1. Hey, you kids!
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2. Either show me your vendor permits
or get out of my spot!
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3. So, what seems to be
the problem here, mister?
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4. Yeah, mister.
What's the problem?
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5. - Quiet, Moose.
- Sorry, boss.
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6. Hey, kids. I don't mean
to run you out of business,
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7. but you're kind of in my spot.
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8. So, I need to run
you out of business.
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9. Or at least have you move.
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10. - We were here first.
- Yeah, first.
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11. - Moose.
- Right, sorry.
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12. Well, technically, I was here first.
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13. I live here.
This is where I park.
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14. Not anymore.
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15. I— uh...
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16. I have no answer for that.
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17. Children, can't live with them,
can't hunt them for sport.
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18. Hey, mister. Lemonade?
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19. I don't want any.
I just want to go home.
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20. Out of the way, irksome urchins.
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21. I wasn't asking.
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22. You're going to buy a cup
of lemonade before you can pass.
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23. Don't you threaten me, kid.
I— ahh!
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24. - Hey!
- That'll be $1.25.
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25. $1.25?
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26. - That's outrageous!
- Pay up!
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27. Or Large Harold here
will give you the deepest,
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28. longest-lasting charley horse
you've ever had.
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29. I call it a Charles horse.
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30. First of all, I don't carry cash.
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31. Second of all— ahh!
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32. You'll pay for this, you hooligans.
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33. Did you just call us
hooligans?
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34. Get off me!
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35. You ankle-biting meatballs!
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36. - Hello?
- I'm bruised and sticky!
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37. - Dan?
- Who else?
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38. Get over here, I have
a major problem with minors.
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39. "if you know
what's good for you,
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40. don't mess with
The Lemonade Stand Gang.
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41. Signed,
The Lemonade Stand Gang."
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42. Those little beasts!
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43. LEMONADE STAND GANG!
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44. Hello? Dan?
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45. Is everything okay?
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46. Who is it?
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47. It's Chris. Who is this?
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48. Did they see you come up here?
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49. Well, I bought this
lemonade from them.
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50. And they are right down-stairs.
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51. So, probably.
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52. - Don't drink that poison!
- Hey!
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53. Hey, nothing. Why are you
supporting those rapscallions?
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54. Well, they were pretty aggressive,
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55. but I was quite thirsty anyways,
so, you know, I bought some.
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56. Aggressive?
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57. They're a violent gang
of unrepentant thugs.
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58. They're practically corn children.
Look what they did to my window.
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59. I'm pretty sure
that was already broken.
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60. Look at what they did to me!
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61. My poor tender skin
is all bruised up.
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62. So, what do you want me to do?
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63. I want you to go down
there and crush them!
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64. Crush them with your big,
strong hands.
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65. Yeah, okay. I'm not going to
assault a group of children.
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66. They're not children.
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67. They're a wee,
organized crime...
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68. organization.
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69. All right, well, you know,
that's great and all,
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70. but I have dinner plans
with the wife,
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71. so, you know... bye.
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72. Where are you going?
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73. Get back here, coward!
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74. Hey, mister.
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75. - Lemonade?
- No, thanks, buddy.
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76. - I just bought one, remember?
- I do not.
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77. Do you remember
this guy buying anything?
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78. I don't remember nothin', boss.
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79. Watch your double
negatives, Moose.
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80. Sorry, boss.
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81. Okay, kids. This has been fun,
but I have to go.
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82. Come on, kids.
I— ahh!
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83. Hey! Look, you can't just bully
people like this, you little hooligan.
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84. What did you call us?
Dolores!
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85. Look, why can't you
just leave me alone?
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86. Hey, honey.
What took you so long
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87. to get ho—
oh, my gosh! Chris!
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88. - What happened to your shins?
- I was attacked.
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89. - Mugged?
- Uh, sort of.
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90. There are these kids outside Dan's
place who set up a lemonade stand.
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91. What's funny?
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92. I'm sorry, it's just—
no, never mind.
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93. - Sorry, go on.
- Why are you laughing?
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94. - I can barely walk.
- Nothing is funny.
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95. Come on.
Tell me what happened.
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96. Well, Dan said
they attacked him.
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97. And I didn't believe him at first.
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98. - Because it's ridiculous?
- Exactly.
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99. And then when I left his place,
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100. they tried to force me
to buy another lemonade.
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101. I said, no, thanks.
And they surrounded me
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102. and went to town on my shins!
Copy !req
103. - Fine. Just make fun.
- Oh, no.
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104. Sweetheart, I'm sorry,
but you got beat up by kids?
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105. Not beat up, just kicked a lot!
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106. Besides, it's not like I'm going
to fight a bunch of children.
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107. Oh, listen.
Why don't I get you an ice pack?
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108. It's not funny!
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109. Come on, war board.
You're supposed to inspire.
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110. Hi, this is Chris.
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111. Voice mail?
lnconceivable!
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112. And I'm not in right now.
Please leave a message.
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113. Chris, where are you?
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114. You were supposed
to be here six minutes ago.
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115. I'm giving you five more minutes
and then we're through!
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116. Through forever!
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117. Do you hear me?
Through!
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118. Some people
are just so inconsiderate.
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119. I don't want any lemonade!
Just leave me alone!
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120. Then give us your shoes!
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121. Officer!
You've got to help me.
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122. Those kids are chasing me.
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123. They're extorting the neighborhood
and they physically assaulted me.
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124. - Is this true, kids?
- No, sir.
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125. We run a lemonade stand
and he forgot to pay.
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126. We're trying to raise money
to get surgery for Dolores.
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127. I'm not well, sir.
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128. Well, that's just awful.
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129. And you were trying to steal lemonade
from these sweet little angels?
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130. I ought to arrest you right now.
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131. No, you don't understand!
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132. Move along, sir,
before I move you along.
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133. Get me?
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134. Talking to the cops?
Not smart.
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135. No one likes a tattletale.
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136. Oh, well, that's, uh—
hey, look!
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137. Ice cream man!
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138. See you real soon, mister.
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139. Hey!
There's no ice cream man!
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140. 35... 34... 33...
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141. - Password?
- Just let me in.
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142. Is that a kid
doing a Chris impression?
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143. Dan, it's me. They're right
behind me. Please, open up.
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144. All right, if you're the real Chris,
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145. do you prefer crispy bacon
or chewy bacon?
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146. Who cares?
I just love bacon!
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147. - What took you so long?
- I was attacked again!
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148. - By those kids, right?
- Who else would be attacking me?
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149. I don't know. You're pretty
ill-tempered and quick to anger.
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150. I just assumed you have
lots and lots of enemies.
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151. Don't give me a hard time.
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152. I got enough of that from
Elise last night at dinner.
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153. Well, it's like I always say,
Elise is a jerk.
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154. She's not a jerk.
And you're missing the point.
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155. I'm trying to tell you, you were
right about those kids, okay?
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156. Yeah, they're jerks.
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157. Don't worry though,
I'm working on a plan.
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158. - Hey! You're involved!
- What kind of plan?
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159. - Fear.
- Fear?
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160. Fear when wielded
by the proper hand
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161. can be a powerful weapon.
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162. Now, what is the one thing
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163. all children fear?
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164. Crazy Aunt Mildred
chained up in the basement.
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165. Uh, I said all children.
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166. Oh, clowns.
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167. Close. Monsters.
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168. Put this on.
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169. No. Not again.
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170. I got most of the ammonia out.
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171. - That still doesn't—
- You said you were hot.
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172. Look, we can go back and forth
about who dumped what on whom
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173. because the labels
were misread in haste,
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174. or we could get back
at some pint-sized hooligans.
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175. Your choice.
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176. This costume is hot.
I'm sweating buckets.
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177. Quit complaining.
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178. I still can't believe I have
to be the one in the costume.
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179. Bigger monsters are scarier.
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180. Now, climb up there and tell him
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181. if he doesn't shut down
the lemonade stand,
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182. you'll drag him
off to Monsterland.
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183. Do me proud, monster Chris.
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184. What is it, like 100Вє in here?
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185. Timmy?
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186. Just have a little
more homework to do, Mom.
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187. Homework? It's summertime.
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188. Yeah, but if I don't finish
my summer reading list,
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189. I won't be ready for September.
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190. That's my little prince.
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191. Well, don't work too hard.
Even overachievers need their sleep.
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192. Hi, Mrs. Fitzpatrick.
Is Dolores there?
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193. Thank you.
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194. Dolores. Timmy.
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195. I want to talk to you about
the lemonade stand receipts.
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196. They're short.
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197. Don't give me that "business
is slow" nonsense.
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198. You go out there
and you make it happen.
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199. Otherwise, I'll think
you're skimming.
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200. You said you would be
a good earner, Large Harold.
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201. I don't want any more excuses,
I want numbers!
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202. - Timmy?
- Got to go.
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203. Come on, Tiger. Those teeth
won't brush themselves.
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204. What is taking so long?
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205. He's still not in bed
and I need water.
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206. We are not deviating
from the plan.
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207. I'm so dehydrated,
I'm about to pass out.
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208. Just stick to the plan.
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209. Dan. Dan.
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210. I can't take another
minute in this costume.
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211. I got you "The New Adventures
of Population Control Johnny."
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212. Thanks, Mom.
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213. Don't stay up too late.
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214. Finally.
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215. So thirsty.
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216. Timmy?
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217. Timmy, I told you to go to—
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218. Mom?
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219. It's a misunderstanding!
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220. Never send a Chris
to do a Dan's job.
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221. lncompetent.
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222. Stop!
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223. It's me.
Get everyone together, now.
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224. You should
be ashamed of yourself.
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225. Don't worry, I am.
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226. For many, many reasons.
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227. It was a simple plan!
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228. You turned it into some
weird monster streaker thing.
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229. The costume was sweltering.
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230. And you wouldn't
let me out of there.
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231. So, you didn't
accomplish the mission,
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232. but you did terrorize
an innocent lady in her own home.
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233. I'm ashamed
to call you my minion.
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234. I'm not your minion.
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235. Hello?
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236. Hey, it's getting late.
Where are you?
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237. - Uh, nowhere.
- What does that mean?
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238. Your husband's
a monster streaker!
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239. - Dan, would you please be quiet?
- What's a monster streaker?
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240. It's nothing.
Dan, just, uh...
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241. I did see something on the news
about a guy
Copy !req
242. terrorizing the neighborhood
in a monster mask.
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243. That wasn't me.
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244. Chris, what's going on?
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245. It's, well,
it's those kids I told you about.
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246. The fifth graders?
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247. They're almost sixth graders.
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248. Goodnight, Chris.
Put some pants on.
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249. I know, buddy.
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250. But, yeah. Let's stop so you
can put your pants on.
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251. Come on.
We need to plan our next move.
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252. I'm thinking maybe my next move is
to pretend that this never happened.
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253. Summer is over soon, the kids
will go back to school and—
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254. hey, why is your
street deserted?
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255. This doesn't look good.
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256. Ow! My foot!
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257. Let's get inside, quickly!
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258. Chris, get up!
We've got to get out of here!
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259. Can't move.
Save yourself.
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260. No, no man left behind—
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261. This is the way
I always thought I'd go.
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262. - Really?
- Well, I mean...
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263. they're not zombie kids,
but basically.
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264. Wallets. Now.
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265. What?
You're mugging us?
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266. I blame cartoons.
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267. You come after us,
we come after you.
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268. You got me?
Wallets!
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269. Next time you mess with us,
you'll lose more than your money.
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270. All right, move out.
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271. This is why
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272. I'm never having children.
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273. They will regret this.
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274. I don't see how.
They're meaner than us,
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275. they have no sense
of ethics holding them back,
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276. and they out-match us
in guerrilla warfare.
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277. So what?
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278. You're just going to give up
and go home?
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279. I didn't say that.
I can't face Elise like this.
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280. She's already lost respect for me
because I wouldn't beat up children.
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281. She can be so cruel.
Copy !req
282. - So, how do we win?
- Easy, buddy.
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283. We sink to their level.
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284. I don't even know
how we do that.
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285. Wait here until I get my hatchet.
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286. Destroy it.
Go nuts.
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287. - But it's a kid's bike.
- Exactly.
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288. He's going to have to
pick on someone closer to home.
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289. I mean, he's not going to
walk to our neighborhood.
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290. I don't know.
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291. Well, think of his sad little face
when he wakes up tomorrow morning
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292. and sees what we've done.
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293. That's just mean.
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294. Chris, channel your anger.
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295. Remember how your shins
felt yesterday?
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296. - Yeah.
- And how did it feel to get run over?
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297. - Not good.
- And the humiliation
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298. of being mugged
by an 11-year-old?
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299. That made me mad!
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300. Then show it!
Let go, Chris!
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301. I suggest on that bike.
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302. Yes.
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303. Yes, my evil apprentice.
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304. What have I become?
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305. You have become
an avatar of Nemesis,
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306. the Greek goddess
of retribution.
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307. Welcome to the fraternity,
brother.
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308. I won't do this anymore.
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309. - I'm not a monster.
- Fine!
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310. Drive me around,
I'll do the rest.
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311. Wienie.
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312. Only Ninja Dave's makes
lactose-free chocolate chip cookies.
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313. - Uh-huh.
- What's wrong, buddy?
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314. - We won.
- We didn't win.
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315. Not in the moral sense.
Copy !req
316. But we won in the practical sense,
which is the only sense that matters.
Copy !req
317. Yeah, but they're just kids.
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318. Even if they are hooligans, I don't feel
good about wrecking their bikes.
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319. Eh, we taught them a lesson.
Copy !req
320. - It takes a village, Chris.
- I don't know.
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321. How would you like it if someone
destroyed your property?
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322. I guess you can answer
that question for both of us.
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323. Hello?
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324. They did what?
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325. Seriously?
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326. The lemonade stand
kids did this?
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327. I told you they were bad kids.
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328. They will all disappear.
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329. No one will ever know
what became of them,
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330. except maybe in a weapons
factory in North Korea
Copy !req
331. where their tiny hands
will be put to work assembling—
Copy !req
332. - Wait, what?
- They destroyed our car.
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333. Don't you see?
I took the low road with Dan
Copy !req
334. and look where it got us.
Copy !req
335. Maybe you just didn't
take it low enough.
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336. That's what I've been saying.
Copy !req
337. Here's what I've learned
from tonight.
Copy !req
338. When you take the low road,
you force the other guy to go lower.
Copy !req
339. And that makes you
go lower and so on.
Copy !req
340. That's pretty much how it works.
Copy !req
341. Whoever goes lowest first wins.
Copy !req
342. No, we're better than this.
No more destruction.
Copy !req
343. - What?
- I'm not better than this.
Copy !req
344. No destruction!
Copy !req
345. Fine. Let's give
the baby his bottle.
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346. This is why the other
boys pick on him.
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347. Go.
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348. Go, my minion.
Copy !req
349. I'm not your minion.
Copy !req
350. Well, well, well.
If it isn't the guy with no car.
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351. I'm here to make peace.
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352. We're not interested.
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353. Yeah, so scram!
Copy !req
354. - Moose!
- What?
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355. How come I don't get
to express my opinions?
Copy !req
356. It undermines the dramatic
effect of my statements.
Copy !req
357. - Oh.
- Look,
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358. I tried it Dan's way for a little bit
Copy !req
359. and I didn't like
myself very much.
Copy !req
360. Huh, we don't like you
much either.
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361. We've all done things
we regret, haven't we?
Copy !req
362. - Nope.
- Uh-uh.
Copy !req
363. Uh, I ate a frog once.
Copy !req
364. So let's stop treating
each other like enemies
Copy !req
365. and be friends.
Copy !req
366. - Ow!
- See, mister, it's like this.
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367. Life is a zero-sum game.
Copy !req
368. If you want something, you have
to take it from someone else.
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369. That's not true.
You can—
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370. Ow!
Not my shins again.
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371. Guys, the shins.
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372. Ow!
Stop it! Ow!
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373. Now I've got you!
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374. Get him!
I want that tape!
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375. Much better.
Copy !req
376. There it is.
Copy !req
377. And I'd just like to thank
the wonderful efforts of—
Copy !req
378. May I have the floor
for a moment?
Copy !req
379. I'm a local resident
who has been terrorized
Copy !req
380. by a group
of juvenile delinquents.
Copy !req
381. Here's footage
of The Lemonade Stand Gang
Copy !req
382. throwing lemonade
on an elderly lady.
Copy !req
383. And here's them kicking a citizen
unmercifully in the shins.
Copy !req
384. And here's them kicking a citizen
unmercifully in the shins.
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385. Is that my Timmy?
Copy !req
386. And if you look outside right now,
you can see them destroying a car.
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387. Timmy!
Stop that at once!
Copy !req
388. Mom?
Uh, I can explain.
Copy !req
389. Is this what
you've been doing?
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390. Vandalism? Extortion?
Copy !req
391. I wondered how your lemonade
stand was making $1,000 a week.
Copy !req
392. - Mom.
- Well, no more!
Copy !req
393. All that money
is going to charity.
Copy !req
394. No!
Copy !req
395. - We were set up!
- It was all Timmy's idea!
Copy !req
396. I regret nothing!
Copy !req
397. I have to say,
Chris, you were right.
Copy !req
398. We didn't need
to sink to their level.
Copy !req
399. We just needed to get smarter.
Copy !req
400. I'm sorry that your car
got wrecked.
Copy !req
401. A master chess player knows
Copy !req
402. which piece to sacrifice
and when.
Copy !req
403. I heard that Timmy and his goons
got sent off to military school.
Copy !req
404. Wait, won't they just come back
even more dangerous?
Copy !req
405. Well, I suggested reform school,
but the parents wouldn't go for it.
Copy !req
406. Stupid parents.
Copy !req
407. They're what's wrong with America.
Copy !req
408. Actually, when I was hiding
in the kid's closet,
Copy !req
409. I got the sense that his mom
was involved in his life
Copy !req
410. and really encouraging
him to succeed.
Copy !req
411. That's the problem!
My parents had the right idea,
Copy !req
412. they let TV raise me.
Copy !req
413. And I turned out super-duper.
Copy !req
414. Let it go.
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