Dan Vs. 1x14

1. So I'll pick you up around 7:00?

2. Sounds like fun.

3. Okay.

4. See you then.

5. One haircut, my good man,

6. and make me look dashing.

7. Sounds like somebody's got a date.

8. Well, hop up.

9. I do have a date. She's cute,

10. and she likes zombie spaghetti westerns,

11. a cinematic subgenre of which I consider myself a connoisseur.

12. We are going to see "A Fistful of Brains" tonight.

13. She sounds like the perfect girl.

14. Don't I know it.

15. And pretty too.

16. Why do you have her driver's license?

17. To run a background check,

18. make sure she's not a serial killer

19. or an organ donor.

20. They don't always wait till you're dead, you know.

21. Possibly the future ex-Mrs. Dan...

22. if she plays her cards right.

23. Well, don't worry.

24. I'll make sure you look nice and handsome for your date.

25. No!

26. You made me a monster!

27. Wait!

28. You forgot your lollipop!

29. Maybe it's not so bad.

30. My apologies, sir.

31. She is usually so calm.

32. I am so sorry about your obviously horrible,

33. grotesquely disfiguring accident.

34. BARBER!

35. It's not that bad.

36. Okay, it's pretty bad.

37. You know, he did this on purpose

38. to ruin my date.

39. That seems a little paranoid.

40. Why would a barber— wait.

41. - Date? - Yes, date.

42. Seriously? With a real, live girl?

43. And just what are you implying?

44. What are you telling her?

45. I'm sorry. I just don't—

46. I mean, how does that even—

47. I mean, how did you get her to say yes?

48. The Dan method.

49. She totally fell for it.

50. First, I ask her about the book she was reading.

51. Then, during our conversation,

52. I discovered that she likes a lot of the same stuff I like.

53. Then we talked about that stuff.

54. It was masterful, if I do say so myself.

55. Yes, devious. You talked to her.

56. And he found out that they had a lot in common.

57. Staggering.

58. I'm picking up a lot of sarcasm here,

59. but I'm not getting what it's about.

60. I'm not trying to be snarky.

61. I'm just impressed. That's great.

62. It was great,

63. and then that ham-fisted hack barber did this to me.

64. Now I'll have to cancel my date.

65. Why? If a girl really likes you,

66. a bad haircut won't make a difference.

67. What do you know about what women like?

68. - You married Chris. - Hey.

69. Anyway, I can't see Becky

70. until my hair grows back.

71. Why don't you just shave your head?

72. Scalp fungus.

73. I just need a temporary excuse,

74. something simple and plausible.

75. Hello.

76. Hi, Becky. It's Dan.

77. Bad news. The FBI just discovered

78. a new species of penguin, beautiful and endangered,

79. and they want me to club one to death

80. and dissect it immediately.

81. The FBI?

82. Yeah. They're doing that now.

83. So I leave for the north pole tonight.

84. But penguins live at the south pole.

85. Yeah. Everybody's pretty surprised.

86. Anyway, I won't be able to go to the movie tonight.

87. Mm, that's okay.

88. My friend Mike really wanted to see it.

89. I'll just go with him.

90. Oh, Mike.

91. Good.

92. Mike. Mike.

93. Well, anyway, I'll be back in three weeks or so.

94. - I'll call you then. - Bye.

95. She's going with Mike?

96. Man, I hate that barber.

97. Help me get back at him.

98. - I'd rather not. - It'll take 10 minutes.

99. You hold him down, and I cut off his hands.

100. Hmm. No.

101. Maybe something less...

102. felonious.

103. What, like the barber gave me a bad haircut,

104. so I give him a bad haircut?

105. Wow! Real—

106. hey.

107. Can I borrow your hedge trimmers?

108. Well, I guess there's nothing left to do but...

109. Now where could you have gone?

110. Now I know where you're headed.

111. That'll teach you to personalize your work space.

112. Who likes surprises?

113. Whatever it is, do not let it loose in here.

114. No.

115. I rented us a cabin by the lake!

116. What?

117. Can't a guy do something nice for his best friend?

118. And Elise?

119. I have to lay low anyway

120. while my hair gets back to its vibrant sheen.

121. Why not spend it with the people I treasure?

122. That's actually really sweet, Dan.

123. I don't believe him.

124. - What about the barber? - You know,

125. I got there ready to retaliate,

126. but then I thought, "No. No.

127. The barber can make me look like a monster,

128. but he won't make me a monster."

129. I still don't believe you.

130. By the way, your hedge trimmer broke.

131. What? It was working fine yesterday.

132. It's a good reminder that life is fleeting

133. and eventually all things die.

134. It's important to live in the moment.

135. So you're really letting this go?

136. Yep. I'm growing as a person.

137. That haircut,

138. you're letting the barber get away with doing that to you?

139. Chris, Dan is turning a corner.

140. He's asking girls out, renting cabins.

141. - We should be encouraging this. - You should.

142. You guys wait here. I just need to pick up the key.

143. Oh! I got here just in time.

144. Federal Key lnspection Agency.

145. I'm sorry to inform you several of these— keys!

146. Go, go, go! Go! Go!

147. - What's wrong? - Nothing.

148. Everything's fine. Go!

149. This is it.

150. It's beautiful!

151. Yeah, the perfect place to relax.

152. There he is,

153. my archnemesis.

154. Becky? Wait a minute!

155. My binoculars!

156. What is it, Dan?

157. It's Becky!

158. The barber's her father!

159. "Oh, I'll make you handsome for your date."

160. I'll make him sorry.

161. I'm going to need a ladder.

162. Does he ever take a break?

163. You know, it's gotten so I don't even hear it anymore.

164. It's just white noise at this point.

165. Well, I've got all the stuff.

166. Come on, Chris. Let's go.

167. I'm going to stay here with Elise.

168. I did not rent this cabin for the weekend

169. so you could just bask in luxury.

170. Kind of what you sold us on.

171. I already told you I lied about that.

172. Let it go. Now come on.

173. - I'm not going. - Seriously?

174. Seriously?

175. Ungrateful Chris and stupid Elise.

176. That's the last time I pretend to rent them a cabin.

177. Hey, what was that?

178. Dad, there's someone in the bushes.

179. Becky, get my killing scissors.

180. Stop! Stop right there!

181. Hey, you! Stop!

182. That was a wonderful dinner, Chris—

183. Kobe beef, white truffles,

184. caviar. Wow.

185. Yeah, the fridge was stocked.

186. I mean, Dan must have paid a fortune for this cabin.

187. Check it out. Complimentary bottle of champagne.

188. Box of expensive chocolates.

189. Shall we celebrate?

190. We shall.

191. Dan may be a pain in the neck,

192. but he really came through for us.

193. To Dan.

194. Uh, excuse me?

195. Who are you,

196. and what are you doing in our cabin?

197. Your cabin? No, there must be a mistake.

198. This is...

199. - Dan. - Dan.

200. Oh, I hope they throw the book at you,

201. you delinquents.

202. This is all a misunderstanding.

203. We're very sorry about all this.

204. Chris. Hey, Chris.

205. Now is not a good time, Dan. We're being arrested.

206. What did you do?

207. We didn't do anything.

208. You told us you rented this cabin.

209. Oh, right. I lied about that.

210. Hey, when you get done at the police station,

211. can you help me break into the barber's cabin?

212. I messed up, and now—

213. I am not helping you do anything ever again.

214. We both know you don't mean—

215. Still think he turned a corner?

216. That is your last "I told you so."

217. One more, and you join Dan in a shallow grave.

218. Weren't you wearing handcuffs a second ago?

219. Amateurs.

220. So hungry.

221. Hey, finders keepers.

222. Okay! Let's negotiate!

223. Hmm? What?

224. Oh, time to get up?

225. Thanks.

226. What do you mean you don't have grappling hooks?

227. Sir, grappling hooks are not exactly

228. a standard vacation supply.

229. Of course they are!

230. Who goes on vacation without—

231. Becky.

232. Don't tell her I'm here.

233. Hey, Clark. Just picking up some orange juice.

234. Question for you, Becky.

235. Are you friends with a little guy

236. covered in scratches?

237. Mm, doesn't ring any bells. Why?

238. Dan?

239. Hi, Becky.

240. I thought you were in the Arctic.

241. Expedition got canceled.

242. Turns out you were right.

243. Penguins only live at the south pole.

244. Why are you...

245. Here? Dressed in black?

246. Smelling like raccoon? Long story.

247. - How was the movie? - It was good.

248. Mike really liked it.

249. Oh, Mike.

250. Good for Mike.

251. Hey, can I call you soon? Maybe we could go see

252. "Treasure of Sierra Zombie" or something.

253. You bet.

254. Becky, you left your keys.

255. I'll catch her.

256. Perfect.

257. Uh, Dad...

258. your hair.

259. Who could have done this?

260. Well, it took a lot of work

261. but I got even with the barber.

262. Now I can sleep.

263. Good night, Mr. Mumbles.

264. Hello, Dan.

265. I'm not going to hurt you, Dan...

266. yet.

267. Oddly, that's less reassuring than I'd like it to be.

268. I am here to declare a barber vendetta on you.

269. Barber vendetta?

270. Did you think barbers just cut hair?

271. Of course not. They also sing in quartets.

272. Since the dawn of Western civilization,

273. barber surgeons were responsible for surgery...

274. dentistry...

275. and bloodletting.

276. Bloodletting, Dan.

277. You have insulted me, Dan.

278. I am here to declare

279. the Hallowed Society of Barber Surgeons

280. is going to end your life! Soon!

281. And you won't see it coming!

282. Sleep well.

283. Hello.

284. You've got to help. He's going to kill me.

285. - I'm sorry. Who is this? - It's Dan!

286. Right. I had a friend named Dan,

287. - but he is dead to me now. - What?

288. Fine! Fine. Who needs you?

289. I'll handle it myself.

290. Barber was just trying to scare me, anyway.

291. What? Was that a comb?

292. Aw, come on, guys.

293. It's my first day.

294. Hmm. You're so tense.

295. I did just spend a day in jail.

296. Yeah, well, let's just forget all about—

297. - Dan. - Exactly.

298. No, Dan's hiding in our bushes again.

299. I swear I'm going to set a bear trap in there someday.

300. Come on in, Dan.

301. Whew. Nice to be in a place

302. where they don't want to kill you.

303. I wouldn't assume that.

304. For the last time, I'm sorry about the cabin.

305. Also for the first time.

306. Are you sorry because you lied to us,

307. or are you just saying sorry because you need our help?

308. Eh. Look, what's important is

309. barbers have a shadowy, secret organization.

310. Sure, the Hallowed Society of Barber Surgeons.

311. How did you know that?

312. Eh. The good news is that any organization like that

313. is bound to have a rigid code of conduct.

314. If you can find out what the rules are,

315. - you can exploit them. - Great! Will you help me?

316. - Nope. - Oh, please!

317. I'll do anything. I'll—

318. I'll rent you a cabin. For real.

319. Wow. That works much better than a hedge trimmer.

320. I knew it. You broke my—

321. Shh. Let's go.

322. That's it!

323. I hereby challenge you

324. to the ritual of Taglio dei Capelli.

325. at sundown today.

326. You can't challenge me.

327. You're not a member of the Society.

328. According to bylaw 537G,

329. anyone marked for death by the Society

330. may issue a challenge.

331. You, beat me in a haircutting competition?

332. Good luck.

333. If you win, you can kill me on the spot.

334. I can only assume

335. your weapon of choice is poison of some kind.

336. Really?

337. See you at sundown, barber.

338. I don't like this at all.

339. Relax.

340. Cutting hair is the easiest job in the world.

341. Let the Taglio dei Capelli begin!

342. We will each have 15 minutes to give a haircut.

343. Then the judging will begin. Becky.

344. Hi, Dad.

345. Wait a minute. We'll be graded on a curve, right?

346. I mean, given what each of us has to start with.

347. I can only do so much with Monkeyface here.

348. You're welcome for helping you.

349. Start the clock.

350. Okay, I'd like to keep it short on the sides and back,

351. and even out the— ahh!

352. Be quiet. I'm trying to work here.

353. Hey, not fair.

354. Oh, did I bump you?

355. I'm sorry.

356. Don't worry. I can even it out.

357. My hair!

358. Dan! Be careful!

359. If Chris loses an ear, I will be very angry!

360. Great! More pressure!

361. Don't worry. It's fixable. I'm onto his tricks now.

362. Two can play at this game.

363. Mike!

364. - Stop squirming, sweetie. - Mike!

365. Oh, Mike!

366. Why?

367. I got to be honest. This is pretty hard.

368. You know, Dan,

369. you really shouldn't have cut my dad's hair in his sleep.

370. That wasn't nice.

371. Nice? Just look at what your dad did to me...

372. on purpose,

373. just to stop me from taking you to the movies.

374. Is that true?

375. Uh, kind of.

376. Well, you shouldn't have lied to me anyway.

377. I don't care what your hair looks like, Dan.

378. I thought you were funny and...

379. - cute. - You did?

380. You did?

381. After all this is over, why don't we go see

382. "Too Much Gold for One Zombie"?

383. You mean it?

384. Yes, but you have to stop lying.

385. And more importantly,

386. you have to stop choosing anger and revenge

387. over more important things.

388. You know, maybe we did let this get out of hand.

389. Yeah! Winner!

390. So, "Too Much Gold for One Zombie"?

391. Never speak

392. to me again.

393. This is more like it.

394. Yeah, real nice.

395. Not perfect, though.

396. Yeah, not bad.

397. - Hey, guys. - Yes, Dan?

398. Do you think I made the wrong choice,

399. revenge over love?

400. - Yes, Dan. - Me too.

401. Well, I don't.

402. Well, at least you haven't learned anything.

403. Thanks for renting this cabin, Dan.

404. It's just what I needed.

405. Dan!