1. These are the worst injuries
I've seen in the whole of my career.
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2. What happened to him?
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3. I don't know,
but they say he saved the world.
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4. Nooooooooo!
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5. This must heaven and
you must be Jah - big up yaself.
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6. Can I come in please?
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7. We've already got TuPac and Biggie,
heaven's not ready for another angel.
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8. Go back to earth Ali,
your work there is not yet done.
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9. Nuff said.
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10. While I iz up here I couldn't get
an extra couple of inches could I?
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11. No, 11 is enough for any man.
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12. Hold on. It just moved.
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13. Throw your hands in the air
And push'em up like you just don't care
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14. And if you're ready to rock and
raise the roof on top then somebody say
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15. Oh yeah!
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16. Hey you don't stop. Push em up now
Put your hands up, come on, raise the roof.
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17. Ooooh.
Push it up, push it up!
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18. Recognise!
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19. Me iz got
a blackbelt in keepin it real,
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20. dat is why every week
me get sent 100s of letters,
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21. some of dem is photographs,
fankyou Joanne Slaney..
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22. I don't fink I will ever
eat a chunky Kit Kat again
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23. but most of dem is about realness
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24. and about special
the gift of how nice life is.
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25. In fact just yesterday me walked into
St. Christopher's hospital in Chertsey
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26. dere me saw a
tiny baby nestlin' on its mothers chest,
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27. it woz de most
wonderful fing I iz ever seen.
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28. It was just a shame the baby's head
was blocking me view of de full nip.
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29. Me fought about dat baby
and me worried about its future
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30. coz dere is so much
baddness on de streets.
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31. Unfortunately dere will always be crime
becoz it gives u such a WIKID buzz.
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32. Dat's why earlier on
me met dat coppa off Crimewatch
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33. to get 'im to explain to de youth
de dangers of weapons. Peace.
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34. De filth, scum, pig, dese is some of
the terrible fings the police is called.
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35. Other fings include de fuzz
and de fuzzy muff.
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36. You gotta give the flange respect
cos dey is keepin' the street safe
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37. from the most dangerous weapons.
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38. Dis is Detective Super Intendent
David Hatcher from the police,
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39. he is here to show some of the
terrible weapons that brothers is using
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40. on brothers every day.
Ain't that right. Now what is these?
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41. Right this is, er, basically it's
two bits of wood, it's called a chucker,
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42. sometimes it's called a flail.
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43. So where can you get
these kinds of thing from?
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44. Well you can't buy them
in this country legally.
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45. For real. So which countries
can you buy these things from?
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46. Er, I'm not going to advertise
where they can come from.
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47. What has we got in here?
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48. Right this looks like a,
this is actually a very small knife,
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49. a dagger that, er, as you can see...
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50. Ah nice, that is an interesting fing.
And how much is one of dese?
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51. To buy? - Aii.
- I've no idea.
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52. Aii for real. So what about
this, is this well dangerous?
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53. That is wicked, what is that?
I've never seen that before.
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54. What is that is that well
dangerous if you go like that
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55. and then like flick that
around? What is that?
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56. It's dangerous which ever
way you look at it, isn't it?
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57. I mean it's got a sharp point,
it's got a blade, er...
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58. Dat is mental, man, I mean, I ain't
never seen anything like that.
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59. How do you carry that,
like that or...?
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60. So what if you is lets say in
the kitchen and you is chopping carrots
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61. with a machette or somefing cos
you don't have anything and then
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62. the phone ring and then it slip
into your sock and you don't know and
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63. then you is running to get a bus
and it fall into someone's arm you know
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64. a couple of times,
is that legal or illegal?
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65. You got a wild imagination.
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66. Aii but me is finkin' about the law.
Would that be legal or illegal?
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67. I'd say that's absolutely illegal,
no court is gonna believe that
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68. that sequence of events
was really likely to occur.
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69. So would this be legal to carry
around with you? Cos that is...
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70. No, because that's
designed only for one purpose.
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71. Aii. For hurtin' someone.
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72. I mean you couldn't convince me that
you got that with you for anything legal.
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73. What if you just said you got it
for your pack lunch?
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74. I'd say convince the court, Ali, cos I
don't believe you. You're comin' with me.
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75. - Aii. Where?
- Down to the station.
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76. - What now?
- If you like...
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77. What do you mean?
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78. Alright, you is pretending to
be in the thing,
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79. I didn't understand
what you was talking about.
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80. Ok cool. What kind of excuses
do a court believe with knives?
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81. If it's the truth
and if it's reasonable
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82. then hopefully
the court will believe it.
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83. What I'm not going to do is give you
a list of things that I would suggest
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84. the court might believe
because you could use that excuse
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85. and it not really be true.
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86. So has you ever come in contact
with a criminal who can put in a hand
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87. into someone's body and
take out the heart and just...
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88. Cos I know they is seen that
on the films and whatever but dey say
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89. that if you is really trained at
Kung Fu whatever you can do that.
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90. There may be somebody who can.
It's news to me.
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91. Aii. So what is you gonna be doin'
with all dese weapons afterwards?
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92. Well, they'll be taken to an iron foundry
they will be melted down and destroyed.
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93. - So would you auction them?
- No.
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94. - What about if it was for charity?
- Not even for a charity.
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95. Alright, fank you very much Chief
Super Intendent. Big up, respect.
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96. Big it up for Dj Tha4orce, when him
touch dat multi-mix fader,
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97. him hotter dan dat girl from Tomb Raider.
Tha4orce!
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98. Gwan! Yu nuh 'ear?
Mek us galang now.
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99. tea... mek... wid... bwilin'... water...
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100. No, dat ain't in it!
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101. It's Friday night, it's channel 4, what
do you expect to see... muff!
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102. I has been gettin' a lot of complaints
that this show is too high brow.
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103. So I is had to cave in
and allow a bit of punani.
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104. I is well excited to introduce our
guest tonight, she is a business woman,
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105. called Anita from a
hestablishment called the Body Shop
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106. and I hear she can do amazing fings
with bananas, carrots and cucumbers.
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107. Switch over now, the faint hearted,
turn over, Mary Lighthouse,
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108. cos we is gonna have some genuine filth.
Brothers and sisters big it up for...
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109. Anita Rodlick.
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110. No offence, but you look a little bit
like a hippy, is you one?
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111. Yeah.
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112. Ain't it a bit hypocriticalist,
bein' a hippy and sellin' soap?
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113. No, it's the best, it's the best..
Can I.. I'm trying to sit like you.
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114. Don't sit like me, der is a
reason my legs is so far apart.
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115. It ain't physically possible
to get them any closer.
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116. So let me get this right, you go out
to dese third world countries
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117. and you bring back some of deir produce.
Me know a few people who do that. Aii.
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118. Right, bet you do.
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119. What technique do you use to get
it pass customs, does you swallow it
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120. in a connie or
do you stick it up your batty?
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121. No, you, that's old fashioned.
You gotta look really straight,
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122. you have your hair back in a bun,
you dress with high heels, oh it's...
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123. - No, they'd never believe me.
- No, they wouldn't believe you.
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124. But it must be wicked bein' there,
what, cos they is all so poor
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125. that they would do
anything for like two p.
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126. You just go, ain't it:
Here's two p, dance like a bear,
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127. here's two p,
lick me shoes. Yeah, you do that?
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128. What they want
which would be very happy
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129. they want coffee, they
want anything that's addictive.
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130. Aii for real.
Well, I could sort that out.
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131. Now you'd be really...
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132. I would go out there,
rise a new untapped market.
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133. Now you do a lot of campaigning
out there to make their lives better.
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134. - Is dat true?
- I hope...
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135. Do you dream that one day
every village will have a MacDonalds?
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136. I would, I cannot think
of anything more disgusting.
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137. I is heard a terrible story that
in some countries they has only
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138. got Wimpy out there?
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139. What is the green house effect?
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140. It's the green house effect
is like everything just exploding.
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141. We went swimmin' in Brighton me and
me mates when we was really mashed
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142. and me mate Dave swallowed a bit of plop.
Is that because of the green house?
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143. Really no, no.
That is terrible. That is terrible.
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144. Anita.
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145. However, however,
don't knock faeces.
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146. I've got this special perfume for you.
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147. You is gonna bring out a shite.
Please don't do that.
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148. I don't want anyone cackin' on my show.
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149. I don't care how
big a business woman they is.
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150. No no. It's always going on.
It's always going on about skunk,
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151. so I got you made sexy skunk
and it has sweaty armpits,
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152. it has leather, it has
tobacco, sort of intimations of...
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153. Basically it
smell like me Julie. Alright.
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154. I've had nuff of dat already.
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155. - So that's sexy skunk.
- Would you ever sell clothes?
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156. - Yeah.
- Would they be made of natural fibres?
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157. They should be. Should be organic
fibres, hemp, flax. They should be.
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158. For real, cos me clothes is also
made of natural fibres. - Right.
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159. Dis is made out of an animal
called a cryllic, it live in Taiwan.
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160. In fact over tweny cryllics
was used to make me pants.
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161. - Is you against animal testing?
- I am, definetely.
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162. Would you still be against animal testin'
if it was a product for animals?
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163. Erm. Yeah, I don't think I've a right.
No, I think I would, yeah.
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164. Now I hope you don't mind but
I took the liberty of
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165. - nicking some stuff from your shop.
- Oh my god.
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166. Now first up, here we go,
cleansingmilk. What's this? Very nice.
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167. Now me Julie don't believe in this
bottled face cream. - She doesn't?
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168. Me knock her up
some fresh stuff every day.
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169. It's true, it's true.
I tell you.
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170. I tell you it has
cleared up me Julie's spots
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171. on both sets of her cheeks.
Would you..
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172. You're, you're absolutely,
you know, you're absolutely right.
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173. We have had submissions
over the years, presumably...
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174. I will give you
a submission later on if you want.
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175. We have had letters, we have had
serious statements, serious letters
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176. from people saying that the
protein in semen actually works.
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177. Would you ever
consider bottling me stuff?
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178. - No.
- It's totally natural.
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179. And no animals has been
harmed making it...
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180. apart from me own beast.
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181. I think I'll give that one
a miss, give that one a miss.
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182. Well you'd have to be
pretty fast to give it a miss.
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183. Big her up Anita Rodlick.
Big up yourself.
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184. Represent.
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185. Doctors they is the
most powerful people in the world.
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186. They can give life
they can cure disease and
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187. they can ask to see a womans...
without, without gettin' slapped.
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188. But with power come responsilibity.
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189. Dat why earlier on me had a
discussion with de countries
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190. top experts on medical ethics.
West Side.
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191. is plastic surgery a good fing?
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192. It's a, it's a good thing when you can
say you are correcting a disease.
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193. I 'as heard this rumour, it's
probably rubbish, that some girls
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194. actually ask to get their
tombolas made smaller. Is that true?
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195. Well sometimes, yes, because some
women have problems with their back.
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196. But do you fink it can ever be morally
right to have a breast reduction?
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197. Well I think it can
if there is a genuine problem.
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198. So how do doctors
decide who gets the plastic,
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199. do they sit around and go
she's seriously mingin,
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200. she can get the plastic,
or do they go
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201. she's only a bit rough she don't
need the plastic, just go and bag it?
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202. You have to make your
judgement from seeing the patient,
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203. from listening to them, from
finding out what really the problems are
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204. and what possible solutions there are.
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205. Wouldn't it be great if we had
the technology to make sure
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206. that everyone was black.
Or is that a just a dream?
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207. - No you couldn't.
- Well ain't that a bit racialist?
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208. - I think, ern, no I don't think it is.
- That's a bit racialist, isn't it?
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209. I think it's
a bit racialist to suggest...
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210. Speak to the hand
cos the head ain't listening.
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211. Well I think it's a bit racist to
suggest that it would be
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212. a good thing for everybody to be black.
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213. You see your point was very interesting
you said why shouldn't
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214. everybody be black, but that's
because you happen to be black
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215. and you say I
want people to be like me
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216. Is it right to donate organs?
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217. Absolutely, it's a gift culture.
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218. Do you fink if you
is having a heart transplant
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219. it is right for you
to meet the person first?
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220. If you're having a
heart transplant the person is dead.
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221. Wiv transplant
when does it stop being you?
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222. When I say you I mean
I don't mean you,
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223. I mean like, you know,
if I, if you had transplant,
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224. which I don't know if
you has had or if you ain't.
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225. You know what I is sayin
when I say you?
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226. Alright let's change the subject
a bit. Let's talk about doctors
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227. who is ending the lives of people
who is old and suffering.
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228. Do you think that is right?
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229. They set up a committee
of the good and the great,
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230. the house of Lords, two years
they spent looking at the issue
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231. in the end all twelve
say no law for euthanasia.
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232. But what has got
to do with the youth in Asia?
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233. I mean it ain't their fault
that these people are dying,
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234. they is thousands of miles away?
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235. Euthanasia means mercy killing,
literally means dying well,
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236. - we're not talking about...
- Why is you blaming asian kids?
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237. It's not Asian kids.
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238. Do you fink it's ever right to
switch off the life support machine?
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239. Ah it can be yes because
the life support machine is, er, is
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240. well if you like it's what used to be
described as an extrordinary means
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241. of keeping somebody
alive, it's not basic care.
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242. So should you say you
has got two weeks to get better,
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243. if you don't, we
is using that plug for the tele?
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244. Check it now it time
for the last ever Borat. Realise.
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245. Dzienkuje! I come to Henley Regatta
where old English gentleman
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246. look at young muscley boy in a
boat shaped as a man's chram
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247. This is most special event of summer
season, I come to find why. Jagshemash!
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248. What is Henley Regatta?
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249. It is a international regatta that was
founded about 160 years ago.
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250. Is there woman in club? -Yes
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251. There can't be. Not as members. - Oh yes.
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252. But they are fantastic in a kitchen,
in a bed, but in a sport...
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253. In the sports they learn self control.
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254. Yes, what you mean...
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255. Yes, they become very athletic,
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256. - very attractive to western men.
- Yes, ah because they become strong.
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257. Not so strong but lithe and flexible.
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258. Is nice and this is beautiful badge
- These are...
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259. - the badges given out by the various...
- What does it mean this
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260. That's Leander club
- And there is a pig, a pig on this?
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261. Yes it's a hippopotamus
- What is hippopo?
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262. Hippopotamus it's an animal in Africa
that swims in the water.
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263. - A fish?
- No
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264. Like a pig but goes in the water
- Pig in the water...
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265. - A Hippo.
- You joke with me. This is English humour.
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266. - This is not English humour. This is true.
- A pig in the water
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267. A pig who drink water
- Yes it swims in the water
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268. - Live in the water?
- Not a pig, it's pig size, bigger
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269. And will we see this pig in the water
- No you won't, you'll see the boats
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270. belonging to the
club that has pigs on its badge.
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271. Yes, yes, they have a pig on,
in the boat
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272. They have a little symbol
on the boat of the pig.
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273. Theres... And why do they
carry the pig in the boat?
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274. They don't carry,
they carry the symbol of it
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275. you know a little picture
like, like your badge. - Yes
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276. Why do they show a picture of a pig on
a boat? - Because that's their symbol.
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277. - I don't know why.
- Why they chose a pig
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278. because in Kazakhstan
we say a pig is a dirty animal.
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279. You see it's not actually a pig
it's a hippo, but...
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280. - Hello.
- Hi.
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281. Hello, Congratulations
- Thank you.
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282. Congratulations
- Thank you.
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283. Congratulations
- Thank you.
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284. - We here have English tea.
- That's right, yes.
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285. - We've had our sandwiches.
- How many times have you been to England?
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286. - This is my first time.
- Oh right. And are you enjoying it?
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287. Is beautiful, everyone say that
it rain down like, how, you say..
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288. Cats and dogs? -... piss.
- No, we don't say that.
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289. You have wonderful moustache.
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290. I've had that for a very long time.
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291. - Mine is nothing compared to your...
- No, it just takes time.
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292. Your moustache is beautiful.
I am very jealous.
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293. - Well I appreciate you saying that.
- Thank you.
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294. May I ask you are a man
who does with another man?
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295. No. Definetely not.
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296. It's a very big national race
between these two local rivals.
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297. You back 'Bucks' and
I'll back 'Berks' right?
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298. - I back backs.
- And I back Berks
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299. You back 'Berks'.
- 'Come on Berks' you say, 'come on Bucks'.
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300. - Come on Bucks
- Come on Berks
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301. Come on the Bucks!
Come on the Bucks!
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302. There they are look, yes there
they are corning down there now.
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303. Motherf... hmmm.
Move.. Bucks!
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304. - Move the Berks.
- Motherfuck!
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305. Come on the fucking Bucks!
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306. - You can't say that.
- Why not?
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307. It's a swear word.
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308. So I have learnt lot about Henley,
I have had best day of my life.
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309. Jagshemash.
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310. Selector. Parents if your teenage
kids is suddenly lost a lot a weight,
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311. is lookin very pasty,
'avin mood swings and is spending
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312. alota der time locked in
der rooms then they is almost certainly
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313. into Indie music.
In me final bid to sort out dis evil
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314. me is invited on a man
who has got it worse dan most.
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315. Take one look at him and
see how bad the effects can be.
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316. You will be scared
'cos it's Jarvis Cocker.
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317. De show ain't finished yet, de
cleaners come on after we is finished,
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318. We is we is waitin for a big
pop star... Can you piss off please?
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319. It's me.
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320. Cumofit!
U look like a kiddy-fiddler.
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321. Now I first heard of you at the
Brit awards, when you went on stage and
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322. tried to bum Michael Jackson.
Why, why did you do dat?
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323. That's not quite what happened.
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324. But no matter how into
his music you is you should never
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325. actually try and bum him.
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326. Would you like it if someone came up
to you now while you was on stage...
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327. and tried to bum you here?
Actually, don't answer dat
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328. Now your new album is
called 'dis is hardcore'. Me bought it,
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329. invited round a couple of me mates,
and trust me it ain't hardcore.
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330. They got well eggy. Me, had to
stick on Shaving Private Ryan instead.
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331. Sorry.
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332. So Jarvis, which track would you
like me to help you out wiv today?
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333. Well I thought we could do
a song called 'Help the Aged'.
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334. Aii for real. The man, none other than
Jarvis big up lets take it to da fing.
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335. Big it up for
Jarvis Cocker in de house. Bo!
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336. Help the Aged!
One day they were just like you.
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337. Drinking,
smoking cigs and sniffing glue.
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338. Help the aged
- Help de motherfucking aged!
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339. Don't just put them in a home
- Don't put them in a mo fo home!
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340. Can't have much fun
in there all on their own
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341. Me Nan is 63 her name be Sheila.
She always on de phone
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342. to her motherfucking dealer
She rock de ghetto style
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343. she always wear fila She still get
jiggy in her boyfriend's threewheeler
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344. I said OAP
- Yeah you know me
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345. Me said OAP
- Yeh you know me
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346. Me Nan cant live on her
little pension she smoke de herb
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347. just to ease de tension
She got a leak
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348. in a place I won't mention
De NHS call it water retension
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349. bim bimma who stole me nan's zimma
bim bimma who stole me nan's zimma
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350. bim bimma who stole me nan's zimma
it don't matter she free stone slimma
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351. Help the Aged
- West Side in de House!
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352. Coz one day they were just like you
- Keep off the crack, keep off the crack
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353. Help the Aged
- Respect your nan!
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354. Coz one day you'll be older too
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355. Shake your batty boy
shake your batty shake your batty
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356. Help the Aged
- Jarvis!
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357. The famous batty! Shakin the batty!
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358. Help the Aged
- Help yourself!
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359. Help the Aged
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360. Jarvis, big im up.
Me wanna big up everyone,
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361. all me guests tonight, Jarvis,
me dancers, Tha4orce, me audience,
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362. and everyone in the
country for keepin it real!
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363. Me said Bo Selector. Aii.
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364. It's da end of me series and me
wanna leave you wiv one final fought.
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365. Der is millions of different
types of people out der but it is important
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366. never to forget where you come from
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367. becoz black, white, brown or pakistani
we all come from de same place:
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368. de punani.
Dat where me come from,
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369. an dat is de place
me like to visit as often as me can
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370. Jah bless and keep it real.
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