Dan Vs.: Season 1, Episode 2

Directed by Bill Kopp

When Dan discovers mysterious scratches on his car, he plots revenge against the only culprit he believes could be responsible... The Wolf-Man.

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1. Today's going to be a good day.

2. Great, there goes breakfast.

3. My foot! Stupid thing!

4. Ow! My foot!

5. Stupid thing!

6. See? I learn.

7. Don't even know why he put that lamp there in the first place.

8. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for?

9. Makes me want to burn down the '70s!

10. Was that an armadillo?

11. I'm going to laugh when you're roadkill.

12. What the—

13. Not my car!

14. Cactus needles?

15. Red dirt?

16. Adobe?

17. NEW MEXICO!

18. Well, let's see. New Mexico became a state on January 6, 1912,

19. making it the 47th state in the Union.

20. - And a Capricorn. - The capital is Santa Fe.

21. Its population is just under two million!

22. State bird is the roadrunner.

23. Elise hates roadrunners.

24. State flower: yucca flower.

25. State song: "O Fair New Mexico," which—

26. Enough already! You're not helping me here!

27. What are its weaknesses?

28. - Uh, weaknesses? - How do I hurt it?

29. Uh... it doesn't say.

30. We need more information.

31. You should go to the library.

32. Fine. Be here in half an hour.

33. Yeah, I kind of have to work today...

34. so I can't—

35. Hello? Dan?

36. None of this is helping!

37. - Shh. - Don't shush me!

38. You don't shush me!

39. Nobody shushes me!

40. Shh.

41. Shh.

42. Well, that's the first time

43. I've ever been thrown out of a library.

44. You get used to it.

45. Now what? You still need information.

46. Don't be stupid! We go to a different library.

47. I need lunch first.

48. - It's 10:00 in the morning! - It's 12:00 somewhere.

49. Hurry up. You're wasting valuable time.

50. Is there a time limit on revenge?

51. There's an old saying—

52. "Revenge is a dish best served immediately."

53. I don't think that's a saying.

54. Hey!

55. Are you going to behave yourself this time?

56. Ouch! What was that for?

57. You talk to me like a child, I pinch a-you.

58. Can you just keep your cool?

59. We'll see.

60. Hey, Magellan, the books are thataway.

61. I want to ask that librarian.

62. Maybe he can help you find what you're looking for.

63. Help us? For free?

64. - That's what they do. - Well, doesn't hurt to try, I guess.

65. - May I help you? - I doubt it.

66. May I help you, sir?

67. Yes. We're looking for information on New Mexico.

68. Right over there between the 900s and the 908s.

69. He's talking in code! Get him!

70. It's not code, Dan!

71. - It's the Dewey Decimal System. - Which is a code!

72. Well, yes, but— but it's a benign one.

73. So he's just talking about books?

74. He is a librarian.

75. Hey, buddy, don't you think we've tried all the normal books?

76. We need some specific information.

77. How do we hurt New Mexico?

78. Why would you want to do that?

79. It's personal.

80. Personal vendettas against states? Sure.

81. Right over there in the do-it-yourself section.

82. Thank you, good sir. I— wait a minute!

83. Drop the attitude, pal! We're customers!

84. I told you this guy couldn't help us.

85. I didn't say that.

86. I can help you, but I want something in return.

87. Aw, I just knew it. Librarians are jerks!

88. Let's hear him out.

89. You see that goon over there?

90. - He's got a new girlfriend. - So?

91. - It's my wife. - Uh, we—

92. you know, we really only came in for a book.

93. You want help with something, I want help with something.

94. And this guy just mulls around your library?

95. Silently mocking me.

96. The gall!

97. I don't think I feel right about this.

98. I mean, isn't this the librarian's business?

99. No, it's perfect!

100. We help someone else get their revenge,

101. and in turn, he helps me.

102. Karma.

103. - Yeah, but— - But nothing. Shut up.

104. - Okay, but I'm not killing anyone. - What?

105. I'm not killing someone for the librarian.

106. - That's a deal-breaker. - You've run over dozens of cyclists.

107. Yeah, but they all lived. And I'm not killing this guy either.

108. And now you tell me?

109. Yeah! Well, I mean,

110. you know, I was going to say something inside, but—

111. - But? - But then I didn't.

112. You're right. I should have.

113. - You should have! - I know. You're right.

114. - So he walks away? - Yeah.

115. I wonder if he knows how lucky he is.

116. I wonder if he knows how lucky we are.

117. Dan, that guy looks hurt!

118. Hey, you date a married woman, you get hit by a bus! Karma!

119. I'm not sure that's how karma works.

120. Consider your back scratched.

121. Not by us specifically.

122. So by that, you mean...

123. All right. You want to know how to hurt New Mexico?

124. He does. I don't really care much either way.

125. "Devils Throne, New Mexico."

126. "Devils Wash Basin, New Mexico.

127. "Devils Highway, New Mexico."

128. - See, Chris? Evil. - That doesn't prove anything.

129. It proves the Devil keeps a bunch of his stuff there.

130. - True. - It gets worse.

131. - Hot air balloons? - Read on.

132. "Each October, Albuquerque is the home

133. to the largest hot air balloon launch

134. in the United States." So?

135. New Mexico is crazy about hot air ballooning.

136. They love it! It's like candy to them!

137. Is that true?

138. Why don't you ask my Masters in Library Sciences?

139. Librarians. You better be right about this.

140. Whoa, check it out.

141. Am I going to make it?

142. Of course you are, son.

143. See? He's fine.

144. So you're going to New Mexico why?

145. Dan wants to disrupt the annual hot air balloon festival.

146. - Because? - New Mexico broke his window.

147. That's completely absurd.

148. Can I come along?

149. Crowbar, hammer, flashlight,

150. survival knife, Brutus,

151. throwing bricks, half a turkey sandwich.

152. That ought to do.

153. Perfect.

154. - All packed? - Shut up.

155. - By the way, Elise is coming with us. - I did not authorize that!

156. - I already told her it was okay. - Unacceptable! She stays!

157. Then I stay and you can go to New Mexico by yourself.

158. - I get shotgun! - Nope.

159. All this driving is making me sleepy.

160. Dan, stop kicking my seat, all right?

161. - I'm trying to drive! - "Dan, momina-momina!"

162. Something on your mind, Dan?

163. How come she gets to sit in the front seat?

164. - Because it's our car. - Well, that's not fair!

165. This is madness! What's she even doing here?

166. You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico, Dan.

167. My cotton candy!

168. New Mexico!

169. Hello? I asked what it did to you.

170. I don't want to talk about it.

171. You can't say something like that and not follow up!

172. Chris, back me up on this! Chris!

173. - This is not necessary. - It really is.

174. Come on, we're in the desert. My eyes are drying out.

175. Blink.

176. Anybody want anything?

177. Only my sweet, sweet revenge!

178. And maybe some peanut brittle.

179. You'll get yours, Arizona.

180. Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit,

181. a six-pack of fennel juice, and Dan's peanut brittle.

182. Did he give you money for that?

183. No, but don't worry. I have enough.

184. I got chips, some crunchy Cheese Wads,

185. some chewy Cheese Wads, chocolate soda...

186. - Chris. - some fizzle sticks,

187. Cocoa Blasters.

188. Chris, remember what we talked about?

189. - Which time? - About eating healthier.

190. Oh, it doesn't count if we're on a road trip. Does it?

191. - It does. - Oh. All right.

192. All right, then I'll only get one thing.

193. Thank you. I only worry about your health because I love—

194. Yes! Milk shake machine!

195. - I choose milk shakes... - Okay.

196. - with cookies in them. - Chris.

197. It's still one thing if the cookies are inside the milk shake.

198. Okay, but we're having salad for dinner.

199. Dan said we were having burgers.

200. If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you?

201. - Chris! - Well, I-I mean, it depends.

202. Don't jump off a cliff!

203. - Well, I wasn't planning on it. - But if Dan jumped, you would?

204. Chris!

205. Took you long enough! I have to pee!

206. So? Go inside and pee. We'll wait.

207. - There's no time! - Dan, calm down.

208. Here. I got you some peanut brittle.

209. I'm saving it for later.

210. You should at least say thank you.

211. You're welcome. Now hurry up!

212. What is wrong with you people? Get in the car!

213. Am I the only one who cares about revenge on New Mexico?

214. - Shouldn't we go? - Hold on.

215. I want to see if he can fog up the entire window.

216. It knows we're here!

217. - Hey, drop me off at the next exit. - What? It's Roswell.

218. Um... girl stuff.

219. We'll take you into town.

220. This is good. See you.

221. Finally!

222. - That was weird, wasn't it? - What was?

223. Elise just asked to be dropped off in the middle of the desert.

224. Some people are desert people.

225. Elise is not desert people.

226. Okay, from this angle, it's going to be difficult

227. to continue to hold your eyes open for you,

228. so instead, every three minutes,

229. I'm going to punch you in the stomach.

230. There's got to be a more effective— ooh!

231. That was not even close to three minutes!

232. Safety first!

233. I'm starving.

234. Shouldn't there be a rest stop or something?

235. - The state hates me! - I'm hungry too.

236. Aw, it's always about you, isn't it?

237. Well, you're not getting any of my peanut brittle!

238. Dan, there's something I should tell you.

239. - Where is it? - I, uh...

240. ate it... and I'm sorry.

241. - What? - It was just sitting there,

242. and I wasn't doing anything.

243. You were driving the whole time!

244. When did you even have time to eat?

245. You were looking out the window.

246. - For, like, two seconds! - I said I was sorry.

247. I will mangle you!

248. Hey, stop it! I'm driving.

249. Brittle thief!

250. Oh, no!

251. Oh, no, please don't let it be another cyclist!

252. Dude, I think you killed a celebrity.

253. It's a roadrunner.

254. I'm pretty sure it's the Road Runner!

255. How could you even think that?

256. He doesn't look remotely like him at all!

257. They use a lot of makeup on TV.

258. Poor little guy. I feel terrible.

259. Oh, quit whining. We've solved two problems here.

260. One, the rampant, out-of-control roadrunner population.

261. Two...

262. This is really good!

263. Like the mighty Native Americans— living off the land.

264. I'm pretty sure they didn't run stuff over with their cars.

265. Sure, they did. Pass the ketchup.

266. I don't have any ketchup.

267. Useless!

268. - So how are we going to— - Hydrogen.

269. - Hydrogen? - Shut up.

270. I can't believe they don't serve roadrunner.

271. I thought you said it was the state bird.

272. There really isn't much meat on those things.

273. But what's there is very tasty!

274. So how are we going to get the hydrogen again?

275. Any second now, a hydrogen truck is going to pull up to refuel.

276. It's really pretty out here.

277. Whose side are you on, anyway? You got a crush on New Mexico?

278. No.

279. Let's go. You pay.

280. Pardon me, kind sir.

281. Might we borrow a tiny spot

282. of your fine, high-quality hydrogen?

283. I have one rule about giving out my hydrogen:

284. you've gotta wrassle me for it.

285. I have no problem with that. Chris, attack!

286. Good work back there.

287. For once in your miserable life, you didn't let me down.

288. How come nobody's here?

289. They're all at the pre-balloon-launch bacchanalia.

290. - Nuh-uh. - Yuh-huh.

291. I read it in the book.

292. It happens every year the night before the launch.

293. Every fifth year,

294. they sacrifice a maiden to their pagan gods.

295. You're making that up.

296. Believe what you want.

297. - You're not making that up? - Nope.

298. We're in the middle of the desert.

299. Where would they even hold a bacchanalia?

300. Noollab. Noollab.

301. Noollab.

302. Noollab. Noollab.

303. - Noollab. - Sick freaks.

304. What do you expect from hot air balloonists?

305. They're just bad people.

306. Hello, beautiful.

307. That's the last one.

308. About time. I'm getting sleepy.

309. New Mexico, consider yourself fired.

310. Dan! Are you all right?

311. No!

312. I just realized I threw away my good lighter.

313. You almost got us killed, and you're worried about a lighter?

314. It was nice. I liked it.

315. Noollab.

316. What was that?

317. - Hey, we'd better go check it out. - But the sacrifice!

318. It'll wait 10 minutes.

319. - Oh, no! - No!

320. - Oh, good Lord! - Ohh! Why, God?

321. Cry, you balloon goons! Cry!

322. Dan, be quiet. They can hear you.

323. You be quiet!

324. - They must have done this! - Get them!

325. - This looks bleak. - I've seen bleaker.

326. - When? - Before. Shut up!

327. Back, balloonist cult!

328. Back!

329. - That means you too, ugly. - Me?

330. A flying saucer? That's all I need! Great!

331. Oh, my goodness!

332. And if you're going to probe anyone, probe Chris.

333. Keep your filthy tentacles off my—

334. - Oh. Hi, Elise. - What happened to Chris?

335. Cultists.

336. What? He's fine.

337. - Ready to go? - Almost.

338. Get that one!

339. - And that one! - Dan, don't!

340. Oh, you're the only one who gets to play with the death ray!

341. I'm not playing.

342. I'm flying a highly complex piece of alien technology.

343. Quit messing with it!

344. Take that, New Mexico!

345. Get that one! And that one!

346. Oh, get that one in the stupid hat!

347. I have that same hat.

348. Seriously? It's so gauche.

349. Oopsie.

350. Holy Toledo!

351. There's nothing holy about Toled—

352. Where are we? What happened?

353. We blew up the balloons, you fell asleep, that's all.

354. Yes, that is all. We're almost home.

355. - You rest. - Oh, okay.

356. - Bye, Chris. - What?