Da Ali G Show 1x5

1. Booyakasha.

2. Now class 4B,

3. let's talk about what you want to be

4. when you grow up. Emily.

5. I want to be a nurse.

6. I want to be a teacher just like you.

7. I wanna be a badass ghetto pimp.

8. You Ali G will never amount to anything.

9. You'll spend the rest of your life in Staines

10. and you will never be a gangsta rapper.

11. Neeevvverrrrrr

12. I used to think that I could not go on

13. And life was nothing but an awful song

14. There are miracles in life I must achieve

15. But first that change must start inside of me

16. I believe I can fly

17. I believe I can touch the sky

18. I think about it every night and day

19. I spread my wings and I fly away

20. I believe I can soar

21. I see me running through that open door

22. I believe I can fly

23. I can fly...

24. I believe I can fly

25. I can fly...

26. I believe I can fly

27. I can fly...

28. If I just spread my wings - I can fly

29. I can fly ay ay ay ay - I can fly

30. Uhhhhh...

31. fly, fly, fly

32. I iz hangin in de air - and so is de futures of a lot of kids out there.

33. There are two ways out of the ghetto - with an AK or with an BA.

34. De choice is yours.

35. Me went for the 2nd option

36. and actually got a GNVQ in Food Hygiene.

37. Me is so concerned with education

38. that me spend a lot of me time around the schools in Berkshire.

39. I turn up most days at around 4 o'clock outside de gates,

40. and hand out a little bit of me homegrown wisdom, Aiii.

41. Knowledge come at a price - about 12 squid an eighth.

42. One issue we need to start educating ourselves about is the environment.

43. Coz there is a massive hole in de Ozone an I ain't talkin about

44. Jamie Feakstons batty.

45. This hole makes our country getn warmer every year.

46. Within ten years time scientists say Britain could be as hot as Ibetha.

47. Let's make it happen.

48. Thats why I got three professors

49. and a Green Party spokesman into a room,

50. to discuss de environment. Check it!

51. Can you let me down now?

52. Cuz the harnes caught up. I think I might have trapped one.

53. Professor Michael, what is the idea of recycling?

54. The idea of recycling I would say was to

55. cut down on all the materials that go through our patterns of consumption.

56. Ain't it dirty to use something that has been used before?

57. If you think that almost everything we do has been used before

58. even the water we drink, we bath in...

59. What do you mean, used before?

60. - Its gone through eight human bodies. - What do you mean, passed through?

61. There are scientists here who know all about it.

62. They ve drunk it, its gone into the sewage, the river and

63. the water treatment and somebody else has drunk it.

64. So you is having a bath in someones, pardon me french, piss.

65. Yes that's right.

66. I'm never havin' a bath again, that's dirty.

67. - Is you serious about a bath? - Yeah, absolutely serious, yeah.

68. So is it, professor, is it alright to have a piss in the bath?

69. Yeah, as far as the water supply is concerned, fine.

70. Do you think though it is morally right to use recycled bog role.

71. I don't think we have a choice.

72. I sometimes use a sheet twice if it ain't got much on it,

73. - much dirt on it. Is that a good thing? - Yes it's alright.

74. Lets take it on to Global warming.

75. What would you prefer, no ozone or stinking pits?

76. You don't have to make that choice, there are different anti deodorants

77. without using those awful spray things, which I react to badly anyway.

78. I've never ever used one, in my life and I don t stink.

79. - Here smell my armpit man. - No I ain't.

80. He's scared, he's scared.

81. Ok, I've got here a deodorant can. Would you as a gesture use this?

82. No, thank you.

83. I ain't asking you to like nuke a forest or anything like that.

84. Would you at least have a spray of this?

85. No, I won't thank you very much.

86. Ok what's so good about the rain forest?

87. I mean it's not like anyone has ever lived there.

88. Well people do live there Ali. People do live there.

89. What is they living in a forest for?

90. Why are you living wherever you live?

91. Yeah, but why don't they move somewhere proper and then...

92. How do you define what is somewhere proper?

93. Well somewhere where they get TV and where they can have a laugh.

94. Your question is a good one.

95. Imagine that's the globe. All the plants on it are working to take

96. in carbon dioxide and give out oxygen or vice versa.

97. But what do you need the oxygen for?

98. Because you won't live without it.

99. So you is saying there is oxygen in this very room?

100. Oh yes, if there weren't we'd be having a very short discussion. Ali.

101. But ain't that something that you is just led to believe because of the media.

102. Ok let's bring it forward again.

103. GN food.

104. Can you modify any plant?

105. Pretty much yeah.

106. So is your research in developing the next generation of superskunks?

107. We're actually working on how plants resist diseases.

108. But ain't it true that you is now growing tomatoes from seeds.

109. Tomatoes have always been grown from seeds.

110. Do you think it's right that tomatoes is been grown from seeds?

111. If you look at what gets developed out of science it depends

112. on things that you've said, is it something we want to eat?

113. - And is there money in it. - That's the one.

114. And who funds. Very important, look at the size of the funds

115. of Green Peace or WWF. And they're unaccountable.

116. What has WWF got to do with this.

117. They're one of the big green lobbys.

118. The wrestlers!

119. Can I make a very important difference between...

120. Wait a sec, wait a sec, so this W..., is Hulk Holgan in there.

121. It's a big organisation with a lot of money and

122. a particular political agenda.

123. Ain't they making a mockery of themselves doing the wild life and the wrestling.

124. They're two different organisations.

125. Alright. Lets take this down

126. we is all come here with different views

127. and in this programme we is gonna be trying to bring them together

128. like increasing the peace.

129. We had a discussion and there're lots of agreements between us,

130. it's been interesting and quite moving.

131. Erm, its up to the young people watching

132. to decide that agenda and to listen and decide.

133. Alright I is gonna go round and I want you to say one word

134. that you want them at home to take home with them.

135. Margret. - Peace - Change, this is a restless earth.

136. One word.

137. Restlessness, no, change.

138. - Which one? - Change.

139. Change, the earth changes all the time - Right forget the restlessness.

140. Commitment.

141. Think.

142. Peace, restlessness, change - Commitment- It was?

143. Commitment, change.

144. Think.

145. Think and change your restless peace.

146. Yes, very good, very good - Very good.

147. I do the lyrics.

148. So, okay. My word is...

149. Respect.

150. Respect yourself,

151. respect the environment,

152. and respect...

153. you know,

154. other things.

155. No it time for bff, chka, bff, chka, bff b, borat

156. Dzienkuje. I have come here to greatest University in world, Cambridge,

157. where most famous men in world study: Isaac Newton, William Shakespeare,

158. Kenny Daglesh, Tompson Twins. To find why this is greatest

159. university in world. Jagshemash.

160. Hello. - Hello, welcome. Your name is Ian.

161. I've seen woman here in Cambridge today. Yes. - Why are they here?

162. Well because they also are clever.

163. Yes, we say in Kazachstan, that a woman who goes with book,

164. is like a horse with what you put on the horse. - A saddle. - Yes.

165. I mean the point is that half the world are women, - Yes, that's true.

166. and therefore half the intelligence and ability is with the women.

167. The only difference is that they are not creative.

168. Women haven't got creative minds - Its true.

169. - They can't think. - They cannot think properly.

170. We say in Kazakhstan, you find me woman with brain, I find you a horse with...

171. how you say- With wings. It's true. It's true. - Yes.

172. And what is the Cambridge ball? Everyone say the Cambridge ball.

173. Cambridge balls are just big things you dress up in white or black tie.

174. - It is like a party. - Yeah like a party.

175. And they bring women specially for this.

176. No there's no special women brought in you bring your own woman I'm afraid.

177. - And so they do not bring in prostitutes. - Absolutely not, no prostitutes.

178. - So how do you have party without? - Well in England we don't really use

179. prostitutes at parties - it's one of those odd things.

180. - Why not? - I don't know, just not tradition.

181. Will there be wrestling with no clothes and a horse polo?

182. Well there certainly won't be wrestling with no clothes. - Yes.

183. - There might be polo somewhere. - Yes.

184. I think that parties that you're thinking of you're not going to find here at all.

185. And will there be a woman, where you go and you do like sex with?

186. I'm sorry you're going to have to cut that off, that's an inappropriate question.

187. There will be no such partys. This is a serious university.

188. There is not going to be prostitution that you've just mentioned.

189. That would be inappropriate.

190. I'm sorry. Okay, forget the party.

191. I'm sorry that's, that's over.

192. When Cambridge students do not study, they like to play english game of cricket.

193. I learn to play please. Thank you.

194. You're left handed.

195. So you hold it with your top hand round there and your bottom hand there.

196. And when the ball comes, hit. Have your feet further apart.

197. Hold your bat there, and when the ball comes, watch me,

198. you pick up the bat there, put your front foot, no your front foot.

199. The right foot forward.

200. That's right.

201. - Can I just show you! - Why do you touch me so much?

202. No, no. Pick up the bat there no, no, leave the ball there.

203. Leave the ball alone.

204. - Up with the bat. - Yes.

205. And out to the ball.

206. - Could you try and do that. - Ok, no problem.

207. No, hands the other way round. That's right.

208. What did I do? No I didn't.

209. There, no,

210. no, no, no, no you can't. Just do this. Alright?

211. Im strong though, let me. - Alright, watch. There, that's all I want you to do.

212. Okay, okay. - All you have to do. Now, put your foot there.

213. And the bat comes down like that. But this foot should be over here.

214. Your foot, that's where the ball should be. And that you put there.

215. But the ball won't be standing still. It will bounce here and come up there.

216. - And that is a good shot. - And what do I do here?

217. - And you won't forget me? - No, way. No I'm gonna tell everyone.

218. - Borat like Barry. - What's your name anyway?

219. Borat like Barry- Borat like Barry - But people call me Steve.

220. - Steve, okay, Steve. - Yes they call me Steve, I...

221. Can I call you Brian?

222. - Yeah, why? - I don't know.

223. - Why, why? - No reason really.

224. In Kazakhstan there was Englishman he call me Steve.

225. Today I look for Steve, there is one Stevie, one Steven, no Steve.

226. Dzienkuje. So today we met the most intelligent people in Britain.

227. In one day in Cambridge I had more fun than six years at Almati university.

228. And best thing of all, government pay for this.

229. We have lot of lesson to learn. Dzienkuje.

230. You probably know that there has been some agro goin down

231. between my boys and the Walthom St. Lawrence crew.

232. If you lot don't stop making those phone calls to me nan

233. this is what I is gonna do to you Hassam B.

234. Nuff said.

235. We have one of the brightest young fings to have hit

236. our TV screen over da past few years.

237. She is one of the most fascinating young woman in Britain today and she is

238. a role model for thousands of girls in the new Millelium.

239. Brothers and sisters, nuff said, Gail Porter.

240. - Hello. - Hi - How are you?

241. Nice.

242. Do I call you Ali or Mr G?

243. Yeah, whatever.

244. Got a first question.

245. Me mate Dave sais he has shagged you, is that true?

246. - I don't know him. - Okay.

247. So how did you get into the tele?

248. Erm, I worked behind the scenes for a bit you know made coffee and tea

249. and was a runner.

250. Oh cool. I've heard you got an HND. - Yes.

251. Has you been to the clinic to sort it out.

252. I've got very effective cream, thank you.

253. - The rash is gone. - That is nice.

254. Although with a rash you would be nice too.

255. Let's talk about some of these pictures, because they is well nice.

256. Is it true they h'airbrushed your ass for that?

257. I just heard it through the tabloids and you know what they're like.

258. What did they say?

259. They phoned up and said they'd made my bottom a bit bigger.

260. Because they didn't hairbrush, it could have just had a quick shave of it.

261. Usually I wax, like I do my chaste. But I didn't, yeah.

262. Me Julie uses Immac. She has her thing done in da shape of Jamaica. Beautiful.

263. It make me feel spiritual when I is down there you know.

264. So what is your ambition?

265. I'm just going to make lots of money, be very famous and get a house in NY.

266. You are so fit.

267. Has you ever been to Berkshire?

268. Erm, I've been to Newport Pagnall.

269. Your should come to Berkshire, they have a dry slope skiing thing at Bracknell.

270. - Do you live there? - I live close.

271. It's a bit bright in here. Do you mind,

272. - if I turn down the lights? - Not at all.

273. It's a bit cold in here, innit?

274. Do you wanna sit a bit closer?

275. I'm quite comfy, do you want to sit over here? - Yeah.

276. - Nice. - My mum's watching. - Yeah.

277. If this goes well, you lot can fuck off out there.

278. - You got nice big eyes. - Thanks, so have you.

279. - Can I touch them? - If you want.

280. - Can I hold your hand? - If you want.

281. - Is this clean? - Yes.

282. I've just been to the toilet, but I've just washed them.

283. Is that the Puff Daddy or the Sting Version?

284. The Puff Daddy version. I'm not a batty Boy.

285. So yes or no?

286. Alright.

287. - Oh really? - Yeah.

288. Wicked. I'll finish up the rest of the show and get on with it.

289. Funk you very much, Gail Porter.

290. Check this. In America, it is legal to

291. carry machine guns for children as young as 14 years old. Wicked!

292. That's why I has come to the NRA. The National Rifle Organisation.

293. Check it.

294. - Has anyone ever been killed by a gun? - Yes.

295. - When? - I don't know, I...

296. So, what is the 'One gun a month' scheme?

297. One gun a month, you know, there's a proposal,

298. that would prohibit purchasing more than one gun a month.

299. - So that would only be like ten a year? - Twelve, or so. - Well, whatever.

300. I mean, if that law came into... place, and it was Christmas and

301. you wanted to get your niece a gun,

302. then her brother would be jealous if you ain't got him one as well.

303. Thats a very good point. Parents might feel that way.

304. And that could split up the family.

305. I don't know if you has got a brother or a sister?- I've a little brother.

306. Do you have any brothers or sisters?

307. I has got a sister, but she's a bit... Got one eye that go right. Bit nana.

308. Do you think there's a middle ground

309. between you and the gun people?

310. Well, we've tried, we've tried.

311. There's no middle ground there.

312. What about allowing guns but banning bullets?

313. What about that?

314. We would like to see great restrictions on bullets.

315. So, what about allowing bullets but banning guns?

316. Again, we wanna have strong restrictions on guns.

317. We would like to have strong restrictions on guns and bullets.

318. So what about... allowing guns and banning bullets?

319. No, I has done that one.

320. Okay, what about allowing guns but having bullets

321. that don't fit the guns? Would that be a way?

322. Again, in this country to pass a law we have to get past the

323. people who are making the money, making and selling the guns

324. and making the bullets and selling the bullets.

325. But the girls, they like the guns? The girls. They like the guns.

326. You got a little uzi, you was get some serious bitches.

327. But how much are they gonna like you after you've been shot and

328. you're in a wheelchair and can't go to the bathroom by yourself.

329. - Yeah, they ain't gonna like you then. - Or after you've been shot

330. and you're in a hospital and you're brain damaged going err...

331. How much are the girls gonna like you then?

332. Not much, but until that happen, they is gonna be well into you.

333. Yeah, but that's gonna happen pretty quick man.

334. - I am Ali. - Bob Kahn, how are you?

335. Very good. Very nice to see such a lovely shop.

336. Do you give these guns away to charity?

337. No. We used to give guns to the boy scouts. - Aii, that's a good idea.

338. That's heavy. So this is for, just walking down the street?

339. No, this is for police use. A lot of people have these on their boats

340. for protection on private boats.

341. - Can I go like that? - Sure.

342. It won't go off?- No. You promise? - I promise.

343. Ah. Fuck. - Wait a minute. Do it now. - Yeah.

344. Yes, that's a good feeling.

345. And then you press that? Then you press the trigger.

346. - It ain't gonna go off? - No, try it.

347. - Respect. Big up yourself. - Okay.

348. - You wanna give a shout out to anyone? - I've nothing to say, uh...

349. All right. You've got nothing to say to us at all?

350. Not anything, except I don't like,

351. your political system and I don't like your laws,

352. always regarding the guns.

353. Dis show an in fact me life is about keepin it real.

354. Realness come from remembrin who u is an where u is come from.

355. Me will always keep me roots an me will always live in Staines,

356. even when I hopefully move to Los Angeles.

357. Amazing Staines,

358. how sweet that sound.

359. Me grew up on de wrong side of de tracks

360. - me didn't know right from wrong I iz made me mistakes

361. - an yes I iz been burned.

362. I ain't been in a drive-by yet,

363. but god knows I iz been in plenty of drive-throughs

364. an me confess tonite I iz left some

365. without even payin for me Ketchup.

366. If u watchin dis please forgive me Mr. Ronald Macdonald.

367. I iz now makin a go of me life

368. don't let dem put me away-

369. Amazing Staines,

370. how sweet the sound.

371. Iver Heath,

372. Langley,

373. Eton Wick.

374. Chertsey,

375. Slough

376. and Maidenhead,

377. Heathrow,

378. Hounslow

379. and Staines.

380. From me and the Ministry of Praise,

381. good night... bo!