1. Keep it real.
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2. We imprison you for bein so fit
and not allowin us to bone you,
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3. you will be locked up in here forever.
There ain't no one in the world
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4. with a big enough brain or
dong to rescue you.
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5. Help! Somebody help me please!
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6. West Staines in da house.
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7. Open the fridge - smell the cheese...
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8. Hello cheeky.
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9. Don't untie me,
just flip me over and bone me.
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10. Booyakasha.
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11. Believe it or not, dat weren't real,
but what is real is de message behind it,
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12. which is about de importance
of showin respect to people
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13. and especially to bitches.
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14. I won't let ever let any
of me ho's be treated bad
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15. unless dey pacifically request it.
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16. In fact de theme of dis
whole show is respect
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17. R-E-S-T-E-C-P.
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18. Coz dere ain't enuf respect in de earth
innit - people dis each other every day,
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19. people say swear word
to older generation in de street,
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20. an only de other day someone
did a piss on me nan's sofa.
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21. It was me nan - but still it
could've been someone else.
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22. We also have to have respect
for de house of Commons.
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23. Cos it aint just a place where loads of
blokes get drunk and bum each other.
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24. It is also got something
to do with politics.
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25. To find out more about this
subject me got a labour Lord,
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26. a professor of politics
and Lady Olga Maitland,
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27. who I definately would
into a room. Check it.
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28. Lets talk about Parliament,
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29. do you think you should have
a minister for Dj-ing or spliff?
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30. We have a minister for sport
- Aii
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31. and that is a
reflection and culture generally.
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32. But do you not think
that there should be one geezer,
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33. whose making sure that the
best quality gear is coming in.
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34. - Well there is a chap called a drug Tzar...
- Tzar that's right, Hellywell.
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35. I don't know quite
what his responsibilites are
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36. His job is to keep the best stuff out.
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37. I heard that in some country,
it was... urm, Nugoslavia or whatever
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38. they has a porn star who is in
the government. Is that true?
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39. That's in Italy.
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40. They have a girl, who was
a porn star. - La Chicholina.
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41. In parliament
she is gonna win any argument
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42. she don't need to say anything, she
just show a bit of flange or whatever.
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43. You're mixing up
style with substance.
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44. Its easier for me to answer
on this I think, because...
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45. Why cos you know a lot of porno?
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46. No no absolutely not.
Because I haven't been an MP
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47. I've noticed over the years
that all sorts of people,
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48. come from all sorts of backgrounds into
politics and a lot of them are surprised
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49. how difficult it is.
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50. Why don't you make the
House of Commons all black?
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51. It would be unrepresentative.
All black did you say? - Aii for real.
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52. Because the ethnic minority community in
Britain only makes up about 5%
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53. of the entire population.
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54. Aii, but they is always gonna be
a minority unless you get it all black.
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55. So would you let Busta Rhymes
take over your party?
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56. If he decided to give up
the entertainment industry
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57. to become a serious politician,
and earns the respect of people
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58. for doing just that
why shouldn't he be elected?
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59. Would you let Busta Rhymes
take over your party?
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60. Only if he was a man
of quite outstanding ability.
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61. He has one of the most original
rapping styles in America.
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62. Do you think the voting
age is at the right level?
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63. Yes and I took an active part
in lowering it from 21 to 18.
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64. Ain't there a problem that some people
is maturing at different ages, professor?
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65. Of course that's true but you must
have some simple boundry about it.
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66. Why don't you say: when you has got
pubes you can have the vote,
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67. cos I got them well young
when I was 16 or whatever.
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68. That it's a very difficult
argument you're putting forward...
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69. Alright lets talk about that
cos that's interesting, innit?
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70. No no it's genuinely difficult
because as you rightly say
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71. - people do mature at very different...
- For real.
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72. Some people has full bush
when they is like 13 whatever.
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73. It would be very difficult to arrange
testing and so on.
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74. I check the ladies, Aii?
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75. it is the same with the
other end of the age scale.
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76. Actually that whole thing
wouldn't work cos of
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77. the whole popularity of the
shaven haven and all that.
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78. Ok well lets talk about dis,
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79. 20 years ago women didn't have the vote
but now they is considered equal.
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80. Do you think in 20 years time
animals will have the vote?
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81. - No. I don't...
- Why not?
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82. They is also human beings? - They are not.
- but there is dogs that can drive,
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83. - why won't they be able to vote?
- What do you mean dogs can drive?
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84. Well I is seen that on the telly.
I is seen it on...
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85. I think you have to accept...
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86. that the human world is
vastly different from the animal world,
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87. - animals are not human beings.
- Why can't they have an animal parliament?
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88. There's a famous case
which your pointing to...
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89. George Orwells novel Animal Farm,
which is a satire on the lack...
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90. - Oh I seen a film of that.
- Right.
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91. - There the animals...
- I thought it was illegal?
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92. No and... there he was talking
about fascism or communism...
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93. and he used the animals just as an
analogy. And human beings...
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94. - The one with the horses and that girl?
- Yes and the pig takes over the...
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95. Oh yeh oh that was disgusting.
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96. Some animals are equal, but some
animals are more equal than others.
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97. - For real.
- A very famous quote.
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98. I can't believe we've all seen that.
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99. - Two legs good, four legs bad.
- oh yeh I remember that bit.
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100. But that I thought that
was illegal that film?
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101. No what that points to
through Orwell is that we have to,
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102. defend democracy as hard as we can.
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103. Aiii, for real?
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104. Back by dope demand bringin
maximum respecs todadecks, DJ Tha4orce.
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105. - Can I have a go?
- No.
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106. You may not know this but I
do actually have a residency
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107. at the Crooked Billet
in Iver Heath.
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108. Is that a yes?
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109. U touch me decks you die.
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110. Well I iz a bit busy anyway,
cos this is on the telly and all dat...
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111. Hear me now. Me guest tonite is de third
brainiest interviewer in da country.
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112. De brainiest wears a Tommy hat
and yellow sunglasses,
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113. me aint namin no names.
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114. Ali G.
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115. De second is Inspector Wilson
of de Staines Constalubary,
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116. him ask well hard questions, like:
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117. 'If dat is your house why is you
climbing in through the upstairs window?'
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118. So please big it up
for number three.
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119. Da man who make Jeremy Pacman
look like a total batty boy...
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120. John Humphrys.
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121. So Humphry you used to present
the nine o'clock news. Is that true?
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122. That is true.
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123. So what time was that on?
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124. It was usually on at nine.
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125. Did you ever think of just
making up the news?
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126. What do you mean THINK of it?
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127. You must have been tempted like de end
of term one of your last days whatever.
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128. Saying news has just come in:
The commies has just sent over 100 nukes,
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129. you has got 10 minutes to go out
an nob as many people as you can
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130. and I is starting here with Moira.
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131. Did you believe all those things
that we sat there and told you
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132. night after night did you really
believe that all of those politicians
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133. could have done
all of those strange things.
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134. I got to be honest here,
I never watched it. - No.
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135. - I saw it once but it was a bit crap.
- I got that impression, yes.
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136. Did you ever try and put the other
news caster off, you know
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137. like when she was reading
a serious story you just go...
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138. Yes or no,
yes or no?
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139. I'll have to think about that,
not quite as blatant as that.
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140. How do you prepare for an interview?
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141. Well I don't always prepare
for interviews, it depends.
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142. Do you ever like psych yourself up
by listening to speed garage
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143. - without a shirt on in front of the mirror.
- Not very often, no.
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144. Now you ain't on the news
anymore, what do you do?
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145. - I do radio and I do...
- Aii for real?
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146. - So you prese...
- The today programme.
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147. What time do you get up
in the morning?
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148. About half past three.
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149. So what time do you
have to go to bed?
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150. - nine o'clock.
- What in the evening?
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151. Ha ha ha! I can stay up
till whenever I want.
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152. even me sister don't have to go
to bed till one and she fifteen.
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153. You go to bed at nine
in the evening? - Hm.
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154. Is that a struggle
going to sleep at that time?
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155. Hmm... it depends.
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156. Do you always have
to crack one off?
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157. That's a yes.
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158. So what is the radio station called?
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159. It's called radio 4.
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160. I ain't never heard of that.
Is that pirate? - Yes.
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161. Some people say so yes,
but it's pretty mainstream.
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162. So what time does
your radio show start?
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163. Six o'clock in the morning.
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164. So is it mainly for people
getting back from clubs?
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165. You lay down some ambient
tunes for people coming down of one?
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166. I think probably on balance no,
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167. It's more for people going
to work rather than people coming home.
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168. Anyway, enough about the news.
Lets talk about your balls.
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169. I heard you had a versemony.
Is that true?
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170. Would you explain
what you mean by versemony?
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171. I don't know... I think you take it,
you put it inbetween there,
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172. and me mate Dave,
cos him well fat,
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173. he can do like
he's got babillons
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174. and he walk around and say
'hey you lookin good,
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175. hey you like me? You like me?
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176. He look quite fit and then suddenly
you see his balls through the back bit.
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177. You think that ain't right.
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178. I can safely say
that I've never had one of those, no.
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179. I is heard that your wife has
got pregers and how old is you?
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180. 56.
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181. Respect! Maximum respect!
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182. Big him up! Big up yourself!
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183. Is you just
walking around now going:
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184. everytin in working order. Aii?
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185. You got any children?
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186. That is a personal question.
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187. If I say dat the child support agency
come round here, them get me well bad.
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188. Any reason why you
don't have any children?
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189. Are you sure it works?
I'm just curious.
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190. Anyway fank you very much,
John Humphry!
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191. Big up yourself.
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192. Now we is learn't a lot
in de first half of de show,
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193. but to help us fink more clearly
while de ads is on,
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194. I is gonna be passin round the audience
this 'mimmellium spliff'.
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195. I is spent de last 6 months
makin dis, from exactly 2100 rizzla
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196. and it has a little sumfin in it...
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197. from every respectable hash
producin country inde world, innit.
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198. If you want to start it off now John.
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199. Keep it real.
Respect.
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200. You was meant to pass that
round the audience.
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201. You've bumsucked this,
you just left me a soggy roach.
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202. Fank you John...
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203. Respect... ever heard of it?
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204. Yo, brothers and sisters.
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205. If you really care for and respect
your bitch and wanna get her a pressie
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206. but can't be arsed dealing with
the hastle of Argos on a Saturday,
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207. well chill and skin up another
bifta cos I is invented a way,
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208. that you can do all of your shopping
from the comfort of your own bog,
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209. if, like me, you angle
the mirror towards the tele
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210. to combine two of
the best things in life.
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211. Hello welcome to QVG.
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212. Here is some of de wonderful stuff I is
managed to get me hands on dis week.
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213. For just forty notes you can
have dis lovely Philips car stereo...
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214. and I is throwin in a
Luther Vandross tape for free,
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215. mainly cos I can't get it out.
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216. Or for just 15 squid howsabout
dis lovely Nokia 1520 mobile phone?
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217. all you have to do is sometimes
pretend to be called 'Anthony'...
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218. an every now and den just give
a small amount of medical advice.
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219. Finally, if you fought only gays
ride bicycles, den fink again.
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220. Look at dis beauty for 85 nicker
and it's already locked up for you,
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221. coz there is a lot of
fieves arround these days.
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222. Check dis beautiful lock.
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223. You can have fun
doing the combination,
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224. to open it all you have
to do is guess 4 numbers.
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225. Now there is only 10 numbers
in de world so that's only
40 numbers it could be.
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226. And because this is a
special day I is throwin
in a set of railins for free.
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227. And dere'll be some
more stuff next week
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228. if Dangerous Dave can get the
electronic tag off his ankle. Repect.
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229. Now it time for Borat
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230. the only man whose got a bigger
moustache than me Nan. Check it.
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231. Dziendobre, Jagshemash.
When you hear the word England
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232. you think of country with the
most talented actors in the world,
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233. Lawrence Oliver, Alec Guinness...
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234. and Frank Spencer,
'oh Betty the cat done a shit'
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235. that man can do nothing right
and two things wrong,
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236. this is why I come to Edinbugh Festival
to find most talented performer
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237. and bring them back to Kazakhstan.
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238. I now go to meet funniest
comedians in Britain: Oversausage.
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239. Knock knock knock.
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240. - Oh what?
- Morning madam.
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241. Would madam be interested in
buying a prime number?
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242. A prime number,
what's one of those?
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243. It's a very special number
it's what we call a 'prime number'.
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244. - Divisible only by itself and one.
- What's the point of that?
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245. It can't be
broken down into smaller pieces
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246. and that means
children can't swallow it.
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247. Yes!
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248. Er... what is English humour?
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249. Faulty Towers?
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250. Faulty towers. - Yes.
- With the Monty Python, we have...
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251. We have been likened to
Monty Python in our reviews...
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252. Yes this when I look at you
it remind me of Monty Python.
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253. It is slapstick, that kind of...
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254. What is a stick?
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255. Like that. - That's not
a stick, that was a hat.
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256. - That's Slapstick.
- What?
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257. - Slapstick. That's slapstick.
- So you can come up and do a hit?
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258. Yeh, take a shot,
go on have a hit.
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259. I can't hit a woman.
I can hit you?
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260. Hit me. Go on go on.
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261. It's fun! Again!
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262. Yeh go for it.
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263. Oh god, this creature just makes me...
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264. Knock time in the
feathered persons department
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265. Will you please kindly
turn down the volume?
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266. You are from USA?
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267. Yes, I was born in the midwest.
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268. Do you know many American?
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269. Well, er...
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270. - Do I know many people in the US?
- Yes
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271. Oh yes. Thousands.
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272. - Do you know Lionel Richie?
- I know who he is.
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273. Because people say I look...
in Kazhakstan
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274. - Is it me the lucky fool...
- Yes, you do a bit
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275. - Do you know Dolly Parton?
- Yes.
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276. What is she like? - She is a very
intelligent person - Yes.
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277. Extremely intelligent,
she has done a lot of good things,
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278. a lot of really good shows,
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279. She had a TV-show for two years,
which was very good
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280. - She has a big tits... Wawawiwa!
- That is true
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281. Goodbye
Samantha Fox, hello Dolly!
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282. She has lots more than that.
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283. She has a wonderful
American folk park.
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284. But they... so big.
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285. Well, that is her initial claim to fame
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286. They are incredible.
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287. Thank you, my friends.
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288. I go now to see
'Striptease Monamour'
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289. I hope it is as good as
'Strip Strip Bing Bang',
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290. in Kasensler Street.
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291. Yeh, yes.
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292. So we make clear this is no
striptease like America like... dirty,
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293. - there is no hands relief.
- No, no.
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294. I hope you come to
Almati Festival in Kazakhstan.
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295. And is that international as well
people from all over the world?
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296. We have we have a pop group
from England, Right Said Fred.
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297. Ever him sing, 'I too Sexy, I'm too sexy',
Big fat man, 'I too sexy'... big...
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298. You listen to the music
- Yes.
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299. you close your eyes,
you feel the movement in your body
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300. and just you follow like you want
with your body the flow of this music.
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301. Yes, right.
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302. We lie on the floor? And why?
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303. I'm sorry,
- That's ok.
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304. I have done a...
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305. Lets just move this
part of the body up and down - Yes.
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306. and then just bang it on the floor
- Yes.
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307. and then just let whatever
noises come out, come out.
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308. Yes.
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309. sexy, sexy,
- sexy, sexy, - sexy...
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310. I too sexy for... sexy
- I am too sexy- I too sexy
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311. I too sexy for my shirt,
I too sexy for my shirt...
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312. Westside. As you know in dis show
we get on strugglin musicians
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313. and I use me mad skillz
to make dem sound less crap.
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314. Tonite I is gonna
use me expertise
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315. Fr-fr-fr-fresh...
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316. on a band called Travis,
so please big it up.
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317. Big up yourself.
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318. Nice to meet you Travis.
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319. - My name's Fran.
- Well where is Travis?
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320. I thought we was
getting Travis on.
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321. The names taken from the character
in Paris Texas which was a film,
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322. that was out in the eighties
which is why...
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323. Sorry I can't understand a word
you is saying, where is you from?
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324. I'm from Scotland.
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325. That's in Wales innit?
Now lets have a look at you.
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326. You is actually gonna perform this now,
so when is you intending to get changed?
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327. Well, I am changed.
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328. This is going out
on the telly you know?
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329. Has you seen
your hair in the mirror?
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330. I fink the make up girls
is been havin a laugh.
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331. They has done it all up there
so it look like a bush.
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332. Tell you what...
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333. cos I feel sorry for you,
I will borrow you this.
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334. Now me listen to your music...
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335. and it's fuckin miserable.
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336. - So what song is we gonna do now?
- Why does it always rain on me?
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337. I got no idea, but what
is the name of the song?
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338. Why does it always rain on me.
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339. Is you a bit fick? Whatever,
just do it and we'll... do it.
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340. Brothers and Sisters now
it time for Travis with a song.
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341. Nice. Keep it going.
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342. I can't sleep tonight
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343. everybody saying
everything is alright
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344. still I can't close my eyes
- yeh, whatever...
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345. - I'm seeing a tunnel at the end...
- I'm gonna add just a tiny bit of drums.
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346. of all these lights.
Sunny days
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347. - where have you gone?
- I'll add just a little bit of sample.
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348. I get the strangest
feeling you belong
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349. Just a little more.
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350. Why does it always rain on me,
even when the sun is shining...
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351. Just a bit of advice,
you don't need that.
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352. Why does it always rain on me?
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353. Me got the batty,
me like de batty, me ride de batty,
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354. me got the batty,
me got the batty,
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355. cummon now,
cummon now,
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356. Why does it always rain on me?
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357. This man can sing
for a white boy.
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358. Me wanna big up
all the guests for tonight,
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359. me wanna big up
me main man Travis.
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360. Bo bo bo bo!
Hear me now!
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361. Big up yourself!
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