1. Keep it real.Copy !req
2. We imprison you for bein so fit
and not allowin us to bone you,Copy !req
3. you will be locked up in here forever.
There ain't no one in the worldCopy !req
4. with a big enough brain or
dong to rescue you.Copy !req
5. Help! Somebody help me please!Copy !req
6. West Staines in da house.Copy !req
7. Open the fridge - smell the cheese...Copy !req
8. Hello cheeky.Copy !req
9. Don't untie me,
just flip me over and bone me.Copy !req
10. Booyakasha.Copy !req
11. Believe it or not, dat weren't real,
but what is real is de message behind it,Copy !req
12. which is about de importance
of showin respect to peopleCopy !req
13. and especially to bitches.Copy !req
14. I won't let ever let any
of me ho's be treated badCopy !req
15. unless dey pacifically request it.Copy !req
16. In fact de theme of dis
whole show is respectCopy !req
17. R-E-S-T-E-C-P.Copy !req
18. Coz dere ain't enuf respect in de earth
innit - people dis each other every day,Copy !req
19. people say swear word
to older generation in de street,Copy !req
20. an only de other day someone
did a piss on me nan's sofa.Copy !req
21. It was me nan - but still it
could've been someone else.Copy !req
22. We also have to have respect
for de house of Commons.Copy !req
23. Cos it aint just a place where loads of
blokes get drunk and bum each other.Copy !req
24. It is also got something
to do with politics.Copy !req
25. To find out more about this
subject me got a labour Lord,Copy !req
26. a professor of politics
and Lady Olga Maitland,Copy !req
27. who I definately would
into a room. Check it.Copy !req
28. Lets talk about Parliament,Copy !req
29. do you think you should have
a minister for Dj-ing or spliff?Copy !req
30. We have a minister for sport
- AiiCopy !req
31. and that is a
reflection and culture generally.Copy !req
32. But do you not think
that there should be one geezer,Copy !req
33. whose making sure that the
best quality gear is coming in.Copy !req
34. - Well there is a chap called a drug Tzar...
- Tzar that's right, Hellywell.Copy !req
35. I don't know quite
what his responsibilites areCopy !req
36. His job is to keep the best stuff out.Copy !req
37. I heard that in some country,
it was... urm, Nugoslavia or whateverCopy !req
38. they has a porn star who is in
the government. Is that true?Copy !req
39. That's in Italy.Copy !req
40. They have a girl, who was
a porn star. - La Chicholina.Copy !req
41. In parliament
she is gonna win any argumentCopy !req
42. she don't need to say anything, she
just show a bit of flange or whatever.Copy !req
43. You're mixing up
style with substance.Copy !req
44. Its easier for me to answer
on this I think, because...Copy !req
45. Why cos you know a lot of porno?Copy !req
46. No no absolutely not.
Because I haven't been an MPCopy !req
47. I've noticed over the years
that all sorts of people,Copy !req
48. come from all sorts of backgrounds into
politics and a lot of them are surprisedCopy !req
49. how difficult it is.Copy !req
50. Why don't you make the
House of Commons all black?Copy !req
51. It would be unrepresentative.
All black did you say? - Aii for real.Copy !req
52. Because the ethnic minority community in
Britain only makes up about 5%Copy !req
53. of the entire population.Copy !req
54. Aii, but they is always gonna be
a minority unless you get it all black.Copy !req
55. So would you let Busta Rhymes
take over your party?Copy !req
56. If he decided to give up
the entertainment industryCopy !req
57. to become a serious politician,
and earns the respect of peopleCopy !req
58. for doing just that
why shouldn't he be elected?Copy !req
59. Would you let Busta Rhymes
take over your party?Copy !req
60. Only if he was a man
of quite outstanding ability.Copy !req
61. He has one of the most original
rapping styles in America.Copy !req
62. Do you think the voting
age is at the right level?Copy !req
63. Yes and I took an active part
in lowering it from 21 to 18.Copy !req
64. Ain't there a problem that some people
is maturing at different ages, professor?Copy !req
65. Of course that's true but you must
have some simple boundry about it.Copy !req
66. Why don't you say: when you has got
pubes you can have the vote,Copy !req
67. cos I got them well young
when I was 16 or whatever.Copy !req
68. That it's a very difficult
argument you're putting forward...Copy !req
69. Alright lets talk about that
cos that's interesting, innit?Copy !req
70. No no it's genuinely difficult
because as you rightly sayCopy !req
71. - people do mature at very different...
- For real.Copy !req
72. Some people has full bush
when they is like 13 whatever.Copy !req
73. It would be very difficult to arrange
testing and so on.Copy !req
74. I check the ladies, Aii?Copy !req
75. it is the same with the
other end of the age scale.Copy !req
76. Actually that whole thing
wouldn't work cos ofCopy !req
77. the whole popularity of the
shaven haven and all that.Copy !req
78. Ok well lets talk about dis,Copy !req
79. 20 years ago women didn't have the vote
but now they is considered equal.Copy !req
80. Do you think in 20 years time
animals will have the vote?Copy !req
81. - No. I don't...
- Why not?Copy !req
82. They is also human beings? - They are not.
- but there is dogs that can drive,Copy !req
83. - why won't they be able to vote?
- What do you mean dogs can drive?Copy !req
84. Well I is seen that on the telly.
I is seen it on...Copy !req
85. I think you have to accept...Copy !req
86. that the human world is
vastly different from the animal world,Copy !req
87. - animals are not human beings.
- Why can't they have an animal parliament?Copy !req
88. There's a famous case
which your pointing to...Copy !req
89. George Orwells novel Animal Farm,
which is a satire on the lack...Copy !req
90. - Oh I seen a film of that.
- Right.Copy !req
91. - There the animals...
- I thought it was illegal?Copy !req
92. No and... there he was talking
about fascism or communism...Copy !req
93. and he used the animals just as an
analogy. And human beings...Copy !req
94. - The one with the horses and that girl?
- Yes and the pig takes over the...Copy !req
95. Oh yeh oh that was disgusting.Copy !req
96. Some animals are equal, but some
animals are more equal than others.Copy !req
97. - For real.
- A very famous quote.Copy !req
98. I can't believe we've all seen that.Copy !req
99. - Two legs good, four legs bad.
- oh yeh I remember that bit.Copy !req
100. But that I thought that
was illegal that film?Copy !req
101. No what that points to
through Orwell is that we have to,Copy !req
102. defend democracy as hard as we can.Copy !req
103. Aiii, for real?Copy !req
104. Back by dope demand bringin
maximum respecs todadecks, DJ Tha4orce.Copy !req
105. - Can I have a go?
- No.Copy !req
106. You may not know this but I
do actually have a residencyCopy !req
107. at the Crooked Billet
in Iver Heath.Copy !req
108. Is that a yes?Copy !req
109. U touch me decks you die.Copy !req
110. Well I iz a bit busy anyway,
cos this is on the telly and all dat...Copy !req
111. Hear me now. Me guest tonite is de third
brainiest interviewer in da country.Copy !req
112. De brainiest wears a Tommy hat
and yellow sunglasses,Copy !req
113. me aint namin no names.Copy !req
114. Ali G.Copy !req
115. De second is Inspector Wilson
of de Staines Constalubary,Copy !req
116. him ask well hard questions, like:Copy !req
117. 'If dat is your house why is you
climbing in through the upstairs window?'Copy !req
118. So please big it up
for number three.Copy !req
119. Da man who make Jeremy Pacman
look like a total batty boy...Copy !req
120. John Humphrys.Copy !req
121. So Humphry you used to present
the nine o'clock news. Is that true?Copy !req
122. That is true.Copy !req
123. So what time was that on?Copy !req
124. It was usually on at nine.Copy !req
125. Did you ever think of just
making up the news?Copy !req
126. What do you mean THINK of it?Copy !req
127. You must have been tempted like de end
of term one of your last days whatever.Copy !req
128. Saying news has just come in:
The commies has just sent over 100 nukes,Copy !req
129. you has got 10 minutes to go out
an nob as many people as you canCopy !req
130. and I is starting here with Moira.Copy !req
131. Did you believe all those things
that we sat there and told youCopy !req
132. night after night did you really
believe that all of those politiciansCopy !req
133. could have done
all of those strange things.Copy !req
134. I got to be honest here,
I never watched it. - No.Copy !req
135. - I saw it once but it was a bit crap.
- I got that impression, yes.Copy !req
136. Did you ever try and put the other
news caster off, you knowCopy !req
137. like when she was reading
a serious story you just go...Copy !req
138. Yes or no,
yes or no?Copy !req
139. I'll have to think about that,
not quite as blatant as that.Copy !req
140. How do you prepare for an interview?Copy !req
141. Well I don't always prepare
for interviews, it depends.Copy !req
142. Do you ever like psych yourself up
by listening to speed garageCopy !req
143. - without a shirt on in front of the mirror.
- Not very often, no.Copy !req
144. Now you ain't on the news
anymore, what do you do?Copy !req
145. - I do radio and I do...
- Aii for real?Copy !req
146. - So you prese...
- The today programme.Copy !req
147. What time do you get up
in the morning?Copy !req
148. About half past three.Copy !req
149. So what time do you
have to go to bed?Copy !req
150. - nine o'clock.
- What in the evening?Copy !req
151. Ha ha ha! I can stay up
till whenever I want.Copy !req
152. even me sister don't have to go
to bed till one and she fifteen.Copy !req
153. You go to bed at nine
in the evening? - Hm.Copy !req
154. Is that a struggle
going to sleep at that time?Copy !req
155. Hmm... it depends.Copy !req
156. Do you always have
to crack one off?Copy !req
157. That's a yes.Copy !req
158. So what is the radio station called?Copy !req
159. It's called radio 4.Copy !req
160. I ain't never heard of that.
Is that pirate? - Yes.Copy !req
161. Some people say so yes,
but it's pretty mainstream.Copy !req
162. So what time does
your radio show start?Copy !req
163. Six o'clock in the morning.Copy !req
164. So is it mainly for people
getting back from clubs?Copy !req
165. You lay down some ambient
tunes for people coming down of one?Copy !req
166. I think probably on balance no,Copy !req
167. It's more for people going
to work rather than people coming home.Copy !req
168. Anyway, enough about the news.
Lets talk about your balls.Copy !req
169. I heard you had a versemony.
Is that true?Copy !req
170. Would you explain
what you mean by versemony?Copy !req
171. I don't know... I think you take it,
you put it inbetween there,Copy !req
172. and me mate Dave,
cos him well fat,Copy !req
173. he can do like
he's got babillonsCopy !req
174. and he walk around and say
'hey you lookin good,Copy !req
175. hey you like me? You like me?Copy !req
176. He look quite fit and then suddenly
you see his balls through the back bit.Copy !req
177. You think that ain't right.Copy !req
178. I can safely say
that I've never had one of those, no.Copy !req
179. I is heard that your wife has
got pregers and how old is you?Copy !req
180. 56.Copy !req
181. Respect! Maximum respect!Copy !req
182. Big him up! Big up yourself!Copy !req
183. Is you just
walking around now going:Copy !req
184. everytin in working order. Aii?Copy !req
185. You got any children?Copy !req
186. That is a personal question.Copy !req
187. If I say dat the child support agency
come round here, them get me well bad.Copy !req
188. Any reason why you
don't have any children?Copy !req
189. Are you sure it works?
I'm just curious.Copy !req
190. Anyway fank you very much,
John Humphry!Copy !req
191. Big up yourself.Copy !req
192. Now we is learn't a lot
in de first half of de show,Copy !req
193. but to help us fink more clearly
while de ads is on,Copy !req
194. I is gonna be passin round the audience
this 'mimmellium spliff'.Copy !req
195. I is spent de last 6 months
makin dis, from exactly 2100 rizzlaCopy !req
196. and it has a little sumfin in it...Copy !req
197. from every respectable hash
producin country inde world, innit.Copy !req
198. If you want to start it off now John.Copy !req
199. Keep it real.
Respect.Copy !req
200. You was meant to pass that
round the audience.Copy !req
201. You've bumsucked this,
you just left me a soggy roach.Copy !req
202. Fank you John...Copy !req
203. Respect... ever heard of it?Copy !req
204. Yo, brothers and sisters.Copy !req
205. If you really care for and respect
your bitch and wanna get her a pressieCopy !req
206. but can't be arsed dealing with
the hastle of Argos on a Saturday,Copy !req
207. well chill and skin up another
bifta cos I is invented a way,Copy !req
208. that you can do all of your shopping
from the comfort of your own bog,Copy !req
209. if, like me, you angle
the mirror towards the teleCopy !req
210. to combine two of
the best things in life.Copy !req
211. Hello welcome to QVG.Copy !req
212. Here is some of de wonderful stuff I is
managed to get me hands on dis week.Copy !req
213. For just forty notes you can
have dis lovely Philips car stereo...Copy !req
214. and I is throwin in a
Luther Vandross tape for free,Copy !req
215. mainly cos I can't get it out.Copy !req
216. Or for just 15 squid howsabout
dis lovely Nokia 1520 mobile phone?Copy !req
217. all you have to do is sometimes
pretend to be called 'Anthony'...Copy !req
218. an every now and den just give
a small amount of medical advice.Copy !req
219. Finally, if you fought only gays
ride bicycles, den fink again.Copy !req
220. Look at dis beauty for 85 nicker
and it's already locked up for you,Copy !req
221. coz there is a lot of
fieves arround these days.Copy !req
222. Check dis beautiful lock.Copy !req
223. You can have fun
doing the combination,Copy !req
224. to open it all you have
to do is guess 4 numbers.Copy !req
225. Now there is only 10 numbers
in de world so that's only
40 numbers it could be.Copy !req
226. And because this is a
special day I is throwin
in a set of railins for free.Copy !req
227. And dere'll be some
more stuff next weekCopy !req
228. if Dangerous Dave can get the
electronic tag off his ankle. Repect.Copy !req
229. Now it time for BoratCopy !req
230. the only man whose got a bigger
moustache than me Nan. Check it.Copy !req
231. Dziendobre, Jagshemash.
When you hear the word EnglandCopy !req
232. you think of country with the
most talented actors in the world,Copy !req
233. Lawrence Oliver, Alec Guinness...Copy !req
234. and Frank Spencer,
'oh Betty the cat done a shit'Copy !req
235. that man can do nothing right
and two things wrong,Copy !req
236. this is why I come to Edinbugh Festival
to find most talented performerCopy !req
237. and bring them back to Kazakhstan.Copy !req
238. I now go to meet funniest
comedians in Britain: Oversausage.Copy !req
239. Knock knock knock.Copy !req
240. - Oh what?
- Morning madam.Copy !req
241. Would madam be interested in
buying a prime number?Copy !req
242. A prime number,
what's one of those?Copy !req
243. It's a very special number
it's what we call a 'prime number'.Copy !req
244. - Divisible only by itself and one.
- What's the point of that?Copy !req
245. It can't be
broken down into smaller piecesCopy !req
246. and that means
children can't swallow it.Copy !req
247. Yes!Copy !req
248. Er... what is English humour?Copy !req
249. Faulty Towers?Copy !req
250. Faulty towers. - Yes.
- With the Monty Python, we have...Copy !req
251. We have been likened to
Monty Python in our reviews...Copy !req
252. Yes this when I look at you
it remind me of Monty Python.Copy !req
253. It is slapstick, that kind of...Copy !req
254. What is a stick?Copy !req
255. Like that. - That's not
a stick, that was a hat.Copy !req
256. - That's Slapstick.
- What?Copy !req
257. - Slapstick. That's slapstick.
- So you can come up and do a hit?Copy !req
258. Yeh, take a shot,
go on have a hit.Copy !req
259. I can't hit a woman.
I can hit you?Copy !req
260. Hit me. Go on go on.Copy !req
261. It's fun! Again!Copy !req
262. Yeh go for it.Copy !req
263. Oh god, this creature just makes me...Copy !req
264. Knock time in the
feathered persons departmentCopy !req
265. Will you please kindly
turn down the volume?Copy !req
266. You are from USA?Copy !req
267. Yes, I was born in the midwest.Copy !req
268. Do you know many American?Copy !req
269. Well, er...Copy !req
270. - Do I know many people in the US?
- YesCopy !req
271. Oh yes. Thousands.Copy !req
272. - Do you know Lionel Richie?
- I know who he is.Copy !req
273. Because people say I look...
in KazhakstanCopy !req
274. - Is it me the lucky fool...
- Yes, you do a bitCopy !req
275. - Do you know Dolly Parton?
- Yes.Copy !req
276. What is she like? - She is a very
intelligent person - Yes.Copy !req
277. Extremely intelligent,
she has done a lot of good things,Copy !req
278. a lot of really good shows,Copy !req
279. She had a TV-show for two years,
which was very goodCopy !req
280. - She has a big tits... Wawawiwa!
- That is trueCopy !req
281. Goodbye
Samantha Fox, hello Dolly!Copy !req
282. She has lots more than that.Copy !req
283. She has a wonderful
American folk park.Copy !req
284. But they... so big.Copy !req
285. Well, that is her initial claim to fameCopy !req
286. They are incredible.Copy !req
287. Thank you, my friends.Copy !req
288. I go now to see
'Striptease Monamour'Copy !req
289. I hope it is as good as
'Strip Strip Bing Bang',Copy !req
290. in Kasensler Street.Copy !req
291. Yeh, yes.Copy !req
292. So we make clear this is no
striptease like America like... dirty,Copy !req
293. - there is no hands relief.
- No, no.Copy !req
294. I hope you come to
Almati Festival in Kazakhstan.Copy !req
295. And is that international as well
people from all over the world?Copy !req
296. We have we have a pop group
from England, Right Said Fred.Copy !req
297. Ever him sing, 'I too Sexy, I'm too sexy',
Big fat man, 'I too sexy'... big...Copy !req
298. You listen to the music
- Yes.Copy !req
299. you close your eyes,
you feel the movement in your bodyCopy !req
300. and just you follow like you want
with your body the flow of this music.Copy !req
301. Yes, right.Copy !req
302. We lie on the floor? And why?Copy !req
303. I'm sorry,
- That's ok.Copy !req
304. I have done a...Copy !req
305. Lets just move this
part of the body up and down - Yes.Copy !req
306. and then just bang it on the floor
- Yes.Copy !req
307. and then just let whatever
noises come out, come out.Copy !req
308. Yes.Copy !req
309. sexy, sexy,
- sexy, sexy, - sexy...Copy !req
310. I too sexy for... sexy
- I am too sexy- I too sexyCopy !req
311. I too sexy for my shirt,
I too sexy for my shirt...Copy !req
312. Westside. As you know in dis show
we get on strugglin musiciansCopy !req
313. and I use me mad skillz
to make dem sound less crap.Copy !req
314. Tonite I is gonna
use me expertiseCopy !req
315. Fr-fr-fr-fresh...Copy !req
316. on a band called Travis,
so please big it up.Copy !req
317. Big up yourself.Copy !req
318. Nice to meet you Travis.Copy !req
319. - My name's Fran.
- Well where is Travis?Copy !req
320. I thought we was
getting Travis on.Copy !req
321. The names taken from the character
in Paris Texas which was a film,Copy !req
322. that was out in the eighties
which is why...Copy !req
323. Sorry I can't understand a word
you is saying, where is you from?Copy !req
324. I'm from Scotland.Copy !req
325. That's in Wales innit?
Now lets have a look at you.Copy !req
326. You is actually gonna perform this now,
so when is you intending to get changed?Copy !req
327. Well, I am changed.Copy !req
328. This is going out
on the telly you know?Copy !req
329. Has you seen
your hair in the mirror?Copy !req
330. I fink the make up girls
is been havin a laugh.Copy !req
331. They has done it all up there
so it look like a bush.Copy !req
332. Tell you what...Copy !req
333. cos I feel sorry for you,
I will borrow you this.Copy !req
334. Now me listen to your music...Copy !req
335. and it's fuckin miserable.Copy !req
336. - So what song is we gonna do now?
- Why does it always rain on me?Copy !req
337. I got no idea, but what
is the name of the song?Copy !req
338. Why does it always rain on me.Copy !req
339. Is you a bit fick? Whatever,
just do it and we'll... do it.Copy !req
340. Brothers and Sisters now
it time for Travis with a song.Copy !req
341. Nice. Keep it going.Copy !req
342. I can't sleep tonightCopy !req
343. everybody saying
everything is alrightCopy !req
344. still I can't close my eyes
- yeh, whatever...Copy !req
345. - I'm seeing a tunnel at the end...
- I'm gonna add just a tiny bit of drums.Copy !req
346. of all these lights.
Sunny daysCopy !req
347. - where have you gone?
- I'll add just a little bit of sample.Copy !req
348. I get the strangest
feeling you belongCopy !req
349. Just a little more.Copy !req
350. Why does it always rain on me,
even when the sun is shining...Copy !req
351. Just a bit of advice,
you don't need that.Copy !req
352. Why does it always rain on me?Copy !req
353. Me got the batty,
me like de batty, me ride de batty,Copy !req
354. me got the batty,
me got the batty,Copy !req
355. cummon now,
cummon now,Copy !req
356. Why does it always rain on me?Copy !req
357. This man can sing
for a white boy.Copy !req
358. Me wanna big up
all the guests for tonight,Copy !req
359. me wanna big up
me main man Travis.Copy !req
360. Bo bo bo bo!
Hear me now!Copy !req
361. Big up yourself!Copy !req