- 1. Don't worry madam, this is
a perfectly routine procedure.
- 2. Now, can you see the man
who tried to give your cat
- 3. the ecstasy tablet?
- 4. No... no... no...
- 5. That's him! That's the man!
- 6. Is it 'coz I iz black?
- 7. Me said 'Bo Selekta'!
Shout goin' out to the West Midlands.
- 8. Believe it or not, in our society
fings like dat happen every day-
- 9. apart from de breakdancin' bit.
- 10. In police stations up and down de country
innocent people is gettin' fingered.
- 11. C'mon, let's stop de fingerin'. Aii?
- 12. Dat was an identity parade.
- 13. We is all got an identity,
in fact me mate Dave is got three.
- 14. He's known as George Phillips
in de Bracknell Benefit office
- 15. an' in de one in Slough, yeknow,
in Upton Lodge, he's Sally Kemp.
- 16. Dis show is also about freedom.
Freedom to fink, freedom to speak,
- 17. and freedom...
- 18. to fink...
- 19. even more.
- 20. Dere is some people out dere
dat is so ignorant
- 21. dat dey spend all deir time readin' books
an' don't even bother watchin' telly.
- 22. British TV is known 'round de world
for its in-depth documentaries,
- 23. nature programmes and unbiased news.
- 24. America has so far managed
to avoid dat kind of shite
- 25. an still has telly of de highest quality
- check this.
- 26. Selector.
- 27. Now it ain't just Britain
that has got the telly,
- 28. now it has also spread
to a place called America.
- 29. That is why I is come here to Hollywood
- 30. and I ain't talking about
the night club in Bracknell
- 31. to see the set of America most famous
drama called 'The Bold and the Beautiful'
- 32. which apparently is about a thick girl
with a shaven haven. Respect.
- 33. You better send me those pictures Amber,
or I swear you'll be sorry.
- 34. I've been introduced as
B and B's new bad girl. - Aii.
- 35. so to give you a little future of what's
gonna happen without tellin' you specifics.
- 36. - For real?
- 37. And can you tell us specifics?
- 38. No it's a secret,
you'll just have to watch.
- 39. So what is it like when you do
the romance scenes?
- 40. - What does that feel like?
- 41. well I haven't had very many.
- 42. In Europe they cut out all the bits of it
actually goin' in, or whatever,
- 43. is you upset about that?
- 44. I don't understand.
- 45. They don't really show the whole thing
in Europe they just cut to you
- 46. wakin' up, you know,
in the morning as if... you know...
- 47. Well, they don't show it
goin' in here either.
- 48. But they have very strong censorshipin'.
- 49. What, you don't actually do it all
for real here or...? - No!
- 50. You don't? You act
doin' all that kind of thing?
- 51. Is that true? You act doin' all
that thing in... - No, oh my goodness, no.
- 52. Can I be in this scene?
- 53. No. Unfortunately not.
- 54. Just anybody can't go on there, they need
to go special through the casting office.
- 55. - Can I not just be in the background or...
- There are special laws even for that.
- 56. - on the side of the bed or...
- I'm sorry.
- 57. Dave said beforehand I was gonna be
in the whole thing that's why I was...
- 58. - so into doing it.
- No, no.
- 59. You said that I was gonna be in the
fuckin' thing, excuse my french...
- 60. Sorry, but he did promise me.
Sorry about me language.
- 61. Well, he shouldn't have promised.
- 62. Can I have a go? Can I have a go?
- 63. - Sure.
- 64. Ok, alright.
- 65. Talkin' about the sets. - What?
- Talkin' about the sets. - Ok.
- 66. Why is we whispering?
- 67. - Oh, I thought it was 'cos you were.
- I was whispering 'cos you was whispering.
- 68. Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, alright. I thought
I was whispering 'cos you was whispering.
- 69. I thought maybe somebody came by
and was one of the...
- 70. No no no, I was whispering
because you was whispering.
- 71. No no, I was whispering
because you are whispering.
- 72. I know that I started 'cos you started
first and then I did the whisperin' fing.
- 73. Oh, it's good to be...
- 74. Shh well, we have to be very quite
in the hall 'cos we have shows taping.
- 75. Now I is gonna check out
Sally Jesse Raphiel.
- 76. She be like Vannessa Feltz
except she look well different.
- 77. You'll see what I mean. Check it.
- 78. As you sayin' I is here from England and
is it cool with you lot if I just sit in
- 79. the audience and just check this out
cos' I is a big fan here
- 80. This is my first time in the US of A
and I is lovin' your country.
- 81. Could I ask you about one of the
problems I is got? - Surely.
- 82. A few weeks ago me was goin' down
Eggham High Street from where me live
- 83. and me see me uncle Jamal's
van there and on the back it says:
- 84. If this bus is rockin',
don't come knockin' or whatever.
- 85. But I heard these sounds
coming from his van
- 86. and I opened the back and
I see this massive geezer
- 87. like attackin' me uncle Jamal.
I think I was gonna try and stop them
- 88. 'cos I is hearin' the shouting
and screaming an' whatever
- 89. and then I see that this geezers
- 90. why is this geezer attacking him
if his pants is down
- 91. and I realised he ain't attacking him,
he's actually kissing him.
- 92. So were it screams of delight
or were they screams of anger
- 93. or were the screams...
what kind were they?
- 94. When I heard it I thought
he was getting beaten up or something.
- 95. Aha, but then you realised
that they were havin' sex.
- 96. I don't know if they was definitely
doing that but they weren't wearing...
- 97. They were having sex.
- ... stuff
- 98. - Is your accent real?
- I can't hear what you're sayin'.
- 99. - Is your accent real?
- Is my accent...
- 100. I tell you I know that
a lot of people out here in America fink
- 101. that everyone speak like the queen.
- 102. But I tell you dere is a lot of people
who is livin' not like the queen
- 103. or don't speak like the queen.
- 104. So it ain't my problem if I don't sound
like the queen. I ain't the queen.
- 105. Once they start puttin' the crown on my
head, givin' me all the money,
- 106. then maybe I'll start
speakin' like the queen.
- 107. But until that time I ain't
speakin' like the queen.
- 108. Me own posse is the West Staines Massive.
- 109. It'll be an honour to me
and all dem of me boys at home
- 110. if you could big them up.
Can I 'ear it for the West Staines Massive.
- 111. Staines... Staines, Staines, Staines...
- 112. Sally, Sally, Sally...
- 113. What advice do you have for me for
doin' for the first time me own show?
- 114. - I think you're doin' pretty well.
- Dat is very kind. Thank you.
- 115. - You know what's good about you?
- What? - You are you.
- 116. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- 117. That's very nice,
what do you mean by that?
- 118. - It's a nice compliment.
- Dat's very nice.
- 119. It means you are who you are.
- 120. Thank you very much.
- 121. Yo yo yo, him take 'nuff risks
when him spin' dem disks.
- 122. Big it up for DJ Tha4orce.
- 123. By the way, before I forget
me Julie said she know you.
- 124. Julie? Julie?
Let me tink bout dat right now.
- 125. Ah, Julie man she alright o good.
- 126. From long time
she have a birfmark on her batty?
- 127. So has you met her or not?
- 128. Now the people at the channel said:
Ali, who would you like to interview?
- 129. Me said get me president Blairs.
But him said won't do it.
- 130. Me said get me the other guy,
- 131. The one who married that woman
so people wouldn't fink him was batty.
- 132. But he said he wouldn't do it. Me said just
get me someone me not even that bovered.
- 133. So please welcome the best Prime Minister
this country ever had: Ray Hattersley.
- 134. Big up yourself, big up yourself.
- 135. Big up youself.
- 136. How's about after the show,
you, me, her, a jacuzzi
- 137. and anything you want from KFC, anything?
- 138. So is Roy short for Leroy?
- 139. No, Roy is short for nothing.
Where I come from there are a lot of Roy,
- 140. Roys are thick on the ground in Yorkshire.
Roy's a very common name.
- 141. So, Roystan. What's happened to all
your old homies like Neil Pillock?
- 142. Well, he's a big man in Europe,
he's really running things from...
- 143. He's running tings there. - Yeah, and as
everybody knows their really running
- 144. although their running things there,
they're also running things here.
- 145. Aii, for real.
The Amsterdam connection, Aii?
- 146. That's right.
- 147. So why don't you just get
all your bad boys back together:
- 148. You, Pillock, Dr Livingston, MC Foot
and mash up Blairs and all his rude boys?
- 149. I wasn't a bad boy, I was a good boy
you can possibly imagine.
- 150. Actually you has got to be well careful
though if you attack the government,
- 151. you need somebody well hard to take out
Mo Mowlem 'cos she in the IRA, innit?
- 152. Yep. Well, she was but then Blair removed
her from Ireland altogether and now she's,
- 153. now she's probably in the WVS.
- 154. - Is that a rap group?
- Women's Volunteer.
- 155. So tell me what is
Tony Blairs really like?
- 156. Oh, erm, he wants to be Prime Minister.
- 157. Do you think he ever will be?
- 158. - I think in ten years time...
- 159. Tony Blair will still be
Prime minister of this country.
- 160. Do you think that he is perhaps
a bit of a dong?
- 161. I think he's a pretty
successful Prime Minister.
- 162. Listen, I know you can't say it
because otherwise: Booka!
- 163. Is Tony Blairs not not a dong?
- 164. - Well...
- Aii, for real?
- 165. Since I don't know if he IS one,
I don't know if he ISN'T one either.
- 166. Alright well let me ask
one last question with this,
- 167. the opposite of everything you say
is true: So is he a dong?
- 168. No...
- 169. So he is a dong, you heard it here.
He said he was a dong.
- 170. Check this. I is heard that Tony Blairs'
Mrs... is preggers, is that true?
- 171. I think it must be true
'cause it's been in all the newspapers.
- 172. But don't you think it sends
a bad message to young people
- 173. im gettin' his wife up the duff.
I mean, you'd think as President
- 174. he'd have more taste and be gettin'
some quality muff like Maria Carrey.
- 175. I think quite the opposite. I mean,
I think Blair is a lucky Prime Minister.
- 176. - Aii.
- And that's a good thing to be.
- 177. And I think the fact that his wife's
having another baby will move him up
- 178. the opinion polls 5%, 10%, I don't know,
make him even more popular.
- 179. Me is heard from a mate
that the kid is gonna be black.
- 180. And he know, you gettin' me, me mate know,
it's gonna be black. Is that true?
- 181. I think if I was a betting man I'd
probably gamble against it being black.
- 182. Ain't that a bit racialist though?
- 183. No, I'd gamble against it being black
simply on the probability.
- 184. So what do you think about
- 185. I think she was a catastrophe.
- 186. Aii. What would have happened if you
would have fallen in love with her?
- 187. I would have been certified as insane.
- 188. Did you ever think though of
flippin' her over and bonin' her?
- 189. You know... politicians don't like
to give straight answers. - For Real?
- 190. But I think I can say without much doubt
that I never actually thought of that.
- 191. So is you telling me that
- 192. no one from your party has
hactually seen Maggie's Thatch?
- 193. There are some Sacrifices which are
above and beyond the call of duty.
- 194. Thank you very much, Les Battersbey.
Big up the old school Labours.
- 195. Alright, don't go menstrual
you has been on it for ages.
- 196. Welcome back, during the break
me and Roy has just been chillin',
- 197. he's been tellin' me some stories.
In one go, unbelievable.
- 198. Now check the state of family today:
Girls is havin' sex at younger ages,
- 199. dere is an increase in absentee fathers
and more and more people is havin' affairs.
- 200. But we shouldn't just concentrate
on the good things.
- 201. To discuss some of the more
shity aspects as well me got on a nanny,
- 202. a headmaster, an author and some old biddy
into a room for a discussion. Realise.
- 203. So at what age do you think
you should start beatin' your kids?
- 204. Never beating. - No. - I ain't talking
about beating the crap out of them
- 205. but just something like a little dead arm
or something like that.
- 206. Oh no absolutely.
I mean when you think about it
- 207. a child learns from a small amount of pain.
- 208. Do you think it's right to get
a wet towel and flick the batty with it?
- 209. I don't think it would hurt them very much.
- 210. 'Cos that will teach them discipline
but also a sense of humour
- 211. 'cos it can be funny for the kid as well.
- 212. I mean, I don't think it's
for any person to interfere
- 213. in another person's way of
doing things with their family...
- 214. Let's bring this on. At what age should
parents give their kids their first spliff?
- 215. What's a spliff?
- 216. It's illegal, do you know that?
- 217. It ain't illegal if your dad
gives it to you, dat's...
- 218. Do you think at least they should teach
them how to recognise good gears
- 219. so they don't get sold dodgey old garbage.
- 220. No, you should never teach a child that
you'll go to hell for it.
- 221. You want to end up in your middle years
visiting your child in prison
- 222. where he's beaten and buggered
and given drugs and his life is finished?
- 223. I mean that's just the pits man.
- 224. For real, for real, that's the pits,
as you would say. - Ok.
- 225. Let's bring this on. I is read about this
woman who is eighty who had a kid - Eighty?
- 226. by having sex with a test tube
or whatever. Do you think it's right?
- 227. I think there's something
repulsive to it actually.
- 228. And do you think it's ever right
to have the test tube?
- 229. Yeah, I think for couples, loving couples,
- 230. who can create
a wonderful family for a child,
- 231. for some reason they can't do it
biologically, that's a scientific benefit.
- 232. Ain't it unfair bringin' up a kid
inside a tube?
- 233. Ain't that gonna be well bad for the kid?
- 234. It's not inside a tube.
I mean it's just the conception, isn't it?
- 235. It grows up in the womb.
- 236. I think the child needs to feel
the womb of the mother the heart beat
- 237. - and be loved in the mother.
- For real, but as the first years
- 238. or whatever that is gonna ruin the kids
head and the way it fink of the world
- 239. - if it's livin' in a tube.
- I wouldn't even know about it.
- 240. - It doesn't live in a tube.
- Well, how big is the tube?
- 241. - It's just the conception.
- How big is the tube?
- 242. It's just an ordinary tiny tube,
and it's just the ordinary conception.
- 243. - And they put it in bigger tubes when it...
- Not a baby. It's the conception.
- 244. But they do until like year...
at what age do they take it out the tube?
- 245. - It's never in the tube.
- Days or hours. - Ok.
- 246. Do you think homosexuals who is gay
should be allowed to adopt kids?
- 247. I think it's an unnatural situation
and not in the best interests
- 248. of the children themselves.
- 249. Do you not fink it could be good
- 250. because the kid could learn
about the joys of brown love
- 251. - from a young age?
- What's brown love?
- 252. Well, it could know that it ain't...
sex ain't only there, you know,
- 253. there is also the brown wings whatever.
- 254. - You mean homosexuals and lesbians and...
- Aii, for real, but that is an option.
- 255. I think we need to teach children
to understand that there are people
- 256. who have an attraction to their
same sex, but that it's unnatural.
- 257. What about a couple of girls
who like to drink from the furry cup?
- 258. Should they be allowed to adopt kids?
- 259. - A couple of whom?
- Who like...
- 260. who like to... you know
eat from the bushy bowl whatever
- 261. should they be allowed to adopt kids?
- 262. I have never no experience in this
and I really don't know. - Ok.
- 263. Do you fink there is enough
- 264. Too much.
- 265. But don't you fink if it's working
down there then put it to use?
- 266. If the grass is on the pitch, let's play.
- 267. What about is known as the
cognitive maturity to be able to
- 268. relate cause and effect, for example.
- 269. How come there is so much
- 270. if English girls is all so frigid?
- 271. I don't know that they are.
- 272. Well, they are.
They is got nothing on the French
- 273. 'cos me mate went to Calais
and him slept with three girls
- 274. and that was only in a day trip
and one of them was twenty-eight.
- 275. Well, that's just promiscuous
for Gods sake he must have paid them
- 276. he didn't pick them up in a supermarket.
That's just promiscuous.
- 277. No, he said they fancy him
and one of them was a model.
- 278. They do it for a living.
- 279. Now me don't know
if any of you has heard of it,
- 280. but there is something out there called:
The Third World.
- 281. These is some of the poorest and
most shitty countries on the whole planet.
- 282. Some of the children in Bangladesh
is so poor that they is wearing trainers
- 283. dat is three or four years old.
- 284. What is needed is sneakers dat have
real grip when it comes to the problems
- 285. these kids face
in doing the moon walk and crazy legs.
- 286. This is Samira. She has to walk for
over thirty miles to the nearest disco.
- 287. And don't think that just because she lives
in the jungle she'd has ever heard any.
- 288. She ain't never listened to nothin'
above 130 bpm.
- 289. So what we wanna do today is
turn the tables on the Third World
- 290. by giving the Third World
- 291. If you remember one thing from tonight,
let it be this:
- 292. Give a man a compilation tape
and he will dance for a night,
- 293. teach a man to scratch and
he'll be dancin' for generations.
- 294. Cool.
- 295. Of course what is most important for
these people is access to clean water.
- 296. So that when they is e'd up
they don't get dehydrated.
- 297. But now here
to lend her support in the studio
- 298. please give it up for a very special lady,
- 299. all the way from Albert Square,
it's Melanie from Eastenders.
- 300. How you doing?
- 301. Melanie!
- 302. Can me just say, and I hope everyone
out there agree with me,
- 303. that you is the best thing in dat show
you is habsolutely brilliant.
- 304. Riccay, Ricci. I love you, Riccaii.
- 305. So tell us why do you fink
we should help the Third World?
- 306. Well, there's so much suffering,
- 307. there's been some disastrous famines,
especially in the last few years,
- 308. disease and pain for millions of people and
I think it's our responsibility to help.
- 309. For real, I is feelin' that you care.
- 310. And, Melanie, there is someone
I really want you to meet.
- 311. Please brothers and sisters
welcome Gary Ingrams,
- 312. the lucky winner of our
- 313. 'I get to nob Mel from Eastenders-
competition'. Easy now.
- 314. Big up yourself.
- 315. - You are joking, no?
- 316. But I've come on to help a good cause
and do a bit of a tap dance, not
- 317. - have sex with a teenager.
- 318. they've been sellin' tickets in every
Little Chef round the country.
- 319. I meself has bought forty.
- 320. Well, maybe you should have
thought about askin' me first.
- 321. But how do you think
this poor boy must be feelin'?
- 322. I mean, look at him.
- 323. It ain't gonna take very long.
- 324. No.
- 325. Fair enough, me respect you
all the more for that.
- 326. Will you at least bring him off?
- 327. No!
- 328. Come on, it's for charity,
just a, just a quick shake and vac?
- 329. I'm sorry...
- 330. I'm sorry, but no.
- 331. Well, you is a very, very bad person
- 332. and I hope that Coronation Street
go down the tube. - Eastenders.
- 333. Whatever, speak to the 'and
because the face ain't listenin'.
- 334. Ali, you're actually really
immature aren't you?
- 335. Erm, what's... what's the number
after... after two?
- 336. - Three?
- 337. Jinxed, you cannot speak till
I say your name. Victoria. Victoria.
- 338. As for you, don't worry,
I'll introduce you to me sister,
- 339. buy her a pack of quavers
and she'll sort you out.
- 340. Steve Tha4orce, let it rock!
- 341. Booyakasha.
- 342. Now we all look back
at de music of de '80s
- 343. an laugh hysterically
at deir hair and clothes.
- 344. But who knows, in 50 years time
people may look at a picture of me
- 345. and fink I look ridiculous.
- 346. I doubt it.
- 347. Dat is why at dis week
I is gonna take an '80s legend
- 348. an' help bring her into dis,
de 21th century.
- 349. So, from de Pretenders,
please big it up for Chrissie Hynde.
- 350. I tell you, Chrissie, de main reason I got
you on dis show is as a favour for me
- 351. Uncle Jamal - him always talk abut havin'
a sandwich between you an Suzi Quattro.
- 352. Sounds good.
- 353. You ain't met me Uncle Jamal.
- 354. Now age wise - you, you ain't no Billy,
- 355. but as me nan says:
You is only as old as de man you feel.
- 356. And she is currently feelin' a 37 year old.
- 357. Hallo Uncle Derek.
- 358. What is you gonna play for us tonight?
- 359. I'm gonna sing the classic:
'It's a Thin Line between Love and Hate'.
- 360. I recognise your accent.
Is you from Eggham?
- 361. Ladies and Gentlemen, big it up for non
other dan the legend Chrissie Hynde!
- 362. It's a thin line
between love and hate.
- 363. It's a thin line
between love and hate.
- 364. It's fi-ive o'clock in the morning
and you're just gettin' in.
- 365. - You knock on the door...
- Dis is really depressin'.
- 366. - U iz ruinin' de whole vibe of de show.
- And a voice sweet and low says:
- 367. Lets speed dis up a tiny bit. - Who is it?
She opens up the door and lets you in.
- 368. - Never once asks where you've been.
- Let's speed it up a tiny bit more.
- 369. - She said: Are you hungry, did you eat ye'?
- 370. - Let me hang up your coat.
- Up a bit more. Feelin' the vibe.
- 371. Pass me your hat. All the times she's
smiling, never once raises her...
- 372. Thin line
- 373. Between love and hate
- 374. It's a thin line
- Between love and hate.
- 375. He's gonna fool you one day.
- 376. - Sweetest woman in the world.
- Bo bo bo
- 377. - The sweetest woman in the world.
- Chrissie in the house.
- 378. Hold tight Ricci C, Ricci C.
- 379. One two one two the ivy crew.
- 380. Shout goin' out to me Julie.
- 381. Mum I is gonna be home at about 11.30.
- 382. Between love and hate.
- 383. Can I have chips
instead of onion rings tonight?
- 384. Gonna fool you one day.
- 385. There is a fin line between love and hate.
- 386. - It's a thin line...
- As Chrissie Hynde says tonight
- 387. there is a fin line
between many things in life
- 388. and especially between punani and batty.
- 389. So take care and don't take
your Mrs up the wrong one
- 390. Gonna fool you one day
- Good night and Jah bless.
- 391. - Respect! Bo!
- Yes, it is.
- 392. We has just got time to update
you on the telefon thing.
- 393. Reebok has offered 40.000 pairs of
trainers to give to the Third World.
- 394. An' there is only
one thing to say to that:
- 395. Reebok come off it,
- 396. it ain't 1991.
- 397. They may be poor
but they ain't desperate.
- 398. Peace.