1. These are the worst injuries
I've seen in the whole of my career.Copy !req
2. What happened to him?Copy !req
3. I don't know,
but they say he saved the world.Copy !req
4. Nooooooooo!Copy !req
5. This must heaven and
you must be Jah - big up yaself.Copy !req
6. Can I come in please?Copy !req
7. We've already got TuPac and Biggie,
heaven's not ready for another angel.Copy !req
8. Go back to earth Ali,
your work there is not yet done.Copy !req
9. Nuff said.Copy !req
10. While I iz up here I couldn't get
an extra couple of inches could I?Copy !req
11. No, 11 is enough for any man.Copy !req
12. Hold on. It just moved.Copy !req
13. Throw your hands in the air
And push'em up like you just don't careCopy !req
14. And if you're ready to rock and
raise the roof on top then somebody sayCopy !req
15. Oh yeah!Copy !req
16. Hey you don't stop. Push em up now
Put your hands up, come on, raise the roof.Copy !req
17. Ooooh.
Push it up, push it up!Copy !req
18. Recognise!Copy !req
19. Me iz got
a blackbelt in keepin it real,Copy !req
20. dat is why every week
me get sent 100s of letters,Copy !req
21. some of dem is photographs,
fankyou Joanne Slaney..Copy !req
22. I don't fink I will ever
eat a chunky Kit Kat againCopy !req
23. but most of dem is about realnessCopy !req
24. and about special
the gift of how nice life is.Copy !req
25. In fact just yesterday me walked into
St. Christopher's hospital in ChertseyCopy !req
26. dere me saw a
tiny baby nestlin' on its mothers chest,Copy !req
27. it woz de most
wonderful fing I iz ever seen.Copy !req
28. It was just a shame the baby's head
was blocking me view of de full nip.Copy !req
29. Me fought about dat baby
and me worried about its futureCopy !req
30. coz dere is so much
baddness on de streets.Copy !req
31. Unfortunately dere will always be crime
becoz it gives u such a WIKID buzz.Copy !req
32. Dat's why earlier on
me met dat coppa off CrimewatchCopy !req
33. to get 'im to explain to de youth
de dangers of weapons. Peace.Copy !req
34. De filth, scum, pig, dese is some of
the terrible fings the police is called.Copy !req
35. Other fings include de fuzz
and de fuzzy muff.Copy !req
36. You gotta give the flange respect
cos dey is keepin' the street safeCopy !req
37. from the most dangerous weapons.Copy !req
38. Dis is Detective Super Intendent
David Hatcher from the police,Copy !req
39. he is here to show some of the
terrible weapons that brothers is usingCopy !req
40. on brothers every day.
Ain't that right. Now what is these?Copy !req
41. Right this is, er, basically it's
two bits of wood, it's called a chucker,Copy !req
42. sometimes it's called a flail.Copy !req
43. So where can you get
these kinds of thing from?Copy !req
44. Well you can't buy them
in this country legally.Copy !req
45. For real. So which countries
can you buy these things from?Copy !req
46. Er, I'm not going to advertise
where they can come from.Copy !req
47. What has we got in here?Copy !req
48. Right this looks like a,
this is actually a very small knife,Copy !req
49. a dagger that, er, as you can see...Copy !req
50. Ah nice, that is an interesting fing.
And how much is one of dese?Copy !req
51. To buy? - Aii.
- I've no idea.Copy !req
52. Aii for real. So what about
this, is this well dangerous?Copy !req
53. That is wicked, what is that?
I've never seen that before.Copy !req
54. What is that is that well
dangerous if you go like thatCopy !req
55. and then like flick that
around? What is that?Copy !req
56. It's dangerous which ever
way you look at it, isn't it?Copy !req
57. I mean it's got a sharp point,
it's got a blade, er...Copy !req
58. Dat is mental, man, I mean, I ain't
never seen anything like that.Copy !req
59. How do you carry that,
like that or...?Copy !req
60. So what if you is lets say in
the kitchen and you is chopping carrotsCopy !req
61. with a machette or somefing cos
you don't have anything and thenCopy !req
62. the phone ring and then it slip
into your sock and you don't know andCopy !req
63. then you is running to get a bus
and it fall into someone's arm you knowCopy !req
64. a couple of times,
is that legal or illegal?Copy !req
65. You got a wild imagination.Copy !req
66. Aii but me is finkin' about the law.
Would that be legal or illegal?Copy !req
67. I'd say that's absolutely illegal,
no court is gonna believe thatCopy !req
68. that sequence of events
was really likely to occur.Copy !req
69. So would this be legal to carry
around with you? Cos that is...Copy !req
70. No, because that's
designed only for one purpose.Copy !req
71. Aii. For hurtin' someone.Copy !req
72. I mean you couldn't convince me that
you got that with you for anything legal.Copy !req
73. What if you just said you got it
for your pack lunch?Copy !req
74. I'd say convince the court, Ali, cos I
don't believe you. You're comin' with me.Copy !req
75. - Aii. Where?
- Down to the station.Copy !req
76. - What now?
- If you like...Copy !req
77. What do you mean?Copy !req
78. Alright, you is pretending to
be in the thing,Copy !req
79. I didn't understand
what you was talking about.Copy !req
80. Ok cool. What kind of excuses
do a court believe with knives?Copy !req
81. If it's the truth
and if it's reasonableCopy !req
82. then hopefully
the court will believe it.Copy !req
83. What I'm not going to do is give you
a list of things that I would suggestCopy !req
84. the court might believe
because you could use that excuseCopy !req
85. and it not really be true.Copy !req
86. So has you ever come in contact
with a criminal who can put in a handCopy !req
87. into someone's body and
take out the heart and just...Copy !req
88. Cos I know they is seen that
on the films and whatever but dey sayCopy !req
89. that if you is really trained at
Kung Fu whatever you can do that.Copy !req
90. There may be somebody who can.
It's news to me.Copy !req
91. Aii. So what is you gonna be doin'
with all dese weapons afterwards?Copy !req
92. Well, they'll be taken to an iron foundry
they will be melted down and destroyed.Copy !req
93. - So would you auction them?
- No.Copy !req
94. - What about if it was for charity?
- Not even for a charity.Copy !req
95. Alright, fank you very much Chief
Super Intendent. Big up, respect.Copy !req
96. Big it up for Dj Tha4orce, when him
touch dat multi-mix fader,Copy !req
97. him hotter dan dat girl from Tomb Raider.
Tha4orce!Copy !req
98. Gwan! Yu nuh 'ear?
Mek us galang now.Copy !req
99. tea... mek... wid... bwilin'... water...Copy !req
100. No, dat ain't in it!Copy !req
101. It's Friday night, it's channel 4, what
do you expect to see... muff!Copy !req
102. I has been gettin' a lot of complaints
that this show is too high brow.Copy !req
103. So I is had to cave in
and allow a bit of punani.Copy !req
104. I is well excited to introduce our
guest tonight, she is a business woman,Copy !req
105. called Anita from a
hestablishment called the Body ShopCopy !req
106. and I hear she can do amazing fings
with bananas, carrots and cucumbers.Copy !req
107. Switch over now, the faint hearted,
turn over, Mary Lighthouse,Copy !req
108. cos we is gonna have some genuine filth.
Brothers and sisters big it up for...Copy !req
109. Anita Rodlick.Copy !req
110. No offence, but you look a little bit
like a hippy, is you one?Copy !req
111. Yeah.Copy !req
112. Ain't it a bit hypocriticalist,
bein' a hippy and sellin' soap?Copy !req
113. No, it's the best, it's the best..
Can I.. I'm trying to sit like you.Copy !req
114. Don't sit like me, der is a
reason my legs is so far apart.Copy !req
115. It ain't physically possible
to get them any closer.Copy !req
116. So let me get this right, you go out
to dese third world countriesCopy !req
117. and you bring back some of deir produce.
Me know a few people who do that. Aii.Copy !req
118. Right, bet you do.Copy !req
119. What technique do you use to get
it pass customs, does you swallow itCopy !req
120. in a connie or
do you stick it up your batty?Copy !req
121. No, you, that's old fashioned.
You gotta look really straight,Copy !req
122. you have your hair back in a bun,
you dress with high heels, oh it's...Copy !req
123. - No, they'd never believe me.
- No, they wouldn't believe you.Copy !req
124. But it must be wicked bein' there,
what, cos they is all so poorCopy !req
125. that they would do
anything for like two p.Copy !req
126. You just go, ain't it:
Here's two p, dance like a bear,Copy !req
127. here's two p,
lick me shoes. Yeah, you do that?Copy !req
128. What they want
which would be very happyCopy !req
129. they want coffee, they
want anything that's addictive.Copy !req
130. Aii for real.
Well, I could sort that out.Copy !req
131. Now you'd be really...Copy !req
132. I would go out there,
rise a new untapped market.Copy !req
133. Now you do a lot of campaigning
out there to make their lives better.Copy !req
134. - Is dat true?
- I hope...Copy !req
135. Do you dream that one day
every village will have a MacDonalds?Copy !req
136. I would, I cannot think
of anything more disgusting.Copy !req
137. I is heard a terrible story that
in some countries they has onlyCopy !req
138. got Wimpy out there?Copy !req
139. What is the green house effect?Copy !req
140. It's the green house effect
is like everything just exploding.Copy !req
141. We went swimmin' in Brighton me and
me mates when we was really mashedCopy !req
142. and me mate Dave swallowed a bit of plop.
Is that because of the green house?Copy !req
143. Really no, no.
That is terrible. That is terrible.Copy !req
144. Anita.Copy !req
145. However, however,
don't knock faeces.Copy !req
146. I've got this special perfume for you.Copy !req
147. You is gonna bring out a shite.
Please don't do that.Copy !req
148. I don't want anyone cackin' on my show.Copy !req
149. I don't care how
big a business woman they is.Copy !req
150. No no. It's always going on.
It's always going on about skunk,Copy !req
151. so I got you made sexy skunk
and it has sweaty armpits,Copy !req
152. it has leather, it has
tobacco, sort of intimations of...Copy !req
153. Basically it
smell like me Julie. Alright.Copy !req
154. I've had nuff of dat already.Copy !req
155. - So that's sexy skunk.
- Would you ever sell clothes?Copy !req
156. - Yeah.
- Would they be made of natural fibres?Copy !req
157. They should be. Should be organic
fibres, hemp, flax. They should be.Copy !req
158. For real, cos me clothes is also
made of natural fibres. - Right.Copy !req
159. Dis is made out of an animal
called a cryllic, it live in Taiwan.Copy !req
160. In fact over tweny cryllics
was used to make me pants.Copy !req
161. - Is you against animal testing?
- I am, definetely.Copy !req
162. Would you still be against animal testin'
if it was a product for animals?Copy !req
163. Erm. Yeah, I don't think I've a right.
No, I think I would, yeah.Copy !req
164. Now I hope you don't mind but
I took the liberty ofCopy !req
165. - nicking some stuff from your shop.
- Oh my god.Copy !req
166. Now first up, here we go,
cleansingmilk. What's this? Very nice.Copy !req
167. Now me Julie don't believe in this
bottled face cream. - She doesn't?Copy !req
168. Me knock her up
some fresh stuff every day.Copy !req
169. It's true, it's true.
I tell you.Copy !req
170. I tell you it has
cleared up me Julie's spotsCopy !req
171. on both sets of her cheeks.
Would you..Copy !req
172. You're, you're absolutely,
you know, you're absolutely right.Copy !req
173. We have had submissions
over the years, presumably...Copy !req
174. I will give you
a submission later on if you want.Copy !req
175. We have had letters, we have had
serious statements, serious lettersCopy !req
176. from people saying that the
protein in semen actually works.Copy !req
177. Would you ever
consider bottling me stuff?Copy !req
178. - No.
- It's totally natural.Copy !req
179. And no animals has been
harmed making it...Copy !req
180. apart from me own beast.Copy !req
181. I think I'll give that one
a miss, give that one a miss.Copy !req
182. Well you'd have to be
pretty fast to give it a miss.Copy !req
183. Big her up Anita Rodlick.
Big up yourself.Copy !req
184. Represent.Copy !req
185. Doctors they is the
most powerful people in the world.Copy !req
186. They can give life
they can cure disease andCopy !req
187. they can ask to see a womans...
without, without gettin' slapped.Copy !req
188. But with power come responsilibity.Copy !req
189. Dat why earlier on me had a
discussion with de countriesCopy !req
190. top experts on medical ethics.
West Side.Copy !req
191. is plastic surgery a good fing?Copy !req
192. It's a, it's a good thing when you can
say you are correcting a disease.Copy !req
193. I 'as heard this rumour, it's
probably rubbish, that some girlsCopy !req
194. actually ask to get their
tombolas made smaller. Is that true?Copy !req
195. Well sometimes, yes, because some
women have problems with their back.Copy !req
196. But do you fink it can ever be morally
right to have a breast reduction?Copy !req
197. Well I think it can
if there is a genuine problem.Copy !req
198. So how do doctors
decide who gets the plastic,Copy !req
199. do they sit around and go
she's seriously mingin,Copy !req
200. she can get the plastic,
or do they goCopy !req
201. she's only a bit rough she don't
need the plastic, just go and bag it?Copy !req
202. You have to make your
judgement from seeing the patient,Copy !req
203. from listening to them, from
finding out what really the problems areCopy !req
204. and what possible solutions there are.Copy !req
205. Wouldn't it be great if we had
the technology to make sureCopy !req
206. that everyone was black.
Or is that a just a dream?Copy !req
207. - No you couldn't.
- Well ain't that a bit racialist?Copy !req
208. - I think, ern, no I don't think it is.
- That's a bit racialist, isn't it?Copy !req
209. I think it's
a bit racialist to suggest...Copy !req
210. Speak to the hand
cos the head ain't listening.Copy !req
211. Well I think it's a bit racist to
suggest that it would beCopy !req
212. a good thing for everybody to be black.Copy !req
213. You see your point was very interesting
you said why shouldn'tCopy !req
214. everybody be black, but that's
because you happen to be blackCopy !req
215. and you say I
want people to be like meCopy !req
216. Is it right to donate organs?Copy !req
217. Absolutely, it's a gift culture.Copy !req
218. Do you fink if you
is having a heart transplantCopy !req
219. it is right for you
to meet the person first?Copy !req
220. If you're having a
heart transplant the person is dead.Copy !req
221. Wiv transplant
when does it stop being you?Copy !req
222. When I say you I mean
I don't mean you,Copy !req
223. I mean like, you know,
if I, if you had transplant,Copy !req
224. which I don't know if
you has had or if you ain't.Copy !req
225. You know what I is sayin
when I say you?Copy !req
226. Alright let's change the subject
a bit. Let's talk about doctorsCopy !req
227. who is ending the lives of people
who is old and suffering.Copy !req
228. Do you think that is right?Copy !req
229. They set up a committee
of the good and the great,Copy !req
230. the house of Lords, two years
they spent looking at the issueCopy !req
231. in the end all twelve
say no law for euthanasia.Copy !req
232. But what has got
to do with the youth in Asia?Copy !req
233. I mean it ain't their fault
that these people are dying,Copy !req
234. they is thousands of miles away?Copy !req
235. Euthanasia means mercy killing,
literally means dying well,Copy !req
236. - we're not talking about...
- Why is you blaming asian kids?Copy !req
237. It's not Asian kids.Copy !req
238. Do you fink it's ever right to
switch off the life support machine?Copy !req
239. Ah it can be yes because
the life support machine is, er, isCopy !req
240. well if you like it's what used to be
described as an extrordinary meansCopy !req
241. of keeping somebody
alive, it's not basic care.Copy !req
242. So should you say you
has got two weeks to get better,Copy !req
243. if you don't, we
is using that plug for the tele?Copy !req
244. Check it now it time
for the last ever Borat. Realise.Copy !req
245. Dzienkuje! I come to Henley Regatta
where old English gentlemanCopy !req
246. look at young muscley boy in a
boat shaped as a man's chramCopy !req
247. This is most special event of summer
season, I come to find why. Jagshemash!Copy !req
248. What is Henley Regatta?Copy !req
249. It is a international regatta that was
founded about 160 years ago.Copy !req
250. Is there woman in club? -YesCopy !req
251. There can't be. Not as members. - Oh yes.Copy !req
252. But they are fantastic in a kitchen,
in a bed, but in a sport...Copy !req
253. In the sports they learn self control.Copy !req
254. Yes, what you mean...Copy !req
255. Yes, they become very athletic,Copy !req
256. - very attractive to western men.
- Yes, ah because they become strong.Copy !req
257. Not so strong but lithe and flexible.Copy !req
258. Is nice and this is beautiful badge
- These are...Copy !req
259. - the badges given out by the various...
- What does it mean thisCopy !req
260. That's Leander club
- And there is a pig, a pig on this?Copy !req
261. Yes it's a hippopotamus
- What is hippopo?Copy !req
262. Hippopotamus it's an animal in Africa
that swims in the water.Copy !req
263. - A fish?
- NoCopy !req
264. Like a pig but goes in the water
- Pig in the water...Copy !req
265. - A Hippo.
- You joke with me. This is English humour.Copy !req
266. - This is not English humour. This is true.
- A pig in the waterCopy !req
267. A pig who drink water
- Yes it swims in the waterCopy !req
268. - Live in the water?
- Not a pig, it's pig size, biggerCopy !req
269. And will we see this pig in the water
- No you won't, you'll see the boatsCopy !req
270. belonging to the
club that has pigs on its badge.Copy !req
271. Yes, yes, they have a pig on,
in the boatCopy !req
272. They have a little symbol
on the boat of the pig.Copy !req
273. Theres... And why do they
carry the pig in the boat?Copy !req
274. They don't carry,
they carry the symbol of itCopy !req
275. you know a little picture
like, like your badge. - YesCopy !req
276. Why do they show a picture of a pig on
a boat? - Because that's their symbol.Copy !req
277. - I don't know why.
- Why they chose a pigCopy !req
278. because in Kazakhstan
we say a pig is a dirty animal.Copy !req
279. You see it's not actually a pig
it's a hippo, but...Copy !req
280. - Hello.
- Hi.Copy !req
281. Hello, Congratulations
- Thank you.Copy !req
282. Congratulations
- Thank you.Copy !req
283. Congratulations
- Thank you.Copy !req
284. - We here have English tea.
- That's right, yes.Copy !req
285. - We've had our sandwiches.
- How many times have you been to England?Copy !req
286. - This is my first time.
- Oh right. And are you enjoying it?Copy !req
287. Is beautiful, everyone say that
it rain down like, how, you say..Copy !req
288. Cats and dogs? -... piss.
- No, we don't say that.Copy !req
289. You have wonderful moustache.Copy !req
290. I've had that for a very long time.Copy !req
291. - Mine is nothing compared to your...
- No, it just takes time.Copy !req
292. Your moustache is beautiful.
I am very jealous.Copy !req
293. - Well I appreciate you saying that.
- Thank you.Copy !req
294. May I ask you are a man
who does with another man?Copy !req
295. No. Definetely not.Copy !req
296. It's a very big national race
between these two local rivals.Copy !req
297. You back 'Bucks' and
I'll back 'Berks' right?Copy !req
298. - I back backs.
- And I back BerksCopy !req
299. You back 'Berks'.
- 'Come on Berks' you say, 'come on Bucks'.Copy !req
300. - Come on Bucks
- Come on BerksCopy !req
301. Come on the Bucks!
Come on the Bucks!Copy !req
302. There they are look, yes there
they are corning down there now.Copy !req
303. Motherf... hmmm.
Move.. Bucks!Copy !req
304. - Move the Berks.
- Motherfuck!Copy !req
305. Come on the fucking Bucks!Copy !req
306. - You can't say that.
- Why not?Copy !req
307. It's a swear word.Copy !req
308. So I have learnt lot about Henley,
I have had best day of my life.Copy !req
309. Jagshemash.Copy !req
310. Selector. Parents if your teenage
kids is suddenly lost a lot a weight,Copy !req
311. is lookin very pasty,
'avin mood swings and is spendingCopy !req
312. alota der time locked in
der rooms then they is almost certainlyCopy !req
313. into Indie music.
In me final bid to sort out dis evilCopy !req
314. me is invited on a man
who has got it worse dan most.Copy !req
315. Take one look at him and
see how bad the effects can be.Copy !req
316. You will be scared
'cos it's Jarvis Cocker.Copy !req
317. De show ain't finished yet, de
cleaners come on after we is finished,Copy !req
318. We is we is waitin for a big
pop star... Can you piss off please?Copy !req
319. It's me.Copy !req
320. Cumofit!
U look like a kiddy-fiddler.Copy !req
321. Now I first heard of you at the
Brit awards, when you went on stage andCopy !req
322. tried to bum Michael Jackson.
Why, why did you do dat?Copy !req
323. That's not quite what happened.Copy !req
324. But no matter how into
his music you is you should neverCopy !req
325. actually try and bum him.Copy !req
326. Would you like it if someone came up
to you now while you was on stage...Copy !req
327. and tried to bum you here?
Actually, don't answer datCopy !req
328. Now your new album is
called 'dis is hardcore'. Me bought it,Copy !req
329. invited round a couple of me mates,
and trust me it ain't hardcore.Copy !req
330. They got well eggy. Me, had to
stick on Shaving Private Ryan instead.Copy !req
331. Sorry.Copy !req
332. So Jarvis, which track would you
like me to help you out wiv today?Copy !req
333. Well I thought we could do
a song called 'Help the Aged'.Copy !req
334. Aii for real. The man, none other than
Jarvis big up lets take it to da fing.Copy !req
335. Big it up for
Jarvis Cocker in de house. Bo!Copy !req
336. Help the Aged!
One day they were just like you.Copy !req
337. Drinking,
smoking cigs and sniffing glue.Copy !req
338. Help the aged
- Help de motherfucking aged!Copy !req
339. Don't just put them in a home
- Don't put them in a mo fo home!Copy !req
340. Can't have much fun
in there all on their ownCopy !req
341. Me Nan is 63 her name be Sheila.
She always on de phoneCopy !req
342. to her motherfucking dealer
She rock de ghetto styleCopy !req
343. she always wear fila She still get
jiggy in her boyfriend's threewheelerCopy !req
344. I said OAP
- Yeah you know meCopy !req
345. Me said OAP
- Yeh you know meCopy !req
346. Me Nan cant live on her
little pension she smoke de herbCopy !req
347. just to ease de tension
She got a leakCopy !req
348. in a place I won't mention
De NHS call it water retensionCopy !req
349. bim bimma who stole me nan's zimma
bim bimma who stole me nan's zimmaCopy !req
350. bim bimma who stole me nan's zimma
it don't matter she free stone slimmaCopy !req
351. Help the Aged
- West Side in de House!Copy !req
352. Coz one day they were just like you
- Keep off the crack, keep off the crackCopy !req
353. Help the Aged
- Respect your nan!Copy !req
354. Coz one day you'll be older tooCopy !req
355. Shake your batty boy
shake your batty shake your battyCopy !req
356. Help the Aged
- Jarvis!Copy !req
357. The famous batty! Shakin the batty!Copy !req
358. Help the Aged
- Help yourself!Copy !req
359. Help the AgedCopy !req
360. Jarvis, big im up.
Me wanna big up everyone,Copy !req
361. all me guests tonight, Jarvis,
me dancers, Tha4orce, me audience,Copy !req
362. and everyone in the
country for keepin it real!Copy !req
363. Me said Bo Selector. Aii.Copy !req
364. It's da end of me series and me
wanna leave you wiv one final fought.Copy !req
365. Der is millions of different
types of people out der but it is importantCopy !req
366. never to forget where you come fromCopy !req
367. becoz black, white, brown or pakistani
we all come from de same place:Copy !req
368. de punani.
Dat where me come from,Copy !req
369. an dat is de place
me like to visit as often as me canCopy !req
370. Jah bless and keep it real.Copy !req