be friends.Copy !req
366. - Ow!
- See, mister, it's like this.Copy !req
367. Life is a zero-sum game.Copy !req
368. If you want something, you have
to take it from someone else.Copy !req
369. That's not true.
You can—Copy !req
370. Ow!
Not my shins again.Copy !req
371. Guys, the shins.Copy !req
372. Ow!
Stop it! Ow!Copy !req
373. Now I've got you!Copy !req
374. Get him!
I want that tape!Copy !req
375. Much better.Copy !req
376. There it is.Copy !req
377. And I'd just like to thank
the wonderful efforts of—Copy !req
378. May I have the floor
for a moment?Copy !req
379. I'm a local resident
who has been terrorizedCopy !req
380. by a group
of juvenile delinquents.Copy !req
381. Here's footage
of The Lemonade Stand GangCopy !req
382. throwing lemonade
on an elderly lady.Copy !req
383. And here's them kicking a citizen
unmercifully in the shins.Copy !req
384. And here's them kicking a citizen
unmercifully in the shins.Copy !req
385. Is that my Timmy?Copy !req
386. And if you look outside right now,
you can see them destroying a car.Copy !req
387. Timmy!
Stop that at once!Copy !req
388. Mom?
Uh, I can explain.Copy !req
389. Is this what
you've been doing?Copy !req
390. Vandalism? Extortion?Copy !req
391. I wondered how your lemonade
stand was making $1,000 a week.Copy !req
392. - Mom.
- Well, no more!Copy !req
393. All that money
is going to charity.Copy !req
394. No!Copy !req
395. - We were set up!
- It was all Timmy's idea!Copy !req
396. I regret nothing!Copy !req
397. I have to say,
Chris, you were right.Copy !req
398. We didn't need
to sink to their level.Copy !req
399. We just needed to get smarter.Copy !req
400. I'm sorry that your car
got wrecked.Copy !req
401. A master chess player knowsCopy !req
402. which piece to sacrifice
and when.Copy !req
403. I heard that Timmy and his goons
got sent off to military school.Copy !req
404. Wait, won't they just come back
even more dangerous?Copy !req
405. Well, I suggested reform school,
but the parents wouldn't go for it.Copy !req
406. Stupid parents.Copy !req
407. They're what's wrong with America.Copy !req
408. Actually, when I was hiding
in the kid's closet,Copy !req
409. I got the sense that his mom
was involved in his lifeCopy !req
410. and really encouraging
him to succeed.Copy !req
411. That's the problem!
My parents had the right idea,Copy !req
412. they let TV raise me.Copy !req
413. And I turned out super-duper.Copy !req
414. Let it go.Copy !req