Dan Vs. 1x19

1. Help! Aah! He—

2. wait. Dan?

3. You're probably wondering why I'm wearing face paint

4. an attacking you with a plastic toy hatchet.

5. Oh, is it Put on Face Paint

6. and Attack Your Best Friend with a Hatchet Day already?

7. That's not till January.

8. It's Dismemberfest!

9. Ah, the horrorfilm festival.

10. You got it.

11. "Slasher Cats" starts at noon tomorrow,

12. followed by "Eek! The Murderer."

13. I can't go this year, Dan.

14. Elise's parents are taking us on a camping trip.

15. You have got to be kidding me.

16. Hey, I'm not happy about it either.

17. Although I must admit I don't like those movies anyway.

18. But it's no fun going to slasher movies by myself.

19. Sorry, but I have an opportunity

20. to finally get Don and Elise Sr. To like me.

21. When are you going to learn they are your in-laws—

22. natural enemies, like sharks and robots?

23. Anyway, we're going up to Lake Sequester

24. - for the weekend, and— - Whoa, whoa.

25. - Where? - Lake Sequester.

26. Oh, you won't go to slasher movies,

27. but you'll go there?

28. Sure. Why not?

29. Are you kidding me?

30. It's where the Hockey Mask Maniac ran amuck 10 years ago.

31. It's the basis for the goriest, bloodiest,

32. most iconic slasher movie of them all,

33. "The Campground Chain Saw Unpleasantness."

34. Okay, you should go now.

35. Well, I'm not leaving until you agree to—

36. hey, let me go!

37. Unhand me, I say!

38. I'm going on the family camping trip, Dan,

39. and that's final.

40. FAMILY CAMPING TRIP!

41. What do you mean you can't mail-order killer bees?

42. I need killer bees!

43. You send me—

44. Oh, hold on.

45. - Hey, Dan. - Ah, Chris.

46. Good. Have you come to your senses?

47. I'm still going camping, if that's what you mean.

48. Hey, that reminds me.

49. What food allergies do Elise's parents have?

50. You're not going to ruin the camping trip, Dan.

51. - Says you. - Also, I would like you

52. to stop sending me creepy emails

53. about the Hockey Mask Maniac.

54. They're not creepy! They're factual news articles!

55. And what about the clips you keep sending me from scary movies?

56. Based on true stories.

57. You know I don't do well with this stuff.

58. I saw "The Campground Chain Saw Unpleasantness"

59. as a kid, and it scared the heck out of me,

60. completely ruined the entire genre.

61. You know, Chris, if you don't push through,

62. you're never gonna get desensitized.

63. Where was I? Oh, yeah! Right!

64. Killer bees!

65. My folks are here.

66. They are? They're three hours early.

67. Welcome to my world.

68. Wow. Look at that.

69. When's the last time someone watered this grass?

70. Mom, Dad, you're early.

71. Ah, we made good time from Vegas.

72. Fun drive. I never saw so much desert.

73. Until we took a look at your lawn, junior.

74. - Mom. - Hey, Mom.

75. Welcome back.

76. Wait. Wait, we're hugging now?

77. I-I guess not.

78. No, that's fine. Give me a hug.

79. I-I don't want to anymore.

80. Chris, give my mom a hug.

81. No hug for me, thanks.

82. Are you all ready to go?

83. I haven't finished packing yet.

84. Why don't we go inside and have some iced tea?

85. They hate me.

86. They don't hate you.

87. Okay, they kind of hate you,

88. but it's not your fault.

89. They haven't liked anybody I've ever dated.

90. Except Colby.

91. Well, sure, him.

92. Take your time, Chris.

93. Whenever you're ready.

94. Dad, knock it off.

95. I'm just kidding with him.

96. It's kind of our thing.

97. Perfect timing.

98. If we leave now, we can still catch "Stabbo the Clown."

99. Now climb out of the window, and let's go.

100. I am not going with you.

101. I am going to Lake Sequester.

102. To be hunted by a chain saw-wielding maniac.

103. They caught him years ago.

104. Or so they think.

105. You're just trying to give me nightmares.

106. Look, this whole insane quest of yours is pointless.

107. Your in-laws will never respect you.

108. I have to try.

109. I just hate to see you expending

110. such an enormous amount of effort

111. in what is ultimately a futile pursuit.

112. It's not healthy.

113. Have a good weekend, Dan.

114. So this should be a good time of year to spot bears.

115. Isn't spotting bears a bad thing when you're camping?

116. Don't tell me you're scared of bears.

117. I am, actually.

118. Generally speaking, I'm afraid of anything that can eat me—

119. bears, sharks, cannibals.

120. Stop worrying about bears. We just got to make sure

121. we hang our food from a tree every night.

122. If you think you can make it 10 hours without a snack.

123. They're tagging the bears this summer.

124. Like spray-painting them? That seems mean.

125. No, they're luring them in with artificial hormones

126. and fitting them with radio transponders.

127. It's to track their migratory patterns.

128. Speaking of feral creatures,

129. how's your friend Dan?

130. The trick to any successful campaign, Mr. Mumbles,

131. is the element of surprise.

132. I think it was Sun Tzu who said—

133. I only ask because he seems to be following us.

134. Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'll handle this.

135. What was that?

136. Are you trying to kill me?

137. Don't tempt me.

138. What are you doing here?

139. Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you.

140. Just give me what is rightfully mine,

141. and I'll go.

142. - What do you want exactly? - Chris.

143. I don't know. Sounds reasonable.

144. Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris,

145. even if we'd like to.

146. Dan, this is really unacceptable.

147. It's all your fault.

148. This is not my fault.

149. It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.

150. If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest...

151. Okay, let's go.

152. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip.

153. Don't follow us.

154. You're not the boss of me, lady.

155. I go where I ple—

156. Hey, is that my car battery?

157. I'll put you on the list!

158. I'll put all of you on the list!

159. Well, that's reassuring.

160. Nothing like nature, huh, Chris?

161. No, sir.

162. I mean, we're so far away from civilization,

163. anything could happen out here...

164. anything.

165. And the nearest help's not for miles.

166. That's—

167. yeah.

168. How's that fire coming?

169. You guys know they invented something

170. a couple hundred years ago. They're called matches.

171. Well, if you can't make fire with nothing but wood

172. and some elbow grease, you're not a real man,

173. like Chris here.

174. Have it your way.

175. I was going to walk down to the stream.

176. - You care to join me? - Love to.

177. Nearest help's not for miles.

178. for miles... for miles.

179. for miles... for miles.

180. Just think, Mr. Mumbles, these are the very same woods

181. where the Hockey Mask Maniac—

182. wait, who's that?

183. Can I help you with that?

184. Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

185. - Who are you? - Chris, are you okay?

186. I heard you scre— Colby?

187. Hi, beautiful.

188. Colby?

189. See? Just takes a little elbow grease.

190. Uh-huh.

191. I can't believe you invited Colby

192. - on our family camping trip. - Why not?

193. He's the closest thing I have to a son.

194. What about Ben?

195. - Who? - Our son.

196. And why didn't you tell me Colby was coming?

197. I didn't want to ruin the surprise.

198. I don't recognize that guy with Chris.

199. Ah, you're right about that, Mr. Mumbles.

200. Whoever he is, he sure is dreamy.

201. No matter.

202. We'll ruin the camping trip for everyone,

203. then take Chris to the movies with us.

204. So how do we do it?

205. I know you're hungry, Mr. Mumbles, but—

206. You know, you're pretty smart for a kitty.

207. Let's see how much fun they have

208. camping without food.

209. That's when I knew

210. I was the only one at the zoo who could handle the problem.

211. How big was the gorilla?

212. Midsize, about 340 lbs.

213. And you wrestled it back into its cage all by yourself.

214. That's my boy.

215. Hey, anyone mind if I find out how the game's going?

216. Washington with a commanding lead

217. going into the seventh-inning stretch.

218. In breaking news,

219. a fire at the Corbin State Prison for the Criminally lnsane

220. was the opportunity several inmates needed to escape.

221. That's the prison where they were holding

222. the Hockey Mask Maniac.

223. I read an article about him this morning.

224. While details are fuzzy at this time,

225. several inmates are unaccounted for,

226. including most notably—

227. Don, did you hear that?

228. Washington ahead. Yeah, I heard it.

229. He means the jailbreak.

230. We should probably get out of here. It's not safe.

231. Oh, Chris, don't be such a worrywart.

232. There's a lunatic out there,

233. and you want to stay here and camp?

234. Have you never seen a horror movie?

235. Honestly, the way you carry on sometimes,

236. you'd think—

237. What was that?

238. Someone's in the woods.

239. I'm sure it's nothing.

240. Stay here. I'll go check it out.

241. No, don't.

242. It's the maniac.

243. If it's a bear, take a picture.

244. You got it, Mom!

245. What do you think you're doing?

246. Aah! Dreamboat!

247. Mr. Mumbles, attack!

248. Fine. I'll do it myself.

249. - What's happening? - I'll go see if he needs help.

250. No, wait! That's just what the maniac wants you to do.

251. - Taken care of, folks. - What happened?

252. Ah, somebody was trying to steal our food.

253. I chased him off.

254. That's my boy!

255. Wait. What did he look like?

256. Ah, little guy wearing a t-shirt that said "Jerk" on it.

257. Of course. Dan.

258. What stupid stunt is he trying to pull now?

259. He's not just dreamy.

260. He's got the strength of 10 men.

261. And was it just me, or were his eyes

262. even more captivating close up?

263. I think he won the fight because I got lost in them.

264. Yeah, all right.

265. We've ruled out a direct assault.

266. And by the way,

267. thank you for doing nothing while I was getting beaten up.

268. Aw, I can't stay mad at you.

269. And did you hear that thing on the radio

270. about the prison break? For all anyone knows,

271. the Hockey Mask Maniac is on the loose.

272. Which gives me an idea.

273. Okay, this will just take a second.

274. That's strange.

275. Oh, well. Gift horse and all that.

276. First stop, sporting goods.

277. Next, landscaping supplies.

278. No chain saw?

279. Why doesn't anything ever go right for me?

280. Was that sarcasm, Mr. Mumbles?

281. Well, I guess this will have to do.

282. Just need some overalls, and we're done.

283. Okay, scary story time.

284. Who wants to go first?

285. Why don't you, dear?

286. I love spooky stories.

287. Me too.

288. All right. This is the story

289. of the Hockey Mask Maniac.

290. About 10 years ago,

291. in these very woods...

292. Oh, stupid Spider-Man.

293. And as they dragged him away to prison,

294. he screamed, "I'll be back someday!

295. My bloody work

296. is not yet done!"

297. It's just a story.

298. Except that it's not.

299. Here we go.

300. All shall perish!

301. Mommy!

302. Whoops. Wrong campsite.

303. It's okay, kids.

304. You can come back now.

305. No maniacs here.

306. What? I got turned around in the woods.

307. It happens.

308. Got you, bear friend.

309. Friend?

310. Let me get those for you, Elise.

311. He still likes you.

312. Of course he does. I'm awesome.

313. But I like you.

314. We've had multiple sightings of the Hockey Mask Maniac.

315. We need you to clear these woods immediately.

316. Sorry, Commodore,

317. but I have, like, many more bears to tag.

318. Can't you guys do something?

319. Afraid not. Every man I've got

320. is up in a tree with a sniper rifle,

321. itching to shoot a hole in the first hockey mask they see.

322. Maybe not the best time to be dressed as the Maniac.

323. Just make sure everyone evacuates the campgrounds.

324. You can count on me, sir. I'll get right on it.

325. Thank you, son.

326. As soon as I'm done tagging these bears.

327. Tee-hee.

328. Bears.

329. Once I douse the family tents in these hormones,

330. they'll attract so many bears looking for mates

331. that they won't be able to camp.

332. Then Chris and I can catch the end

333. of the slasher movie festival—

334. Ugh. Gross.

335. Well, that's a waste of—

336. Oh no.

337. Well, that was completely unpleasant.

338. And where were you when I was being attacked

339. by a bear who thought I was her mate?

340. That is the second time in so many days

341. that you abandoned me in my time of need.

342. Forgiven.

343. Hey, folks.

344. We've gotten reports that the Hockey Mask Maniac

345. is running around here somewhere.

346. It's important for your safety that you leave immediately.

347. I would have told you last night,

348. but I forgot.

349. Sound like Dan to anyone else?

350. Yeah. We're pretty sure it's not the Hockey Mask Maniac.

351. Shouldn't we go just to be safe?

352. Yeah, you probably should.

353. Well, we're not.

354. Okay, in that case,

355. I have some forms for you to fill out

356. acknowledging that the Park Service

357. will not be held responsible if you all meet a grisly fate

358. or a grizzly bear.

359. I know, but it's the only set of clothes I have nearby.

360. All units. Repeat— All units,

361. Hockey Mask Maniac sighted near the river.

362. All units proceed to the following coordinates.

363. Come on, Officer Puddles.

364. Dispatch said this way.

365. Did you hear that?

366. With the cops gone, we can finally get back to plan A.

367. I know, Mr. Mumbles.

368. I'll get you a hockey mask for next time.

369. Promise.

370. Look, maybe I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be better

371. to cut the trip short, just in case?

372. Scary!

373. We know it's you, Dan.

374. What? It is not.

375. We recognize your voice.

376. Besides, the Hockey Mask Maniac uses a chain saw,

377. not a weed whacker.

378. I know that, but the store was out of chain saws.

379. Plus the real Maniac is supposed to be seven feet tall.

380. Like him.

381. Oh, no.

382. Who are you supposed to be?

383. Oh, Dan, run!

384. Oh, thanks. Hadn't thought of that.

385. We should probably go.

386. Uh-huh.

387. Mom! Dad!

388. Elise, no. You can't help them.

389. Let me go!

390. I can't let you endanger— ow!

391. Any chance we can talk this out?

392. It's been a good life, I guess.

393. Hey, ugly!

394. Why don't you pick on someone your own crazy?

395. Jerk.

396. Are you taking pictures?

397. Yeah. When will I ever see this again?

398. Fair enough.

399. Again? You get rid of a Hockey Mask Maniac,

400. then you have to deal with a bear? Typical.

401. Hey, anyone see a bear come through—

402. Oh, there she is.

403. Gotcha, bear.

404. Oh, and the Maniac! Cool!

405. Don't you worry, folks.

406. That's the last you'll see of the Hockey Mask Maniac.

407. Unless he escapes again, but what are the odds of that?

408. Well, this has been fun.

409. - You didn't have to hit me. - I think I did.

410. What I don't get is why did that bear attack the Maniac?

411. She thought she was protecting her mate.

412. - What was that? - I said

413. she thought she was protecting her mate, okay?

414. I don't want to talk about it.

415. Well, our supplies are gone,

416. and our tents are ruined.

417. Looks like we'll have to cut this trip short.

418. Oh, thank goodness.

419. Hey, I guess there's still time

420. to catch the end of Dismemberfest.

421. Nah, I think I'm pretty burned out

422. on slasher films for a while.

423. Plus I'd like to go home and wash the bear hormones off.

424. Come on, Mr. Mumbles.

425. Chris, you put yourself in harm's way

426. to try and protect us.

427. Oh, yeah. I guess I did.

428. I know we've been hard on you from time to time,

429. but you really showed your true colors today.

430. - Don, give Chris a hug. - What?

431. That's really not necessary.

432. Now, Don.

433. I'll get you for this.

434. Don...

435. you're squeezing me too hard.

436. He doesn't hug me like that.

437. Well...

438. let's go home.