1. Do you realize how much trouble
you are in, young man?Copy !req
2. Your Honor, I don't see
what the big deal is.Copy !req
3. You crashed your car
through the wall of a churchCopy !req
4. while a wedding was in progress!Copy !req
5. It wasn't my fault!Copy !req
6. There was a nun crossing
the street against the light.Copy !req
7. I was going to run her over.Copy !req
8. And you were swerving
to avoid her?Copy !req
9. Yes.Copy !req
10. All right.
Well, in that case,Copy !req
11. I will suspend your sentenceCopy !req
12. in exchange for 40 hours
of community service.Copy !req
13. Community service?Copy !req
14. What has this community
ever done for me?Copy !req
15. - Dan, no. Take the deal.
- No way!Copy !req
16. Have it your way.Copy !req
17. Trial will start one week
from today at 9:00 a.m.Copy !req
18. Could we do it a little later?Copy !req
19. I like to sleep in,
watch some TV.Copy !req
20. Get him out of my sight.Copy !req
21. Let go!Copy !req
22. So I drove through
the wall of a church?Copy !req
23. What is that,
a crime all of a sudden?Copy !req
24. Yeah. So is fleeing the scene,
resisting arrest,Copy !req
25. and assaulting an officer.Copy !req
26. It was a busy Sunday for you.Copy !req
27. Community service
isn't so bad, Dan.Copy !req
28. You should have taken the deal.Copy !req
29. It's the principle of the thing.Copy !req
30. I don't help people willy-nilly.Copy !req
31. Dan, hey!Copy !req
32. Thank you so much
for your help this weekend.Copy !req
33. The shelter really
appreciates your time.Copy !req
34. I don't know you, pal. Back off.Copy !req
35. - Wasn't me.
- He knew your name.Copy !req
36. Thanks for helping me
change my tire, Dan.Copy !req
37. This has been happening
all week.Copy !req
38. People keep mistaking me
for someone else.Copy !req
39. Someone else named Dan,Copy !req
40. who apparently
looks just like you.Copy !req
41. Can I ask a question?Copy !req
42. How have you
been sleeping lately?Copy !req
43. Lousy, like always. Why?Copy !req
44. No reason. Just sometimes
people do things in their sleep.Copy !req
45. I once ate a pair of shoes.Copy !req
46. Expensive shoes.Copy !req
47. For the umpteenth time,Copy !req
48. I am sorry I ate your shoes.Copy !req
49. And you used half a bottle
of my good shampoo.Copy !req
50. For dipping.Copy !req
51. Well, I don't want to hear
this argument again.Copy !req
52. I'm going home.Copy !req
53. I have to make
some "Free Dan" T-shirts.Copy !req
54. Oh, sure, sure.
Always happy to lend a hand.Copy !req
55. It's just great work you're doing
down at the soup kitchen, Jerry.Copy !req
56. Did I leave the TV on?Copy !req
57. You had better not be watching
cartoons, Mr. Mumbles.Copy !req
58. They'll rot your brains.Copy !req
59. This Saturday?
I'll be there.Copy !req
60. Oh. Got to go, Jer.Copy !req
61. Well...Copy !req
62. this is embarrassing.Copy !req
63. I figured you'd be at court
at least another hour.Copy !req
64. - Who are you?
- Who are you?Copy !req
65. - I'm Dan.
- I'm Dan.Copy !req
66. - Stop it.
- Stop it.Copy !req
67. I should probably just go.Copy !req
68. Hey, those are my clothes!Copy !req
69. Stop, clothes thief!Copy !req
70. Who are you?Copy !req
71. I told you already.
I'm Dan.Copy !req
72. The question is who are you?Copy !req
73. DAN!Copy !req
74. I'm Dan.Copy !req
75. Where have you been?
I said it was an emergency.Copy !req
76. That's pretty much what you say
instead of hello.Copy !req
77. This is not okay.
I am in crisis mode.Copy !req
78. Notice anything different
about this place?Copy !req
79. It looks a little cleaner.Copy !req
80. Uh-huh.
And look at my phone bill.Copy !req
81. I see a lot
of telephone numbers.Copy !req
82. They're charity organizations.Copy !req
83. I've gotten several thank-you
cards in the mail just today.Copy !req
84. "Thank you, Dan,
for your tireless effortsCopy !req
85. on behalf of St. Dora's HomeCopy !req
86. for Children
who Scream Uncontrollably."Copy !req
87. When did you volunteer there?Copy !req
88. That's my whole point!Copy !req
89. I didn't! He did!Copy !req
90. - He?
- Dan, the other Dan.Copy !req
91. We have to find him
and stop him.Copy !req
92. Oh, him. Right.Copy !req
93. The "other Dan,"Copy !req
94. the one who looks
exactly like you.Copy !req
95. Not exactly,
but he wears my clothes.Copy !req
96. Dan, you're having
a psychotic break.Copy !req
97. Frankly, I'm surprised
it hasn't happened before now.Copy !req
98. What are you talking about?Copy !req
99. Look, you're under a lot
of pressure from the trial,Copy !req
100. and on some level,
you loathe yourself.Copy !req
101. Why would I loathe myself?
I'm awesome!Copy !req
102. Right. You're awesome.Copy !req
103. You live in a rattrap hovel,
no girlfriend, no career,Copy !req
104. and every day, you fester
in a stew of your own anger.Copy !req
105. Who's angry?
I'll kill you!Copy !req
106. So you've created another DanCopy !req
107. who does nice things for people.Copy !req
108. Does that sound like me?Copy !req
109. No, it sounds like "Dan."Copy !req
110. Stop air quoting at me!Copy !req
111. There is an actual
physical imposter out there,Copy !req
112. and we are going
to make him pay.Copy !req
113. All right, Dan.Copy !req
114. Let's go find "Dan."Copy !req
115. Stop saying it like that.Copy !req
116. Um, I'll be back.Copy !req
117. Hello.Copy !req
118. Elise, you know that thing
we always thought would happen?Copy !req
119. Well, it's happening.
Dan has snapped.Copy !req
120. Wait. How has Dan snapped?
Clock tower?Copy !req
121. No, alternate personality.Copy !req
122. Huh. I would have bet
the other way.Copy !req
123. Didn't we have
a contingency plan for this?Copy !req
124. Sure. You isolate him.Copy !req
125. I'll call the shrink
my company usesCopy !req
126. to reprogram enemy field agents.Copy !req
127. Wait.
They use him for what?Copy !req
128. Uh, what?Copy !req
129. You dropped out
for a second there.Copy !req
130. I'll see you in 15.Copy !req
131. Sounds good. Got to go.Copy !req
132. We'll find this guy.Copy !req
133. Then you'll see I'm not crazy.Copy !req
134. I'm sure we will, Dan.
And then what?Copy !req
135. Simple. I hit him over the head
and take my clothes back.Copy !req
136. Leaving the "Good Dan"
nude and vulnerable.Copy !req
137. Textbook.Copy !req
138. Stop analyzing me!Copy !req
139. For the last time,
there is an imposter!Copy !req
140. Dan, is that you?Copy !req
141. Aw, come on!Copy !req
142. Oh, thank you so muchCopy !req
143. for mowing my lawn last week.Copy !req
144. Here. Have a mint.Copy !req
145. Lady, you could take
your mint and—Copy !req
146. Whoa, okay.
Calm down.Copy !req
147. Ma'am, are you sure this is
the Dan who mowed your lawn?Copy !req
148. That's him.Copy !req
149. He spent three hours
at my house on Thursday.Copy !req
150. Thank you, ma'am.Copy !req
151. That's him.Copy !req
152. She was like 100 years old!Copy !req
153. It doesn't prove anything!Copy !req
154. Eh, hi, Dan.Copy !req
155. Oh, what now?Copy !req
156. Hey, everybody, Dan's here!Copy !req
157. On behalf
of the whole neighborhood,Copy !req
158. we want to thank you for
everything you've done lately.Copy !req
159. Let's hear it for Dan!Copy !req
160. He's... modest.Copy !req
161. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
162. I am not crazy.Copy !req
163. Target is isolated.Copy !req
164. That seemed unnecessary.Copy !req
165. Sorry. Old habit.Copy !req
166. That's how
we used to do it in...Copy !req
167. the private school I went to.Copy !req
168. You used to grab
people off the street?Copy !req
169. Catholic school.Copy !req
170. Dr. Mettenburg, thank you for
seeing us on such short notice.Copy !req
171. Sure. Could you please
bring the patient this way?Copy !req
172. Hello, Dan.Copy !req
173. Tell me about yourself.Copy !req
174. Are you sure about this guy?Copy !req
175. He's supposed to be some kind
of miracle worker.Copy !req
176. He gets the hardest
of the hard cases,Copy !req
177. the sickest,
most depraved wack j—Copy !req
178. Aah! Stop it!Copy !req
179. No! What is wrong
in your brain?Copy !req
180. Hey, pal, if you didn't
want to know about my childhood,Copy !req
181. you shouldn't have asked!Copy !req
182. Well, thanks
for wasting my time.Copy !req
183. While you guys were busy
playing doctor,Copy !req
184. that imposter
has had ample timeCopy !req
185. to work whatever
nefarious scheme he's concocted.Copy !req
186. We're going to help you
through this, buddy.Copy !req
187. I hate you.Copy !req
188. That doctor was our best shot.
What are we gonna do now?Copy !req
189. Well, there is a procedure
in which the connectionsCopy !req
190. of the prefrontal cortex
of the brain are severed.Copy !req
191. Wait.
Isn't that a lobotomy?Copy !req
192. People call it different things.Copy !req
193. What the...?Copy !req
194. I'm just saying I really feelCopy !req
195. there's something in there
worth saving.Copy !req
196. I don't know, Chris.Copy !req
197. We might have just come
to the end of the road.Copy !req
198. Guys, he's here.Copy !req
199. Okay, Dan,
show us this imposter.Copy !req
200. Look in the window.Copy !req
201. There's nobody there.
This is just sad.Copy !req
202. Nobody there?Copy !req
203. Think I'm crazy?
I'll show you who's crazy!Copy !req
204. - May I help you?
- He's real.Copy !req
205. What are you doing
in my apartment?Copy !req
206. Oh, well,
this is my apartment.Copy !req
207. Everything that you
used to have is mine.Copy !req
208. I'm Dan now.Copy !req
209. You're going to have to find
yourself a new identity.Copy !req
210. Why would anyone
want to be Dan?Copy !req
211. I'm so glad
you asked that, Elise.Copy !req
212. And by the way,
you don't look anythingCopy !req
213. like the unflattering drawings
Dan has of you in his journal.Copy !req
214. You've been reading my journal?Copy !req
215. What does he mean,
"unflattering"?Copy !req
216. You ask why Dan?Copy !req
217. Well, most people have
a network of friends and familyCopy !req
218. who know and love them,Copy !req
219. making it near impossible
to steal their identities,Copy !req
220. but Dan here
is off-putting and angry.Copy !req
221. Off-putting?
Angry?Copy !req
222. That's just the tip
of the iceberg.Copy !req
223. Tell me, what do
you have to showCopy !req
224. for your lifetime of apathy
and petty vengeance?Copy !req
225. Well, I—
I have a foosball table,Copy !req
226. so I got that going for me.Copy !req
227. You don't even like foosball.Copy !req
228. He's right.
I'm an air hockey man.Copy !req
229. You have alienated
everyone in your lifeCopy !req
230. except for Chris and Elise,Copy !req
231. and I have a feeling at least
one of them is gettable.Copy !req
232. Attack!Copy !req
233. Let's hear him out.Copy !req
234. What exactly do you want?Copy !req
235. Oh, I've already got it.Copy !req
236. A place to live, a television.Copy !req
237. A kitty who loves me,Copy !req
238. and friends
all over the neighborhood,Copy !req
239. friends who know me as Dan,
the neighbor who cares,Copy !req
240. Dan, the neighbor who lives
in apartment eight.Copy !req
241. So if you
don't leave immediately,Copy !req
242. I'll be forced to shoot you
in self-defense.Copy !req
243. Good day.Copy !req
244. That last part sounded
a little like you.Copy !req
245. You have to admit
the identity thiefCopy !req
246. chose his target pretty well.Copy !req
247. As far as people who have
isolated themselves from—Copy !req
248. I don't want to hear it!Copy !req
249. I'm sure this will all work out.Copy !req
250. You can stay with us until then.Copy !req
251. For no more than one week.Copy !req
252. We've got to get that guy
out of my apartment.Copy !req
253. I should be preparing
for my court date.Copy !req
254. Chris, promise meCopy !req
255. if they send me
to the calaboose—Copy !req
256. - The what?
- He means prison.Copy !req
257. If they send me away,Copy !req
258. promise me you'll
take care of Mr. Mumbles.Copy !req
259. - But that guy has him.
- Also smother that guy.Copy !req
260. I will not.Copy !req
261. Chris will not be committing
any capital crimes, Dan.Copy !req
262. How can you be so selfish
in my time of need?Copy !req
263. All right,
if you won't help me with that,Copy !req
264. at least help me
get back into my apartment.Copy !req
265. How do you plan to do that?Copy !req
266. Do you still have your Halloween
costume from three years ago?Copy !req
267. I never throw away
a Halloween costume.Copy !req
268. Wait. Why?Copy !req
269. You know, at first,
I thought it was cuteCopy !req
270. that a lady cat was given
the name Mr. Mumbles,Copy !req
271. but now I think he just
didn't know you're a girl.Copy !req
272. This is pretty funny.Copy !req
273. But all jokes aside,
this guy is just not well.Copy !req
274. Hey, take it easy.Copy !req
275. Couldn't you have gotten
into the boxCopy !req
276. at the top of the stairs?Copy !req
277. He might have seen us.Copy !req
278. Also I'm tired.Copy !req
279. What's he doing?Copy !req
280. Looks like he's reading
your journalCopy !req
281. and snuggling
with your teddy bear Brutus.Copy !req
282. Et tu, Brutus?Copy !req
283. Hey, Chris, nice costume.Copy !req
284. Uh, I'm the delivery guy.Copy !req
285. Oh, I get it.
Come on.Copy !req
286. Hey, the moustache
looks really good on you.Copy !req
287. You should think
about growing one.Copy !req
288. Really? Thanks.Copy !req
289. I assume that's Dan
in the box there.Copy !req
290. He's onto us!Copy !req
291. Quick! Smother him
with your big, meaty hands!Copy !req
292. Uh, no.Copy !req
293. What's that?Copy !req
294. Oh, nothing, really.
I just made a pie,Copy !req
295. strawberry rhubarb magic.Copy !req
296. Do you know what?
Come on in.Copy !req
297. I've got extra
and a whole gallon of ice cream.Copy !req
298. Chris, don't do it!Copy !req
299. It's strawberry rhubarb, Dan.Copy !req
300. I'm not made of stone.Copy !req
301. Et tu, Chris?Copy !req
302. You're eating ice cream?Copy !req
303. Dan's lactose intolerant.Copy !req
304. Well, Chris, old pal,
you'll find that these days,Copy !req
305. I'm a lot more tolerant
of everything.Copy !req
306. Wow.Copy !req
307. So how'd you get
the crust so flaky?Copy !req
308. Oh, in my last identity,
I was a baker.Copy !req
309. Psst, Mr. Mumbles.Copy !req
310. Mr. Mumbles, I need your help.Copy !req
311. Okay, here's what
you're going to do.Copy !req
312. Go over to fake Dan and—Copy !req
313. now this part's very important—Copy !req
314. I need you
to scratch his eyes out.Copy !req
315. Scratch them
right out of his head.Copy !req
316. We'll deal with Chris later.Copy !req
317. Godspeed, Mr. Mumbles.Copy !req
318. Et tu, Mr. Mumbles?Copy !req
319. This isn't over, you fiend!Copy !req
320. I'll get—Copy !req
321. Ohh. My back.Copy !req
322. Fine! I'll show you!Copy !req
323. I'll show both of you!Copy !req
324. Lousy backstabbing, no-good...Copy !req
325. Dan, what are you doing?Copy !req
326. Get out of our bedroom!Copy !req
327. Be right out.
Hi, honey.Copy !req
328. What do you think you're doing?Copy !req
329. Your husband sold me out
for some lousy pie.Copy !req
330. His identity is forfeit.Copy !req
331. I happen to need an identity
while I work this thing out,Copy !req
332. so I'm Chris now.Copy !req
333. No. No way.
Take off those clothes.Copy !req
334. Oh, you.Copy !req
335. Why don't you make me some dinner
like a good wife for once?Copy !req
336. We have fun.Copy !req
337. Of course, sweetheart.Copy !req
338. Why don't you sit down at the table,
and I'll bring you some dinner?Copy !req
339. You know something, Chris?Copy !req
340. I got to come correct
with you here.Copy !req
341. It occurs to me that
I don't appreciate you enough.Copy !req
342. No, no. I don't.Copy !req
343. Uh, we just met.Copy !req
344. Don't you recognize me, old pal?
I'm Dan.Copy !req
345. Exactly how stupid
does that journal say I am?Copy !req
346. Oh, pretty stupid.Copy !req
347. I can't eat any more.Copy !req
348. It's the fourth course already.Copy !req
349. What? Chris always
has this much food.Copy !req
350. You are Chris, right?Copy !req
351. And here's your grilled cheese
sandwich and a glass of milk.Copy !req
352. Oh, no!Copy !req
353. Lactose intolerance!Copy !req
354. That disguise doesn't fool me.Copy !req
355. I know who you are.Copy !req
356. It's not a disguise.Copy !req
357. It's my new identity.Copy !req
358. I've been thinking
about what you said,Copy !req
359. and you're right.Copy !req
360. I've spent my life alienating
and avoiding people.Copy !req
361. I've decided
to follow your exampleCopy !req
362. and get a fresh start.Copy !req
363. - Really?
- Dan's all yours.Copy !req
364. You can call me Biff,
Biff Wellington.Copy !req
365. - I don't know what to say.
- Say this.Copy !req
366. Say we'll be friends.Copy !req
367. Thank you, guys,
so much for coming.Copy !req
368. - Who is that?
- I have no idea.Copy !req
369. So...Copy !req
370. I don't get it.Copy !req
371. Get what, Chris?Copy !req
372. That you're just giving up.Copy !req
373. The Dan I know
doesn't give up, ever.Copy !req
374. Yeah. Well, I'm not
Dan anymore.Copy !req
375. Biff lets stuff go
all the time.Copy !req
376. What about all your things?Copy !req
377. Please.
You've seen Dan's things.Copy !req
378. And Mr. Mumbles?Copy !req
379. Biff's more
of a dog person, really.Copy !req
380. Wow.
You're really serious.Copy !req
381. Yup. Hey, thanks for letting me
have my new friends over.Copy !req
382. No problem, uh, Biff.Copy !req
383. Oh, and I invited Dan over.
I assume that's okay.Copy !req
384. The guy who stole
your life from you?Copy !req
385. I am officially
calling horsefeathers on this.Copy !req
386. Elise, don't question this!
Don't you see this isCopy !req
387. the best thing that's
ever happened to me?Copy !req
388. I mean, other than you,
of course.Copy !req
389. You know, 'cause you're—Copy !req
390. you know, you're— yeah.Copy !req
391. Hello, friends.Copy !req
392. Hi, Dan.Copy !req
393. Um...Copy !req
394. hi, Dan?Copy !req
395. There's got to be an angle here.Copy !req
396. I think he's serious.Copy !req
397. He's really changed.Copy !req
398. - Attention, everyone!
- Here we go.Copy !req
399. I just wanted
to raise a toast to Dan,Copy !req
400. the newest and best addition
to the neighborhoodCopy !req
401. we've had since—Copy !req
402. well, since I can remember.Copy !req
403. To Dan.Copy !req
404. Wow. I can't believe
how late it got.Copy !req
405. I know.
The time just flew by.Copy !req
406. Well, this has
just turned out swell.Copy !req
407. A little too swell.Copy !req
408. Oh, Elise.Copy !req
409. You are the living end.Copy !req
410. I'll say.Copy !req
411. Oh, my word.Copy !req
412. Dan, I actually have
a present for you.Copy !req
413. We better move back
a little bit.Copy !req
414. No, no, no.Copy !req
415. It's nothing dangerous,
I promise.Copy !req
416. Biff doesn't believe
in violence.Copy !req
417. But he does believe in referring
to himself in the third person.Copy !req
418. As a gesture to show youCopy !req
419. how committed I am
to a new life,Copy !req
420. I hereby surrender
to you my—Copy !req
421. well, now your—Copy !req
422. birth certificate,
Social Security card,Copy !req
423. and all the various documents
needed to proveCopy !req
424. that you are the real Dan.Copy !req
425. See? Biff is for real.Copy !req
426. This is exactly how it
played out in my wish journal.Copy !req
427. No, look! He's giving
everything away! That proves it!Copy !req
428. I'm touched.Copy !req
429. I'm truly touched.Copy !req
430. Well, you've inspired me.
I'll get the dishes.Copy !req
431. Okay, this is just weird!Copy !req
432. Elise, you're so cynical.Copy !req
433. Can't you just accept that—Copy !req
434. That's him, officers!Copy !req
435. Hey, wait.
What are you doing?Copy !req
436. Dan, you are under arrest.Copy !req
437. You have the right
to remain silent.Copy !req
438. Hang on a second.
This is all a big misunderstanding.Copy !req
439. You missed
your court date, punk.Copy !req
440. - But I'm not Dan.
- Yes, he is.Copy !req
441. Ah, now I get it.Copy !req
442. Wait. What's happening?Copy !req
443. No! Stop! Stop!Copy !req
444. That's Dan right there!Copy !req
445. Not me, officers.
My name is Biff,Copy !req
446. Biff Wellington.Copy !req
447. Let's see your ID.Copy !req
448. Listen, I-I...Copy !req
449. Not Dan, huh?Copy !req
450. Put him in the squad car.Copy !req
451. I'm going to get you
for this, Dan.Copy !req
452. I'll be back,
and you will rue the day,Copy !req
453. rue it!Copy !req
454. Awfully sorry
for the disturbance, folks,Copy !req
455. but don't you worry about him.Copy !req
456. He'll be going away
for a long time.Copy !req
457. No worries, officer.
You're just doing your job.Copy !req
458. Drive safely.Copy !req
459. We will.Copy !req
460. Dan, come back!Copy !req
461. Dan!Copy !req
462. Sneaky.Copy !req
463. All it took
was missing a court dateCopy !req
464. and one phone call to our helpful
law enforcement officers.Copy !req
465. I knew you hadn't changed.Copy !req
466. Why should I change?
I'm great.Copy !req
467. It's everyone else who sucks.Copy !req
468. But the new Dan made me pie,Copy !req
469. and Biff was so nice.Copy !req
470. Tough noogies, turncoat.Copy !req
471. It doesn't bother you
in the slightestCopy !req
472. that someone else is
going to prison for your crime?Copy !req
473. Hey, you want to steal
Dan's identity,Copy !req
474. you take the bad
with the good.Copy !req
475. I'm going home.
To my home.Copy !req
476. I need a ride.Copy !req
477. I could really get used to this.Copy !req
478. Aw, come on!Copy !req