Dan Vs.: Season 1, Episode 18

1. Do you realize how much trouble you are in, young man?

2. Your Honor, I don't see what the big deal is.

3. You crashed your car through the wall of a church

4. while a wedding was in progress!

5. It wasn't my fault!

6. There was a nun crossing the street against the light.

7. I was going to run her over.

8. And you were swerving to avoid her?

9. Yes.

10. All right. Well, in that case,

11. I will suspend your sentence

12. in exchange for 40 hours of community service.

13. Community service?

14. What has this community ever done for me?

15. - Dan, no. Take the deal. - No way!

16. Have it your way.

17. Trial will start one week from today at 9:00 a.m.

18. Could we do it a little later?

19. I like to sleep in, watch some TV.

20. Get him out of my sight.

21. Let go!

22. So I drove through the wall of a church?

23. What is that, a crime all of a sudden?

24. Yeah. So is fleeing the scene, resisting arrest,

25. and assaulting an officer.

26. It was a busy Sunday for you.

27. Community service isn't so bad, Dan.

28. You should have taken the deal.

29. It's the principle of the thing.

30. I don't help people willy-nilly.

31. Dan, hey!

32. Thank you so much for your help this weekend.

33. The shelter really appreciates your time.

34. I don't know you, pal. Back off.

35. - Wasn't me. - He knew your name.

36. Thanks for helping me change my tire, Dan.

37. This has been happening all week.

38. People keep mistaking me for someone else.

39. Someone else named Dan,

40. who apparently looks just like you.

41. Can I ask a question?

42. How have you been sleeping lately?

43. Lousy, like always. Why?

44. No reason. Just sometimes people do things in their sleep.

45. I once ate a pair of shoes.

46. Expensive shoes.

47. For the umpteenth time,

48. I am sorry I ate your shoes.

49. And you used half a bottle of my good shampoo.

50. For dipping.

51. Well, I don't want to hear this argument again.

52. I'm going home.

53. I have to make some "Free Dan" T-shirts.

54. Oh, sure, sure. Always happy to lend a hand.

55. It's just great work you're doing down at the soup kitchen, Jerry.

56. Did I leave the TV on?

57. You had better not be watching cartoons, Mr. Mumbles.

58. They'll rot your brains.

59. This Saturday? I'll be there.

60. Oh. Got to go, Jer.

61. Well...

62. this is embarrassing.

63. I figured you'd be at court at least another hour.

64. - Who are you? - Who are you?

65. - I'm Dan. - I'm Dan.

66. - Stop it. - Stop it.

67. I should probably just go.

68. Hey, those are my clothes!

69. Stop, clothes thief!

70. Who are you?

71. I told you already. I'm Dan.

72. The question is who are you?

73. DAN!

74. I'm Dan.

75. Where have you been? I said it was an emergency.

76. That's pretty much what you say instead of hello.

77. This is not okay. I am in crisis mode.

78. Notice anything different about this place?

79. It looks a little cleaner.

80. Uh-huh. And look at my phone bill.

81. I see a lot of telephone numbers.

82. They're charity organizations.

83. I've gotten several thank-you cards in the mail just today.

84. "Thank you, Dan, for your tireless efforts

85. on behalf of St. Dora's Home

86. for Children who Scream Uncontrollably."

87. When did you volunteer there?

88. That's my whole point!

89. I didn't! He did!

90. - He? - Dan, the other Dan.

91. We have to find him and stop him.

92. Oh, him. Right.

93. The "other Dan,"

94. the one who looks exactly like you.

95. Not exactly, but he wears my clothes.

96. Dan, you're having a psychotic break.

97. Frankly, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before now.

98. What are you talking about?

99. Look, you're under a lot of pressure from the trial,

100. and on some level, you loathe yourself.

101. Why would I loathe myself? I'm awesome!

102. Right. You're awesome.

103. You live in a rattrap hovel, no girlfriend, no career,

104. and every day, you fester in a stew of your own anger.

105. Who's angry? I'll kill you!

106. So you've created another Dan

107. who does nice things for people.

108. Does that sound like me?

109. No, it sounds like "Dan."

110. Stop air quoting at me!

111. There is an actual physical imposter out there,

112. and we are going to make him pay.

113. All right, Dan.

114. Let's go find "Dan."

115. Stop saying it like that.

116. Um, I'll be back.

117. Hello.

118. Elise, you know that thing we always thought would happen?

119. Well, it's happening. Dan has snapped.

120. Wait. How has Dan snapped? Clock tower?

121. No, alternate personality.

122. Huh. I would have bet the other way.

123. Didn't we have a contingency plan for this?

124. Sure. You isolate him.

125. I'll call the shrink my company uses

126. to reprogram enemy field agents.

127. Wait. They use him for what?

128. Uh, what?

129. You dropped out for a second there.

130. I'll see you in 15.

131. Sounds good. Got to go.

132. We'll find this guy.

133. Then you'll see I'm not crazy.

134. I'm sure we will, Dan. And then what?

135. Simple. I hit him over the head and take my clothes back.

136. Leaving the "Good Dan" nude and vulnerable.

137. Textbook.

138. Stop analyzing me!

139. For the last time, there is an imposter!

140. Dan, is that you?

141. Aw, come on!

142. Oh, thank you so much

143. for mowing my lawn last week.

144. Here. Have a mint.

145. Lady, you could take your mint and—

146. Whoa, okay. Calm down.

147. Ma'am, are you sure this is the Dan who mowed your lawn?

148. That's him.

149. He spent three hours at my house on Thursday.

150. Thank you, ma'am.

151. That's him.

152. She was like 100 years old!

153. It doesn't prove anything!

154. Eh, hi, Dan.

155. Oh, what now?

156. Hey, everybody, Dan's here!

157. On behalf of the whole neighborhood,

158. we want to thank you for everything you've done lately.

159. Let's hear it for Dan!

160. He's... modest.

161. This is ridiculous.

162. I am not crazy.

163. Target is isolated.

164. That seemed unnecessary.

165. Sorry. Old habit.

166. That's how we used to do it in...

167. the private school I went to.

168. You used to grab people off the street?

169. Catholic school.

170. Dr. Mettenburg, thank you for seeing us on such short notice.

171. Sure. Could you please bring the patient this way?

172. Hello, Dan.

173. Tell me about yourself.

174. Are you sure about this guy?

175. He's supposed to be some kind of miracle worker.

176. He gets the hardest of the hard cases,

177. the sickest, most depraved wack j—

178. Aah! Stop it!

179. No! What is wrong in your brain?

180. Hey, pal, if you didn't want to know about my childhood,

181. you shouldn't have asked!

182. Well, thanks for wasting my time.

183. While you guys were busy playing doctor,

184. that imposter has had ample time

185. to work whatever nefarious scheme he's concocted.

186. We're going to help you through this, buddy.

187. I hate you.

188. That doctor was our best shot. What are we gonna do now?

189. Well, there is a procedure in which the connections

190. of the prefrontal cortex of the brain are severed.

191. Wait. Isn't that a lobotomy?

192. People call it different things.

193. What the...?

194. I'm just saying I really feel

195. there's something in there worth saving.

196. I don't know, Chris.

197. We might have just come to the end of the road.

198. Guys, he's here.

199. Okay, Dan, show us this imposter.

200. Look in the window.

201. There's nobody there. This is just sad.

202. Nobody there?

203. Think I'm crazy? I'll show you who's crazy!

204. - May I help you? - He's real.

205. What are you doing in my apartment?

206. Oh, well, this is my apartment.

207. Everything that you used to have is mine.

208. I'm Dan now.

209. You're going to have to find yourself a new identity.

210. Why would anyone want to be Dan?

211. I'm so glad you asked that, Elise.

212. And by the way, you don't look anything

213. like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.

214. You've been reading my journal?

215. What does he mean, "unflattering"?

216. You ask why Dan?

217. Well, most people have a network of friends and family

218. who know and love them,

219. making it near impossible to steal their identities,

220. but Dan here is off-putting and angry.

221. Off-putting? Angry?

222. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

223. Tell me, what do you have to show

224. for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?

225. Well, I— I have a foosball table,

226. so I got that going for me.

227. You don't even like foosball.

228. He's right. I'm an air hockey man.

229. You have alienated everyone in your life

230. except for Chris and Elise,

231. and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.

232. Attack!

233. Let's hear him out.

234. What exactly do you want?

235. Oh, I've already got it.

236. A place to live, a television.

237. A kitty who loves me,

238. and friends all over the neighborhood,

239. friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares,

240. Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment eight.

241. So if you don't leave immediately,

242. I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense.

243. Good day.

244. That last part sounded a little like you.

245. You have to admit the identity thief

246. chose his target pretty well.

247. As far as people who have isolated themselves from—

248. I don't want to hear it!

249. I'm sure this will all work out.

250. You can stay with us until then.

251. For no more than one week.

252. We've got to get that guy out of my apartment.

253. I should be preparing for my court date.

254. Chris, promise me

255. if they send me to the calaboose—

256. - The what? - He means prison.

257. If they send me away,

258. promise me you'll take care of Mr. Mumbles.

259. - But that guy has him. - Also smother that guy.

260. I will not.

261. Chris will not be committing any capital crimes, Dan.

262. How can you be so selfish in my time of need?

263. All right, if you won't help me with that,

264. at least help me get back into my apartment.

265. How do you plan to do that?

266. Do you still have your Halloween costume from three years ago?

267. I never throw away a Halloween costume.

268. Wait. Why?

269. You know, at first, I thought it was cute

270. that a lady cat was given the name Mr. Mumbles,

271. but now I think he just didn't know you're a girl.

272. This is pretty funny.

273. But all jokes aside, this guy is just not well.

274. Hey, take it easy.

275. Couldn't you have gotten into the box

276. at the top of the stairs?

277. He might have seen us.

278. Also I'm tired.

279. What's he doing?

280. Looks like he's reading your journal

281. and snuggling with your teddy bear Brutus.

282. Et tu, Brutus?

283. Hey, Chris, nice costume.

284. Uh, I'm the delivery guy.

285. Oh, I get it. Come on.

286. Hey, the moustache looks really good on you.

287. You should think about growing one.

288. Really? Thanks.

289. I assume that's Dan in the box there.

290. He's onto us!

291. Quick! Smother him with your big, meaty hands!

292. Uh, no.

293. What's that?

294. Oh, nothing, really. I just made a pie,

295. strawberry rhubarb magic.

296. Do you know what? Come on in.

297. I've got extra and a whole gallon of ice cream.

298. Chris, don't do it!

299. It's strawberry rhubarb, Dan.

300. I'm not made of stone.

301. Et tu, Chris?

302. You're eating ice cream?

303. Dan's lactose intolerant.

304. Well, Chris, old pal, you'll find that these days,

305. I'm a lot more tolerant of everything.

306. Wow.

307. So how'd you get the crust so flaky?

308. Oh, in my last identity, I was a baker.

309. Psst, Mr. Mumbles.

310. Mr. Mumbles, I need your help.

311. Okay, here's what you're going to do.

312. Go over to fake Dan and—

313. now this part's very important—

314. I need you to scratch his eyes out.

315. Scratch them right out of his head.

316. We'll deal with Chris later.

317. Godspeed, Mr. Mumbles.

318. Et tu, Mr. Mumbles?

319. This isn't over, you fiend!

320. I'll get—

321. Ohh. My back.

322. Fine! I'll show you!

323. I'll show both of you!

324. Lousy backstabbing, no-good...

325. Dan, what are you doing?

326. Get out of our bedroom!

327. Be right out. Hi, honey.

328. What do you think you're doing?

329. Your husband sold me out for some lousy pie.

330. His identity is forfeit.

331. I happen to need an identity while I work this thing out,

332. so I'm Chris now.

333. No. No way. Take off those clothes.

334. Oh, you.

335. Why don't you make me some dinner like a good wife for once?

336. We have fun.

337. Of course, sweetheart.

338. Why don't you sit down at the table, and I'll bring you some dinner?

339. You know something, Chris?

340. I got to come correct with you here.

341. It occurs to me that I don't appreciate you enough.

342. No, no. I don't.

343. Uh, we just met.

344. Don't you recognize me, old pal? I'm Dan.

345. Exactly how stupid does that journal say I am?

346. Oh, pretty stupid.

347. I can't eat any more.

348. It's the fourth course already.

349. What? Chris always has this much food.

350. You are Chris, right?

351. And here's your grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of milk.

352. Oh, no!

353. Lactose intolerance!

354. That disguise doesn't fool me.

355. I know who you are.

356. It's not a disguise.

357. It's my new identity.

358. I've been thinking about what you said,

359. and you're right.

360. I've spent my life alienating and avoiding people.

361. I've decided to follow your example

362. and get a fresh start.

363. - Really? - Dan's all yours.

364. You can call me Biff, Biff Wellington.

365. - I don't know what to say. - Say this.

366. Say we'll be friends.

367. Thank you, guys, so much for coming.

368. - Who is that? - I have no idea.

369. So...

370. I don't get it.

371. Get what, Chris?

372. That you're just giving up.

373. The Dan I know doesn't give up, ever.

374. Yeah. Well, I'm not Dan anymore.

375. Biff lets stuff go all the time.

376. What about all your things?

377. Please. You've seen Dan's things.

378. And Mr. Mumbles?

379. Biff's more of a dog person, really.

380. Wow. You're really serious.

381. Yup. Hey, thanks for letting me have my new friends over.

382. No problem, uh, Biff.

383. Oh, and I invited Dan over. I assume that's okay.

384. The guy who stole your life from you?

385. I am officially calling horsefeathers on this.

386. Elise, don't question this! Don't you see this is

387. the best thing that's ever happened to me?

388. I mean, other than you, of course.

389. You know, 'cause you're—

390. you know, you're— yeah.

391. Hello, friends.

392. Hi, Dan.

393. Um...

394. hi, Dan?

395. There's got to be an angle here.

396. I think he's serious.

397. He's really changed.

398. - Attention, everyone! - Here we go.

399. I just wanted to raise a toast to Dan,

400. the newest and best addition to the neighborhood

401. we've had since—

402. well, since I can remember.

403. To Dan.

404. Wow. I can't believe how late it got.

405. I know. The time just flew by.

406. Well, this has just turned out swell.

407. A little too swell.

408. Oh, Elise.

409. You are the living end.

410. I'll say.

411. Oh, my word.

412. Dan, I actually have a present for you.

413. We better move back a little bit.

414. No, no, no.

415. It's nothing dangerous, I promise.

416. Biff doesn't believe in violence.

417. But he does believe in referring to himself in the third person.

418. As a gesture to show you

419. how committed I am to a new life,

420. I hereby surrender to you my—

421. well, now your—

422. birth certificate, Social Security card,

423. and all the various documents needed to prove

424. that you are the real Dan.

425. See? Biff is for real.

426. This is exactly how it played out in my wish journal.

427. No, look! He's giving everything away! That proves it!

428. I'm touched.

429. I'm truly touched.

430. Well, you've inspired me. I'll get the dishes.

431. Okay, this is just weird!

432. Elise, you're so cynical.

433. Can't you just accept that—

434. That's him, officers!

435. Hey, wait. What are you doing?

436. Dan, you are under arrest.

437. You have the right to remain silent.

438. Hang on a second. This is all a big misunderstanding.

439. You missed your court date, punk.

440. - But I'm not Dan. - Yes, he is.

441. Ah, now I get it.

442. Wait. What's happening?

443. No! Stop! Stop!

444. That's Dan right there!

445. Not me, officers. My name is Biff,

446. Biff Wellington.

447. Let's see your ID.

448. Listen, I-I...

449. Not Dan, huh?

450. Put him in the squad car.

451. I'm going to get you for this, Dan.

452. I'll be back, and you will rue the day,

453. rue it!

454. Awfully sorry for the disturbance, folks,

455. but don't you worry about him.

456. He'll be going away for a long time.

457. No worries, officer. You're just doing your job.

458. Drive safely.

459. We will.

460. Dan, come back!

461. Dan!

462. Sneaky.

463. All it took was missing a court date

464. and one phone call to our helpful law enforcement officers.

465. I knew you hadn't changed.

466. Why should I change? I'm great.

467. It's everyone else who sucks.

468. But the new Dan made me pie,

469. and Biff was so nice.

470. Tough noogies, turncoat.

471. It doesn't bother you in the slightest

472. that someone else is going to prison for your crime?

473. Hey, you want to steal Dan's identity,

474. you take the bad with the good.

475. I'm going home. To my home.

476. I need a ride.

477. I could really get used to this.

478. Aw, come on!