1. You Ali G
have been found guiltyCopy !req
2. of the charges of graffiti
and dealing andCopy !req
3. boning too hard and
being the baddest gangster,Copy !req
4. that Staines has ever seen.Copy !req
5. I by the power invested in me
by the state of BerkshireCopy !req
6. sentence you to death
by 5 billion volts of the electric.Copy !req
7. Pull the switch!Copy !req
8. Aghh, Julie, Julie,
me Julie! Me Julie. Aghh!Copy !req
9. All your electricity has done
is given me more powerCopy !req
10. to do Electric Boogaloo.Copy !req
11. Booyakasha.
Easy now.Copy !req
12. Me dedicate this show
to all the people on Death row in Britain.Copy !req
13. Me has read your letters
and whatever you has doneCopy !req
14. you don't deserve to fry.Copy !req
15. Because and me don't
want to scare people out there,Copy !req
16. but electricity ain't just used
to power windmills.Copy !req
17. It is also used to fry
innocent gangsters.Copy !req
18. So I is making a plea now
to President Blaires,Copy !req
19. please stop elocution
in this country.Copy !req
20. There is a long history
of injustice in this country:Copy !req
21. The Birmingham six, the Guildford sixCopy !req
22. and me meself was a member
of the Staines sevenCopy !req
23. who was all made to
do gym in our pants forCopy !req
24. walking on the all weather pitch
wiv non regulation trainersCopy !req
25. and I would do it again tomorrow,Copy !req
26. you will never crush
the Staines seven!Copy !req
27. Anyways in me quest for justice
me got to fly out to the USACopy !req
28. and they even let me go Economy class.Copy !req
29. SO check this.Copy !req
30. Peace. Over 15 murders
happen in the US every second.Copy !req
31. That is a well
scary percentage.Copy !req
32. When the coppers can't handle it
they call this special branchCopy !req
33. called the FB Aii!Copy !req
34. - So what actually is the FB?
- The FBI is the...Copy !req
35. Aii. - The FBI is the Federal Bureau
of Investigation,Copy !req
36. It's about 80 yrs old and was created
in the early part of this century.Copy !req
37. What is integeration?Copy !req
38. Interrogation really means
questioning a suspect.Copy !req
39. When I need to find some info from like
Little Ric or whatever,Copy !req
40. I take his head,
put it down and do a guff on his head,Copy !req
41. then he will speak.
Do you think you could use this technique?Copy !req
42. You know, when we are
trying to interrogate a suspectCopy !req
43. we use a certain amount
of psychological pressure.Copy !req
44. But if that failed, would you
not consider guffing on his head?Copy !req
45. No. I'm not saying
it doesn't happen,Copy !req
46. but not as often,
as movies make you think.Copy !req
47. I might suspect that you're
engaging in criminal activity...Copy !req
48. How would you know?Copy !req
49. Well say, one of my informers
would tell me...Copy !req
50. One from Berkshire police?Copy !req
51. No. Someone on the street, that I know
tells me, you areCopy !req
52. selling drugs out of your apartment.Copy !req
53. That ain't true! - No, but if one tells me
that your selling drugs.Copy !req
54. Who? - Just for example. One of
your friends tells me, thatCopy !req
55. you're selling drugs. And then another one
- Was it Dave?Copy !req
56. Then we can take that information
and go to a judge andCopy !req
57. say we have reason to believe
that Ali is selling drugs.Copy !req
58. I ain't! - No.
- Who's been grassing me up?Copy !req
59. So, do you do stuff
with the Mafia?Copy !req
60. Yeah,
organised crime we refer to it.Copy !req
61. Day to day kinds of crimes,
that the Mafia is famous forCopy !req
62. is stealing shipments.Copy !req
63. For real
- So if you and ICopy !req
64. highjack a truck
full of Tommy Hillfiger sportswear...Copy !req
65. if you and I steal that
merchandise and sell it on the street...Copy !req
66. Why is you talking
about this on camera?Copy !req
67. - You know that we is being filmed?
- Oh no, sure, but it happens all the timeCopy !req
68. I mean you and I
make $25,000 a piece.Copy !req
69. You want to talk about this
afterwards or...Copy !req
70. - I'm just using this as an example.
- Ah alright. - To make a point.Copy !req
71. So what is third degree murder?Copy !req
72. If I come home and I find you
there, in bed with my wife...Copy !req
73. That ain't never gonna happen!
I swear! I don't know whatCopy !req
74. your wife look like, but I
swear I would never do that to you,Copy !req
75. even if you were my worst enemy.
I would never do that!Copy !req
76. Hyper... hypothetical. I'm so angry,
that I take my gun outCopy !req
77. - and I shoot you and then my wife.
- Well, I shoot you first!Copy !req
78. You don't have a chance cos
I'm faster than you are.Copy !req
79. - For real. I is busy boning your Mrs.!
- And I have a gun and you don't.Copy !req
80. So that's murder. I have no
right, to murder you. Because your...Copy !req
81. Cos I is slipping one in.Copy !req
82. Check this. We is now
in a place called Hogans Alley,Copy !req
83. part of the FB training thing innit?Copy !req
84. Yep, this is FBI's academy training complex.Copy !req
85. It was opening in 1987. Now we teach
you, how to knock to the FBI doors.Copy !req
86. - What? Kick it in the fucker?
- No you can't kick, don't kick!Copy !req
87. Once again, you are employee of
the FBI. That's in the movies.Copy !req
88. Lets say theres someone and I say:
Get down! And theres another...Copy !req
89. - and then... It's a bog in here?
- From here, one gets you in the back.Copy !req
90. This is not a real person.
Just punch him in the face.Copy !req
91. What you lookin at?
What you lookin at?Copy !req
92. Shut up!
Take that look off your face!Copy !req
93. What is your job?Copy !req
94. I'm the assistant director, in charge of
all criminal investigations of the FBI.Copy !req
95. I know your ain't supposed
to talk about it,Copy !req
96. but everyone wants to know.
What is studio 54?Copy !req
97. It's a night club in New York City.Copy !req
98. For real, but what's in the basement?
You know what I is saying?Copy !req
99. I don't know what your...Copy !req
100. You know, long bodies, massive eyes,
funny noses, you know,Copy !req
101. dong done in a knot,
you know, big long fingers.Copy !req
102. Is this from the X-files?Copy !req
103. Do you get calls in about
aliens and all that kind of thing?Copy !req
104. No, I've never got one.Copy !req
105. Because me mate Ricci C he was
coming back from the Staines stationCopy !req
106. and he was going
past the Elmsley CenterCopy !req
107. and he suddenly felt this fing grab him
go up his exit hole. The next dayCopy !req
108. he found himself in dis trolley
near the buses.Copy !req
109. How do you explain that?Copy !req
110. I don't know anything about it.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
111. Young people out there if they
want to join the FB, what should they do?Copy !req
112. They should stay away from drugs, go to
college and study hard.Copy !req
113. And if they got none of
those three, is they got a chance?Copy !req
114. They don't have much of a chance.Copy !req
115. Selecta.
This week on the wheels of steelCopy !req
116. mixing and mashing it up
Steve Tha4orce AKA DJ Manslaughter.Copy !req
117. - Easy now.
- Easy now where you ging wid them...Copy !req
118. Definitely.Copy !req
119. (?)Copy !req
120. Thank you very much.Copy !req
121. Our guest tonight is an Egyptian man
who I got on cos I hear him pay youCopy !req
122. 20 grand and put you up in the
Ritz, every time you ask a question.Copy !req
123. Might be a nice little earner.
Big it up for...Copy !req
124. Mohammed Al-Fayed!Copy !req
125. - Hi. How are you doing?
- Big up yourself!Copy !req
126. Lovely to see you.
Please sit down. Sit down.Copy !req
127. So tell me Alf,
how much is you worth?Copy !req
128. Last year my tax contribution
was 118 million.Copy !req
129. I bet you is so rich, you always
supersize your Burger King Aii?Copy !req
130. I bet you always go large, even if
you ain't that hungry.Copy !req
131. You just say,
40p whatever give it to me!Copy !req
132. That's right. That's all right.Copy !req
133. Is you rich enough Mohammed,
that you have someoneCopy !req
134. - to clean your balls?
- Its possible.Copy !req
135. - It s possible?
- Yeah.Copy !req
136. Cos I know that me need
a whole work force to clean mine.Copy !req
137. And that ain't cos they is dirty
that because they is so big!Copy !req
138. I'll send you my own cleanerCopy !req
139. - For real?
- They have a special hoovers.Copy !req
140. Where they suck your balls off.Copy !req
141. I fink I'll just have a bath actually.Copy !req
142. I don't know whether you know,
but Neil Hamilton came on this showCopy !req
143. and cos I like you
I wanna tell you what he said.Copy !req
144. He said he saw you wearing
knickers and a bra and singingCopy !req
145. La la la, I wish I was a girl.Copy !req
146. He is the one doing that, not me.Copy !req
147. He's famous for doing that.- Really?
Well known yeah!Copy !req
148. So what would you say,
if you saw him now?Copy !req
149. Nothing, for me he is nothing...Copy !req
150. Well please welcome on
Neil Hamilton!Copy !req
151. I got you sussed!
You thought he was coming on.Copy !req
152. You're joking. I saw him in the court
for 5 weeks, no problem.Copy !req
153. Is it true you is after
a British passport?Copy !req
154. Not really very important.Copy !req
155. So how come,
you ain't got one?Copy !req
156. Because the bloody politicians
have no conscience,Copy !req
157. have no dignity, have no honour.
Right? - Right?Copy !req
158. I tell you what.- Yep
Because I like you Mo. - Thank you.Copy !req
159. I'll put you in touch
with me mate Dave,Copy !req
160. he can get his hand
on loads of passports.Copy !req
161. - This one is 70 squid.
- Right, 70 quid.Copy !req
162. This one is 30 squid cos you have
to pretend to be Bangladeshi.Copy !req
163. Yeah I'll take this one
- It's gonna cost you.Copy !req
164. - How much, £50?
- Yeah for real.Copy !req
165. Cost me now 100 pounds,Copy !req
166. - to come here.
- Easy. You can come every week.Copy !req
167. Thank you.Copy !req
168. Now Mo what ways has you
thought of improving Harrods?Copy !req
169. It's now the ultimum place in the world.Copy !req
170. You don't know that,
it has already been improved.Copy !req
171. Have you ever thought of selling
everything for a pound?Copy !req
172. Cos it is a very good way
to get custorners in.Copy !req
173. There's a shop in Eggham
that does that and it's always full.Copy !req
174. Maybe next sale I will do thatCopy !req
175. Do you shop at
your own store?Copy !req
176. Only after hours.Copy !req
177. Can I give you a tip?
Try Argos, same thing...Copy !req
178. for quarter of the price.Copy !req
179. Ladies and Gentlemen big it up
for Mohammed Al Fayed!Copy !req
180. Now drug ain't just a four letter word,
they is out there on the streetCopy !req
181. and thats something we all
need to know about.Copy !req
182. That is way me spoke to Professor
John Henry from theCopy !req
183. National poisons information serviceCopy !req
184. about the dangers of drugs.
Flavour.Copy !req
185. We is gonna be talking about the
drug ting. Let's start from over here.Copy !req
186. I mean that's Morocco Black
innit, or? - YesCopy !req
187. Have to be a bit stupid
if you didn't know that.Copy !req
188. How much would that
cost you on the street.Copy !req
189. About 60,70 pounds..Copy !req
190. Aii! Your probably being
ripped off. You could get it cheaper.Copy !req
191. 0k.Copy !req
192. What is the name for it?
We all know its called the bionic, the puff,Copy !req
193. the black, the herb, the sensey,
the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane,Copy !req
194. the shit, the bomb,
the ganger, the refer,Copy !req
195. the bag, the budha,
the home grown, the hill,Copy !req
196. the mowemowe, the method,
the pot, the shake, the wacky...Copy !req
197. spliff, zero, maroc, orange budCopy !req
198. but is there any other terms that
parents should be aware of?Copy !req
199. Puff, blow lots of names, draw...Copy !req
200. And what is its effects?Copy !req
201. You can go paranoid,
which means you think,Copy !req
202. people or things
are coming at you. - Aiii.Copy !req
203. It makes your heart race,
blood pressure can go low,Copy !req
204. so you can feel a bit
woosey sometimes.Copy !req
205. Its got a lot of medical effects
on the body.Copy !req
206. And is there any negative effects?Copy !req
207. - Well those are negative effects.
- For real.Copy !req
208. In the long term,
there are negative effects.Copy !req
209. For starters, would you recommend
this as a good first smoke?Copy !req
210. I wouldn't recommend it, no.Copy !req
211. So far this stuff is all legal.Copy !req
212. No it's not.Copy !req
213. No but if you has got it in
your home, then that is cool innit?Copy !req
214. No it is, it's all illegal,
it's all against the lawCopy !req
215. But if you is using it for personal use
or whatever you is...Copy !req
216. it is legal if you've got
half a kilo or something like that?Copy !req
217. - I wouldn't like to try that on.
- Alright.Copy !req
218. What if it's your religion?Copy !req
219. Then you have to
convince the court.Copy !req
220. But lets say someone
don't look like a rasta,Copy !req
221. but they is got
a couple of Bob Marley records,Copy !req
222. is got one of those hats
with dreads attached or whatever.Copy !req
223. Do you think that
that would get them off in a court?Copy !req
224. - Don't think so.
- Alright.Copy !req
225. And which drugs is class A?Copy !req
226. Class A drugs are hard drugs
like Heroine and Cocaine.Copy !req
227. Does class A guarantee
a better quality?Copy !req
228. Nothing to do with quality,Copy !req
229. you can have total crap.Copy !req
230. Ok, so what is these?Copy !req
231. Chemical name is 34
metholine dioxin methanephetamineCopy !req
232. which is why a lot of people
call it ecstasy.Copy !req
233. Ain't the most worrying thing,Copy !req
234. that it make you enjoy house music?Copy !req
235. Yeah you enjoy music. Yeah.Copy !req
236. Is there a chemical inside it
dat actually make you danceCopy !req
237. like a bell end?Copy !req
238. Yes it makes you dance.Copy !req
239. What is that chemical called?
Well it's the it is the ecstasyCopy !req
240. How many E's can you take
in one nightCopy !req
241. and still be safe, if you has to do it.Copy !req
242. Some people can take
two or three E's without problems.Copy !req
243. Because I is never ever
taken any drugs and you canCopy !req
244. test me piss
but I is got a mate called dangerous Dave,Copy !req
245. and I ain't gonna say his family name
but he say,Copy !req
246. that he has taken
22 E's in one night.Copy !req
247. Did he have a headache?
Did he feel...Copy !req
248. Well he said he found it difficult
to get to sleep,Copy !req
249. but the next day he was really
buzzing andCopy !req
250. the people on the Eggham
to Ruislip bus said thatCopy !req
251. he drove it better than
he ever did before.Copy !req
252. So do you think that it
can actually help you?Copy !req
253. It wouldn't help you
to drive a bus.Copy !req
254. Do you think it's right
to give animals an E?Copy !req
255. Well if you want to know more
about a substanceCopy !req
256. I'd rather you gave it to
a rabbit or a rat rather thanCopy !req
257. - testing it on yourself.
- For real?Copy !req
258. What if they look sad?
Do you think it's rightCopy !req
259. - to give your animal an E then?
- I don't think it would help.Copy !req
260. Because me mate Jazzy F
once fed one to his dogCopy !req
261. and it went mental and started barking
and then tried to bone the cat.Copy !req
262. Is that kind of thing possible?Copy !req
263. It's quite possible, yes.Copy !req
264. Don't forget one tablet is a lot for
a dog. - For real!Copy !req
265. Which is the type of acid that
actually make you fly?Copy !req
266. No acid makes you fly.Copy !req
267. But... - Acid can make you
think you can fly.Copy !req
268. But ain't there one
cos me made Dave said,Copy !req
269. he took this type and he flew
all around the roomCopy !req
270. and then his mum told him
to get some ciggies from the shopCopy !req
271. and he actually flew there
down the Eggham high streetCopy !req
272. and was back in like
five seconds or whatever,Copy !req
273. but he forgot to buy the ciggies.Copy !req
274. Well that's the answer, isn't it?Copy !req
275. You think things are happening
you may think you can flyCopy !req
276. but your feet
are still on the ground,Copy !req
277. if you're not careful,Copy !req
278. you may trip up
and hurt yourself.Copy !req
279. So with the whole thing here
what is the lessonCopy !req
280. the real lesson that people
out there really need to know?Copy !req
281. Substances, chemicals,
drugs, effect the way your body works.Copy !req
282. - For real?
- Your body is beautifully constructed.Copy !req
283. Thank you.
It works very very well.Copy !req
284. If you take any of these things,
you run a big riskCopy !req
285. - of making it work not so well.
- Aii.Copy !req
286. Now it time for Borat
the Kazakhstani journalist,Copy !req
287. who has come over
to learn about British customs.Copy !req
288. He should have just asked me mate
Dave, him spent three days thereCopy !req
289. with there hands up his batty on
his way back from Morocco last year.Copy !req
290. Check it.Copy !req
291. Jagshemash.Copy !req
292. Every Englishman must
have a hobby.Copy !req
293. Some like to collect the stamp
some like to make the jam,Copy !req
294. but the most fun is to kill
a little animal with a shot gunCopy !req
295. or rip him up with a wild dog.Copy !req
296. This why I come to the countryside to
find out about English hobby,Copy !req
297. Dzienkuje.Copy !req
298. Hello you are here on a hunt?
Yes, yes I am.Copy !req
299. Why do you not have horse?Copy !req
300. I can't afford one to be quite honest.Copy !req
301. Why not?
I'm retired now.Copy !req
302. - You are a retard?
- Yes.Copy !req
303. Like a mongoloid.
So you hunt a lot?Copy !req
304. I hunt a lot, yes.Copy !req
305. - You are a real man?
- Yes, I am. - We say man who do not huntCopy !req
306. in Kazakhstan is like a man with
no... how you say?Copy !req
307. - You'd say no bollocks.
- Yes, bollocks.Copy !req
308. - I shouldn't say that.
- You have big bollocks - YesCopy !req
309. - Probably.
- You have big bullocks?Copy !req
310. - No I don't think so, not now.
- Can I touch them?Copy !req
311. - No!
- Why not? - It's private.Copy !req
312. - You are English Policeman?
- I am, yes.Copy !req
313. Hello. - Hello.Copy !req
314. And do you believe in the hunt?Copy !req
315. I have to remain impartial in my job.Copy !req
316. Yes, because you are English policeman.
The greatest policeman in the force.Copy !req
317. And they say everything's
cricket in England, don't they?Copy !req
318. Everything is Cricket...
This is Cricket?Copy !req
319. - Just a saying.
- They play? - Cricket? - Yes, Cricket!Copy !req
320. Listen, Cricket is a gentleman's sport
- YesCopy !req
321. Everyone has the right to be
gentlemanly in England as such.Copy !req
322. And they play cricket today?
No, no, no I'm confusing you now.Copy !req
323. Yes. - Forget Cricket
Sorry that was just a saying.Copy !req
324. And people they do protest
against the cricket?Copy !req
325. Forget the cricket,
the cricket is purely a saying.Copy !req
326. - Yes, you just said cricket.
- Yes I just said cricket, forget about it.Copy !req
327. Nothing to do with hunting.Copy !req
328. So why did you say this?Copy !req
329. - Why do you like to hunt the fox?
- I do not hunt the fox.Copy !req
330. I think people that hunt the fox
are the scum of the earth.Copy !req
331. In Kazakhstan..
Do you kill bears?Copy !req
332. Yes, often - He kills bears.Copy !req
333. Do you kill bears? That's evil.Copy !req
334. No, in Kazakhstan we shoot animals,
we do not hunt ihe fox.Copy !req
335. Well you shouldn't be talking to us,
because we love animals.Copy !req
336. - We love, we love animals too.
- Why do you shoot them?Copy !req
337. For fun.Copy !req
338. You evil bastard, piss off.Copy !req
339. You've got no bloody brains, piss off.Copy !req
340. I do not kill fox.
But you kill bears!Copy !req
341. There is no more bear in Kazakhstan
- Cos your killed them all.Copy !req
342. In Kazakshtan we love animal
- Good for you.Copy !req
343. Most popular programme
on TV is animal programme. - GoodCopy !req
344. Is called dancing dog and cat.Copy !req
345. They dress the dog like a family royal
like prince Elizabeth,Copy !req
346. - one with crown and they dance one...
- Do they treat that animal well?Copy !req
347. Yes they treat very well and
they give a food andCopy !req
348. only the floor is...Copy !req
349. a bit hot, so they jump.Copy !req
350. It is a great. We love in Kazakhstan
to kill animal.Copy !req
351. - A hunt is so much fun.
- It is much fun, it is much funCopy !req
352. It is great feeling when you kill an animal
- It is, it is.Copy !req
353. - It make you feel like a real man.
- It makes you feel big.Copy !req
354. - We like to shoot a dog in Kazakhstan.
- You shoot dogs? - Yes.Copy !req
355. Well in England we rather like dogs.
So we don't.Copy !req
356. But why do you like them?
In Kazakhstan they think is crazy.Copy !req
357. Thank you very much
- OK, bye, bye, bye.Copy !req
358. Dzienkuje - Safe journey
- Thank you, dzienkuje.Copy !req
359. Having got to know Mo a bit:
I is feeling his injusticeCopy !req
360. I is gonna try and help him out now
to get a British passport.Copy !req
361. Now as far as I can see
your inability to rap is yourCopy !req
362. main obstacle to getting
a British passport.Copy !req
363. So lets sort it out: right here right now, you and me Mo,Copy !req
364. - is gonna be like a pair of rappers.
- Excellent.Copy !req
365. I is Snoop, you is Dr Dre.Copy !req
366. I is Chuck D you is Flavour Flav,Copy !req
367. I is the Method Man,
you is the Old Dirty Bastard.Copy !req
368. You are the dirty bastard.Copy !req
369. DJ give me the beatCopy !req
370. Here come the shop keeper
- MohammedCopy !req
371. Him the libel case winner - Al FayedCopy !req
372. Him got a nice face - Al FayedCopy !req
373. His name is Mohammed - Al FayedCopy !req
374. He got a big winky- Al FayedCopy !req
375. Na na'na ninky- Al FayedCopy !req
376. He got a nice face. - Al FayedCopy !req
377. Now Mohammed cos we is good mates now.
Next time ICopy !req
378. go into Harrods, and I see something
that I like, I got one question:Copy !req
379. Can I nick it
- You can't nick itCopy !req
380. Can I nick it
- But for you is okCopy !req
381. Can I nick it - Yes okCopy !req
382. Good cos I was gonna do it anyway.Copy !req
383. Go MO you go mo yo go mo
yo go mo slow mo Free styleCopy !req
384. Mohammed Ali,Copy !req
385. I am Mohammed and you are Ali -Copy !req
386. That's true MoCopy !req
387. Shake your battyCopy !req
388. shakey shakey hay hayCopy !req
389. Big him up! This man
is the greatest Egyptian rapper.Copy !req
390. If you don't give him a passport at least
give him a recording contract.Copy !req
391. Me saying good night. Bo.Copy !req