- 1. You Ali G
have been found guilty
- 2. of the charges of graffiti
and dealing and
- 3. boning too hard and
being the baddest gangster,
- 4. that Staines has ever seen.
- 5. I by the power invested in me
by the state of Berkshire
- 6. sentence you to death
by 5 billion volts of the electric.
- 7. Pull the switch!
- 8. Aghh, Julie, Julie,
me Julie! Me Julie. Aghh!
- 9. All your electricity has done
is given me more power
- 10. to do Electric Boogaloo.
- 11. Booyakasha.
- 12. Me dedicate this show
to all the people on Death row in Britain.
- 13. Me has read your letters
and whatever you has done
- 14. you don't deserve to fry.
- 15. Because and me don't
want to scare people out there,
- 16. but electricity ain't just used
to power windmills.
- 17. It is also used to fry
- 18. So I is making a plea now
to President Blaires,
- 19. please stop elocution
in this country.
- 20. There is a long history
of injustice in this country:
- 21. The Birmingham six, the Guildford six
- 22. and me meself was a member
of the Staines seven
- 23. who was all made to
do gym in our pants for
- 24. walking on the all weather pitch
wiv non regulation trainers
- 25. and I would do it again tomorrow,
- 26. you will never crush
the Staines seven!
- 27. Anyways in me quest for justice
me got to fly out to the USA
- 28. and they even let me go Economy class.
- 29. SO check this.
- 30. Peace. Over 15 murders
happen in the US every second.
- 31. That is a well
- 32. When the coppers can't handle it
they call this special branch
- 33. called the FB Aii!
- 34. - So what actually is the FB?
- The FBI is the...
- 35. Aii. - The FBI is the Federal Bureau
- 36. It's about 80 yrs old and was created
in the early part of this century.
- 37. What is integeration?
- 38. Interrogation really means
questioning a suspect.
- 39. When I need to find some info from like
Little Ric or whatever,
- 40. I take his head,
put it down and do a guff on his head,
- 41. then he will speak.
Do you think you could use this technique?
- 42. You know, when we are
trying to interrogate a suspect
- 43. we use a certain amount
of psychological pressure.
- 44. But if that failed, would you
not consider guffing on his head?
- 45. No. I'm not saying
it doesn't happen,
- 46. but not as often,
as movies make you think.
- 47. I might suspect that you're
engaging in criminal activity...
- 48. How would you know?
- 49. Well say, one of my informers
would tell me...
- 50. One from Berkshire police?
- 51. No. Someone on the street, that I know
tells me, you are
- 52. selling drugs out of your apartment.
- 53. That ain't true! - No, but if one tells me
that your selling drugs.
- 54. Who? - Just for example. One of
your friends tells me, that
- 55. you're selling drugs. And then another one
- Was it Dave?
- 56. Then we can take that information
and go to a judge and
- 57. say we have reason to believe
that Ali is selling drugs.
- 58. I ain't! - No.
- Who's been grassing me up?
- 59. So, do you do stuff
with the Mafia?
- 60. Yeah,
organised crime we refer to it.
- 61. Day to day kinds of crimes,
that the Mafia is famous for
- 62. is stealing shipments.
- 63. For real
- So if you and I
- 64. highjack a truck
full of Tommy Hillfiger sportswear...
- 65. if you and I steal that
merchandise and sell it on the street...
- 66. Why is you talking
about this on camera?
- 67. - You know that we is being filmed?
- Oh no, sure, but it happens all the time
- 68. I mean you and I
make $25,000 a piece.
- 69. You want to talk about this
- 70. - I'm just using this as an example.
- Ah alright. - To make a point.
- 71. So what is third degree murder?
- 72. If I come home and I find you
there, in bed with my wife...
- 73. That ain't never gonna happen!
I swear! I don't know what
- 74. your wife look like, but I
swear I would never do that to you,
- 75. even if you were my worst enemy.
I would never do that!
- 76. Hyper... hypothetical. I'm so angry,
that I take my gun out
- 77. - and I shoot you and then my wife.
- Well, I shoot you first!
- 78. You don't have a chance cos
I'm faster than you are.
- 79. - For real. I is busy boning your Mrs.!
- And I have a gun and you don't.
- 80. So that's murder. I have no
right, to murder you. Because your...
- 81. Cos I is slipping one in.
- 82. Check this. We is now
in a place called Hogans Alley,
- 83. part of the FB training thing innit?
- 84. Yep, this is FBI's academy training complex.
- 85. It was opening in 1987. Now we teach
you, how to knock to the FBI doors.
- 86. - What? Kick it in the fucker?
- No you can't kick, don't kick!
- 87. Once again, you are employee of
the FBI. That's in the movies.
- 88. Lets say theres someone and I say:
Get down! And theres another...
- 89. - and then... It's a bog in here?
- From here, one gets you in the back.
- 90. This is not a real person.
Just punch him in the face.
- 91. What you lookin at?
What you lookin at?
- 92. Shut up!
Take that look off your face!
- 93. What is your job?
- 94. I'm the assistant director, in charge of
all criminal investigations of the FBI.
- 95. I know your ain't supposed
to talk about it,
- 96. but everyone wants to know.
What is studio 54?
- 97. It's a night club in New York City.
- 98. For real, but what's in the basement?
You know what I is saying?
- 99. I don't know what your...
- 100. You know, long bodies, massive eyes,
funny noses, you know,
- 101. dong done in a knot,
you know, big long fingers.
- 102. Is this from the X-files?
- 103. Do you get calls in about
aliens and all that kind of thing?
- 104. No, I've never got one.
- 105. Because me mate Ricci C he was
coming back from the Staines station
- 106. and he was going
past the Elmsley Center
- 107. and he suddenly felt this fing grab him
go up his exit hole. The next day
- 108. he found himself in dis trolley
near the buses.
- 109. How do you explain that?
- 110. I don't know anything about it.
- 111. Young people out there if they
want to join the FB, what should they do?
- 112. They should stay away from drugs, go to
college and study hard.
- 113. And if they got none of
those three, is they got a chance?
- 114. They don't have much of a chance.
- 115. Selecta.
This week on the wheels of steel
- 116. mixing and mashing it up
Steve Tha4orce AKA DJ Manslaughter.
- 117. - Easy now.
- Easy now where you ging wid them...
- 118. Definitely.
- 119. (?)
- 120. Thank you very much.
- 121. Our guest tonight is an Egyptian man
who I got on cos I hear him pay you
- 122. 20 grand and put you up in the
Ritz, every time you ask a question.
- 123. Might be a nice little earner.
Big it up for...
- 124. Mohammed Al-Fayed!
- 125. - Hi. How are you doing?
- Big up yourself!
- 126. Lovely to see you.
Please sit down. Sit down.
- 127. So tell me Alf,
how much is you worth?
- 128. Last year my tax contribution
was 118 million.
- 129. I bet you is so rich, you always
supersize your Burger King Aii?
- 130. I bet you always go large, even if
you ain't that hungry.
- 131. You just say,
40p whatever give it to me!
- 132. That's right. That's all right.
- 133. Is you rich enough Mohammed,
that you have someone
- 134. - to clean your balls?
- Its possible.
- 135. - It s possible?
- 136. Cos I know that me need
a whole work force to clean mine.
- 137. And that ain't cos they is dirty
that because they is so big!
- 138. I'll send you my own cleaner
- 139. - For real?
- They have a special hoovers.
- 140. Where they suck your balls off.
- 141. I fink I'll just have a bath actually.
- 142. I don't know whether you know,
but Neil Hamilton came on this show
- 143. and cos I like you
I wanna tell you what he said.
- 144. He said he saw you wearing
knickers and a bra and singing
- 145. La la la, I wish I was a girl.
- 146. He is the one doing that, not me.
- 147. He's famous for doing that.- Really?
Well known yeah!
- 148. So what would you say,
if you saw him now?
- 149. Nothing, for me he is nothing...
- 150. Well please welcome on
- 151. I got you sussed!
You thought he was coming on.
- 152. You're joking. I saw him in the court
for 5 weeks, no problem.
- 153. Is it true you is after
a British passport?
- 154. Not really very important.
- 155. So how come,
you ain't got one?
- 156. Because the bloody politicians
have no conscience,
- 157. have no dignity, have no honour.
Right? - Right?
- 158. I tell you what.- Yep
Because I like you Mo. - Thank you.
- 159. I'll put you in touch
with me mate Dave,
- 160. he can get his hand
on loads of passports.
- 161. - This one is 70 squid.
- Right, 70 quid.
- 162. This one is 30 squid cos you have
to pretend to be Bangladeshi.
- 163. Yeah I'll take this one
- It's gonna cost you.
- 164. - How much, £50?
- Yeah for real.
- 165. Cost me now 100 pounds,
- 166. - to come here.
- Easy. You can come every week.
- 167. Thank you.
- 168. Now Mo what ways has you
thought of improving Harrods?
- 169. It's now the ultimum place in the world.
- 170. You don't know that,
it has already been improved.
- 171. Have you ever thought of selling
everything for a pound?
- 172. Cos it is a very good way
to get custorners in.
- 173. There's a shop in Eggham
that does that and it's always full.
- 174. Maybe next sale I will do that
- 175. Do you shop at
your own store?
- 176. Only after hours.
- 177. Can I give you a tip?
Try Argos, same thing...
- 178. for quarter of the price.
- 179. Ladies and Gentlemen big it up
for Mohammed Al Fayed!
- 180. Now drug ain't just a four letter word,
they is out there on the street
- 181. and thats something we all
need to know about.
- 182. That is way me spoke to Professor
John Henry from the
- 183. National poisons information service
- 184. about the dangers of drugs.
- 185. We is gonna be talking about the
drug ting. Let's start from over here.
- 186. I mean that's Morocco Black
innit, or? - Yes
- 187. Have to be a bit stupid
if you didn't know that.
- 188. How much would that
cost you on the street.
- 189. About 60,70 pounds..
- 190. Aii! Your probably being
ripped off. You could get it cheaper.
- 191. 0k.
- 192. What is the name for it?
We all know its called the bionic, the puff,
- 193. the black, the herb, the sensey,
the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane,
- 194. the shit, the bomb,
the ganger, the refer,
- 195. the bag, the budha,
the home grown, the hill,
- 196. the mowemowe, the method,
the pot, the shake, the wacky...
- 197. spliff, zero, maroc, orange bud
- 198. but is there any other terms that
parents should be aware of?
- 199. Puff, blow lots of names, draw...
- 200. And what is its effects?
- 201. You can go paranoid,
which means you think,
- 202. people or things
are coming at you. - Aiii.
- 203. It makes your heart race,
blood pressure can go low,
- 204. so you can feel a bit
- 205. Its got a lot of medical effects
on the body.
- 206. And is there any negative effects?
- 207. - Well those are negative effects.
- For real.
- 208. In the long term,
there are negative effects.
- 209. For starters, would you recommend
this as a good first smoke?
- 210. I wouldn't recommend it, no.
- 211. So far this stuff is all legal.
- 212. No it's not.
- 213. No but if you has got it in
your home, then that is cool innit?
- 214. No it is, it's all illegal,
it's all against the law
- 215. But if you is using it for personal use
or whatever you is...
- 216. it is legal if you've got
half a kilo or something like that?
- 217. - I wouldn't like to try that on.
- 218. What if it's your religion?
- 219. Then you have to
convince the court.
- 220. But lets say someone
don't look like a rasta,
- 221. but they is got
a couple of Bob Marley records,
- 222. is got one of those hats
with dreads attached or whatever.
- 223. Do you think that
that would get them off in a court?
- 224. - Don't think so.
- 225. And which drugs is class A?
- 226. Class A drugs are hard drugs
like Heroine and Cocaine.
- 227. Does class A guarantee
a better quality?
- 228. Nothing to do with quality,
- 229. you can have total crap.
- 230. Ok, so what is these?
- 231. Chemical name is 34
metholine dioxin methanephetamine
- 232. which is why a lot of people
call it ecstasy.
- 233. Ain't the most worrying thing,
- 234. that it make you enjoy house music?
- 235. Yeah you enjoy music. Yeah.
- 236. Is there a chemical inside it
dat actually make you dance
- 237. like a bell end?
- 238. Yes it makes you dance.
- 239. What is that chemical called?
Well it's the it is the ecstasy
- 240. How many E's can you take
in one night
- 241. and still be safe, if you has to do it.
- 242. Some people can take
two or three E's without problems.
- 243. Because I is never ever
taken any drugs and you can
- 244. test me piss
but I is got a mate called dangerous Dave,
- 245. and I ain't gonna say his family name
but he say,
- 246. that he has taken
22 E's in one night.
- 247. Did he have a headache?
Did he feel...
- 248. Well he said he found it difficult
to get to sleep,
- 249. but the next day he was really
- 250. the people on the Eggham
to Ruislip bus said that
- 251. he drove it better than
he ever did before.
- 252. So do you think that it
can actually help you?
- 253. It wouldn't help you
to drive a bus.
- 254. Do you think it's right
to give animals an E?
- 255. Well if you want to know more
about a substance
- 256. I'd rather you gave it to
a rabbit or a rat rather than
- 257. - testing it on yourself.
- For real?
- 258. What if they look sad?
Do you think it's right
- 259. - to give your animal an E then?
- I don't think it would help.
- 260. Because me mate Jazzy F
once fed one to his dog
- 261. and it went mental and started barking
and then tried to bone the cat.
- 262. Is that kind of thing possible?
- 263. It's quite possible, yes.
- 264. Don't forget one tablet is a lot for
a dog. - For real!
- 265. Which is the type of acid that
actually make you fly?
- 266. No acid makes you fly.
- 267. But... - Acid can make you
think you can fly.
- 268. But ain't there one
cos me made Dave said,
- 269. he took this type and he flew
all around the room
- 270. and then his mum told him
to get some ciggies from the shop
- 271. and he actually flew there
down the Eggham high street
- 272. and was back in like
five seconds or whatever,
- 273. but he forgot to buy the ciggies.
- 274. Well that's the answer, isn't it?
- 275. You think things are happening
you may think you can fly
- 276. but your feet
are still on the ground,
- 277. if you're not careful,
- 278. you may trip up
and hurt yourself.
- 279. So with the whole thing here
what is the lesson
- 280. the real lesson that people
out there really need to know?
- 281. Substances, chemicals,
drugs, effect the way your body works.
- 282. - For real?
- Your body is beautifully constructed.
- 283. Thank you.
It works very very well.
- 284. If you take any of these things,
you run a big risk
- 285. - of making it work not so well.
- 286. Now it time for Borat
the Kazakhstani journalist,
- 287. who has come over
to learn about British customs.
- 288. He should have just asked me mate
Dave, him spent three days there
- 289. with there hands up his batty on
his way back from Morocco last year.
- 290. Check it.
- 291. Jagshemash.
- 292. Every Englishman must
have a hobby.
- 293. Some like to collect the stamp
some like to make the jam,
- 294. but the most fun is to kill
a little animal with a shot gun
- 295. or rip him up with a wild dog.
- 296. This why I come to the countryside to
find out about English hobby,
- 297. Dzienkuje.
- 298. Hello you are here on a hunt?
Yes, yes I am.
- 299. Why do you not have horse?
- 300. I can't afford one to be quite honest.
- 301. Why not?
I'm retired now.
- 302. - You are a retard?
- 303. Like a mongoloid.
So you hunt a lot?
- 304. I hunt a lot, yes.
- 305. - You are a real man?
- Yes, I am. - We say man who do not hunt
- 306. in Kazakhstan is like a man with
no... how you say?
- 307. - You'd say no bollocks.
- Yes, bollocks.
- 308. - I shouldn't say that.
- You have big bollocks - Yes
- 309. - Probably.
- You have big bullocks?
- 310. - No I don't think so, not now.
- Can I touch them?
- 311. - No!
- Why not? - It's private.
- 312. - You are English Policeman?
- I am, yes.
- 313. Hello. - Hello.
- 314. And do you believe in the hunt?
- 315. I have to remain impartial in my job.
- 316. Yes, because you are English policeman.
The greatest policeman in the force.
- 317. And they say everything's
cricket in England, don't they?
- 318. Everything is Cricket...
This is Cricket?
- 319. - Just a saying.
- They play? - Cricket? - Yes, Cricket!
- 320. Listen, Cricket is a gentleman's sport
- 321. Everyone has the right to be
gentlemanly in England as such.
- 322. And they play cricket today?
No, no, no I'm confusing you now.
- 323. Yes. - Forget Cricket
Sorry that was just a saying.
- 324. And people they do protest
against the cricket?
- 325. Forget the cricket,
the cricket is purely a saying.
- 326. - Yes, you just said cricket.
- Yes I just said cricket, forget about it.
- 327. Nothing to do with hunting.
- 328. So why did you say this?
- 329. - Why do you like to hunt the fox?
- I do not hunt the fox.
- 330. I think people that hunt the fox
are the scum of the earth.
- 331. In Kazakhstan..
Do you kill bears?
- 332. Yes, often - He kills bears.
- 333. Do you kill bears? That's evil.
- 334. No, in Kazakhstan we shoot animals,
we do not hunt ihe fox.
- 335. Well you shouldn't be talking to us,
because we love animals.
- 336. - We love, we love animals too.
- Why do you shoot them?
- 337. For fun.
- 338. You evil bastard, piss off.
- 339. You've got no bloody brains, piss off.
- 340. I do not kill fox.
But you kill bears!
- 341. There is no more bear in Kazakhstan
- Cos your killed them all.
- 342. In Kazakshtan we love animal
- Good for you.
- 343. Most popular programme
on TV is animal programme. - Good
- 344. Is called dancing dog and cat.
- 345. They dress the dog like a family royal
like prince Elizabeth,
- 346. - one with crown and they dance one...
- Do they treat that animal well?
- 347. Yes they treat very well and
they give a food and
- 348. only the floor is...
- 349. a bit hot, so they jump.
- 350. It is a great. We love in Kazakhstan
to kill animal.
- 351. - A hunt is so much fun.
- It is much fun, it is much fun
- 352. It is great feeling when you kill an animal
- It is, it is.
- 353. - It make you feel like a real man.
- It makes you feel big.
- 354. - We like to shoot a dog in Kazakhstan.
- You shoot dogs? - Yes.
- 355. Well in England we rather like dogs.
So we don't.
- 356. But why do you like them?
In Kazakhstan they think is crazy.
- 357. Thank you very much
- OK, bye, bye, bye.
- 358. Dzienkuje - Safe journey
- Thank you, dzienkuje.
- 359. Having got to know Mo a bit:
I is feeling his injustice
- 360. I is gonna try and help him out now
to get a British passport.
- 361. Now as far as I can see
your inability to rap is your
- 362. main obstacle to getting
a British passport.
- 363. So lets sort it out: right here right now, you and me Mo,
- 364. - is gonna be like a pair of rappers.
- 365. I is Snoop, you is Dr Dre.
- 366. I is Chuck D you is Flavour Flav,
- 367. I is the Method Man,
you is the Old Dirty Bastard.
- 368. You are the dirty bastard.
- 369. DJ give me the beat
- 370. Here come the shop keeper
- 371. Him the libel case winner - Al Fayed
- 372. Him got a nice face - Al Fayed
- 373. His name is Mohammed - Al Fayed
- 374. He got a big winky- Al Fayed
- 375. Na na'na ninky- Al Fayed
- 376. He got a nice face. - Al Fayed
- 377. Now Mohammed cos we is good mates now.
Next time I
- 378. go into Harrods, and I see something
that I like, I got one question:
- 379. Can I nick it
- You can't nick it
- 380. Can I nick it
- But for you is ok
- 381. Can I nick it - Yes ok
- 382. Good cos I was gonna do it anyway.
- 383. Go MO you go mo yo go mo
yo go mo slow mo Free style
- 384. Mohammed Ali,
- 385. I am Mohammed and you are Ali -
- 386. That's true Mo
- 387. Shake your batty
- 388. shakey shakey hay hay
- 389. Big him up! This man
is the greatest Egyptian rapper.
- 390. If you don't give him a passport at least
give him a recording contract.
- 391. Me saying good night. Bo.