1. Today's going to be a good day.
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2. Great, there goes breakfast.
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3. My foot! Stupid thing!
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4. Ow! My foot!
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5. Stupid thing!
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6. See? I learn.
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7. Don't even know why he put
that lamp there in the first place.
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8. What the heck would you make
a swinging lamp for?
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9. Makes me want
to burn down the '70s!
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10. Was that an armadillo?
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11. I'm going to laugh
when you're roadkill.
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12. What the—
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13. Not my car!
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14. Cactus needles?
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15. Red dirt?
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16. Adobe?
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17. NEW MEXICO!
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18. Well, let's see. New Mexico
became a state on January 6, 1912,
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19. making it the 47th state
in the Union.
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20. - And a Capricorn.
- The capital is Santa Fe.
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21. Its population
is just under two million!
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22. State bird is the roadrunner.
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23. Elise hates roadrunners.
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24. State flower: yucca flower.
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25. State song:
"O Fair New Mexico," which—
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26. Enough already!
You're not helping me here!
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27. What are its weaknesses?
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28. - Uh, weaknesses?
- How do I hurt it?
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29. Uh... it doesn't say.
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30. We need more information.
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31. You should go to the library.
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32. Fine. Be here in half an hour.
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33. Yeah, I kind of
have to work today...
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34. so I can't—
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35. Hello? Dan?
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36. None of this is helping!
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37. - Shh.
- Don't shush me!
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38. You don't shush me!
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39. Nobody shushes me!
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40. Shh.
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41. Shh.
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42. Well, that's the first time
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43. I've ever been
thrown out of a library.
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44. You get used to it.
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45. Now what?
You still need information.
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46. Don't be stupid!
We go to a different library.
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47. I need lunch first.
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48. - It's 10:00 in the morning!
- It's 12:00 somewhere.
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49. Hurry up.
You're wasting valuable time.
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50. Is there a time limit
on revenge?
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51. There's an old saying—
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52. "Revenge is a dish
best served immediately."
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53. I don't think that's a saying.
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54. Hey!
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55. Are you going
to behave yourself this time?
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56. Ouch! What was that for?
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57. You talk to me like a child,
I pinch a-you.
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58. Can you just keep your cool?
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59. We'll see.
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60. Hey, Magellan,
the books are thataway.
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61. I want to ask that librarian.
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62. Maybe he can help you find
what you're looking for.
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63. Help us? For free?
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64. - That's what they do.
- Well, doesn't hurt to try, I guess.
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65. - May I help you?
- I doubt it.
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66. May I help you, sir?
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67. Yes. We're looking
for information on New Mexico.
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68. Right over there
between the 900s and the 908s.
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69. He's talking in code!
Get him!
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70. It's not code, Dan!
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71. - It's the Dewey Decimal System.
- Which is a code!
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72. Well, yes, but—
but it's a benign one.
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73. So he's just talking
about books?
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74. He is a librarian.
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75. Hey, buddy, don't you think
we've tried all the normal books?
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76. We need some
specific information.
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77. How do we hurt New Mexico?
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78. Why would you want to do that?
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79. It's personal.
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80. Personal vendettas
against states? Sure.
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81. Right over there
in the do-it-yourself section.
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82. Thank you, good sir.
I— wait a minute!
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83. Drop the attitude, pal!
We're customers!
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84. I told you this guy
couldn't help us.
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85. I didn't say that.
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86. I can help you, but I want
something in return.
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87. Aw, I just knew it.
Librarians are jerks!
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88. Let's hear him out.
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89. You see that goon over there?
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90. - He's got a new girlfriend.
- So?
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91. - It's my wife.
- Uh, we—
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92. you know, we really
only came in for a book.
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93. You want help with something,
I want help with something.
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94. And this guy just mulls around
your library?
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95. Silently mocking me.
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96. The gall!
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97. I don't think
I feel right about this.
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98. I mean, isn't this
the librarian's business?
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99. No, it's perfect!
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100. We help someone else
get their revenge,
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101. and in turn, he helps me.
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102. Karma.
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103. - Yeah, but—
- But nothing. Shut up.
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104. - Okay, but I'm not killing anyone.
- What?
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105. I'm not killing someone
for the librarian.
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106. - That's a deal-breaker.
- You've run over dozens of cyclists.
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107. Yeah, but they all lived.
And I'm not killing this guy either.
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108. And now you tell me?
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109. Yeah! Well, I mean,
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110. you know, I was going to say
something inside, but—
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111. - But?
- But then I didn't.
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112. You're right.
I should have.
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113. - You should have!
- I know. You're right.
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114. - So he walks away?
- Yeah.
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115. I wonder if he knows
how lucky he is.
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116. I wonder if he knows
how lucky we are.
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117. Dan, that guy looks hurt!
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118. Hey, you date a married woman,
you get hit by a bus! Karma!
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119. I'm not sure
that's how karma works.
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120. Consider your back scratched.
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121. Not by us specifically.
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122. So by that, you mean...
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123. All right. You want to know
how to hurt New Mexico?
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124. He does. I don't really
care much either way.
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125. "Devils Throne, New Mexico."
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126. "Devils Wash Basin, New Mexico.
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127. "Devils Highway, New Mexico."
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128. - See, Chris? Evil.
- That doesn't prove anything.
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129. It proves the Devil keeps
a bunch of his stuff there.
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130. - True.
- It gets worse.
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131. - Hot air balloons?
- Read on.
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132. "Each October,
Albuquerque is the home
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133. to the largest
hot air balloon launch
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134. in the United States." So?
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135. New Mexico is crazy
about hot air ballooning.
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136. They love it!
It's like candy to them!
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137. Is that true?
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138. Why don't you ask
my Masters in Library Sciences?
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139. Librarians.
You better be right about this.
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140. Whoa, check it out.
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141. Am I going to make it?
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142. Of course you are, son.
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143. See? He's fine.
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144. So you're going
to New Mexico why?
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145. Dan wants to disrupt
the annual hot air balloon festival.
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146. - Because?
- New Mexico broke his window.
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147. That's completely absurd.
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148. Can I come along?
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149. Crowbar, hammer, flashlight,
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150. survival knife, Brutus,
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151. throwing bricks,
half a turkey sandwich.
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152. That ought to do.
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153. Perfect.
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154. - All packed?
- Shut up.
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155. - By the way, Elise is coming with us.
- I did not authorize that!
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156. - I already told her it was okay.
- Unacceptable! She stays!
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157. Then I stay and you can go
to New Mexico by yourself.
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158. - I get shotgun!
- Nope.
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159. All this driving
is making me sleepy.
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160. Dan, stop kicking my seat,
all right?
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161. - I'm trying to drive!
- "Dan, momina-momina!"
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162. Something on your mind, Dan?
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163. How come she gets to sit
in the front seat?
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164. - Because it's our car.
- Well, that's not fair!
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165. This is madness!
What's she even doing here?
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166. You're not the only one with a grudge
against New Mexico, Dan.
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167. My cotton candy!
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168. New Mexico!
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169. Hello?
I asked what it did to you.
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170. I don't want to talk about it.
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171. You can't say something like that
and not follow up!
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172. Chris, back me up on this!
Chris!
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173. - This is not necessary.
- It really is.
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174. Come on, we're in the desert.
My eyes are drying out.
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175. Blink.
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176. Anybody want anything?
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177. Only my sweet, sweet revenge!
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178. And maybe some peanut brittle.
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179. You'll get yours, Arizona.
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180. Okay, I've got the granola,
some fruit,
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181. a six-pack of fennel juice,
and Dan's peanut brittle.
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182. Did he give you money for that?
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183. No, but don't worry.
I have enough.
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184. I got chips,
some crunchy Cheese Wads,
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185. some chewy Cheese Wads,
chocolate soda...
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186. - Chris.
- some fizzle sticks,
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187. Cocoa Blasters.
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188. Chris, remember
what we talked about?
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189. - Which time?
- About eating healthier.
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190. Oh, it doesn't count
if we're on a road trip. Does it?
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191. - It does.
- Oh. All right.
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192. All right,
then I'll only get one thing.
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193. Thank you. I only worry
about your health because I love—
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194. Yes! Milk shake machine!
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195. - I choose milk shakes...
- Okay.
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196. - with cookies in them.
- Chris.
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197. It's still one thing if the cookies
are inside the milk shake.
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198. Okay, but we're having
salad for dinner.
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199. Dan said we were having burgers.
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200. If Dan jumped off a cliff,
would you?
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201. - Chris!
- Well, I-I mean, it depends.
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202. Don't jump off a cliff!
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203. - Well, I wasn't planning on it.
- But if Dan jumped, you would?
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204. Chris!
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205. Took you long enough!
I have to pee!
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206. So? Go inside and pee.
We'll wait.
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207. - There's no time!
- Dan, calm down.
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208. Here. I got you
some peanut brittle.
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209. I'm saving it for later.
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210. You should
at least say thank you.
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211. You're welcome.
Now hurry up!
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212. What is wrong with you people?
Get in the car!
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213. Am I the only one who cares
about revenge on New Mexico?
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214. - Shouldn't we go?
- Hold on.
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215. I want to see if he can fog up
the entire window.
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216. It knows we're here!
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217. - Hey, drop me off at the next exit.
- What? It's Roswell.
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218. Um... girl stuff.
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219. We'll take you into town.
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220. This is good. See you.
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221. Finally!
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222. - That was weird, wasn't it?
- What was?
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223. Elise just asked to be dropped off
in the middle of the desert.
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224. Some people are desert people.
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225. Elise is not desert people.
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226. Okay, from this angle,
it's going to be difficult
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227. to continue to hold
your eyes open for you,
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228. so instead,
every three minutes,
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229. I'm going to punch you
in the stomach.
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230. There's got to be
a more effective— ooh!
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231. That was not even close
to three minutes!
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232. Safety first!
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233. I'm starving.
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234. Shouldn't there be
a rest stop or something?
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235. - The state hates me!
- I'm hungry too.
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236. Aw, it's always about you,
isn't it?
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237. Well, you're not getting
any of my peanut brittle!
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238. Dan, there's something
I should tell you.
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239. - Where is it?
- I, uh...
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240. ate it... and I'm sorry.
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241. - What?
- It was just sitting there,
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242. and I wasn't doing anything.
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243. You were driving the whole time!
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244. When did you even
have time to eat?
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245. You were looking out the window.
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246. - For, like, two seconds!
- I said I was sorry.
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247. I will mangle you!
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248. Hey, stop it!
I'm driving.
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249. Brittle thief!
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250. Oh, no!
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251. Oh, no, please don't let it
be another cyclist!
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252. Dude, I think you killed
a celebrity.
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253. It's a roadrunner.
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254. I'm pretty sure
it's the Road Runner!
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255. How could you even think that?
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256. He doesn't look
remotely like him at all!
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257. They use a lot of makeup on TV.
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258. Poor little guy.
I feel terrible.
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259. Oh, quit whining.
We've solved two problems here.
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260. One, the rampant, out-of-control
roadrunner population.
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261. Two...
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262. This is really good!
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263. Like the mighty Native Americans—
living off the land.
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264. I'm pretty sure they didn't
run stuff over with their cars.
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265. Sure, they did.
Pass the ketchup.
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266. I don't have any ketchup.
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267. Useless!
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268. - So how are we going to—
- Hydrogen.
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269. - Hydrogen?
- Shut up.
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270. I can't believe
they don't serve roadrunner.
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271. I thought you said
it was the state bird.
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272. There really isn't
much meat on those things.
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273. But what's there is very tasty!
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274. So how are we going to get
the hydrogen again?
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275. Any second now, a hydrogen truck
is going to pull up to refuel.
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276. It's really pretty out here.
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277. Whose side are you on, anyway?
You got a crush on New Mexico?
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278. No.
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279. Let's go. You pay.
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280. Pardon me, kind sir.
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281. Might we borrow a tiny spot
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282. of your fine,
high-quality hydrogen?
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283. I have one rule
about giving out my hydrogen:
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284. you've gotta wrassle me for it.
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285. I have no problem with that.
Chris, attack!
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286. Good work back there.
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287. For once in your miserable life,
you didn't let me down.
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288. How come nobody's here?
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289. They're all at the pre-balloon-launch
bacchanalia.
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290. - Nuh-uh.
- Yuh-huh.
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291. I read it in the book.
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292. It happens every year
the night before the launch.
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293. Every fifth year,
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294. they sacrifice a maiden
to their pagan gods.
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295. You're making that up.
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296. Believe what you want.
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297. - You're not making that up?
- Nope.
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298. We're in the middle
of the desert.
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299. Where would they even hold
a bacchanalia?
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300. Noollab. Noollab.
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301. Noollab.
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302. Noollab. Noollab.
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303. - Noollab.
- Sick freaks.
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304. What do you expect
from hot air balloonists?
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305. They're just bad people.
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306. Hello, beautiful.
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307. That's the last one.
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308. About time.
I'm getting sleepy.
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309. New Mexico,
consider yourself fired.
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310. Dan!
Are you all right?
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311. No!
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312. I just realized I threw away
my good lighter.
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313. You almost got us killed,
and you're worried about a lighter?
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314. It was nice. I liked it.
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315. Noollab.
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316. What was that?
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317. - Hey, we'd better go check it out.
- But the sacrifice!
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318. It'll wait 10 minutes.
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319. - Oh, no!
- No!
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320. - Oh, good Lord!
- Ohh! Why, God?
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321. Cry, you balloon goons! Cry!
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322. Dan, be quiet.
They can hear you.
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323. You be quiet!
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324. - They must have done this!
- Get them!
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325. - This looks bleak.
- I've seen bleaker.
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326. - When?
- Before. Shut up!
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327. Back, balloonist cult!
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328. Back!
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329. - That means you too, ugly.
- Me?
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330. A flying saucer?
That's all I need! Great!
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331. Oh, my goodness!
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332. And if you're going
to probe anyone, probe Chris.
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333. Keep your filthy tentacles off my—
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334. - Oh. Hi, Elise.
- What happened to Chris?
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335. Cultists.
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336. What? He's fine.
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337. - Ready to go?
- Almost.
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338. Get that one!
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339. - And that one!
- Dan, don't!
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340. Oh, you're the only one who gets
to play with the death ray!
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341. I'm not playing.
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342. I'm flying a highly complex
piece of alien technology.
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343. Quit messing with it!
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344. Take that, New Mexico!
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345. Get that one!
And that one!
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346. Oh, get that one
in the stupid hat!
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347. I have that same hat.
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348. Seriously?
It's so gauche.
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349. Oopsie.
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350. Holy Toledo!
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351. There's nothing holy
about Toled—
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352. Where are we?
What happened?
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353. We blew up the balloons,
you fell asleep, that's all.
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354. Yes, that is all.
We're almost home.
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355. - You rest.
- Oh, okay.
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356. - Bye, Chris.
- What?
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