Dan Vs.: Season 1, Episode 15

1. It's time.

2. Now I'm not going to lie to you, Mr. Mumbles.

3. This is going to hurt, probably a lot,

4. but it has to be done.

5. Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm not a bad guy.

6. It's bath day, and that's final.

7. That wasn't so bad, was it?

8. What could that be?

9. Wait a second. Is that...

10. Oh, no!

11. My car! What is this?

12. Apparently an artist has turned

13. this clearly abandoned vehicle into a work of art.

14. It's not a work of art.

15. It's a car, my car!

16. This is your car? You're so lucky.

17. This piece is clearly a metaphor for man's love of cupcakes.

18. It's not a metaphor.

19. It's a car!

20. I think the artist is endorsing corporate greed.

21. This is vandalism, the worst ism there is,

22. if you don't count fascism.

23. And I guess racism is pretty bad.

24. Gordon Bennett, imagine the vision it takes

25. to see an ordinary car

26. and think, "This could be a work of art."

27. Yeah. All it needed was plastic frogs.

28. Hey, stop that!

29. You're defacing a masterpiece.

30. ART!

31. Stupid art.

32. Hey, mister, you dropped this.

33. Stupid kid.

34. Say, I'll give you ВЈ1,000 for that car.

35. Stupid British guy.

36. 1,000 pounds of what?

37. And you're driving on the wrong side of the road!

38. And now back to the Emmy Award winning

39. television series "Animal Butlers."

40. Ah, my favorite show.

41. And my favorite snack.

42. Hi, Dan.

43. Hi? There's no time for pleasantries!

44. We have to get to the Artfest.

45. We're getting revenge on art.

46. I don't want to get revenge on art today.

47. All I want to do is watch a little TV,

48. eat a cake, maybe take a nap.

49. You know, make it a Chris day.

50. What? Naked Chris day? Gross.

51. Put on some clothes, and meet me at the Artfest.

52. And hurry.

53. I said, "Make it a Chris day."

54. I'm not meeting you at Artfest, okay? Hello?

55. Did you say Artfest? That's a great idea.

56. We really need to get a piece of art

57. to cover the Dan-hole above the couch, don't you think?

58. Yeah, I really need to convince Dan

59. to give up the whole jetpack dream.

60. Let's go, Chris. Come on.

61. Put down the cake.

62. Fine.

63. Look at all this abstract garbage.

64. It's like somebody drank a bunch of paint and threw up.

65. Whatever happened to realism?

66. Stupid realism.

67. Care for a caricature?

68. AAA! Artist! Dragon stance!

69. Come on.

70. Don't you want a picture with your physical flaws

71. exaggerated in a mean-spirited way?

72. I have a middle school yearbook for that.

73. You'll be back!

74. They always come back!

75. I was thinking something classier.

76. This screams class.

77. You don't find it just a little tacky and tasteless?

78. I look at this, and I think,

79. "This is going to be a good morning.

80. I'm going to have a great day."

81. What about this one?

82. It really matches our carpet and drapes.

83. That's a farm. We don't live on a farm.

84. So? We don't have any talking sunflowers either.

85. - Let's just keep looking. - Fine.

86. I'm going to take that sign as a sign.

87. I guess I could live with this.

88. I like it 'cause it's food.

89. - Dan! - Chris.

90. Finally. Hope you don't mind.

91. I destroyed a bunch of art without you.

92. Gotcha!

93. This guy burned half the paintings in my booth.

94. And you ruined the one painting we agreed on.

95. Thanks, Dan.

96. Hey, arsonist,

97. you're going to pay for those paintings.

98. Let's see.

99. Eight paintings total.

100. That'll be $5.

101. $5? For all that?

102. I thought art was supposed to be priceless!

103. It's not revenge

104. unless we destroy real art.

105. Real art?

106. Yeah, the expensive stuff.

107. Gentlemen, I apologize.

108. I wasn't aware you were no-talent hacks.

109. I'm after legitimate artists.

110. Chris, to the Danmobile.

111. Sorry, Dan.

112. I promised Elise we'd find a painting.

113. Come on, Elise. I saw some more talking sunflowers over there.

114. You know what, Chris?

115. I think I'd rather keep looking by myself.

116. Really? Why?

117. I can't believe she thinks I have bad taste.

118. Well, when I get back from this museum,

119. I'll be the most educated, refined art lover that ever lived.

120. She'll see. I mean, it's just art.

121. How complicated could it be?

122. What's this supposed to be, a steering wheel?

123. This isn't helping at all.

124. How am I supposed to tell the good art from the bad?

125. It's all bad.

126. All right, back to basics.

127. No open flames in the museum.

128. Hey, that's my favorite lighter!

129. You think I won't hurt an old man?

130. I'll hurt an old man!

131. Unhand me!

132. He's getting away!

133. Museum food tastes like plastic.

134. Another reason why art must suffer.

135. You can't touch the art.

136. Um, neither of us are touching any art, grandpa.

137. First of all, that's my grandpa, not yours,

138. and second, you're sitting on a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.

139. The bench? The bench is art now?

140. And the sandwich.

141. Oh. Sorry.

142. Wasn't there also an apple pie?

143. This whole art thing is just so frustrating.

144. It's giving me a stomachache.

145. I think some of that exhibit was toxic.

146. That's him!

147. That's the guy I should be after,

148. the so-called "artist" who ruined my car.

149. Come on, Chris.

150. I don't know. I should probably go to the hospital.

151. I ate a whole plastic pie.

152. No time! We have a mission.

153. to make Art Artstein art history.

154. Let's go.

155. That's right.

156. Get that arts-crement off my car.

157. I love that car.

158. One day, when I have grandchildren,

159. I hope to sell it to them.

160. So do you have a plan yet?

161. Of course. I trick a lady into marrying me,

162. make her have kids, and make those kids have kids.

163. - It's pretty simple. - I meant about Art Artstein.

164. Glad you asked.

165. We'll break into the museum tonight

166. and destroy Artstein's exhibit before it even opens.

167. Breaking in? What about security?

168. That's why we're going to need a team— tech guy,

169. driver, explosives expert, some extra muscle,

170. and if we can, two translators.

171. - Which one are you? - I'm the frontman.

172. - Well, which one am I? - You're the grunt.

173. What's the grunt do?

174. Anything the frontman says.

175. Now go buy the items on this list.

176. Napalm?

177. Wait. What are you going to do?

178. I am going to assemble a team

179. of world-class art haters.

180. I need the files of your rejected applicants,

181. the more soured on art, the better.

182. I don't understand.

183. Are you applying to the Academy of Art School?

184. Attend art school? Do I look like a joke to you?

185. Just give me the files.

186. I'm not giving you our private records.

187. Well, maybe this will change your mind.

188. Are you trying to bribe me with a sandwich?

189. Come on. Aren't you a starving artist?

190. It's a really good sandwich.

191. Playing hardball, huh?

192. - They're ruffled. - Get out of my office.

193. Who needs a bunch of wussy art school rejects anyway?

194. What are the chances one of them

195. would also be a tech genius? Not very good. I know that.

196. You say, "Tech genius"?

197. Are you proficient in technology?

198. I once lived inside a computer box for six months.

199. Perfect.

200. Hi, you. Any luck?

201. Eh. Still on the hunt.

202. I'd help you, but I guess I don't have any taste.

203. Come on. Don't be like that.

204. If it makes you feel any better, I can't tell this stuff apart either.

205. Me neither. In fact, earlier today,

206. - on accident, I ate some. - You did what?

207. Nothing.

208. Listen. I'm going to be back a little late tonight.

209. I once played checkers with Frank Sinatra.

210. Not the singer, the clown.

211. I don't know why, but I like you.

212. You speak cat?

213. You pick up certain things on the street.

214. Aliens! Get 'em off me!

215. Relax. It's just Chris.

216. I knew that.

217. Who is this?

218. - He's our tech guy. - He smells awful.

219. Beggars can't be choosers. No offense.

220. I could be the tech guy.

221. You're the grunt. Deal with it.

222. All right, turn around.

223. Up you go.

224. Wow. He's heavy.

225. What does this guy eat?

226. - Anything. - Nice.

227. Me too.

228. Why didn't you go one at a time?

229. Grunts don't ask questions. Aha!

230. Oh, well. We tried.

231. Oh, no.

232. Art Artstein isn't getting off that easy.

233. Uh, you know what?

234. This is really more grunt than frontman.

235. You're welcome.

236. I'm fine.

237. Time to let the cat out of the bag.

238. - She says she's ready. - What do you mean, she?

239. Girl cat.

240. Wait. In what context did you discover that?

241. Uh, we're wasting time.

242. I couldn't have asked for a better explosives expert.

243. Hmm. Something's tripping all the motion sensors.

244. Looks like some kind of spastic fireball.

245. - Go check it out. - I'm on it.

246. It's a pussycat! I need backup!

247. - I'm in position. - Great.

248. Tell Mr. Mumbles to keep those guards busy

249. for as long as possible.

250. I don't think that guy really speaks cat.

251. Sure he does.

252. This is art?

253. Not for long.

254. Let's get to work.

255. Ruffled. Nice touch.

256. Maybe I could bring something home for me and Elise.

257. What do you think of this one?

258. I don't like it. It's broken.

259. You guys are in trouble. They gave up on the cat.

260. I think they're headed right for you.

261. - This will do. - Are you guys safe?

262. Good work. Tacos?

263. What about the tech guy? Shouldn't we wait?

264. Every war has its casualties. Let's go.

265. There you are.

266. We almost got tacos without you.

267. Hey, you found my lighter.

268. Thank you, Tammy. By the way, love the blouse.

269. I'm here live at the downtown art museum.

270. Oh! Mr. Mumbles, quick! It's on!

271. What was once expected to be a ho-hum art exhibit

272. is now the cultural event of the year.

273. - What? - So tell me, Art,

274. what inspired you to vandalize your own masterpieces?

275. It's a metaphor for society.

276. That— it's brilliant, simply brilliant.

277. This stunt will surely guarantee

278. even more fame and fortune for Art Artstein.

279. And by the way, everything's for sale.

280. No.

281. Mm, no.

282. No, no, no.

283. What do you think, honey?

284. Do you like the cubist, the surrealist,

285. or the abstract lmpressionist?

286. Honestly, I'm starting to like the hole.

287. - What now? - There's no way to ruin art.

288. What do you mean? We ruined it.

289. I thought we did, but somehow we made it better.

290. Wait. People liked our pointless squiggles?

291. But if that's art and benches are art

292. and sunflowers are sometimes art

293. and then some art can be eaten even though it shouldn't be,

294. then— but—

295. I am never going to figure this out!

296. If there's no way to ruin art that already exists,

297. I'll have to cut it off at its source.

298. Art Artstein, prepare for a close encounter

299. of the Dan kind.

300. Hmm. I guess if anyone could explain art to me,

301. it'd be someone named Art.

302. Okay, the news said his workshop is in an old toy factory.

303. Well, that all sounds fine, except there are dozens

304. - of old toy factor— - There it is!

305. You got lucky.

306. - Hello. - Hi. Can you let us in?

307. I've got one of your models out here.

308. You think I look like a model?

309. Sure. You could be the before picture.

310. Model down here?

311. I'm his agent.

312. This place is weird.

313. Which is why we're destroying it.

314. Hey! Watch it, Sinatra!

315. Disrobe.

316. Don't you guys want to...

317. - talk first? - No.

318. Where am I?

319. Artstein?

320. I don't think that was him.

321. Wow. So lmpressionism

322. is basically just realism with an emphasis on light.

323. Basically.

324. This seems important.

325. Drat.

326. If I only had my crowbar.

327. Art does have a use.

328. I spoke too soon.

329. But, boss, we don't have the manpower

330. to fill all these orders.

331. I don't care.

332. Open another sweatshop somewhere.

333. Paint mayo jar on a baby?

334. This is just random.

335. - I knew art was meaningless. - Who are you?

336. I'm the guy who figured out you're a fraud.

337. Oh, come on.

338. People go gaga for this stuff.

339. It doesn't have to have meaning.

340. It's all about money.

341. Well, we'll see how much money you make

342. when I tell the world about your machine.

343. You won't be telling anyone.

344. Hey, I just had an idea for a new project.

345. I'm going to paint the town red

346. with your blood.

347. Oh, no! Please be okay!

348. Please be okay!

349. Maybe I can fix it.

350. Now that's what I call a work of art.

351. Elise! Elise, I'm back.

352. I met a bunch of artists and I learned all about art.

353. I even got a souvenir. Ta-da!

354. Wow.

355. Wow. Chris.

356. I know.

357. Real artists made this in Art Artstein's factory.

358. Pretty sweet, huh?

359. Oh. You bought the farm.

360. It was the only thing I could settle on.

361. It was the only thing I could settle on.

362. Well, you know,

363. it's a solid piece of American genre painting.

364. I mean, nice brushwork, good use of negative space.

365. I guess you did learn about art.

366. Notice the way the piece follows you around the room?

367. Wow, Mr. Mumbles.

368. Ever since I laid ruin to Art Artstein's factory,

369. displaced his cronies,

370. and destroyed his idea generating machine,

371. I have been unusually productive.

372. I don't like the sound of that.

373. Ladies and gentlemen.

374. Not this guy again!

375. When my factory was destroyed,

376. I was down and out.

377. By the way, if anyone has seen my elephants,

378. please call my 800 number.

379. Now thanks to the funding from our great city,

380. I am proud to present my new original creation,

381. "Unnamed Jerk."

382. It's the first in a series.

383. It's me!

384. Well, maybe some art is okay.

385. I don't get it. What does it mean?

386. It doesn't mean anything. It's rubbish.

387. This is just ugly.

388. Seriously?

389. You sheep wouldn't know real art if it ruined your car!

390. Aw, come on!